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Friday Funny September 25, 2020 Fall Jokes

Happy Friday! Happy Fall! Congratulations for surviving the summer of 2020!  Hopefully even as the days grow shorter the outlook will grow brighter.  Don’t stop be-leafing in the wonder of fall!

Enjoy!

I would tell you my autumn joke but you probably wouldn’t fall for it.

Did you hear about the scarecrow who was outstanding in his field?

Is it true that the vehicle of choice for a scarecrow is an Autumn-mobile?

Is it true that leaves fall off of trees in the Autumn because of nostalgia as they are simply trying to get back to their roots?

Would you call a pepper in late autumn a little chili?

Did the apple pie cry because its peelings were hurt?

Do the leaves turn colors at the same time each year because the process is autumnated?

If a tree deserted the forest at the end of fall would it be considered absent without leaves?

Did you know that, in addition to migratory birds, lions also move at the end of summer? It is true that the pride goeth before the fall.

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall – hope you do too!

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

And myriad leaves, on which the Summer wrote
Her blushing farewell, at my feet were strown.
~Albert Laighton (1829–1887), “In the Woods,” c.1859

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Friday Funny September 17, 2020 – Car Names

Happy Friday!  Some folks believe that what you drive makes a statement about who you are: however, with some of these names I wonder what the marketing department was thinking.

Some of these are still being manufactured, some can still be found on the road and others are long gone, but the names live on.

Enjoy!

MR2 – The Toyota MR2 was a sporty little number whose production stopped in Japan in 2007.  I can hear the marketing genius, “MR some nice cars they’re making these days.”

Cappucino – Just swing by your favorite coffee shop and pick up a Suzuki Cappucino.

Thing – I think the entire marketing department at Volkswagen must have all been on vacation.

Nova – in Spanish – “no va” Translation: “Doesn’t go.”

Dodge Diplomat/Chevrolet – these were not driven by celebrities nor diplomats.

Eclipse – biggest problem is that you can never see it when there is another car parked between it and you.

Prism – what color is it?  Well that depends on how the sun hits it.

Aspire – what does it aspire to?  Being a better car perhaps?

Protégé – it has the potential to one day be a really good car.

Brat – a small ill-mannered and annoying vehicle, isn’t that just what everyone would want?

Yaris – might be a great car, but it sounds like it might be the little brother of Yoda.

Eldorado a car named after a mythical city in South America– did this car really exist or is it just a legend?

Fury  – the ideal car for road rage before we had a name for road rage.

Excel – the perfect car for accountants or anyone who likes spreadsheets.

Fusion –  maybe if you drive fast enough it liquefies or explodes.

Meteor – does it glow brighter the faster you drive it until it blows up into tiny pieces?

Gremlin – it did sort of look like it had been manufactured by a band of small mischievous gnomes.

Hornet – name a car after a pesky, stinging insect? 

Leaf – does it turn brown and blow away in the fall?

Monte Carlo – every time you turn the key, it’s a gamble.

Satellite – has a tendency to just circle the parking lot over and over again.

Probe – I won’t even touch this one

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers. ~Dave Barry, “Things That It Took Me 50 Years to Learn”

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Friday Funny September 11, 2020 A Full Serving of Diet Jokes

Happy Friday!  Perhaps all of the quarantining has you dealing with a few Covid pounds that that have sneaked onto your frame.  I cannot help you jettison those pounds, but I can let you binge on a few diet jokes.

Enjoy!

If I had a dollar for every time I said that I was going to go on a diet, I would have enough money to buy that treadmill that I am never going to use.

I was going to begin a new diet tonight, but I have too much on my plate.

I started a 10-day crash diet last week.  I don’t want to brag, but I finished it in one day.

I am thinking about going on a cheese only diet – I need to cheddar a few pounds.

I was going to put my dog on a vegan diet but he doesn’t really like vegans.

Would you call a fascist vegan lactose intolerant?

I’ve heard that in an upcoming Star Wars movie Luke will be sent to a Jedi in Italy who specializes diets, his name is Only One Cannoli.

Do you know what diets and social distancing have in common – they both flatten the curve.

I asked my wife if it would be good to include hot dogs in my diet.  She said, “They’re not the wurst.”

I’ve decided to start the Cincinnati Bengal diet – not much happens through the week but I expect to lose a lot on Sundays.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends. ~Author unknown

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Friday Funny September 4, 2020 More Sleep Jokes

Happy Friday and welcome to September!  Labor Day weekend brings with it the unofficial end of a very strange summer.  2020 has brought many concerns that might have caused you to loose some sleep.  If you cannot sleep maybe you can ponder a few sleep related jokes while you stare at the ceiling.

Enjoy!

Apparently, I snore so loudly that I can scare all the passengers in my car while I am driving.

Every morning after I wake up, the first thing I do is make my bed.  I am about ready to return it to Ikea.

I purchased an off-brand Memory foam mattress; it cannot remember who I am.

I know a couple who bought a water bed back when they were popular.  Since then they have drifted apart.

I read that almost one-third of people let their pet sleep on the bed with them.  I thought I would give it a try, my goldfish died.

They say that everyone dreams in black and white.  I am pretty sure that my dreams are in color.  Could it just be a pigment of my imagination?

I was going to tell you about my dream involving a Lion, a Witch and a Wardrobe, but I decided that it is Narnia business.

Once I had a disturbing dream where I was trapped in Panama during a snowstorm. It turns out I was just dreaming of a white isthmus

The other night I had a dream that I was swimming in an entire ocean of  orange soda, it turns out it was just a Fanta sea.

I had a recurring dream once.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

Sleep: a poor substitute for caffeine. ~Author Unknown

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