Monthly Archives: July 2015

Friday Funny July 31, 2015 Farm Grown Jokes

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Happy Friday!  Driving around lately I have noticed how tall the corn has gotten and that reminded me of all the hard-working farmers out there who provide the food we enjoy everyday.  So, in their honor, here are a few farmer related jokes.

Enjoy!

Politicians Accident

A bus filled with politicians was going driving down a country road one afternoon, when all of a sudden, a tire blew out causing the bus to run off the road and crash into a large tree in an old farmer’s field.

Seeing what happened, the old farmer went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.

A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer, “Were they all dead?”

The old farmer replied, “Well, some of them said they weren’t, but you know how them politicians lie.”

A Talking Cow

A man’s car stalled on a country road one morning. When the man got out to fix it, a cow came along and stopped beside him. “Your trouble is probably in the carburetor,” said the cow.

Startled, the man jumped back and ran down the road until he met a farmer. The amazed man told the farmer his story.

“Was it a large red cow with a brown spot over the right eye?” asked the farmer. “Yes, yes,” the man replied.

“That would be Bessie,” said the farmer. “I wouldn’t listen to her, she doesn’t know a thing about cars.”

Tragic Farm Accident

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride.

While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmer’s mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. 

At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer; however, he would shake his head no, and mumble a reply.

Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.

The farmer replied, “The women would say, ‘What a terrible tragedy’ and I would nod my head and say, ‘Yes, it was.’ The men would ask, ‘Can I borrow that mule?’ and I would shake my head and say, ‘Can’t. It’s all booked up for a year.'”

Thought for the Week

It is not easy to walk alone in the country without musing upon something.  ~Charles Dickens

http://www.quotegarden.com

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Giving It Your Best Effort

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I have my share of pet peeves, my wife would probably say that I have much more than my share, but that is beside the point I wish to make here.  I have heard many different times from a variety of angles people talking about how they “always” give 110%.  

There are only two things wrong with this claim: 1) it is not possible “always” give your maximum effort and, 2) is mathematically impossible to give more than 100%.

If one gives everything one can, uses every ounce of effort available, one might,for a very brief spurt, be able to give 100%.  Perhaps if I run 50 yards, I might be able to run at 100% of my ability, however limited that might be, for the full 50 yards.  But if I am running a marathon, I cannot run the entire 26.2 miles at 100% effort.  I may very well give it my best effort and do everything I can to finish the race in the best possible time for me.  But if I try to give it my maximum effort from the start, I will be sitting and panting before the first mile marker.

If I ran as fast and as hard as I can, I will be running at 100% of my ability.  I simply cannot run at 101% of my ability or 102% or 110% percent of my ability.  The person who says that they are giving 110% is telling you that they are doing 10% than it is possible for them to do.  That, simply makes no sense.

Just once I would like to hear the person doing one of these interviews whether it is with an athlete, an entertainer, a politician, or a businessman follow-up that claim with the following question:  “That is very interesting, would you please explain how you can consistently give more effort than you are, by definition, capable of doing?”

Friday Funny July 24, 2015 Coming Soon to a Theater Near You!

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lgs

Happy Friday!  Seems like there are a lot of exciting movies hitting the theaters lately.  Here is one you might not have heard about.

Enjoy!

It seems like superhero movies are all the rage the days with Spider-man, Fantastic Four and now even Ant-man.  Word is that Steven Spielberg has decided to do an action movie with a unique twist.  He has plans to make full-blown action movie full of guns, explosions, and heart pounding action based on the lives of famous classical composers. Of course, if he wants this movie to be a hit he’s going to need some big names from action movies. 

First he called Steven Seagal.  He told him the idea, told Seagal that he wanted him in it. Spielberg asked him which composer he would like to play.  Without hesitation he answers: “Well, I like tough guys! I wanna be a tough guy, and I think Beethoven is a tough guy! I’ll be Beethoven.”  Spielberg tells him that is great and he will get a contract to his agent.

Next Spielberg calls Sylvester Stallone.  He tells him that he is making an action movie about the classical composers.  He tells Stallone that he wants him to be in it and asks which composer he would want to play.  After a short pause, Sly answers: “Yo, I’ve always been kind of partial to Mozart. I like his style. I’ll be Mozart.”  Spielberg tells him that is great and he will get a contract to his agent.

Next Spielberg calls, Arnold Schwarzenegger. He tells him that he is making an action movie about the classical composers. He tells Arnold that he wants him to be in it and asks which composer he would want to play. After a long thoughtful silence,  Schwarzenegger replies: “I’ll be Bach”.

Thought for the Week

It’s not who I am underneath but what I do that defines me.~ Batman (Batman Begins)

Friday Funny July 17, 2015 Cannibal Jokes (I Know These Are Rather Tasteless)

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SanDiego2010 006

After another long week in the midst of a dog eat dog world you need a laugh to start your Friday. So, here are a few cannibal jokes. Just remember that it is difficult to find tasteful cannibal jokes and once you find them it takes a lot of guts to tell them. So, for this week only – your fill of cannibal jokes.

Enjoy!

Did you hear the one about the missionary who was sent to the cannibal
tribe to give them a taste of religion?

Why did the young cannibal get expelled from school? They caught him
buttering up the teacher!

What happened at the cannibal’s wedding party? They toasted the bride
and groom!

What did the cannibal get when he was late for dinner? The cold
shoulder.

Did you hear about the cannibal who loved fast food? He ordered a pizza
with everybody on it.

Two cannibals were eating dinner. One said, “I really hate my sister.”
The other said, “Well just eat the noodles then.”

A cannibal is a man who loves his neighbors, with gravy, that is.

What is a cannibal’s favorite game? Swallow the leader.

Did you hear about the down and out cannibal? He was looking for someone to give him a helping hand.

First Cannibal: Who was that lady l I saw you with last night? Second Cannibal: That was no lady, that was my supper.

Why did the cannibal eat the tightrope walker? He wanted a well-balanced meal.

What happened to the cannibal lion? He had to swallow his pride.

And, of course you know why cannibals don’t eat clowns – They taste funny!!

Two clowns are eating a cannibal, one turns to the other and says, “I think we’re doing this joke wrong…”

Thought for the Week

Well done is better than well said. ~Benjamin Franklin

Differences Between Men and Women #14 Color

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Some recent painting at my house has brought to mind another of the myriad of differences between men and women.  So let’s talk about color.

We all learned in elementary school that there are three primary colors: red, yellow and blue.  After we mastered that concept we moved onto the color spectrum with the mnemonic of “Roy G. Biv”  to help us remember red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo and violet.  

As a child I remember coloring and drawing with the crayons from an eight pack of Crayola crayons that, since 1903, has consisted of red, yellow, blue, green, orange, brown, violet (purple) and black.  In reality, those eight colors were enough.  I remember wanting the larger box of crayons, especially the 64 pack with the nifty built-in sharpener.  But even when I had the bigger box, I pretty much stuck to the basic eight.  

Pretty much all the colors a man needs are included in that box of eight crayons.  If you are talking about painting a wall, a man does not even need all eight.  Add white to the list and knock off red, yellow, orange, violet and black.  That leaves you with white, blue, green and brown.  If you are talking to a man about painting an interior wall, it will come to deciding between those four colors.  Simple, right?

Unfortunately, it is not as simple as it would appear.   Apparently not all people (i.e. women) are not content to choose between four, or eight, or even sixty-four colors.  Someone decided to add shade after shade after shade and name each and every one.  Did you know that Sherwin-Williams has over 1,500 paint colors? 1,500!!

While a woman may appreciate the nuances between white, antique white and eggshell.  A man will see white, not so white and white with some brown (his mind will pretty much operate within the parameters of the four colors mentioned above).  So, my wife, after much consideration and consternation decided on painting our bathroom Malaysian Mist.  I think the bathroom looks nice painted blue.

Friday Funny July 10, 2015 A Baker’s Dozen of Baseball Riddles

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baseball

Happy Friday!  The city of Cincinnati is all decked out and ready for the All-Star Game next week.  So, let’s kick off this Friday with a few, rather lame, baseball riddles.

Enjoy!

Why did the baseball player shut down his website?
He wasn’t getting any hits!

Why are most baseball games played at night?
Because bats sleep during the day!

Why are frogs good baseball players?
Because they know how to catch flies!

Why was Cinderella kicked out of the baseball game?
She ran away from the ball!

Why did the policeman go to the baseball game?
Because he heard someone had stolen a base!

What did the baseball mitt say to the ball?
Catch you later!

Why do girls like baseball?
It is the only sport played on a diamond!

Why did the baseball team hire Betty Crocker?
Because they needed a better batter!

Where does the catcher sit for dinner?
Behind the plate!

Why are some umpires fat?
They always clean their plate! 

How do baseball players keep in touch?
They touch base every once in a while!

What do you get when you cross a baseball pitcher with a carpet?
A throw rug!

When should baseball players wear armor?
When they play knight games!
 

Thought for the Week

“Things could be worse. Suppose your errors were counted and published every day, like those of a baseball player.” – Unknown

Diets You Probably Want to Skip

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diet-water

It seems like every week there is a new diet out there of one kind or another.  I am not a diet expert nor am I am medical doctor, but I think you might want to stay away from the following diet strategies.

Move Out of the Swamp – In the early 1700’s, Thomas Short wrote a treatise called “The Causes and Effects of Corpulence,” in which he observed that heavier people tended to live near swamps. His simple diet was one step – move out of the swamp.  While this proved a fairly easy diet to follow, the move out of the swamp did not lead to significant weight loss.

Liquefied Diet – About one hundred years ago, Horace Fletcher stumbled upon the idea of chewing your food until it became liquefied before swallowing. Fletcher took this diet to extremes, arguing any food that doesn’t liquefy shouldn’t be consumed. While this might work for a number of foods, there are some that just will not cooperate, like fiber.

The Cigarette Diet – It’s hard to imagine that smoking cigarettes would ever been seen as promoting good health, but in another day and age, they did just that.  Close to a hundred years ago, several cigarette companies boasted the appetite-suppressing qualities of their products.  One ad for Lucky Strikes urged smokers to “Light a Lucky and you’ll never miss sweets that make you fat.”  Of course they neglected to mention you will not miss sweets because you will not be able to taste anything.

Slimming Soap – “I’m gonna wash that fat right out of my hair.”  Although it obviously sounds too good to be true (but then what diet ad doesn’t?), slimming soaps had women rushing for the bathtub in the 1930’s. With catchy names like “Fatoff,” “Fat-O-NO” and “La-Mar Reducing Soap” these products urged users to lather up to slim down.  However, I can just imagine the conversation:”Gee you smell nice today.”  “Why thank you, it must be the Fat-O-No I just showered with.”

Tapeworm Diet – In the 1950’s people learned that tapeworms cause weight-loss in their hosts.  Seizing a great marketing opportunity, people jumped on the tapeworm train and started ingesting baby tapeworms in order to eat without gaining a pound. However, those jumping on the train did not realize that those not-so-cute baby tapeworms could grow up to 25 feet long in the intestine.

The Prolinn Diet – In the 1970s, Roger Linn, MD, advocated eating nothing at all.  Well, not quite “nothing” there was the “miracle” liquid which, of course, he developed.  He humbly called his miracle liquid “Prolinn”. What was in this miracle diet liquid?  Prolinn consisted of ground animal horns, hooves, hides, tendons, bones and other slaughterhouse byproducts that were enhanced with artificial flavors, colors and enzymes to break them down. I understand how appealing this might sound to you; however, the daily allotment of Prolinn provided only 400 calories, and zero nutrients.  I guess one would lose weight if one stuck to this. It makes Slimfast sound decadent, doesn’t it?

Air Diet – The genius of this one is its simplicity and its cost.  No programs to attend, no food to buy, no counting of calories, just pretend to eat.  Feel free to load up your plate, grab a fork and knife, and bring real food up to your mouth, just don’t actually eat it. Mimicking the act of eating will, supposedly, make you feel satisfied. The good news is that you are allowed to eat unlimited amounts of water “soup”. The wonderful soup is also quite easy to make (the only ingredients are water and salt).  This is great because you will not waste a lot of time and effort as you whip up a hot, steaming bowl of NOTHING.

Good luck in your search for the perfect diet.  As for me, there is a Sundae Cone calling my name at the moment.

Friday Funny July 3, 2015 Then Some Other Stuff Happened

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Happy Friday and Happy 4th of July!  To help you get you in the mood to celebrate the birthday of the USA, I dusted off an old Scholastic book, circa 1970 purchased for the grand sum $0.60.  (I see it is selling on the internet for a lot more than $0.60 these days) The book was edited by Bill Lawrence, an eighth grade history teacher who complied some of his favorite excepts from his students.  Here is an excerpt about The Revolutionary War.

Enjoy!

TAXACATION WITHOUT REPRESENGTON

At first the British decided they could tax us with stamps.  They told us we had to put stamps on things like legal papers, lead and paint, glass, tea, and the Bill of Rights.  We didn’t appreciate this of course.

James Otis said, “All men are created equal, and taxacation without represengton is tyranny. (Tyranny is something that the people have no voice in.) If this be treason then let’s fight like treasons!”

James Otis played an important part in the war against the British and the Americans. He fought hard against the writs of assistance.  The writ was a place where they had all the bad people in.  They was very bad people who was in there.

Otis predicted that he would be stroked by lightning someday.  He always said he hoped God would take him out in a hurry.  He said, “When I die, by God, I hope I get stroked by lightning.”  Sure enough he did, and he lost his mind.

Patrick Henry was always quoting famous too.  He was always going around quoting, “Give me liberty or give me death!” Somebody should have give it to him.

Thomas Pain, an outspoken newspaper boy, wrote something called “Common Sense,” but I’m not sure what it was all about.  All I can say is Common Sense is something a person had who doesn’t do silly things.  I don’t have Common Sense for writing this.

Thought for the Week

Then join hand in hand, brave Americans all!
By uniting we stand, by dividing we fall.
~John Dickinson

http://www.quotegarden.com