Monthly Archives: February 2018

Friday Funny February 23, 2018 The Return of the Joke Master

Happy Friday!  I hope you have had a good week.  Mine has been pretty hectic.  Being a bit pressed for time I pulled out the handy, dandy Joke Master to quickly find a dozen jokes chosen especially for you.

Enjoy!

A vulture board an airplane carrying two dead raccoons.  The stewardess looks at him and says, “I’m sorry sir, but only one carrion per passenger is allowed.

How did the butcher introduce his wife?  Meet Patti!

I married my wife for her looks, but not the ones she’s been giving me lately.

If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t more people happy?

I finally got my head together and my body fell apart.

Entropy isn’t what it used to be.

Did you hear about the man who fell into an upholstery machine?  I hear he is fully recovered now.

A truck carry copies of Roger’s Thesaurus overturned on the interstate this week.  The newspaper reported witnesses as “stunned, overwhelmed, astonished, bewildered and dumbfounded.” 

Would you call a Viking with a pocket protector a Nerdic?

The other day I put my wrists in front of my eyes. I now have carpal tunnel vision syndrome.

There is an old proverb that says basically anything you want it to.

Deja Fu – that strange feeling that somehow, somewhere, you have been kicked in the head like this before.

Thought for the Week

Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not; a sense of humor to console him for what he is.  ~Francis Bacon

http://www.quotegarden.com

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Friday Funny February 16, 2017 Valentine Dream

Happy Friday!  You have survived another Valentines Day!  I know I am a couple of days late with Valentine Jokes, but they were 50% off.

Enjoy!

After she woke up, a woman told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond necklace for Valentine’s day. What do you think it means?”

“You’ll know tonight.” he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.
Delighted, she opened it – to find a book entitled “The Meaning of Dreams.”

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I asked my friend if he’d bought his wife a gift for Valentine’s Day. 

He’s a bit of a chauvinist pig so he surprised me when he replied, “Yeah, I’ve got her a belt and a bag.”

I said, “That’s very thoughtful of you. I hope she appreciates it.”

He said, “So do I. And hopefully the vacuum cleaner will work much better now.”    

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My wife just sent me a text saying, “I’ve just got you the best Valentine’s Day present ever! xox”

I really hope she misspelled “Xbox”.


Thought for the Week

“The heart has its reasons that reason does not know. “~ Pascal


Friday Funny February 9, 2018 More One-Liners

Happy Friday!  Here are some quick one-liners chosen especially for you.

Enjoy!

My IQ came back negative.

Never trust a dog to watch your food.

Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I know I do.

You take away the looks, money, intelligence, charm and success and, really, there’s no real difference between me and George Clooney.

I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.

I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.

My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline; boy did she hit the roof.

I just burned 2,000 calories. Guess that is what I get for leaving brownies in the oven while I nap.

eBay is so useless. I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 13,749 matches.

My friend asked me to describe myself in 3 words… “Lazy.”

What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle? A tire.

A cop just knocked on my door and told me that my dogs were chasing people on bikes. I just laughed, my dogs don’t even own bikes.

My wife asked me to pass her the Chapstick and I accidentally passed her the Glue Stick. She still hasn’t talked to me.

Thought for the Week

Laughter is the sun that drives winter from the human face. ~Victor Hugo

http://www.quotegarden.com

Friday Funny February 2, 2018 If Life Gives You Lemons

Happy Friday! We have made it through the dark and cold days of January.  There is hope there is optimism still!  It is one of those “if life gives you lemons” moments when we look beyond the current circumstances to the possibilities that may be around the comer.  So, let’s figure out what we can do with those lemons.

Enjoy!

If life gives you lemons, make tasty lemon squares

If life gives you lemons, sell them on ebay

If life gives you lemons, learn to love lemons

If life gives you lemons, make homemade dish detergent

If life gives you lemons, ask for more, plant trees become a lemon farmer, corner the lemon market, become a lemon mogul!

If life gives you lemons, go for the zest

If life gives you lemons make grape juice and leave everyone wondering how you did it

If life gives you lemons, construct a crude electrochemical battery

If life gives you lemons, freeze them and throw them at people

If life gives you lemons, squirt them in people’s eyes

If life gives you lemons, wait, life doesn’t just “give” you anything, you have to earn your lemons just like I did when I was your age

If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic

If life gives you lemonade, don’t try to make lemons.

If life gives you scurvy, make lemonade

It can be said of optimism that while sometimes mistaken, it is never sadly mistaken. ~Robert Brault, rbrault.blogspot.com