Friday Funny April 28, 2017 This Week’s Stock Report

Happy Friday!  With the stock market reaching historic highs, it seemed like a good time to share market insights.

Enjoy!

Among the happenings in the stock markets this week:

The price of Starbucks perked up

Recent events have taken a bite out Apple’s market value

United Airlines was dragged down by the market

Daily volume for UPS has picked up

Ford prices have temporarily stalled

MasterCard is charging ahead

Gillette’s profit margins are razor-thin

Investors seem to be losing interest in Wells Fargo

AT&T has dialed-up its forecast

Microsoft appears ready for a reboot

Marlboro’s profits are going up in smoke.

Lowe’s profits are in rebuilding stage

Thought for the Week

“The four most dangerous words in investing are: ‘this time it’s different.'” – Sir John Templeton

Where is Betty?

I try to be an easy-going guy, but I do have my pet peeves and among said pet peeves are calls from telemarketers.  I have had my share of calls from Rachel at card services, Bill who sounded suspiciously Indian who told me he was from Microsoft Services and had been monitoring my computer (talk about a boring job!), recordings telling me that I had won a cruise for having visited a resort I had never been to, offers for “free” alarm systems, and, of course, calls telling me that this was my last warning from the IRS before being arrested.  Depending on my mood, I hang up or play along for a few minutes before hanging up. 

Recently I have come across a new twist.  The phone rings, I answer it and the person on the other end asks, “Is Betty there?”  There is no one named Betty in my family and I do not know very many Betty’s.  I reply that the person must have the wrong number.  The person on the other end then replies, “Maybe you can help me and goes into their spiel to solicit a charitable donation.  Over the last few months I have received this call from a lady and I can recognize her voice.  Today, the call came from a man.  I just hang up, about the time they get “maybe you can h” out of their mouth.  However, I have one question that I really want to ask, “If you have no idea who you are calling, why would I want to give money to your organization?”  I would also like to ask what marketing “genius” came up with the idea to ask for Betty whenever someone answers the phone?

Now that I have experienced this a few times, I will try to be ready the next time someone call asking for Betty.  I am trying to decide which response I will use or it they keep calling I may use them all?

Betty is not here right now, but this is Mr. Rubble, may I take a message?

I’m sorry, Betty was fired last week and was indicted by a Grand Jury this morning?

Just a moment – then put the phone down and see how long they wait for her.

Wait just a minute, Betty said she had told you never to call her here.

How did you get this number?  This is a secure line which is constantly monitored. The SWAT team will be at your door in three and a half minutes.

Betty?,,,,, so that is the name she is using these days is it?  How do you know her?

Betty?  I have not used that name since I worked undercover for the CIA.  Who told you to call me???

Friday Funny April 21, 2017 Jokes You Can Sink Your Teeth Into

Happy Friday!  Spring is in the air! Baseball season is underway!  Taxes are done!  Time to have a great weekend!

Enjoy!

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

I have often wondered if bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis?

Why did the chicken cross the road?  I’m not certain but it sure was poultry in motion.

Did you see the movie about the hot dog? I heard it was an Oscar Wiener.

Why do watermelons have fancy weddings? Because they cantaloupe. 

How do you fix a broken tomato? With tomato paste! 

Why did the student eat his homework?  The teacher told him it was a piece of cake.

How can you tell if an elephant has been in your refrigerator? Footprints in the cheesecake.

What’s in an astronaut’s favorite sandwich?  Launch meat!

I asked the Maitre D’ if they served crabs.  He replied, “Yes Sir,” replied the waiter. “We’ll serve just about anybody.”

Did you hear the joke about oatmeal?  It’s a lot of mush.

Thought for the Week

I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast anytime.” So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance. ~Steven Wright

http://www.quotegarden.com

Friday Funny April 14, 2017 Laughing Down the Bunny Trail

Happy Friday!  Happy Easter and Happy Passover!  To be honest, the Easter Bunny has never been one of my favorite characters.  Perhaps it was the disappointment of unwrapping and biting into a nice chocolate bunny only to discover it was not solid chocolate, but only a thin, hollow shell.  But, there are some jokes about the Easter Bunny and it is Friday, so enjoy!

How can you find the Easter bunny? Eggs (x) marks the spot.

What kind of bunny can’t hop? A chocolate one.

Why did the Easter egg hide? He was a little chicken.

How did the soggy Easter Bunny dry himself? With a hare dryer!

Where does the Easter Bunny study medicine? John HOPkins University

What does the Easter Bunny get for making a basket? Two points, just like anyone else.

Is it true that the Easter Bunny get his eggs from eggplants?

Why do we paint Easter eggs? Because it is a lot easier than wallpapering them.

Would you call a mischievous Easter egg a practical yolker?

Does the Easter bunny eat really breakfast at IHOP?

Would you call ten rabbits marching backwards a receding hareline?

If you crossed the Easter Bunny with an overstressed person would you have an Easter basket case?

If you crossed the Easter Bunny with Chinese food would you get Hop suey?

Thought for the Week

Jesus Christ did not come into this world to make bad people good: He came into this world to make dead people live. ~ Lee Strobel

Friday Funny April 7, 2017 More Accountant Jokes

\

Happy Friday!  It is time for my annual public service announcement to remind you that time is running out to file your 2016 tax return.   While you are getting all those numbers lines up, this is a perfect opportunity to poke a little fun at the accountants out there, myself included.

Enjoy!

How does an accountant stay out of debt? He learns to act his/her wage.

What’s grey and not there? An accountant on vacation.

How do accountants make a bold fashion statement? Wear their dark grey socks instead of the light grey.

Just remember that It’s accrual world out there so be audit you can be!

Is it true that homeless accountants live in tax shelters?

What do you call an accountant without a spreadsheet? Lost.

How can you tell it an introverted accountant from an extroverted accountant? An introverted accountant looks at his shoes when he talks to you while an extroverted accountant looks at your shoes while he’s talking to you.

Did you hear the joke about the extremely charismatic and interesting accountant? I haven’t either.

If you read your son the story of Cinderella and when you get to the part where the pumpkin turns into a golden carriage, he asks you “Daddy, is that ordinary income or a capital gain?”  He just might grow up to be an accountant.

A woman goes to the doctor and is told that she only has 6 months left to live.
Quite alarmed, the woman asks the doctor, “What shall I do?!”
“If I were you, I would marry an accountant,” suggested the doctor.
“And that will make me live longer? asked the woman. 
“It won’t make you live any longer,” replied the doctor. “But it will undoubtedly be the longest six months of your life.”

Thought for the Week

Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today. ~Herman Wouk

http://www.quotegarden.com

A Left Handed Compliment

Baseball season is upon us!  Once again all fans are full of hope that this will be “the year” for their team ….even if those hope are destined to be dashed before the end of May.  

As far back as I can remember, I have enjoyed baseball.  I can remember being disappointed in second grade when many of my classmates were old enough to play baseball, but because my birthday was after the cutoff date the only thing I could do was wait for one more long year to play on a team.  

But before I ever put on a hot, scratchy, wool Little League uniform, I had played hours upon hours of baseball.   I do almost everything right-handed; however, anything with a two-handed grip, I do left-handed.  There are advantages to batting left-handed:  it puts you a step closer to first base plus your momentum is  already carrying you towards first base as you follow-through on your swing.  Despite the advantages, there is only one reason why I bat left-handed: my big brother is left-handed.  

If you have an older brother, the odds are that you looked up to him when you were little.  Having a brother who is eight years older gave me a lot to look up to.  He was always bigger, faster, stronger, smarter than I was.  Of course there were times when he could be a pain – literally – like the time he said he was going to teach me to box which was really just an excuse to hit me for a while.  But I looked up to him and I wanted to be like him, so I started batting left-handed and always have.

He threw me an awful lot of batting practice and he had some unique approaches to teaching the art of hitting.  His cure for when I was afraid of getting hit by a pitch? He would  deliberately throw at me!  If I hit the pitch then it did not hit me.  I suppose there some twisted logic there somewhere.

I have three adult sons and two of them have always batted left-handed (the oldest just would not get with the program).  So, thanks Mike, for sharing your love of baseball with your little brother and for teaching me that “left is best.”

Friday Funny March 31, 2017 In The Names of Love

Happy Friday!  I believe it was Alfred Lord Tennyson who said, “In the Spring a young man’s fancy lightly turns to thoughts of love.”  There are also times when said young man should have taken just a moment to think about how the names would look like on the wedding announcements.  Here are a few of my favorites.

Enjoy!

Flem-Green

Gorey – Butcher

Golden-Showers

Moore-Bacon

Looney – Warde

Hardy-Harr

MacDonald-Berger

Burger-King

Wendt-Adaway

Broeker-Nuckles

Gowen-Geter

Hunt-Kapture

Poore-Sapp

Ruff-Goings

Rather-Grim

House-Reckker

Thought for the Week

“Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love. “~Albert Einstein

http://www.quotegarden.com