Monthly Archives: July 2017

Friday Funny July 28, 2017 More Elephant Jokes

Happy Friday!  Another work week is winding down. So, here is a baker’s dozen of elephant jokes to brighten your day.  I know you will groan, but I bet you will tell at least one of them to someone today!

Enjoy!

Q: What do you call an elephant that rides a bus?
A: A passenger.

Q: Why don’t African elephants like to play cards?
A: Because of all the cheetahs.

Q: What kind of elephants live at the North Pole?
A: Cold ones.

Q: How do elephants talk to each other?
A: By ’elephone.

Q: Where do you find elephants?
A: It depends on where you left them.

Q: Why don’t elephants ride bicycles?
A: They don’t have thumbs to ring the bell.

Q: What weighs 5,000 pounds and wears glass slippers?
A: Cinderelephant!

Q: What did the cat say to the elephant?
A: “Meow!”

Q: How many elephants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Don’t be silly, elephants can’t change light bulbs!

Q: What do you know when you see three elephants walking down the street wearing red sweatshirts?
A: They’re all on the same team.

Q: How do you fit 5 elephants in a Volkswagen Beetle?
A: Two in the front, two in the back, and one in the glove compartment.

Q: What do you give a seasick elephant?
A: Lots of room.

Q: What do elephants do for laughs?
A: They tell people jokes.

Thought for the Week

“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas.  How he got into my pajamas, I’ll never know” ~ Groucho Marx

 

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Friday Funny July 21, 2017 Tips for Staying Cool

Happy Friday!  We are definitely in the midst of summer.  The days are long and hot! Here a few tips you might want to try to help you beat the heat this weekend.

Enjoy!

Wear lighter color clothes, preferable made of cotton – try picking out your clothes before you go to bed and put them in the refrigerator over night.

If your feet are hot, your feel hot all over – so when you pick out your socks, put them in the freezer overnight.

While you are in the freezer, grab an ice tray and some food coloring and make some festive ice cubes.  In the morning when yo are pulling your socks out, make an ice-cube necklace or bracelet.  This is a great and cool way to accessorize your summer look.

Make a trip to the grocery store.  Most likely they are air-conditioned, so you can cool off as you shop.  If you are lucky you can find a fairly empty freezer in one of the aisles that will be empty enough for you to lie down in and take a quick, cool nap before management escorts you out of the store,

On your way out of the grocery be sure to pick up some frozen dinners.  It is too hot to cook.  If you like your food extra cool and crispy skip the over and the microwave and just eat the dinner frozen.  

Another item to pick up on your way out of the grocery is some dry ice.  This is perfect for a quick cool down for that hot cup of coffee.  As an added bonus, you drop just a little bit into your cup at work and it will look like steam rising from you coffee.  You can walk away from your office for hours and everyone who comes looking for you will think, “gee I just missed him/her because he/she just stepped away from a hot cup of coffee.”

Bring a sprinkler with you to the office.  It will cool everyone down and build camaraderie at the same time.  You might want to cover your computer with plastic first.

Remember as a kid how you loved a good water balloon fight to cool you down?  Take it the next level and leave the water balloons in the freezer overnight

Rent a Zamboni and get a nice layer of ice down on your driveway.  Slide, skate, just sit down on it or start-up a neighborhood hockey game.

Finally here is a great two-step process for a cool nights sleep.  First find that old water bed mattress that is gathering dust in the attic, then rent an Icee machine,  Fill the water-bed full of Icee and a cool, refreshing night awaits.

Thought for the Week

Then followed that beautiful season… Summer….
Filled was the air with a dreamy and magical light; and the landscape
Lay as if new created in all the freshness of childhood.
~Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

http://www.quotegarden.com

Friday Funny July 14, 2017 Frightfully Busy

Happy Friday!  It is amazing how quickly another week rolls around.  It seems like each week is busier and passes quicker than the previous week.  Sometimes I feel like I am as ………

Enjoy!

I feel like I am as busy as…..

a one-armed paperhanger with a case of the hives.

a one-eyed cat watching nine rat holes.

a one-legged man on Dancing With The Stars.

a one-toothed man in a corn-on-the-cob eating contest.

a termite in a saw mill.

a one-armed trombone player.

a Kardashian with a new camera phone

a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs

a cross-eyed air traffic controller

a claustrophobic mime trapped in an imaginary box

a dentist at a candy convention

a Turkey farmer the week of Thanksgiving

a grocery store just before a snowstorm

a relief pitcher for the Cincinnati Reds

a Cleveland Browns quarterback under a full blitz

an elf on Christmas Eve

an accountant without a pencil

Thought for the Week

“I wanted to figure out why I was so busy, but I couldn’t find the time to do it.” 
― Todd Stocker

Friday Funny July 7, 2017 Pirate Jokes

Happy Friday!  I hope you had a great 4th of July.  This week it just seemed like a good time for some pirate jokes.

Enjoy!

Why did the pirate become such a good boxer?
He had a great right hook.

What do you call a pirate with two eyes, two hands and two legs?
A beginner.

How do pirates know that they are pirates?
They think so, therefore they arrr.

Why do pirates carry a bar of soap at all times?
In case of shipwreck it will wash him ashore.

How did the pirate get his Jolly Roger so cheaply?
He bought it on sail.

How much do pirates pay for piercings?
A buck-an-ear.

Why couldn’t the pirate play cards?                                                                                                  Because he was sitting on the deck.

What is a pirate’s favorite kind of cookie?
Ships Ahoy!

Where did the  one-legged pirate go for breakfast?
IHOP.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.

To err is human.   To arr is definitely pirate.

Thought for the Week

One day, someone showed me a glass of water that was half full. And he said, “Is it half full or half empty?” So I drank the water. No more problem. ~Alexander Jodorowsky

http://www.quotegarden.com