Monthly Archives: April 2020

Friday Funny May 1, 2020 Humor on the Cutting Edge

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Happy Friday and good job making it through another week of self-isolation!  Chances are that you are getting along better than your hair might be with all the barber shops and beauty parlors closed.  While you might not be able to get your hair cut, you can chuckle at a few barber jokes,

Enjoy!

Would you call a group of men waiting for a haircut a barber-cue?

Do barbers keep their money in a shavings account?

I was held hostage at a barber shop once. It was a pretty hairy situation.

The other day I told my wife that I wanted to open up a barber shop.  All she said was “Cut it out.”

I just might open a barber shop on the top floor of a fancy hotel and call it “A Cut Above the Rest.”

My barber recently started giving free eyebrow trims to anyone getting a haircut.  Everyone looked surprised.

I decided to switch to a new barber.  My old one just wasn’t cutting it.

The first new barber I tried out was a bit of a redneck.  As soon as I sat down in the chair I could tell something was wrong, I  got up quickly and walked out.  I think I may have just  dodged a mullet.

Old executives at Hair Club for Men never die, they just keep plugging away.

I have some more jokes, but I will shave them for later.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.” ~ Sam Ewing

Junk Mail Revenge

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If your experience is similar to mine, there are a lot of days when the daily trip out to the mail box results in retrieving several pieces of junk mail:  offers for credit cards, mortgage insurance, vehicle warranties, lawn services, heating/cooling services, pool chemicals (even if you have never had a pool) and so on and so on. 

These are a tad irritating and usually are quickly discarded.  However, there is something else you can do with some of these little annoyances.  I usually open them up to see if they include a Postage Paid Business Return envelope.  If one is included,  I like to set it aside and take advantage of the opportunity to send it back to the business. 

I figure this does two things: 1) it will momentarily make someone else a little irritated on the receiving end when they open an envelope and find nothing inside and 2) I keep reading about how the post office needs more revenue, so now the company that send me the letter will  have to pay the return postage thus providing more revenue for the USPS.  Seems like a win-win to me.  If you are a tad more ambitious (which sounds better than vindictive) stuff the envelope with a section of newspaper or other paper material. 

These days we are all looking for a few avenues to vent our frustrations, so enjoy!

Friday Funny April 24, 2020 Do It Yourself Humor

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Happy Friday!  Congratulations for surviving another week of social distancing!  Many folks are taking advantage of having some extra time around the house by taking those Do-It-Yourself projects that have been put off and put off.  So, here are a few DIY jokes to get you started on that new project.

Enjoy!

I went to the largest DIY store in my area and asked, “Where can I find some hammers, nails, a trowel and a bag of cement?”  The guy replied “They’re all under ‘Construction’.” “Okay,” I said, “Do you know when they will be finished?”

I hurt by back trying to reupholster my couch.  But now it’s fully recovered.

I’m really not very good at DIY but I did manage to attach a piece of wood to another piece of wood. Yep, I nailed it!

I’m really, really not very good with DIY. The other day while I was working, a pile of books fell on my head.  I know that I have only my shelf to blame.

 I just cannot decide which vanity to put in the bathroom. I have to sink about it.

My wife thinks that I am absolutely hopeless at fixing appliances.  Let me tell you, she is in for a shock.

My wife told me that she wanted me to stain the new wooden fence in the backyard. So I’ve been eating spaghetti over it all week.

I got a pretty wild idea for DIY orthodontics, it just might take the world by storm, brace yourself!

I have noticed that sometimes when I’m working in the garden, it seems to really strain my eyes. So, I have started wearing my weeding glasses.

Despite my ineptitude at DIY I was offered a construction job in Egypt, but it just turned out to be a pyramid scheme.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Home is where the wi‑fi connects automatically.” ~ Unknown

Friday Funny April 17, 2020 My Social Distancing Playlist

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Happy Friday!  Hoping this finds you healthy and coping.  Times continue to be rather crazy and we all find different ways to cope.  I enjoy listening to music.  So, this week I thought I would share my playlist for social distancing along with a few lines from each song.  I will admit the songs are rather dated, but then so am I!

Enjoy!

  • Pablo Cruise – Place in the Sun –Everybody’s pannin’ for gold/ and you can find it for a price/Love always promises to last forever/ but sometimes it just don’t work out/’Cause laughing lighthearted tunes/oh, sometimes they turn to blues/So tell yourself a joke or two/’cause every day invites you/To find your place in the sun
  • Average White Bank – Pick Up the Pieces – Pick up the pieces, uh-huh/Pick up the pieces, alright/Pick up the pieces, uh-huh/Pick up the pieces, woo!
  • Boz Scaggs- What Can I Say – (What can I say)/Oh to make you know baby/(What can I do)/Oooh show you that I care/(What can I say)
  • Beatles – Please Mr. Postman – Wait, oh yes wait a minute mister postman/Wait, wait mister postman/Mister postman look and see/Is there a letter in your bag for me
  • Player – Baby Comer Back – All day long, I’m wearin’ a mask of false bravado/Tryin’ to keep up a smile that hides a tear/But as the sun goes down, I get that empty feelin’ again
  • Boston – More Than A Feeling – So many people have come and gone/Their faces fade as the years/go by/Yet I still recall as I wander on/As clear as the sun in the summer sky/It’s more than a feeling
  • Rex Smith – Take My Breath Away -You, you take my breath away/And I don’t know what to say/’Cause you take my breath away
  • Donnie Osmond – Go Away Little Girl – So, go away little girl/Let’s call it a day little girl/Please, go away little girl/Before I beg you to stay
  • Barbara Streisand – The Way We Were – Mem’ries,Light the corners of my mind/Misty water-colored memories/Of the way we were
  • Starship – Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now – Let ’em say we’re crazy, I don’t care about that/put your hand in my hand, baby, don’t ever look back/let the world around us just fall apart/baby we can make it if we’re heart-to-heart
  • Andrew Gold – Lonely Boy– “They dressed him up warmly/they sent him to school/
    It taught him how to fight/to be nobody’s fool/Oh, oh, what a lonely boy
  • Eric Carmen – All By Myself – Livin’ alone/I think of all the friends I’ve known.
    But when I dial the telephone/Nobody’s home.
  • Sly and the Family Stone – Thank You Falettinme Be Mice Elf Agin – Dance to the music all night long/Everyday people sing their simple song/Mama’s so happy, Mama starts to cry/Papa’s still singing, you can make it if you try/I want to thank you falettinme be mice elf agin
  • Three Dog Night – Mama Told Me (Not To Come) –This is the craziest party that could ever be/Don’t turn on the lights ’cause I don’t wanna see/Mama told me not to come
  • Aerosmith – Walk This Way –  ‘Cause she knew what she was doin’/When she told me how to walk this way/She told me to/Walk this way
  • The Sylvers- Boogie Fever –She’s got the boogie fever/She likes to boogie down
    She’s got the boogie fever/I think it’s going around
  • Gloria Gaynor – I Will Survive – “I’ve got all my life to live/ I’ve got all my love to give/
    And I’ll survive, I will survive, I will survive.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“I may not overcome the inevitable, but O, it is mine to see that the inevitable does not overcome me.” ~Muriel Strode (1875–1964), My Little Book of Prayer, 1904

http://WWW.QUOTEGARDEN.COM

Friday Funny April 10, 2020 Always Proofread.

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Happy Friday!  Congratulations of making it through another week of social distancing!  These are indeed unusual times for all of us.  Why not kick off your weekend with a laugh?  Below are some interesting newspaper corrections that I dug up.

Enjoy!  Best Wishes for Easter and Passover!!

“In a Sunday Image article about hyaluronic acid, a skin-care ingredient and injectable filler, Dr. Nowell Solish was quoted as saying that if people change their minds after receiving an injection, there is an anecdote. It should have quoted him as saying there is an antidote.”

“There was an error printed in a story titled ‘Pigs float down the Dawson’ on Page 11 of yesterday’s Bully. The story, by reporter Daniel Burdon, said ‘more than 30,000 pigs were floating down the Dawson River’. What Baralaba piggery owner Sid Everingham actually said was ’30 sows and pigs’, not ’30,000 pigs’. The Morning Bulletin would like to apologise for this error, which was also reprinted in today’s Rural Weekly CQ before the mistake was known.”

“The candidate likes to spend his free time reading Tolstoy, and not watching Toy Story, as originally reported”

“In a recipe for salsa published recently, one of the ingredients was misstated, due to an error.  The correct ingredient is ‘2 tsp. of cilantro’ istead of ‘2 tsp. of cement.”

“A headline on an item in the Feb. 5 edition of the Enquirer Bulletin incorrectly stated ‘Stolen groceries.’ It should have read ‘Homicide.’

“An April 5 story stated that Mary Fraijo did not return a reporter’s calls seeking comment. Fraijo died last December.”

“There was an error in the Dear Abby column that was published on Monday.  In the fifth paragraph. the second sentence stated that Charlie’s hiccups were cured temporarily through the use of carbon monoxide. It should have read carbon dioxide.”

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“The life of every man is a diary in which he means to write one story, and writes another. \” ~ James Matthew Barrie

http://WWW.QUOTEGARDEN.COM

Friday Funny April 3, 2020 Boredom Therapy

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Happy Friday!  Congratulations for making it through another week intact.  If  you are starting to get a little stir crazy., here are a few bordeom busters to try out over the coming week.

Enjoy!

If you are bored try playing catch with your watch, it is a great way to pass the time.

If you are bored try memorizing the dictionary. I memorized five pages and learned next to nothing.

If you are bored try taking up fencing.  I did and my neighbors say they will call the police unless I put it back.

If you are bored try to see how many words you can make out of the word “Methuselah.”

If you are bored try to see how many marshmallows you can stuff in your mouth.

If you are bored try hiding a speaker by your mailbox and scream at people as they walk by. 

If you are bored try sitting by an open window with a Nerf gun and shoot people as they walk by. 

If you are bored try tying a rope to a rock and taking it for a walk.  When you pass people,  pat the rock and say, “Good boy Sparky!” 

If you are bored try standing at the end of your driveway with a hairdryer and pointing it  at cars and bicycles as they go by. 

If you are bored, try throwing glue sticks at people as they walk by to see if they stick.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

I nod to a passing stranger, and the stranger nods back, and two human beings go off, feeling a little less anonymous. ~Robert Brault,

http://WWW.QUOTEGARDEN.COM

Smiles Are Contagious Too

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We are probably all getting a bit stir-crazy, a bit fatigued and a bit concerned about what is going on in the world.  The world is in flux and there is a lot of uncertainly.  Yet in the midst of all of this, let me suggest something that is contagious and worth sharing – a smile.  While we are all practicing social distancing we can still acknowledge one another.  A wave, a nod, a smile will cost you nothing and will help brighten the world just a little bit.

I started running a couple of decades ago.  Running tends to be a rather solitary experience, thus I spend a nice chunk of time outside by myself.  I think this is pretty typical for runners.  Runners tend to welcome the momentary distraction of a wave, a smile and a “hello” as we pass on the road.  I seldom find that I get ignored by another runner, if I am ignored it tends to be a younger, really serious runner who is so focused on the run that he or she is trying to block out all distractions and “find the zone.” 

However, I am a bit amazed by how often I am ignored when I am out running.  I will look up, nod and wave to anyone I see, but this is not always returned.  I live in a residential area, and there is never a crowd of people out.  So, I find it interesting that some folks simply ignore my existence or pull up the phone to look at it the moment we pass.  I like dogs but I am a little perturbed by the folks that have to talk to their dog the moment we pass so that they can ignore me.

These days it seems that there are more people out walking in my neighborhood. So as I run or walk I will look up at anyone I pass and smile and say “hello” I hope you will do the same and maybe in spite of all else that is going on, we can be a little more friendly to each other.  Share a smile and pass it on.