Friday Funny June 21, 2019 A Flash Flood of Jokes

Happy Friday! The calendar may say that it is summer, but in Ohio we have seen a great deal of rain this week.  They say you cannot change the weather – so let’s at least laugh about it a little.

Enjoy!  

Do you know what one raindrop said to the other raindrop? — My plop is bigger than your plop! 

 

Do you know what another raindrop said to another raindrop? — Two’s company, three’s a cloud.


Do you know what we call two straight days of rain in Ohio? — A weekend. 


Do you know how thunderstorms invest their money? – In liquid assets. 


Do you know what daylight-saving time means in Ohio? — An extra hour of rain. 


What’s more destructive than raining buckets? — Hailing taxis.

 

I heard the local weather reporter was fired because news of a coming flood was leaked.

 

It’s been raining so much in Ohio that the Chia Pet I threw in the garbage is now blocking my driveway.

 

Since it started raining, all my kids do is look sadly through the window…if it keeps up much longer, I am going to have to let them in.

 

The other night a saw a movie about a tornado, the plot had a great twist at the end.

 

Thought for the Week

“It was a dry rain.” ~ Yogi Berra

 

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Friday Funny June 14, 2019 Things You Never Heard Dad Say

Happy Friday!  This Sunday is Father’s Day.  If you are fortunate to have your Dad around, take time to let him know what he means to you.  If you Dad is gone, take time to reflect on a few pleasant memories that you have of him.

Enjoy!

THINGS YOU PROBABLY NEVER HEARD DAD SAY

They just don’t have enough commercials during football games.

I noticed that all your friends have a certain disrespectful and defiant attitude.  Why aren’t you more like that?

Guess I better just stop and ask for directions.

You know Sweetie, now that you’re thirteen, I think you should start dating.

Here’s a credit card and the keys to my new car — GO CRAZY.

Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend … you might want to consider throwing a party.

No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring — now quit your belly-aching, and let’s go to the mall.

No why would you want to get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.

Let me hold your purse while you try that on.

Let’s watch another Hallmark Christmas Movie tonight!.

Dancing to Kidz Bop at top volume is way better than listening to my boring music.

Music today is so much better than the stuff I listened to when I was your age.

I think that umpire is just doing a wonderful job today.

I have been hankerin’ for a nice salad and quiche all day.

Thought for the Week

He didn’t tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it. ~Clarence Budington Kelland

http://www.quotegarden.com

 

 

Pillow Talk

There is an almost endless array of ways that one can divide people into two different groups.  I would like to offer yet another possibility:  there are two kinds of people in the world – people who will use the same pillow for years and people who like to buy new pillows.

People who prefer new pillows are optimists, they buy a new pillow in anticipation that the new pillow will be better than the old pillow.  It will feel better, it will help them sleep better, it will hold its form better, it will last longer than the previous pillow.  Even though every pillow they have ever purchased has not lived up to their ideal of the perfect pillow, they purchase a new one hoping that this will be the one.  Then after a little while, the new pillow’s form no longer bounces back and they are not sleeping as well as they were. So, in their never-ending optimism they purchase another new pillow.  Hope springs eternal and maybe this time they will find pillow perfection.

People who use the same pillow for years, until it is thread bare and the stuffing is falling out tend to be realists and pragmatists.  They have adjusted their lives to the imperfect reality of their own imperfect pillow.  While they may have an idea of what a perfect pillow would be like, they understand the odds of finding the perfect pillow are remote.  So, they settle in with the pillow they have and make the best of it.  In time the pillow becomes a bit flat and misshapen but that is OK, the pillow is usable and familiar and they accept that.  A new pillow would only disturb the familiar for awhile until the new pillow is broken in enough to become an old pillow. 

So are you a new pillow or an old pillow kind of person?

Friday Funny June 7, 2019 Dialing Up Some Laughter

Happy Friday and welcome to June! I think we had the same phone (with a rotary dial) from the time I was born until I went away to college.  Now, you cannot get a cell phone to last the two years that it takes to pay for it.  It appears that it is just about time to replace my cell phones which had me looking for a little phone-related humor this week.

Enjoy!

I was once in a job interview when the hiring manager handed me his laptop and said, “I want you to try and sell this to me.” Well, I got up, put it under my arm, walked out of the building and went home. About an hour later, he called my cell and said, “Bring my computer back right now!” I said, “$250 and it is yours.”

I recently went to a movie. I choose an aisle seat because it feels a little roomier. Just as the feature was about to start, a lady gets up from the center of the row got up and starts working her way out. “Excuse me, sorry, oops, excuse me, pardon me, …” By the time she got to me, I was getting a bit perturbed, so I asked, “Couldn’t you have done this a little earlier?” “No!” she said in a loud whisper. “The ‘TURN OFF YOUR CELL PHONE PLEASE’ message just flashed up on the screen and I left mine in the car.”

How can you tell which one of your friends has the newest iPhone? Don’t worry, they’ll be sure to let you know.

I accidentally dropped my cell phone from the balcony on the twentieth floor, fortunately it was in airplane mode.

Phones are getting thinner and smarter. People, well that is another story…

If you cross a telephone with an iron would you get a smooth operator?

Would a lobster answer the phone by saying “shello”?

Did the cell phone need to wear glasses because it had lost its contacts?

Chuck Norris’ phone never auto corrects him.

Chuck Norris can text using a rotary phone.

Chuck Norris doesn’t dial the wrong number, you pick up the wrong phone.

Thought for the Week

“Whoever said there is freedom of speech has not seen my cell phone bill.”

 

Friday Funny May 31, 2019 Kentucky Ghost Story

Happy Friday!  I hope this finds you and yours doing well.  This week a lot of folks are dealing with the aftermath of severe storms, some of which hit the neighborhood where I grew up in Dayton, Ohio.  So, be careful when the weather turns ugly.

Be Safe!

KENTUCKY GHOST STORY

This happened a number of years ago just outside a little town in the foothills of the Appalachians.  It may sound like the story line from an Alfred Hitchcock movie; however, it is a true story.

There was a guy out hitchhiking which was not all that uncommon a few decades ago.  He was a couple of miles from the nearest town and it was very cloudy, moonless twilight, almost pitch-black.  Then to make matters even worse, a torrential thunder storm quickly developed as he made his way down the dark and lonely road. Time passed slowly and no cars went by. The rain was so hard that he could hardly see his hand in front of his face. Then to his surprise, he saw a car moving slowly approaching and appearing ghostlike in the rain. It slowly crept toward him and stopped.  Needing a ride in the worst way, he jumped in the car and closed the door.  His relief quickly disappeared when he looked around and realized that there was no one else in the car, there was nobody behind the wheel!

The car slowly started moving again which terrified the weary hitchhiker but he was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running. After a few minutes he noticed that the car was slowly approaching a sharp curve.  Still too scared to jump out, he started to pray and beg for his life.  He was sure the ghost car would go off the road into who knows what.  Then, suddenly, just before the curve, a hand appeared thru the driver’s window and slowly turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend. Paralyzed with even more fear, he watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve. When he could take no more, scared to near death, he jumped out of the car and ran to town.

Wet, tired and in shock, he went into a diner and, with a quavering voice ordered a cup of coffee. He then proceeded to tell everyone about his supernatural experience. A silence enveloped the room and everybody got goose bumps when they realized the guy was telling the truth and not just some lunatic.

About half an hour later two more weary and rain-soaked guys walked into the diner.  They spot the first traveler.  One of the two turns to the other and says, “Look Elmer! There’s that yahoo who jumped in our car while we were pushing it in the rain!”

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

After a certain number of years, our faces become our biographies.  ~Cynthia Ozick, The Paris Review

http://WWW.QUOTEGARDEN.COM

Friday Funny May 24, 2019 Food Puns to Chew On

Happy Friday!  This weekend is te unofficial start of summer!  As you relax and cook-out, please take a few minutes to reflect on why we have Memorial Day.  Here are a few food puns you can share around the grill this weekend.

Enjoy!

Did the pig go into the kitchen because he felt like bacon?

When vegetables throw a part do they hire a DJ to tunip the beet?

Did the hot-dog bun look up to the sourdough bun because he saw it as a roll model?

Did the conceited pickle think he was a really big dill?

I try to avoid sad salads because they tend to kale my vibe.

Did the ice cream truck breakdown because of the rocky road?

I don’t order Chinese tea because it takes an oolong time to brew it.

Did you hear about the angry waffle that just flipped?

I dropped a hot dog but it could have been wurst.

It always seems like thyme stands still when I am with you.

Thought for the Week

All we have of freedom, all we use or know –
This our fathers bought for us long and long ago.
~Rudyard Kipling, The Old Issue, 1899

http://www.quotegarden.com

Friday Funny May 15, 2018 Air Travel Jokes

Happy Friday!  I was traveling for some training this week and ended up spending one more night in Chicago than I intended thanks to a flight crenelation. It has been said we have to laugh to keep from crying sometimes, so I tried to laugh and the result is this week’s funny.

Enjoy!

An airplane was flying from LA to New York. About an hour into the flight, the pilot announced, “Unfortunately, we have lost an engine, but there is no need to worry, the other three are working properly. However, this will add an hour to our flight.”

A bit later, the pilot announces, “If I can have your attention again, unfortunately, a second engine has failed, still no need to worry.  We have two good engines; it will just add another hour to our flight.”

After about an hour, the pilot announces again, “This is quite unusual, but a third engine had died. Once again, there is no need to fear.  We have one good engine and we can make it to our destination with only one engine.  However, it sill add another hour to our flight.”

At this point, one passenger turned to his seat-mate and said, “Gee, I hope we don’t lose that last engine, or we’ll be up here all day!”

————————————————————————————————————————————–

A place was taxiing down the tarmac, preparing for takeoff when it abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, “What was the problem?”

“The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine,” explained the flight attendant, “and it took us a while to find a new pilot.”

—————————————————————————————————————————-

A man walks up to the counter at the airport. “Can I help you?” asks the agent.

“I want a round trip ticket,” says the man.

“Where to?” asks the agent.

“Well, I wanted to come right back to here.”

————————————————————————————————————————

As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that precise moment to throw a loud and prolonged temper-tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.

From the back of the plane, an distinguished, older man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy’s ear.

To everyone’s amazement, the boy calms down. Then the boy gently takes his mother’s hand and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers are amazed and a bit bewildered.

As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the flight attendants touches his sleeve. “Excuse me, General,” she asks quietly, “but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?”

The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, “I showed him my pilot’s wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any flight I choose.”

Thought for the Week

No one realizes how beautiful it is to travel until he comes home and rests his head on his old, familiar pillow.  ~Lin Yutang

http://www.quotegarden.com