Monthly Archives: May 2014

Friday Funny May 30, 2014 – Deep Thoughts for Friday

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Happy Friday!  Every once in a while, it is good to pause, take a deep breath and ponder some deep thoughts.

Enjoy!

To me, it’s always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, “Hey, can you give me a hand?,” you can say, “Sorry, got these sacks.”

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

Either you like bacon or you are wrong.

I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile, then walk into a pole.

If I don’t love something, is it still OK to set it free?

Just because I wear a sandwich board doesn’t make me some kind of hero.

I have this great trick where I can take a glass of ice water and, through sheer
concentration, bring it to a boil. Well, actually, I’ve never gotten it to boil,
but I did get it up to room temperature once.

For me, failure is not an option. It comes standard with everything I do.

I put out some Rat-B-Gon, but it doesn’t work. Not only isn’t the rat gone, it hasn’t
even moved for the last two days.

I have CDO. It’s like Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, only in alphabetical order like it should be.

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

There are two kinds of people: those that can count and those that can’t.

Remember Clones are people two.

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, “Quit while you’re ahead?”

If it’s true that we are here to help ‘others’—then what exactly are the ‘others’ here for?

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

If a cow laughs hard enough, would milk come out her nose?

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

So what’s the speed of dark?

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?
A day without sunshine is like – Night.

On the other hand – you have different fingers

97.2 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

The early bird may get the worm – but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened?

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

Don’t miss the donut by looking through the hole. ~Author Unknown

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Movie Wisdom

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I certainly hope that this Memorial Day you took time to reflect on the gift provided by those who gave the ultimate sacrifice so that we might have the opportunity to enjoy our freedom.

Weekend and holidays are often a great time to catch up on those DVD that have been gathering dust since you received them last Christmas or last birthday or some other time.  A quick search of the internet will provide a wealth of important things we have learned from watching movies.  Here are some of my favorites, feel free to add yours to the list.

..All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
…If being chased through town, you almost always take cover in a passing St. Patrick’s Day parade – regardless what time of the year. (Unless you are in New Orleans where there is always a Mardi Gras parade.)
…All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.
…It’s possible for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to provide instructions to you.
…Once applied, makeup and lipstick will never rub off – even while swimming or being adrift at sea for days.
…The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
…If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition even if you haven’t been carrying any before now.
…You’re very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
…Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
…If your town is threatened by an eminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor’s first concern will be the tourist trade.
…The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
…The Washington Monument can be seen from any window in Washington, DC.
…A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
…When paying for a taxi, don’t look at your wallet as you take out a bill – just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
…Kitchens don’t have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
…Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.
…Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames and roll down steep hillsides.
…The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective – or give him 48 hours to finish the job.
…A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of the Rose Bowl.
…Medieval peasants had perfect teeth and clean, but ragged, clothes.
…Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
…If the phone rings in the middle of the night, one has to turn on the light next to the bed before answering the phone.
…It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.
…Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
…All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they’re going to go off and they all have blue, red, yellow and green wires.
…It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
…A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
…It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts – your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
…When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
…No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
…Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
…When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
…You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
…Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds – unless it’s the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
…Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment.
…If you pull your collar up and your hat down over your eyes, police will never recognize you.

 

 

Friday Funny May 23, 2014 – Summer Travel Ideas

lwff

Happy Memorial Day!  This week kicks of the unofficial start of the summer travel season.  If you are still undecided about where to go this summer, here are a few suggestions if your travels take you to Indiana or Texas.

Medora, Indiana: where you can see the longest covered Bridge in the USA. This bridge spanning the East Fork of the White River took nine months to build in 1875. Unfortunately, you cannot cross this bridge when you come to it, it has been closed to traffic since 1972.

Alexandria, Indiana: boasts the World’s Largest Ball of Paint! Mr. Michael Carmichael has spent more than 30 years applying over 18,000 layers of paint to a baseball. It now weighs close to 1,500 pounds. And you thought that pitcher for the Yankees was applying a lot of foreign substance to the ball.

Aurora, Indiana: Woman Buried in Her Cadillac. Aurora Schuck loved her Cadillac El Dorado so much that she asked her husband to bury her in it when she died. When Ray passed away a number of years later, the vault was reopened and Ray was placed next to his wife. Mrs. Schuck was moved and has been a back seat driver ever since.

Fort Wayne, Indiana: Johnny Appleseed Grave. Here you can find the final resting place of America’s most beloved migrant farmer. The grave is in a well-marked memorial park, the plot surrounded by a wrought iron fence.

Indianapolis, Indiana: Elvis’s Last Concert Parking Lot Plaque. Market Square Arena was the sight of the last performance of The King on June 26, 1977. It was demolished blown in 2001, but the plaque remains. Just don’t step on the plaque with your blue suede shoes.

Seymour, Indiana: Graves of America’s First Train Robbers. The Reno Brothers pulled off America’s first planned train robbery, but the old adage about crime not paying was true for them, they were caught, hanged by vigilantes, and buried in the town cemetery.

Terre Haute, Indiana: The Wave We Were: Hairstyling Museum. This one gets my vote for the best named attraction. Here you can find scissors, curling irons, hair dryers, permanent wave machines, and hundreds of other artifacts that go back to the 19th century.

Waco, Texas: The Bear Pit. This is the home of the Baylor Bears, the mascots of Baylor University. The latest enclosure/habitat is not really a pit, and the bears seem to be well-tended. A place like Jellystone Park where you can, “Look at the Bears! Look at the Bears! Look at the Bears!”

Waxahachie, Texas: Munster Mansion. Charles and Sandra McKee built their home as a replica of the Munster’s house. Apparently the McKee’s have both too much time and too much money. The house is opened for special charity events, usually in October, and you can stop and snap a picture of the outside anytime.

Fort Worth, Texas: Logan’s Run Water Garden. The Fort Worth “Water Garden” opened in downtown Fort Worth in 1974 and was welcomed as an oasis of plants and wetness in the midst of a concrete jungle. The Garden is still a popular spot for lunch eaters and wedding photographers, but its “Active Pool” is especially loved by fans of the 1976 sci-fi film Logan’s Run. It was on its futuristic water-splashed terraces that the film’s bewildered-young-people-who-can-now-grow-old emerged from their dystopian domed city into the real world.

San Antonio, Texas: Barney Smith’s Toilet Seat Art Museum. For over 50 years Barney Smith, retired master plumber, has turned toilet seats into works of art. He creates in his garage, and loves visitors. Barney turns 93 in 2014. At last count he had completed 1,069 toilet seats.

For even more unique out-of-the-way places check out http://www.roadsideamerica.com

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

Let no vandalism of avarice or neglect, no ravages of time, testify to the present or to the coming generations, that we have forgotten, as a people, the cost of a free and undivided Republic.  ~John A. Logan

http://www.qutegarden.com

 

 

 

The Importance of a First Date Movie

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Believe it or not, the first movie you see with a date is a pretty good indicator of the outcome of the relationship.  Don’t tune me out just yet.  The other day I was thinking about first date movies that I saw and I realized that they were very accurate indicators of what I was getting into.  (Not that I had that many first dates in my life – I only need one hand to count them and I don’t even need all the digits).  So, stay with me as I tell my tale.

“Follow Me Boys” – this was the first movie I ever saw on a “real” date.  I was only 16 and looking for something that would not embarrass me or my date and this Disney movie that had been re-released to theaters seemed like a safe bet.  Basic plot was guy comes to town and ends up staying in an effort to woo girl away from rival. Everything falls neatly into place and everyone lives happily ever after.  Yeah, like that happens in the real world.  Of course in real life, things never quite translate from a Disney movie and in real life one does not usually spend one’s life with the first person one ever goes on a date with.  Pieces seldom fall into place that easily.   Real life is never easy or neat.  Needless to say this was not my last first date.  Side note – Walt Disney died two weeks after the film’s original release.

“Night of the Living Dead” – a classic low-budget movie which probably should have been a real clue to the young lady I saw this with.  It is a movie about zombies and there are no “happy endings” in zombie movies.  Another thing about zombies is that it is hard to determine if they are dead or alive, just like it was hard to figure out if this was really a “date” or just spending some time with someone who became a very good friend.

“Sliver Streak” – a nice lighthearted comedy with a bit of mystery and suspense mingled in.  This one sounds like it would have the makings for a great and dynamic dating relationship.  However, the train runs out of control and the film ends with a rather spectacular train wreck.  First date movies of disasters and/or horror (see “Night of the Living Dead” above) are best avoided.  The relationship was fun, but it did not end well.

“Doc Savage, The Man of Bronze” –  a pretty cheesy movie that you have probably never heard of – a bad Indiana Jones movie a few years before “Raiders of the Lost Ark.”  The thing was, it had all the pieces: the handsome, dashing hero; the beautiful, captivating damsel; good versus evil – however, all the pieces just did not quite come together as intended.  At perhaps the most romantic moment of the movie, when everyone is waiting for Doc to tenderly kiss his damsel in distress he gives her a little tap on the chin and says, “Mona, You’re a Brick.”  The pieces were there, but things just did not work out for this relationship.

“The In-Laws” – (1979 version)  a movie about a couple preparing to get married, there was a lot of suspense, conflict, and comedy with some crazy parents mixed in as well.  Everything in this movie was just pretty messy and confusing leading up to and including the wedding. Now that sounds pretty much like real life and the young lady I took to see that movie as a first date has been my wife for more than thirty years now.

 

Friday Funny May 16, 2014 – Maybe This Was Not an Emergency

lwff

 

I read a story this week about a lady in Gastonia, South Carolina who called 911 because her Subway Flatizza was made with mariana sauce instead of pizza sauce. (If you read the description of a Faltizza, they all have mariana sauce.) That just started me wondering what other non-emergency situations have resulted in 911 calls. So, I put on my top-notch researcher hat and found the following chosen especially for you. Enjoy!

  • “My son won’t give me the remote control.”
  • “Can an officer come over and tell my kids to go to bed?”
  • “I can’t find the movie theater and the movie starts in 5 minutes”
  • “Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.”
  • A woman in Oregon, called 911 because she thought a deputy who had just visited her house on a complaint was good-looking and she was interested in setting up a date, she ended up getting arrested instead.
  • A Florida woman called 911 because she was locked inside her car WHILE SHE WAS IN IT! Of course all she needed to do was manually pull up the lock on the door. 
  • Another Florida woman called 911 because McDonald’s was out of Chicken McNuggets, “This is an emergency. If I had known they didn’t have McNuggets, I wouldn’t have given my money, and now she wants to give me a McDouble, but I don’t want one.” 
  • A Florida man (I am starting to notice a pattern here) called 911 because the sandwich shop left the special sauce off his hero. He was so upset he called twice. The first time about the sandwich. The second time, to complain that about the slow response time.
  • In Britain, a man called authorities to report a large and mysterious flying object that lit up the sky. He soon followed up the first call saying he had solved this mystery. He determined the large and mysterious object was, in fact, the moon.
  • The Regina, Canada fire department raced off to battle a reported fire at the nearby Canadian Football League stadium. Upon arrival, they were able to quickly determine that the report fire was a burning log displayed on the stadium’s giant video screen.
  • Police received the a call from Chinese version of 911 from a woman called the local 911 in China after her boyfriend refused to warm up her cold feet. This was quickly followed by a call from the boyfriend complaining that his girlfriend was too demanding.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

A man can fail many times, but he isn’t a failure until he begins to blame somebody else. ~John Burroughs

WWW.QUOTEGARDEN.COM

 

Show Up and Be Ready to Play

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The professional baseball season is a long grind, 162 games beginning in the chilly days of early spring, continuing through the hot and humid dog days of summer, and ending with the crisp autumn air of late September.  If you are lucky, you get to play on into October. 

The 1962 expansion New York Mets are considered one of the worst baseball teams of all time.  That hapless band of characters lost 120 games, yet somehow they still managed to win 40 games.  The 2001 Seattle Mariners compiled the best record over the last sixty years winning 116 games while losing 46.  So, even the worst team wins a quarter of its games and even the best team loses a quarter of its games.  So the difference between the great teams and the lousy teams really comes down to how they do in that 50% of the games that are up for grabs.

Of course talent makes a difference, but just because a team has what it thinks are the best, most talented players, does not guarantee victory (see the 1992 Mets).  It often comes down to the team that is prepared and ready to play every day.  I had a statistics professor in college who liked to call on people at random.  If you were not ready with an answer he would usually say something like, “you don’t show up at a game without your glove! You don’t go without your spikes! Why do you show up without your homework?”

My youngest son graduated recently from The Ohio State University.  The graduation speaker was Chris Matthews host of Hardball with Chris Matthews.  The main point of his address can be condensed to an admonition to graduates to “show up and be prepared.” That is good advice for graduates, for baseball players, for anyone.

Life like the baseball season is a long grind.  Show up everyday prepared and ready to play:  some days will be great and you win in spite of yourself, some days you lose no matter what you do.  But there are all those other days, days that can be won or lost that make a real difference.  In life and baseball if you keep plugging away and manage to win more than you lose you just might find that, at the end of the long season, you have safely arrived at “home” and accomplished something great.