Monthly Archives: April 2015

Friday Funny May 1, 2015 Words to Run By

pigfinish

This Sunday is the Cincinnati “Flying Pig” Marathon.  A marathon is quite an experience, all the people and all the excitement is great.  It is also fun to see all the people along the course.  Many of them bring signs to cheer on friends, family and total strangers.  If you are not doing anything Sunday morning, get up early, make yourself a sign and join the fun.  If you need some suggestions for what to put on your sign, below are some suggestions.

Enjoy!

“Only 26.1 miles to go!”

“Just a 10K with a 20 mile warmup.”

“You’re going the wrong way!”

 “Stop now!  You’ll never make it!”

” Worst Parade Ever”

“Where are the floats and giant balloons?”

“Today, you’re all Kenyans.”

“All I want to do is cross the street”

“You’ll pay for this tomorrow!”

“Don’t stop — people are watching.”

“Chuck Norris never ran a marathon.”

“Hurry up, we have places to go”

“If you really loved me, you’d run faster!”

“I’m sure this seemed like a good idea 4 months ago.”

“This is your own fault. No one made you do this!”

“Toenails are for sissies.”

“Don’t worry, toenails are overrated”

“Black toenails are sexy”

“You’re not slow. You’re just enjoying the course.”

“Stop reading this and keep running!”

“Run like zombies are chasing you.”

“If it was easy, I would do it.”

“May the course be with you!”

“Try not.  Do or not do.   There is no try.” (with a picture of Yoda)

“Staying up all night making this sign was hard, too

“Go Random Stranger, Go!”

“Because 26.3 would be crazy”

“There is no app for this, keep running.”

“Your shoelaces are untied!”

“Run Forrest Run!”

“Hurry up! The half marathoners are eating all the food!”

Thought for the Week

“If you want to know what you’ll look like in ten years, look in the mirror after you’ve run a marathon. “ ~ Jeff Scaff

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Marathon Lessons for Life

Pig 2008

 In a few days I will, hopefully, complete the Cincinnati Flying Pig Marathon, which will be my last full marathon.  I did not sign-up for my first marathon until I was in my forties.  I was never a runner and never really enjoyed running.  But I have had a great time being a part of marathons.  I do not call myself a runner, I am slow and I plod along but I finish. 

I have established three goals for each marathon that I have entered and so far I have achieved all three every time.  My goals are: 1) finish, 2) do not be the last person to finish the course, and 3) have fun.

Over the years I have learned a few things about running and a lot about myself.  Here are some of the life lessons that I have learned from preparing for and being in marathons.

  • Sometimes we need a push to get started, we can over think or rationalize our inactivity. It is always easy to get in shape tomorrow.
  • There are really only two times that I need to run – when I feel like running and when I don’t feel like running.
  • You have to train, but you also have to rest – don’t burn out.  You cannot do it all at once or all alone.  Preparing for a marathon is gradual and incremental process.
  • Enjoy the solitude on the days you run alone. Being along with your thoughts while you run is a great time to clear your mind.
  • No one can run for you.  There are no vicarious marathon runners.
  • Some days are just painful.  Hopefully they are few and far between.
  • Celebrate the little victories.  Build up your mileage as you can.  I think most people who start to run give up too soon and run too short.  They do not allow their body to adjust or to get in a rhythm.  It takes time, do not give up too soon.
  • Be ready to adjust to the elements.  Some days you need more layers, some days you need fewer, you cannot have the same approach every day. 
  • Along your route, know where the dogs live they look ominous and usually make a lot of noise, but do little else (a lot of people are like that too).
  • On race day know where the cameras are and smile – even if it hurts.
  • Enlist others to run with you – they say misery loves company, fun loves company too! Having someone to run alongside you makes it more enjoyable. 
  • Learn from the experience of others.  Talk to those who have run the race.
  • Encouragement along the marathon course is great, but not all encouragement is the same.  The guy at mile 2 that is yelling “you’re almost there” is not very inspirational.
  • Find your pace, not someone else’s  – run too fast and you “bonk”
  • Don’t pass up the water stations.  You have to re-hydrate to keep going.  Fuel is needed along the way even if it is not very appetizing (Would you expect something named Goo to taste good?).
  • You really can go further than you think you can.  Watch the mile markers and rejoice with each and every passing mile.
  • As a friend told me, a marathon is just a 10K with a 20 mile warm-up.  You really don’t know what will happen those last 6.2 miles, at that point you brain is just as important as your legs. 
  • The race is tiring and the aftermath can be painful for a while.  But the feeling of achievement is worth it.
  • A marathon is 26.2 miles, only those that start and finish receive a medal.  You have to go the entire distance and you have to stay on the course.  To me the hardest parts are the first two miles and the last two miles.  In between is a lot of monotony, a lot of simply putting one foot in front of the other over and over and over again, but you have to stay at it and you have to stay on the course.
  • Run with a purpose.  The finish is what you were working for all along.  Finish well, finish strong!  Look up and smile the pain will fade but not the pictures.

Lastly here is my favorite marathon quotation: “The miracle is not that I finished, it is that I had the courage to start.” – John Bingham

Friday Funny April 24, 2015 Just Another Day at the Beach

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A couple lived near the ocean and enjoyed a daily walk along the beach. One day it occurred to them that there was a girl who was at the beach every time they were there. She wasn’t unusual, it was just that she was always there.  She walked along the beach carrying an ordinary travel bag.  However she would often approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them.

It seemed like most of the time, the person she spoke to would respond negatively and she would wander off.  Occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money then she would reach in her bag and give them something.  This aroused suspicion from the couple who wondered if perhaps she was selling drugs,  They debated calling the police, but since they didn’t know for sure they just continued to watch her day after day.

This went on for a few weeks.  One day the wife asked, “Honey, have you ever noticed that she only approaches people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?”

He hadn’t and said so. Then she added, “Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Perhaps we can find out what she’s really up to.”

Well, the plan went off without a hitch, and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl walk over and talk to her husband and then leave. The man got up and walked up the beach to met his wife at the road.

“Well, is she selling drugs?” she asked excitedly.

“No, she’s not selling drugs,” he said, perhaps enjoying stringing his wife along more than he should have.

“Well, what is it, then!?” his wife almost screamed.

The man grinned and said. “Her name is Sally and she’s a battery salesperson.”

“Batteries!?” cried the wife ……………………………………..

“Yes” he replied.  “Sally sells C cells by the Seashore.”

Thought for the Week

Always look on the bright side of life. Otherwise it’ll be too dark to read. ~Author Unknown

http://www.quotegarden.com

Some Nutritional Advice

hershey-bars-milk-chocolate_lg

Can’t eat beef……..mad cow, growth hormone injections

Can’t eat chicken…… bird flu, antibiotics

Can’t eat eggs…… bird flu (again), salmonella

Can’t eat pork…..trichinosis & fears that bird flu will infect pigs

Can’t eat fish……. contaminated by heavy metals in the water

Can’t eat fruits and veggies……. insecticides and herbicides

That narrows the options down quite a bit.  However, the good news is that I can still eat Chocolate.

I have read where many nutritionists have advised that a balanced diet should have lots of color – so to follow that advice, I always include a daily serving M&Ms. 

Think about it, chocolate is derived from cacao beans. Beans are vegetables! Sugar is derived from either sugar cane or sugar beets. Both of these are plants, which places them in the vegetable category, correct? Therefore chocolate must be a vegetable.  And don’t forget that milk chocolate contains MILK, which adds the dairy category. One could start to make the argument that like milk chocolate is, in fact, a health food. 

Take a moment and check the nutritional information on that chocolate bar.  Did you realize that you can get 100% of the minimum daily requirements of Vitamin C, Calcium, Iron, Protein and Carbohydrates just by eating Hershey’s Milk Chocolate?  I checked out the label and it is true (you just need to eat 50 bars each day).  This will more than provide your calorie intake (50 bars would be about 15,000 calories if you are into counting calories).  Chocolate really does provide all you need in one convenient package, what could be easier?

So, put “eat chocolate” at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you’ll get one thing done.

Friday Funny April 17, 2015 Jokes that Count

lgs

Happy Friday!  In honor of surviving another April 15, I thought a few accounting jokes would help bring balance to your day.  So be audit you can be, but remember it’s       accrual world out there.
 
Enjoy!
 
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
 
What is the difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion?
About ten years.

How many accountants does it take to change a light bulb?
How much money do you have? 

What's the difference between an accountant and a lawyer? 
The accountant knows he's boring.
 
Newton's Laws of Accounting 
1. For every accountant, there is equal and opposite accountant.
2. Both of them are wrong. 
 
Four Laws of Accounting:
1. Trial balances don't.
2. Bank reconciliations never do.
3. Working capital does not. 
4. Return on investments never will. 

In reality there are just two rules for creating a successful accountancy business: 
1. Don't tell them everything you know. 2. [Redacted] 

An auditor is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor.
"Doctor, I just can't get sleep at night." 
"Have you tried counting sheep?"
"That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend many hours trying to find it."
 
What is the definition of a good tax accountant?
Someone who has a loophole named after him.
 
When does a person decide to become an accountant?
When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.
 
How can you tell an accountant is introverted?
He looks at his shoes while he is talking to you.
 
How can you tell an accountant is extroverted?
He looks at your shoes while he is talking to you.
 
Why did the accountant cross the road?
To bore the people on the other side
 
There are just three types of accountants: those who can count and those who can't.


Thought for the Week

"The hardest thing in the world to understand is income taxes." ~ attributed to Albert Einstein

 

					

Boys of Summer 1975 Edition

ALL STARS 1975

We can now officially put a very long and very cold winter behind us because the baseball season is underway.  I have enjoyed baseball for as long as I can remember and I was fortunate to grow up in Southwestern Ohio during the days of the Big Red Machine.  So, of course, I dreamed of playing for the Reds.  Of course that never happened, I never even managed to make my high school team.  

But I did play Little League Baseball as many years as I could  – from age 8 through 15.  I was on some good teams and some really bad teams.  I think in 1971, the team I played on  was 2-14.  The next year, we doubled our wins to 4-12.  According to my records, in 1974 as a pitcher, I won 5 games and lost 4, posting an ERA of 1.14 and even managed to pitch a no-hitter and lose 1-0!  The last two years I played baseball I pitched 132 innings  walked 53 and struck out 202.

Probably the best baseball team I had a chance to play with was the 1975 Shiloh – Ft. McKinley Senior Division All-Star Team at the conclusion of what was my last year of Little League Baseball.  I pick this as the best team I ever played on because we actually managed to win our first game in the double elimination Little League tournament. (It was also one of those rare times when I was not the only “Leonard” on a team.)  I had made the “all star” team the previous four years but we had never won a game in the Major Division or the Senior Division tournament and were quickly dismissed.  

But 1975 was our year.  Tucked away in an old red notebook I came across a clipping from the Argus-Sentinel by Sports Editor Ken Palen that recaps the highlight game of my brief and not quite illustrious baseball career.    The headline, from the Englewood paper proclaimed “Englewood Seniors One-Hit in Opening Tourney Game.”  Mr. Palen mentions the old baseball adage that “good pitching stops good hitting.”  That was definitely the case this day as we scored 8 runs and our ace pitcher, Jeff Mitrisin, allowed only one-hit and that was with one out in the seventh and final inning.

We scored 5 runs in the second inning on our way to victory.  If I recall correctly, I led off that inning and drove the ball the tremendous distance of about twenty feet, the ball stayed fair and just died on the first base line, a classic swinging bunt for a single.  I scored the first run as we batted around that inning highlighted by doubles by Larry Olevitch and Chris Pulos.  Englewood changed pitchers for the third inning and I got to lead off again.  In what may have been the best sentence ever written in the history of amateur baseball, Mr. Palen noted that the next pitcher “was the victim of a third inning home run by Lenny Wagers that easily cleared the 307 ft. sign in center field.” 

Unfortunately we lost our next game 4-3 in 11 innings and followed that with another loss.  We were eliminated again and my baseball career was over.  I suppose it is a little sad that I peaked at 15 and was washed-up and out of organized baseball at 16, but 40 years later, I still have some great memories.

 

 

Friday Funny April 10, 2015 Get Ready to Heckle!

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Happy Friday!  Another baseball season is underway.  Few things are more enjoyable than a trip to the old ball yard to take in a game and to help get you in mid-season form for your next game, here are some lines that you can throw at the pitchers and hitters.

Enjoy!

FOR PITCHERS
 I’ve seen better arms on the Venus de Milo!                                                                                    I’ve seen better arms on a beanbag chair!                                                                                          I’ve seen better pitchers in Kool-Aid Commercials.                                                                        I’ve seen more heat in an EZ-bake oven!                                                                                          I’ve seen more heat in a toaster!                                                                                                      You couldn’t save a Word file!                                                                                                            You couldn’t save anything at Wal-Mart!                                                                                          You couldn’t hold your dogs lead!                                                                                                      I’ve seen better curves on a square!                                                                                                      I’ve seen better sliders at White Castle!                                                                                              I’ve seen better windups on a toy!                                                                                                  How about a donation for this walk-a-thon!                                                                                  You couldn’t find a plate in a kitchen!                                                                                                    Click your heels 3 times and repeat after me…..there’s no place like home, there’s no  place like home, there’s no place like home!

FOR HITTERS
 You’ve got fewer hits than an Amish website!
 You’ve had fewer hits than Vanilla Ice!
 You couldn’t drive home Miss Daisy!                                                                                                This guy hasn’t driven anybody home since the junior prom!                                                   You couldn’t hit water if you fell out of a boat!                                                                                   Hey, my cholesterol level is higher than your batting average!                                              Hey, Mendoza called. He wants his line back!                                                                             Your hostess will seat you! (following a strikeout)                                                                     I’ve seen better cuts at a deli!                                                                                                               I’ve seen better cuts on a BeeGees album!                                                                                            This guy couldn’t hit a shift key!                                                                                                          I’ve seen better swings in a park!                                                                                                      I’ve seen better swings on a porch!                                                                                                  You couldn’t hit the floor if you fell out of bed!                                                                              You couldn’t knock the skin off of rice pudding!

Thought for the Week

“Correct thinkers think that ‘baseball trivia’ is an oxymoron: nothing about baseball is trivial.” ~ George Will