Monthly Archives: June 2019

Friday Funny June 28, 2019 Before Computers

Happy Friday!  We have come to the last Friday in June and 2019 is almost halfway gone!  Time continues to fly by.  Among many things that have impacted my life is the advent of computers and their effect on every aspect of life including language.

Enjoy!

Before Computers:
 
Java was what you drank in the morning
An application was something you filled out for a job
A program was on television
A cursor was someone who used profanity
A keyboard was on a piano

Memory was something that you lost with age
Uploading what was you did to a pickup truck
The only directory I knew was the yellow pages
Shareware was the hand-me-down clothes you received from relatives
Windows were what you looked out of
 
A monitor was someone who watched what you were doing
Booting up what something you did before going out in the snow
Google was a really big number that no one ever used
Yahoo was a person of questionable intelligence
Oracle was a very wise and respected person
 
Unencrypt sounded like something from a bad horror movie
Ethernet sounded like something an anesthesiologist would use
Debugging was done with insect repellent
C++ was something you did not want to see on your report card
Crashing was what you tried to avoid in your car
 
A Byte was a quick snack
Compress was something you did to garbage  
Zip was something you did to your pants
Log on was adding wood to a fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
 
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
A backup was what you wanted to prevent in your toilet
Cut – you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider’s home

Thought for the Week

Computers are like Old Testament gods; lots of rules and no mercy.  ~Joseph Campbell

http://www.quotegarden.com

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Friday Funny June 21, 2019 A Flash Flood of Jokes

Happy Friday! The calendar may say that it is summer, but in Ohio we have seen a great deal of rain this week.  They say you cannot change the weather – so let’s at least laugh about it a little.

Enjoy!  

Do you know what one raindrop said to the other raindrop? — My plop is bigger than your plop! 

 

Do you know what another raindrop said to another raindrop? — Two’s company, three’s a cloud.


Do you know what we call two straight days of rain in Ohio? — A weekend. 


Do you know how thunderstorms invest their money? – In liquid assets. 


Do you know what daylight-saving time means in Ohio? — An extra hour of rain. 


What’s more destructive than raining buckets? — Hailing taxis.

 

I heard the local weather reporter was fired because news of a coming flood was leaked.

 

It’s been raining so much in Ohio that the Chia Pet I threw in the garbage is now blocking my driveway.

 

Since it started raining, all my kids do is look sadly through the window…if it keeps up much longer, I am going to have to let them in.

 

The other night a saw a movie about a tornado, the plot had a great twist at the end.

 

Thought for the Week

“It was a dry rain.” ~ Yogi Berra

 

Friday Funny June 14, 2019 Things You Never Heard Dad Say

Happy Friday!  This Sunday is Father’s Day.  If you are fortunate to have your Dad around, take time to let him know what he means to you.  If you Dad is gone, take time to reflect on a few pleasant memories that you have of him.

Enjoy!

THINGS YOU PROBABLY NEVER HEARD DAD SAY

They just don’t have enough commercials during football games.

I noticed that all your friends have a certain disrespectful and defiant attitude.  Why aren’t you more like that?

Guess I better just stop and ask for directions.

You know Sweetie, now that you’re thirteen, I think you should start dating.

Here’s a credit card and the keys to my new car — GO CRAZY.

Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend … you might want to consider throwing a party.

No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring — now quit your belly-aching, and let’s go to the mall.

No why would you want to get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.

Let me hold your purse while you try that on.

Let’s watch another Hallmark Christmas Movie tonight!.

Dancing to Kidz Bop at top volume is way better than listening to my boring music.

Music today is so much better than the stuff I listened to when I was your age.

I think that umpire is just doing a wonderful job today.

I have been hankerin’ for a nice salad and quiche all day.

Thought for the Week

He didn’t tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it. ~Clarence Budington Kelland

http://www.quotegarden.com

 

 

Pillow Talk

There is an almost endless array of ways that one can divide people into two different groups.  I would like to offer yet another possibility:  there are two kinds of people in the world – people who will use the same pillow for years and people who like to buy new pillows.

People who prefer new pillows are optimists, they buy a new pillow in anticipation that the new pillow will be better than the old pillow.  It will feel better, it will help them sleep better, it will hold its form better, it will last longer than the previous pillow.  Even though every pillow they have ever purchased has not lived up to their ideal of the perfect pillow, they purchase a new one hoping that this will be the one.  Then after a little while, the new pillow’s form no longer bounces back and they are not sleeping as well as they were. So, in their never-ending optimism they purchase another new pillow.  Hope springs eternal and maybe this time they will find pillow perfection.

People who use the same pillow for years, until it is thread bare and the stuffing is falling out tend to be realists and pragmatists.  They have adjusted their lives to the imperfect reality of their own imperfect pillow.  While they may have an idea of what a perfect pillow would be like, they understand the odds of finding the perfect pillow are remote.  So, they settle in with the pillow they have and make the best of it.  In time the pillow becomes a bit flat and misshapen but that is OK, the pillow is usable and familiar and they accept that.  A new pillow would only disturb the familiar for awhile until the new pillow is broken in enough to become an old pillow. 

So are you a new pillow or an old pillow kind of person?

Friday Funny June 7, 2019 Dialing Up Some Laughter

Happy Friday and welcome to June! I think we had the same phone (with a rotary dial) from the time I was born until I went away to college.  Now, you cannot get a cell phone to last the two years that it takes to pay for it.  It appears that it is just about time to replace my cell phones which had me looking for a little phone-related humor this week.

Enjoy!

I was once in a job interview when the hiring manager handed me his laptop and said, “I want you to try and sell this to me.” Well, I got up, put it under my arm, walked out of the building and went home. About an hour later, he called my cell and said, “Bring my computer back right now!” I said, “$250 and it is yours.”

I recently went to a movie. I choose an aisle seat because it feels a little roomier. Just as the feature was about to start, a lady gets up from the center of the row got up and starts working her way out. “Excuse me, sorry, oops, excuse me, pardon me, …” By the time she got to me, I was getting a bit perturbed, so I asked, “Couldn’t you have done this a little earlier?” “No!” she said in a loud whisper. “The ‘TURN OFF YOUR CELL PHONE PLEASE’ message just flashed up on the screen and I left mine in the car.”

How can you tell which one of your friends has the newest iPhone? Don’t worry, they’ll be sure to let you know.

I accidentally dropped my cell phone from the balcony on the twentieth floor, fortunately it was in airplane mode.

Phones are getting thinner and smarter. People, well that is another story…

If you cross a telephone with an iron would you get a smooth operator?

Would a lobster answer the phone by saying “shello”?

Did the cell phone need to wear glasses because it had lost its contacts?

Chuck Norris’ phone never auto corrects him.

Chuck Norris can text using a rotary phone.

Chuck Norris doesn’t dial the wrong number, you pick up the wrong phone.

Thought for the Week

“Whoever said there is freedom of speech has not seen my cell phone bill.”