Monthly Archives: November 2017

Friday Funny November 24, 2017 Less Filling Jokes

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Happy Friday!  I hope you had a good Thanksgiving.  If you are like me you are still full from all of the goodies.  The holiday season is upon us and it hard to turn away from the great food that seems to show up everyday from now through the end of the year.  So, while this a bad time to go on a diet, at least it is time for me to THINK about going on a diet.

Enjoy!

My idea of a balanced diet is a Big Mac in each hand. 

I’ve been on the rotation diet. Every time I turn around I eat.

I’m thinking about trying the Dr. Doolittle Diet – talking to my food instead of eating it. 

I think it is time to try the cheese diet, I need to cheddar a few pounds. 

I tried the garlic diet, I did not lose much weight, but from a distance my friends thought I looked thinner. 

In my dieting effort, I went to the paint store, I heard you can get thinner there.

You think dieting is easy, let me tell you it is definitely not a piece of cake. 

Diets are for people who are thick and tired of it. 

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter. 

What do you call a fascist vegan? Lactose intolerant. 

Thought for the Week

As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them. ~John Fitzgerald Kennedy

http://www.quotegarden.com

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Friday Funny November 17, 2017 Calling on the Hotline, the Butterball Hotline

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Happy Friday!  It is now less than a week to Thanksgiving and I imagine your Thanksgiving plans are well underway.  The anticipation of sharing a great meal with family is often mixed with anxiety about preparing the “perfect meal” for everyone.  One of the biggest culinary concerns is often the turkey.  Well, fear not, Butterball operates a Turkey Hotline every year during the holiday season to help you cook that perfect Thanksgiving bird.  Of course they do receive some rather interesting questions from time to time. Here are some of my favorites.

Enjoy!

Calls from harried hosts that cleaned their birds with metal scouring pads, and
need advice on how to get the metal bits out of the turkey.

“I don’t want to cook the whole turkey, so I cut it in half with a chainsaw. How do I get the chainsaw oil out of the turkey?”

“Can I cook the turkey on the engine block of my semi while I’m driving? If I drive faster, will it cook faster?”

The turkey in my freezer is 23 years old. Is it safe to eat?

Asked what state her turkey was in, the caller told the Talk-Line operator: “Florida.”

“Your directions say to roast the turkey, but my oven says only bake or broil;
how do I set it?”

Does the turkey go in the oven feet first or head first?

“Are one of the turkey’s legs dark meat and the other white?”

How long does it take to thaw a fresh turkey? 

How do I prepare a turkey for vegetarians?

Can I thaw a frozen turkey in the aquarium with my tropical fish?

How do I roast my turkey so it gets golden brown tan lines — in the shape of a turkey bikini?

As you might guess, most turkey traumas occur on Thanksgiving Day. Never
fear, Butterball has their entire staff of home economists is on duty that day to
handle the 7,000 to 8,000 calls the talk line will receive that day.

Just in case, the number is 1- 800-Butterball (1-800-288-8372).

Thought for the Week

“Things turn out best for people who make the best of the way things turn out.”~ John Wooden

Friday Funny November 10, 2017 Quick One Liners

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Happy Friday!  Here is hoping that your sugar levels are returning to their pre=Halloween levels.  Here are some quick jokes to get you ready for the weekend.

Enjoy!

Do lions move at the end of summer because the pride goeth before the fall?

Just found out that my email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the dog.

A dad is washing the car with his son. After a few moments, the son asks his father, “Do you think we could use a sponge instead?”

Let me tell you, the day that I found out that my toaster wasn’t waterproof, I was shocked.

Every time I have a headache, I take two aspirin and keep away the children, just like the bottle says.

I used to be in a band, we were called ‘lost dog’. Perhaps you have seen our posters.

Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.

My wife was complaining last night that I never listen to her. Or something like that…

The question isn’t at what age I want to retire, it’s at what income.

I grew a beard thinking it would say “Distinguished Gentleman.” Instead, turns out it says, “Senior Discount, Please!”

I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time.

The future, the present and the past walked into a restaurant. Things got a little tense.

Thought for the Week

“Fall is that time of year when the leaves crinkle under your feet and the air crinkles in your nose.”

 

Friday Funny November 3, 2017 Workplace Humor

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Happy Friday and Happy November!  Here is little employment humor to help you work your way through Friday.

Enjoy!

A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.

My boss says I intimidate my co-workers; I just stared at him until he apologized.

I don’t work well under pressure… or any other circumstance.

I just hired a private investigator to find out what I do all day.

I have learned that a man can do more than he thinks he can, but he usually does less than he thinks he does.

I asked the corporate wellness officer, “Can you teach me yoga?” He said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can make it Tuesday or Thursday.”

I will go to work in the morning with an innocent, child-like belief today is the day people will think twice before hitting “Reply All.”

Team work is important; it helps to put the blame on someone else.

I updated my resume and realized it is not much more than a list of things I hope I am never asked to do again.

I filled out a job application today, it asked for three references.   I wrote, “an encyclopedia, a dictionary, and a thesaurus.”

Are claustrophobic people more productive when they are thinking outside of the box?

I used to work at a fire hydrant factory, they did let you park anywhere near the place.

I had a friend who got fired from his job as a chef for stealing kitchen equipment.  Apparently it was a whisk he was willing to take.

Keep the dream alive: hit the snooze button.

Thought for the Week

“The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form.” ~Stanley J. Randall

http://www.quotegarden.com