Monthly Archives: December 2018

Here are my bee resolutions for the New Year.

via New Year’s Resolutions for My Bees — Married with Bees

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Friday Funny December 28, 2018 One Liners to Close Out 2018

Happy Friday and Happy New Year!  Thank you for allowing me to share a laugh or two with you during 2018.  I hope to bring a smile to your face in 2019 and want to wish you a joyous New Year!

Enjoy!

I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas. She told me “Nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace” So I gave her nothing.

I bought my son a fridge for Christmas – I couldn’t wait to see his face light up when he opened it.

My New Year’s resolution is to help all my friends gain ten pounds so I look thinner.

I’m good at multitasking and procrastinating, which means right now there are at least 17 things that I’m putting off until later.

Nobody ever asks how Coca-Cola is doing. It’s always, “Is Pepsi okay?”

Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician.

I often confuse reptiles and amphibians. Actually, if I’m being brutally honest, they pretty much never know what I’m talking about.

What do friends and trees have in common? They both fall down when you hit them with an ax.

I don’t mean to brag but I’m helping a Nigerian Prince with a pretty serious financial matter. I can’t really talk about it.

I have an inferiority complex but it’s just not a very good one.

Thought for the Week

There are those who try to bottle the old year for safekeeping but at midnight the cork always pops. ~Terri Guillemets, “Memories old & new,” 2005

http://www.quotegarden.com

Friday Funny December 21, 2018 Some Not So Great Gift Ideas for the Kids

Happy Friday and Merry Christmas!  Christmas is just a few days away and I hope you have your shopping completed.  If not, there will be plenty of stores open this weekend and my guess is that you will have plenty of company from other last-minute shoppers.  However, there are some gift ideas that you probably will not find at any store this year and the world is probably a little safe for it.

Enjoy!

SOME NOT SO GREAT GIFT IDEAS FOR THE KIDS

AUSTIN MAGIC PISTOL – a toy gun that shoots a ping-pong ball.  These have been around for a long time and seem harmless enough.  Well this one had a twist, made in the 1950’s the Austin Magic Pistol was not your ordinary spring-loaded ping-pong gun.  This one used “magic crystals” made from calcium carbide.  The tricky part here is that calcium carbide and water make a highly flammable gas that resulted in a small explosion that would fire said ping-pong balls over 70 feet, but it did look pretty cool to shoot fiery ping-pong balls at your friends.

JARTS – These were banned sometime in the 1980s. According to reports, over 6,100 children went to the emergency room from lawn dart injuries. That same report says that a dart can come down with over 20,000 pounds of pressure. I can proudly say that I survived playing Jarts.  I can also truthfully state that I never intentionally threw a Jart at anyone.

CLACKERS – Also known as Knockers and Click Clacks.  The 70’s gave us this toy made of two heavy acrylic balls attached to a string.  The only object was to get them to fly up and down and knock into each other to make noise and to do this as fast as possible.  Of course. swinging small acrylic balls about at high-speed may seem like a safe activity to most people, but the problem with these arises when those balls reach their inevitable breaking point.  Then instead of the expected bang, they shatter and splinter.  Then parents decided it might be a good idea to keep shrapnel out of their children’s faces.  I had these but did not have the patience or coordination to use them enough to reach the breaking point.

PYROGRAPHY (WOOD BURNING) Kits – A hot metal tip that is used to burn images into wood, so what is the problem.  Well, besides the heat, there are fumes, inhaling sawdust and the ever-present threat of starting a fire.  I think I had one of these and with my natural artistic ability I was able to eventually make a black mark on a piece of wood.

EASY BAKE OVEN – Introduced in 1963 by Kenner, a Cincinnati based company, the original used an ordinary light bulb as the heat source, which could reach close to 350 degrees.  It came with packets of cake mix and small round pans. All you had to do was add water, mix, put in the pan and slide into the oven through a slot. After cooking, the cake was pushed out through a slot in the other end.  While a lot of cakes were made over the years, we may never know how little fingers were burned in the process. 

CREEPY CRAWLERS – kind of like an Easy Bake Oven marketed to boys with the added features of chemical fumes.  It was introduced by Mattel in 1964.  You could make plastic bugs by pouring “Plastigoop” into little metal molds then “baking” them using an electric hot plate oven that was hotter than an Easy Bake Oven. Not only did the unit get hot, but it made hot melted plastic, which was also toxic. But the end result was a supply of rubbery bugs toys that make any kid squeal with joy.

GILBERT GLASS BLOWING KIT – If the Easy Bake Oven and Creepy Crawlers were not hot enough for you, there was the Gilbert Glass Blowing Kit.   If you want to get glass to become malleable, you need to heat to about 1,000 degrees! Sounds fun and exciting and what could possibly go wrong? 

GILBERT ATOMIC ENERGY LAB – Why worry simply about high temperatures when you can play with radioactive materials?  The Gilbert Company managed to top the glass blowing with the introduction in 1951 of the Atomic Energy Lab kit which included a Uranium-238 Geiger counter, an electroscope, and four samples of uranium ores. Hey junior, how about some nice uranium-238, it has REAL radioactivity!

Thought for the Week

And the angel said to them, “Fear not, for behold, I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people.” ~ Luke 2:10

Friday Funny December 14, 2018 Some Interesting Christmas Song Lyrics

Happy Friday!  We are at the midpoint of December and Christmas is only a couple of weeks away.  No doubt you hare hearing a lot of Holiday music, but are you really hearing the lyrics to the old, familiar songs?  Some of them make you stop and go “hmmm.”

Enjoy!

Frosty the Snowman

“Frosty the snowman was a jolly happy soul
With a corncob pipe and a button nose
And two eyes made out of coal”

I have previously stated I am not a big fan of Frosty.  That being said, this song has some seriously flawed theology, as do many popular Christmas songs by the way.  Three quick problems with the above lyrics: 1) a snowman does not have a soul, jolly or otherwise; 2) should a snowman be teaching children to smoke with his corn cob pipe?  Shouldn’t he be avoiding all forms of heat?; 3) everyone knows that a snowman’s nose is supposed to be a carrot, not a button!

The Wassail Song

“Here we come a-wassailing
Among the leaves so green,
Here we come a-wand’ring
So fair to be seen.
Love and joy come to you,
And to you your wassail, too,”

I have never in my life gone a a-wassailing and not sure I know anyone who has.  It is December, if I am among the leaves where I live, they are not green, they are brown and blowing around.

Up on the House Top

“Next comes the stocking of little Will
Oh, just see what a glorious fill
Here is a hammer and lots of tacks
Also a ball and a whip that cracks
Ho, Ho, Ho! Who wouldn’t go?
Ho, Ho, Ho! Who wouldn’t go?
Up on the housetop, click, click, click
Down through the chimney with good Saint Nick”

What better gift for a little boy than a hammer, tacks and a whip?  What could possibly go wrong here?  And while you at it, let’s all go up on the roof and try to enter the house via the chimney.

Santa Claus Is Coming to Town

“You better watch out, you better not cry
Better not pout, I’m telling you why
Santa Claus is comin’ to town
He’s making a list and checking it twice
Gonna find out who’s naughty and nice
Santa Claus is comin’ to town
He sees you when you’re sleepin’
He knows when you’re a wake
He knows if you’ve been bad or good
So be good for goodness sake”

Ominous, threatening and down-right creepy.  Let’s the kids sing this and it will not be visions of sugar plums that will be dancing through their heads.

There Is No Place Like Home for the Holidays

“Oh, there’s no place like home for the holidays
‘Cause no matter how far away you roam
When you pine for the sunshine of a friendly gaze
For the holidays you can’t beat home sweet home!

I met a man who lives in Tennessee, and he was headin’ for
Pennsylvania and some homemade pumpkin pie
From Pennsylvania folks are travellin’
Down to Dixie’s sunny shore
From Atlantic to Pacific
Gee the traffic is terrific!”

Pining is something I do not do a lot of and when the traffic is moving at 5 mph “terrific” is not how I would describe it.

We Wish You A Merry Christmas

“Now bring us some figgy pudding
Now bring us some figgy pudding
Now bring us some figgy pudding
Now bring some out here

Good tidings we bring to you and your kin
We wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy new Year

We won’t go until we get some
We won’t go until we get some
We won’t go until we get some, so bring some out here”

We are at your house and we are making demands and will not leave until they are satisfied – is that the real spirit of the Season?  Of all the things to demand, not sure figgy pudding would be at the top of anyone’s list.

Thought for the Week

“It was always said of him, that he knew how to keep Christmas well, if any man alive possessed the knowledge. May that be truly said of us, and all of us! And so, as Tiny Tim observed, God Bless Us, Every One!” ~ Charles Dickens

Friday Funny December 7, 2018 Taking Another Look at Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer

Happy Friday and Happy December!  Hanukkah is here and Christmas is just around the corner.  We are in the thick of all the Christmas music on the radio and in the stores as well as all of the holiday specials on television.  I noticed that Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer is on this weekend and thought it was time to dust off post from a few years ago.  I suppose that makes this post a Christmas rerun but hey,  if the show can air more than 50 years running, I can brush off an old post for another run.

Enjoy!

Every year since 1964, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer airs on television this time of the year.  It is one of four Christmas specials from the 1960’s that continue to make an annual yuletide appearance.  The others are How the Grinch Stole Christmas and A Charlie Brown Christmas (two of my favorites) and  Frosty the Snowman (one of my least favorites). 

I would imagine that you have seen Rudolph, probably many, many times.  But have you ever stopped to think much about this seemingly innocent story?  For instance have you ever noticed how mean and unSanta-like Santa is?  Have you noticed that Santa is portrayed as a self-centered, mean, impatient, old man.  He is certainly not a “right jolly old elf” by any means in this story.  Remember how all the Elves work long and hard on a song especially for Santa in their spare time?  The joyful elves present their song to an obviously disinterested Santa who responds at the end with “it needs work, I have to go.”  Perhaps Santa was preparing for a career as a judge on American Idol?  Later as Mrs. Claus is trying to fatten him up for the big day he whines, “How can I eat? That silly Elf song is driving me crazy!” 

Plus, if you think about it, Santa’s attitude toward Rudolph throughout the entire show is quite self-serving.  While Santa is initially impressed with Rudolph’s performance during the reindeer games, once Rudolph’s fake nose falls off Santa quickly changes his tune and scolds Rudolf’s father while the other reindeer children mock Rudolph.  Perhaps Santa needs #stopbullying.  It is only at the end when Santa realizes that completing his job is dependent on exploiting Rudolf’s unique abilities that he sees any real value in Rudolph.

After all these years, I still do not understand the Island of Misfit Toys.  Charlie in the Box is there because of his name?  Currently on ebay  you can buy a Sock Monkey in the Box, a Curious George in the Box, a Flipper in a Box, a Magic Dragon in the Box and a Sponge Bob Square Pants in the Box.  There are more than 200 listings for a Charlie in a Box! So what is the issue here?  I think it is his attitude the chip on his shoulder – not his name. 

What about the train with square wheels on the caboose.  Wasn’t Hermey a trained Elf?  Don’t you think a trained Elf could have made some round wheels for the caboose?  He probably could have helped the boat that sunk to be able to float as well.  Why didn’t Hermey help the misfit toys?  It seems to me that if Hermey really cared about the misfit toys, he could have helped a few of them out.  And by the way, at the end, was it really a good idea to let Hermey practice dentistry in his spare time without any formal training?  I wonder if he had any malpractice insurance? 

Then there was the Dolly for Sue.  What exactly was her problem?  Apparently Arthur Rankin of Rankin-Bass has stated that Dolly had psychological issues caused by being abandoned by Sue.  Well what kid wants a toy with psychological issues? Maybe they could market her as a doll that comes with her very own “baggage.” Perhaps she was a sister to the Talking Tina doll that made an appearance on an episode of The Twilight Zone.

Yukon Cornelius, would you let your young ones set off to the unknown with him as a guardian?  What exactly was he teaching impressionable little ones?  He throws his pick-axe into the snow, picks it up and licks it in hopes of finding silver or gold? What are the odds that would ever work?  Plus it must  be quite unsanitary and who would want to risk getting metal splinters on their tongue?

However, they saved the cruelest moment in the show for the end.  It is supposed to be a feel good moment as Santa delivers the long forgotten misfit toys.  Remember how an Elf comes out of Santa’s bag and starts giving each misfit toy a little umbrella as a parachute as he sends it to gently drift down to its new home?  Next time you watch Rudolph pay close attention to the misfit bird.  Remember the bird is a misfit because it can swim BUT IT CANNOT FLY.  The Elf holds the umbrella in one hand and the bird in the other, then he pauses and lets go of the misfit swimming bird.  He waves “bye-bye” as the “bird” free falls toward the earth.  If Less Nessman was on the scene he would no doubt say the bird “hit the ground like a sack of wet cement.”

And all these years, you thought Rudolph was a nice, innocent, little story.

Thought for the Week

Like I said, the outside world is up to its ears in danger. ~ Sam the Snowman, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer