Happy Friday! Memorial Day weekend marks the unofficial start of summer. That means many of you will spend some time in the car this weekend. So, here are some tips to help you pass the time as the miles roll along.

Enjoy!

Fun Things to Do While Driving (These should only be attempted by professional drivers on a closed course).

1. Have a friend ride in the back seat. Gagged.

2. Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Headbang.

3. Wear snorkel gear and hang fish around from the ceiling.

 4. Two words: Chicken suit.

5. Write the words “Help me” on your back window in red paint. The more it looks like blood, the better.

6. Pay the toll for the car behind you. Watch in rearview mirror as toll collector tries to explain to next driver.

7. Put a puppet on your driving hand and have him hold the wheel. Let the puppet talk to people when you’re at a stop light.

8. Roll down your window and yell “Moo!” when passing cows.

9. Roll down your window and yell at children reminding them to brush their teeth before going to bed.

10. Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out your window or sunroof. Feel free to make it dance.

11. At stop lights, make lizard faces at small children in the back seat of the car in front of you.

12. Put your arms down the legs of an extra pair of trousers, put sneakers on your hands, and lean the seat back as you drive.

 13. At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a look of fear, suddenly lock your doors.

14. Honk frequently without motivation, especially when passing houses out in the country.

15. Wave at people often, especially when passing houses out in the county. If they wave back, offer an offended and angry look.

16. Hang fifty car-fresheners on the rear-view mirror.

17. Lob burning things in the windows of smokers who throw their cigarette butts out the window.

18. Keep at least five cats in the car.

 19. Squeegee your windshield at every stop.

 20. Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when driving alone.

21. Stop and take pictures of road kill

22. Stop and collect road kill.

23. Stop and cook road kill.

24. Drive off an exit ramp and ask for directions to the town you’re in. When they tell you you’re there, look confused, glance at your map, laugh, and exclaim, “Oh! wrong state!”

25. If listening to the beginning of a baseball game, be sure to stand during the National Anthem.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“I went to court for a parking ticket. I pleaded insanity. I said, Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?” ~ Steven Wright

Happy Friday!  It has felt like summer this week and when it feels like summer it gets one thinking about vacation. So pack your bag for laughs.

Enjoy!

I didn’t realize how bad of a driver I was until my Tom Tom said, “In 1000 feet, do a slight right, stop, and let me out.”

I had to tell my suitcases there will be no vacation this summer. Now I’m dealing with emotional baggage.

I read a story about a pilot who decided to cook whilst flying? It was a recipe for disaster.

I tried to sue the airline for misplacing my luggage, unfortunately I lost my case.

I may not travel much, but I wonder how many miles I’ve scrolled with my thumb.

For Christmas, I bought my wife a world map and gave her a dart. I told her to throw it and wherever it lands, we will go on vacation this summer.  Looks like we are spending two weeks behind the refrigerator.

Looks like I will have to cancel my vacation, I developed a rash and my dermatologist told me to apply the medication locally.

I once took a trip to a ski resort.  It started off well, but things went downhill really fast.

I heard that photons do not take suitcases on vacation because they travel light.

What did the llama say before his vacation?  Alpaca bag.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

 “Babies don’t need a vacation but I still see them at the beach. I’ll go over to them and say, ‘What are you doing here, you’ve never worked a day in your life!’” ~Stephen Wright