Friday Funny April 9, 2021 I Am So Old

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Happy Friday! I gave into the nice weather this week and, ignoring my age, went to a softball practice. My mind thinks that I am still young while my body thinks my mind is crazy. So, I thought I would share how old I am feeling now.

Enjoy!

I am so old I remember when emojis were called “hieroglyphics.”

I am so old that I remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.

I am so old that I have started lying about my children’s ages.

I’ve reached that age where looking in the mirror is like watching the news. I know there’ll be some new developments I won’t like.

I’m aging like a fine banana.

I am so old that my blood type has expired.

I am so old I rewind movies on Hulu before I log out.

I am so old that I remember when “Old Spice” was just “Spice.”

I am so old that I knew Burger King when he was just a prince.

I am so old that I knew Cap’n Crunch when he was still a private.

I am so old that I knew Mr. Clean when he still had hair.

I am so old that I when I was a kid we dipped our fries in Heinz #4.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.” ~ Will Rogers

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Friday Funny April 2, 2021 Hare Raising Humor

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Happy Friday! Happy Easter! Happy Passover! Here is wishing you a wonderful weekend.

Enjoy!

Do you know what the Easter Bunny gets for making a basket?  He gets two points, just like everyone else.

If you crossed the Easter Bunny with a leaf blower would you get a hare dryer?

Would you call a group of rabbits hopping backward a receding hare line?

I have heard that the only truly rich bunny is the one who realizes he has enough carrots.

I have heard that the Easter Bunny stays healthy through a strict regimen of Eggs-ercise, specifically hare-obics.

Did you hear what happened when 100 hares got loose on Main Street? The police had to comb the area.

Is it true that the favorite books for bunnies to read are the ones with hoppy endings?

Is it true the Easter Bunny does not use a comb, but instead he uses a hare brush?

Is it true after Easter the Easter Bunny will be working at IHOP?

Did you hear about the bunnies that went on strike in order to get a raise in celery?

Do you know how to catch a unique bunny? Unique up on it!

Do you know how to catch a tame bunny? The tame way!

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“For I remember it is Easter morn,
And life and love and peace are all new born.”
~Alice Freeman Palmer

WWW.QUOTEGARDEN.COM

Friday Funny March 26, 2021 Spring Jokes

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Happy Friday! Congratulations – you have survived winter. Now spring is here and the hope of the world springing back to live.

Enjoy spring and some spring jokes!

Is it true that after the most common feeling among trees in the spring is re-leaf?

It is that time of year when my winter fat turns int o spring rolls.

I heard that you can tell the difference between spring rolls and summer rolls by their seasoning.

I saw a commercial that the furniture store was celebrating the end of winter with a spring sale; however, mattresses are still full price.

I have a friend who is a writer, each spring he suffers from a bad case of allegories.

I dread spring cleaning this time of year, I wish I’d never bought that Slinky.

The other day I put my foot through a trampoline, I have been walking with a spring in my step ever since.

Did you hear about the flower that could not ride a bike because it had lost its petals?

The spring onions that sprang up in yard have started singing hip hop, those little rap scallions.

I was working through the kitchen last night and thought that I could hear the spring onions singing a BeeGees song, it turned out that it was just the chives talking.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“If people did not love one another, I really don’t see what use there would be in having any spring.” ~ Victor Hugo

Friday Funny March 19, 2021 March Madness

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Happy Friday! This week, in honor of March Madness, we will tip off the weekend with some basketball jokes.

Enjoy!

This week I saw a woman in Walmart who had March Madness teeth, she was down to the final four!

Did the college basketball player sign up for a crafting class because he wanted to learn how to make baskets?

Is it true that basketball players eat donuts just so they can dunk them?

What is the difference between a star basketball player and time? Time passes.

Why did the college basketball coach only play 14 holes of golf with his team? Because they couldn’t make it to the Final Four.

If you invite flat-earther friend to play basketball will he show up with a frisbee?

Did you hear about the anti-vax basketball team that lost every game during the season?  Apparently, they never took any shots.

Was Cinderella such a bad basketball player because her coach was a pumpkin?

Did you hear about the basketball player who was having trouble with his bank account?  It seems all his checks were bouncing.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

I used to be addicted to March Madness, but I rebounded.

“There are really only two plays:  Romeo and Juliet, and put the darn ball in the basket.”  ~Abe Lemons

Friday Funny March 12, 2021 More Murphy’s Law Corollaries

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Happy Friday!  The big event this weekend is Springing Forward.  I have always wondered why the time does not take effect until 2:00AM, it always wears me out to stay up that late to change my clocks!  This week, let’s consider some corollaries to Murphy’s Law.

Enjoy!

The legibility of a copy is inversely proportional to its importance.

You can always find what you’re not looking for.

Of two possible events, only the undesired one will occur.

In front of every silver lining there is a cloud.

Any problem can be overcome given enough time and money; however, there is never enough time or money.

Brilliant ideas are seldom remembered while stupid statements are seldom forgotten.

Being dead right, does not make one less dead.

A bird in the hand is worth whatever someone will bid for it on eBay.

A committee has the capacity to make a decision that is worse than any of its members could make individually.

A penny saved is not worth as much as it used to be.

You can always find research will tend to support your theory.

You can always find what you’re not looking for.

Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune times.

For every vision there is an equal and opposite revision.

For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Every solution produces a new and opposite problem.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“In the end, everything will be okay. If it’s not okay, it’s not yet the end.” ~Fernando Sabino

http://WWW.QUOTEGARDEN.COM

Friday Funny March 5, 2021 Do You See What I Did Here?

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Happy Friday! The days are getting a bit longer and a bit warmer, we can almost see the end of winter!  Seems like things that I go to look for have a habit of disappearing, so this week I picked out some disappearing jokes. Hope you see them before they are gone.

Enjoy!

Are bassists considered cowardly because they disappear at the first sign of treble?

Have you heard the one about the disappearing magician?  Apparently it was just a stage he was going through.

I saw a Mexican magician who said he was going to make himself disappear on the count of three.  He said, Uno.. Dos.. And then he vanished without a Tres.

Did the German Christmas cake disappear or was it stollen?

Do old magicians retire or do they simply disappear?

This morning my hands disappeared mysteriously.  I can’t really point my finger at what caused it.

I had a friend who landed a job at Finland’s national airline.  I have not heard from him for ages, it seems he just disappeared into Finnair.

One day I was out on a boat, some distance from the shore, when a massive hand suddenly rose out of the water and then slowly disappeared.  I thought, “Now that is the biggest wave I have ever seen.”

In the middle of the night, I had a vision of a fluffy, white lamb hovering at the foot of my bed, then it disappeared, as I lay frozen in fear. I think it might have been sheep paralysis.

Finally, a word of advice, never disappear, they are very sensitive fruits.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Most of us don’t need a psychiatric therapist as much as a friend to be silly with.” ~Robert Brault, rbrault.blogspot.com

http://WWW.QUOTEGARDEN.COM

Friday Funny February 26, 2021 Humor to the Highest Bidder

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Happy Friday!  The sun was out this week and melted most of our snow, I think I can make it to spring!  With spring comes spring cleaning and I have found that eBay is a great place to get rid of some of that stuff that has just been laying around gathering dust for years.  So, let’s laugh all the way to the Bank with some eBay jokes this week.

Enjoy!

I am not sold on how easy eBay is to use.  I tried to look up lighters, but all they had was 14,245 matches.

If the Pope purchased something on eBay would he pay for it using PaPal?

I saw a 65 inch tv on eBay, the description stated that the volume was stuck on full. The Buy It Now price was $10, I thought I just cannot turn this down.

I decided to list my vacuum cleaner on eBay, it was just collecting dust.

I bought some balloons years ago and decided to sell them recently on eBay, of course I did adjust the price for inflation.

If Neil Diamond purchased a Saab on eBay would you say he got a Swede car online?

Today I got lost in eBay, it felt like the Amazon in there.

I am considering selling my collection of John Lennon memorabilia on eBay, I can just imagine all the PayPal.

If you purchased a good deal of “Happy Days” memorabilia on eBay but it never arrived would you be the victim of a Fonzie scheme?

I  was told that I can’t use eBay anymore.  I don’t know why exactly, they just said it was for biddin’.

I was going to tell you another joke about  eBay, but you probably would not get until the middle of next week.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Get rid of clutter and you may just find it was blocking the door you’ve been looking for.” ~Katrina Mayer, KatrinaMayer.com

http://WWW.QUOTEGARDEN.COM

Friday Funny February 19, 2021 Cold Hard Humor

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Happy Friday!  Let me send you warm thoughts as so many of us are dealing with quite inclement weather this week.  We can complain about it or we can laugh about it.

Enjoy!

This week, while it snowed, I’ve just been staring through the window, I am hoping that eventually my wife will let me in.

Think about it – does a snowman really need a scarf?

It has been so cold this week that I had to break the smoke off my chimney.

It has been is so cold this week that I am shivering like a mobster in a tax office.

It has been so cold this week that I saw an Amish guy buying an electric blanket.

It was so cold that I tried lighting a fire in my small boat but it caught fire and sunk, turned out that I could not have my kayak and heat it too.

Would you call a cold crocodile a refrigergator?

Justice is a dish best served cold because if it were served warm, it would be justwater.

I saw a hipster walking outside in the cold with no coat on, he said that he had gone outside before it was cool.

For use in winter, I invented a cold air balloon, it just never took off.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

Snowflakes are one of nature’s most fragile things, but just look what they can do when they stick together. ~Vista M. Kelly

http://www.quotegarden.com

Friday Funny February 12, 2021 Romantic Ruminations

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Happy Friday!  Just in case you have not looked at a calendar lately, Sunday is February 14th and that means it is Valentine’s Day.  I gathered a few interesting thoughts about love for you to ponder between now and then.

Enjoy!

“Love is sharing your popcorn.” ~ Charles Schultz

“Gravitation can’t be held responsible for people falling in love.” ~ Albert Einstein

“Love doesn’t make the world go round. Love is what makes the ride worthwhile.” ~ Franklin P. Jones

“I love being married. It’s so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” ~ Rita Rudner

“It is not love that makes a relationship complicated; it’s the people in it who do.” ~ Unknown

“I love you more than coffee, but please don’t make me prove it.” ~ Elizabeth Evans

“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.” ~ Charles M. Schulz

“Love is a two-way street constantly under construction.” ~ Carroll Bryant

“I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.” ~ Steven Wright

“People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.” ~ Bob Hope

 “Love is being stupid together.” ~ Paul Valery

“Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby- awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess.” ~ Lemony Snicket

“Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke.” ~ Lynda Barry

“My most brilliant achievement was my ability to persuade my wife to marry me.” ~ Winston Churchill

“When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.” ~ Mark Twain

“Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn’t show up on X-rays, but you know it’s there.” ~ George Burns

“The heart has its reasons, of which reason knows nothing.” ~ Blaise Pascal

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK 

“Love means nothing in tennis, but it’s everything in life.” ~ Unknown

Friday Funny February 5, 2021 Career Changes

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Happy Friday!  The first part of a new year often has folks thinking about career changes.  At times I have considered some changes as well.

Enjoy!

I considered working at the helium factory but I simply refused to be spoken to in that tone.

I thought about getting into astronomy, there is a field that seems to be looking up.

I considered being a telemarketer, but decided it just was not my calling.

I thought about changing to archeology, but my plans ended in ruins.

I considered being a chemist, but I found that it was not the right solution.

I tried my hand at being a sculptor, but I lost all my marbles.

I considered a job as a waiter, at least it would allow me to put food on the table.

I considered switching to a career in mathematics but I discovered I was past my prime.

For a long time, I considered being a lawyer, but it lost its appeal.

I was on the path to be a train conductor, but I got side-tracked.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“To be successful, you have to have your heart in your business, and your business in your heart.”  ~Thomas J. Watson

http://www.quotegarden.com