Friday Funny August 14, 2020 Don’t Fail to Chuckle

Happy Friday!  Here is hoping this finds you well and Corona free.  Hopefully this week’s blog will make you chuckle, if I have failed at that, I will be back again next week.  We all experience failures and failure is not the end.

Enjoy!

I tried to develop a professional Hide and Seek League; however, it was a total failure.  It turned out that good players were hard to find.

I attended a board game night recently that was a complete failure.  When I showed up, it turned out that our host had absolutely no Clue.

By now it should be obvious to all that communism is a failure.  I mean just look at all those red flags.

If I had fifty cents for every time I failed a math test, I would have $7.37 now.  I once failed a calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins and I couldn’t differentiate between them.

I once failed an English exam on Shakespeare because I used the wrong pencil.  I couldn’t tell whether it was 2B or not 2B.

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One day a moth goes into a dentist’s office.  The Dentist asks the moth, “what seems to be the problem?”

The moth responds, “You see my whole life is a mess. My career never got off the ground, my mortgage is underwater, I have no friends, my kids hate me, I could go on listing one failure after another.”

The dentist is very confused and asks “that does sound awful, but I’m a dentist, what is it that brings you to “my” office?”

The moth replies, “oh, the light was on.”

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

The men who try to do something and fail are infinitely better than those who try to do nothing and succeed. ~Lloyd Jones

Friday Funny August 7, 2020 A Little Wedding Humor

Happy Friday!  This is a big week for my family.  Tomorrow, my oldest son is getting married.  So why not kick off the weekend with a little wedding-themed humor?

Enjoy!

I recently heard about two spiders who were married – they met on the web.

I recently heard about a bald man who married his comb.  Seems he had promised to never part with it.

I recently heard about two cell phones who were married – they say the reception was terrific.

I recently heard about two florists who were married – it was an arranged marriage.

I recently heard about two nuclear technicians who were married – they say the bride was radiant and the groom was glowing.

I recently heard about a notebook who married a pencil – seems she found Mr. Write.

I recently heard about that the King of Hearts married the Queen of Hearts – seems they were perfectly suited to each other.

I recently heard that it has been a decade since the Invisible Man married the Invisible Woman – I hear their kids are nothing to look at either.

I recently heard that Times New Roman broke off his engagement with Arial – seems she just was not hit type.

I recently heard that the jumper cables called off their wedding – seems they had lost their spark.

I recently heard that hydrogen and helium had called off their wedding but will still see each other periodically.

Wedding days are always very emotional, even the cake is in tiers.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

A great marriage is not when the ‘perfect couple’ comes together. It’s when an imperfect couple learns to enjoy their differences. ~ Unknown

 

 

Sunday Funny August 2, 2020 Humor Better Late Than Never

Happy Friday! I mean Happy Sunday!  I know I am late, but better late than never, right?  I took a week of vacation last week, but am back and ready to get in the saddle again and back to work tomorrow.  So to kick off you week, a little vacation/late humor.

Enjoy!

Last week I went on a once in a lifetime vacation, never again.

Due to COVID-19, this was the first year I could not go to Switzerland for my summer vacation.  All the other years it has been due to a lack of funds.

Being punctual in my office is of no benefit.  There is never anyone around to appreciate it.

Is punctuality the art of guessing correctly now late everyone one will be?

I was late because I fell asleep beside my kitchen sink.  The plug was out and now I feel completely drained.

I was late because I did not sleep well last night.  I had a dream that I wrote The Hobbit, I might have been Tolkien in my sleep.

I was late because I fell asleep on my smartphone, it seems I accidentally downloaded a nap.

I used to be habitually late.  I went to the Doctor and she recommended sleeping in a herb garden. I know it sounds odd, but now I always wake up on Thyme.

I told my Boss that I was late because I was having computer issues.  He asked me if it was a Hard Drive.  I said, No, the commute was fine. It was my computer.”

I told my suitcases there would be no vacation this year, now I’m dealing with emotional baggage.

Is it true that basketball players cannot go on vacation because they are not allowed to travel?

Is it true that a pirate’s preferred lodging on vacation is an Arr B&B?

The other day my brother asked if i could help him come up with a way to advertise the new vacation resort he was opening up. I said “Bro-chure.”

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Its never to late to get back on your feet though we wont live forever make sure you accomplish what you were put here for .” ~ Abigail Adams

 

Friday Funny July 24, 2020 Snappy Job Interview Responses

Happy Friday!  After a little break, the Friday Funny has returned.  Let’s wrap up a work week with some snappy answers to interview questions.

Enjoy!

I was once asked in job interview if I could perform under pressure. 

I said no, but I can do a pretty good Stairway to Heaven.

I was once asked in job interview, “where do you see yourself in 5 years?”   I said, “in a mirror”

I was once asked in job interview about punctuality.  I said I thought it was important to speak clearly and politely and it how vital it was to use proper grammar in speech and writing.

I was once asked in job interview, “What would you say is your greatest weakness?”  I said, “Interpreting semantics of a question but ignoring the pragmatics.” The interviewer asked, “Could you give an example?”  I said, “Yes, I could.”

I was once asked in job interview what my previous job was.  I said that I had been an Alien Hunter.  The interviewer replied, “But Aliens don’t exist!”  I said, “You’re welcome.”

I was once asked in job interview to describe myself in three words.  I said, “efficient.”

I was once asked in job interview what my greatest weakness was.  I said, I have been told that I can be condescending, that means I talk down to people.”

I was once asked in job interview about my background. I showed him my phone, with a photo Mt. McKinley.

My recruiter told me a joke about work. I laughed, but in fact I didn’t get it.

I once had an interview for a job as a farrier once. I was asked if I had ever shoed a horse. I said, “No, but once I had to tell a donkey to go away”.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

Without labor nothing prospers.  ~Sophocles

http://WWW.QUOTEGARDEN.COM

Friday Funny June 12, 2020 Jokes At A Distance

Happy Friday!  Hoping this finds you well.  If you are getting a little tired of social distancing, I cannot change your circumstances but perhaps I can help you laugh at them for a moment.

Enjoy!

I’ve been practicing social distancing for so long that Sasquatch has a blurry picture of me hanging on his wall.

During this time of social distancing, I decided to become an entrepreneur in the coal industry.  Yep, I am mining my own business.

To fill the time while social distancing, I started a band called The Introverted Pessimists.  You’ve probably never heard of us, but that’s fine with me.

I heard schools are developing a new course on this whole distancing thing.  They will call it “anti-social studies.”

Is it true that pirates agree with each other over long distances by using their aye-phones?

Is it true that elephants communicate over long distances by elephone?

I heard that Flat Earthers are not very fond of all this social distancing.  They think it might push some over the edge.

Speaking of distancing, if Elon Musk’s space company establishes a Mars colony, and you had a girlfriend on mars, but later break up because of long distance, would she be called your Space X?

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Love is essential, gregariousness is optional.” ~ Susan Cain, Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking

Friday Funny June 5, 2020 A Few Staycation Tips

Happy Friday!  I hope this finds you well.  While the world begins to come out of self-isolation there continues to be a lot of questions about summer travel.  Perhaps yo have already decided to hunker down for your summer vacation.  Let me offer a few tips on how you can help that staycation have a real vacation feel.

Enjoy!

Live Out of Your Suitcase – have everyone pack a suitcase for the week of staycation.  Everyone much wear only what is in the suitcase.  This will help you remember that you ALWAYS forget at least one essential item.

Create Your Own Jetlag – while everyone is asleep set all the clocks up or back three hours depending on which coast is closer.  Live on the clock schedule until the last night and then change the clocks back.

Simulated Road Trip-load your luggage, snacks and kids in the car while it is in the garage.  Sit in the car and listen to the radio for 8 hours.  Only allow bathroom breaks in the same frequency that you would if you were driving somewhere.  Kids can play games, watch videos, snack and whine just like on real trip.

TSA Check & Flight Delays – if flying is your preference to driving, set up you own TSA check point in the house.  Pretend that the family is flying on a trip.  Give everyone tickets with a time printed on them, preferably an early morning time.  Make everyone show up at your TSA checkpoint two hours before the “ticket time.”  After making everyone empty their pockets and take off their belts and shoes, tell them that the flight has been delayed three hours.  For that added airport feel, put the TV on CNN and charge them $5 for a bagel.

WiFi Passwords – reset your WiFi Passwords nightly and make everyone ask you for the new one when they need to log in.

Sand – you cannot go to the beach without bringing back some sand.  So purchase a bag of sand and sprinkle it in the car, around the house.  For that authentic feel, at night after everyone is asleep, sprinkle a little sand over the clothes in everyone’s suitcase.   Everyone will feel like they have been to the beach all day long!

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers. ~ George Carlin

Friday Funny May 29, 2020 New Chicken Farmer

Happy Friday!  I hope this finds you safe and healthy.  These days people are trying their hand at a lot of different things, some with better success than others.

Enjoy!

The Corona-virus has impacted many different aspects of our lives.  I read an article citing data from Scotts Miracle-Gor indicating that, compared to a year ago, 36% more Americans are trying to grow their own vegetables, herbs and tomatoes this year.  I came across other stories stating that raising chicken has become a popular pandemic project.  

Then there was the story about the life-long city-slicker who decided that he was going to start raising chickens.  He figured if he was going to all the trouble of raising chickens for his family, he might as well get extra chickens so that he could raise and sell them to friends and neighbors. 

He built a few large coups on his property and searched out the nearest chick supplier.  He went and purchased 100 chicks. He was excited to get started on this new and. Hopefully, profitable hobby.

Two weeks later he was back.  His chick supplier asked him how things were going. The new chicken-farmer said, “Not too good. All 100 chickens died.”  

The man replied “Oh, I can’t believe that. I’ve never had any trouble with my chickens. Tell you what, I’ll give you 100 more.”  

Another two weeks went by, and the chick supplier stopped by to see how the new batch was progressing. The new farmer just shook his head and said, “You’re not going to believe this, but the second 100 chickens died too.”  

Astounded, the chic supplier asked, “I just don’t understand.  Any idea what went wrong?”  

Well, says the new farmer, “I’m not sure. But I think I’ve narrowed it down that I am either planting them too deep or too far apart.”

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken.” ~ Frank Perdue

 

Friday Funny May 22, 2020 More Chuck Norris Facts

Happy Friday! This Memorial Day weekend will certainly be a different kind of Memorial Day for many of us.  Be sure to take some time to reflect on the purpose and meaning of this holiday even in the midst of the current situation.  This also marks the unofficial start of summer which promises to be a unique summer by any measure.

In desperate times we often look for a hero, so seems like a good time to ponder a few “facts” about Chuck Norris.

Enjoy!

Chuck Norris got Corona-virus. Now the Corona-virus is in isolation.

The flu gets a Chuck Norris shot every year.

Freddy Krueger has nightmares about Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders

Chuck Norris can drown a fish.

Chuck Norris can kill your imaginary friends.

Chuck Norris can find the end of a circle.

Chuck Norris can make a slinky go upstairs.

Chuck Norris can sit in the corner of a round room.

Chuck Norris has a grizzly bear carpet in his room. The bear isn’t dead, it’s just afraid to move.

Chuck Norris can eat just one Lay’s potato chip.”

If at first you don’t succeed, you’re not Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris knows words that rhyme with Orange

Chuck Norris can lick his elbow.

Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water and make it drink.

Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“You are not what has happened to you. You are what you choose to become.”                    ~ Chuck Norris

Friday Funny May 15, 2020 Research to Answer Your Most Pressing Questions

Happy Friday!  Another week survived!  Perhaps you are pondering a lot of questions these days about many things like “What is the meaning of Life?” and “Do horses prefer bananas to apples?”  Well I cannot help you with the first one, but I can with the second and I have provided the links to prove it.

Enjoy!

I bet you have said “you can’t compare apples to oranges.”  Well the Connecticut Society of American Board Surgeons decided that they needed to see if these two are as different as we think.  They concluded that the only difference was in their color and type of seeds. Otherwise, they might as well be the same fruit.

https://pdfs.semanticscholar.org/e2bd/12fac1e7dc1294f4c8e8fbc8bb7a6c45ee85.pdf

Have you ever been on a treadmill, doing your workout when the thought just hits you, “I wonder how shrimp would do on a treadmill?”  and “I wonder if shrimp with bacterial infections would do worse?”Me neither but it did occur to some scientists who put shrimp on a treadmill and monitored their vital signs.  They injected some shrimp with bacterial infections and put them on a tiny underwater treadmill to see what would happen.  “Results show that infected crabs and shrimp do not perform on the treadmill as well as their uninfected counterparts.”  I imagine one would get similar results with humans.

http://cnsnews.com/news/article/us-government-has-spent-682570-study-shrimp-treadmill

Walking and chewing gum at the same time is one thing – walking and carrying a full cup of coffee at the same time is another.  I for, for one, know this is an essential life skill.  But perhaps I have been doing it wrong, there is research that has determined that people are less likely to spill coffee while walking backwards.

https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S2078152015300377

It seems everyone is concerned with social distancing these days.  Which makes research on the hazards of “double dipping” chips even more relevant.  Luckily Tulane University analyzed years of flu data and found cities that had a team in the Super Bowl saw an 18 percent increase in flu deaths. They traced the cause to Super Bowl parties and, specifically, people double dipping and infecting the guac or bean dip with their flu germs. So, keep everyone six feet away from your chip dip!

https://gizmodo.com/double-dipping-at-superbowl-parties-literally-kills-peo-1756513082

Don’t you just love to see pictures of other people’s food on social media?  Neither do I.  So why do so many people bother sharing those pictures?  Apparently sharing pictures on social media makes it taste better.  At least that is what a study out of St. Joseph’s University in Philadelphia determined.

https://www.cbc.ca/news/trending/instagram-your-food-1.3481717

Perhaps while you have been self-isolating you came across a spider in your house and perhaps you wondered if that spider just might be radio-active and perhaps you wondered if said radio-active spider bit you might you be able to turn into Spiderman?  Sorry, but you can dismiss that thought. After an extensive analysis, researchers at Cambridge University have concluded that the larger a person is, the more adhesives he would need to stick to a wall, making it virtually impossible for a normal sized human being to have the characteristics of Spiderman. No matter what your spidy-sense is telling you.

https://www.cam.ac.uk/research/news/why-spider-man-cant-exist-geckos-are-size-limit-for-sticking-to-walls

I know, we all feel more connected while social distancing by checking in on Facebook.  I hate to be the one to break this to you, but your Facebook friends are not really your friends and I tell you that as a friend.  A study done by an Oxford University professor concluded that there were only 4.1 “dependable” friends out of a typical user’s 150 Facebook friends.

https://royalsocietypublishing.org/doi/full/10.1098/rsos.150292

If you are as old as I am you might remember the Tootsie-Pop commercial where the kid goes to the wise old owl to ask, “how many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie-Pop?”  If you are like me, you have been waiting decades for an answer and now research comes to the rescue.  A study out of New York University has determined that the number of licks it takes to get to the center of an average-size lollipop is approximately 1,000.

https://www.cambridge.org/core/journals/journal-of-fluid-mechanics/article/shape-dynamics-and-scaling-laws-for-a-body-dissolving-in-fluid-flow/ECC951C579D5850095DAFF40CD2899BA

Have you ever given a horse a carrot and wondered if he would really rather have a banana?  Well wonder no more! Deborah Goodwin, BSc, PhD, research director of Applied Animal Behaviour Programmes at the University of Southampton has done the research.  Next time, give your horse a banana. 

https://www.smartpakequine.com/content/horse-flavor-preferences

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not “Eureka!” (I found it!) but “That’s funny…” ~Isaac Asimov

http://WWW.QUOTEGARDEN.COM

 

Friday Funny May 8, 2020 Thoughts to Ponder While Social-Distancing

Happy Friday!  Another week of social-distancing is in the books!  Here is hoping you and yours are well and still sane.  The slower pace of these days lends itself to some contemplation.  If you have run out of things to roll over in your mind, let me offer a few items for you to consider.

Enjoy!

Which is better the Library of Congress System or the Dewey Decimal System?

If life had a sound track, what song is currently playing?

Why didn’t the Coyote ever go back and try to improve a plan instead of just scrapping it and coming up with a new one?  Where did the Coyote get all the money that he spent buying Acme products?

Why does sour cream have an expiration date?  Isn’t it already sour?  Does it turn back into cream?  

Why are blueberries purple instead of blue?  Shouldn’t we call them purpleberries?

Why is the word for “fear of long words” one of the longest words in the dictionary? (hippotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia) Try to work this word into your next conversation!

When you say ‘Forward’ or ‘Back’, your lips move in those directions.  Say ‘Forward’ and ‘Back’ over and over again.

With all this bread baking going on did anyone ever pause to think that we are giving thousands of yeast organisms a false hope by feeding them sugar, then ruthlessly baking them to death in an oven and finishing it off by eating their corpses?

As drones get cheaper and cheaper how long until someone invents a hands-free umbrella?

If we say a “ton of people” we intend it to mean many, but it would literally be 12 to 15 people.

Why do phone plans offer “unlimited minutes” can you use more than 1,440 in a day?

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“If you cup runneth over, be sure and let it slosh on someone else” ~ unknown