Friday Funny June 24, 2022 Jokes That Come Home To Roost

Happy Friday!  Let’s kick off the weekend with some chicken jokes.

Enjoy!

Is it true that chickens tell scary stories about Poultrygeists?

Would a negative rooster crow cock-a-doodle-don’t?

Is it true that the best way to get a chicken to read your blog is by using cluckbait?

Did you know that the reason that a chicken coop has two doors is because if it had four it would be a chicken sedan?

Did you hear about the chicken philosophers who pondered the meaning of eggsistence?

Did you hear about the chicken who went through the Powerpoint presentation to get to the other slide?

Is it true that a chickens favorite dessert is coop-cakes?

If you crossed a chicken with a bell would you get an alarm cluck?

If you crossed a chicken with a concrete mixer would you get a brick layer?

Is it true that chickens do not like bossy roosters because they ruffle everyone’s feathers?

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“If you know somethin’ well, you can always paint it but people would be better off buyin’ chickens.” ~ Grandma Moses

Friday Funny June 17, 2022 It Is So Hot That …

Happy Friday!  Happy Fathers’ Day!  It definitely feels like Summer has made an early arrival. Be careful out there because it is so hot that……

Enjoy!

It is so hot out that even the artificial flowers are wilting.

It is so hot out that Optimus Prime transformed into an air conditioner.

It is so hot out that I saw a heatwave and I waved back.

It is so hot out that I poured McDonald’s hot coffee on my lap just to cool off.

It is so hot that the catfish was already fried when I caught it.

 It is so hot that you can spot people who have had plastic surgery.

It is so hot that all the water buffalo at the zoo evaporated.

It is so hot that you cannot make a chili dog.

It is so hot that Tabasco sauce tastes mild.

It is so hot that Reds fans have started to take the bags off their heads.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

My father used to play with my brother and me in the yard. Mother would come out and say, “You’re tearing up the grass.” “We’re not raising grass,” Dad would reply. “We’re raising boys.” ~Harmon Killebrew

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Friday Funny June 10, 2022 Poor Richard’s Wisdom

Happy Friday!  This week I thought I would share some notable sayings that Benjamin Franklin gave us through Poor Richard’s Almanac.

Enjoy!

Fish and Visitors stink after three days.

Who has deceiv’d thee so oft as thy self?

Well done is better than well said.

What you would seem to be, be really.

Search others for their virtues, thyself for thy vices.

There is much difference between imitating a good man, and counterfeiting him.

Wink at small faults — remember thou hast great ones.

Little Strokes, Fell great Oaks.

Many Foxes grow grey, but few grow good.

Beware of little Expenses: a small Leak will sink a great Ship.

Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.

A Slip of the Foot you may soon recover, but a slip of the Tongue you man never get over.

Love your Neighbour; yet don’t pull down your Hedge.

Lost time is never found again.

The Sting of a Reproach is the Truth of it.

Glass, China, and Reputations, are easily crack’d, and never well mended.

He that can have patience can have what he will

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“This would be a great time in the world for some man to come along that knew something.” ~Will Rogers

Friday Funny June 3, 2022 Summer Humor Checkup

Happy Friday!  Congratulations on making it through another week.  Let’s kick off the weekend with a little medical humor self-checkup.

Enjoy!

My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. He was right—I feel ten years older already.

I have an inferiority complex but it’s not a very good one.

Today I was checked by Dr. B. Gee. I hope I will be stayin’ alive.

The difference between an aerobics instructor and a dentist is that a dentist lets you sit down while he hurts you.\

I heard about an optometrist that fell into his lens grinding machine.  It seems he really made a spectacle out of himself.

I played hide and seek in the hospital, but they kept finding me in the ICU.

I heard it takes three doctors to change a light bulb. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.

I heard about a baby born in the new high tech delivery room.  It was cordless.

Last week I tried a new cough syrup, I had no idea what to expectorate.

Conjunctivitis.com — now that is a site for sore eyes.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“We’re living in an age of medical specialists. Nowadays what four out of five doctors recommend is another doctor.” ~Robert Orben, 2400 Jokes to Brighten Your Speeches, 1984

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Friday Funny May 27, 2022 Summer Driving Tips

Happy Friday! Memorial Day weekend marks the unofficial start of summer. That means many of you will spend some time in the car this weekend. So, here are some tips to help you pass the time as the miles roll along.

Enjoy!

Fun Things to Do While Driving (These should only be attempted by professional drivers on a closed course).

1. Have a friend ride in the back seat. Gagged.

2. Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Headbang.

3. Wear snorkel gear and hang fish around from the ceiling.

 4. Two words: Chicken suit.

5. Write the words “Help me” on your back window in red paint. The more it looks like blood, the better.

6. Pay the toll for the car behind you. Watch in rearview mirror as toll collector tries to explain to next driver.

7. Put a puppet on your driving hand and have him hold the wheel. Let the puppet talk to people when you’re at a stop light.

8. Roll down your window and yell “Moo!” when passing cows.

9. Roll down your window and yell at children reminding them to brush their teeth before going to bed.

10. Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out your window or sunroof. Feel free to make it dance.

11. At stop lights, make lizard faces at small children in the back seat of the car in front of you.

12. Put your arms down the legs of an extra pair of trousers, put sneakers on your hands, and lean the seat back as you drive.

 13. At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a look of fear, suddenly lock your doors.

14. Honk frequently without motivation, especially when passing houses out in the country.

15. Wave at people often, especially when passing houses out in the county. If they wave back, offer an offended and angry look.

16. Hang fifty car-fresheners on the rear-view mirror.

17. Lob burning things in the windows of smokers who throw their cigarette butts out the window.

18. Keep at least five cats in the car.

 19. Squeegee your windshield at every stop.

 20. Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when driving alone.

21. Stop and take pictures of road kill

22. Stop and collect road kill.

23. Stop and cook road kill.

24. Drive off an exit ramp and ask for directions to the town you’re in. When they tell you you’re there, look confused, glance at your map, laugh, and exclaim, “Oh! wrong state!”

25. If listening to the beginning of a baseball game, be sure to stand during the National Anthem.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“I went to court for a parking ticket. I pleaded insanity. I said, Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?” ~ Steven Wright

Friday Funny May 13, 2022 More Vacation Jokes

Happy Friday!  It has felt like summer this week and when it feels like summer it gets one thinking about vacation. So pack your bag for laughs.

Enjoy!

I didn’t realize how bad of a driver I was until my Tom Tom said, “In 1000 feet, do a slight right, stop, and let me out.”

I had to tell my suitcases there will be no vacation this summer. Now I’m dealing with emotional baggage.

I read a story about a pilot who decided to cook whilst flying? It was a recipe for disaster.

I tried to sue the airline for misplacing my luggage, unfortunately I lost my case.

I may not travel much, but I wonder how many miles I’ve scrolled with my thumb.

For Christmas, I bought my wife a world map and gave her a dart. I told her to throw it and wherever it lands, we will go on vacation this summer.  Looks like we are spending two weeks behind the refrigerator.

Looks like I will have to cancel my vacation, I developed a rash and my dermatologist told me to apply the medication locally.

I once took a trip to a ski resort.  It started off well, but things went downhill really fast.

I heard that photons do not take suitcases on vacation because they travel light.

What did the llama say before his vacation?  Alpaca bag.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

 “Babies don’t need a vacation but I still see them at the beach. I’ll go over to them and say, ‘What are you doing here, you’ve never worked a day in your life!’” ~Stephen Wright

Friday Funny May 6, 2022 Mothers’ Day

Happy Friday!  Don’t forget that this Sunday is Mother’s Day.

Enjoy!

Would you call a mom who can’t draw – Tracy?

Is it true that the baby strawberry cried because his mom was in a jam?

Are computers so smart because they listen to their motherboards?

Did you hear about the pirate who could not call his mother because she left the phone off the hook?

What did the mama tomato say to the baby tomato? Catch up!

It seems like everybody wants to save the earth but nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes.

Motherhood is like a fairy tale, but in reverse. You start out in a beautiful ball gown and end up in stained rags cleaning up after little people.

Good moms let their kids lick the blades on the hand mixer. Great moms turn the mixer off first.

Is it true that Mom’s favorite kind of candy for Mother’s Day is Her-she’s Kisses?

I bought my Mom a mug which says, “Happy Mother’s day from the World’s Worst Son”.
I forgot to mail it but I think she knows.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“If evolution really works, how come Mothers only have two hands?” ~-Milton Berle

Friday Funny April 29, 2022 Name Dropping

Happy Friday!  Let’s kick off this weekend with a little name dropping.

Enjoy!

Would you call a man who likes to work out Jim?

Would you call a girl with a tennis racket on her head Annette?

Would you call a woman with a cat on her head Kitty?

Would you call a boy hanging on the wall Art?

Would you call a girl with a frog on her head Lily?

Would you call a man with a shovel Doug?

Would you call a man without a shovel Douglas?

Would you call a woman with a Christmas tree on her dead Carol?

Would you call a man with a Christmas tree on is head Noel?

Would you call a man with a map on his head Miles?

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Tigers die and leave their skins; people die and leave their names.” ~Japanese proverb

www.quotegarden.com

Friday Funny April 22, 2022 Medical Jokes

Happy Friday!  Let’s kickoff the weekend with some medical jokes.

Enjoy!

I heard that the worst place to hide in a hospital is the ICU.

Have you heard about the new Canadian strain of Covid? People are showing up at the hospital eh-symptomatic.

I stopped by a local hospital today only to find that it had been converted into a library, I had to suffer in silence.

I heard about a man who was admitted to hospital after swallowing 6 plastic horses. His condition has been described as stable.

I heard that the nicest guy in the hospital is the ultra-sound guy.

I heard that the coolest guy in the hospital is the hip replacement guy.

I heard about a dermatologist who was fired at the hospital for making too many rash decisions.

When I was young, I once dated an X-ray tech I met during a short hospital stay, I always wondered what she saw in me.

If you donate a kidney to a hospital everyone thinks you are a hero but if you
donate 10 kidneys everyone thinks you are a monster.

I woke this morning with an awful cough, I think it might be pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis, but it’s hard to say.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK


“Everything is so expensive. What hospitals really need is cheaper equipment — like an X-ray machine that takes four poses for a quarter.” ~Robert Orben, 2400 Jokes to Brighten Your Speeches, 1984

Friday Funny April 15, 2022 Tax Day Jokes

Happy Easter! Happy Passover and Happy Tax Day – well maybe not so happy about Tax Day. Maybe laughing about will make you feel a little better.

Enjoy!

I heard that accountants are able to remain cool, calm and collected because they have strong internal controls.

I heard that accountants like the weekends because they get to wear casual clothes to work.

I heard about a cannibal CPA, he charges an arm and a leg.

I heard about an accountant and banker who got broke off their relationship, seems they couldn’t reconcile their differences.

Did you hear about the auditor who proposed to his girlfriend with an engagement letter?

Did you hear about the CPA who was having a mid-life crisis? He bought a faster calculator.

Did you hear about the church that was getting indicted by the IRS for displaying false prophets?

Did you hear about the chiropractor who was audited by IRS? She owed back taxes.

I heard about a new dating app for CPAs. it’s called “Let’s Get Fiscal.”

If you crossed a tax accountant with a jet airplane would you get a Boring 747?

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“It’s income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta.” ~ Dave Barry.