Category Archives: baseball

Friday Funny April 8, 2022 Baseball Jokes for Opening Weekend

Happy Friday! Flowers are started to bloom, trees are started to leaf out and baseball is back. So let’s lead off the weekend with some baseball jokes.

Enjoy!

If the Kool-aid Man was on your baseball team would he be a Relief Pitcher?

I heard about an opera singer who made it to the big leagues – seems he had perfect pitch.

I wanted to wear Adidas to play baseball, but they would not let me bat – apparently it is three stripes and you’re out.

Things have gotten ridiculous, my son’s youth baseball game was rained out and they gave him a precipitation trophy.

The other day I saw a giant mouse so I tried killing it with a baseball bat – now I have a lifetime ban from Disneyworld.

I heard about a baseball player who went to the local library.  He was only there five minutes; it was a short stop.

If you crossed a tree with a baseball player, would you get Babe Root?

If a baseball player wanted to make a bake a cake would he use oven mitts, bundt pans and batter?

Did you hear about the baseball player who tried to wash his socks in the bleachers?

I heard that Mario Mendoza shut down his website because he was not getting enough hits.

If you crossed a baseball pitcher with a carpet would you get throw rug?

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Every strike brings me closer to the next home run.” ~ Babe Ruth

Friday Funny March 11, 2022 Baseball Through The Eyes Of Bob Uecker

Happy Friday! With all the stuff going on in the world, baseball is a pretty trivial thing.  However, sometimes a little distraction from all that is going on is nice.  The baseball players and owners have reached an agreement and soon the crack of the bat will again be heard as players get active in spring training. So, let’s turn to one of the sages of baseball this week for some quotations from Bob Uecker.

Enjoy!

“I knew when my career was over. In 1965, my baseball card came out with no picture.”

“The best way to catch a knuckleball is to wait until the ball stops rolling and then pick it up.”

“I set records that will never be equaled. In fact, I hope 90% of them don’t even get printed.”

“They said I was such a great prospect that they were sending me to a winter league to sharpen up. When I stepped off the plane, I was in Greenland.”

“I had a great shoe contract and glove contract with a company who paid me a lot of money never to be seen using their stuff.”

“Career highlights? I had two. I got an intentional walk from Sandy Koufax and I got out of a rundown against the Mets.”

“I led the league in go get ’em next time.”

“When I looked to the third base coach for a sign, he turned his back on me.”

“In 1962 I was named Minor League Player of the Year. It was my second season in the bigs.”

“Baseball hasn’t forgotten me. I go to a lot of old-timers games and I haven’t lost a thing. I sit in the bullpen and let people throw things at me. Just like old times.”

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Baseball, it is said, is only a game. True. And the Grand Canyon is only a hole in Arizona. Not all holes, or games, are created equal.” ~ George F. Will (American Newspaper Columnist, Writer, and Journalist)

You’ve Got Three Minutes

It was sad to learn last week of the passing of the Father of one of my childhood friends. Mr. Earl Collier was a fairly big man who seemed even larger when I was young. He had two sons, Jim who was the age of my older brother Mike and Rick who was a year behind me in school. We used to play football in his yard, Rick, Chuck (Rick’s cousin who was my age and lived behind the Collier’s) and me against Jim and my brother. We came home covered in mud many times after those football games.

However, my most vivid memory of Mr. Collier is related to baseball. Jim and Mike had taken Rick and I to the Little League fields behind Hara Arena for some extra practice, I think it was on a Sunday afternoon in the days long before cell phones. The four of us were out on the field and I am sure Jim and Mike were teaching Rick and me the finer points of the game and we were the only ones out there that afternoon.

In the midst of our fun, we see a car approaching, it kicked up some dust as it moved from the paved Hara Arena parking lot to the gravel parking lot of the Shiloh-Ft. McKinley Little League. As the car got closer we could recognize it as Mr. Collier’s vehicle. The car stopped at the end of the gravel lot, out beyond the outfield while we were around Homeplate.

Apparently Jim and Rick were expected back home at a certain time and that time had passed. I can still see Mr. Collier getting out of the vehicle, looking towards us and bellowing, “You’ve got three minutes to get home and two of them are already gone!”

Mr. Collier got back in the car and left as quickly as he came and, needless to say Jim and Rick scurried as quickly as they could back home.

Friday Funny June 25, 2021 Hey Mr. Umpire!

Happy Friday! I have finally been able to return as a spectator to the old ball yard. It is always great to get some peanuts, to root-root-root for the home team and to heckle the umpire! In case you need a little assistance in preparing for your return to baseball, I am here to help with some ready made heckling!

Enjoy!

  • Hey Mr. Umpire……

Did you lose your strike zone in the lights?

You make more bad calls than a telemarketer!

I’ve heard better calls at a square dance!

You couldn’t call a cab!

It sure sounded like a strike!

I’ve seen potatoes with better eyes!

For a guy that only works 3 hours a day, you’re doing a pretty bad job!

You couldn’t see the plate if your dinner was on it!

Did you leave your prescription mask at the hotel?

LensCrafters called…they’ll be ready in 30 min.

That pitch was so far outside it had a hat and coat on!

You couldn’t recognize a strike in a bowling alley!

That pitch was so inside it took out his appendix!

You’ve been calling that a strike all day long, don’t get a conscience now!

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“How can you not get romantic about baseball?” ~ Billy Beane, Moneyball

Brushes With Fame: Don Mattingly

The odd 2020 baseball season (but then isn’t everything in 2020 odd?) is coming to an end and as I write this, Game 6 of the World Series is taking place.

The Miami Marlins was a team that faced more adversity than probably any other team during the 2020 season.  Little was expected of them after enduring back-to-back last-place finishes from 2018-19.  Most experts expected them to stay in the cellar for 2020., However, against the odds, Manager Don Mattingly led them to the postseason despite a COVID-19 outbreak, which landed 18 players on the injured list in the first week of the season.  Over the course of the 60 game season, the Marlins ended up making 174 roster moves and used a total of 61 players.

Manager Don Mattingly was rewarded by being named the National League Manager of the Year.  Mattingly was an outstanding player in his 14 season with the New York Yankees; however his postseason career consisted of games in 1995.

My brush with fame and “Donnie Baseball” occurred in 1990.  Mattingly was born and raised in Evansville, Indiana.  Back in the 90’s he still spent time in Evansville and owned a restaurant, Mattingly’s 23.  1990 was a difficult year personally and in the fall was working a job at a bank during the day and took a second job at the Evansville Airport in the evenings and weekends.  One day I had the opportunity to carry Mr. Mattingly’s bags from the luggage carousal to his car.  I would have loved to have received an autograph for my effort,  but alas I did not have any paper or a pen on me.  He did; however, give me $10 for my trouble and at that time I could definitely put the $10 to better use than I could an autograph.  The $10 is long gone, but I have a feeling that I would have kept the autograph.  But at least I can say that I met “Donnie Baseball.”

Friday Funny March 26, 2020 Baseball Quotations

Happy Friday! Hoping this finds you and yours healthy and coping in these challenging days.  Today was to be the start of the 2020 baseball season, but like so many things at the moment that is on hold.  So, a few memorable baseball quotations will have to do for now.

Enjoy and Stay Healthy!

Nothing flatters me more than to have it assumed that I could write prose, unless it be to have it assumed that I once pitched a baseball with distinction. ~Robert Frost

No game in the world is as tidy and dramatically neat as baseball, with cause and effect, crime and punishment, motive and result, so cleanly defined. ~ Paul Gallico

I don’t want to play golf. When I hit a ball, I want someone else to go chase it. ~ Rogers Hornsby

Yesterday’s home runs don’t win today’s games. ~ Babe Ruth

You can sum up the game of baseball in one word: ‘You never know.’ ~ Joaquin Andujar

The two most important things in life are good friends and a strong bullpen. ~ Bob Lemon

Baseball is a skilled game. It’s America’s game – it, and high taxes. ~ Will Rogers

Finish last in your league and they call you idiot. Finish last in medical school and they call you doctor. ~ Abe Lemons

There are two theories on hitting the knuckleball. Unfortunately, neither of them work. ~Charley Lau

Slump? I ain’t in no slump… I just ain’t hitting. ~ Yogi Berra

Now there’s three things you can do in a baseball game: You can win or you can lose or it can rain. ~ Casey Stengel

No matter how good you are, you’re going to lose one-third of your games. No matter how bad you are you’re going to win one-third of your games. It’s the other third that makes the difference. ~Tommy Lasorda

Baseball is the only major sport that appears backwards in a mirror. ~ George Carlin

If you don’t succeed at first, try pitching. ~ Jack Harshman

He’s got power enough to hit home-runs in any park, including Yellowstone. ~ Sparky Anderson on Willie Stargell

Baseball is like driving, it’s the one who gets home safely that counts. ~ Tommy Lasorda

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

It breaks your heart. It is designed to break your heart. The game begins in spring, when everything else begins again, and it blossoms in the summer, filling the afternoons and evenings, and then as soon as the chill rains come, it stops and leaves you to face the fall alone. ~ A. Bartlett Giamatti

Friday Funny October 4, 2019 Over the Hill

Happy Friday!  Happy October!  I recently celebrated a birthday which has reminded me that I am not as young as I used to be.  How do I know?  Well there are a lot signs to let one know.

Enjoy!

You Know You’re Getting Old When…

Your joints provide more accurate forecasts than The Weather Channel which is the only station you watch these days.

You can pull a muscle while driving a car.

You have some clothes that you kept when they went out of style – they have come back into style and gone out again.

You have actually worn a leisure suit (thankfully, that one is never coming back in style.)

You know what a punch card is.

You can remember life without a cell phone.

You have developed an appreciation for mulch.

When talking to you doctors often throw in the phrase, “considering your age.”

You remember a time when the milkman, the bread man and the TV repairman came to your house.

You are in a conversation about a song and you say, “it had a good beat, you can dance to it, I’ll give it an 85.”

The hospital you were born at, the elementary school you attended and the high school you graduated from have all been torn down.

The twinkle in your eye is only the reflection of the sun on your bifocals.

It takes twice as long to look half as good.

You look forward to a dull evening.

Your mind makes contracts your body can’t keep. 

You look for your glasses for half-an-hour, then find they’ve been on your head all the time.

You begin every other sentence with, “Back in my day.. “ or “When I was your age…”

You sing along with the elevator music.

You are proud of your lawn mower.

 Your secrets are safe with your friends because either they cannot hear you or they cannot remember what you tell them.

It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired. 

Your childhood toys are now in a museum.

You frequently find yourself telling people about buying a candy bar or a pack of baseball cards for a nickel.

You know the answers, but nobody asks you the questions anymore.

You enjoy hearing about other people’s operations. 

Your last car cost more than your first house.
 
If you still had your first car in mint condition, it would be worth more than your current house.

Everything hurts and what doesn’t hurt, doesn’t work. 

You actually know what is in your 401K. 

You own a metal detector. 

You scout for a warmer place to spend the long, cold winters. 

Youthful injuries return with a vengeance. 

A ‘late night’ now ends at 10 pm. 

“You are as young as you feel” sounds rather ominous.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter. ~Leroy “Satchel” Paige  http://WWW.QUOTEGARDEN.COM

 

Friday Funny March 29, 2019 Baseball Is A Funny Game

Happy Friday and welcome to the 2019 baseball season!  With the start of the season, it seemed like a great time to share some baseball quotes.

Enjoy!

“I’m glad I don’t play anymore. I could never learn all of those handshakes.”-Phil Rizzuto

 It ain’t nothin’ till I call it. — Bill Klem, Legendary Major League Baseball umpire

Beethoven can’t really be great because he never had his picture on a bubble gum card. — Lucy van Pelt (Peanuts)

“Things could be worse. Suppose your errors were counted and published every day, like those of a baseball player.” ~ Author Unknown

“A baseball game is simply a nervous breakdown divided into nine innings.” ~ Earl Wilson 

“Baseball is a skilled game. It’s America’s game – it, and high taxes.” ~ Will Rogers 

“Baseball players are smarter than football players. How often do you see a baseball team penalized for too many men on the field?” ~ Jim Bouton 

“The thing I like about baseball is that it’s one-on-one. You stand up there alone, and if you make a mistake, it’s your mistake. If you hit a home run, it’s your home run.” — Hank Aaron

“The key to winning baseball games is pitching, fundamentals, and three-run homers.” – Earl Weaver

“There are three things you can do in a baseball game. You can win, or you can lose, or it can rain.” – Casey Stengel

Thought for the Week

“The baseball mania has run its course. It has no future as a professional endeavor.” — Cincinnati Gazette editorial, 1879

Friday Funny November 4, 2016 Heading Home

baseball

Happy Friday!  If you are a Cubs fan, it has been a great week for you as “the curse” has finally been put to rest.  As the glory of the 2016 World Series fades, I wanted to leave you with some baseball thoughts to keep you warm through the coming cold winter months.  Spring training is less than four months away!

Enjoy!

You can describe baseball in one word: ‘Youneverknow.’- Joaquin Andujar

The baseball mania has run its course. It has no future as a professional endeavor. — Cincinnati Gazette editorial, 1879

The secret of managing is to keep the guys who hate you away from the guys who are undecided.
– Casey Stengel

There comes a time in every man’s life and I’ve had many of them. – Casey Stengel

See that fella over there? He’s 20 years old. In 10 years, he’s got a chance to be a star. Now that fella over there, he’s 20 years old, too. In 10 years he’s got a chance to be 30.
– Casey Stengel

I remember one time going out to the mound to talk with Bob Gibson. He told me to get back behind the plate where I belonged, and that the only thing I knew about pitching was that I couldn’t hit it. – Tim McCarver

I have only one superstition. I touch all the bases when I hit a home run.
– Babe Ruth

I’ve had pretty good success with Stan by throwing him my best pitch and backing up third. – Carl Erskine, on how to pitch to Stan Musial: 

I got my faults but living in the past is not one of them … there’s no future in it. – Sparky Anderson

Baseball is almost the only orderly thing in a very unorderly world. If you get three strikes, even the best lawyer in the world can’t get you off.
– Bill Veeck

Baseball players are smarter than football players. How often do you see a baseball team penalized for too many players on the field? – Jim Bouton

There are two theories on hitting the knuckleball … unfortunately, neither of them works. – Charlie Lau

The way to catch a knuckleball is to wait for it to stop rolling and then pick it up. – Bob Uecker

It’s tough to make predictions, especially about the future. – Yogi Berra

Thought for the Week

I’ve seen the future, and it’s much like the present, only longer.
– Dan Quizzenberry