Bobble Head Baseball

With no opening day I had to resort to bobble head baseball this afternoon.

Friday Funny March 26, 2020 Baseball Quotations

Happy Friday! Hoping this finds you and yours healthy and coping in these challenging days.  Today was to be the start of the 2020 baseball season, but like so many things at the moment that is on hold.  So, a few memorable baseball quotations will have to do for now.

Enjoy and Stay Healthy!

Nothing flatters me more than to have it assumed that I could write prose, unless it be to have it assumed that I once pitched a baseball with distinction. ~Robert Frost

No game in the world is as tidy and dramatically neat as baseball, with cause and effect, crime and punishment, motive and result, so cleanly defined. ~ Paul Gallico

I don’t want to play golf. When I hit a ball, I want someone else to go chase it. ~ Rogers Hornsby

Yesterday’s home runs don’t win today’s games. ~ Babe Ruth

You can sum up the game of baseball in one word: ‘You never know.’ ~ Joaquin Andujar

The two most important things in life are good friends and a strong bullpen. ~ Bob Lemon

Baseball is a skilled game. It’s America’s game – it, and high taxes. ~ Will Rogers

Finish last in your league and they call you idiot. Finish last in medical school and they call you doctor. ~ Abe Lemons

There are two theories on hitting the knuckleball. Unfortunately, neither of them work. ~Charley Lau

Slump? I ain’t in no slump… I just ain’t hitting. ~ Yogi Berra

Now there’s three things you can do in a baseball game: You can win or you can lose or it can rain. ~ Casey Stengel

No matter how good you are, you’re going to lose one-third of your games. No matter how bad you are you’re going to win one-third of your games. It’s the other third that makes the difference. ~Tommy Lasorda

Baseball is the only major sport that appears backwards in a mirror. ~ George Carlin

If you don’t succeed at first, try pitching. ~ Jack Harshman

He’s got power enough to hit home-runs in any park, including Yellowstone. ~ Sparky Anderson on Willie Stargell

Baseball is like driving, it’s the one who gets home safely that counts. ~ Tommy Lasorda

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

It breaks your heart. It is designed to break your heart. The game begins in spring, when everything else begins again, and it blossoms in the summer, filling the afternoons and evenings, and then as soon as the chill rains come, it stops and leaves you to face the fall alone. ~ A. Bartlett Giamatti

Fun With Telemarketers While Stuck at Home

As Mark Twin once observed, “We are cursed to live in interesting times.”  Things lately have definitely gotten “interesting.”  It appears that the majority of us are sort of stuck at home for  the time being.  We might miss the interaction with other people that we were used to.  In our effort to fill that void there might be some help from an unlikely source – telemarketers. With  a little preparation you can turn what used to be an annoying interruption into a welcome diversion.

These days a ,lot of robocalls are so-called smart robocalls, they are setup to make you think that it is alive person on the other end; however it simply has built in responses to common questions.  “Is Betty there?” or “I was about to give up on someone answering” are a couple of ways these calls tend to start.  If I get one of these calls, I try to see how quickly I can ask questions that the program has no response for.  Asking “Who were you calling?” usually begins to send the program off track.  You could ask anything, the more offbeat the better.  The goal when you get one of these is to get the “recording” to hang up on you in three questions or less. 

The process is more challenging and potentially more fun when there is a real person that you are talking to.  Your options here are limited only by your imagination.  Here are a few ideas to get you started:

Ask him/her if he/she has ever met Jake from State Farm and if he/she might be wearing khakis?

If you are asked “How are you today?” Say  “I’m so glad you asked because no one seems to understand me these days and then tell them, in minute detail, about your last trip to the grocery store.

If he/she states they are John/Joan Smith from Acme Company, ask them to spell their name.  Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is>> located.  Ask them how the weather is there, ask them if they can find toilet paper and bread at the grocery.  Ask them if they took their temperature before going to work.  Ask them if there is anyone within six feet. Keep asking questions as long as you get answers.

When they tell you their name, cry out in surprise, “John/Joan  Is that really you? Oh my goodness!  It certainly has been a long time!  Are the authorities still looking for you? 

If they say you qualify for a lower rate on your credit card, tell them that is great becasue you really do not have a clue what your balance is and you just throw the statements away when they come.   

Tell the telemarketer that with all this Covid-19 stuff going on, you are not suppossed to leave the house, so ask the telemarketer if you are on “home incarceration” and ask if they would swing by the grocery and bring you a few things.

Tell the him/her that at the moment you are working from home but if he/she will give you their HOME phone number, you will call back as soon as you are off work.

No matter what they say, insist that the caller is really your buddy Bill/Betty playing a  joke on you.“Come on Bill/Betty, cut it out!  Seriously, remember when we were in high school and used to make prank calls?”

If they say they are from Microsoft or Apple, tell them it is about time, you have been waiting for their call and make up questions around bogus tech lingo. “I think I got a faulty Flux Capacitors in my device. Should I swap out my old mother board for a new one with anamantium chips?”

Tell them that someone is at your door and ask “Can you hold on a minute?”  Walk a couple of feet away from the phone and then begin an argument with the fictitious visitor. Come back in a couple of minutes to see if they are still on the line. Repeat.

Every time you are asked a question or there is a pause in the conversation say, “I know who you are and I saw what you did.”

Tell the person that you are currently running for President and ask them if they would be willing to make a $25 donation to your campaign.

Friday Funny March 20, 2020 Stay Patient and Laugh

Happy Friday! Congratulations on surviving another week!  The world has been pretty crazy lately, but we do what we can to carry on.  My task at hand is to bring a chuckle to your Friday!

Enjoy! and Wash Your Hands!!

I had my patience tested today.  It came back negative

I went to get a haircut from an impatient barber, he cut it short.

I picked up a book by an impatient scientist, it’s about time.

I was at the doctor’s office and in the waiting room there was this very tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, the doctor saw me first. I guess he just had to be a little patient.

What did an impatient pot of water say to the noodles? Udon!?

What did the impatient vegetarian say to the waiter? Get me soup and make it snap pea!!

Is it true that an impatient communist’s favorite fish is Red Snapper?

Is it true that impatient people hate to go to the gym because of the weights?

A few weeks ago, I was at a restaurant.  I started to get impatient waiting on my food so I caught the waiter’s attention as he rushed by and asked. “How long will my spaghetti be?” He replied, “I don’t know. We don’t measure it.”

How many bricks do you need to screw in a light bulb?  Just two, but you need a lot of patience and a lot of light bulbs.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“There are three secrets to managing. The first secret is have patience. The second is be patient. And the third most important secret is patience.” ~  John McGraw, Legendary Baseball Manager

 

Friday Funny March 13, 2020 Keep Calm and Laugh

Happy Friday! Congratulations on surviving this unusual week!  There are many things to choose from to worry about this week whether it is getting your taxes done, watching your retirement funds plummet or trying to avoid the corona-virus, there is no shortage of options.  So, just for a moment take a breath and try to keep your wits even if those around you are losing theirs.

(Try to) Enjoy!

Do people still run away and join the circus?  Asking for a friend.

A friend of men told me I was delusional; I almost fell off my unicorn.

It may be just a matter of time before they add the word “syndrome” to my last name.

The only sane people left are you and me and I am beginning to have my doubts about you.

I tried to be normal once, it was the worst ten minutes of my life.

I am fine, the rest of you could use some help.

This too shall pass, it might pass like a kidney stone, but it will pass.

I lost my mind several years ago, but it does send me the occasional postcard.

There is a fine line between genius and crazy, I like to use that line as a jump rope.

Some folks aren’t just missing a screw, they are missing the whole toolbox.

You can tell a lot about a person from their favorite book.  Swiping their phone and reading their texts also works.

Some people say you can tell a lot about a man by the shoes he’s wearing.  I say you can tell a lot about a person by the simplistic means they use to make judgments about people.

Trying to understand some people is like trying to smell the color 9.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“If the world comes to an end, I want to be in Cincinnati. Everything comes there ten years later. “ ~ Mark Twain

Friday Funny March 6, 2020 Spring Forward with Jokes

Happy Friday!  Don’t forget to set your clocks up this weekend as we welcome another round of Daylight Savings Time.  Personally I enjoy the days being light later.  So, you help you usher in the change, here are a few time-related jokes for you.

Enjoy!

What does daylight-saving time mean in Seattle? An extra hour of rain.

The future, the present and the past show up at a party at the same time. Things got  pretty tense.

Growing up my friends and I really liked playing “Hide and Seek.” Sometimes the games would go on for hours and hours.  Good friends were hard to find.

I put a clock under my desk at work, now I am working overtime.

I was going to apply for a patent for a belt with a built-in watch but I decided it was just a  waist of time.

The bartender says “we don’t serve time travelers in here.” A time traveler walks into a bar.

For a while I was addicted to time travel, but that is all in my past now.

I was going to share a great joke about time travel but nobody laughed.

I joined a club of time travelers.  There have been some real fun times, so far:

       * I have made a lot of friends in the club, some of us go back years and years.

       * I won a great prize in the raffle last week, two tickets to Game 6 of the 1975 World              Series.

        * For a membership project, I invented a device to bring back herbs from the                            future.  I call it my little “thyme machine.”

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“A man who owns a watch knows what time it is. A man who owns two watches is never quite certain.” ~ Unknown

Friday Funny February 28, 2020 More Humorous Headlines

Happy Friday! I hope you can enjoy Leap Day tomorrow.  You have made it to the end of February – there is hope that Spring is on the way!  

This past week I came across three interesting headlines in the Wall Street Journal, not the place I would expect to find some bad puns, but here they are:

“The Shame of Hair Loss is Receding” – 02/22/2020

“If You Knead No-Carb Bread, It Might Cost You Some Dough” – 02/24/2020

“Surveillance Program Gets a Hard Look” – 02/24/2020

So, I scrounged around in the internet for some other amusing headlines to share with you this week.

Enjoy!

“Breathing oxygen linked to staying alive”

“Most Earthquake Damage is Caused by Shaking”

“Students Cook & Serve Grandparents”

“Blind woman gets new kidney from dad she hasn’t seen in years.”

“Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant.”

“Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board”

“Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni”

“Police Say Man With No Hands and No Legs Is Armed and On the Run”

“Psychic Arrested Again – Still Didn’t See It Coming”

“China May Be Using Sea To Hide Its Submarines”

“Barbershop Singers Bring Joy to School for Deaf”

“Bugs flying around with wings are flying bugs.”

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“A smile is the light in the window of your face that tells people you’re at home.”~Author unknown  http://WWW.QUOTEGARDEN.COM