Friday Funny, February 3, 2023 Some Random Jokes

Happy Friday and Happy February!  2023 is already 8% over! I hope the year is off to a good start for you.  Let’s kick off the weekend with some random jokes chosen especially for you.

Enjoy!

I heard that when rainbows are bad they get sent to Prism, but it is a light sentence.

Here is an easy way to tell the gender of an ant. Put it in a glass of water. If it sinks it’s a girl ant. If it floats it’s buoyant.

I was reading a story about a claustrophobic astronaut, apparently he just needed some space.

I like jokes about stationery, but rulers are where I draw the line.

If 70% of the earth is water, and virtually none of it is carbonated, could we say that the earth is, in fact, flat?

This morning I saw a person dragging a clam on a leash behind him and it occurred to me that it  must be hard to walk with a pulled mussel. 

As part of my New Year’s routine, I have started doing crunches twice a day. Captain in the morning. Nestle in the afternoon. 

Did you know that you can hear the blood in your veins? You just have to listen varicosely. 

Did you hear the one about the donut that went to the Dentist? It needed a filling.

Would you call a dog that has been run over by a steamroller, Spot?

I have been a bookkeeper for 10 years.  The library is not very happy about it.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“A wise man will make more opportunities than he finds.” ~Francis Bacon (1561–1626)

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Friday Funny January 27, 2023 Jokes Served Sunny Side UP

Happy Friday!  We have already come to the last Friday in January!  They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day, so how about a side order of breakfast jokes to kick off the weekend?

Enjoy!

Is it true that for breakfast iPhones eat Siri-al?

Is it true that for breakfast thesauruses eat synonym buns?

Is it true that for breakfast cats eat mice krispies?

Is it true that for breakfast dogs eat woofles?

Is it true that for breakfast Spies eat their waffles syruptitiously?

Is it true that for breakfast electricians eat Ohm-eletes?

Is it true that for breakfast comedian’s eat pun-cakes?

I hate it when I run out of bread for breakfast, you could say that I am lack-toast intolerant.

This morning I had the strangest breakfast, it was surreal.

I once went to a haunted bed and breakfast in France, man that place really gave me the crêpes.

Most mornings I really do not care what I have for breakfast, you might even say I am eggnostic.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast any time” so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.’~ Steven Wright

Friday Funny January 20, 2023 Alexia, Tell Me a Joke

Recently my wife purchased an Amazon Alexia device.  It can turn on lights, act as a timer, answer a myriad of questions and it can tell jokes!  You be the judge of whether or not it can tell good jokes.

Enjoy!

I asked a lone wolf for a stick of gum, but she didn’t have a pack.

What do you call a pretty pig?

Hamsome.

What do you call a hen who counts her eggs?

A mathemachicken.

What did the Terminator say when he drank his last drop of coffee?

Hasta Barista Baby.

How does James Bond like to sleep?

Under covers.

What do you call an X-wing pilot who does too many barrel rolls?

Puke Skywalker.

Why did the chief chase the chickens oat of the restaurant?

Too many clucks in the kitchen.

Why was the chiropractor so busy?

He had back-to-back meetings.

Where does a rhombus post its selfies?

On a parallelogram

Did you read the reviews about the new blender?

It got mixed results.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“People will come to love their oppression, to adore the technologies that undo their capacities to think.” ~ Aldous Huxley.

Friday Funny January 13, 2023 Jokes That I Cannot Take Credit For

Happy Friday!  I was reading the other day about how credit card balances went up a significant amount in December.  So, I thought it would be a good time to share some credit & banking jokes.

Enjoy!

I heard that Luke Skywalker’s credit card of preference is a Jedi Mastercard.

Would you call a credit card riding a train from New York to  Los Angeles an American Express?

I heard that if you have bad credit and need a loan that you should take a trigonomitrist with you to the Bank so that he can cosign.

Is it true that the bank owner bought some cows to beef up security?

Bankers, by nature are pretty antisocial, they really are a bunch of loaners.

I read a story about a cheetah who robbed a bank.  He ran away so fast that he almost got away with it. Unfortunately, he was spotted.

Is it true that money is called dough because we all knead it?

My Dad used to tell me that I should work really hard until my bank balance would look like a phone number.  Well after years and years I have done it, my balance is $9.11.

I don’t like to brag, but I am pretty good at managing my credit accounts.  In fact the Bank keeps sending me letters to let me know that my balance is outstanding.

It has gotten cold again.  The other morning I had to scrap the ice off of my windshield.  I used my supermarket credit card and got 10% off.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“If inflation continues to soar, you’re going to have to work like a dog just to live like one.” ~ George Gobel

Friday Funny January 6, 2023 Jokes to Sneeze At

TISSUE BOX

Happy Friday!  I hope that 2023 is off to a good start for you and that good things are ahead.  It is that time of year when it seems like there is always someone in the family who is sick as germs just keep making their rounds during winter.  So grab a tissue and a laugh.

Enjoy!

My wife gave me a “Get better soon” card.  I am not sick; she just thinks I can be better.

Is it true that when a boat gets sick it goes to the dock?

Is it true that when a horse gets sick it goes to the horsepital?

Is it true that when fish get sick, they go to the sturgeon?

Is it true that when a snake is sick, it should take an anti-hiss-tamine?

Is your cat sick if she is not feline well?

If you get sick at the airport would that be called a terminal illness?

Is it true that most employees get sick on work days because of their weekend immune system?

If you are feeling sick over increasing gas prices at the pump would you have the car owner virus?

If you get sick in space, would you still say the you are under the weather?

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“I feel more like I do now than I did a little while ago” ~ Mr. Youngerman, my high school chemistry teacher

Friday Funny December 30, 2022 Jokes To Ring In 2023

Happy last Friday of 2022!  Here is wishing you a great 2023!

Enjoy!

What did the woman say when she was offered a raisin on New Year’s Eve? “No thanks, I already have a date.”

I still cannot understand why people flock to Times Square on New Year’s Eve. They always drop the ball.

My resolution for the New Year is to read more, so I turned on the subtitles on my TV.

My wife still hasn’t told me what my New Year’s resolutions are.

Where can you find comedians at a New Year’s Eve party? In the punchline.

Why do you need a jeweler on December 31st? To ring in the New Year.

Is it true that the spider’s New Year’s resolution was to spend less time on the web?

Is it true that Frankenstein’s New Year’s resolution is to make new friends?

My New Year’s Resolution is to give up aerosol deodorant –  in the new year. Roll on 2023!!

For several years, my annual New Year’s Resolution has been to work on my novel. But THIS year I will do it, I only have a few chapters left to read! 

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

” Be always at war with your vices, at peace with your neighbors, and let each new year find you a better man.” ~ Benjamin Franklin“

The Night Before Christmas In The Digital Age

It is Christmas Eve, so time for me once again to apologize to Clement Clarke Moore and share my adaptation of his classic for the digital age.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Enjoy!

‘Twas the day before Christmas, when at my house

I was at the computer, moving the mouse;

It was time for another Friday Funny, does anyone care

If in the morning, the email inbox has a funny there?

Two of my boys were still nestled all snug in their beds,

While visions of homemade cookies danced in their heads;

While mamma was working, I was off for the day,

It seemed like there was nothing funny for me to say,

When out on the Internet there arose such a clatter,

I sprang to my browser to see what was the matter.

Away to another window I flew like a flash,

Hoping as always that my computer would not crash.

The back-lighting of the monitor produced a glow

Which gave a slight luster to objects below,

As I wondered from web site to web site what should appear,

But a miniature sleigh jpg, complete with reindeer,

With a little driver icon, so lively and quick, I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.

More rapid than dsl downloads his cursers they came,

And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;

“Now, Yahoo! now, Google! now, Facebook and Amazon!

On, ebay! on youtube! on, myspace and ask.com!

To the top of the screen! to the top of the wall!

Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!”

As deleted lines that before the backspace button fly,

When they meet with a click, mount to the sky,

So up to the screen-top the cursers they flew,

With a file full of toys, and St. Nicholas too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the speaker

The prancing and pawing of each little squeaker.

As I drew in my hand, and was scrolling around,

Downloading an mpeg, St. Nicholas came with a bound.

He was digitally dressed from his head to his foot,

And his clothes were photo-shopped with ashes and soot;

A bundle of toys he had superimposed on his back,

And he looked like a Trojan file just opening his pack.

His eyes — they pulsated! his dimples they grew!

His cheeks had roses painted on them, his nose was blue!

His droll little mouth transfigured to a bow,

And the beard of his chin turned into white snow;

His pipe was a tree stump he held tight in his teeth,

And the smoke wafted up and became a green wreath;

He had a broad face and a little round belly,

That shook, when he laughed and turned into jelly.

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,

And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;

Two winking eyes and a fast spinning head,

Soon gave me to know I had no virus to dread;

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,

He backed up my hard drive; then turned with a jerk,

And laying his finger aside of his nose,

And giving a nod, up the window he rose;

He sprang to his jpg, to his team gave a whistle,

And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.

But I heard him exclaim, ere he deleted his cookie from sight,

“Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.”

© 2019 LeonardsLines.com

Friday Funny December 23, 2022 Christmas Quotes

Happy Friday! Happy Hannukah! Merry Christmas!  The forecast where I am has the weather turning quite frightful for the next day or so. But let me send warm wishes to you and yours this weekend!

Enjoy!

Leonard

“Remember that the important thing is not what you give, or how you wrap it. The important thing, during this very special time of year, is that you save the receipt.” ~ Dave Barry

“I bought my brother some gift wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.” ~ Steven Wright

“Santa Claus has the right idea — visit people only once a year.”~ Victor Borge

 “I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph.” ~ Shirley Temple

 “It’s Christmas Eve! It’s the one night of the year when we all act a little nicer, we smile a little easier, we cheer a little more. For a couple of hours out of the whole year, we are the people that we always hoped we would be.” ~ Bill Murray – Scrooged

 “People really act weird at Christmas time! What other time of year do you sit in front of a dead tree in the living room and eat nuts and sweets out of your socks?” ~ Unknown

 “Christmas is a time when you get homesick, even if you’re home.” ~ Carol Nelson

 “I wish we could put some of our Christmas spirit in jars and open one up every month.” ~ Unknown

“He who has not Christmas in his heart will never find it under a tree.” ~ Roy L. Smith

“A good holiday is one spent among people whose notions of time are vaguer than yours.” ~John B. Priestly

“Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the Holiday Season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we see a shopper emerge from the mall, then we follow her, in very much the same spirit as the Three Wise Men, who 2,000 years ago followed a star, week after week, until it led them to a parking space.” ~ Dave Berry

“As we struggle with shopping lists and invitations, compounded by December’s bad weather, it is good to be reminded that there are people in our lives who are worth this aggravation, and people to whom we are worth the same.” ~ Donald E. Westlake

“Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present.” ~Unknown

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

And the angel said to them, “Fear not, for behold, I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. – Luke 2:10

Friday Funny December 16, 2022 Christmas Groaner Triple Header

Happy Friday! Christmas is just around the corner now and my Jewish friends will start celebrating Hanukah this weekend. So, let’s kick off the weekend with a triple header of holiday themed groaners.

Enjoy!

A man goes to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth.

The dentist examines him and says, “That new upper plate I put in for you six months ago, is eroding. What have you been eating?”

The man replies, “All I can think of is that, about four months ago, my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious . . . Hollandaise sauce.  I loved it so much I started putting it on everything – meat, toast, fish, vegetables, everything.”

“Well,” says the dentist, “there is the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It’s eaten away your upper plate. I’ll make you a new plate, and this time I will make it out of chrome.”

 “Why chrome?” asks the patient.

And the dentist says, “It’s simple.  Everyone knows that there’s no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise.”

————————————————————————————————-

An American couple on vacation was walking down the street in St. Petersburg one night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose.

“I think it’s raining,” he said to his wife. 

“No, that felt more like snow to me,” she replied.

“No, I’m sure it was just rain, he said.”

 Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a minor communist party official walking toward them. “Let’s not fight about it,” the man said, “let’s ask Comrade Rudolph whether it’s officially raining or snowing.”

As the official approached, the man said, “Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?”

“It’s raining, of course,” he answered and walked on.

But the woman insisted: “I know that felt like snow!”

To which the man quietly replied: “Well, Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!”

—————————————————————————————————

It was early December, and a fancy hotel was hosting a chess tournament. The tournament had rented out the hotel’s entire ballroom, and the first day had, thus far, gone smoothly, with all but the final rounds decided in the tournament. The time came for a break, and the entire convention shuffled out of the ballroom out by the foyer so employees could convert the chess tables to banquet tables for the evening’s dinner, and otherwise clean up. Several of the games during the day had been close, featuring especially dramatic end games, and everyone was excited about the prospects for the final rounds. The remaining finalists boasted about their victories that day and previously, and slowly the normally quiet tournament’s volume grew to a dull roar, disturbing the other hotel guests. Guest after guest complained to the hotel staff, until finally the hotel manager came out and asked to speak to the president of the chess tournament.

“Oh, hello, what seems to be the matter?”

“I’m sorry but you and your attendees need to quiet down or leave until the banquet is finished being arranged.”

“What? Why?”

“You’re all causing quite a ruckus, and no one can tolerate chess nuts boasting by an open foyer.

—————————————————————————————————————————–

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Come in, — come in! and know me better, man! I am the Ghost of Christmas Present. Look upon me! You have never seen the like of me before!”
~ Charles Dickens, A Christmas Carol

Friday Funny December 9, 2022 Things to Cross Off Your Gift List NOW!

Happy Friday! We are in the midst of the Christmas/Hannukah Shopping Season.  I thought I would help you out this week with a few useful pointers of items to make certain ARE NOT on your gift giving list this year.    

Enjoy!

Pizza sleeping bag with optional vegetable topping pillow – I like pizza and I do enjoy a good night’s sleep, but just skip this one.

Titanic ice cube trays – what could be more fun than watching the Titanic sink every time you have a cold beverage?

Pet Hair Crafting Books – most people are trying to get rid of pet hair, not making a sweater of a pair of socks out of it.

Insect Larva – what is more exciting that getting bugs for Christmas?  You can even spice it up with a yummy pack that contains real larva in BBQ, Mexican spice, and cheddar-makes a great after dinner snack!

Voodoo Doll – nothing says, “I Love You” like giving someone a voodoo doll – it might be dangerous if you include the pins as well.

Pooping Pooches Calendar – a whole year’s worth of pictures of dogs doing what comes naturally in a variety of naturally lovely places.

Horse Head Squirrel Feeder – a hanging squirrel feeder that makes it appear that the squirrel that eating from it is wearing a horse mask.

Light Saber Chopsticks – the ultimate gift for the ultimate Star Wars fan who loves Chinese food.  I do not think the force is with this one.

Chia Pet – a gift to avoid for over four decades running.

Cleaning Supplies – cleaning is not fun – cleaning supplies are not a gift. Two facts that you should already know.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.” ~ Winston Churchill