Friday Funny September 14, 2018 It’s Off to Work We Go

Happy Friday!  Congratulations on making it through another work week and to celebrate here is a little work related humor.

Enjoy!

It seems like the only thing worse than seeing something done wrong is seeing it done slowly.

The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.

I think we have enough youth. I’ve started looking for the fountain of “Smart.”

Things really haven’t gotten worse. We’ve just improved our inter-departmental communication skills

I have found that a positive attitude may not solve all my problems, but it does annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.

I think I was hired my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work twice as hard when I’m around!

I am finding that I am at that age where work is a lot less fun and fun takes a lot more work.

My boss says that I tend to intimidate people, I just stared at him until he apologized.

Is efficiency merely a highly developed form of laziness?

The farther away the future is, the better it looks..

They say that we learn from our mistakes and it seems we never run out of study material.

I feel like my job is secure because no one in their right mind would want it.

I told my wife that I saw a deer on the way to work this morning. She said, “How do you know he was on his way to work?”

As I get older and think back on all the people I’ve lost along the way, I realize that just maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t for me.

Thought for the Week

If you have a job without any aggravations, you don’t have a job. ~Malcolm S. Forbes

http://www.quotegarden.com

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Friday Funny September 7, 2018 The Class of 2022

Labor Day has come and gone and school is back in session.  In the annual effort to remind me how old I am getting, Beloit College has published the “Mindset List” noting events that have shaped the incoming freshman class, the class of 2022.  Most of the incoming freshman this year were born in 2000.  Here are some of my favorite items from this years list. 

For the full list visit http://www.beloit.edu/mindset

Enjoy!

They’ve grown up with stories about where their grandparents were on 11/22/63 and where their parents were on 9/11.

Investigative specials examining the O.J. Simpson case have been on TV annually since their birth.

They never used a spit bowl in a dentist’s office.

There has never been an Enron.

They have always been able to refer to Wikipedia.

 “You’ve got mail” would sound as ancient to them as “number, please” would have sounded to their parents.

A visit to a bank has been a rare event.

Xlerators have always been drying hands in 15 seconds with a roar.

Chernobyl has never produced any power in their lifetimes.

Donny and Marie who?

They never tasted Pepsi Twist in the U.S.

Films have always been distributed on the Internet.

The detachable computer mouse is almost extinct.

The Mir space station has always been at the bottom of the South Pacific.

King Friday the 13th and Lady Elaine Fairchild have always dwelled in the Neighborhood, but only in re-runs.

Thought for the Week

One cannot and must not try to erase the past merely because it does not fit the present. ~Golda Meir

http://www.quotegarden.coom

Friday Funny August 17, 2018 Back to School Funnies

 

Happy Friday!  It is hard to believe but this week brought the start of a new school year to some with many more starting next week.  So, let’s sharpen those pencils and cover those books and have a little back to school humor.

Enjoy!

The first day of school was always special. It was usually the only day of the year when I was not behind on my homework.

The first day of school is exciting, so is riding a roller coaster, but I never wanted to do either for nine months in a row.

I had a cross-eyed teacher once, she couldn’t control her pupils.

I once had a math teacher who called me average. I thought that was just mean.

One day I told my teacher that I didn’t have a pencil. She asked me, “How can you come to school without a pencil?”  I told her, I took the bus, duh.

One school day I got caught skipping. The Principal said, “Please just walk normal down the hall.”

An old teacher asked her student, “If I say, ‘I am beautiful,’ which tense is that?” The student replied, “It is obviously past.”

An exasperated teacher asks a student, “Are you ignorant or just apathetic?” The kid answers, “I don’t know and I don’t care.”

Teacher: “Name a bird with wings but can’t fly.” Student: “A dead bird.”

I am now at that age that people I went to school with are so grey and wrinkled and bald that they don’t recognize me.

Thought for the Week

Education is not filling a pail but the lighting of a fire.  ~William Butler Yeats

http://www.quotegarden.com

Friday Funny August 10, 2018 Restaurant Jokes

Happy Friday!  Often, the weekend is a time to go out to eat.  So, here are a few restaurant jokes to whet your appetite.

Enjoy!

An eel walks into a restaurant. The Hostess recognizes him and says, “Back for more, ay?”

A duck goes to a fancy restaurant with several friends, but all his friends ditch him. The Waitress says, “I guess the bill’s on you.”

A lion walks into a restaurant, the Hostess asks, “Where’s your pride?”

A Shetland pony goes to a restaurant, orders a steak dinner, and pulls out a $10. The Waiter says, “Sorry pal, you’re short.”

The past, present, and future decide to go to a nice restaurant for dinner, then things got tense. 

A cowboy enters a restaurant.  His hat is made of brown wrapping paper, his shirt and vest are made of waxed paper, and his chaps, pants, and boots are made of tissue paper. The Manager called the police and had him arrested for rustling. 

A goes to a deli and orders a sandwich.  He asks the person behind the counter, “Do you have any helicopter flavored potato chips?” The lady shakes his head and says, “No, we only have plain.” 

A skeleton goes to a barbecue joint.  The Waitress asks him what he wants, he replies, “Spareribs.” 

I heard the other night that there was an awful fight at the seafood restaurant.  Four fish got battered!

A guy goes into a restaurant with a set of jumper cables around his neck.  The Hostess looks at him and says, “I will seat you, but don’t try to start anything.”

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Those who do not learn from the pasta are doomed to reheat it.” ~Author Unknown

Friday Funny August 3, 2018 Things to Do During a Dull Conference

Happy Friday and Welcome to August!  Along with the school break and vacations, the summer months often bring business meetings and conferences.  While many times these are interesting and beneficial, sometimes they just drag on and on.  If you find yourself at a conference that is starting to drag, here are a few exercises you might try to regain your focus.

Enjoy!

THINGS TO DO DURING A DULL CONFERENCE

  • Pass the Note – make a note and address it to “Larry” making sure no one at your table or close to you is actually named “Larry.”  Give it to the person next to you and ask him/her to pass it along.  Try with different names and see which name gets passed the furthest.
  • Assign the Cast for “Harry Potter and the Deathly Conference”- you are cast in the roll of the young hero Harry Potter, look around the room and cast the various roles of good guys (Ron & Hermione) and bad guys (Draco & Valdemort).
  • Guess Age and Weight – make a list of people around the room, then guess their age and weight.  At the end of the day check with each one check the accuracy of your estimates..
  • Life is a Musical – imagine that this conference is a musical, and then decide which one fits best – West Side Story, Guys & Dolls, Camelot, Sweeney Todd, Dr. Horrible’s Sing-along Blog, Little Shop of Horrors?
  • Take Advantage of the Question & Answer Time to Ask Those Burning Questions You Always Wanted to Know the Answer To But Have Never Found Anyone Who Could Provide a Good Answer – like “What Exactly is a Balk?”  “What Happens if PH Isn’t Balanced?” Or “If a Product Kills 99.9% of Germs, How Nasty is that 00.1% That it Doesn’t Kill?”
  • Pain Points – when the afternoon rolls around, eventually your eyes start to get heavy.  Combat the fatigue by finding the best places to pinch to keep yourself awake – for starters try the back of your knee, the inside of your elbow and your ear lobes. Once you have found the best places for you, try on the nearest person to who has a bobbing head.
  • Water Bead Races – most meeting rooms have water pitchers and they always tend to “sweat.”  Pick two water beads on the pitcher and watch them race to the bottom.  Cheer loudly for your favorite.
  • Bathroom Breaks – keep track of people who leave for bathroom breaks.  At the end of the day present awards for shortest, longest and most frequent.
  • Mind Control – practice mind control on the person sitting in front of you.  Concentrate, stare at the back of his/her head and see if you can get them to scratch his/her head, take a drink of water or cluck like a chicken.
  • Mentos – Always make sure you have Mentos with you for long meetings, then at break time look for someone who just opened a soft drink and plop a couple of Mentos in the can or bottle.  This one is best done if the person will be several seats away from you.
  • Mint-ball – most meeting rooms have a glass at each chair and some sort of mints around.  Take a mint and if you can toss it into a glass one table in front.  Once you have mastered this, try two tables up, then three; so how far you can go.
  • Pen Sculptures – there are usually pens on the tables, gather as many as you can and use them like Lincoln Logs and see what you can create.
  • Cell Phone Wave – call someone else who is at the conference, preferably on the other side of the room.  When the phone is answered stand up look around and then wave at the other person profusely.  You get extra points if they will stand up and wave back.
  • Bonus Team Activity – this one is a great team builder that works if your training is at a hotel.  During the break choose teams, then go through the hotel and see which team can collect the most “Do Not Disturb Signs.”

Thought for the Week

The man who is too old to learn was probably always too old to learn. ~Henry S. Haskins

http://www.quotegarden.com

 

Friday Funny July 27, 2018 Building a Little Humor

Happy Friday!  This week brought the start of a kitchen remodeling project. So, I thought I would build on that and construct a few remodeling jokes just for you.

Enjoy!

I went to Lowe’s this week and asked the guy in the blue vest, “Where can I find some hammers, nails, a trowel and a bag of cement?”

He said, “They’re all under ‘Construction’.”

I said, “Do you know when they will be finished?”

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I heard that when construction workers party they really raise the roof.

I once hired a nosey roofer who did a pretty lousy job, he kept eavesdropping.

My tile guy had to cancel the job, seems he had a painful case of grout.

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In our information age, it is so easy to find out about people.  So I did a little research my construction crew and was a little alarmed to find that they all had run afoul of the law in the past:

My painter had several brushes with the law but he had managed to cover them up.

My carpenter seemed to think he was some kind of a stud; however once, he had tried to frame another man.

My electrician was once suspected of wiretapping.  He was never charged.

My window guy went to great panes to conceal his past and continues to claim his innocence, he says he was framed but I could see right through his story.

MY HVAC guy is known to pack heat. He was arrested once but managed to duct the charges.

I found it interesting that my cabinet-maker is a well know counter fitter.

I also found out that my plumber once had a promising baseball career but that it went down the drain quickly.

Thought for the Week

Home is a place you grow up wanting to leave, and grow old wanting to get back to.  ~John Ed Pearce

http://www.quotegarden.com

Friday Funny July 20, 2018 Tales From The Dark Ages

Happy Friday!  This week I was thinking about how the pace of change continues to accelerate.  Things that, not so long ago, were pretty commonplace have been relegated to the dustbin of history.  While this can makes me feel a little old, it might just provide some interesting tales to my grandchildren about growing up in the dark ages.  Here are a few of them.

Enjoy!

When I had to write a paper for school, I had to go to this strange called a “library” where they had rows after rows of things called “books.”  To find the information you were looking for you consulted something called a “card catalog” that had secret information in this old code that no one understood called the Dewey Decimal System.  If you were looking for more recent information you had to ask for the great and mystical “Readers Guide to Periodical Literature” and then hope the library had the shiny book-like thing called a “magazine” that you were looking for.  Then when you found the information you had to write it on little pieces of paper called “note cards” and then use the cards to help you write the paper.  When I was in college, I had to write papers using something called a “typewriter” which is kind of like a computer/printer without a screen to see what you wrote before you printed it and you had to be careful because it you made a mistake, there was no backspace key, you had to start over on that page.

When I needed to go someplace that I had never been before, I had to use this thing called a “map” that was like a giant picture of roads and streets.  You had to be very careful with maps because once you unfolded them, they could never folded back exactly the same way twice. And the tricky thing was the map did not talk to you, telling you were to turn or when you would arrive.  

We had a different way to remember things back then.  People used this thing called a “calendar” that had a different page for every month.  There were small calendars that could fit in a purse, there were bigger calendars that would hand on a wall.  Busy, important people had calendars about the size of a tablet called a “Franklin Planner.” You would use something called a “pen” to actually write in the secret code of cursive on the calendar and then you had to look at it regularly to remember what you needed to do.  It did not beep or flash to remind you.

When I wanted to communicate with a friend who did not live close I would send them something called a “letter.” It was kind of like a Tweet only a lot longer and slower.  You would write what you wanted to say on one or more sheets of paper, fold them up put them in something called an “envelope”, put a stamp on it and put in a box at the front of your house.  An official government employee would come card and take the envelope out of the box and pass it through a number of other government employees until it got to the box at my friend’s house several days later.  Then my friend would read my letter and write one back to me.  So to send a message and get a reply took 7 -10 days.  The nice thing was there was no limit to how long the letter could be, plus you could keep them,  I still have some letters that I received over forty years ago.

Thought for the Week

Enjoy when you can, and endure when you must. ~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

http://www.quotegarden.com