Category Archives: baseball

Friday Funny June 25, 2021 Hey Mr. Umpire!

Happy Friday! I have finally been able to return as a spectator to the old ball yard. It is always great to get some peanuts, to root-root-root for the home team and to heckle the umpire! In case you need a little assistance in preparing for your return to baseball, I am here to help with some ready made heckling!


  • Hey Mr. Umpire……

Did you lose your strike zone in the lights?

You make more bad calls than a telemarketer!

I’ve heard better calls at a square dance!

You couldn’t call a cab!

It sure sounded like a strike!

I’ve seen potatoes with better eyes!

For a guy that only works 3 hours a day, you’re doing a pretty bad job!

You couldn’t see the plate if your dinner was on it!

Did you leave your prescription mask at the hotel?

LensCrafters called…they’ll be ready in 30 min.

That pitch was so far outside it had a hat and coat on!

You couldn’t recognize a strike in a bowling alley!

That pitch was so inside it took out his appendix!

You’ve been calling that a strike all day long, don’t get a conscience now!


“How can you not get romantic about baseball?” ~ Billy Beane, Moneyball

Brushes With Fame: Don Mattingly

The odd 2020 baseball season (but then isn’t everything in 2020 odd?) is coming to an end and as I write this, Game 6 of the World Series is taking place.

The Miami Marlins was a team that faced more adversity than probably any other team during the 2020 season.  Little was expected of them after enduring back-to-back last-place finishes from 2018-19.  Most experts expected them to stay in the cellar for 2020., However, against the odds, Manager Don Mattingly led them to the postseason despite a COVID-19 outbreak, which landed 18 players on the injured list in the first week of the season.  Over the course of the 60 game season, the Marlins ended up making 174 roster moves and used a total of 61 players.

Manager Don Mattingly was rewarded by being named the National League Manager of the Year.  Mattingly was an outstanding player in his 14 season with the New York Yankees; however his postseason career consisted of games in 1995.

My brush with fame and “Donnie Baseball” occurred in 1990.  Mattingly was born and raised in Evansville, Indiana.  Back in the 90’s he still spent time in Evansville and owned a restaurant, Mattingly’s 23.  1990 was a difficult year personally and in the fall was working a job at a bank during the day and took a second job at the Evansville Airport in the evenings and weekends.  One day I had the opportunity to carry Mr. Mattingly’s bags from the luggage carousal to his car.  I would have loved to have received an autograph for my effort,  but alas I did not have any paper or a pen on me.  He did; however, give me $10 for my trouble and at that time I could definitely put the $10 to better use than I could an autograph.  The $10 is long gone, but I have a feeling that I would have kept the autograph.  But at least I can say that I met “Donnie Baseball.”

Friday Funny March 26, 2020 Baseball Quotations

Happy Friday! Hoping this finds you and yours healthy and coping in these challenging days.  Today was to be the start of the 2020 baseball season, but like so many things at the moment that is on hold.  So, a few memorable baseball quotations will have to do for now.

Enjoy and Stay Healthy!

Nothing flatters me more than to have it assumed that I could write prose, unless it be to have it assumed that I once pitched a baseball with distinction. ~Robert Frost

No game in the world is as tidy and dramatically neat as baseball, with cause and effect, crime and punishment, motive and result, so cleanly defined. ~ Paul Gallico

I don’t want to play golf. When I hit a ball, I want someone else to go chase it. ~ Rogers Hornsby

Yesterday’s home runs don’t win today’s games. ~ Babe Ruth

You can sum up the game of baseball in one word: ‘You never know.’ ~ Joaquin Andujar

The two most important things in life are good friends and a strong bullpen. ~ Bob Lemon

Baseball is a skilled game. It’s America’s game – it, and high taxes. ~ Will Rogers

Finish last in your league and they call you idiot. Finish last in medical school and they call you doctor. ~ Abe Lemons

There are two theories on hitting the knuckleball. Unfortunately, neither of them work. ~Charley Lau

Slump? I ain’t in no slump… I just ain’t hitting. ~ Yogi Berra

Now there’s three things you can do in a baseball game: You can win or you can lose or it can rain. ~ Casey Stengel

No matter how good you are, you’re going to lose one-third of your games. No matter how bad you are you’re going to win one-third of your games. It’s the other third that makes the difference. ~Tommy Lasorda

Baseball is the only major sport that appears backwards in a mirror. ~ George Carlin

If you don’t succeed at first, try pitching. ~ Jack Harshman

He’s got power enough to hit home-runs in any park, including Yellowstone. ~ Sparky Anderson on Willie Stargell

Baseball is like driving, it’s the one who gets home safely that counts. ~ Tommy Lasorda


It breaks your heart. It is designed to break your heart. The game begins in spring, when everything else begins again, and it blossoms in the summer, filling the afternoons and evenings, and then as soon as the chill rains come, it stops and leaves you to face the fall alone. ~ A. Bartlett Giamatti

Friday Funny October 4, 2019 Over the Hill

Happy Friday!  Happy October!  I recently celebrated a birthday which has reminded me that I am not as young as I used to be.  How do I know?  Well there are a lot signs to let one know.


You Know You’re Getting Old When…

Your joints provide more accurate forecasts than The Weather Channel which is the only station you watch these days.

You can pull a muscle while driving a car.

You have some clothes that you kept when they went out of style – they have come back into style and gone out again.

You have actually worn a leisure suit (thankfully, that one is never coming back in style.)

You know what a punch card is.

You can remember life without a cell phone.

You have developed an appreciation for mulch.

When talking to you doctors often throw in the phrase, “considering your age.”

You remember a time when the milkman, the bread man and the TV repairman came to your house.

You are in a conversation about a song and you say, “it had a good beat, you can dance to it, I’ll give it an 85.”

The hospital you were born at, the elementary school you attended and the high school you graduated from have all been torn down.

The twinkle in your eye is only the reflection of the sun on your bifocals.

It takes twice as long to look half as good.

You look forward to a dull evening.

Your mind makes contracts your body can’t keep. 

You look for your glasses for half-an-hour, then find they’ve been on your head all the time.

You begin every other sentence with, “Back in my day.. “ or “When I was your age…”

You sing along with the elevator music.

You are proud of your lawn mower.

 Your secrets are safe with your friends because either they cannot hear you or they cannot remember what you tell them.

It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired. 

Your childhood toys are now in a museum.

You frequently find yourself telling people about buying a candy bar or a pack of baseball cards for a nickel.

You know the answers, but nobody asks you the questions anymore.

You enjoy hearing about other people’s operations. 

Your last car cost more than your first house.
If you still had your first car in mint condition, it would be worth more than your current house.

Everything hurts and what doesn’t hurt, doesn’t work. 

You actually know what is in your 401K. 

You own a metal detector. 

You scout for a warmer place to spend the long, cold winters. 

Youthful injuries return with a vengeance. 

A ‘late night’ now ends at 10 pm. 

“You are as young as you feel” sounds rather ominous.


Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter. ~Leroy “Satchel” Paige  http://WWW.QUOTEGARDEN.COM


Friday Funny March 29, 2019 Baseball Is A Funny Game

Happy Friday and welcome to the 2019 baseball season!  With the start of the season, it seemed like a great time to share some baseball quotes.


“I’m glad I don’t play anymore. I could never learn all of those handshakes.”-Phil Rizzuto

 It ain’t nothin’ till I call it. — Bill Klem, Legendary Major League Baseball umpire

Beethoven can’t really be great because he never had his picture on a bubble gum card. — Lucy van Pelt (Peanuts)

“Things could be worse. Suppose your errors were counted and published every day, like those of a baseball player.” ~ Author Unknown

“A baseball game is simply a nervous breakdown divided into nine innings.” ~ Earl Wilson 

“Baseball is a skilled game. It’s America’s game – it, and high taxes.” ~ Will Rogers 

“Baseball players are smarter than football players. How often do you see a baseball team penalized for too many men on the field?” ~ Jim Bouton 

“The thing I like about baseball is that it’s one-on-one. You stand up there alone, and if you make a mistake, it’s your mistake. If you hit a home run, it’s your home run.” — Hank Aaron

“The key to winning baseball games is pitching, fundamentals, and three-run homers.” – Earl Weaver

“There are three things you can do in a baseball game. You can win, or you can lose, or it can rain.” – Casey Stengel

Thought for the Week

“The baseball mania has run its course. It has no future as a professional endeavor.” — Cincinnati Gazette editorial, 1879

Friday Funny November 4, 2016 Heading Home


Happy Friday!  If you are a Cubs fan, it has been a great week for you as “the curse” has finally been put to rest.  As the glory of the 2016 World Series fades, I wanted to leave you with some baseball thoughts to keep you warm through the coming cold winter months.  Spring training is less than four months away!


You can describe baseball in one word: ‘Youneverknow.’- Joaquin Andujar

The baseball mania has run its course. It has no future as a professional endeavor. — Cincinnati Gazette editorial, 1879

The secret of managing is to keep the guys who hate you away from the guys who are undecided.
– Casey Stengel

There comes a time in every man’s life and I’ve had many of them. – Casey Stengel

See that fella over there? He’s 20 years old. In 10 years, he’s got a chance to be a star. Now that fella over there, he’s 20 years old, too. In 10 years he’s got a chance to be 30.
– Casey Stengel

I remember one time going out to the mound to talk with Bob Gibson. He told me to get back behind the plate where I belonged, and that the only thing I knew about pitching was that I couldn’t hit it. – Tim McCarver

I have only one superstition. I touch all the bases when I hit a home run.
– Babe Ruth

I’ve had pretty good success with Stan by throwing him my best pitch and backing up third. – Carl Erskine, on how to pitch to Stan Musial: 

I got my faults but living in the past is not one of them … there’s no future in it. – Sparky Anderson

Baseball is almost the only orderly thing in a very unorderly world. If you get three strikes, even the best lawyer in the world can’t get you off.
– Bill Veeck

Baseball players are smarter than football players. How often do you see a baseball team penalized for too many players on the field? – Jim Bouton

There are two theories on hitting the knuckleball … unfortunately, neither of them works. – Charlie Lau

The way to catch a knuckleball is to wait for it to stop rolling and then pick it up. – Bob Uecker

It’s tough to make predictions, especially about the future. – Yogi Berra

Thought for the Week

I’ve seen the future, and it’s much like the present, only longer.
– Dan Quizzenberry

History On Deck


We are on the verge of history.  Within the next few weeks, we will witness something that has not happened in over fifty years (the Cleveland Indians winning the World Series) or something that has not happened in over 100 years (the Chicago Cubs winning the World Series).  Either way, it will be a memorable and historical World Series.  Yet, baseball is not what it was one hundred years ago of what it was even fifty years ago.   While Baseball has been called America’s pastime, it appears that baseball is past its prime.  The juggernaut known as the NFL is the king of the ratings and the dollars these days. It has been said that Baseball is too slow, its games to long, there are too many games a week and too many weeks in a season.  Football is in, have a party on Sunday and watch the game.

A number of years ago comedian George Carlin developed a routine that involved drawing comparisons between football and baseball.  Among his observations was that baseball is played on a diamond while football was played on a gridiron, in a stadium.  He noted that football has hitting, clipping, spearing, piling on, personal fouls, late hitting and unnecessary roughness while baseball has the sacrifice.  He noted that the objectives were different in football the object is for the quarterback to march his troops into enemy territory, using an aerial assault and ground attack that punches holes in the forward wall of the enemy’s defensive line while in baseball the object is to arrive safely at home.  He also noted that baseball begins n the spring, the season of new life while football begins in the fall, when everything’s dying.  Mr. Carlin made an impressive argument for the superiority of football to be THE game for America. 

However, George Carlin is not the only one to write about baseball.  The late Baseball Commission A. Bartlett Giamatti also noted that baseball begins in the spring – he wrote that baseball breaks your heart by design.  “The game begins in the spring, when everything else begins again, and it blossoms in the summer, filling the afternoons and evenings, and then as soon as the chill rains come, it stops and leaves you to face the fall alone.”  

Mr Giamatti also pondered the point at which a runner begins and ends his journey.  He wondered why wasn’t it fourth base? Why was it home?  And perhaps therein lies the real magic and meaning of the game called baseball.  Mr. Giamatti who had served as a professor of English Renaissance literature and as the President of Yale University noted that “home is an English word virtually impossible to translate into other tongues. No translation catches the associations, the mixture of memory and longing, the sense of security and autonomy, the accessibility, the aroma of inclusiveness, the freedom from wariness, that cling to the word home, that are absent from ‘house’ or even ‘my house.’ Home is a concept, not a place, a state of mind where self-definition starts; it is origins. A mix of time and place and smell and weather wherein one first realizes that one is an original — perhaps like others, especially those one loves, but discreet, distinct, not to be copied. Home is where one first learned to be separate, and it remains in the mind as the place where reunion, if it were ever to occur, would happen.”

In football a team marches down the field, as a unit, in conquest.  In baseball a batter starts a solitary journey at home and hopes that, with the aid of his teammates each facing his own obstacles alone, he will return home again and join his teammates.  This is the American dream –  not to make it all alone, but to survive in the face of individual trials and thrive with the aid of others.

Political commentator George Will is an avid baseball fan and has written a few books on baseball.  He has noted that “baseball is what we were, football is what we have become.”  This appears to be all too true.  Mr. Will has also commented that “football combines the two worst aspects of American life:  violence punctuated by committee meetings.”

One of my favorite baseball movies is “Field of Dreams.”   When I think of the essence of baseball, I think about the scene towards the end of the movie when the character Terrence Mann convinces Ray that people will come.  He says, “The one constant through all the years, Ray, has been baseball. America has rolled by like an army of steam rollers. It’s been erased like a blackboard, rebuilt, and erased again. But baseball has marked the time. This field, this game, is a part of our past, Ray. It reminds us of all that once was good, and it could be again. Oh, people will come, Ray. People will most definitely come.”

Perhaps all of us, as we get older, begin to long for yesterday when things were different and more familiar.  Lately and particularly during this 2016 political campaign, I prefer to be reminded of what was once good and could be again, I prefer what we were to what we have become.

Friday Funny September 9, 2016 Are You Ready for Some Football?


Happy Friday!  Summer is over, school is back in session and professional football is back for another season.  So, let’s kick off this Friday with some football jokes.


Two football fans were talking as they approached the stadium before the game…

First fan:”I wish I’d brought the piano to the stadium.”

Second fan: “That’s ridiculous, why would you bring a piano to the football game?”

First fan: “Well, that is where I left the tickets.”


Three Browns fans were talking about the sad state of their team. 

The first fan lamented… “I blame the owner; if we could sign better players, we’d be a great team.”

The second fan lamented… “I blame the players; if they made more effort, I’m sure we would score more points.”

The third fan lamented… “I blame my parents; if I had been born someplace else, I’d be rooting for a decent team.”


The Eagles are having a meeting on the eve of a game with the Browns. The coach says, “Look guys, I know the Browns are terrible, but we have to play them or else we get in trouble with the NFL.”

The quarterback chimes in, “I’ve got an idea why don’t you guys all just sleep in, stay at the hotel and relax and let me play them on my own?  They’re such a bad team it shouldn’t be a problem.”

  “Brilliant Idea!” the coach says. “Let’s do that!”

On the day of the game, the team relaxes by the pool, and the coach decides to check the score. He turns on the television and the announcer says: “It’s the Eagles 7 and the Browns 0 at the end of the 1st quarter.”   The whole team cheers.

About 4:00 the coach decides to check the final score.  The announcer comes on again.   “I can’t believe this but the Browns scored on the final play of the fourth quarter and converted the two points to win 8 to 7!” “What in the world went wrong?!” screams the coach.

He quickly jumps into a cab to the stadium. He rushes in to find the QB sitting in the dressing room with his head in his hands.   “Well, what happened?” asks the coach.   The QB shakes his head. “I had it all under control,” he says.  “Everything was going according to plan, but then I got hurt in the second quarter and had to come out of the game….”

Thought for the Week

Speed, strength, and the inability to register pain immediately.  ~Reggie Williams, when asked his greatest strengths as a football player


How Many Firsts Can There Be?


If you arrive early to a baseball game, you will probably see a ceremonial first pitch.  This is a longstanding ritual of baseball where a guest of honor throws a ball to mark the end of pregame festivities and the start of the game.  The guest might be a local or national politician, a distinguished military veteran, a widely or not-so-wildly known celebrity, or someone representing the business that paid for that night’s promotional item. 

The ceremonial first pitch is, I imagine, a big thrill for the person who get to throw it and gives those in attendance something to watch for a moment while waiting for the game to begin.  I have no problem with the ceremonial first pitch, it is a nice tradition that belongs to baseball.  However, many games I have gone to do not only have a ceremonial first pitch, they have multiple ceremonial first pitches.

By definition, how can there be more than one ceremonial first pitch?  Wouldn’t that make it a ceremonial first pitch, a ceremonial second pitch, a ceremonial third pitch, etc? I imagine they do not want to hurt anyone’s feelings by having them throw out a ceremonial pitch that is not “first.”

Fortunately I have a solution.  There is usually about thirty minutes or more between the time the visiting team finishes batting practice and the time the game begins.  There are usually a number of fans that have nothing to do during this time, so why not entertain the fans with some sort of competition between those who will be throwing out ceremonial pitches to determine the order that the pitches are given.  This would provide a degree of pride and meaning to the ceremonial first pitch.   There are many possibilities:  the prospective pitches could have a race around the bases to find out who is fastest.  There could be a sunflower seed spitting contest judging distance and accuracy.  Maybe a sliding contest with the fans judging style points.  Perhaps contests of who could eat the most hot dog, who could throw a bag of peanuts, who could stuff the most snow cones in their shirt, just let one’s imagination run wild.  It would fill in that time between batting practice and the start of the game and the person who threw out the first ceremonial pitch would be proud of his or her accomplishment.