Monthly Archives: February 2017

It is in the Bag

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I came across a news story on the internet about a college student in Ohio who recently claimed the title of the top grocery bagger in the country.  He reached this pinnacle of his bagging career after claiming two consecutive Ohio state titles as top bagger.

It came as news to me that there are state and national championships in grocery bagging.  According to the story, the national championships were held in Las Vegas and the winner walked away with a $10,000 prize.  I suppose as the old saying goes, anything worth doing really is worth doing well and apparently if you can do something really well, you can get rewarded really well for doing it.  

I wonder how he gained his expertise as a championship bagger?  Did his parents teach him?  Did he start at a young age?  Are there pee-wee bagger leagues where a young bagging protegé can hone his bagging skills?  Perhaps there are even select traveling bagging teams that travel the country competing in bagging contests. 

I heard that after he received his check and bagging trophy, he was asked the ultimate bagging question, “Do you prefer paper or plastic?”  His reply was that he really could not choose between the two because, as we all know, baggers can’t be choosers.

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Friday Funny February 24, 2017 Jokes You Can Take to the Bank

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Happy Friday!  I remember as a kid, back before ATM’s and 24 hour banking, going with my Dad to the Bank on Friday afternoons so he could deposit his paycheck.  The times have changed and banking has changed.  I have spent the last twenty plus years in and around banks.  So, I thought I would make a little funny deposit to start off the weekend.

Enjoy!

A man visits his bank manager and says, “How do I start a small business?” The manager replies, “Start a large one and wait six months.”

A young lady had just transferred to a new bank branch and was starting her new job. The branch manager was quite fond of literature and very well read.  He asked the young lady, “Do you know William Shakespeare?”  The young lady quickly replied, “No. Which branch does he work at?”

Did you hear about the banker who counted his money with his toes because he did not want any to slip through his fingers?

Did you hear about the foolish fellow who over drew his bank account? It seems he had no cents.

How many bankers does it take to change a light bulb? Four. One to hold the bulb, and three to try to remember the combination.

There was a banker who went sailing with a friend and fell overboard.  The friend quickly grabbed a life-preserver.  He held it up, not knowing if the banker could swim, he shouted, “Can you float alone?”  “Obviously,” the banker replied, “but this is a heck of a time to talk business.”

Old bankers never die, they just lose interest.

Thought for the Week

“It’s no trick to make a lot of money, if all you want to do is make a lot of money.” ~Everett Sloane, Citizen Kane

A Very Strong Word

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I have said before that my Father is a patient man, he also is a rather quite man.  It seems like he has always been a man of few words – another trait which I apparently missed out on.  Even if you did manage to get my Dad a bit riled up,  the result was not a long diatribe.  

During World War II, my Dad traversed from the Aleutian Islands to the South Pacific as a sailor in the Navy; however, his language was never “salty.”   Yet there is one strong word in my Dad’s vocabulary.  A word that made very rare appearances in my childhood.  A word that would only come out on those very rare occasions when he was completely exasperated and at the end of his rope.   A one word interjection that let one know to tread very carefully.  That word is – “Thunderation!”

Dictionary.com defines “Thuderation” as  an exclamation of surprise or petulance.  (I am sure that I was the impetus of the petulance on many occasions.)  “Thunderation” is an Americanism that originated in the first half of the 19th century so perhaps this word was passed down to my Dad from his Father who learned it from his Father.  I appreciate my Dad’s soft spokenness and I appreciate that the strongest word I heard at home was “Thunderation.”

Unfortunately, “Thunderation” is not really part of my vocabulary.  Thanks to the example of my Dad there are a lot of other words that, thankfully, have never been part of my vocabulary.  I suppose that occasionally we all have need of an interjection and I have been known to occasionally shout “boogers!”, especially when hitting an infield pop-up in a softball game.

Friday Funny February 17, 2017 Always Proofread!

 

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Happy Friday! Occasionally we all get  in a hurry and miss something that we should have caught: a misspelled word, a misplaced or missing comma, or even the use of the wrong word.  Sometimes these go unnoticed, other times they are captured for posterity on signs and on the internet.  Here are some signage mistakes that slipped past the proof readers.

Enjoy!

Illegally Parked Cars will be Fine

Violators Will Be Towed and Find $50

Employees Must Wash There Hands Before Returning To Work

Executive Bored Room

Hunters Please Use Caution When Hunting Pedestrians Using Walk Trail

We Except Outside Prescriptions

50% Off Rapping Paper

Hotel Sign – We Remember All Who Have Served Hot Breakfast

No Smoking Aloud

Please Slow Drively

Today, the Dining Room Closed at 6:00pm.  Sorry for Your Incontinence

If Door Doesn’t Close Properly, Giggle the Doorknob

Thought for the Week

One day, someone showed me a glass of water that was half full. And he said, “Is it half full or half empty?” So I drank the water. No more problem. ~Alexander Jodorowsky

http://www.quotegarden.com

Ode To A Minivan

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This past weekend brought the end of era, the era of driving a minivan.  We purchased one minivan in 1994 and a second one in 2000.  Although minivans have never been cool, they are quite handy and versatile.  In many ways, I will miss having one.  So, here is my ode to a minivan.

ODE TO A MINIVAN

There was time not so long past

That with a minivan my lot I did cast

For twenty-three years I have gotten behind the wheel

Of two minivans, which I thought to be a good deal

They transported my family to games and vacations

Over the years, we crisscrossed a lot of the nation

Seven it could comfortable seat

A feature I found quite hard to beat

It was in a minivan my sons learned to drive

Some of my gray hair I owe to being their guide

You might even think me cruel

That I would force them to drive something so uncool

The noble minivan, often disparaged

Yet proved to be a quite dependable carriage.

 

Alas the years and the miles have taken their toll

But we always arrived at our destination, our goal

A door closed hard upon a little hand

While traversing to and fro over this land

A little boy sleeping tilted to one side

But through it all we survived

There were some trials, a few batteries dead

And tires with well-worn tread

Although over the years thou hast been diss’d

Alas poor minivan, thou wilt be missed

A scratch here and a ding there

But overall, like myself, not too worse off for the wear

Friday Funny February 10, 2017 Not So Sweet Nothings

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Happy Friday!  In case it has not occurred to you yet, February 14 is just a few days away! While you are out buying cards, candy and gifts, you might also be pondering some sweet nothings to whisper into that special someone’s ear.  Here are a few to cross off your list.

Enjoy!

I plan on being with you until forever ends or maybe opening day.

I saw you were perfect and I fell in love with you.  Then I saw that you were not perfect, so I changed my mind.

My thoughts are free to go anywhere, but it is surprising how often they head in your direction and then turn left.

You deserve the world, and I know I can’t give that to you, so I guess you will have to settle for less than you deserve.

Every time I look into your beautiful eyes, I literally fall for you again which explains these bruises on my face.

A while ago I wished upon a shooting star that one day I would maybe find true love. It turned out to just be an airplane in distress, then I met you.

Last night I looked up into the stars and thought I would match each one with a reason why I love you… I never realized how many stars there are.

Life without you is like a day without raisin bran.

I love you from the heart of my bottom.

If I had to choose between breathing and loving you, well I would turn blue and pass out if I stopped breathing and that wouldn’t do either of us much good.

If our love was a ship it would be the Titanic –  except for the part about striking an iceberg and sinking.

My heart races the moment I see you, my doctor says it is AFib.

You are the reason I am alive and happy today, well you and that airbag in my car.

You are the sunshine on my mostly cloudy with a 95% chance of precipitation days.

You’ve made all my dreams come true, except for the ones where I wake up screaming in the middle of the night.

I don’t love you for your looks, or your clothes, or for your fancy cars, but you know those sure haven’t hurt your chances.

I am very indecisive and always have trouble picking my favorite anything. But, without a doubt, you are just perhaps, quite possibly one of my favorite things.

I love you more than everything in this world with the possible exception of baseball.

Thought for the Week

“Love doesn’t sit there like a stone, it has to be made, like bread; remade all of the time, made new.” ~ By Ursula K. LeGuin

 

Friday Funny February 3, 2017 Groundhogs Were Not Alone in Seeing Shadows this Week

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Happy Friday!  This week brought us Groundhog Day which has to be one of the stranger days that we “observe.”  This is the day we trust a rodent to predict the weather.  At various locations from New York to Colorado people gathered before the sun came up to determine whether or not the groundhog will see his shadow and somehow this translates into how much more winter we will have.  

Yet, groundhogs were not the only folks venturing out Thursday to make predictions.  Here are a few of the lessor known prognosticators that you might have missed.

Enjoy!

Tom Brady saw his shadow – that means six PSI will be deleted from all footballs Sunday.

Charlie Sheen saw his shadow – that means six more weeks of rehap.

Janet Yellen saw her shadow – that means another hike to the Fed Funds rate in six weeks.

George Lucas saw his shadow – that means he will start work on six more Star Wars episodes.

Robert Griffin III saw his shadow – that means he will play no more than six games for the Browns next season or it might mean the Browns will have six more quarterbacks next season.

The CEO of Apple saw his shadow – that means a new iphone will be announced in six weeks.

Kim Kardashian saw her shadow – that means six weeks of her tweeting pictures of her shadow.

A network executive saw her shadow – that means there will be six more weeks of awards shows.

A CPA saw his shadow – that means your tax return should be filed within ten weeks.

Bryan Price saw his shadow – that means seven weeks until Opening Day.

The CEO of Samsung thought he saw his shadow but it was just smoke from another exploding phone.

Mike Nugent (Bengals place kicker) should have seen his shadow but he looked a little too wide to the right.

Thought for the Week

The groundhog is like most other prophets; it delivers its prediction and then disappears. ~ Bill Vaughan 

http://www.brainyquote.com