Friday Funny May 29, 2020 New Chicken Farmer

Happy Friday!  I hope this finds you safe and healthy.  These days people are trying their hand at a lot of different things, some with better success than others.

Enjoy!

The Corona-virus has impacted many different aspects of our lives.  I read an article citing data from Scotts Miracle-Gor indicating that, compared to a year ago, 36% more Americans are trying to grow their own vegetables, herbs and tomatoes this year.  I came across other stories stating that raising chicken has become a popular pandemic project.  

Then there was the story about the life-long city-slicker who decided that he was going to start raising chickens.  He figured if he was going to all the trouble of raising chickens for his family, he might as well get extra chickens so that he could raise and sell them to friends and neighbors. 

He built a few large coups on his property and searched out the nearest chick supplier.  He went and purchased 100 chicks. He was excited to get started on this new and. Hopefully, profitable hobby.

Two weeks later he was back.  His chick supplier asked him how things were going. The new chicken-farmer said, “Not too good. All 100 chickens died.”  

The man replied “Oh, I can’t believe that. I’ve never had any trouble with my chickens. Tell you what, I’ll give you 100 more.”  

Another two weeks went by, and the chick supplier stopped by to see how the new batch was progressing. The new farmer just shook his head and said, “You’re not going to believe this, but the second 100 chickens died too.”  

Astounded, the chic supplier asked, “I just don’t understand.  Any idea what went wrong?”  

Well, says the new farmer, “I’m not sure. But I think I’ve narrowed it down that I am either planting them too deep or too far apart.”

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken.” ~ Frank Perdue

 

Friday Funny May 22, 2020 More Chuck Norris Facts

Happy Friday! This Memorial Day weekend will certainly be a different kind of Memorial Day for many of us.  Be sure to take some time to reflect on the purpose and meaning of this holiday even in the midst of the current situation.  This also marks the unofficial start of summer which promises to be a unique summer by any measure.

In desperate times we often look for a hero, so seems like a good time to ponder a few “facts” about Chuck Norris.

Enjoy!

Chuck Norris got Corona-virus. Now the Corona-virus is in isolation.

The flu gets a Chuck Norris shot every year.

Freddy Krueger has nightmares about Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders

Chuck Norris can drown a fish.

Chuck Norris can kill your imaginary friends.

Chuck Norris can find the end of a circle.

Chuck Norris can make a slinky go upstairs.

Chuck Norris can sit in the corner of a round room.

Chuck Norris has a grizzly bear carpet in his room. The bear isn’t dead, it’s just afraid to move.

Chuck Norris can eat just one Lay’s potato chip.”

If at first you don’t succeed, you’re not Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris knows words that rhyme with Orange

Chuck Norris can lick his elbow.

Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water and make it drink.

Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“You are not what has happened to you. You are what you choose to become.”                    ~ Chuck Norris

Friday Funny May 15, 2020 Research to Answer Your Most Pressing Questions

Happy Friday!  Another week survived!  Perhaps you are pondering a lot of questions these days about many things like “What is the meaning of Life?” and “Do horses prefer bananas to apples?”  Well I cannot help you with the first one, but I can with the second and I have provided the links to prove it.

Enjoy!

I bet you have said “you can’t compare apples to oranges.”  Well the Connecticut Society of American Board Surgeons decided that they needed to see if these two are as different as we think.  They concluded that the only difference was in their color and type of seeds. Otherwise, they might as well be the same fruit.

https://pdfs.semanticscholar.org/e2bd/12fac1e7dc1294f4c8e8fbc8bb7a6c45ee85.pdf

Have you ever been on a treadmill, doing your workout when the thought just hits you, “I wonder how shrimp would do on a treadmill?”  and “I wonder if shrimp with bacterial infections would do worse?”Me neither but it did occur to some scientists who put shrimp on a treadmill and monitored their vital signs.  They injected some shrimp with bacterial infections and put them on a tiny underwater treadmill to see what would happen.  “Results show that infected crabs and shrimp do not perform on the treadmill as well as their uninfected counterparts.”  I imagine one would get similar results with humans.

http://cnsnews.com/news/article/us-government-has-spent-682570-study-shrimp-treadmill

Walking and chewing gum at the same time is one thing – walking and carrying a full cup of coffee at the same time is another.  I for, for one, know this is an essential life skill.  But perhaps I have been doing it wrong, there is research that has determined that people are less likely to spill coffee while walking backwards.

https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S2078152015300377

It seems everyone is concerned with social distancing these days.  Which makes research on the hazards of “double dipping” chips even more relevant.  Luckily Tulane University analyzed years of flu data and found cities that had a team in the Super Bowl saw an 18 percent increase in flu deaths. They traced the cause to Super Bowl parties and, specifically, people double dipping and infecting the guac or bean dip with their flu germs. So, keep everyone six feet away from your chip dip!

https://gizmodo.com/double-dipping-at-superbowl-parties-literally-kills-peo-1756513082

Don’t you just love to see pictures of other people’s food on social media?  Neither do I.  So why do so many people bother sharing those pictures?  Apparently sharing pictures on social media makes it taste better.  At least that is what a study out of St. Joseph’s University in Philadelphia determined.

https://www.cbc.ca/news/trending/instagram-your-food-1.3481717

Perhaps while you have been self-isolating you came across a spider in your house and perhaps you wondered if that spider just might be radio-active and perhaps you wondered if said radio-active spider bit you might you be able to turn into Spiderman?  Sorry, but you can dismiss that thought. After an extensive analysis, researchers at Cambridge University have concluded that the larger a person is, the more adhesives he would need to stick to a wall, making it virtually impossible for a normal sized human being to have the characteristics of Spiderman. No matter what your spidy-sense is telling you.

https://www.cam.ac.uk/research/news/why-spider-man-cant-exist-geckos-are-size-limit-for-sticking-to-walls

I know, we all feel more connected while social distancing by checking in on Facebook.  I hate to be the one to break this to you, but your Facebook friends are not really your friends and I tell you that as a friend.  A study done by an Oxford University professor concluded that there were only 4.1 “dependable” friends out of a typical user’s 150 Facebook friends.

https://royalsocietypublishing.org/doi/full/10.1098/rsos.150292

If you are as old as I am you might remember the Tootsie-Pop commercial where the kid goes to the wise old owl to ask, “how many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie-Pop?”  If you are like me, you have been waiting decades for an answer and now research comes to the rescue.  A study out of New York University has determined that the number of licks it takes to get to the center of an average-size lollipop is approximately 1,000.

https://www.cambridge.org/core/journals/journal-of-fluid-mechanics/article/shape-dynamics-and-scaling-laws-for-a-body-dissolving-in-fluid-flow/ECC951C579D5850095DAFF40CD2899BA

Have you ever given a horse a carrot and wondered if he would really rather have a banana?  Well wonder no more! Deborah Goodwin, BSc, PhD, research director of Applied Animal Behaviour Programmes at the University of Southampton has done the research.  Next time, give your horse a banana. 

https://www.smartpakequine.com/content/horse-flavor-preferences

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not “Eureka!” (I found it!) but “That’s funny…” ~Isaac Asimov

http://WWW.QUOTEGARDEN.COM

 

Friday Funny May 8, 2020 Thoughts to Ponder While Social-Distancing

Happy Friday!  Another week of social-distancing is in the books!  Here is hoping you and yours are well and still sane.  The slower pace of these days lends itself to some contemplation.  If you have run out of things to roll over in your mind, let me offer a few items for you to consider.

Enjoy!

Which is better the Library of Congress System or the Dewey Decimal System?

If life had a sound track, what song is currently playing?

Why didn’t the Coyote ever go back and try to improve a plan instead of just scrapping it and coming up with a new one?  Where did the Coyote get all the money that he spent buying Acme products?

Why does sour cream have an expiration date?  Isn’t it already sour?  Does it turn back into cream?  

Why are blueberries purple instead of blue?  Shouldn’t we call them purpleberries?

Why is the word for “fear of long words” one of the longest words in the dictionary? (hippotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia) Try to work this word into your next conversation!

When you say ‘Forward’ or ‘Back’, your lips move in those directions.  Say ‘Forward’ and ‘Back’ over and over again.

With all this bread baking going on did anyone ever pause to think that we are giving thousands of yeast organisms a false hope by feeding them sugar, then ruthlessly baking them to death in an oven and finishing it off by eating their corpses?

As drones get cheaper and cheaper how long until someone invents a hands-free umbrella?

If we say a “ton of people” we intend it to mean many, but it would literally be 12 to 15 people.

Why do phone plans offer “unlimited minutes” can you use more than 1,440 in a day?

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“If you cup runneth over, be sure and let it slosh on someone else” ~ unknown

A Little Internet Distraction

I am spending more time on the internet these days to try to stay connected in this time of social distancing and my guess is that you might be doing the same.  After reading the latest news you might need a quick distraction from all the doom and gloom and I am here to help.  This activity only takes a minute and can be done numerous times throughout the day.  

It appears that one of the greatest evils today is that one is offended by something.  So when you are on the Internet, go to Yahoo and scroll down.  For the first five ads that you see. click on the three dots that are on the right across from the ad headline.  Three options should appear: Why This Ad/Ad Feedback/Advertise with us.  Select the middle option – Ad Feedback.  The first option under Ad Feedback is “It is Offensive to Me.”  Click the circle next to this option, then hit the “Done” button.  Just pick the first five ads that appear each time you go on the internet.  Tonight here are the first five ads that appeared for me.

25 Stocks You Should Sell Immediately

Device Powers A Whole American City – for Free

Unclaimed Mega Millions Ticket Worth $1.5 Billion

20230 Hyundai Santa Fe – The Price May Surprise You

There Is A Secret Bunker in the Virginia Mountains

My offense has been recorded once again.  I am sure that there will be immediate actions to soothe my delicate psyche.

 

 

 

 

Friday Funny May 1, 2020 Humor on the Cutting Edge

Happy Friday and good job making it through another week of self-isolation!  Chances are that you are getting along better than your hair might be with all the barber shops and beauty parlors closed.  While you might not be able to get your hair cut, you can chuckle at a few barber jokes,

Enjoy!

Would you call a group of men waiting for a haircut a barber-cue?

Do barbers keep their money in a shavings account?

I was held hostage at a barber shop once. It was a pretty hairy situation.

The other day I told my wife that I wanted to open up a barber shop.  All she said was “Cut it out.”

I just might open a barber shop on the top floor of a fancy hotel and call it “A Cut Above the Rest.”

My barber recently started giving free eyebrow trims to anyone getting a haircut.  Everyone looked surprised.

I decided to switch to a new barber.  My old one just wasn’t cutting it.

The first new barber I tried out was a bit of a redneck.  As soon as I sat down in the chair I could tell something was wrong, I  got up quickly and walked out.  I think I may have just  dodged a mullet.

Old executives at Hair Club for Men never die, they just keep plugging away.

I have some more jokes, but I will shave them for later.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.” ~ Sam Ewing

Junk Mail Revenge

If your experience is similar to mine, there are a lot of days when the daily trip out to the mail box results in retrieving several pieces of junk mail:  offers for credit cards, mortgage insurance, vehicle warranties, lawn services, heating/cooling services, pool chemicals (even if you have never had a pool) and so on and so on. 

These are a tad irritating and usually are quickly discarded.  However, there is something else you can do with some of these little annoyances.  I usually open them up to see if they include a Postage Paid Business Return envelope.  If one is included,  I like to set it aside and take advantage of the opportunity to send it back to the business. 

I figure this does two things: 1) it will momentarily make someone else a little irritated on the receiving end when they open an envelope and find nothing inside and 2) I keep reading about how the post office needs more revenue, so now the company that send me the letter will  have to pay the return postage thus providing more revenue for the USPS.  Seems like a win-win to me.  If you are a tad more ambitious (which sounds better than vindictive) stuff the envelope with a section of newspaper or other paper material. 

These days we are all looking for a few avenues to vent our frustrations, so enjoy!