Monthly Archives: July 2014

Friday Funny August 1, 2014 With Your Second Cup

coffee

I admit that I like coffee and there is seldom a day that goes by that I do not have coffee.  I do try to show some restraint and limit my coffee drinking to two times a day….AM and PM.  Yet there is more to coffee than just the little “pick me up” it provides, if you think about it, coffee teaches us a lot about life.  For example it reminds one to expresso yourself, to stay grounded, to slow down and take life one cup at a time, to pause and take time to smell the coffee and it reminds us that it is always better latte than never.  So this Friday morning as you sip on that second or third or fourth cup of coffee, here is a little coffee humor to stir up your morning.

Enjoy!

Leonard

Procaffinating – the tendency to not start anything until you’ve had a cup of coffee.

Behind every successful man or woman is a substantial amount of coffee. 

Stealing someone’s coffee is called ‘mugging’.

Drinking too much coffee can cause a latte problems.

The coffee tasted like mud because it was ground a couple of minutes ago.

Selling coffee has its perks for those who have bean so lucky.

Q: What is best Beatles song? A: Latte Be!

Q: What do you call sad coffee?” A: Despresso. 

Q: What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic? A: Sanka 

A man went to his psychiatrist and said, “Every time I drink my coffee, I get a stabbing pain in my right eye,” The doctor thought for a moment and asked, “do you take the spoon out of the cup?” 

A guy walks into a coffee shop and asks the waitress: “How much is the coffee?” “Coffee is four dollars the waitress says”. “How much is a refill?” the man asks. “Free, “says the waitress.”Then I’ll take a refill!” the man responds. 

 Signs that you are drinking too much coffee (like that could ever happen):

You chew on other people’s fingernails.

You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.

You short out motion detectors.

Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.

You help your dog chase its tail.

All your kids are named “Joe”.

You name your cats “Cream” and “Sugar.”

You can jump-start your car without cables.

You walk ten miles on your treadmill before you realize it’s not plugged in.

You channel surf faster without a remote.

You can outlast the Energizer bunny.

Your doctor tells you, your blood type is COFFEE.

The only time you’re standing still is during an earthquake.

Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

You answer the door before people knock.

Your morning cup of Coffee is so strong it wakes up the neighbors!

You look at energy drinks and laugh.

Thought for the Week

“When life gives you lemons, trade them for coffee;” ~ Mr. Coffee

 

 

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Clowns to the Left of Me

clown

I came across a story about a woman in New Jersey who, upon finishing a performance at a clown show, managed to crash her car into a utility pole.  fortunately for her some of the other clowns who were leaving the same performance saw her dilemma and came to her aid.  Apparently the accident was caused by the woman “reaching for a GPS device that fell off the windshield when she veered off the road.”   My first thought was that it seems to me like maybe the “veering off the road” might have played some part in th accident in the first place.  But a story like this raises a number of questions like:

Were there a dozen or more other clowns in the car with her?

Was the clown who was driving wearing her clown shoes while driving and did that contribute to the situation?

Did she injure her funny bone?

Was she juggling several GPS devices at the time of the accident?

Did the airbag deploy or did the big red nose provide enough of a cushion?

Were any of the police officers who responded to the scene squirted with water from flowers worn by the clowns?

Did the police officers leave with a variety of balloon animals?

If the police had to taser any of the clowns, would he or she make a funny a face?

 

 

Friday Funny July 25, 2014 Men Vs. Women

llINESPHOTO

 

Happy Friday!  This week I wanted to share something that has been circulating on the internet for quite some time that helps to answer that age-old question, “What is the difference between men and women?”

Enjoy!

NICKNAMES
If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.

If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.  

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20, even though it’s only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t want.

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, deodorant, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and one white towel. 

The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify 331 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

CATS
Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren’t looking, men kick cats.

FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change and she does.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals, maybe.

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK 

 “A man’s face is his autobiography. A woman’s face is her work of fiction.” ― Oscar Wilde

 

This is News?

peanut_butter

I was watching the news this evening.  As they went to a commercial break, the teaser for the story after the break was about how your kid’s lunch might cost less this fall.  My boys are all past school age these days, but I am an accountant and I like to eat, so I wanted to hear this story.

So I waited through the commercial break, here is the big news, you might want to sit down for this, the cost of a jar of peanut butter is down 3.8% from the same time a year ago!  I imagine you are almost as excited as I was at this news.  Wait there is more, jelly is also down 0.7% from the last year and white bread is down 2.8% from last year.  Now I do enjoy the occasional PB&J (grilled sometimes, but I covered that in an earlier blog) and I do like to save money, but I found myself asking the question, “so, what does that really mean?”

Being an accountant, I had to try to quantify this information.  First I consulted my wonderful wife who has a degree in home economics.  Here are some rule of thumb numbers she provided, they are not exact, but will prove a point.  Let’s make the following assumptions: 1) a jar of peanut butter currently costs about $3 and will provide a dozen peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, 2) a jar of jelly currently costs $3 and will provide for 18 peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, and 3) a loaf of white sandwich bread costs $2 and will provide for a dozen sandwiches.

The same story also goes onto say that the average child will eat 1,500 sandwiches before graduating from high school.  If we assume the child begins eating PB&J sandwiches in kindergarten, then he or she would eat approximately 115 sandwiches a year for 13 years.

So, now comes the fun part, well for a nerdy accountant like me, the fun part.  First we take 115 (the number of PB&J sandwhiches a child will eat over the course of the next year) and divide by how many sandwiches a jar/ loaf will produce and we estimate that we will need 9.58 jars of peanut butter, 6.39 jars of jelly and 9.58 loaves of bread.  Next we take the current price of each item, divide by 1 less the decrease over the last twelve months to arrive at the price last year, then we subtract this year’s price from last year’s price to determine the price difference and then we multiple the price difference by the number needed for each item (yes I used a spreadsheet and yes have been told that I am a nerd – often by the aforementioned home economics major).

The final result of this calculation tells me that, given current prices compared to prices last year, for peanut butter and jelly sandwiches eaten by a child over the course of the coming twelve months, I can expect to save $1.70.  Yes one dollar and seventy cents!! The next problem will be deciding how to invest this  exorbitant windfall! 

And I waited through a commercial break for this!  The economy may still be in the dumps, I may be paying an arm and a leg for gas, the Middle East is a powder keg, but no worries, the average person can save $1.70 the next year on peanut butter and jelly sandwiches or about a cent and a half per sandwich.

I feel so much better, don’t you?

 

Friday Funny July 17, 2014 An Assortment of Jokes

llINESPHOTO

Congratulations!  You have made it though another week.  Here are a few jokes to hopefully give you smile as this work week comes to a close.

Enjoy!

Leonard

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there. 

I told my friend that she drew her eyebrows on too high.  She looked surprised.

What’s red and bad for your teeth? A brick.

The urge to sing ‘The Lion Sleeps Tonight’ is never more than a whim away.

What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta

Two parrots were sitting on a perch. One says to the other, ‘Can you smell fish?

When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking.  And then I saw her face.

Have you ever started to eat a horse and then realised that you weren’t that hungry after all?

What do you call a dog who can do magic?  A Labracadabrador.

A blonde and her husband were watching the evening news together when the anchor announced, “In international news, there was a disaster near Rio de Janeiro today when five Brazilian men died in a skydiving accident.”  With that the blonde burst into tears, and her husband tried unsuccessfully to comfort her. “They were participating on a risky sport, and they knew the dangers,” he said. Through her tears, the blonde woman said “But that’s just so terrible! How many is a Brazilian?”

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking places. ~Author Unknown

 

IF SHAKESPEARE HAD TO TEXT

shakespeare

A orse, a orse! My kngdm 4 a orse!

2B or nt 2 B, dats Q

dis abov ll: 2 thine own self B tru

F?, Romans, countrymen, lend me yr ears; I cum 2 bury Caesar, nt 2 kudos him

What’s ina nme? dat wich we cll @>–>– By Ny oder nme w%d smel as swEt.

d ldy doth protest 2 mch, methinks

ll d world’s a stage, n ll d men n women merely playAs; they’ve their exits n theirentrances, n 1man n hs tym plays mnE parts

 

der r mor fings n heaven n erth, Horatio, thN r dremt of n yr ethos

gud nyt, gud partin S such swEt sorrw

Now S d wintr of r discontent

somit S rotten n d st8 of Denmark.

ll dat glisters aint Au

w@ lyt thru yonDr windO breaks

w@ fools deez mortals B!

dis wz d most unkindest cut of ll

2 zzz, perchance 2 dream- ay, there’s d rub

w’r such stuf As drms r md on; n r lil lyf S rounded W a zzz.

lov l%ks nt W d Iyz bt W d mind

Cowards di mnE tyms b4 their deaths, d valiant nvr taste of deth bt 1s

Im constant as d northin (*)

Translated into Plain English

A horse, a horse! My kingdom for a horse! – Richard The Third

To be or not to be, that is question – Hamlet

This above all: to thine own self be true – Hamlet

Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears; I come to bury Caesar, not to praise him. – Julius Caesar

What’s in a name? That which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet. – Romeo and Juliet

The lady doth protest too much, methinks.- Hamlet

All the world’s a stage,
And all the men and women merely players;
They have their exits and their entrances,
And one man in his time plays many parts, – As You Like It

There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio,
Than are dreamt of in your philosophy. Hamlet
Good night, good night! Parting is such sweet sorrow- Romeo And Juliet

Now is the winter of our discontent – Richard The Third

Something is rotten in the state of Denmark – Hamlet

All that glitters is not gold – The Merchant of Venice

What light through yonder window breaks – Romeo And Juliet

What fools these mortals be! – A Midsummer Nights Dream

This was the most unkindest cut of all – Julius Caesar

To sleep, perchance to dream-ay, there’s the rub. – Hamlet

We are such stuff
As dreams are made on; and our little life
Is rounded with a sleep. – The Tempest

Love looks not with the eyes but with the mind. – A Midsummer Night’s Dream

Cowards die many times before their deaths,
The valiant never taste of death but once. – Julius Caesar

I am constant as the northern star – Julius Caesar

Friday Funny July 11, 2014 How to Give Your Cat and/or Dog a Pill

llINESPHOTO

 

This one has been making the rounds on the internet for years, but it still makes me laugh.

Enjoy!

How To Give Your Cat A Pill

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to
close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink large soda to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply
cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply antiseptic compress to cheek to disinfect. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little vermin’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way
home to order new table.

15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from Hades and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL

1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss it in the air.
3. Enjoy the rest of your day.
Thought for the Weekend

In order to keep a true perspective of one’s importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him. ~Dereke Bruce

http://www.quotegarden.com