Monthly Archives: September 2017

Friday Funny September 29, 2017 Random Jokes

Happy Friday!  This week brings us to the end of September and some random jokes to kick off your weekend.

Enjoy!

I used to have a dog that would always chase people on a bike.  It got to be so bad, that I finally had to take his bike away.

Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? Because they lack toes!

I called the hospital but the line was dead.

Can you make a hot dog stand if you take away its chair?

The other day I went to the Doctor.  He asked why I was there, I told him I had this strange feeling that I was a deck of cards.  He told me to go sit in the waiting room and he would deal with me in a few minutes.

Another time I went to see the doctor because I had a strawberry growing out of my arm.  The doctor gave me some cream to put on it.

I once swallowed eight plastic horses.  They admitted me to the hospital in stable condition.

I saw this really slick Spanish magician.  For his finale, he said he was going to disappear at the count of three. He started to count, “Un, dos…” then poof! He vanished without a tres.

The other day I heard music coming out of my printer.  Apparently, the paper was jamming again.

I told my wife that I could build a car out of spaghetti. She said it could not be done. She sure looked surprised as I drove pasta.

Thought for the Week

Some see a hopeless end, while others see an endless hope. ~Author Unknown

http://www.quotegarden.com

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Friday Funny September 22, 2017 A Visit to the Dentist

 

Happy Friday!  Thoughts and prayers continue to be with those dealing with the aftermath of natural disaster.  Here is trusting that better days are ahead.

Enjoy!

This week I made my my semi-annual visit to the dentist. While I know that many people are quite leery of going to the dentist, I was able to overcome my fear of the dentist in about the seventh grade.  I got to know my dentist, who happened to also be the dentist for the Dayton Gems minor league hockey team, rather well over the six visits I had for fillings.  Although I did learn to dread it when he said, “This is just a small cavity, I don’t think you will need any Novocaine for this one.”

A visit to the dentist is always interesting. I am convinced dental hygienists tools are
derived from instruments of torture that date back to the middle ages. Forget
about water boarding for terror suspects. Let’s just have them spend a half hour
with the dental hygienist every morning; wait, I think that was outlawed by the
Geneva Convention.

Anyway, after the hygienist finished with me and I had my transfusion to replace the
blood I lost through the flossing.  It was time to see the dentist. I tried to make
some conversation with him because I noticed that he looked a little down in the
mouth. He told me he had recently been recognized as the dentist of the year. I
asked if that came with any rewards. He said they gave him a little plaque.

He also told me that he had recently had an interesting patient, an Indian guru
who needed some extensive dental work, but refused Novocaine. I asked him why
and he said that the guru wanted to transcend dental medication.

My dentist also told me that he had to break up with his girlfriend who was a
manicurist. It seems all they ever did was fight tooth and nail.

On my way out, I noticed that he had a sign hanging on the wall with a Bible
verse on it, Psalms 81:10b” . . . open thy mouth wide, and I will fill it.”
___________________________________________________________________
How many dentists does it take to change a light bulb? Three. One to administer the
anesthetic, one to extract the light bulb, and one to offer the socket a little cup of
water.
___________________________________________________________________
Husband: “Darling, your teeth remind me of the stars”
Wife: “Because they gleam and sparkle”
Husband: “No, because they come out at night!”

Thought for the Week

My dental hygienist is cute.Every time I visit, I eat a
whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the
lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the
afternoon’s appointments. ~ Stephen Wright

Friday Funny September 15, 2017 Step to the Humor

Happy Friday!  I hope this has been a good week for you.  This weekend, my high school class is having a 40th reunion.  I imagine some will not be able to resist the urge to relive the glory days of disco.  So, in honor of the Class of 1977, here is a little humor to boogie with.

Enjoy!

What do ghosts dance to?   Soul music

 Why don’t dogs make good dancers? Because they have two left feet!

 What do cars do at the disco? Brake dance

 Where can you dance in California? Stan Fran’s Disco!

  What did the groovy bank robber say? Everybody get down!

 Why do ants dance on jam jars? Because the jar says ‘twist to open’!

What dance do chickens hate? The Foxtrot!

 Where do fortune tellers dance? At the crystal ball.

 What is a pigs favorite ballet? Swine Lake!

 Why did the two knives go to the dance together? Because they both looked sharp!

 Where did the computer go to dance? To a disc-o!

 What do cows like to dance to? Any ‘ole kind of moosic.

 What sort of dance does a plumber do? A tap dance!

Thought for the Week

Best friends don’t necessarily have to talk every day. They don’t even need to talk for weeks. But when they do, it’s like they never stopped talking. ~Author unknown

http://www.quotegarden.com

 

Friday Funny September 8, 2017 Seeing a Little Humor

Happy Friday!  I hope you are well and safe as this week draws to a close.  For my friends dealing with hurricanes, you are in my thoughts and prayers.

I made a visit to the eye doctor today, something that, especially on my Mom’s side of the family, is a regular and important occurrence.  While I was in the waiting room for two hours, again a regular but worthwhile occurrence I started wondering about jokes this week and then I saw the light.  So here is a little site related humor to kick off your weekend.  Some of them are pretty made but I am kind of a cornea guy.

Enjoy!

My wife went to my optometrist to return a pair of glasses that I had purchased.  They asked her what the problem was.  So, she told them that the prescription must be wrong because I am still not seeing things here way.

A Czechoslovakian went to have his eyes tested. The optometrist displayed the eye with the letters N Y X C S F R U Z and asked, ‘can you read any of those letters?’ ‘Read it? ’he answered, ‘That’s my cousin!’

Did you hear about the lens maker who fell into the lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself?

Q. What was the lens’s excuse to the policeman? A. I’ve been framed officer

Q. What music do optometrists listen to? A. itunes

Q. What did the sailor say to the captain of the optometrist’s boat? A. eye-eye captain

Q. What do you call a one-eyed dinosaur? A. Douthinkhesaraus

Q. How many optometrists does it take to screw in a light bulb?  A. Is it one or two?  Two or           One? One or two?

Q. What do you call a deer with no eyes?  A. No Idear

Q. What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?  A. Still no idear

Q. Where does bad light end up?  A. In A Prism

Q. What happens when you split a prism?  A. All the prismers escape

Thought for the Week

The objects of the present life fill the human eye with a false magnification because of their immediacy. ~ William Wilberforce