Friday Funny February 23, 2018 The Return of the Joke Master

Happy Friday!  I hope you have had a good week.  Mine has been pretty hectic.  Being a bit pressed for time I pulled out the handy, dandy Joke Master to quickly find a dozen jokes chosen especially for you.

Enjoy!

A vulture board an airplane carrying two dead raccoons.  The stewardess looks at him and says, “I’m sorry sir, but only one carrion per passenger is allowed.

How did the butcher introduce his wife?  Meet Patti!

I married my wife for her looks, but not the ones she’s been giving me lately.

If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t more people happy?

I finally got my head together and my body fell apart.

Entropy isn’t what it used to be.

Did you hear about the man who fell into an upholstery machine?  I hear he is fully recovered now.

A truck carry copies of Roger’s Thesaurus overturned on the interstate this week.  The newspaper reported witnesses as “stunned, overwhelmed, astonished, bewildered and dumbfounded.” 

Would you call a Viking with a pocket protector a Nerdic?

The other day I put my wrists in front of my eyes. I now have carpal tunnel vision syndrome.

There is an old proverb that says basically anything you want it to.

Deja Fu – that strange feeling that somehow, somewhere, you have been kicked in the head like this before.

Thought for the Week

Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not; a sense of humor to console him for what he is.  ~Francis Bacon

http://www.quotegarden.com

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Friday Funny February 16, 2017 Valentine Dream

Happy Friday!  You have survived another Valentines Day!  I know I am a couple of days late with Valentine Jokes, but they were 50% off.

Enjoy!

After she woke up, a woman told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond necklace for Valentine’s day. What do you think it means?”

“You’ll know tonight.” he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.
Delighted, she opened it – to find a book entitled “The Meaning of Dreams.”

————————————————————————————————————————————

I asked my friend if he’d bought his wife a gift for Valentine’s Day. 

He’s a bit of a chauvinist pig so he surprised me when he replied, “Yeah, I’ve got her a belt and a bag.”

I said, “That’s very thoughtful of you. I hope she appreciates it.”

He said, “So do I. And hopefully the vacuum cleaner will work much better now.”    

————————————————————————————————————————————

My wife just sent me a text saying, “I’ve just got you the best Valentine’s Day present ever! xox”

I really hope she misspelled “Xbox”.


Thought for the Week

“The heart has its reasons that reason does not know. “~ Pascal


Friday Funny February 9, 2018 More One-Liners

Happy Friday!  Here are some quick one-liners chosen especially for you.

Enjoy!

My IQ came back negative.

Never trust a dog to watch your food.

Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I know I do.

You take away the looks, money, intelligence, charm and success and, really, there’s no real difference between me and George Clooney.

I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.

I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.

My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline; boy did she hit the roof.

I just burned 2,000 calories. Guess that is what I get for leaving brownies in the oven while I nap.

eBay is so useless. I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 13,749 matches.

My friend asked me to describe myself in 3 words… “Lazy.”

What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle? A tire.

A cop just knocked on my door and told me that my dogs were chasing people on bikes. I just laughed, my dogs don’t even own bikes.

My wife asked me to pass her the Chapstick and I accidentally passed her the Glue Stick. She still hasn’t talked to me.

Thought for the Week

Laughter is the sun that drives winter from the human face. ~Victor Hugo

http://www.quotegarden.com

Friday Funny February 2, 2018 If Life Gives You Lemons

Happy Friday! We have made it through the dark and cold days of January.  There is hope there is optimism still!  It is one of those “if life gives you lemons” moments when we look beyond the current circumstances to the possibilities that may be around the comer.  So, let’s figure out what we can do with those lemons.

Enjoy!

If life gives you lemons, make tasty lemon squares

If life gives you lemons, sell them on ebay

If life gives you lemons, learn to love lemons

If life gives you lemons, make homemade dish detergent

If life gives you lemons, ask for more, plant trees become a lemon farmer, corner the lemon market, become a lemon mogul!

If life gives you lemons, go for the zest

If life gives you lemons make grape juice and leave everyone wondering how you did it

If life gives you lemons, construct a crude electrochemical battery

If life gives you lemons, freeze them and throw them at people

If life gives you lemons, squirt them in people’s eyes

If life gives you lemons, wait, life doesn’t just “give” you anything, you have to earn your lemons just like I did when I was your age

If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic

If life gives you lemonade, don’t try to make lemons.

If life gives you scurvy, make lemonade

It can be said of optimism that while sometimes mistaken, it is never sadly mistaken. ~Robert Brault, rbrault.blogspot.com

Friday January 25, 2018 Your Weekly Dose of Humor

Happy Friday! There is a lot of “junk” going around these days.  I hope this find you well and surviving cold and flu season.  And if you are under the weather, maybe a little humor will do you some good.

Enjoy!

Seem like the flu is everywhere this year, it is really going viral.

I went to the doctor because I thought I had the Swine Flu,.  He gave me some Oinkment.

Another time I went to the doctor because I thought I had the bird flew.  He told me not to worry about it because it is tweetable.

A friend of mine found out he has the bird flu. He thinks he was a victim of fowl plague.

I think perhaps I have the chalkboard flu because today I feel remarkable.

My doctor told me that I have the body of a twenty-year-old.  He also said that I should return it because I am stretching it completely out of shape.

My doctor told me to stop using Q-tips, but it just went in one ear and out the other.

My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. He was right—I feel ten years older already.

I mixed up the cardiac resuscitation equipment with the lie detector, I will de-fib you later.

My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them. I did that and I feel much better but I’m wondering… do I keep the letters?

Thought for the Week

I’ve got a theory that if you give 100 percent all of the time, somehow things will work out in the end. ~Larry Bird

http://www.quotegarden.com

Friday Funny January 19, 2018 Jokes to Perk Up Your Weekend

Happy Friday!  It seems like Old Man Winter has a pretty tight grip on many of us this week.  So, to warm yourself up for the weekend, grab a nice, hot cup of coffee and a little coffee related humor.

Enjoy!

I admit that I drink a lot of coffee while I work, I guess it just part of my daily grind.

For some reason, I have trouble throwing out used coffee grounds, guess I am just a sediment-al guy.

The coffee is free where I work, it is just one of the perks.

I drink coffee at night while I work, seems like I have a latte on my mind these days.

Isn’t a pot of coffee basically brake fluid?

The other day a lady sitting next to me on the train spilled her coffee all over my shirt. I responded by showing dis-stain.

Is it true that drinking too much coffee can cause a latte problems?

There are two kinds of people, there are coffee people and sad people.

Would you call sad coffee despresso?

Was the brand of coffee served on the Titanic Sanka?.

Would you call a cow that has just given birth de-calf-enated?

What’s Fat, Slimy, and Drinks a lot of Coffee?  – Java the Hut.

How does Moses make coffee? He brews it!

Thought for the Week

“When life gives you lemons, trade them for coffee.” ~ anonymous

 

Friday Funny January 12, 2018 How Many Does It Take?

Happy Friday!  I hope 2018 is off to a good start for you.  This week I wanted to shed a little light on an age-old question.

Enjoy!

How many optometrists does it take to change a light bulb? Is it one or two?  Two or one?

How many chiropractors does it take to change a light bulb?  One, but it takes them three visits. 

How many Baptists does it take to change a light bulb? Four – one to change the bulb and three to stand around and talk about how much better the old bulb was.

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but the bulb has to really want to change.

How many NFL players does it take to change a light bulb? Three. One to change it and two to dump the cooler of Gatorade over the coach to congratulate him on a successful change.

How many fishermen does it take to change a light bulb? Five, and you should’ve seen the light bulb! It must have been *this* big! Five of us were barely enough!

How many certified public accountants does it take to change a light bulb? Three.  One to change the bulb, one to review the work and one to write the report.

How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the   bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.

How many graduate students does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but it takes nine years.

How many computer programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb? None.  That’s a hardware problem.

How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. They’re efficient and not very funny.

How many hipsters does it take to change a light bulb.? Only one but he has to wait until it is cool.

How many murder mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to put it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.

How many Cleveland Browns fans does it take to change a light bulb? None they just talk about doing it next year with a different quarterback.

How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.

How many magicians does it take to change a light bulb? Depends on what you want to change it into. 

How many fatalists does it take to change a light bulb? What does it matter? It’ll just burn out again. 

How many social scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, they do not change light bulbs; they search for the root cause as to why the last one went out. 

Thought for the Week

“A smile is the light in the window of your face that tells people you’re at home.”  ~Author Unknown

http://www.quotegarden.com