Friday Funny October 19, 2018 Sleep on It

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Happy Friday!  After a long week, many look forward to some rest and relaxation over the weekend.  Here is wishing you rest and sweet dreams.

Enjoy!

I have a condition that makes me eat when I can’t sleep, it’s called Insom-nom-nom-nom-nia!”

I do not think I am an early bird nor a night owl.  I am more of a permanently exhausted pigeon.

I got paid for being part of a study at the sleep clinic, yes it was my dream job.

The most consistent exercise I get is tossing and turning all night.

One night I dreamed I was a muffler. When I woke up I was exhausted.

Another night I dreamed that I’d written “The Lord of the Rings.” When I mentioned this to my wife she said that I’d been Tolkien in my sleep.

My friend asked me if they could borrow some sleeping pills. I said “Sure, knock yourself out.”

If there was an elephant who had trouble sleeping would you give him a trunkquillizer?

I heard that Chuck Norris sleeps with a nightlight not because he’s afraid of the dark, but because the dark is afraid of him.

Studies have shown that the amount of sleep required by an average person is ten more minutes.

If your iPad making is making you fall asleep, I heard there’s a nap for that.

I vow not to sleep until I find a cure for my insomnia.

Thought for the Week

“What hath night to do with sleep?” ― John Milton, Paradise Lost

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Friday Funny October 12, 2018 Business Jokes

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Happy Friday!  Congratulations for surviving yet another work week and speaking of work, here is a little workplace humor to wrap up your work week.

Enjoy!

My boss is very easygoing. He told me not to think of him as the boss, rather, think of him as a friend who is never wrong.”

I tried to begin a limousine business. But despite putting all my money and effort into it, I never even got my first customer…all that time and nothing to chauffeur it.

I once had a job assisting a one-armed typist with capital letters.. it was shift work.

I recently applied for a job as an inspector at a mirror factory, it is something I could see myself doing.

My wife tells me that I talk in my sleep all the time. But I do not buy it, nobody at work ever mentions it.

If business slows down at a medicine factory could you hear a cough drop?

Did the electrician decide to close business one day a week because business was light?

Did you hear about the ancient Egyptian man who tried to make a success in the stone quarry business? It turned out that it was a pyramid scheme all along

 Committee Meeting Rules
1) Never arrive on time, this marks you as a beginner.
2) Don’t say anything until the meeting is half over; this marks you as being wise.
3) Be as vague as possible; this prevents irritating the others.
4) When in doubt, suggest that a subcommittee be appointed.
5) Be the first to move for adjournment; this will make you popular since this is what everyone is waiting for.

Thought for the Week

To get something done a committee should consist of no more than three people, two of whom are absent.  ~Robert Copeland

http://www.quotegarden.com

Friday Funny October 5, 2018 Murphy’s Law and Corollaries

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Happy Friday and Welcome to October!  No doubt you have heard of Murphy’s Law – the old adage that “If anything can go wrong it will go wrong.”  This week I thought I would expand on that and share some similar thoughts.

Enjoy!

If you find a way to make ends meet, the ends will move. 

If you change lines because another line is moving faster, the line you just left will move faster than the one you changed to. 

If there is a 50-50 chance that you might be right, there is a 90 percent chance you will be wrong.

If it says “one size fits all,” it doesn’t. 

If you have lost an item, the quickest way to find it is to purchase its replacement.

If you ask more than one question in a work-related email the only question that will be answered is the one that you are least concerned with.

If you are waiting for an email to be answered, it will arrive as soon as you step away from your computer.

If you receive any recognition for work, it will be related to the lest enjoyable part of your job.

If you drop any tool or small item, it will roll to the least accessible spot in the room.

 If the shoe fits perfectly, you will not like the style.

If you have just poured a hot cup of coffee, your attention will be required for the exact amount of time it will take you coffee to become room temperature.

If you find a product that you really like, the company will cease production.

If you find a television show you really enjoy, it will be canceled.

If there is a song you despise, it will be played on the radio.  

At any event, anyone with a seat closer to the center of the row will arrive after you are seated.

The probability of an event happening has an inverse ratio to its desirability. 

The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Thought for the Week

I never make stupid mistakes. Only very, very clever ones. ~John Peel

http://www.quotegarden.com

Friday Funny September 28, 2018 High Flying Humor

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Happy Friday.  This week, I have selected a few flying jokes chosen especially for you.

Enjoy!

If someone got sick of being in an airport, would it be a terminal illness?

If you crossed an airplane with a magician would you get a flying sorcerer?

If you crossed a snake with an airplane would you get a Boeing Constrictor?

The fees airlines charge are getting out of hand. The last time I flew, they charged me for my emotional baggage.

I have a friend who is a pilot who never has any trouble being employed, it seems he is really great at landing a job.

A vulture was tired of flying south every fall and decided to take a plane instead. When he checked in at the airport the gate agent noticed two dead raccoons with his luggage so she asked if he wanted to check the raccoons through as luggage.  The vulture replied, “No, thanks, they’re carrion.” 

Thought for the Week

A friend knows the song in my heart and sings it to me when my memory fails.  ~Donna Roberts  http://www.quotegarden.com

Friday Funny September 21, 2018 Random Funnies

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Happy Friday and Welcome to Fall!   Here are a few random jokes to kick off the weekend.

Enjoy! 

Why did the storm trooper buy an iphone?  Because he could not find the Droid he was looking for.

The other day, I bought what has to be the  world’s worst thesaurus.  Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.

I made a chicken salad today; unfortunately she wouldn’t eat any of it..

What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate?  Sorry, my fault

I bought one of those travelling irons yesterday and when I woke up this morning and it was gone.

My friends accused me of being tight-fisted, so to prove them wrong I bought them a cup of coffee.  As it turns out they each wanted one.

When I was little my Mom used to feed me alphabet soup all the time.  She told people I loved it but she was just putting words in my mouth.

I was going to buy a grenade today but things quickly went awry when the cashier asked me for my PIN.

When I was a kid, I could put air in my bike for free.  Now it’s $1.50! I asked the guy at the gas station attendant why.  He said, “Inflation.”

My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink but no one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they finally got sick of him and kicked him out the movie theater.

Thought for the Week

How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn’t make it a leg. ~Abraham Lincoln

http://www.quotegarden.com

 

Friday Funny September 14, 2018 It’s Off to Work We Go

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Happy Friday!  Congratulations on making it through another work week and to celebrate here is a little work related humor.

Enjoy!

It seems like the only thing worse than seeing something done wrong is seeing it done slowly.

The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.

I think we have enough youth. I’ve started looking for the fountain of “Smart.”

Things really haven’t gotten worse. We’ve just improved our inter-departmental communication skills

I have found that a positive attitude may not solve all my problems, but it does annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.

I think I was hired my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work twice as hard when I’m around!

I am finding that I am at that age where work is a lot less fun and fun takes a lot more work.

My boss says that I tend to intimidate people, I just stared at him until he apologized.

Is efficiency merely a highly developed form of laziness?

The farther away the future is, the better it looks..

They say that we learn from our mistakes and it seems we never run out of study material.

I feel like my job is secure because no one in their right mind would want it.

I told my wife that I saw a deer on the way to work this morning. She said, “How do you know he was on his way to work?”

As I get older and think back on all the people I’ve lost along the way, I realize that just maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t for me.

Thought for the Week

If you have a job without any aggravations, you don’t have a job. ~Malcolm S. Forbes

http://www.quotegarden.com

Friday Funny September 7, 2018 The Class of 2022

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Labor Day has come and gone and school is back in session.  In the annual effort to remind me how old I am getting, Beloit College has published the “Mindset List” noting events that have shaped the incoming freshman class, the class of 2022.  Most of the incoming freshman this year were born in 2000.  Here are some of my favorite items from this years list. 

For the full list visit http://www.beloit.edu/mindset

Enjoy!

They’ve grown up with stories about where their grandparents were on 11/22/63 and where their parents were on 9/11.

Investigative specials examining the O.J. Simpson case have been on TV annually since their birth.

They never used a spit bowl in a dentist’s office.

There has never been an Enron.

They have always been able to refer to Wikipedia.

 “You’ve got mail” would sound as ancient to them as “number, please” would have sounded to their parents.

A visit to a bank has been a rare event.

Xlerators have always been drying hands in 15 seconds with a roar.

Chernobyl has never produced any power in their lifetimes.

Donny and Marie who?

They never tasted Pepsi Twist in the U.S.

Films have always been distributed on the Internet.

The detachable computer mouse is almost extinct.

The Mir space station has always been at the bottom of the South Pacific.

King Friday the 13th and Lady Elaine Fairchild have always dwelled in the Neighborhood, but only in re-runs.

Thought for the Week

One cannot and must not try to erase the past merely because it does not fit the present. ~Golda Meir

http://www.quotegarden.coom