Monthly Archives: August 2019

Friday Funny August 30, 2019 That Town Was So Small

Happy Friday!  Happy Labor Day Weekend! Hopefully you were able to get out and go somewhere over the summer for a little vacation break.  Travel often takes through a variety of places including some small towns.  How small?  I am glad you asked.

Enjoy!

Baskin-Robbins only has three ice cream flavors.

You had to step out of the city limits in order to change your mind.

The nickname for the city jail is amoeba because it only has one cell.

McDonalds only has one Golden Arch and the nearest one is 15 miles away.

Instead of a 7-11 they have a 3.5 – 5.5.

The New Year’s baby was born in April.

The “Welcome To” and “Thanks for Visiting “ signs are frnt and back of the same sign.

You have to go to the next town to find 2nd Street..

A “Night on the Town” only takes about ten minutes.

The Subway restaurant that serves foot-long sandwiches cannot fit within the city limits.

You do not bother using  signal turns because everyone already knows where you are going.

Big social events are scheduled around when the high school gym floor is being varnished.

You call a wrong number and the person who answers can give you the correct number for the person you are trying to call..

There is no point in high-school reunions because everyone knows what everyone else is doing anyway.

School gets canceled for state sporting events.

It was cool to date someone from a different high-school.

The golf course had only three holes.

Anyone you are looking for can be found at either the Dairy Queen or Wal-Mart.

Directions are given using the one ad only stop light as a reference.

Weekend excitement involves a trip to the grocery store.

Your teachers remember when they taught your parents.

The best burgers in town are at the four-lane bowling ally. 

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

The three horrors of modern life — talk without meaning, desire without love, work without satisfaction. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic’s Notebook, 1960

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Friday Funny August 16, 2019 Jokes to Float Your Boat

Happy Friday!  We are coming into the home stretch of summer and that means many are using vacation time.  I hear a cruise is a nice vacation, so here are a few jokes to buoy your spirits.

Enjoy!

Do you have time for a joke about the world’s fastest cruise ship?  Don’t worry, it’s a quick one liner.

Is a zombie’s favorite activity on a cruise ship shuffleboard?

I hear the latest trend on cruise ships is to install trampolines in all the staterooms- apparently everyone is jumping on board.

You should you never start a conversation by talking about the Titanic.  It is a terrible ice breaker.

A passenger on a cruise ship calls the Purser’s desk and asks how he can get out of his cabin.
The Purser tells him to just open the door and walk out. The passengers replies that his cabin only has two doors. One door leads to the bathroom and the other has a “Do Not Disturb” sign on it.

A man is standing on a cruise ship deck, idly watching the water. On a nearby island, he spots somebody. He strains his eyes to see, and can make out that it is a very thin, dirty looking man with long, wild hair. He watches him jump up and down, wave, run along the beach and can even faintly make out that he man is yelling at the top of his lungs.

Intrigued, the Tourist turns to the Captain, who is standing nearby:

“So, what is up with that guy?”

The Captain shrugs. “I do not know, but he always seems pretty excited when we sail by.”

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same routine over and over again.However, the Captain had a parrot that saw the show every week and began to understand what the magician did in each and every trick. After a while, he started shouting in the middle of the show: 

“Squawk! Not the same hat!” 

“Squawk! Flowers under the table!” 

“Squawk! All cards Ace of Spades ?” 

The magician was furious but couldn’t do anything; it was the captain’s parrot, after all. 

One day the ship had an accident and sunk. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean, and of course the parrot was by his side. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for several days. 

After a week the parrot finally said: “Okay, I give up. What’d did you do with the ship??”

Thought for the Week

A vacation is what you take when you can no longer take what you’ve been taking. ~Earl Wilson

http://www.quotegarden.com

 

Friday Funny August 9, 2019 Memorable Commercial Slogans

Happy Friday!  This week I want to test your memory just a little bit.  See if you can recall the product that goes along with these classic commercial slogans.  Answers are at the bottom.

Enjoy! 

1.  A LITTLE DAB’LL DO YA  

2.  BE ALL YOU CAN BE

3.  BETCHA CAN’T EAT JUST ONE

4.  CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?

5.  DOES SHE…OR DOESN’T SHE?

6.  DON’T LEAVE HOME WITHOUT IT

7.  DOUBLE YOUR PLEASURE, DOUBLE YOUR FUN

8.  HAVE IT YOUR WAY

9.  GOOD TO THE LAST DROP

10.  I CAN’T BELIEVE I ATE THE WHOLE THING

11.  I LIKED IT SO MUCH, I BOUGHT THE COMPANY

12.  IT TAKES A LICKING AND KEEPS ON TICKING

13.  IT TAKES A TOUGH MAN TO MAKE A TENDER CHICKEN  

14.  IT’S THE REAL THING

15.  LET YOUR FINGERS DO THE WALKING

16.  LOOK MA, NO CAVITIES!

17.   PLOP, PLOP, FIZZ, FIZZ, OH WHAT A RELIEF IT IS

18.  PUT A TIGER IN YOUR TANK

19.  WE TRY HARDER

20.  WHEN YOU CARE ENOUGH TO SEND THE VERY BEST

21.  WHERE’S THE BEEF?

22.  TIME TO MAKE THE DOUGHNUTS

23.  STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN

24.  EVER EAT A PINE TREE?

25.  THEY’RE GR-R-R-R-EAT!

 

 

1.    Brylcreem

2.    The US Army

3.    Lays

4.     Verizon

5.    Clairol

6.     American Express

7.    Wrigley’s Doublemint

8.    Burger King

9.   Maxwell House

10.  Alka Seltzer

11.   Remington

12.  Timex

13.   Perdue

14.  Coca Cola

15.  Yellow Pages

16. Crest Toothpaste

17. Alka Seltzer

18. Esso/Exxon

19. Avis

20. Hallmark

21. Wendy’s

22. Dunkin’ Doughnuts

23. Secret

24. Post Grape Nuts

25. Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

The trouble with us in America isn’t that the poetry of life has turned to prose, but that it has turned to advertising copy. ~Louis Kronenberger

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Friday Funny August 2, 2019 Joke Potpourri

Happy Friday! Happy August!  Before summer completely slips away pause and enjoy a few jokes chosen especially for you.

Enjoy!!  

A woman had identical twins.  One of them was named ‘Amal’ and the other  was named ‘Juan.’  The father was excited and proud of both his sons; however, he only carried a picture of Juan with him to show to friends and family. One day a close friend mentioned that he would like to see a picture of Amal. The man responded, “they are identical twins. If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”

I went into a pet shop and asked for twelve bees. The shopkeeper counted out thirteen and handed them over.  “You’ve given me one too many,” I said.  He replied, “Well, that one is a freebie.”

I went to the library the other day and asked if they had any books about paranoia. The librarian glanced around and whispered “They’re right behind you.”

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick instead. She still isn’t talking to me.

I got my wife a new refrigerator  for her birthday. Her face lit up when she opened it.

Have you ever noticed that, if  you look really closely, all mirrors look like eyeballs?

I misplaced a mood ring I have had since the 1970’s and I am not quite sure how I feel about that.

I saw a story on the evening news where a cement mixer and a prison bus crashed on the highway. Police advised citizens to be on the lookout for a group of hardened criminals.

Would you call a monkey in a minefield a Baboom?

This woman went to see her doctor.  She appeared very worried stressed out. She tells the Doctor, “I don’t know what to do.  Take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What is WRONG with me??”  The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you one thing.  There is nothing wrong with your eyesight….”  

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

The sooner I fall behind, the more time I have to catch up. ~Author Unknown

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