Friday Funny September 17, 2021 More Things to Ponder

Happy Friday! Sometimes my mind wanders and when it wonders it can end up in some strange places. As Brain would ask Pinky in the cartoon, “Are you pondering what I am pondering?”

Enjoy!

Have you ever pondered why feet smell and noses run?

IF “Con” is the Opposite of “Pro”, then what is the opposite of PROGRESS?

Does it make sense that we put suits in a Garment Bag while we put Garments in a Suitcase?

If a mime is arrested by police do they need to tell him that he has the right to remain silent?

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

If you drove your car at the speed of light, and you turned your headlights on, would they work?

Have you ever pondered the difference between normal tomato ketchup  and fancy tomato ketchup?

Have you ever pondered whether or not crop circles could be square?

Have you ever pondered that when we “skate on thin ice”, we can “get in hot water”?

Have you ever pondered exactly how fast do hotcakes sell?

Does it make sense that we sing “Rock a bye baby” to lull a baby to sleep when the song is about putting a baby in a tree and letting the wind crash the cradle to the ground?

If the lights go out – where do they go?

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

The more chance there is of stubbing your toe, the more chance you have of stepping into success.” ~Author unknown

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Friday Funny September 10, 2021 Kicking Off Another Football Season

Happy Friday! There is just a touch of fall in the air and another NFL season kicks off this weekend. While many are excited for a new season, I am starting my second decade of not caring about the NFL. Mike Brown cured me during the 2010 season and I have discovered there are many other ways to spend Sunday afternoons. Allow me to kick the weekend off with a few football jokes.

Enjoy!

I understand that Tom Brady can be very polarizing sports figure. On one hand, he has five super bowl rings; butt on the other hand, he only has two.

If you crossed a football player and the Invisible Man would you get football like no one has ever seen?

I heard that Scrooge ended up with the football after the ghost of Christmas passed.

What did the football player say to the flight attendant?  “Put me in coach!”

Scrambled eggs are a lot like the Cincinnati Bengals, they’ve both been beaten.

Would you call 20 Bengals fans in the basement a whine cellar?

Is it true that the Bengals had to shut down their team website because they could not string three “W’s” together.

The Bengals have something in common with a Chick-Fil-A, neither one shows up for work on Sunday.

The Bengals have something in common with my mailman, neither deliver on Sundays.

I wanted to teach my dog to roll over and play dead so I had him watch a couple of Bengals games.

I saw there is a recall on all infant clothing with a Bengals logo on it, seems it is a a choking hazard.

Is it true the Bengals count to ten this way? 0-1, 0-2, 0-3, 0-4, 0-5, 0-6, 0-7, 0-8, 0-9, 0-10.

This week I really wanted to make some edgy football jokes on my blog – it was my goal post.

THOUGHT THE THE WEEK

“When you win, say nothing. When you lose, say less.” ~ Paul Brown

Friday Funny September 3, 2021 Hard Working Jokes for Labor Day

Happy Friday! We have come to the unofficial end of summer with the arrival of Labor Day Weekend. Let’s celebrate with some hard-working jokes.

Enjoy!

I wanted to be a Gregorian monk, but somehow, I never got the chants.

I wanted to be a competitive eater; unfortunately, I just never had the stomach for it.

I wanted to be a computer programmer, but I just couldn’t hack it.

I wanted be an engineer, but I burned too many bridges.

I wanted to be a telemarketer, but it just wasn’t my calling.

For a while I had a job as a waiter. I did not really like it but at least I was putting food on the table.

For a while I had a job as a door-to-door bicycle salesman, I was a peddler.

For a while I had a job as a hot dog vendor, I didn’t relish it. 

I once had a jab as an upholsterer, I never recovered.

I once had a job as a masseur, but I rubbed people the wrong way.

I once had a job as a Velcro salesman, but I just couldn’t stick with it.

I wanted to be a stand-up comedian, but I was worried that people would laugh at me.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream.” ~ C.S. Lewis

Friday Funny August 27, 2021 How Hot Is it?

Happy Friday! Although the calendar says that the end of summer is approaching, it appears that summer does not want to go anywhere, in fact it has been downright hot lately! How hot has has it been? Glad you asked!

Enjoy!

It is so hot that I saw Bengals fans taking the bags off their heads.

It is so hot that my firecrackers are lighting themselves.

It is so hot that Skyline cannot make chili dogs.

It is so hot that my shirts iron themselves.

It is so hot that I saw a chicken lay an omelet.

It is so hot that my delivery pizza was still warm when it arrived at my door.

It is so hot that my dream house is an igloo.

It is so hot they are going to install a fan in the debt ceiling.

It is so hot that Alexa asked to be dipped in a glass of ice water.

It is so hot that all the water buffalo at the zoo evaporated.

It is so hot that I Tabasco sauce tastes mild.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

Considering the way the world is, one happy day is almost a miracle.” ~Paulo Coelho

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Friday Funny August 20, 2021 Back To School

Happy Friday! It does not seem possible, but we are at the end of the summer school break and many schools are already back in session. So to kick off the new school year, here are some back to school jokes.

Enjoy!

Is it true that the freshman ate his homework because his teacher said it was a piece of cake?

I heard that the geometry book was sad because it had too many problems.

Did you hear about the young man who had a report card that was wet because it was below C level?

Would you call the leader of an AP biology gang the Nucleus?

Is it true that the moebius strip could not enroll in school because it required an orientation?

Would you call high school kids who have not been able to go to school because of Covid-19 Quaranteens?

I remember getting a B- for my high school sewing project. The teacher’s only comment was “seams reasonable.”

In high school I was voted Most Likely to Lie About Past Accomplishments.  It’s true.

In high school I was also voted “Most Secretive”.  I can’t tell you how much that meant to me.

I heard about a local high school band called 1023 Megabytes, they never made it to a gig.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

Nothing is as stupid as an educated man if you get him off the thing he was educated on. ~Will Rogers http://www.quotegarden.com

Friday Funny August 13, 2021 Finely Tuned Mechanic Jokes

Happy Friday! Here is wishing you an uneventful Friday the 13th! Last week we got away for a little vacation. We left in a sedan and returned in a Chevy Tahoe! Saturday morning as we were heading north from Knoxville on our way home, our car suddenly lost most of its power and the little engine line started flashing. We pulled off and discovered we were only a couple of miles from Rusty Wallace Kia. It was Saturday morning and the Service Department was open. After some diagnostics we were told the problem was that the engine was failing and we needed a new engine! Not what you really want to hear on the way home from vacation, but the folks at the dealership were very nice and got us back on the road before lunch. Not happy that there was a problem, but Kia is covering the cost of the repair and the rental. So in honor of the latest chapter of my vacation mis-adventures, here are some mechanic jokes for you.

Enjoy!

I wanted to be a mechanic when I was younger but I lacked fine motor skills.

When I went to the garage the other day, the mechanic was having snacks and coffee, I think he was on his brake.

 Is it true that auto mechanics like their toast with traffic jam?

The other day I saw car that had no tires – it was totally unwheel.

I took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise, he removed the Justin Bieber CD, and now it’s fine.

The other night I had a dream that I was a mechanic who fixed wrecked cars, I think it was an auto body experience.

I think the mechanic in my local garage has amnesia.  I took my car for an oli change and he asked me what year it was.

I like the uniform mechanics wear…overall.

I had a mechanic friend who developed an addition to brake fluid; he told me not to worry, he could stop anytime he wanted to.

Last week I was driving home and I saw my mechanic on the side of the road, crying loudly. I am not sure what happened, but it was clear he had a breakdown.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“When your dreams turn to dust, vacuum.” ~Author unknown

Friday Funny July 30, 2021 Jokes You Should Have Seen Coming

Happy Friday! We come to the end of July and there is still a lot of uncertainly as to where things are headed in 2021. Sometimes one might think it would be useful to see into the future. I am not so sure that would be helpful, but I do see some jokes about fortune telling in your future.

Enjoy!

I friend told me that he had call a psychic due to strange sightings of a chicken’s spirit haunting his home.  It turned out it was a  poultrygeist.

A psychic walks into a bar, but he should have seen it coming, right?

Would you call a psychic who is bad at predicting the future a non-prophet?

Did the psychic chicken cross the road to get in touch with the other side?

Would you call a psychic kitchen remodeler Counter Intuitive?

I had a psychic claim that she could tell what’s inside a wrapped birthday present. – She said it was a gift.

I heard about a psychic hermit crab, he makes shell-fulfilling prophecies.

Would you call an albino clairvoyant master hypnotist from Las Angeles a Super Pallid Cali Mystic Expert At Hypnosis?

I knew someone who started her career as a psychic but gave it up because she did not see any future in it.

Would you call an obese psychic a four chin teller?

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“I’m a psychic amnesiac, I know in advance what I’ll forget.” ~ Steven Wright

Friday Funny July 23, 2021 More Jokes for the Dog Days of Summer

Happy Friday! We are approaching that time of the year referred to as the “Dog Days of Summer.” Seems like a good time to unleash some dog jokes.

Enjoy!

I heard that dogs tend to run in circles because they find it too difficult to run in squares.

I crossed a sheepdog with a rose, now I have a collie-flower.

I crossed a dog with a frog, now I have a croaker-spaniel.

I crossed my dog with a calculator, now I have a friend I can count on.

I tried to cross my dog with a computer but I ended with too many bites.

My dog really loves my smartphone.  It has collar ID.

I took my dog to the park but the ducks kept trying to bite him. I guess that is what I should have expected with a pure bread.

I once took in a wild dog that I found.  He spent a lot of time meditating; I think he was an aware wolf.

I finally figured out how to stop my dog from digging up the garden.  I hid his shovel.

I recently purchased a dog from a blacksmith, as soon as I got him home, he made a bolt for the door.

The other day a Policeman came to my door to tell me that my dog had been chasing a guy on his bike.  That really threw me off, I did not know that my dog was even able to ride a bike.

Thought for the Week

What do dogs do on their day off? Can’t lie around – that’s their job.” ~ George Carlin

Friday Funny July 16, 2021 Milking Cow Puns

Happy Friday! When was the last time you came across some cow puns? Well I am glad you asked!

Enjoy!

Did you hear about the cow that had a knack for magic tricks?  She was a regular Moo-dini.

It is useless to tell anything to a cow, it just goes in one ear and out the udder.

Is it true that cows have hooves instead of feet because they lactose?

Did you hear about the cow who went to her therapist because she felt that she was seen, but not herd?

Is it true that cows make great dancers because they have all the best moooves?

Would you call a cow who’s just given birth de-calfinated?

Would you call a cow who wanted to be a knight Sir Loin?

Is it true that the cow crossed the road to get to the udder side?

Is it true that cows do not have any money because farmers keep draining them dry?

If you feel like you’ve herd all these cow puns before, you probably have deja-moo.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“I could dance with you until the cows come home.  On second thought I’d rather dance with the cows until you come home.” ~ Groucho Marx

Friday Funny July 9, 2021 A Double Dip of Ice Cream Jokes

Happy Friday! Summer is in full swing and that means warm weather and warm weather needs ice cream! I admit I have a weakness for ice cream that goes back to visiting and working at Sherer’s Ice Cream growing up. So let’s kick off this weekend with a generous serving of ice cream humor.

Enjoy!

Is it true that a Jedi’s favorite flavor of ice cream is Obi-Wan Spumoni?

Is it true that a geologist’s favorite flavor of ice cream is Rock erode?

Is it true that ice cream cones make good journalists because they always get the scoop?

Is it true that ice cream cones are bad at tennis because they have a soft serve?

I was offered a job at the local ice cream shop but I turned it down because I don’t like working on sundaes.

Did you hear about the ice cream man with the broken freezer?  He had a liquidation sale.

Did you hear about the anarchist ice cream maker who simply wanted to watch the world churn?

I have a lactose intolerant friend who sells ice cream for a living.  He can’t take it, but he can dish it out.

I have a friend who discovered he had purchased way too much ice cream – he had Breyer’s remorse.

I heard that they passed a law banning ice cream.  Fortunately, they went to court and it was ruled un-cone-stitutional!

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

My advice to you is not to inquire why or whither, but just enjoy your ice cream while it’s on your plate.” ~ Thornton Wilder