Friday Funny December 8, 2017 Holiday Eating Tips

Happy Friday!  The holiday party season is in full swing.  It is that time of year when are tempted day in and day out by an endless array of delicious goodies.  So, as your approach this holiday season, I thought I would offer you some useful holiday eating tips.

Enjoy!

1. Avoid vegetable trays. Anyone who puts a vegetable tray on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit (or just can’t cook).   A vegetable tray might be acceptable if it is accompanied with high calorie, artery-clogging dip. Otherwise save the vegetable tray for January when that New Year’s Diet begins.

2.  Remember that this is the time of year when just about anything can be covered with gravy or chocolate sauce.  However, I would avoid using both on the same food item.

3.  If something comes with gravy, especially giblet gravy, use it. That’s the whole point of gravy. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Get more mashed potatoes and create a gravy moat surrounding your island of mashed potatoes.  Go ahead and play with your food, you know you want to.  (Sit a safe distance away from anyone who makes models of the “Devil’s Tower” out of mashed potatoes.)

4. Nutritionists tell us that a healthy diet includes color on the plate, especially reds, yellows and greens.  So, just to be safe, add a handful of M&M’s to each plate of food you have.

5. Fruit and nuts are an important part of your diet.  So do not skimp on the apple pie, cherry pie and pecan pie.

6.Forget the exercise routine until January when you have nothing else to do and you have started that diet. You will get plenty of exercise doing laps around the buffet table  while carrying a 10-pound plate of food in each hand..

7.The Magic of Christmas eliminates all of the calories from homemade cookies, fudge, peanut brittle, pies, cakes , dinner rolls and cinnamon rolls.  So enjoy to your heart’s desire but only if they are homemade.

8. We know oatmeal is good for you so do not skip it this holiday season.  I prefer my oatmeal in the form of oatmeal chocolate chip cookies.

9. Remember there are limits on how much you can eat.  So do not waste any of your calorie capacity on fruitcake or mincemeat pie.  (You would be better off with a vegetable tray.)

10. One final tip: If you can comfortably get up from the table, you’re not trying hard enough.  You have trained all year for this, don’t give up now!

Thought for the Week

Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn’t before!
“Maybe Christmas,” he thought, “doesn’t come from a store.”
“Maybe Christmas…perhaps…means a little bit more!” ~ Dr. Seuss

Advertisements

Friday Funny December 1, 2017 A Christmas Joke Double Header

Happy Friday and Happy December!  With the holiday season upon us, it is only fitting to break out a couple of seasonal jokes.

Enjoy!

The Young Man and the Tree

One day, a young man came home to discover that his wife had put up the Christmas decorations.  There were bright lights around the outside of the house.  There were large, red stockings hung by the chimney and a large green wreath on the door. 

When he walked into the family room, he saw a beautiful, tall Christmas tree.  However, he noticed that, despite all the other elaborate decorations around the house, the Christmas tree appeared to be untouched.  He found this a bit puzzling, so he asked his s wife who coyly replied that she had indeed finished decorating the tree. 

He looked again at the tree and carefully walked around only to affirm that there were no ornaments or lights on the tree.  This time; however, he did notice that on just one branch there was hanging one single shotgun shell.  Well this really made him wonder.  He went back and asked his wife what the meaning of this strange tree was.  She simply smiled and said, “Isn’t it obvious dear?  Why what you are looking at is a cartridge in a bear tree!”

A Trip to the Dentist

A man goes to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth. The dentist examines him and says, “It looks like that new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is already eroding. What have you been eating?”

The man replies, “Nothing that different.  The only thing I can think of is that, about four months ago, my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious .  It was Hollandaise sauce.  It was great.  I asked her to start putting it on everything – meat, toast, fish, vegetables.  I guess now I eat it on just about everything.

“Well,” says the dentist, “there is the problem.  You see Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly acidic and corrosive. That is what has eaten away your upper plate. But, never fear, I have a solution.  I’ll make you a new plate, and this time I will use chrome.”

“Why chrome?” asks the patient.

And the dentist says, “It’s simple.  Everyone knows that there’s no plates like chrome for the Hollandaise!”

Thought for the Week

Christmas is a season not only of rejoicing but of reflection. ~ Winston Churchill

Friday Funny November 24, 2017 Less Filling Jomes

Happy Friday!  I hope you had a good Thanksgiving.  If you are like me you are still full from all of the goodies.  The holiday season is upon us and it hard to turn away from the great food that seems to show up everyday from now through the end of the year.  So, while this a bad time to go on a diet, at least it is time for me to THINK about going on a diet.

Enjoy!

My idea of a balanced diet is a Big Mac in each hand. 

I’ve been on the rotation diet. Every time I turn around I eat.

I’m thinking about trying the Dr. Doolittle Diet – talking to my food instead of eating it. 

I think it is time to try the cheese diet, I need to cheddar a few pounds. 

I tried the garlic diet, I did not lose much weight, but from a distance my friends thought I looked thinner. 

In my dieting effort, I went to the paint store, I heard you can get thinner there.

You think dieting is easy, let me tell you it is definitely not a piece of cake. 

Diets are for people who are thick and tired of it. 

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter. 

What do you call a fascist vegan? Lactose intolerant. 

Thought for the Week

As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them. ~John Fitzgerald Kennedy

http://www.quotegarden.com

Friday Funny November 17, 2017 Calling on the Hotline, the Butterball Hotline

Happy Friday!  It is now less than a week to Thanksgiving and I imagine your Thanksgiving plans are well underway.  The anticipation of sharing a great meal with family is often mixed with anxiety about preparing the “perfect meal” for everyone.  One of the biggest culinary concerns is often the turkey.  Well, fear not, Butterball operates a Turkey Hotline every year during the holiday season to help you cook that perfect Thanksgiving bird.  Of course they do receive some rather interesting questions from time to time. Here are some of my favorites.

Enjoy!

Calls from harried hosts that cleaned their birds with metal scouring pads, and
need advice on how to get the metal bits out of the turkey.

“I don’t want to cook the whole turkey, so I cut it in half with a chainsaw. How do I get the chainsaw oil out of the turkey?”

“Can I cook the turkey on the engine block of my semi while I’m driving? If I drive faster, will it cook faster?”

The turkey in my freezer is 23 years old. Is it safe to eat?

Asked what state her turkey was in, the caller told the Talk-Line operator: “Florida.”

“Your directions say to roast the turkey, but my oven says only bake or broil;
how do I set it?”

Does the turkey go in the oven feet first or head first?

“Are one of the turkey’s legs dark meat and the other white?”

How long does it take to thaw a fresh turkey? 

How do I prepare a turkey for vegetarians?

Can I thaw a frozen turkey in the aquarium with my tropical fish?

How do I roast my turkey so it gets golden brown tan lines  in the shape of a turkey bikini?

As you might guess, most turkey traumas occur on Thanksgiving Day. Never
fear, Butterball has their entire staff of home economists is on duty that day to
handle the 7,000 to 8,000 calls the talk line will receive that day.

Just in case, the number is 1- 800-Butterball (1-800-288-8372).

Thought for the Week

“Things turn out best for people who make the best of the way things turn out.”~ John Wooden

Friday Funny November 10, 2017 Quick One Liners

Happy Friday!  Here is hoping that your sugar levels are returning to their pre=Halloween levels.  Here are some quick jokes to get you ready for the weekend.

Enjoy!

Do lions move at the end of summer because the pride goeth before the fall?

Just found out that my email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the dog.

A dad is washing the car with his son. After a few moments, the son asks his father, “Do you think we could use a sponge instead?”

Let me tell you, the day that I found out that my toaster wasn’t waterproof, I was shocked.

Every time I have a headache, I take two aspirin and keep away the children, just like the bottle says.

I used to be in a band, we were called ‘lost dog’. Perhaps you have seen our posters.

Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.

My wife was complaining last night that I never listen to her. Or something like that…

The question isn’t at what age I want to retire, it’s at what income.

I grew a beard thinking it would say “Distinguished Gentleman.” Instead, turns out it says, “Senior Discount, Please!”

I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time.

The future, the present and the past walked into a restaurant. Things got a little tense.

Thought for the Week

“Fall is that time of year when the leaves crinkle under your feet and the air crinkles in your nose.”

 

Friday Funny November 3, 2017 Workplace Humor

Happy Friday and Happy November!  Here is little employment humor to help you work your way through Friday.

Enjoy!

A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.

My boss says I intimidate my co-workers; I just stared at him until he apologized.

I don’t work well under pressure… or any other circumstance.

I just hired a private investigator to find out what I do all day.

I have learned that a man can do more than he thinks he can, but he usually does less than he thinks he does.

I asked the corporate wellness officer, “Can you teach me yoga?” He said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can make it Tuesday or Thursday.”

I will go to work in the morning with an innocent, child-like belief today is the day people will think twice before hitting “Reply All.”

Team work is important; it helps to put the blame on someone else.

I updated my resume and realized it is not much more than a list of things I hope I am never asked to do again.

I filled out a job application today, it asked for three references.   I wrote, “an encyclopedia, a dictionary, and a thesaurus.”

Are claustrophobic people more productive when they are thinking outside of the box?

I used to work at a fire hydrant factory, they did let you park anywhere near the place.

I had a friend who got fired from his job as a chef for stealing kitchen equipment.  Apparently it was a whisk he was willing to take.

Keep the dream alive: hit the snooze button.

Thought for the Week

“The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form.” ~Stanley J. Randall

http://www.quotegarden.com

Friday Funny October 27, 2017 Jokes Only a Mummy Could Love

Happy Friday!  Halloween is almost upon us, so this week I thought I would unwrap some mummy jokes just for you.

Enjoy!

A mummy phones a nice restaurant to make a reservation. He tells the maître d’ he wants to reserve a table for two for the Pharaoh Amenhotep III.  The maître d’ replies, “Could you please spell that  out?”  The mommy responds, “Certainly, it is bird, triangle, wavy line, bird again, jackal’s head, wavy line, another triangle and a scarab.”

Is it true that mummies are considered conceited because they are so wrapped up in themselves?

Is it true that the most popular music among mummies is wrap?

Is it true that mummies prefer their coffee de-coffin-ated?

Is it true that Egyptian bandages are sold “Satisfaction guaranteed or double your mummy back”?

Is it true that mummies like Halloween because they get to keep all the candy wrappers?

Is it true that mummies avoid holidays because the last thing they want to do is relax and unwind?

Is it true that mummies often stay late at work because they like to wrap things up at the end of the day?

Is it true that when mummies are trying to disguise themselves they use masking tape?

Is it true that archeologists found a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts and believe that it may be the long-lost Pharaoh Roche?

Thought for the Week

“When I was a kid, I could never talk my parents into carving a jack-o-lantern.  Instead, they just make me stand in the window which really was not that bad except after a while the candle started to burn the roof of my mouth.”