Friday Funny September 25, 2020 Fall Jokes

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Happy Friday! Happy Fall! Congratulations for surviving the summer of 2020!  Hopefully even as the days grow shorter the outlook will grow brighter.  Don’t stop be-leafing in the wonder of fall!

Enjoy!

I would tell you my autumn joke but you probably wouldn’t fall for it.

Did you hear about the scarecrow who was outstanding in his field?

Is it true that the vehicle of choice for a scarecrow is an Autumn-mobile?

Is it true that leaves fall off of trees in the Autumn because of nostalgia as they are simply trying to get back to their roots?

Would you call a pepper in late autumn a little chili?

Did the apple pie cry because its peelings were hurt?

Do the leaves turn colors at the same time each year because the process is autumnated?

If a tree deserted the forest at the end of fall would it be considered absent without leaves?

Did you know that, in addition to migratory birds, lions also move at the end of summer? It is true that the pride goeth before the fall.

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall – hope you do too!

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

And myriad leaves, on which the Summer wrote
Her blushing farewell, at my feet were strown.
~Albert Laighton (1829–1887), “In the Woods,” c.1859

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Friday Funny September 17, 2020 – Car Names

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Happy Friday!  Some folks believe that what you drive makes a statement about who you are: however, with some of these names I wonder what the marketing department was thinking.

Some of these are still being manufactured, some can still be found on the road and others are long gone, but the names live on.

Enjoy!

MR2 – The Toyota MR2 was a sporty little number whose production stopped in Japan in 2007.  I can hear the marketing genius, “MR some nice cars they’re making these days.”

Cappucino – Just swing by your favorite coffee shop and pick up a Suzuki Cappucino.

Thing – I think the entire marketing department at Volkswagen must have all been on vacation.

Nova – in Spanish – “no va” Translation: “Doesn’t go.”

Dodge Diplomat/Chevrolet – these were not driven by celebrities nor diplomats.

Eclipse – biggest problem is that you can never see it when there is another car parked between it and you.

Prism – what color is it?  Well that depends on how the sun hits it.

Aspire – what does it aspire to?  Being a better car perhaps?

Protégé – it has the potential to one day be a really good car.

Brat – a small ill-mannered and annoying vehicle, isn’t that just what everyone would want?

Yaris – might be a great car, but it sounds like it might be the little brother of Yoda.

Eldorado a car named after a mythical city in South America– did this car really exist or is it just a legend?

Fury  – the ideal car for road rage before we had a name for road rage.

Excel – the perfect car for accountants or anyone who likes spreadsheets.

Fusion –  maybe if you drive fast enough it liquefies or explodes.

Meteor – does it glow brighter the faster you drive it until it blows up into tiny pieces?

Gremlin – it did sort of look like it had been manufactured by a band of small mischievous gnomes.

Hornet – name a car after a pesky, stinging insect? 

Leaf – does it turn brown and blow away in the fall?

Monte Carlo – every time you turn the key, it’s a gamble.

Satellite – has a tendency to just circle the parking lot over and over again.

Probe – I won’t even touch this one

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers. ~Dave Barry, “Things That It Took Me 50 Years to Learn”

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Friday Funny September 11, 2020 A Full Serving of Diet Jokes

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Happy Friday!  Perhaps all of the quarantining has you dealing with a few Covid pounds that that have sneaked onto your frame.  I cannot help you jettison those pounds, but I can let you binge on a few diet jokes.

Enjoy!

If I had a dollar for every time I said that I was going to go on a diet, I would have enough money to buy that treadmill that I am never going to use.

I was going to begin a new diet tonight, but I have too much on my plate.

I started a 10-day crash diet last week.  I don’t want to brag, but I finished it in one day.

I am thinking about going on a cheese only diet – I need to cheddar a few pounds.

I was going to put my dog on a vegan diet but he doesn’t really like vegans.

Would you call a fascist vegan lactose intolerant?

I’ve heard that in an upcoming Star Wars movie Luke will be sent to a Jedi in Italy who specializes diets, his name is Only One Cannoli.

Do you know what diets and social distancing have in common – they both flatten the curve.

I asked my wife if it would be good to include hot dogs in my diet.  She said, “They’re not the wurst.”

I’ve decided to start the Cincinnati Bengal diet – not much happens through the week but I expect to lose a lot on Sundays.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends. ~Author unknown

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Friday Funny September 4, 2020 More Sleep Jokes

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Happy Friday and welcome to September!  Labor Day weekend brings with it the unofficial end of a very strange summer.  2020 has brought many concerns that might have caused you to loose some sleep.  If you cannot sleep maybe you can ponder a few sleep related jokes while you stare at the ceiling.

Enjoy!

Apparently, I snore so loudly that I can scare all the passengers in my car while I am driving.

Every morning after I wake up, the first thing I do is make my bed.  I am about ready to return it to Ikea.

I purchased an off-brand Memory foam mattress; it cannot remember who I am.

I know a couple who bought a water bed back when they were popular.  Since then they have drifted apart.

I read that almost one-third of people let their pet sleep on the bed with them.  I thought I would give it a try, my goldfish died.

They say that everyone dreams in black and white.  I am pretty sure that my dreams are in color.  Could it just be a pigment of my imagination?

I was going to tell you about my dream involving a Lion, a Witch and a Wardrobe, but I decided that it is Narnia business.

Once I had a disturbing dream where I was trapped in Panama during a snowstorm. It turns out I was just dreaming of a white isthmus

The other night I had a dream that I was swimming in an entire ocean of  orange soda, it turns out it was just a Fanta sea.

I had a recurring dream once.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

Sleep: a poor substitute for caffeine. ~Author Unknown

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Friday Funny August 28,2020 College Essentials

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As we come to the end of August, it is usually time for college campuses to begin to buzz anew with activity. Like everything else in 2020, the return to campus is not “business as usual.” For those that are packing up and heading to a college campus, there are a number of lists out there of the “essential” things one needs to take along with them.

Looking at these lists, like many things these days, makes me feel old.  Ages ago when I headed off to college what I could take along was limited to what I could fit in a footlocker and a suitcase.

Some of these items, while perhaps essential today would not have done me much good way back when.

Enjoy!

A wallet that sticks to the back of your phone.  – Not sure why I would have wanted to have my wallet stuck to the one phone that was on the wall down the hall.

An iPod, headphones and a blue tooth speaker.  – Back in my day, I had a quadraphonic system with four wired speakers and a selection of vinyl albums.

A microwave that will make your favorite dishes – While one can run out today and buy a microwave for under $50, they were a lot more when I was younger.  I was out of college and married for a couple of years before I could afford a microwave.

Laptop computer and printer. – As a high school graduation present, I received a great item that could do the tasks of both word processing and printing, it was called a typewriter.

32-Inch 1080p Smart LED TV – Survived my freshman year with no TV, sophomore year my roommate brought a 12-inch black & white TV. 

A tablet/kindle for reading in your free time. – If, and that is a big if, I had free time and felt like reading, I could go to a place on campus that was called a library and read an item called a book, no batteries or charging were required.

A moleskin journal that you can use for handy notes, the article recommends one that can be purchased for $25.99.  I guess I was not cool or fashionable with my $0.79 college ruled spiral notebooks.

 Hydro-Flask Water Bottle for carrying water around.  Back in my day, somehow, we could manage to make it through an hour without a glass of water.  Then between classes one could stop by something called a water-fountain.

Small iron & ironing pad.  I am pretty sure I survived my college years without ironing a single item

Cleaning supplies: Surface spray or wipes, laundry detergent, dish soap, aromatic room spray, stain remover, etc. – Because every college student is fastidiously clean, right?

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

No man should escape our universities without knowing how little he knows.  ~J. Robert Oppenheimer

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Friday Funny August 21, 2020 Double the Laughs – Twin Humor

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Happy Friday!  In the midst of what has indeed been a crazy year, I have had two very good weeks.  Two weeks ago my oldest son married a wonderful young lady and last Friday my middle son and his lovely wife had twin boys.  This week I just had to share some snappy answers to few silly twin questions.

Enjoy!

Are they twins? – No, we found an extra baby in the parking lot and decided to keep it.

Are they twins? – No, the hospital was having a Buy One Get One Free special and we could not resist.

Are they twins? No, we liked our baby so much we had it cloned.

Are they twins? No, but it is amazing how life-like holograms are these days.

Are they twins? No, they are triplets. But we leave the ugly one at home.

Are they twins? Twins? Where did this second baby come from??

Are they twins? No, we always carry a stunt double.

Are they twins? We don’t know for sure. We haven’t had them tested.

Are they twins? – No, they were triplets. But the dog ate one.

 How do you manage keeping up with twins? I didn’t know there was an option.

Do twins run in your family? Let’s give them time to learn to crawl first.

Are they natural? Actually, they are supernatural. One can has super strength and the other has super vision.

Are they natural?  Actually, they are robots that suck the life out of me.

Are they natural? Actually, they are aliens from another planet light years away.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“There are two things in life for which we are never truly prepared: twins. “~Josh Billings

Getting My Hair Cut

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The difficulty of getting a haircut is one of the multitude of inconveniences that many have had to face during this pandemic.  Fortunately for me, I have had no issues getting in to see the person who usually cuts my hair.  This is because, for the past thirty-seven years, my wife has been cutting my hair.  I am an accountant and while I do like to save money that is not the primary reason that she is the one that I go to for a haircut. 

In 1983 we were living in Ft. Worth, Texas.  I needed a haircut, so I went to a barber shop.  I came home, my wife took one look at my haircut and stated, “I could do better than that.”  So, she started cutting my hair and I thought she did a pretty good job while we lived in Texas.

Two years later we moved to Warrior, Alabama.  We were kind of in the boonies, Warrior was the closest town and it was our address but it was actually in a different county from where we lived.  I think there was only one barber in Warrior and everyone called him “Booger”.  I decided that I would rather have my wife continue to cut my hair than let someone named “Booger” touch my scalp.

So, after a few years, the pattern had pretty much been established of where I was going to get my haircut.  Then along came three boys who would also need haircuts and, of course, she cut their hair as well.  Through the years, we have gone through a few sets of clippers as well as a Flowbee period.  We really had one and it worked pretty well (if you have no clue – check out http://www.flowbee.com).  The boys are gone, but I still need haircuts and I still have my wife cut it and I do not complain, especially when she has the clippers close to my ear.

It is funny how one bad haircut in 1983 solved the problem of where to get a haircut in 2020.  It also saved a few dollars along the way.

Friday Funny August 14, 2020 Don’t Fail to Chuckle

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Happy Friday!  Here is hoping this finds you well and Corona free.  Hopefully this week’s blog will make you chuckle, if I have failed at that, I will be back again next week.  We all experience failures and failure is not the end.

Enjoy!

I tried to develop a professional Hide and Seek League; however, it was a total failure.  It turned out that good players were hard to find.

I attended a board game night recently that was a complete failure.  When I showed up, it turned out that our host had absolutely no Clue.

By now it should be obvious to all that communism is a failure.  I mean just look at all those red flags.

If I had fifty cents for every time I failed a math test, I would have $7.37 now.  I once failed a calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins and I couldn’t differentiate between them.

I once failed an English exam on Shakespeare because I used the wrong pencil.  I couldn’t tell whether it was 2B or not 2B.

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One day a moth goes into a dentist’s office.  The Dentist asks the moth, “what seems to be the problem?”

The moth responds, “You see my whole life is a mess. My career never got off the ground, my mortgage is underwater, I have no friends, my kids hate me, I could go on listing one failure after another.”

The dentist is very confused and asks “that does sound awful, but I’m a dentist, what is it that brings you to “my” office?”

The moth replies, “oh, the light was on.”

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

The men who try to do something and fail are infinitely better than those who try to do nothing and succeed. ~Lloyd Jones

Friday Funny August 7, 2020 A Little Wedding Humor

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Happy Friday!  This is a big week for my family.  Tomorrow, my oldest son is getting married.  So why not kick off the weekend with a little wedding-themed humor?

Enjoy!

I recently heard about two spiders who were married – they met on the web.

I recently heard about a bald man who married his comb.  Seems he had promised to never part with it.

I recently heard about two cell phones who were married – they say the reception was terrific.

I recently heard about two florists who were married – it was an arranged marriage.

I recently heard about two nuclear technicians who were married – they say the bride was radiant and the groom was glowing.

I recently heard about a notebook who married a pencil – seems she found Mr. Write.

I recently heard about that the King of Hearts married the Queen of Hearts – seems they were perfectly suited to each other.

I recently heard that it has been a decade since the Invisible Man married the Invisible Woman – I hear their kids are nothing to look at either.

I recently heard that Times New Roman broke off his engagement with Arial – seems she just was not hit type.

I recently heard that the jumper cables called off their wedding – seems they had lost their spark.

I recently heard that hydrogen and helium had called off their wedding but will still see each other periodically.

Wedding days are always very emotional, even the cake is in tiers.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

A great marriage is not when the ‘perfect couple’ comes together. It’s when an imperfect couple learns to enjoy their differences. ~ Unknown

 

 

Sunday Funny August 2, 2020 Humor Better Late Than Never

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Happy Friday! I mean Happy Sunday!  I know I am late, but better late than never, right?  I took a week of vacation last week, but am back and ready to get in the saddle again and back to work tomorrow.  So to kick off you week, a little vacation/late humor.

Enjoy!

Last week I went on a once in a lifetime vacation, never again.

Due to COVID-19, this was the first year I could not go to Switzerland for my summer vacation.  All the other years it has been due to a lack of funds.

Being punctual in my office is of no benefit.  There is never anyone around to appreciate it.

Is punctuality the art of guessing correctly now late everyone one will be?

I was late because I fell asleep beside my kitchen sink.  The plug was out and now I feel completely drained.

I was late because I did not sleep well last night.  I had a dream that I wrote The Hobbit, I might have been Tolkien in my sleep.

I was late because I fell asleep on my smartphone, it seems I accidentally downloaded a nap.

I used to be habitually late.  I went to the Doctor and she recommended sleeping in a herb garden. I know it sounds odd, but now I always wake up on Thyme.

I told my Boss that I was late because I was having computer issues.  He asked me if it was a Hard Drive.  I said, No, the commute was fine. It was my computer.”

I told my suitcases there would be no vacation this year, now I’m dealing with emotional baggage.

Is it true that basketball players cannot go on vacation because they are not allowed to travel?

Is it true that a pirate’s preferred lodging on vacation is an Arr B&B?

The other day my brother asked if i could help him come up with a way to advertise the new vacation resort he was opening up. I said “Bro-chure.”

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Its never to late to get back on your feet though we wont live forever make sure you accomplish what you were put here for .” ~ Abigail Adams