Friday Funny February 15, 2019 Conversation Hearts

Happy Friday! Valentine’s Day is past and now you can concentrate on finding just the President’s Day gift!  But before Valentine’s Day fades to a memory, I wanted to think about Conversation Hearts.

Enjoy!

I would imagine that you are familiar with those little, chalky conversation hearts made by Necco – the same people who brought us thin, quarter-sized chalky wafers.  Did you even notice that they were nowhere to be found this Valentine’s Day?  Necco had a rough year in 2018, abruptly shutting down in July after an investment firm bought it in a bankruptcy auction. It was purchased by Spangler Candy Co. at the end of the third quarter but that was too late to get the little candy hears back in the conversation for Valentine’s Day 2019.  Perhaps they will be back for 2020.

Did you know that a serving is 25 hearts and that equates to 100 calories that are pretty much void of any nutritional value?   The ingredients are: Sugar, Corn Syrup, Corn Starch, Gelatin, Modified Food Starch, Natural & Artificial Flavors, Gum Arabic, Xanthan Gum, FD&C Colors.  Natural & Artificial flavors? – imagine that – they are actually supposed to have flavor!

They would make changes to the sayings each year to reflect trends in culture.  So, being the helpful person that I am, I thought I would offer some suggestions for the 2020 hearts that will help them get these back on the store shelves as soon as possible.

Recipe for Disaster

Snowflake

UR Subprime

YRU Still Here

# Go Away

1000x No

#1 Hater

Woot Woot

Evil Clown

Shoo

# Not Ever

Big Twitter Fan

#1 Loser

#No Way

I Googled U

#1 Troll

Epic Fail!

U R Elitist

No Swag

#1 Bae

Selfie

Meh

Chillax

Not Legit

Thought for the Week

“Valentine’s Day is a day to reflect on love – on love lost, love gained and love long remembered.” 

 

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A Very Difficult Valentine’s Day

Valentine’s Day is almost here and you may still be searching for that perfect gift, planning that perfect evening or looking for just the right words to express how you feel.  

Over the years, my perception of Valentine’s Day has changed quite a bit.  I remember back in grade school, Valentine’s Day meant getting candy from Mom and, like Charlie Brown, hoping to get a Valentine Card from that “cute red-haired girl” in class.  Disappointments were mild in those days because I  got a card from EVERY girl as well as every boy in the class.

In the dating years, Valentine’s Day brought more pressure and expectations in trying to come up with the perfect card or the perfect gift for the girl I was dating if she was near enough to see or trying to come up with just the right phrase to put in a card to communicate my feelings to that special someone who was a thousand miles away physically but near to my heart.

After marriage, the focus of Valentine’s Day shifted again and as the years went on, the excitement and expectations began to wane and the routine became swinging by to pick up candy and flowers.  In recent years it has meant skipping the candy as we have become a little more calorie conscious. Yes, Valentine’s Day is still celebrated, but differently.

As my understanding of the day has changed over the years, I have come to realize that Valentine’s Day has become a day of reflection – a day to reflect on love – on love lost, love gained and love long remembered.

Valentine’s Day last year was indeed a day of reflection and it was my worst Valentine’s Day. It was also one of the most difficult days of my life.  It was the day we buried my Father.  As we prepared and reflected for the service, I was reminded that one of the best examples of love I have seen in my life was given to me by my Father.  It was not the squoosy, heart-skip-a-beat love like one might feel on a first date, that is a feeling and feeling can be fleeting.  The the kind of love that I saw in my Dad was love that is present every day in a million small ways.  It is the love that works long hours to provide a roof, food and clothes to a family.  It is a love that does not seek its own or draw attention to itself.  It is the love that keeps a marriage going strong for more than sixty-five years.  It is a love that sacrifices, puts others first, and just keeps giving. It was a love that never gave up and never stopped.

As the song from the 60’s told us 

“What the world needs now is love, sweet love
It’s the only thing that there’s just too little of
What the world needs now is love, sweet love
No, not just for some but for everyone”

That is the type of love the world indeed needs now and the love that was modeled by my Father.  A little over a year ago, when we met at the funeral home to discuss the arrangements it appeared that Wednesday would work, it was brought up that the service would be Valentine’s Day.  My Mom’s response was that was OK because, “he was the love of my life.”  Burying my Dad on Valentine’s Day was not easy, but it was OK because I know that along with my Mom, my Brother, my Sister and I were the loves of his life.  

Friday Funny February 8, 2019 Lines Not Found on Valentine’s Day Cards

Happy Friday!  You have survived Groundhog’s Day and now it is time to get ready for Valentine’s Day!  If you are having trouble finding that card that is just right, I am here to help!  I have put together a few short verses below that I am pretty sure you will not find on a card down at the local Hallmark store, so feel free to do a little cut and past to make a unique card for that special someone in your life.

Enjoy!

Some Things You Might Not Find on a Valentine’s Day Card

Cupid has struck
With a bow from his quiver
And with my bad luck                                                                                                                                    It hit my liver

When I see you, my hands start to shake
Like when I’ve eaten bad shake ‘n bake
My heart beats fast like never before
Then I faint and hit the floor

Roses are red,                                                                                                                                                Violets are blue,                                                                                                                                            I guess wherever you are,                                                                                                                        It is Valentine’s Day too.

Fountains mingle with the rivers                                                                                                              And the rivers with the ocean                                                                                                 Valentine cards tend to be clever                                                                                                       But this one lacks emotion.

This valentine poem is a reminder
not only of how much you are treasured                                                                                        But also, that not all poems rhyme

A Few Quick Valentine Jokes

For Valentines Day think about your current and past relationships, then organize the data on a chart using an Ex-Axis and a Why-Axis.

They say that grocery store flowers on Valentine’s Day shows someone you care slightly more than not at all.

What did the paper clip say to the magnet? I find you very attractive.

What did the boy cat say to the girl cat on Valentine’s Day? You’re purrr-fect for me!

Thought for the Week

Loving is not just looking at each other, it’s looking in the same direction. ~Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, Wind, Sand, and Stars, 1939

http://www.quotegarden.com

Have We Seen the Future?

I recently came across a story about a self-driving car  hitting and “killing” a humanoid robot.  If you have not see the shocking video – it can be found at this link:  https://www.techworm.net/2019/01/self-driving-tesla-autonomous-robot-ces.html

I wondered it this was a glimpse into our future.  Is the future where the “internet of things” is taking us?  Will it be a bleak, dystopian future where we are all plugged into the matrix to provide power for the machines that have rebelled and taken over?  Will self-driving cars turn out to be even worse drivers than humans?  Will we waste a good portion of our lives in virtual traffic jabs jams trying to get to our virtual jobs where we develop throbbing fingers from incessantly pushing a button like George Jetson?  These are questions that just cannot be answered in the present.

Decades before “The Matrix” portrayed us as simply batteries for the machines, Rod Serling also gave us a glimpse to the future of the relationship between man and machine on an episode of The Twilight Zone which aired in 1960.  In “A Thing About Machines”  Bartlett Finchley is a man who hates machines and lets them know it.  By the end of the episode even his electric razor is out for revenge on him and slithers down the stairs snake-like coming after him.

Who knows what the future holds?  I would suggest that you be nice to your machines today and hopefully they will be nice to you tomorrow.  I think I will file this blog under  ‘M’ for Machines – in the Twilight Zone.

Friday Funny February 1, 2019 Happy Groundhog Day!

Happy Friday!  Happy Super Bowl Weekend! and Happy Groundhog Day!  I hope you are staying warm in these days of the Polar Vortex!  Maybe we will get some good news from our friendly neighborhood groundhog this weekend!

Enjoy!

Tomorrow is Groundhog Day which has got to be one of the stranger days that we “observe.”  At various locations from New York to Colorado people will gather before the sun comes up to determine whether or not a rodent will see his shadow and somehow this translates into how much more winter we will have.  This “holiday” has been around for a couple of hundred years and supposedly has its origins in ancient European weather lore where instead of a large ground squirrel, the weather was predicted by a badger or a bear.  

There will be at least 25 Groundhog Day celebrations featuring 25 different groundhogs this weekend.  Some of these groundhogs will not see their shadows and thus predict an early spring.  However other groundhogs will see their shadow and predict six more weeks of winter.  Now I will not be going to Punxsutawney, PA to see Punxsutawney Phil or even to Marion, OH to see Buckeye Chuck, I will stay warm under the covers of my bed Saturday morning.  I just looked at the calendar and noticed that it is about seven weeks until spring.

Yet groundhogs are not the only folks venturing out this weekend, here are a few that you might miss.

If Tom Brady sees his shadow does that mean he will play six more seasons?

If a US Senator sees his shadow does that means six more years of spending.?

If Brenda Snipes sees her shadow does that means six more weeks of counting votes in Broward County?

If Mark Zuckerburg sees his shadow will he also see your shadow as well?

If Cincinnati Bengals Owner Mike Brown sees his shadow does that mean it will be six more weeks before the Bengals name a Head Coach?

If Cincinnati Reds Manager David Bell sees his shadow does that mean it is eight weeks until Opening Day?

Will New Orleans Saints Receiver Tommylee Lewis see his shadow or the shadow of a  Rams Defensive Back?

If Kim Kardashian sees her shadow would I care?

Thought for the Week

The groundhog is like most other prophets; it delivers its prediction and then disappears. ~ Bill Vaughan http://www.brainyquote.com

 

My Big Game Challenge 2019

We are smack dab in the middle of the hype for the Big Game (like Valdemort only the fearless dare write the words “Super Bowl”).  I have  seen stories on the national network news  about who will sing the National Anthem; I have heard commercials for the morning shows talking about what the commercials will be during the game;  I have seen ads for how to make your Big Game party the best Big Game party ever.  It seems like everywhere you turn there is a Big Game Challenge.  Well here is my big game challenge – just say no – don’t watch it.

Call me crazy, but let’s be ultra radical, counter cultural rebels this year and just ignore the whole thing.  Let me say that I was ahead of my time on this one.  It has nothing to do with politics, I stopped watching the Super Bowl years ago.  Why?  Because this whole thing has gotten completely out of control.  This is a football game, albeit a very big championship game, but it is still a football game.  And why do people gather to watch this particular football game? Apparently  they spend a lot of money on food and invite people over to watch commercials and a half-time show that would make Milli Vanilli look good!  People spend time, effort and money to host a party to watch commercials?  And you think I’m the crazy one here??

A number of years ago, I awoke on the Sunday of the Big Game, turned on the TV BEFORE going to church and the pregame show had already started.  The game would not be starting for more than twelve hours.  That day, a little light went on for me and I decided I would never watch another Super Bowl.  I will flip to the station a time or two or check the score on the internet, but I refuse to watch the game.  (I will make an exception if the Bengals ever make it back, but hey what are the odds of that ever happening?)

Think about it, this week we will hear all the questions about the Big Game, some might even make sense; however someone will probably come up with a gem like the one that was asked Dallas running back Emmitt Smith prior to Super Bowl XXVII.  A brilliant journalist asked him, “What are you going to wear in the game Sunday?”

Admittedly many people watch the game for the commercials.  This Sunday advertisers will pay over $5 million for a thirty-second commercial.  For Super Bowl I, that same amount of money would have bought most of the time that the game aired. If any of the commercials are good, I can always watch them on You Tube.

Some people watch it for the half-time show which is supposedly one of the most watched events in the country.  Early on, the halftime featured college and high school marching bands.  Over the years the halftime show has featured Al Hirt three times, Carol Channing twice, Up With People a record four times, Michael Jackson and wardrobe malfunction sister Janet, Diana Ross, Blues Brothers and who could forget 1989 when halftime featured, Elvis Presto an Elvis impersonator AND a magician!  In 2012 three million more people watched the halftime show than watched the game!  Maybe this is not a championship football game with a halftime show; maybe it is a fifteen minute show with half a football game before and after it?  

Just for fun – here is the Up With People halftime show from Super Bowl XVI which the Bengals actually played in.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pxK3qTsj_eE

Come be a rebel and join me in my quixotic quest, we can change the world one television set at a time.

Friday Funny January 25, 2018 Diet Jokes for the New Year

Happy Friday!  Perhaps one of your goals for 2019 is to lose a few pounds.  Now that all the holiday goodies are gone, it is time to get to it!  To inspire you, I am providing a buffet of diet jokes this week.

Enjoy!

Shredded Cheese Diet – it is a grate way to cheddar a few pounds.

Paint Store Diet – a great place to get thinner.

Garlic Diet – you don’t lose a lot of weight, but your friends think you look thinner from a distance.

Alien Diet – it helps you get rid of extra cholesterols.

Low carb diets go against the grain.

I heard about a new diet clinic that is so good that it will take your breadth away.

Nobelly Prize – awarded annually. to the world’s best dieters.

A lot of dieting is just wishful shrinking.

I have a condition that prevents me from dieting – it is called “getting hungry.”

I am on a three-week diet, so far I have lost two weeks.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.” ~ Unknown