Monthly Archives: October 2016

Friday Funny October 28, 2016 Fifteen Signs You Are Too Old for “Trick or Treat”

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Happy Friday!  This weekend is the time to stock up on goodies for the little ghouls and goblins who will be paying you a visit soon.  You might even be tempted to go out for “Trick or Treat” yourself; however before you grab a pillowcase and head toward your neighbor’s house take a few moments to ponder if you just might be a bit to old for this.

Enjoy!

YOU’RE TOO OLD TO TRICK OR TREAT WHEN…

…You have trouble staying up late enough for Trick or Treat to begin.

 …Your biggest fear is biting into a Bit-O-Honey and getting your dentures stuck in it.

… Almost anything currently hanging in your closet can be used as a costume.

…Your costume is older than most of the kids out for Trick or Treat.

…You have been dressing up as Luke Skywalker ever since Episode IV was released.

…You have been dressing up as Michael Myers ever since the original Halloween was released.

…You started dressing up as Elvis when he was still alive.

… Your back begins to ache from carrying around that heavy bag of candy.

… People say, “Great Frankenstein Mask,” and you’re not wearing a mask.

… The door opens you yell, “Trick or…” and can’t remember the rest.

… By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.

…You remember when “Thriller” was a new song.

…You remember when “The Monster Mash” was a new song.

… You’re the only Ghost-buster in the neighborhood with a walker.

…You don’t think “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown” is the same without the Dolly Madison commercials.

Thought for the Week

Halloween was confusing. All my life my parents said, “Never take candy from strangers.” And then they dressed me up and said, “Go beg for it.” I didn’t know what to do! I’d knock on people’s doors and go, “Trick or treat.” “No thank you.”  ~ Rita Rudner

 

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History On Deck

baseball

We are on the verge of history.  Within the next few weeks, we will witness something that has not happened in over fifty years (the Cleveland Indians winning the World Series) or something that has not happened in over 100 years (the Chicago Cubs winning the World Series).  Either way, it will be a memorable and historical World Series.  Yet, baseball is not what it was one hundred years ago of what it was even fifty years ago.   While Baseball has been called America’s pastime, it appears that baseball is past its prime.  The juggernaut known as the NFL is the king of the ratings and the dollars these days. It has been said that Baseball is too slow, its games to long, there are too many games a week and too many weeks in a season.  Football is in, have a party on Sunday and watch the game.

A number of years ago comedian George Carlin developed a routine that involved drawing comparisons between football and baseball.  Among his observations was that baseball is played on a diamond while football was played on a gridiron, in a stadium.  He noted that football has hitting, clipping, spearing, piling on, personal fouls, late hitting and unnecessary roughness while baseball has the sacrifice.  He noted that the objectives were different in football the object is for the quarterback to march his troops into enemy territory, using an aerial assault and ground attack that punches holes in the forward wall of the enemy’s defensive line while in baseball the object is to arrive safely at home.  He also noted that baseball begins n the spring, the season of new life while football begins in the fall, when everything’s dying.  Mr. Carlin made an impressive argument for the superiority of football to be THE game for America. 

However, George Carlin is not the only one to write about baseball.  The late Baseball Commission A. Bartlett Giamatti also noted that baseball begins in the spring – he wrote that baseball breaks your heart by design.  “The game begins in the spring, when everything else begins again, and it blossoms in the summer, filling the afternoons and evenings, and then as soon as the chill rains come, it stops and leaves you to face the fall alone.”  

Mr Giamatti also pondered the point at which a runner begins and ends his journey.  He wondered why wasn’t it fourth base? Why was it home?  And perhaps therein lies the real magic and meaning of the game called baseball.  Mr. Giamatti who had served as a professor of English Renaissance literature and as the President of Yale University noted that “home is an English word virtually impossible to translate into other tongues. No translation catches the associations, the mixture of memory and longing, the sense of security and autonomy, the accessibility, the aroma of inclusiveness, the freedom from wariness, that cling to the word home, that are absent from ‘house’ or even ‘my house.’ Home is a concept, not a place, a state of mind where self-definition starts; it is origins. A mix of time and place and smell and weather wherein one first realizes that one is an original — perhaps like others, especially those one loves, but discreet, distinct, not to be copied. Home is where one first learned to be separate, and it remains in the mind as the place where reunion, if it were ever to occur, would happen.”

In football a team marches down the field, as a unit, in conquest.  In baseball a batter starts a solitary journey at home and hopes that, with the aid of his teammates each facing his own obstacles alone, he will return home again and join his teammates.  This is the American dream –  not to make it all alone, but to survive in the face of individual trials and thrive with the aid of others.

Political commentator George Will is an avid baseball fan and has written a few books on baseball.  He has noted that “baseball is what we were, football is what we have become.”  This appears to be all too true.  Mr. Will has also commented that “football combines the two worst aspects of American life:  violence punctuated by committee meetings.”

One of my favorite baseball movies is “Field of Dreams.”   When I think of the essence of baseball, I think about the scene towards the end of the movie when the character Terrence Mann convinces Ray that people will come.  He says, “The one constant through all the years, Ray, has been baseball. America has rolled by like an army of steam rollers. It’s been erased like a blackboard, rebuilt, and erased again. But baseball has marked the time. This field, this game, is a part of our past, Ray. It reminds us of all that once was good, and it could be again. Oh, people will come, Ray. People will most definitely come.”

Perhaps all of us, as we get older, begin to long for yesterday when things were different and more familiar.  Lately and particularly during this 2016 political campaign, I prefer to be reminded of what was once good and could be again, I prefer what we were to what we have become.

Friday Funny October 21, 2016 Emails for the Trash Bin

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Happy Friday! As another work week winds down, I was thinking about how many of us are drowning in the sea of information that surrounds us.  If you don’t feel overwhelmed by the constant onslaught of information we deal with these days, just try ignoring  your email inbox for a few days!  While email can provide us with a lot of useful and timely information, much of it is just plain old Spam. To help you sort through what to read and what to delete, below are some email subject lines that are just a bit stale and can probably be sent straight to the trash bin

Enjoy!

Latest Developments Concerning Y2K

Twenty-Five Reasons to Upgrade to a Touch Tone Phone

Investments Secrets of Bernie Madoff

Buying Beanie Babies for Fun and Profit

Fashion with Fanny Packs

Macarena Party!

Secrets for Solving Rubik’s Cube

Best Prices for a New Walkman!

Make Your Own Parachute Pants!

Learn to Sing Like Milli Vanilli

Learning CB Lingo in 3 Easy Lessons 10-4!

Finding Perfect Accessories for Your Leisure Suit

Twelve Reasons Why You Need a PDA (Personal Digital Assistant)

Thought for the Week

“A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.” ~ Emo Philips

Differences Between Men and Women #37 Tissues

TISSUE BOX

It has been awhile since I have touched on the innumerable differences between men and women.  So, let’s think for a moment about tissues.  Tissues appear to be a rather innocuous commodity.   To a man a tissue is what a tissue is – a piece of soft and very thin paper that is used especially for cleaning.  A tissue can be used for many things. A man might use a tissue to clean his glasses to blow his nose – if a handkerchief (much more manly than a tissue) is not available.  A man may or may not carry a handkerchief or tissues.  A woman may use a tissue to clean her glasses, to blow her nose, to dry a tear, to spit on and remove a smudge from a child’s face, the list goes on and on.

A man is more likely to carry a handkerchief than tissues.  A handkerchief has advantages over a tissue, it may be used more than once, it is easier to find and handle a single handkerchief than it is to disentangle a  single tissue from a wad of crumpled tissues.  It can even be laundered, on occasion and put to use even more times.  A man will use a handkerchief as long as 1) there is at least one spot on it that is not completely black and/or 2) there is at least one spot on it that is semi-dry.

A woman will use one tissue one time and therefore arises the necessity that there must be an abundant supply of tissues.  For a woman, tissues are a must have accessory and the more sources of tissues the better.  There should be a few in a pocket and a small packet in her purse.  

A man may or may not have some tissues in the vehicle he drives.  A woman will have some sort of container for tissues either on the floor of the vehicle or attached to at least one of the visors as well as a spare box in the glove compartment.  A mistake many men make is assuming that the cup holders in the car are for cups.  No, at least one cup holder in the front and one in the back, if available, are for the storage of tissues.

I am not sure what has caused this deep-seated and pervasive fear in women that they may run out of tissues.  However, it has been observed that this condition only increases with age.  Just try this simple experiment, upon approaching any elderly lady greet her and ask her if she has a tissue you may have.  The odds are  greatly in your favor that she will have one and she will offer it to you.  Hopefully it will be one that does not already have a red lipstick stain on it.

You may find this amusing, but this difference is nothing to sneeze at.

Friday Funny October 14, 2016 Take My Jokes, Please!

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Happy Friday!  This is an exciting week for me as one of my son’s is getting married this weekend.  So, of course, I had to offer up a little matrimonially related humor.

Enjoy!

There are two times a man does not understand a woman, before marriage and after marriage.

Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor’s Degree and the woman gets her Masters.

Did you hear about the two bed bugs that fell in love? They got married in the spring.

Did you hear about the two antennae that got married? T ceremony was not that great, but the reception was terrific.

What do you call two spiders that just got married? Newly-webs.

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. (Henny Youngman) 

The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it. (Ann Bancroft)

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half-shut afterwards. (Benjamin Franklin)

A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong. (Milton Berle)

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. (George Burns)

All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner. (Red Skelton)

If you think your marriage is perfect, you’re probably still at your reception. (Martha Bolton)

Thought for the Week

“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” ~ Rita Rudner

Fall and Pumpkin Spice is in the Air

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The days are getting shorter and cooler, the leaves are stating to change colors. the calendar says October.  That means it is time for pumpkin and pumpkin spice to make its annual appearance which brings only one question to my mind: why? 

I really do not get all the fuss with pumpkin and pumpkin spice.  First of all there is only one way to eat pumpkin pie and that is with Cool Whip, lots and lots of Cool Whip.  I believe science has determined that the optimal ratio is one part pumpkin pie to twelve parts Cool Whip.  In fact 93.7% of adults find pumpkin pie tolerable if served in this ratio.

I have never been much of a fan of pumpkin pie.  (Take my word, pecan pie is the way to go in the fall!)  Perhaps that orangy-brown paste that comes out of the can brings up some repressed memories of baby food that I did not care for but might have been force-fed as an infant along with a variety of other “strained” vegetables.  I imagine most of the “strain” involved getting me to eat them.  And what exactly is in that can of pumpkin anyway?  The USDA defines canned pumpkin as: “The canned product prepared from clean, sound, properly matured, golden fleshed, firm shelled, sweet varieties of either pumpkins and squashes by washing, stemming, cutting, steaming and reducing to a pulp. ”  The fact is that you cannot even be sure that your pumpkin pie is, in fact, pumpkin pie.  “Gee that Thanksgiving dinner was great now let’s have a piece of that pie that may or may not have some pumpkin in it.”

Yet as little as I am a fan of pumpkin pie, I am even less of a fan of pumpkin spice.  There has been an absolute proliferation of pumpkin spice products in recent years.  Now you can get pumpkin spice cereals, pumpkin spice cookies, pumpkin spice yogurt, pumpkin spice popped corn, pumpkin spice English muffins, pumpkin spiced lattes, even pumpkin spice latte Peeps.  Pumpkin spice latte Peeps!!  (Peeps by the way should only be harvested in the spring, eating Peeps in the fall is leading to a rapid decline in the number of Peeps in the wild and may put Peeps on the endangered list in the very near future.)   

Can’t we just please stop the madness?!!  This is not even pumpkin flavor, this is pumpkin spice – the stuff you put on the above mentioned pumpkin or not pumpkin puree when you make a pie so that, given the proper ratio of pumpkin pie and Cool Whip it can be tolerated by 97.3% of the population.  

What in the world, you might ask is pumpkin spice?  It is a combination of cinnamon, nutmeg, ginger and cloves.  So what is it about fall that makes one want to put cinnamon, nutmeg, ginger and cloves on everything imaginable including Peeps? And if many of you are so drawn to this spice combination, why don’t you crave it all year round?  I think I have the answer, it is a marketing ploy – all this pumpkin spice stuff is “only available for a limited time” which convinces you that you must have it, so you go out and spend your hard-earned money, not because you like it but because it is “only available for a limited time.”  How many of you once you have that pumpkin spice latte or Peep in hand think to yourself, “You know I really don’t even like this, but it is only available for a limited time and by golly am I lucky it was still available?”

I know many of you are thinking that I am just delusional and that you really do like your pumpkin spice cereal.  You have your feelings about pumpkin and pumpkin spice and I have mine and we will just have to agree to disagree.  To take and slightly adjust a line from Linus in The Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown: “There are three things that I’ve learned never to discuss with people: religion, politics, and the Pumpkin spice.”

Friday Funny October 7, 2016 Time Keeps Slippin’ Into the Future

time-machine-taylor

Happy Friday!  Another week has gone by quickly, it seems like all weeks go by quickly. Then those weeks turn into years and the years turn into decades and before you realize it a lot of sand has flowed through that hourglass we call time.  Like Aerosmith sang

“Every time when I look in the mirror
All these lines on my face getting clearer
The past is gone
It went by, like dusk to dawn”

This week I was thinking about many things that have come and gone during my lifetime.  As you look through the list a few may bring a smile to your face and a few may make you cringe.  I am sure you could add many more to the list.  If none of these mean anything to you, then you are just a young whippersnapper!

Enjoy!

Columbia Hose (12 Albums or a penny)

A record on the back of a cereal box

Buying a CD player for its anti-skip technology.

Running out of hours on your AOL account.

“Be kind and rewind.”

Floppy disks  (3.5 and/or 5/25)

Getting your film developed

Dial-up Internet

Fax machines

The encyclopedia

Jarts

Saturday Morning Cartoons

Physical Mail

Card Catalog

Clothesline

Glass milk jugs (delivered to your house)

Sea-monkeys

Tang and Space Food Sticks

Creepy Crawlers

Sun Tan Lotion

Pagers

Personal Digital Assistants (PDAs)

Paper Maps

CB Radios

Slide Projectors

Punch Cards

Walkie Talkies

Ditto Machines

Carbon Paper

White Out

transistor Radios

VCR’s

Thought for he Week

“The future has a way of arriving unannounced.” ~ George Will
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