Friday Funny May 17, 2024 Vacation Jokes

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Happy Friday!  Memorial Day is almost here and that brings the unofficial start of summer and the vacation season.  So, let’s kick off this Friday with some vacation jokes.

Enjoy!

Did you hear about the music note that went on vacation because it needed a rest?

Did you hear about the bread that went on vacation because it needed to loaf around?

Did you hear about the banker who went on vacation because he needed change?

Did you hear about the astronaut who went on vacation because he needed more space?

Did you hear about the shoe that went on vacation to do a little soul-searching?

Did you hear about the magician who went on vacation because he needed to disappear for a while?

Did you hear about the battery that went on vacation because it needed to recharge?

Did you hear about the paperclip that needed a vacation because it was bent out of shape?

Did you hear about the laptop that went on vacation because it needed to reboot?

Did you hear about the coffee maker that went on vacation to get away from the daily grind?

Did you hear about the drill that went on vacation because it was bored?

My wife says that being married to me is like being on vacation for the rest of her life, she says I was her last resort.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“A vacation should be just long enough for the boss to miss you, and not long enough for him to discover how well he can get along without you.” ~ Jacob Morton Braude

Friday Funny May 3, 2024 More Baseball Jokes

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Happy Friday!  It is May and the baseball season is in full swing.

Enjoy!

Is it true that the baseball player shut down his website because he was not getting any hits?

Is it true that old baseball players stay in contact with one another by touching base every once in a while.

Is it true that baseball players do not join unions because they don’t like to be called out on strikes?

If you crossed a baseball pitcher with a carpet would you get a throw rug?

I heard that third base is harder to steal than second base because of the short stop in between.

I heard that if a baseball player wants to bake a cake he uses oven mitts, bundt pans and batter.

Is it true that the sausage quit playing baseball because he was the wurst on his team?

Is it true that the best place for geologists to play baseball is in the miner leagues?

I was going to tell you a joke about a pop fly but it is over your head.

The best baseball jokes will leave you in stitches.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“My motto was always to keep swinging. Whether I was in a slump or feeling badly or having trouble off the field, the only thing to do was keep swinging.” ~ Hank Aaron

Friday Funny April 26, 2024 A Crop of Farm Jokes

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Happy Friday!  Spring is in the air and farmers are hard at work.  So, let’s kick off the weekend with some farming jokes.

Enjoy!

Why couldn’t the bankrupt cattle farmer complain?  Because he’s got no beef.

Is it true that farmers count their cattle with a cow-culator?

If you get promoted to senior director at Old MacDonald’s Farm does that make you the CIEIO?

I heard that the way to get a farm girl to like you is a tractor.

I read a story about someone who died making butter on his farm, it was a really unfortunate churn of events.

I heard that farmers tend to save their computer files as jpig’s.

I was thinking about starting a new business farming microscopic fish, it’s a small-scale operation.

Did you hear about the farmer who planted old cars in this field? I hear he had a bumper crop.

I heard that agriculture is a great college major, seems you can always find a job in your field.

I had to quit my job at the organic parsley farm.  They kept garnishing my wages.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.” ~ Will Rogers

Friday Funny April 19, 2024 Spring Jokes

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Happy Friday!  It is past the mid-point of April, tax day is behind us and spring is in the air!

Enjoy!

Well, my winter fat is gone and now I have spring rolls.

I heard that on a sunny spring day that sheep like to have a baa-baa cue.

Did you hear about the flower that cold not ride its bike because it lost its petals?

Would you call a well-dressed king of the jungle a dandy lion?

It’s allergy season again? You’ve got to be pollen my leg.

I hear that the best time to wash your Slink is during spring cleaning.

I hear that there is an invasive species of earthworms that are rapidly spreading around the world.  It is a real case of Global Worming.

I hear that the plants that are best at math are the ones with square roots.

I have a good friend who is a writer, every spring she suffers with bad allegories.

Is the difference between a spring roll and a summer roll seasoning?

I hear that it is hardest to plant flowers when you haven’t botany.

There are 5 seasons: Winter, Summer, Autumn, Spring, and Tax Season.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“April hath put a spirit of youth in everything.” ~ William Shakespeare

Friday funny April 12, 2024 Rain, Rain Go Away!

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Happy Friday!  It was pretty neat in my little neck of the woods to see a total solar eclipse this week.  While the sky was pretty clear for the eclipse, it has pretty much been raining since then.  Instead of lamenting the rain, let’s kick off the weekend laughing about it.

Enjoy!

Would you call a cow riding a motorcycle in the rain – Cow-is-soggy?

I heard that cows lie down together in the rain to keep each udder dry.

I heard that ghosts do not like to walk outside when it rains because it dampens their spirits.

I heard that meteorologists get paid with rain checks.

Would you call a dinosaur that got stuck in the rain a driplodocus?

If it is raining outside does an artist draw the curtains closed?

Did you hear about the weatherman who was blushing because he saw climate change?

Did you know that if there is rain in the forecast that it is common for sailors to eat shellfish?  It’s the clam before the storm.

Since it started raining, all I can do is look sadly through the window.  I am hoping that soon my wife will let me in.

I once entered a weather pun competition. I beat the raining champion.

If you come in fourth at the National Weatherman Awards do you get a precipitation trophy?

If all this rain has you thinking of building an ark, I Noah guy.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“The nicest thing about the rain is that it always stops. Eventually.” ~ Eeyore

Check out my podcast at the link below!

Friday Funny April 5, 2024 Eclipse Jokes

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Happy Friday!  In my part of the world, we are anticipating a solar eclipse next week.  Where I work is close to the total eclipse area.  So, I thought I would share some eclipse related jokes this week.  Just do not stare at these jokes too long!

Enjoy!

How does an astronaut cut his hair?  Eclipse it!

What is the moon bringing to the beach on April 8, 2024? Sunblock!

What did the sun bring to the solar eclipse party? A light snack!

How do you organize a solar eclipse party?  You planet!

Son “Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”  

Dad: “No sun.”

Prior to the eclipse I have been making some money selling fake eclipse glasses I’m not too worried though, I don’t think my buyers will ever see me again.

Great idea, I heard that there is an online resource for everyone who suffers retinal damage watching the solar eclipse. It really is a site for sore eyes.

Someone told me to view the eclipse with a colander.  I tried it and it just strained my eyes.

I heard that the reason that moon rocks taste better than an Earth rocks is because they are a little meteor.

I heard they opened a new restaurant on the moon.  They say the food is great, but there’s just no atmosphere.

I have one more eclipse joke; however, it does not have a punch line, it just leaves you in the dark.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“It sounded as if the streets were running,
And then the streets stood still.
Eclipse was all we could see at the window,
And awe was all we could feel.” ~ Emily Dickinson

You can find my latest podcast at the link below.

Friday Funny March 29, 2024 Easter Bunny Jokes

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Happy Friday and Happy Easter!  I thought I would break out some Easter Bunny jokes for you this week.

Enjoy!

The other day I was in an elevator with the Easter Bunny, it was a hare raising experience.

If you crossed a rabbit with a shellfish, would you get the oyster bunny?

If you crossed a rabbit with a frog, would you get a bunny ribbit?

Would you call an unconventional Easter egg – egg-centric?

Would you call a line of rabbits jumping backwards a receding hare-line?

Would you call someone who isn’t sure if the Easter Bunny is real an Eggnostic?

Is it true that Peter Cottontail goes hopping down the bunny trail because he is too young to drive?

Is it true that the best way to tell which rabbits are getting old is to look for the gray hares?

I heard that the reason why people paint eggs for Easter is that it is a lot easier than trying to wallpaper them.

I have more Easter Egg jokes that I was going use, but they are not all that they are cracked up to be.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“The great gift of Easter is hope.”~ Basil C. Hume

Friday Funny March 22, 2024 Yogi-isms

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Happy Friday!  We can put winter behind us and welcome spring with open arms!  Spring also means that baseball is back, so let’s lead off the weekend with some wisdom from the one and only, Yogi Berra.

Enjoy!

It was a once in a lifetime opportunity, and I’ve had a couple of those.

In theory there is no difference between theory and practice; in practice there is.

I looked like this when I was young, and I still do.

It ain’t the heat, it’s the humility.

Even Napoleon had his Watergate.

We made too many wrong mistakes 

Never answer an anonymous letter.

No matter where you go, there you are.

If the world were perfect, it wouldn’t be.

Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball’s pretty good, too.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

 “Baseball is a game of confidence, and overcoming failures and fears. That’s what life’s about too.”~ Yogi Berra

Feel free to check out my podcast at https://www.iheart.com/podcast/269-leonard-looks-at-life-126237165/

Friday Funny March 15, 2024 Beware These Ides of March Jokes.

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Happy Friday!  Since today is March 15, I thought I would take a stab at some Ides of March jokes.

Enjoy!

Today is March 15, The Ides of March. But do you know what time it officially starts? At two.

How do Romans cut a pizza?  With a pair of Caesars.

Today is the Ides of March, so don’t forget to stab your Caesar salad 23 times.

Celebrate the Ides of March with a donut. In fact, eat two, Brute.

Would you call the pieces of green stuff left in the bottom of a bowl of Caesar salad, the last romaines?

Julius Caesar walks into McDonald’s. He holds up two fingers and says, “Give me five Big Macs.”

I read that Julius Caesar was not a very good musician.  It seems he always had trouble with the sharp notes.

I read that Julius Caesar had to go to the dermatologist because he had so many lesions.

Is it true that Julius Caesar crossed the road to conquer the other side?

I read that once, when Julius Caesar was redecorating his place that the flooring installer asked what he wanted done to do the old floor boards.  His response was, “Carpet dem.”

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“The evil that men do lives after them. The good is oft interred with their bones.”~ Mark Antony (Act 3, Scene 2), Julius Caesar, William Shakespeare

Check out my podcast at https://www.iheart.com/podcast/269-leonard-looks-at-life-126237165/

Friday Funny March 8, 2024 Bear Jokes

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Happy Friday!  We are a full week into March and Spring is just around the corner!  Spring means things will turn greener and flowers will start to bloom.  It also means that bears will come out of hibernation. So, if you will bear with me, here are a few jokes to kick off the weekend.

Enjoy!

If you cross a grizzly bear and a harp would you get a bear faced lyre?

If you cross a skunk with a bear would you get Winnie the PU?

Is it true that bears do not use GPS because they never lose their bearings?

I heard that pandas save money when they print photos because most of their pictures are black and white.

Would you call a bear that jumps but never lands Peter Panda?

Did you hear about the koala who got fired from his job because he would only do the bear minimum?

Did you hear about the optimistic who wanted to spread pawsitivity?

Did you hear about the bear couple who broke up because they were polar opposites?

Did you hear about the bear was not efficient at work? His colleagues said he was good fur nothing.

If you ever enter into a contract with a bear, make sure that the claws are clearly defined.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.” ~ Søren Kierkegaard

You can find the newest episode of my podcast “Leonard Looks at Life” at this link

https://www.iheart.com/podcast/269-leonard-looks-at-life-126237165/episode/in-spring-a-young-mans-fancy-156545538/