Happy Friday! Happy Fathers’ Day! It definitely feels like Summer has made an early arrival. Be careful out there because it is so hot that……
Enjoy!
It is so hot out that even the artificial flowers are wilting.
It is so hot out that Optimus Prime transformed into an air conditioner.
It is so hot out that I saw a heatwave and I waved back.
It is so hot out that I poured McDonald’s hot coffee on my lap just to cool off.
It is so hot that the catfish was already fried when I caught it.
It is so hot that you can spot people who have had plastic surgery.
It is so hot that all the water buffalo at the zoo evaporated.
It is so hot that you cannot make a chili dog.
It is so hot that Tabasco sauce tastes mild.
It is so hot that Reds fans have started to take the bags off their heads.
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
My father used to play with my brother and me in the yard. Mother would come out and say, “You’re tearing up the grass.” “We’re not raising grass,” Dad would reply. “We’re raising boys.” ~Harmon Killebrew
Happy Friday! Congratulations on making it through another week. Let’s kick off the weekend with a little medical humor self-checkup.
Enjoy!
My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. He was right—I feel ten years older already.
I have an inferiority complex but it’s not a very good one.
Today I was checked by Dr. B. Gee. I hope I will be stayin’ alive.
The difference between an aerobics instructor and a dentist is that a dentist lets you sit down while he hurts you.\
I heard about an optometrist that fell into his lens grinding machine. It seems he really made a spectacle out of himself.
I played hide and seek in the hospital, but they kept finding me in the ICU.
I heard it takes three doctors to change a light bulb. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.
I heard about a baby born in the new high tech delivery room. It was cordless.
Last week I tried a new cough syrup, I had no idea what to expectorate.
Conjunctivitis.com — now that is a site for sore eyes.
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
“We’re living in an age of medical specialists. Nowadays what four out of five doctors recommend is another doctor.” ~Robert Orben, 2400 Jokes to Brighten Your Speeches, 1984
Happy Friday! Memorial Day weekend marks the unofficial start of summer. That means many of you will spend some time in the car this weekend. So, here are some tips to help you pass the time as the miles roll along.
Enjoy!
Fun Things to Do While Driving (These should only be attempted by professional drivers on a closed course).
1. Have a friend ride in the back seat. Gagged.
2. Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Headbang.
3. Wear snorkel gear and hang fish around from the ceiling.
4. Two words: Chicken suit.
5. Write the words “Help me” on your back window in red paint. The more it looks like blood, the better.
6. Pay the toll for the car behind you. Watch in rearview mirror as toll collector tries to explain to next driver.
7. Put a puppet on your driving hand and have him hold the wheel. Let the puppet talk to people when you’re at a stop light.
8. Roll down your window and yell “Moo!” when passing cows.
9. Roll down your window and yell at children reminding them to brush their teeth before going to bed.
10. Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out your window or sunroof. Feel free to make it dance.
11. At stop lights, make lizard faces at small children in the back seat of the car in front of you.
12. Put your arms down the legs of an extra pair of trousers, put sneakers on your hands, and lean the seat back as you drive.
13. At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a look of fear, suddenly lock your doors.
14. Honk frequently without motivation, especially when passing houses out in the country.
15. Wave at people often, especially when passing houses out in the county. If they wave back, offer an offended and angry look.
16. Hang fifty car-fresheners on the rear-view mirror.
17. Lob burning things in the windows of smokers who throw their cigarette butts out the window.
18. Keep at least five cats in the car.
19. Squeegee your windshield at every stop.
20. Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when driving alone.
21. Stop and take pictures of road kill
22. Stop and collect road kill.
23. Stop and cook road kill.
24. Drive off an exit ramp and ask for directions to the town you’re in. When they tell you you’re there, look confused, glance at your map, laugh, and exclaim, “Oh! wrong state!”
25. If listening to the beginning of a baseball game, be sure to stand during the National Anthem.
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
“I went to court for a parking ticket. I pleaded insanity. I said, Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?” ~ Steven Wright
Happy Friday! It has felt like summer this week and when it feels like summer it gets one thinking about vacation. So pack your bag for laughs.
Enjoy!
I didn’t realize how bad of a driver I was until my Tom Tom said, “In 1000 feet, do a slight right, stop, and let me out.”
I had to tell my suitcases there will be no vacation this summer. Now I’m dealing with emotional baggage.
I read a story about a pilot who decided to cook whilst flying? It was a recipe for disaster.
I tried to sue the airline for misplacing my luggage, unfortunately I lost my case.
I may not travel much, but I wonder how many miles I’ve scrolled with my thumb.
For Christmas, I bought my wife a world map and gave her a dart. I told her to throw it and wherever it lands, we will go on vacation this summer. Looks like we are spending two weeks behind the refrigerator.
Looks like I will have to cancel my vacation, I developed a rash and my dermatologist told me to apply the medication locally.
I once took a trip to a ski resort. It started off well, but things went downhill really fast.
I heard that photons do not take suitcases on vacation because they travel light.
What did the llama say before his vacation? Alpaca bag.
Happy Friday! Let’s kickoff the weekend with some medical jokes.
Enjoy!
I heard that the worst place to hide in a hospital is the ICU.
Have you heard about the new Canadian strain of Covid? People are showing up at the hospital eh-symptomatic.
I stopped by a local hospital today only to find that it had been converted into a library, I had to suffer in silence.
I heard about a man who was admitted to hospital after swallowing 6 plastic horses. His condition has been described as stable.
I heard that the nicest guy in the hospital is the ultra-sound guy.
I heard that the coolest guy in the hospital is the hip replacement guy.
I heard about a dermatologist who was fired at the hospital for making too many rash decisions.
When I was young, I once dated an X-ray tech I met during a short hospital stay, I always wondered what she saw in me.
If you donate a kidney to a hospital everyone thinks you are a hero but if you donate 10 kidneys everyone thinks you are a monster.
I woke this morning with an awful cough, I think it might be pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis, but it’s hard to say.
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
“Everything is so expensive. What hospitals really need is cheaper equipment — like an X-ray machine that takes four poses for a quarter.” ~Robert Orben, 2400 Jokes to Brighten Your Speeches, 1984
Happy Easter! Happy Passover and Happy Tax Day – well maybe not so happy about Tax Day. Maybe laughing about will make you feel a little better.
Enjoy!
I heard that accountants are able to remain cool, calm and collected because they have strong internal controls.
I heard that accountants like the weekends because they get to wear casual clothes to work.
I heard about a cannibal CPA, he charges an arm and a leg.
I heard about an accountant and banker who got broke off their relationship, seems they couldn’t reconcile their differences.
Did you hear about the auditor who proposed to his girlfriend with an engagement letter?
Did you hear about the CPA who was having a mid-life crisis? He bought a faster calculator.
Did you hear about the church that was getting indicted by the IRS for displaying false prophets?
Did you hear about the chiropractor who was audited by IRS? She owed back taxes.
I heard about a new dating app for CPAs. it’s called “Let’s Get Fiscal.”
If you crossed a tax accountant with a jet airplane would you get a Boring 747?
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
“It’s income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta.” ~ Dave Barry.
Leonard's Lines 