Monthly Archives: December 2014

Friday Funny December 5, 2014 Santa Jokes

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Happy Friday!  Now that it is December, I thought it was time to break out the Santa Claus jokes.

Enjoy!

What do they call Santa’s helpers? ————————————-Subordinate clauses!

What kind of music do elves like best? —————————————“Wrap” music!

Who sings “Blue Christmas,” and makes Christmas toys? ——- Santa’s little Elvis!

What do you call Santa Clause after he’s fallen into a fireplace?——Krisp Kringle!

What did the Gingerbread Man put on his bed?————————-A cookie sheet!

Where do Santa’s reindeer like to stop for lunch?———————–Deery Queen!

What reindeer has the cleanest antlers?———————————————Comet!

Which of Santa’s reindeer needs to mind his manners the most?——“Rude”olph!

What is the cow’s holiday greeting?———————————-Mooooory Christmas!

What does Santa like to eat?———————————————————–A jolly roll!

What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time?——————–Sandy Claus!

What do you call the fear of getting stuck while sliding down a chimney?——————Santa Claus-trophbia!

What does Santa say when he is sick?————————————————–OH OH NO!

Who says Oh! Oh! Oh!—————————————————–Santa walking backwards.

What do you call someone who doesn’t believe in Father Christmas?————————-
A rebel without a Claus.

How much did Santa pay for his sleigh?————————–Nothing, it was on the house.

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshiper?—————–He sold his soul to Santa!

The 3 stages of man:

  1. He believes in Santa Claus.
  2. He doesn’t believe in Santa Claus.
  3. He is Santa Claus.

 Thought for the Week

He who has not Christmas in his heart will never find it under a tree. ~Roy L. Smith

http://www.quotegarden.com

 

 

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Holiday Eating Tips

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We are now in the midst of the Holiday Season which means time spent with loved ones, time spent shopping and exchanging gifts and, of course, time spent eating.  I would not want you to go at this unprepared, so here are ten eating tips I came across I would like to share with you.  Eat wisely!

1. Avoid vegetable trays. Nothing dampens one’s holiday appetite quite like healthy, sensible food.  The person who brings a vegetable tray on a holiday buffet table knows as much about the Christmas spirit as Scrooge did before he met his three visitors (or he/she just can’t cook).   There is an exception, a vegetable tray might be acceptable if it is accompanied with high calorie, artery-clogging dip. 

2.  Perhaps you are not the greatest cook or have just found something on your plate that was prepared by the world’s worst cook.  Just remember that this is the time of year when just about anything dish can be enhanced by covering it with gravy or chocolate sauce.  (I would suggest that you avoid using both on the same food item except in extreme emergencies) 

3.  If something comes with gravy, especially giblet gravy, use it. That’s the whole point of gravy. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill your mini volcano with gravy. Eat the volcano. Get more mashed potatoes and create a gravy moat surrounding your island of mashed potatoes.  Go ahead and play with your food, you know you want to.  (Sit a safe distance away from anyone who makes models of the “Devil’s Tower” out of mashed potatoes.)

4. Nutritionists tell us that a healthy diet includes color on the plate, especially reds, yellows and greens.  So, just to be safe, I always add a handful of M&M’s to each plate of food during the holidays.

5. Nutritionists also tells us that fruit and nuts are an important part of your diet.  The holidays are no time to skimp on these, so go ahead and have a second helping of apple pie, cherry pie or pecan pie.

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year’s Day. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you’ll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like those cookies with Hershey Kisses in the middle or those little hot dogs in sauce, position yourself near them and don’t budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention.

8. Don’t forget the oatmeal.  It is high in fiber and can help reduce cholesterol.  I prefer oatmeal in the form of oatmeal chocolate chip cookies.

9. Remember there are limits on how much you can eat.  So do not waste any of your calorie capacity on fruitcake or mincemeat pie.  (You would be better off hanging around that vegetable tray.)

10. One final tip: If you can comfortably get up from the table, you’re not trying hard enough.  You have trained all year for this, don’t give up now!