Friday Funny August 18, 2017 Beyond a Shadow

Happy Friday!  I hope you have had a great week.  There is a lot of excitement over the much-anticipated eclipse next week.  So buy your special sunglasses and brush up on a little eclipse humor.

Enjoy!

How does the Man in the Moon cut his hair?  Eclipse it!

How do you organize an eclipse party?  You planet!

Some people can tell what time it is simply by looking at the sun.  I am impressed by that, I have never been able to make out the numbers.

I remember when I was a kid I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, it finally dawned on me.

I heard that they opened a restaurant on the moon.  They say the food was great but it lacked atmosphere.

I heard that a moon rock is tastier than an earth rock because it is a little meteor.

Is a light year like a regular year but with a third less calories?

I thought about majoring in astronomy when I was in college, but figured that I would just be taking up space.

With all the excitement about the upcoming eclipse I wanted to gain a better understanding of what was really happening, so I went to a show at the planetarium but I have to admit that the program was over my head.

I heard that NASA wants to send a wildebeest into orbit seems they want a brave gnu whirled.

Thought for the Week

It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

http://www.quotegarden.com

 

Friday Funny August 11, 2017 Zombie jokes

Happy Friday!  Don’t look behind you, a zombie might be gaining on you!

Enjoy!

Q: What does it take to become a zombie?
A: DEADication!

Q: What did the zombie’s friend say when he introduced him to his girlfriend?
A: Good grief! Where did you dig her up from?

Q: What is a zombie’s favorite toy?
A: A DEADY bear!

Q: What did the zombie say before his fight?
A: Do you want a piece of me?

Q: Why did the zombie cross the road?
A: He wanted to eat the chicken!

Q: What has a dog’s head, a cat’s tail and brains all over its face?
A: A zombie coming out of the pet store!

Q: What did the zombie say to his date?
A: I just love a woman with BRAAAINS!

Q: Where do most zombies live?                                                                                                            A: On DEAD end streets! 

Q: What did the man say to his forgetful zombie wife?                                                                      A: You forgot your HEAD because it wasn’t attached!

Q: Did you hear about the zombie who tortured his victims with music?                                   A: His BACH was worse than his bite!

Thought for the Week

I am one of those people who just can’t help getting a kick out of life — even when it’s a kick in the teeth. ~Polly Adler

http://www.quotegarden.com

 

Friday Funny August 4, 2017 Wise Words of Mark Twain

Happy Friday! It is hard to believe that August is here and back-to-school is just around the corner.  This week, let’s dust off some memorable lines from one of America’s most notable writers, Mark Twain.

Enjoy!

The secret of getting ahead is getting started.

When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old.

I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.

Let us so live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.

Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.

Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.

Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with.

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.

It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.

The best way to cheer yourself is to try to cheer someone else up.

The man who doesn’t read good books has no advantage over the man who can’t read them.

Thunder is good, thunder is impressive; but it is lightning that does the work.

It’s no wonder that truth is stranger than fiction. Fiction has to make sense.

Action speaks louder than words but not nearly as often.

All generalizations are false, including this one.

Thought for the Week

If the world comes to an end, I want to be in Cincinnati. Everything comes there ten years later.~ often attributed to Mark Twain

Friday Funny July 28, 2017 More Elephant Jokes

Happy Friday!  Another work week is winding down. So, here is a baker’s dozen of elephant jokes to brighten your day.  I know you will groan, but I bet you will tell at least one of them to someone today!

Enjoy!

Q: What do you call an elephant that rides a bus?
A: A passenger.

Q: Why don’t African elephants like to play cards?
A: Because of all the cheetahs.

Q: What kind of elephants live at the North Pole?
A: Cold ones.

Q: How do elephants talk to each other?
A: By ’elephone.

Q: Where do you find elephants?
A: It depends on where you left them.

Q: Why don’t elephants ride bicycles?
A: They don’t have thumbs to ring the bell.

Q: What weighs 5,000 pounds and wears glass slippers?
A: Cinderelephant!

Q: What did the cat say to the elephant?
A: “Meow!”

Q: How many elephants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Don’t be silly, elephants can’t change light bulbs!

Q: What do you know when you see three elephants walking down the street wearing red sweatshirts?
A: They’re all on the same team.

Q: How do you fit 5 elephants in a Volkswagen Beetle?
A: Two in the front, two in the back, and one in the glove compartment.

Q: What do you give a seasick elephant?
A: Lots of room.

Q: What do elephants do for laughs?
A: They tell people jokes.

Thought for the Week

“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas.  How he got into my pajamas, I’ll never know” ~ Groucho Marx

 

Friday Funny July 21, 2017 Tips for Staying Cool

Happy Friday!  We are definitely in the midst of summer.  The days are long and hot! Here a few tips you might want to try to help you beat the heat this weekend.

Enjoy!

Wear lighter color clothes, preferable made of cotton – try picking out your clothes before you go to bed and put them in the refrigerator over night.

If your feet are hot, your feel hot all over – so when you pick out your socks, put them in the freezer overnight.

While you are in the freezer, grab an ice tray and some food coloring and make some festive ice cubes.  In the morning when yo are pulling your socks out, make an ice-cube necklace or bracelet.  This is a great and cool way to accessorize your summer look.

Make a trip to the grocery store.  Most likely they are air-conditioned, so you can cool off as you shop.  If you are lucky you can find a fairly empty freezer in one of the aisles that will be empty enough for you to lie down in and take a quick, cool nap before management escorts you out of the store,

On your way out of the grocery be sure to pick up some frozen dinners.  It is too hot to cook.  If you like your food extra cool and crispy skip the over and the microwave and just eat the dinner frozen.  

Another item to pick up on your way out of the grocery is some dry ice.  This is perfect for a quick cool down for that hot cup of coffee.  As an added bonus, you drop just a little bit into your cup at work and it will look like steam rising from you coffee.  You can walk away from your office for hours and everyone who comes looking for you will think, “gee I just missed him/her because he/she just stepped away from a hot cup of coffee.”

Bring a sprinkler with you to the office.  It will cool everyone down and build camaraderie at the same time.  You might want to cover your computer with plastic first.

Remember as a kid how you loved a good water balloon fight to cool you down?  Take it the next level and leave the water balloons in the freezer overnight

Rent a Zamboni and get a nice layer of ice down on your driveway.  Slide, skate, just sit down on it or start-up a neighborhood hockey game.

Finally here is a great two-step process for a cool nights sleep.  First find that old water bed mattress that is gathering dust in the attic, then rent an Icee machine,  Fill the water-bed full of Icee and a cool, refreshing night awaits.

Thought for the Week

Then followed that beautiful season… Summer….
Filled was the air with a dreamy and magical light; and the landscape
Lay as if new created in all the freshness of childhood.
~Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

http://www.quotegarden.com

Friday Funny July 14, 2017 Frightfully Busy

Happy Friday!  It is amazing how quickly another week rolls around.  It seems like each week is busier and passes quicker than the previous week.  Sometimes I feel like I am as ………

Enjoy!

I feel like I am as busy as…..

a one-armed paperhanger with a case of the hives.

a one-eyed cat watching nine rat holes.

a one-legged man on Dancing With The Stars.

a one-toothed man in a corn-on-the-cob eating contest.

a termite in a saw mill.

a one-armed trombone player.

a Kardashian with a new camera phone

a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs

a cross-eyed air traffic controller

a claustrophobic mime trapped in an imaginary box

a dentist at a candy convention

a Turkey farmer the week of Thanksgiving

a grocery store just before a snowstorm

a relief pitcher for the Cincinnati Reds

a Cleveland Browns quarterback under a full blitz

an elf on Christmas Eve

an accountant without a pencil

Thought for the Week

“I wanted to figure out why I was so busy, but I couldn’t find the time to do it.” 
― Todd Stocker

Friday Funny July 7, 2017 Pirate Jokes

Happy Friday!  I hope you had a great 4th of July.  This week it just seemed like a good time for some pirate jokes.

Enjoy!

Why did the pirate become such a good boxer?
He had a great right hook.

What do you call a pirate with two eyes, two hands and two legs?
A beginner.

How do pirates know that they are pirates?
They think so, therefore they arrr.

Why do pirates carry a bar of soap at all times?
In case of shipwreck it will wash him ashore.

How did the pirate get his Jolly Roger so cheaply?
He bought it on sail.

How much do pirates pay for piercings?
A buck-an-ear.

Why couldn’t the pirate play cards?                                                                                                  Because he was sitting on the deck.

What is a pirate’s favorite kind of cookie?
Ships Ahoy!

Where did the  one-legged pirate go for breakfast?
IHOP.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.

To err is human.   To arr is definitely pirate.

Thought for the Week

One day, someone showed me a glass of water that was half full. And he said, “Is it half full or half empty?” So I drank the water. No more problem. ~Alexander Jodorowsky

http://www.quotegarden.com