Friday Funny October 23, 2020 More Jokes That Ring A Bell

Happy Friday!  I know I am behind the curve because I still have a LAN line.  It come in handy when I need to find my cell phone!  Most of the calls that come on it these days are telemarketers or political pitches.  So, this week I dialed up some phone related jokes,

Enjoy!

Is it true that telemarketers don’t have managers, they have ring leaders?

Is it true that it only takes one telemarketer to change a light bulb, but they have to do it while you’re eating dinner? 

Is it true that the hobbit set his cell phone to vibrate because he was afraid the ring would give him away?

The other day I had a call from a telemarketer in Egypt, I think they were trying to sell me on a pyramid scheme. 

If a zombie was a telemarketer would you call him a dead ringer?

Did you hear about the crow who worked as a telemarketer?  He was fired for Just Caws.

I have a friend who really enjoys his job as a telemarketer, it seems he has found his calling.

Last week I went fishing for telephones, but they kept ringing off the hook.

The other night I left my phone under my pillow and when I woke up it was gone and there was a $5 bill in its place.  I think might have been the Bluetooth fairy.

I just can’t picture myself without a camera phone.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Some people get lost in thought because it’s such unfamiliar territory.” ~G. Behn

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Friday Funny October 16, 2020 Bookish Humor

Happy Friday!  As the days get a bit cooler and shorter, it is a great time to curl up with a good book and maybe a few book jokes too.

Enjoy!

The other day I went to the library and I asked the librarian for a book on Schrodinger’s Cat and Pavlov’s dog.  She said it rang a bell but she didn’t know if it was there or not.

Then I asked where I could find the self-help section.  She just looked and me and told me that if she told me where it was, that would defeat the purpose. 

Then I asked her if they had any books on paranoia.  She leaned over and whispered, “they’re right behind you.”

Then She suggested a book about Stockholm Syndrome.  It had a pretty bad start, but by the end I really liked it.

She also told me that she had won a Lifetime Achievement Award from the Librarians Association, it seems she had a storied career.

Last week, I started reading a book about an immortal dog.  It was impossible to put down

I really liked the Harry Potter books but I think the character of Nearly Headless Nick was pretty poorly executed.

My grandson noticed me read “War and Peace”, and asked, “Why is that book so thick?”  “Well,” I said, “it’s a long story.”

I have written a book on tapeworms.  In hindsight, paper would have been better.

I am considering killing some characters in the book I am writing. I think it would definitely spice up my autobiography.

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A chicken walks into a library, and says to the librarian: “Book, book, book.”

The librarian takes three books and hands them to the chicken.

On the way out the chicken runs into a frog and shows him the books and says: “Book, book, book.”

The frog replies: “Reddit, reddit, reddit.”

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Never judge a book by its movie.” ~ J. W. Eagan

 

Robot Curling – The Beginning of the End?

With all that is going on in the world these days, you might have missed the recent news about curling.  OK, if there was nothing going on in the world, you probably would have missed any news about curling.  However, there was development last month that might have some serious implications for the curling world, the sport world, and perhaps humanity itself.

The big curling news was that a robot named Curly (apparently besides being boring, curling types are also not very creative) beat not one, but two elite Korean national teams. If you are not familiar with curling, the sport is sort of a mix of bowling, chess, and sweeping the floor. A player called the “thrower” gently slides a mutant-puck made of granite, aka “stone”, releasing it before crossing  a boundary line, aka “hogline.” The idea is to glide the stone 100 feet down the rink to the target, aka “house.” Then the  opposing team does the same thing, so both teams try accumulate stones in the house. At the end of the round, the team with the stone closest to the center of the target gets a point. If that team has extra stones closer to the center than the opposing team, those tally additional points. Yes, this sounds as riveting as it actually is, aka “not.”

The point is that Curly is actually a big achievement in machine intelligence, one that could have implications for robotics beyond the rink.  Perhaps in the future, you might see robot curling in the Olympics, perhaps that might lead to other robot sports:  robot bob-sledding, robot hockey, robot football, robot boxing, robot baseball.  Who know where it might end?  Perhaps it will go beyond sports to other things.  But before you get too excited about the robot enhanced future watch “The Matrix” or “Terminator.”  I don’t think those movies really went into details of how the robot revolution begain, maybe they started with curlling?

 

Friday Funny October 9, 2020 Squirrel Jokes

Happy Friday!  Fall is in the air, the leaves are changing color and the squirrels are out gathering food for the coming winter.  So, why not a few squirrel jokes to kick off this Friday?

Enjoy!

If the way to catch a squirrel is to climb up a tree and act like a nut – then

     Would you catch a Polynesian squirrel by climbing a tree and acting like a coconut?

     Would you catch a squirrel for the holidays by climbing a tree and acting like nutmeg?

     Would you catch a rich squirrel by climbing a tree and acting like a cashew?

Did the blind man cross the road because his dog saw a squirrel?

Is a squirrel’s favorite way to watch TV by streaming Nut-flix?

The other day, I was chasing a squirrel in my back yard. The squirrel ran up a tree and I totaled my car.

I got kicked out of the park today for arranging the squirrels by height, it seems they did not appreciate my critter sizing.

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A squirrel was sitting on the branch of a tree when suddenly it began shaking violently.  He looks down and is quite surprised to see an elephant climbing up the tree.  “What in the world are you doing?” cried the squirrel. “I want to come up and eat some cherries,” replied the elephant.  “This is an oak tree, there aren’t any cherries here,” said the squirrel.  “It’s okay,” said the elephant. “I’ve brought my own.”

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There was a man who trying to cross the street. As he steps off the curb a car comes screaming around the corner and heads straight for him.

Frightened, the man begins to walk faster, trying to hurry across the street, but the car changes lanes and continues coming at him.

So the guy quickly turns around to go back the way he come, but the car changes lanes again and is still coming right at him. By now, the car is so close and the man is so scared that he just freezes and stops in the middle of the road. The car gets within inches, then swerves at the last possible moment and screeches to a halt next him.

The driver rolls down the window. To the man’s astonishment, the driver is a squirrel! The squirrel looks at the man and yells, “See! It’s not as easy as it looks, is it!?”

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

The first requirement in taking a step in the right direction is to take a step in some direction. ~Robert Brault, rbrault.blogspot.com

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Things That Irritate Me – #17 Self-Serve Coffee Preparers

I admit that there are a few things in life that irritate me, my wife would say there are a LOT of things that irritate me.  One of the things that I get irritated and impatient with is the person that tends to be in front of me at the hotel self-serve coffee bar.  I go to the coffee bar at the hotel bar for what, I think is the obvious reason – I would like a cup of coffee.  However, it seems like I always get a person in front of me who either thinks they are auditioning for a career as a barista ore believes that pouring a cup of coffee is some sort of abstract performance art.

My process consists of the following steps:

  1. grab a cup
  2. pour coffee
  3. stir
  4. grab a lid
  5. get out of the way

Depending on how fast the coffee flows out of the decanter, this process can take as little as 5 seconds.

HOWEVER, I the person that inevitably is in front of me at the coffee bar usually goes through the following steps:

  1. thoughtfully select a cup
  2. thoughtfully examine all coffee decanters in view
  3. thoughtfully examine all other items on the coffee bar
  4. fill cup 3/8s full from one decanter
  5. thoughtfully take a sip of coffee
  6. fill cup another 3/8s from another decanter
  7. thoughtfully take a sip of coffee
  8. pick up a sugar packet, shake for 5 seconds, tear and deposit sugar in coffee
  9. stir coffee
  10. thoughtfully take a sip of coffee
  11. pick up another  sugar packet, shake for 5 seconds, tear and deposit sugar in coffee
  12. stir coffee
  13. thoughtfully take a sip of coffee
  14. add half and half to coffee
  15. stir coffee
  16. thoughtfully take a sip of coffee
  17. add honey to coffee
  18. stir coffee
  19. thoughtfully take a sip of coffee
  20. add a touch of cinnamon to coffee
  21. stir coffee
  22. thoughtfully take a sip of coffee
  23. add almond milk to coffee
  24. stir coffee
  25. thoughtfully take a sip of coffee
  26. pick up another  sugar packet, shake for 5 seconds, tear and deposit sugar in coffee
  27. stir coffee
  28. thoughtfully take a sip of coffee
  29. thoughtfully select a lid
  30. put lid on while being certain to remain in the middle of the coffee bar
  31. thoughtfully take a sip of coffee
  32. slowly begin to walk away

While I watch this process takes place, I am certain that several minutes have elapsed and I am now more in need of my coffee than ever.  I approach the coffee bar and 5 seconds later I have my coffee and am on way.  I do notice as I walk away that the person who was in front of me has turned around and is heading back to the coffee bar with a thoughtful look on her face.

Friday Funny September 25, 2020 Fall Jokes

Happy Friday! Happy Fall! Congratulations for surviving the summer of 2020!  Hopefully even as the days grow shorter the outlook will grow brighter.  Don’t stop be-leafing in the wonder of fall!

Enjoy!

I would tell you my autumn joke but you probably wouldn’t fall for it.

Did you hear about the scarecrow who was outstanding in his field?

Is it true that the vehicle of choice for a scarecrow is an Autumn-mobile?

Is it true that leaves fall off of trees in the Autumn because of nostalgia as they are simply trying to get back to their roots?

Would you call a pepper in late autumn a little chili?

Did the apple pie cry because its peelings were hurt?

Do the leaves turn colors at the same time each year because the process is autumnated?

If a tree deserted the forest at the end of fall would it be considered absent without leaves?

Did you know that, in addition to migratory birds, lions also move at the end of summer? It is true that the pride goeth before the fall.

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall – hope you do too!

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

And myriad leaves, on which the Summer wrote
Her blushing farewell, at my feet were strown.
~Albert Laighton (1829–1887), “In the Woods,” c.1859

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Friday Funny September 17, 2020 – Car Names

Happy Friday!  Some folks believe that what you drive makes a statement about who you are: however, with some of these names I wonder what the marketing department was thinking.

Some of these are still being manufactured, some can still be found on the road and others are long gone, but the names live on.

Enjoy!

MR2 – The Toyota MR2 was a sporty little number whose production stopped in Japan in 2007.  I can hear the marketing genius, “MR some nice cars they’re making these days.”

Cappucino – Just swing by your favorite coffee shop and pick up a Suzuki Cappucino.

Thing – I think the entire marketing department at Volkswagen must have all been on vacation.

Nova – in Spanish – “no va” Translation: “Doesn’t go.”

Dodge Diplomat/Chevrolet – these were not driven by celebrities nor diplomats.

Eclipse – biggest problem is that you can never see it when there is another car parked between it and you.

Prism – what color is it?  Well that depends on how the sun hits it.

Aspire – what does it aspire to?  Being a better car perhaps?

Protégé – it has the potential to one day be a really good car.

Brat – a small ill-mannered and annoying vehicle, isn’t that just what everyone would want?

Yaris – might be a great car, but it sounds like it might be the little brother of Yoda.

Eldorado a car named after a mythical city in South America– did this car really exist or is it just a legend?

Fury  – the ideal car for road rage before we had a name for road rage.

Excel – the perfect car for accountants or anyone who likes spreadsheets.

Fusion –  maybe if you drive fast enough it liquefies or explodes.

Meteor – does it glow brighter the faster you drive it until it blows up into tiny pieces?

Gremlin – it did sort of look like it had been manufactured by a band of small mischievous gnomes.

Hornet – name a car after a pesky, stinging insect? 

Leaf – does it turn brown and blow away in the fall?

Monte Carlo – every time you turn the key, it’s a gamble.

Satellite – has a tendency to just circle the parking lot over and over again.

Probe – I won’t even touch this one

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers. ~Dave Barry, “Things That It Took Me 50 Years to Learn”

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Friday Funny September 11, 2020 A Full Serving of Diet Jokes

Happy Friday!  Perhaps all of the quarantining has you dealing with a few Covid pounds that that have sneaked onto your frame.  I cannot help you jettison those pounds, but I can let you binge on a few diet jokes.

Enjoy!

If I had a dollar for every time I said that I was going to go on a diet, I would have enough money to buy that treadmill that I am never going to use.

I was going to begin a new diet tonight, but I have too much on my plate.

I started a 10-day crash diet last week.  I don’t want to brag, but I finished it in one day.

I am thinking about going on a cheese only diet – I need to cheddar a few pounds.

I was going to put my dog on a vegan diet but he doesn’t really like vegans.

Would you call a fascist vegan lactose intolerant?

I’ve heard that in an upcoming Star Wars movie Luke will be sent to a Jedi in Italy who specializes diets, his name is Only One Cannoli.

Do you know what diets and social distancing have in common – they both flatten the curve.

I asked my wife if it would be good to include hot dogs in my diet.  She said, “They’re not the wurst.”

I’ve decided to start the Cincinnati Bengal diet – not much happens through the week but I expect to lose a lot on Sundays.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends. ~Author unknown

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Friday Funny September 4, 2020 More Sleep Jokes

Happy Friday and welcome to September!  Labor Day weekend brings with it the unofficial end of a very strange summer.  2020 has brought many concerns that might have caused you to loose some sleep.  If you cannot sleep maybe you can ponder a few sleep related jokes while you stare at the ceiling.

Enjoy!

Apparently, I snore so loudly that I can scare all the passengers in my car while I am driving.

Every morning after I wake up, the first thing I do is make my bed.  I am about ready to return it to Ikea.

I purchased an off-brand Memory foam mattress; it cannot remember who I am.

I know a couple who bought a water bed back when they were popular.  Since then they have drifted apart.

I read that almost one-third of people let their pet sleep on the bed with them.  I thought I would give it a try, my goldfish died.

They say that everyone dreams in black and white.  I am pretty sure that my dreams are in color.  Could it just be a pigment of my imagination?

I was going to tell you about my dream involving a Lion, a Witch and a Wardrobe, but I decided that it is Narnia business.

Once I had a disturbing dream where I was trapped in Panama during a snowstorm. It turns out I was just dreaming of a white isthmus

The other night I had a dream that I was swimming in an entire ocean of  orange soda, it turns out it was just a Fanta sea.

I had a recurring dream once.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

Sleep: a poor substitute for caffeine. ~Author Unknown

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Friday Funny August 28,2020 College Essentials

As we come to the end of August, it is usually time for college campuses to begin to buzz anew with activity. Like everything else in 2020, the return to campus is not “business as usual.” For those that are packing up and heading to a college campus, there are a number of lists out there of the “essential” things one needs to take along with them.

Looking at these lists, like many things these days, makes me feel old.  Ages ago when I headed off to college what I could take along was limited to what I could fit in a footlocker and a suitcase.

Some of these items, while perhaps essential today would not have done me much good way back when.

Enjoy!

A wallet that sticks to the back of your phone.  – Not sure why I would have wanted to have my wallet stuck to the one phone that was on the wall down the hall.

An iPod, headphones and a blue tooth speaker.  – Back in my day, I had a quadraphonic system with four wired speakers and a selection of vinyl albums.

A microwave that will make your favorite dishes – While one can run out today and buy a microwave for under $50, they were a lot more when I was younger.  I was out of college and married for a couple of years before I could afford a microwave.

Laptop computer and printer. – As a high school graduation present, I received a great item that could do the tasks of both word processing and printing, it was called a typewriter.

32-Inch 1080p Smart LED TV – Survived my freshman year with no TV, sophomore year my roommate brought a 12-inch black & white TV. 

A tablet/kindle for reading in your free time. – If, and that is a big if, I had free time and felt like reading, I could go to a place on campus that was called a library and read an item called a book, no batteries or charging were required.

A moleskin journal that you can use for handy notes, the article recommends one that can be purchased for $25.99.  I guess I was not cool or fashionable with my $0.79 college ruled spiral notebooks.

 Hydro-Flask Water Bottle for carrying water around.  Back in my day, somehow, we could manage to make it through an hour without a glass of water.  Then between classes one could stop by something called a water-fountain.

Small iron & ironing pad.  I am pretty sure I survived my college years without ironing a single item

Cleaning supplies: Surface spray or wipes, laundry detergent, dish soap, aromatic room spray, stain remover, etc. – Because every college student is fastidiously clean, right?

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

No man should escape our universities without knowing how little he knows.  ~J. Robert Oppenheimer

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