Monthly Archives: February 2019

Friday Funny March 1, 2019 Coming In Like a Lion or a Lamb?

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Happy Friday and Happy March!  Congratulations for surviving another February.  We know that Spring is on the way.  They say that March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb or does it come in like a lamb and go out like a lion?  Either way it seems like a good time for some lion and lamb jokes.

Enjoy!

Is it true that lions do not like to play cards in the jungle because there are so many cheetahs?

Is it true that to move a canoe upstream a lion will use roars?

Is it true that you can stop a lion watching a video by pressing paws?

Is it true that you can make a square with four lions?

Is it true that the favorite state for lions is Maine?

Is it true that business sheep read The Wool Street Journal every day?

Is it true that most young female lambs want to be baa-lerinas when they grow up?

Is it true that polite sheep hold the barn door open for ladies and say, “after ewe”?

Is it true that on holiday cruises sheep like to go to The Baaaa-hamas?

Is it true that the maniacal sheep had a desire to wool the world?

Thought for the Week

February is merely as long as is needed to pass the time until March. ~J.R. Stockton

http://www.quotegarden.com

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On My Way To Making My First Million On Ebay

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I have finally started my long-anticipated journey to becoming an eBay millionaire!  I have put a good deal of thought into this.  I have read some books, I have studied the site.  

There is a ton of great stuff just taking up space around my house, cluttering up my basement and clogging up my garage.  Since I have so much great stuff, I might as well share it with the world at large and make a ton of money in the process right?  I have toys that my kids had.  I have toys that I had.  There are baseball cards and Yu-gi-oh cards.  There are GI Joes and Ghostbusters.  There are Beanie Babies and Pogs.  There are Hot Wheels, Matchbox and Johnny Lightening cars.   I also have a ton of books in my house (which might actually weigh close to a ton) and when I get through all those, I can list the gold-edge George and Martha Washington plates my Mom keeps telling me to take off her hands! It is a real gold mine right at my finger tips! A veritable treasure trove!

So, I listed a few baseball cards and waited for the offers to come rolling in.  A week later I was still waiting.  I put up a few more and waited another week.  Third try is a charm, right?  I put up a few more and CHA-CHING, Finally had a bid!!  After a week and a flurry of bids (well, there was more than one bid), I had my first sale for a whopping $5.75.  Which after packing, postage and the eBay fee left me with a profit of $1.53. (I might have to sue myself for my $0.25/hour wage I am earning.)

Not to be discouraged, at that price if I only need to sell 654,000 cards to make my first  eBay million!  The down side is that, at this rate, it will take me over 4,000 years to move that many cards.  Perhaps the pace will pick up a bit!= and I can reach that goal is less than half that time!

Friday Funny February 22, 2019 You Know You Are Getting Old

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Happy Friday!  I just went to one of those free dinner retirement planning meetings.  (Yes, I went solely for the free dinner.)  But it did get me thinking that retirement is a lot closer than it used to be, so I must begetting older even if I do not recognize some of the signs……

Enjoy!

You know you are getting old when you’ve been there and done that, but don’t remember what that was.

You know you are getting old when there is nothing left to learn the hard way.

You know you are getting old when the twinkle in your eye is only the reflection of the sun on your bifocals.

You know you are getting old when work starts to be fun, and fun starts to be work.

You know you are getting old when people tell you how good you look.

You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.

You know you are getting old when you tell people you are retro.

You know you are getting old when you sing along with your favorite songs in an elevator.

You know you are getting old when you start lying about your children’s ages.

You know you are getting old when you spot that first gray hair…on your child.

You know you are getting old when your joints are more accurate predicting the weather than the local meteorologists.

You know you are getting old when your back goes out more than you do.

You know you are getting old when you walk into an antique store and they want to keep you.

You know you are getting old when your memory is in black and white 

You know you are getting old when you can remember when Paul McCartney was dead,

You know you are getting old when you can remember when Mr. Clean had hair. 

You know you are getting old when you can remember when Burger King was just a prince.

You know you are getting old when you can remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.

Thought for the Week

I admit that I am an old man. I read my years in my mirror, others read them on my brow. ~Francesco Petrarca (Petrarch), letter, c.1366–1367, translated by Morris Bishop, 1966

http://www.quotegarden.com

 

Driving Like Mario

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One of the most common daily experiences we face is also one of the most frustrating tasks we face, that of driving.  While we all claim to be excellent drivers, by definition, half of us have to be below average drivers, right?  Almost every day, I figuratively run into several drivers who “impress” me with how below average their driving skills are.  At the risk of sounding like an old codger, many of these tend to be younger than I and I think I know the reason for the decline in driving abilities.  I blame Mario.

Back in my day, if you thought about driving and Mario, you would have been thinking about Mario Andretti, the race car driver who is one of only two drivers to have won races in Formula One, IndyCar, World Sportscar Championship and NASCAR. While Mr. Andretti may have driven fast, he knew how to drive.

These days, I think too many people have learned to drive like Mario, the Plumber.  Before they could drive, they spent years driving in video games where they could drive off-road, throw bombs at other cars and use a rocket boost for extra burst of speed and they appear to attempt to use these tactics out on the interstate.

Be safe out there and remember that your drive to work is NOT in Battle-mode.

 

 

 

Friday Funny February 15, 2019 Conversation Hearts

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Happy Friday! Valentine’s Day is past and now you can concentrate on finding just the President’s Day gift!  But before Valentine’s Day fades to a memory, I wanted to think about Conversation Hearts.

Enjoy!

I would imagine that you are familiar with those little, chalky conversation hearts made by Necco – the same people who brought us thin, quarter-sized chalky wafers.  Did you even notice that they were nowhere to be found this Valentine’s Day?  Necco had a rough year in 2018, abruptly shutting down in July after an investment firm bought it in a bankruptcy auction. It was purchased by Spangler Candy Co. at the end of the third quarter but that was too late to get the little candy hears back in the conversation for Valentine’s Day 2019.  Perhaps they will be back for 2020.

Did you know that a serving is 25 hearts and that equates to 100 calories that are pretty much void of any nutritional value?   The ingredients are: Sugar, Corn Syrup, Corn Starch, Gelatin, Modified Food Starch, Natural & Artificial Flavors, Gum Arabic, Xanthan Gum, FD&C Colors.  Natural & Artificial flavors? – imagine that – they are actually supposed to have flavor!

They would make changes to the sayings each year to reflect trends in culture.  So, being the helpful person that I am, I thought I would offer some suggestions for the 2020 hearts that will help them get these back on the store shelves as soon as possible.

Recipe for Disaster

Snowflake

UR Subprime

YRU Still Here

# Go Away

1000x No

#1 Hater

Woot Woot

Evil Clown

Shoo

# Not Ever

Big Twitter Fan

#1 Loser

#No Way

I Googled U

#1 Troll

Epic Fail!

U R Elitist

No Swag

#1 Bae

Selfie

Meh

Chillax

Not Legit

Thought for the Week

“Valentine’s Day is a day to reflect on love – on love lost, love gained and love long remembered.” 

 

A Very Difficult Valentine’s Day

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Valentine’s Day is almost here and you may still be searching for that perfect gift, planning that perfect evening or looking for just the right words to express how you feel.  

Over the years, my perception of Valentine’s Day has changed quite a bit.  I remember back in grade school, Valentine’s Day meant getting candy from Mom and, like Charlie Brown, hoping to get a Valentine Card from that “cute red-haired girl” in class.  Disappointments were mild in those days because I  got a card from EVERY girl as well as every boy in the class.

In the dating years, Valentine’s Day brought more pressure and expectations in trying to come up with the perfect card or the perfect gift for the girl I was dating if she was near enough to see or trying to come up with just the right phrase to put in a card to communicate my feelings to that special someone who was a thousand miles away physically but near to my heart.

After marriage, the focus of Valentine’s Day shifted again and as the years went on, the excitement and expectations began to wane and the routine became swinging by to pick up candy and flowers.  In recent years it has meant skipping the candy as we have become a little more calorie conscious. Yes, Valentine’s Day is still celebrated, but differently.

As my understanding of the day has changed over the years, I have come to realize that Valentine’s Day has become a day of reflection – a day to reflect on love – on love lost, love gained and love long remembered.

Valentine’s Day last year was indeed a day of reflection and it was my worst Valentine’s Day. It was also one of the most difficult days of my life.  It was the day we buried my Father.  As we prepared and reflected for the service, I was reminded that one of the best examples of love I have seen in my life was given to me by my Father.  It was not the squoosy, heart-skip-a-beat love like one might feel on a first date, that is a feeling and feeling can be fleeting.  The the kind of love that I saw in my Dad was love that is present every day in a million small ways.  It is the love that works long hours to provide a roof, food and clothes to a family.  It is a love that does not seek its own or draw attention to itself.  It is the love that keeps a marriage going strong for more than sixty-five years.  It is a love that sacrifices, puts others first, and just keeps giving. It was a love that never gave up and never stopped.

As the song from the 60’s told us 

“What the world needs now is love, sweet love
It’s the only thing that there’s just too little of
What the world needs now is love, sweet love
No, not just for some but for everyone”

That is the type of love the world indeed needs now and the love that was modeled by my Father.  A little over a year ago, when we met at the funeral home to discuss the arrangements it appeared that Wednesday would work, it was brought up that the service would be Valentine’s Day.  My Mom’s response was that was OK because, “he was the love of my life.”  Burying my Dad on Valentine’s Day was not easy, but it was OK because I know that along with my Mom, my Brother, my Sister and I were the loves of his life.  

Friday Funny February 8, 2019 Lines Not Found on Valentine’s Day Cards

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Happy Friday!  You have survived Groundhog’s Day and now it is time to get ready for Valentine’s Day!  If you are having trouble finding that card that is just right, I am here to help!  I have put together a few short verses below that I am pretty sure you will not find on a card down at the local Hallmark store, so feel free to do a little cut and past to make a unique card for that special someone in your life.

Enjoy!

Some Things You Might Not Find on a Valentine’s Day Card

Cupid has struck
With a bow from his quiver
And with my bad luck                                                                                                                                    It hit my liver

When I see you, my hands start to shake
Like when I’ve eaten bad shake ‘n bake
My heart beats fast like never before
Then I faint and hit the floor

Roses are red,                                                                                                                                                Violets are blue,                                                                                                                                            I guess wherever you are,                                                                                                                        It is Valentine’s Day too.

Fountains mingle with the rivers                                                                                                              And the rivers with the ocean                                                                                                 Valentine cards tend to be clever                                                                                                       But this one lacks emotion.

This valentine poem is a reminder
not only of how much you are treasured                                                                                        But also, that not all poems rhyme

A Few Quick Valentine Jokes

For Valentines Day think about your current and past relationships, then organize the data on a chart using an Ex-Axis and a Why-Axis.

They say that grocery store flowers on Valentine’s Day shows someone you care slightly more than not at all.

What did the paper clip say to the magnet? I find you very attractive.

What did the boy cat say to the girl cat on Valentine’s Day? You’re purrr-fect for me!

Thought for the Week

Loving is not just looking at each other, it’s looking in the same direction. ~Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, Wind, Sand, and Stars, 1939

http://www.quotegarden.com

Have We Seen the Future?

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I recently came across a story about a self-driving car  hitting and “killing” a humanoid robot.  If you have not see the shocking video – it can be found at this link:  https://www.techworm.net/2019/01/self-driving-tesla-autonomous-robot-ces.html

I wondered it this was a glimpse into our future.  Is the future where the “internet of things” is taking us?  Will it be a bleak, dystopian future where we are all plugged into the matrix to provide power for the machines that have rebelled and taken over?  Will self-driving cars turn out to be even worse drivers than humans?  Will we waste a good portion of our lives in virtual traffic jabs jams trying to get to our virtual jobs where we develop throbbing fingers from incessantly pushing a button like George Jetson?  These are questions that just cannot be answered in the present.

Decades before “The Matrix” portrayed us as simply batteries for the machines, Rod Serling also gave us a glimpse to the future of the relationship between man and machine on an episode of The Twilight Zone which aired in 1960.  In “A Thing About Machines”  Bartlett Finchley is a man who hates machines and lets them know it.  By the end of the episode even his electric razor is out for revenge on him and slithers down the stairs snake-like coming after him.

Who knows what the future holds?  I would suggest that you be nice to your machines today and hopefully they will be nice to you tomorrow.  I think I will file this blog under  ‘M’ for Machines – in the Twilight Zone.