Monthly Archives: August 2014

Friday Funny August 29, 2014 Mindset List Class of 2018

ELIZABETH HALL

Happy Labor Day Weekend!  It is hard to believe, but the unofficial end of summer is here.  The days are getting shorter and most of the kids are back in school.  Many colleges also started this past week.  Each year, about this time, Beloit College publishes their “Mindset List” noting some of the events that have shaped the incoming freshman class.  I always find the list interesting and I always find it makes me feel old!  Here are some of the items from this year’s list that caught my attention, if you want to see the whole list go to http://www.beloit.edu/mindset/

Enjoy!

For students entering college this fall in the Class of 2018…

  • During their initial weeks of kindergarten, they were upset by endlessly repeated images of planes blasting into the World Trade Center.
  • When they see wire-rimmed glasses, they think Harry Potter, not John Lennon.
  • “Press pound” on the phone is now translated as “hit hashtag.”
  • Ralph Nader has always been running for President of the U.S.
  • The water cooler is no longer the workplace social center; it’s the place to fill your water bottle.
  • Women have always attended the Virginia Military Institute and the Citadel.
  • Hong Kong has always been part of China.
  • Joe Camel has never introduced one of them to smoking.
  • Bosnia and Herzegovina have always been one nation.
  • Nicotine has always been recognized as an addictive drug requiring FDA oversight.
  • Students have always been able to dance at Baylor.
  • Hello Dolly…cloning has always been a fact, not science fiction.
  • Ads for prescription drugs, noting their disturbing side effects, have always flooded the airwaves.
  • There has always been “TV” designed to be watched exclusively on the web.
  • The Unabomber has always been behind bars.
  • Bill Gates has always been the richest man in the U.S.
  • They have no memory of George Stephanopoulos as a senior White House advisor.
  • Everybody has always Loved Raymond.
  • The rate of diagnosed diabetes has always been shooting up during their lifetime.
  • Boeing has never had any American competition for commercial aircraft.
  • U.S. soldiers have always been vaccinated against anthrax.
  • Their collection of U.S. quarters has always celebrated the individual states.
  • Since Toys R Us created a toy registry for kids, visits to Santa are just a formality.

Copyright© 2014 Beloit College

Thought for the Week

“You see, in this country are a number of youths who do not like to work, and the college is an excellent place for them.”
― L. Frank Baum, Ozma of Oz

Back to School Supplies

cigar box

It is back to school time and that means back to school supplies.  This is quite an undertaking in our brave new world.  It takes time, effort and, of course money, lots of money.  According to the National Retail Federation, back-to-school spending will average  $635 for families with K-12 children. Of course one has to have the right clothes, the right shoes. the right back pack, the right headphones, the right lunch box, the right water bottle, etc., etc., etc. It seems as if the list never ends, well at least does not end before the budget has been surpassed. Don’t forget the obligatory calculator that will cost more than last year’s calculator that, of course , is not compatible with this year’s work.  There will probably also be a needed software upgrade on the family computer and a bushel full of USB flash drives so that all that homework done on the computer can be lost on the way to school.  (Teacher: “Johnny where is your homework?” Johnny: “The dog swallowed my USB drive.”)  

Way back in the dark ages, when I was in school, it was much simpler: a  couple of shirts, a pair or two of jeans and a new pair of “sneakers” took care of the clothes.  The school supply list consisted of a School Box (cleverly disguised as Dutch Masters President cigar box), an eraser, a few pencils, a compass, a protractor, a binder and some paper.  

They say kids are smarter, I wonder if today’s tech savvy student would know what to do with a protractor and a compass.

 

Friday Funny August 22, 2014 Back to School

school-bus

Summer is coming to a close and back to school time is upon us.  I always enjoyed the first day of school, it was about only day of the year when I was not behind. Here are a few school related jokes to kick off your Friday!

Enjoy!

What do you call a teacher without students? Happy!

Teachers who take class attendance are absent-minded

A first grade teacher handed out a coloring page to her students – on it was a picture of a frog holding an umbrella.  When the class handed them in, one little boy had colored the frog bright purple. The teacher asked the boy, “Please tell me how often have you seen a purple frog?”   The little boy answered, “The same number of times I’ve seen a frog holding an umbrella.” 

After reading the homework assignment, the Teacher called little Billy to her desk and said, “Billy, your essay on ‘My Dog’ is exactly the same as your brother’s. Did you copy it?”  Little Billy without hesitation answered, “No, Mrs. White. It’s the same dog!”

Teacher: Who was the first woman on earth?
Boy: I don’t know?
Teacher: Think of the apple story.
Boy: I know, Granny Smith!  

Teacher: If you had one dollar and you asked your dad for another, how much would you have?
Boy: One dollar.
Teacher: Are you sure?
Boy: Yes, my dad wouldn’t give me a dollar!

Teacher: Give me a sentence with the word “fascinate” in it.
Student: If I had a sweater with ten buttons on it and two fell off, then I would only have to fasten eight.  

Teacher: Glen, how do you spell Crocodile? 
Glen: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L.
Teacher: No, that’s wrong. 
Glen: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

Thought for the Week

Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher.  That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number.  ~Author Unknown

This One is Out of Here.

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Well it is time to put another softball season to rest and, according to my lovely wife, it is also time to put another softball shirt to rest as well.  She tells me that the shirt is old and misshapen.  She said she soaked it for a week and still the dirt stains refuse to come out.  Apparently she thinks I care about playing softball in a clean shirt which, of course, I don’t.  If I came home from a softball game in a clean shirt I think my wife would be asking for eyewitness confirmation that I really played.  I am kind of like Pig Pen from Peanuts when it comes to softball, no matter what I do, I tend to get dirty.  A sure sign that I have played a good softball game is that I need to hose off my shirt and socks in the driveway before even coming inside.   Those ground-in brown splotches on the shirt may be seen as a challenge to my wife.  To me they are little badges of honor, reminders of bases slid into and tumbling attempts to deny line drives admission to the outfield grass.  I suppose that I have been through a number of shirts and jerseys over the years and I am confident none of them left my possession clean.

I admit I am a bit reluctant to let this shirt go.  We have been through a lot together and I am a lot like that shirt.  It has been with me in the thrill of victory and the agony of defeat (and the agony of sore muscles), through trials and errors (lots of errors), though thick and thin (well mostly thick and thicker).  Like this shirt, I am a bit used up, a bit misshapen and a bit stained.  But I keep going out and giving it a shot even though I know my best days are behind me.  I guess as long as it is only the shirt getting tossed and not the wearer along with it, I shouldn’t put up too much of a fight.  I can always find a nice, new, clean shirt.  I just know that it will not stay clean for long.

 

Friday Funny August 15, 2014 Car and Driver

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Happy Friday!  As the time for school to begin draws near, perhaps you might be hitting the road for one last summer trip.  Next time you are out on the roads you might look for some of these car and driver combinations.

Enjoy!

Leonard

A pyromaniac in a Blazer

A barber in a Seville

A creature in a black Laguna

An astronomer in an Eclipse

 A politicain in a Civic

 An orchestra conductor in a Prelude

 A classical musician in a Sonata

 A dog trainer in a Rover

 A band leader in a Tempo

 A bullfighter in a Matador

 An electrician in a Charger

 A snake handler in a Viper

 Barbie in a Malibu

 Sgt. Preston in a Yukon

 Queen Elizabeth in a Regal

 Prince Rainier in a Monaco

 Jim Garner in a Maverick

 Kato in a green Hornet

 John Kerry in a Diplomat

 Speedy Gonzales in a Fiesta

 Wile E. Coyote in a Road Runner

 Elmer Fudd in a Wabbit

 Miss Muffet in a Spyder

 Christopher Columbus in a Voyager

 Blackbeard in a Corsair

 Tonto in a Cherokee

 Carl Sagan in a Nova

 John Mellencamp in a Cougar

 Wonder Woman in a gold Lariat

 Edmund Halley in a Comet

 Nostradamus in a Futura

A Chiropractor in a Contour

An Eye Doctor in a Focus

A Park Ranger in a Forester

An Actor in a Celebrity

An Airline pilot in a Jetta

A Science Teacher in a Prism

A Spy in a Shadow

A Burglar in an Escape

A Fencer in a LeSabre

Robin Hood in an Arrow

A Marine Biologist in a Barracuda

A Maid in a Duster

A Dog-napper in a DeVille

A Physicist in a Fusion

A Cowboy in a Wrangler

Tiger Woods in a Golf 

A Philosopher in an Insight

Thought for the Week

“Always focus on the front windshield and not the review mirror.”
― Colin Powell

Traveling to Another Dimension

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One of my favorite television series is “The Twilight Zone.”  Part of the opening narration from Rod Serling was telling us that “There is a fifth dimension beyond that which is known to man.”  I think I have found out what this fifth dimension is, it is the dimension of shingles!

This last weekend we had a new roof put on our house and they put on dimensional shingles. These are asphalt shingles with a “twist.”  

For many years man lived in huts, tents and caves,  Then he got the bright idea to build houses which lead to all sorts of unintended consequences like mortgages and aluminum siding salesman.  For many years the standard three tab asphalt shingle was fine.  However, now we need a “twist.”  These dimensional shingles are also called “architectural” shingles or “laminated” shingles.  Obviously by any of these names, they sound more expensive than “three tab” shingles and, of course, they are.   The news just keeps getting worse as now the folks out there who manufacture shingles keep pumping out more stylish, eye-catching shingle options.  I suppose there will be mounting pressure across this land to not only keep up with the Joneses, but to keep up with the Joneses’ shingles as well.

Apparently there is an upside, these dimensional shingles are supposed to last longer.  But I wonder if that is all marketing hype.  But it seems like the old styles are going by the wayside and I do not want my house to look too dated.  I can just imagine if I kept the old style shingles, the day would come when I wanted to sell the house and the realtor would come and say, “I have had several people really interested in the house, they like the yard, they like the size of the rooms, they like the layout, but I keep hearing say they just could not live in a house with three tab shingles.”

So, I have succumbed to the pressure and now I have dimensional shingles. ..Dimensional Shingles, isn’t that a disease you get when you are older if you had chicken pox as a kid? 

Friday Funny August 8, 2014 A Fisherman’s Twin Sons

SanDiego2010 006

Seems like a lot of folks are shark crazy this week with all the shark-related shows on TV. I even wasted some time watching a bit of Sharknado II – if you missed it, I am sure it will be on a thousand more times.  So, in honor of Shark Week, here is a little fish story for you.

Enjoy!

One day many years ago, a fisherman’ and his wife had twin sons. They were very excited with the addition to their family, but try as they might, they just could not come up with appropriate names for the two boys. After struggling with this for days, the fisherman said, “Let’s not decide on names right now. If we wait a little while, perhaps the names will simply occur to us.” 

Several weeks passed, and the fisherman and his wife noticed a peculiar fact. When the boys were left alone, one would always turn towards the sea, while the other would always face inland. It didn’t matter how the parents positioned the children, the same child always faced the same direction. “Let’s call the boys Towards and Away,” suggested the fisherman. His wife thought this a bit odd, but lacking any good alternatives, she agreed.  From that point on, the boys were simply known as Towards and Away.

Well, the years passed quickly and the lads grew tall and strong. The day came when the aging fisherman said to his sons, “Boys, it’s time that you learned how to make a living from the sea.” They loaded their ship, said their goodbyes, and set sail for a three-week voyage.

The three weeks passed quickly for the fisherman’s wife, yet the ship had not returned. Another three weeks passed, and still no ship.

Three months passed before the grieving woman saw a lone man walking towards her house. She finally recognized him as her husband. “My goodness! What has happened to my darling boys?” she cried.

 The ragged fisherman began to tell his tragic tale:

“We were just barely one whole day out to sea when Towards hooked into a great giant shark. Towards fought long and hard, but the shark was more than his equal. For a whole week they wrestled upon the waves without either of them letting up. Yet eventually the great shark started to win the battle, and Towards was pulled over the side of our ship. He was swallowed whole, and we never saw either of them again.”

“Oh dear, that must have been terrible! What a huge shark that must have been! What a horrible fish. What a terrible, horrible shark!”

 “Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away!”

Thought for the Week 

Men and fish are alike.  They both get into trouble when they open their mouths.  ~Author Unknown