Friday Funny July 13, 2018 Cashing In On Humor

Happy Friday and Happy Friday the 13th!  For some Friday means payday so here are some money related jokes you can take with you to the bank.

Enjoy!

After all these years, I have finally managed to put something aside for a rainy day. It’s called an umbrella.

Is Materialism buying things we don’t need with money we don’t have in order to impress people that we don’t really know?

I discovered that I have one of those unlimited cell phone plans. It seems there is no limit on how much they can charge me.

The other day I was in the phone store and picked up one of those new smart phones that has facial recognition. It took one look at my face and told me that I couldn’t afford it.

I am working hard and putting money in my 401K so that when I am old I will be able to buy the things I could have enjoyed when I was young.

How much money does one need to be eccentric instead of just nuts?

Once in a while when I am cruising the city in a $250,000 vehicle, I pause, lean back and think, “If this bus driver doesn’t speed up I am going to be late for work!”

It is sad when your take home pay won’t even get you home.

I am too cheap to pay to take my kids to a corn maze, so I just set them loose in IKEA.

If I really did profit from my mistakes, I would be pretty well off by now.

Thought for the Week

When I have money, I get rid of it quickly, lest it find a way into my heart. ~John Wesley

http://www.quotegarden.com

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Friday Funny July 6, 2018 Unique Travel Stops in Kentucky

Happy Friday!  I hope you had a good July 4th.  If you have some vacation coming up and still do not know where to go – never fear!  Let me offer you a few options in the Commonwealth of Kentucky.

Enjoy!

Not Quite the Lincoln Memorial – Along Route 23 in Stanville, Kentucky sits a replica of the Lincoln Memorial.  Supposedly the World’s Second Largest Seated Lincoln. It was funded by a lawyer who, in 2017, was sentenced to 12 years in prison for fraud, then fled the country. Guess he was not as honest as Abe. remains.

Duncan Hines Museum – There’s an exhibit devoted to the life of Duncan Hines at the Kentucky Museum on the campus of Western Kentucky University.  Before “Duncan Hines” was a brand of cake mixes, Duncan Hines was a trusted author of restaurant and lodging recommendations. Mr. Hines was a real person, and passionate about good food and hospitality. He was born in Bowling Green and returned to the city after making a name for himself. I have been there and it is an interesting exhibit.

World’s Largest Baseball Bat– It sits outside the Louisville Slugger Museum in Louisville, Kentucky.  It is an interesting museum with a factory tour where they show you how the bats used to be made as well as how they are made today. A must see for baseball fans and, of course, I have been there.  Take in a Louisville Bats (AAA) game while in town.

Birthplace of Kentucky Fried ChickenColonel Harland David Sanders was a real person and you can visit the Café where, in 1940, he perfected that secret combination of herbs and spices.  This is another place I have been to, there is a modern KFC attached so you can get your fried chicken fix while you learn about the Colonel.

Florence Y’all Water Tower- The Water Tower along I-75 in Northern Kentucky proclaims “Florence Y’all” to motorists passing by. When the Florence Mall developed in the 1960s, the first thing built was the water tower.  Seemed like a great idea to promote the soon-to-be mall on the water tower by painting “Florence Mall” on the tower. However, for some reason it was determined this was not a legally permissible.  The tower had to be repainted but they wanted to minimize the expense. So, the change was made from “Mall” to read “Y’all.” It has stayed that way since and is now a familiar landmark.  I have been by this many, many times over the years.

Grave of Man o’ War-How often do you get to visit the grave of a horse?  Man o’ War was perhaps the most famous racehorse in history.  He was the undisputed king of the turf during the roaring twenties. Man o’ War died in 1947, and a year later a larger-than-life bronze statue of him, sculpted by Herbert Haseltine, was erected over his farmyard grave. His body was embalmed and placed in a giant casket lined with his racing colors. In 1977 the big casket was dug up, and Man o’ War was moved, along with his statue, to Kentucky Horse Park where you can still pay homage to him today.  I have been to the Kentucky Horse Park. 

Moon Bow – Rainbow visible at night-Near Corbin, KY in an area known as Cumberland Gap. The Moon Bow from Cumberland Falls, is only visible on a very clear night during a full moon. The best time for viewing is around midnight. The only other place you can see this is Victoria Falls, Africa. The moon and this waterfall are in alignment so the moon’s light creates the “Moon Bow” in the spray created by the water fall. This is one I would like to see one day.

Shopping Center Tomb of Miss Dynamite-Miss Dynamite was a half-terrier, half-chihuahua dog who lived from 1958-1973.  She had her own checking account, stayed in only the fanciest motels, and enjoyed letters from prominent figures of the day.  When she died her owner had her embalmed and placed in an above-ground crypt directly beneath the sign for her shopping center, which the dog legally owned in Scottsville

Feudin’ Pig and Stabbing Cabin-The Feudin’ Pig and Stabbing Cabin in McCarr sparked several key flare-ups in the Hatfield-McCoy feud. In 1878 one of the McCoys accused one of the Hatfields of stealing a pig. A trial which saw the Hatfields acquitted was held in the cabin, which belonged to the local judge.  The main witness was later killed by the McCoy. In 1882 a fight broke out at the cabin; three of McCoy’s sons killed Hatfield’s drunk brother who was stabbed 27 times.  The cabin was rebuilt in 2012 on its original foundation. What adds more to vacation memories that feuds and pigs?.

Wagersville, Kentucky – On HWY 89 south of Irvine you can pass by (don’t blink) the remnants of Wagersville and yes, I am one of those Wagers.  After you see Wagersville you can take a hike up nearby Happy Top Mountain one of the highest points in Estill County.

For more unique travel ideas visit http://www.roadsideamerica.com

Thought for the Week

And that’s the wonderful thing about family travel:  it provides you with experiences that will remain locked forever in the scar tissue of your mind.  ~Dave Barry

http://www.quotegarden.com

 

Friday Funny June 29, 2018 Grilling Time

Happy Friday!  Next Wednesday is the Fourth of July. The 4th brings fireworks, family gatherings and gill outs.  So, let’s celebrate with thankful hearts for the blessings and freedom that we enjoy each and every day. And be safe out there around the grill this weekend!

Enjoy!

July 4 brings family gatherings and picnics – if there are family gatherings and picnics there will most likely be some grilling of hamburgers, hot dogs, chicken, ribs, maybe even steak!

Ever since mankind discovered fire, man has enjoyed a good cookout. But from ancient times to the present day one of the largest obstacles to grilling was lighting the fire and getting the coals ready for cooking. Have you ever lit the grill and waited and waited and waited only to go back expecting nice red, hot coals yet finding only cold, black coals because the coals just did not catch fire?

Over the course of human history, many great minds have worked on inventions and improvements to help us reduce that long period of waiting for the charcoal to get hot. We used to have to get the bag of charcoal and the can of lighter fluid out then you would arrange the coals, pour the lighter fluid, light the fire (trying not to scorch your eyebrows) and wait and wait and wait. Then you would add more lighter fluid, light the fire again (trying not to get engulfed in the fireball) and wait and wait and wait some more.

The next improvement came where you could purchase charcoal that had been pre-soaked in lighter fluid.  Now you could skip the can of lighter fluid and just put a match to the coals and wait and wait and wait some more.  Then when you returned and found the cold, black coals you would go digging through the garage to find the rusty can of lighter fluid, pour the lighter fluid on the coals, light the fire (trying not to scorch your eyebrows) and wait and wait yet again.

Then came the small bags that you simply put in the grill, put the match to the paper bag and waited and waited.  This  usually resulted in a trip to rummage around again for the old can of lighter fluid, pouring the lighter fluid on the cold, black coals, striking a match (trying not to scorch your eyebrows) and waiting and waiting again.

Many people have opted for gas grills for the ease of lighting, the quick warm-up time and to avoid having scorched eyebrows. Never fear, the engineers at Purdue University have made quantum leaps in the science of grill lighting. They have put their quantitative brains to work on how to speed up this process. The first thought was to blow on the charcoal with a hair dryer to speed things along. The next thought was that if a hair dryer was good, maybe a vacuum cleaner would be even better. Then as their “Tim the Toolman Taylor” thinking took over they moved onto a propane torch then an acetylene torch. Still not satisfied, they moved onto compressed oxygen and finally to liquid oxygen. Yes the stuff that is 295 degrees below zero and is the form of oxygen used as rocket fuel. This produces a 10,000 degree fireball that can have those coals ready for the burgers in a mere three seconds. So, if things are running a little late on the grill this week, just run to the local hardware store to grab a little liquid oxygen and you’ll be grilling in no time. Your eyebrows can always grow back later!

What do you get if you cut two legs off a cow?…………….lean beef!

What do you get if you cut four things off a cow?…………ground beef!

Thought for the Week

“You have to love a nation that celebrates its independence every July 4, not with a parade of guns, tanks, and soldiers who file by the White House in a show of strength and muscle, but with family picnics where kids throw Frisbees, the potato salad gets iffy, and the flies die from happiness. You may think you have overeaten, but it is patriotism.” ~Erma Bombeck

http://www.quotegarden.com

Friday Funny June 22, 2018 Tom Swifties

Happy Friday and Happy Summer!  Wishing you a great first weekend of summer.  This week, I dug up some Tom Swifties, a type of pun.

Enjoy!

“I’m in the hospital waiting room” said Tom, precariously.

“Send the telegram again,” Tom said with remorse.

“I’m the fastest car on the freeway,” Tom said in passing.

“I can’t believe I ate that whole pineapple!” Tom said, Dolefully.

“I won’t let a flat tire get me down,” Tom said, without despair.

“I’ve been on a diet,” Tom expounded.

“I’ll have to dig another ditch around that castle,” Tom sighed, remotely.            

“My fortune cookie has no paper in it,” Tom said unfortunately.

“I like modern painting,” said Tom abstractly.

“Elvis is dead,” said Tom expressly.

Thought for the Week

Ah, summer, what power you have to make us suffer and like it. ~Russel Baker

http://www.quotegarden.com

Friday Funny June 15, 2018 Planting Some Jokes for Your Weekend.

Happy Friday!  We are in the final days of spring and everything is green!  So, here is a little gardening humor to kick off your weekend.

Enjoy!

The guy that trimmed my trees did such a good job that I told him he should take a bough.

I just purchased the newest weed-whacker, I hear it is really cutting edge technology.

I was going to do some plant experiments in my garden until I realized I hadn’t botany.

Everything I know about gardening I have learned from trowel and error.

Organic gardeners till it like it is.

Did the tomato try to court the corn by whispering sweet nothings in her ear?

The farmer was trying to tell me jokes, but they were just too corny.

Did you Hear about the farmer that quit because his celery wasn’t enough?

Would you call a cow eating grass in your yard a lawn moo-er?

After a pig eats watermelon, do you have pork rinds?

Thought for the Week

“Remember that children, marriages, and flower gardens reflect the kind of care they get.”  ~ H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

Friday Funny June 8, 2018 Friday Punnies

Happy Friday! Congratulations on the completion of another week.  Take a deep breath and have a good weekend.

Enjoy!

Did you hear about that cheese factory that exploded in France? There was nothing left but de Brie.

I asked a Frenchman if he played video games. He said Wii.

Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar, now you can’t tell me that’s just a coincidence.

I heard that Apple is designing a new automatic car but they are having trouble installing Windows.

I just found out that I am colorblind, that news really hit me out of the green.

I was thinking about singing karaoke with a friend.  I decided it was time to quit stalling and just duet.

Is it by shear coincidence that all sheep look-alike?

I think every morning that I am going to make pancakes, but I keep waffling.

Did you hear the one about the untalented gymnast that walks into a bar?

Jokes about giant squids are kraken me up.

Make apocalypse jokes like there is no tomorrow.

Thought for the Week

Every day may not be good, but there’s something good in every day. ~Author Unknown

http://www.quotegarden.com

Friday Funny June 1, 2017 Random Friday Thoughts

Happy Friday and Happy June!  It has been a busy week. So, I thought I would share a few random thoughts this week.

Enjoy!

Can you can make a water-bed bouncier by using spring water?

At what age is it appropriate to tell my dog that he’s adopted?

Can everything in the universe be broken down to Protons, Neutrons, Electrons and Morons?

If you were a triangle would you be acute one?

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I probably should have been a little more specific.

Would you exercise more if calories screamed while you burned them?

Have you ever noticed that the trouble with being punctual is that no one is usually there to appreciate it?

Have you realized that statistically speaking 6 out of 7 Dwarfs are not Happy?

I just finished reading a book about Stockholm Syndrome. At first, It was pretty bad, but by the end I was starting to like it.

I think my calling in life went straight to voicemail.

Thought for the Week

Life is simple, it’s just not easy. ~Author Unknown

http://www.quotegarden.com