Happy Friday! Sometimes my mind wanders and when it wonders it can end up in some strange places. As Brain would ask Pinky in the cartoon, “Are you pondering what I am pondering?”

Enjoy!

Have you ever pondered why feet smell and noses run?

IF “Con” is the Opposite of “Pro”, then what is the opposite of PROGRESS?

Does it make sense that we put suits in a Garment Bag while we put Garments in a Suitcase?

If a mime is arrested by police do they need to tell him that he has the right to remain silent?

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

If you drove your car at the speed of light, and you turned your headlights on, would they work?

Have you ever pondered the difference between normal tomato ketchup  and fancy tomato ketchup?

Have you ever pondered whether or not crop circles could be square?

Have you ever pondered that when we “skate on thin ice”, we can “get in hot water”?

Have you ever pondered exactly how fast do hotcakes sell?

Does it make sense that we sing “Rock a bye baby” to lull a baby to sleep when the song is about putting a baby in a tree and letting the wind crash the cradle to the ground?

If the lights go out – where do they go?

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“The more chance there is of stubbing your toe, the more chance you have of stepping into success.” ~Author unknown

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Happy Friday! There is just a touch of fall in the air and another NFL season kicks off this weekend. While many are excited for a new season, I am starting my second decade of not caring about the NFL. Mike Brown cured me during the 2010 season and I have discovered there are many other ways to spend Sunday afternoons. Allow me to kick the weekend off with a few football jokes.

Enjoy!

I understand that Tom Brady can be very polarizing sports figure. On one hand, he has five super bowl rings; butt on the other hand, he only has two.

If you crossed a football player and the Invisible Man would you get football like no one has ever seen?

I heard that Scrooge ended up with the football after the ghost of Christmas passed.

What did the football player say to the flight attendant?  “Put me in coach!”

Scrambled eggs are a lot like the Cincinnati Bengals, they’ve both been beaten.

Would you call 20 Bengals fans in the basement a whine cellar?

Is it true that the Bengals had to shut down their team website because they could not string three “W’s” together.

The Bengals have something in common with a Chick-Fil-A, neither one shows up for work on Sunday.

The Bengals have something in common with my mailman, neither deliver on Sundays.

I wanted to teach my dog to roll over and play dead so I had him watch a couple of Bengals games.

I saw there is a recall on all infant clothing with a Bengals logo on it, seems it is a a choking hazard.

Is it true the Bengals count to ten this way? 0-1, 0-2, 0-3, 0-4, 0-5, 0-6, 0-7, 0-8, 0-9, 0-10.

This week I really wanted to make some edgy football jokes on my blog – it was my goal post.

THOUGHT THE THE WEEK

“When you win, say nothing. When you lose, say less.” ~ Paul Brown

Happy Friday! We have come to the unofficial end of summer with the arrival of Labor Day Weekend. Let’s celebrate with some hard-working jokes.

Enjoy!

I wanted to be a Gregorian monk, but somehow, I never got the chants.

I wanted to be a competitive eater; unfortunately, I just never had the stomach for it.

I wanted to be a computer programmer, but I just couldn’t hack it.

I wanted be an engineer, but I burned too many bridges.

I wanted to be a telemarketer, but it just wasn’t my calling.

For a while I had a job as a waiter. I did not really like it but at least I was putting food on the table.

For a while I had a job as a door-to-door bicycle salesman, I was a peddler.

For a while I had a job as a hot dog vendor, I didn’t relish it. 

I once had a jab as an upholsterer, I never recovered.

I once had a job as a masseur, but I rubbed people the wrong way.

I once had a job as a Velcro salesman, but I just couldn’t stick with it.

I wanted to be a stand-up comedian, but I was worried that people would laugh at me.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream.” ~ C.S. Lewis

Happy Friday! Although the calendar says that the end of summer is approaching, it appears that summer does not want to go anywhere, in fact it has been downright hot lately! How hot has has it been? Glad you asked!

Enjoy!

It is so hot that I saw Bengals fans taking the bags off their heads.

It is so hot that my firecrackers are lighting themselves.

It is so hot that Skyline cannot make chili dogs.

It is so hot that my shirts iron themselves.

It is so hot that I saw a chicken lay an omelet.

It is so hot that my delivery pizza was still warm when it arrived at my door.

It is so hot that my dream house is an igloo.

It is so hot they are going to install a fan in the debt ceiling.

It is so hot that Alexa asked to be dipped in a glass of ice water.

It is so hot that all the water buffalo at the zoo evaporated.

It is so hot that I Tabasco sauce tastes mild.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Considering the way the world is, one happy day is almost a miracle.” ~Paulo Coelho

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Happy Friday! We come to the end of July and there is still a lot of uncertainly as to where things are headed in 2021. Sometimes one might think it would be useful to see into the future. I am not so sure that would be helpful, but I do see some jokes about fortune telling in your future.

Enjoy!

I friend told me that he had call a psychic due to strange sightings of a chicken’s spirit haunting his home.  It turned out it was a  poultrygeist.

A psychic walks into a bar, but he should have seen it coming, right?

Would you call a psychic who is bad at predicting the future a non-prophet?

Did the psychic chicken cross the road to get in touch with the other side?

Would you call a psychic kitchen remodeler Counter Intuitive?

I had a psychic claim that she could tell what’s inside a wrapped birthday present. – She said it was a gift.

I heard about a psychic hermit crab, he makes shell-fulfilling prophecies.

Would you call an albino clairvoyant master hypnotist from Las Angeles a Super Pallid Cali Mystic Expert At Hypnosis?

I knew someone who started her career as a psychic but gave it up because she did not see any future in it.

Would you call an obese psychic a four chin teller?

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“I’m a psychic amnesiac, I know in advance what I’ll forget.” ~ Steven Wright