Happy Friday! You might get caught red-handed laughing at these jokes.
Enjoy!
I read a news story about a cybercriminal who got away. It said he ransomware.
I read a news story about a criminal who murders at railway stations. The police think they are on the right track.
I read a news story about a robber who stole a rare and valuable book about Stradivarius. Police are warning the public not to approach him, he has a history of violins.
I read a news story about a criminal who stole a valuable lamp, he got a very light sentence.
I read a news story about a man who has been breaking into farms and stealing cows. Apparently, he is a male with a large moo-stash.
Local police have recently acquired 1,000 bees. They might be used as part of a sting operation.
If you put an organized criminal in hot water, would you have mobster bisque?
A truck load of Brillo pads was stolen last night. Police are currently scouring the area.
Someone broke into my office and stole all the coffee cups. This afternoon I am going to the police station to look at some mugshots.
A am trying to decide of I would rather become a novelist or a career criminal, I guess I am weighing the prose and cons.
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
“I think crime pays. The hours are good, you meet a lot of interesting people, you travel a lot.” ~ Woody Allen
Happy Friday! It is winter, the days are short and the nights are cold, bears hibernate and I tend to sleep more. Let’s have some sleep jokes.
Enjoy!
The other night I had a dream that I was a muffler, I woke up exhausted.
The other night I had a dream I was a battery; I woke up feeling recharged.
The other night I had a dream I was swimming in an ocean filled with orange soda, but it was just a Fanta Sea.
The other night, I had a dream about the Roman numerals 5, 4, 1, and 500. It was VIVID.
The other night I had a dream about a color I had never seen before, it turned out to be just a pigment of my imagination.
The other night I had a disturbingly long dream that I was making a salad, I was tossing all night.
The other night I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram, I was like 0mg.
For the last several weeks, I have had a dream that I am chandelier, turns out I am a light sleeper.
I recently started sleeping in a herb garden. Now. I wake up on thyme.
I have this condition where I tend to eat on nights that I have trouble sleeping, it is called insom-nom-nom-nom-nia.
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
“Day is over, night has come. Today is gone, what’s done is done. Embrace your dreams through the night. Tomorrow comes with a whole new light.” ~George Orwell
Happy Friday! I hope you have your shopping done and your decorations are up because Christmas is less than one week away! So, here are some more Christmas jokes to get you ready.
Enjoy!
Did you know that Captain Nemo never gets any presents from Santa because he is always on the Nautilus.
If someone is not sure about whether Santa exists or not would you call him an eggnogstic?
I read that Santa’s computer system has been hacked. I knew he should not have accepted all those cookies.
Be sure to read all the terms and conditions on the Christmas present you receive, they are, after all, the Santa clauses.
Did you hear about the rope that did not get any presents from Santa because he was on the Knotty List?
It has been such a good year at the North Pole that Santa bought new cars for all his elves, it is a whole fleet of Toy-otas.
I heard that Elton John wanted the lead role in the Santa Claus movies, but they turned him down for the part because he only has a tiny Dancer.
Did you know that the only letter to receive presents from Santa is the Letter E? All the all the other letters are not E.
Did you know that Santa is able to enter any home on Christmas Eve even without a search warrant because he has Probable Claus?
Do you know where does Santa goes to buy stuff for the naughty kids? Kohl’s.
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
“For it is good to be children sometimes, and never better than at Christmas, when its mighty Founder was a child Himself.” ~ Charles Dickens, “A Christmas Carol”
Happy Friday! It is beginning to look a lot like Christmas and it is less than two weeks away now! And to my Jewish Friends, Happy Hannukah that begins Sunday!
Enjoy!
Did you hear about the tree who went to the barber because he needed a trim?
Did you know that everyone at the North Pole is thirsty because there is no well?
Did you know that if you eat Christmas decorations you can get tinsel-itis?
Did you know that after Christmas, Santa stores his suit in a Claus-et?
I heard that a vegan’s favorite Christmas carol is “Soy to the World.”
I heard that the favorite game for reindeer to play at sleepovers is Truth or Deer.
I heard that good King Wenceslas likes his pizza deep pan, crisp and even.
Would you call a Santa Claus who declared bankruptcy Saint-nickel-less?
Would you call a Christmas Wreath made entirely of $100 bills a wreath-of-Franklins?
If Santa bought a motorbike, it would probably be a Holly Davidson.
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
“Maybe Christmas, he thought, doesn’t come from a store. What if Christmas…perhaps…means a little bit more!” ~ How the Grinch Stole Christmas
Happy Friday! Happy December! The Holiday season has started and we are drawing to the conclusion of yet another year. The days have gotten shorter and colder and while the official start of winter is a couple of weeks away, it feels like the right time for some Winter jokes.
Enjoy!
Is it true that snowmen call their kids chill-dren?
Is it true that the favorite Mexican dish for snowmen is burrr-itos?
Did you hear about the kid who kept his trumpet out in the snow because he wanted to play cool jazz?
Did you hear about the snowman James Bond? He has a license to chill.
Would you call a wreath made of $100 bills, a wreath of Franklins?
If you crossed a snowman with a baker would you get Frosty the Dough-man?
I considered starting my own ski resort, but it’s a slippery slope.
You should not use your loyalty card to scrape ice from your windshield. You will only get 10% off.
I am concerned about my snow globe; it looks a bit shaken up.
What do you call a reindeer without eyes? No eye deer.
What do you call a reindeer without eyes and legs? Still, no eye deer.
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
“To appreciate the beauty of a snowflake, it is necessary to stand out in the cold.” ~ Aristotle
Happy Friday! I saw the other day that the McRib, the fruit cake of sandwiches is back for a limited time. So, here are some McDonald’s jokes for you to chew on.
Enjoy!
The McRib is made from ground boneless pork shoulder, not rib meat. The ground pork is mixed with water, spices, and other ingredients to create a patty that is then shaped to look like a rack of ribs and slathered in barbecue sauce. It is just a Mcfigment if your imagination.
Given the success of McRib, McDonalds is considering a new sandwich made entirely of beef lips. They plan on calling it the McJagger.
A few years ago, McDonald’s tried to get into the high-end steakhouse market, it, it turned out to be a Big Mcsteak.
Did you know that McDonald’s is planning on making a Shakespearen play? It’s called McBeth
Is it true that the computer used by Ronald McDonald is a big Mac with virus protection by McAfee?
I went to McDonalds today and ordered two large fries, but instead they gave me lot of little ones.
How does Ronald McDonald introduce his girlfriend? Meet Patty.
The other day, I went to McDonald’s and ate a kids meal. His parents were not happy.
Ronald McDonald started jogging, but he couldn’t ketchup.
I heard that Gerry Rafferty of Stealers Wheel is buried in the same graveyard as Ronald McDonald and Heath Ledger. Turns out he has a clown to the left of him and a joker to the right.
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
“No one of us is more important than the rest of us.” ~ Ray Kroc
Leonard's Lines 