Monthly Archives: December 2015

Friday Funny January 1, 2016 Happy New Year!

free-new-years-eve-clip-art-1

Welcome to 2016!  Another year full of opportunity and possibility.  Here is wishing you the best for the coming year.  

One of the staples of year-end is the countdown:  the top stories of the year, the top songs of the year and so forth.  So, I thought why not the top jokes of the year?  Unfortunately I don’t have that list, but here is “a list” of ten jokes.

Enjoy!

Why aren’t koalas actual bears?  They don’t meet the koalafications.

I went in to a pet shop. I said, “Can I buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”  I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”

How did the hipster burn his mouth?  He ate the pizza before it was cool.

What’s a pirates favorite letter?  You think it’s R but it be the C.

Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.  That’s just how I roll.

How do you make an egg-roll? You push it!

What did the cobbler say when a cat wandered into his shop?  Shoe!!

What do you do when you see a spaceman? PARK YOUR CAR, MAN

I used to be in a band, we were called ‘LOST DOG’. You probably saw our posters.

My boss called me into his office today. “We both know you’re not the brightest spark here, Leonard,” he said, “but over the last 8 years you’ve never been sick or late and I think you deserve a reward. So, how does a brand new car sound?” “Vrooom! Vrooooom!” I replied.

Thought for the Week

Be at War with your Vices, at Peace with your Neighbours, and let every New-Year find you a better Man. ~Quoted in Benjamin Franklin’s 1755 Poor Richard’s Almanac, December

http://www.quotegarden.com

 

Friday Funny December 25, 2015 The Day Before Christmas in the Digital Age

Sanata and Sleigh

Happy Friday and Merry Christmas to you!  One of the great things about this time of year is hearing songs you have sung for many Christmases and watching Christmas specials that you have enjoyed since you were a kid.  

This week I thought I would give you a special encore edition of a Friday Funny from 2009 (before I knew what a blog was).  So, with apologies to Clement Clarke Moore, here is my adaptation of his classic for the digital age.

Enjoy!

‘Twas the day before Christmas, when at my house

I was at the computer, moving the mouse;

It was time for another Friday Funny, does anyone care

If in the morning, the email inbox has a funny there?

Two of my boys were still nestled all snug in their beds,

While visions of homemade cookies danced in their heads;

While mamma was working, I was off for the day,

It seemed like there was nothing funny for me to say,

When out on the Internet there arose such a clatter,

I sprang to my browser to see what was the matter.

Away to another window I flew like a flash,

Hoping as always that my computer would not crash.

The back-lighting of the monitor produced a glow

Which gave a slight luster to objects below,

As I wondered from web site to web site what should appear,

But a miniature sleigh jpg, complete with reindeer,

With a little driver icon, so lively and quick, I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.

More rapid than dsl downloads his cursers they came,

And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;

“Now, Yahoo! now, Google! now, Facebook and Amazon!

On, ebay! on youtube! on, myspace and ask.com!

To the top of the screen! to the top of the wall!

Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!”

As deleted lines that before the backspace button fly,

When they meet with a click, mount to the sky,

So up to the screen-top the cursers they flew,

With a file full of toys, and St. Nicholas too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the speaker

The prancing and pawing of each little squeaker.

As I drew in my hand, and was scrolling around,

Downloading an mpeg, St. Nicholas came with a bound.

He was digitally dressed from his head to his foot,

And his clothes were photo-shopped with ashes and soot;

A bundle of toys he had superimposed on his back,

And he looked like a Trojan file just opening his pack.

His eyes — they pulsated! his dimples they grew!

His cheeks had roses painted on them, his nose was blue!

His droll little mouth transfigured to a bow,

And the beard of his chin turned into white snow;

His pipe was a tree stump he held tight in his teeth,

And the smoke wafted up and became a green wreath;

He had a broad face and a little round belly,

That shook, when he laughed and turned into jelly.

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,

And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;

Two winking eyes and a fast spinning head,

Soon gave me to know I had no virus to dread;

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,

He backed up my hard drive; then turned with a jerk,

And laying his finger aside of his nose,

And giving a nod, up the window he rose;

He sprang to his jpg, to his team gave a whistle,

And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.

But I heard him exclaim, ere he deleted his cookie from sight,

“Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.”

Thought for the Week
There has been only one Christmas – the rest are anniversaries. ~W.J. Cameron
http://www.quotegarden.com

Friday Funny December 18, 2015 The Funny Awakens

DSCF2908

Happy Friday!  If you need a break from the shopping and bustle of the Holiday Season, it appears that Lucas Film has an option just for you with the opening of “Star Wars: The Force Awakens.” If the idea of fighting the crowds this weekend to see a movie does not appeal to you then perhaps a nice Christmas Special enjoyed at  home might be more to your liking.  You could check out the only-aired-once Star Wars Holiday Special, it can be found on YouTube at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z4CtXcjib4o.  If you take time to watch it you will understand why it only aired once!  

In honor of another installation in the Star Wars saga, I have rounded up a baker’s dozen of Star Wars jokes guaranteed to be worse than the new movie.

Enjoy!

Q: Which program do Jedi use to open PDF files? A: Adobe Wan Kenobi

Q: What do you call a Jedi in denial? A: Obi-Wan Cannot Be.

Q: Why did Anakin Skywalker cross the road?  A: To get to the Dark Side.

Q:  What did Obi-Wan say to Luke when he had trouble using chopsticks? A:  “Luke, use the forks.”

Q: What do you call a pirate droid? A: Argh2-D2.

 Q: What do you call a Sith who won’t fight? A: A Sithy.

 Q: Where do Sith Lords go to do their Christmas shopping? A: To the Darth Maul.

Q: What do you call 5 Siths piled on top of a light saber? A: A Sith-Kabob!

Q: Which Star Wars character works at a restaurant? A: Darth Waiter

Q: What do you call a potato that has turned to the Dark side? A: Vader Tots.

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with Darth Vader? A: An ele-Vader.

Q: What’s the internal temperature of a tauntaun? A: Luke warm

Q: How did Vader know what Luke bought him for Christmas? A: He felt his presents.

Thought for the Week

“I find your lack of faith disturbing.” – Darth Vader

 

 

Friday Funny December 11, 2015 Reindeer Jokes

RUDOLPH

Happy Friday!  It is certainly beginning to look a lot like Christmas all around.  So, it seems like a good time to break out some reindeer jokes and if a reindeer was telling going to tell you this jokes he might preface it by saying that these will “sleigh” you!

Enjoy!

Why don’t you see many reindeer at the zoo?  They cannot afford the admission price!

What does Rudolph want for Christmas? A pony sleigh station!

What do reindeer hang on their Christmas trees? “Horn”-aments!

What’s red and green and guides Santa’s sleigh? Rudolph the red-nosed pickle!

Did you hear that one of Santa’s reindeer also works as a maid? Yup! Comet, he cleans sinks!

Which reindeer has the cleanest antlers? Comet!

What do you call a blind reindeer? No eye deer

What do you call a reindeer with three eyes? Reiiindeer

What do you call a reindeer with three legs?  Eileen

How do you make a reindeer fast?  Stop feeding it.

Why do reindeer wear fur coats? Because they look silly in snow suits!

Did Santa’s reindeer go to school? No, they are “elf”-taught!

What do you give a reindeer with an upset tummy? “Elk”-a-seltzer!

How do you get into Donner’s house? You ring the “deer”-bell!

What’s red and white and gives presents to gazelles? Santelope!

How many reindeer does it take to change a light bulb? Eight! One to screw in the light bulb and seven to hold Rudolph down! 

Which reindeer has the least popular holiday get together?  It has to be the Donner party.

Thought for the Week

‘Unless we make Christmas an occasion to share our blessings, all the snow in Alaska won’t make it white.’
Bing Crosby

Friday Funny December 4, 2015 Restructuring at the North Pole

santa

Happy Friday!  You have survived Thanksgiving and Black Friday!  Hopefully most (all) of the turkey leftovers have been consumed and  you are ready to move ahead into the Holiday Season.  

We know that all business have to change and adapt and sometimes the changes can be painful, even at the North Pole. (This has circulating for a number of years, but I have added a few tweaks).

Enjoy!

CORPORATE MEMO

To:         All Staff

Date:       December 4

Subject:    New “Twelve Days of Christmas” Policy

As you have probably heard, Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package.  This, in turn, has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.

Due to the North Pole’s loss of dominance in the season’s gift distribution business, there is a need for streamlining. Amazon and ebay as well as online shopping continue to diminish Santa’s market share. He and the Board could no longer sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.

The reindeer downsizing was made possible, in part, through a long-term lease and purchase agreement of a lighter, more efficient Chinese sled for the CEO’s annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who spent the summer at the Harvard Business School studying team building techniques, is also anticipated. This should result in an additional benefit of reducing the carbon footprint of our operations which have come under increasing governmental scrutiny.

We are pleased to inform you that Rudolph’s role will not be disturbed.  Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole!

In regard to Rudolf, management denies, in the strongest possible terms, the rumor that his red nose was due to substance abuse. Calling Rudolph “a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load” was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa’s helpers and taken out of context at a time of the year when they are known to be under ‘executive stress’.

As for further restructuring, today’s global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the “Twelve Days of Christmas” music subsidiary:

1) The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never produced the cash crop expected, will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance;

2) Two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost-effective.  In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated;

3) The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French;

4) The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;

5) The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors.  Due to the extended slide in the price of this commodity, management his considering liquidating its position in gold and using the loss to offset this year’s tax burden.  Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of dividend-yielding and growth stocks appears to be in order;

6) The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good one.  In a related note, look for stuffed goose offerings to appear in the company cafeteria this holiday season;

7) The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing their outplacement;

8) As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. There have been complaints for some time that this a dead-end job with little chance of upward mobility. Automation of much of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-marketing or a-accounting;

9) Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps;

10) Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords, plus the expense of international air travel, prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen in the near future;

11) Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which should accrue to the bottom line;

Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved. The functionality of drones is also under study with early results showing a lot of promise.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the bar association seeking expansion to include the legal profession (“thirteen lawyers-a-suing”), management has no comment at this time.

Unfortunately, deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.

Happy Holidays to all!!

Thought for the Week

“Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn’t before! What if Christmas, he thought, doesn’t come from a store. What if Christmas…perhaps…means a little bit more!”
Dr. Seuss, How the Grinch Stole Christmas!