Friday Funny March 23, 2018 An Ode to Old Man Winter

Happy Friday! Happy Spring!!  Congratulations, you have survived the winter of 2017-2018, or at least you thought it was over. 

It seems as though Old Man Winter will vent his wrath once more this weekend which makes it a good time to dust off one of the more “classical” Friday Funnies.  Stay warm and stay safe this weekend.  Spring will come soon, you have my word.



(with an apology to William Shakespeare)

This hath surely been a winter of discontent,

Old Man Winter hath chilled us ‘till we have turned blue,

He hath sleeted on us time and time again,

He hath made us sore from fortnight after fortnight of shoveling,

He hath iced our walks ‘till we have fallen down yonder slippery slope,

And he has wronged us time and time again!

What’s in a name? That which we call winter by any other name would feel just as cold.

To thaw or not to thaw: that is the question:

Whether ‘tis Nobler in the mind and body to suffer

The wind chills and snow storms of an outrageous winter,

Or to take up plow and salt against this season of troubles?

Frost-bitten Friends, Raw Romans, chilled countrymen, lend me your ear muffs;

I come to bury Old Man Winter, not to praise him.

The wrath of winter often lingers on;

The good is oft forgotten;

So let it be with Old Man Winter.

The Nobel Weatherman hath told you Old Man Winter was historic:

If it were so, it was a grievous fault,

And grievously hath Old Man Winter answer’d it.

He was hardly my friend, not to me nor to any of you:

But yon Weatherman says he was historic;

And yon Weatherman is an honorable man.

Some winters are great, some winters achieve greatness, and some winters are just a royal pain.

One touch of Old Man Winter makes the whole world cold.

You all did welcome him once, but he wore out said welcome:

You all do know this mantle: I remember

The first time ever Old Man Winter put it on;

‘Twas on a late fall’s evening, in his tent,

That day he overcame the Winter Solstice:

Look, in this place ran El Nino’s dagger through:

See what a rent the envious Polar Vortex made:

Through this the much-anticipated Warm Front stabbed;

And as he plucked his cursed steel away,

Which all the while ran melting snow, great Old Man Winter fell.

O, what a fall was there, my countrymen!

Then I, and you, and all of us sunk down in the slush,

Here was a Winter! When comes such another?

Now let it work. Spring, thou art afoot,

Take thou what course thou wilt!

Thought for the Week

It was one of those March days when the sun shines hot and the wind blows cold: when it is summer in the light, and winter in the shade.  ~Charles Dickens, Great Expectations


Friday Funny March 16, 2018 St. Patrick’s Day

Happy Friday!  Happy last weekend of Winter!  Happy St. Patrick’s Day!  In honor of the “wearin’ ‘o the green”  here are a few jokes that just might have you Dublin over with laughter.


If you crossed poison ivy with a four-leaf clover would you get a rash of good luck?

If you crossed a pillowcase with a stone would you get a sham rock?

If you crossed a leprechaun with a Texan would you find a pot of chili at the end of the rainbow?

Do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick’s Day because regular rocks are too heavy?

Did St. Patrick drive all the snakes out of Ireland because he couldn’t afford air fare?

Would you call a big Irish spider a paddy-long-legs?

Would you call an Irishman bouncing off the walls Rick O’Shay?

Would you call a leprechaun who gets sent to jail a lepre-con?

Would you call a clumsy Irish dance a jig mistake?

Just remember – St. Patrick’s Day puns don’t just shame you, they Seamus all.

Thought for the Week

“May your blessings outnumber
The shamrocks that grow,
And may trouble avoid you
Wherever you go.”
~Irish Blessing

Friday Funny March 9, 2018 A Recipe For Laughter

Happy Friday!  Recently I have been trying to pay more attention to what I eat.  The problem is that I like to eat just about everything!  But I am making some progress and it helps to laugh about it.  So, this week, I thought I would serve up a little food related humor.


This week was my anniversary. I told my wife I was taking her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food right in front of you. I don’t think she was that impressed with Subway…

I saw a movie about a hot dog. I heard it was an Oscar Wiener.

Food has been on my mind so much lately that I even wrote a song about tortillas – well, it is really more of a rap.

The other day I ate an entire gallon of “All Natural” ice cream. Then I had Breyer’s remorse.

I always make sure I have at least one bag of chips around, in queso emergency.

Would you call a man who can eat sugar with both hands ambidextrous?

Is the most popular donut in Jamaican Cinnamon?

Did the grapefruit stop rolling down the hill because it ran out of juice?

Do watermelons have fancy weddings because they cantaloupe?

Would you call a round, green vegetable that breaks out of prison an escapea?

Is it a bad sign when you enter what you ate into your fitness app and it sends an ambulance to your house?

Can I cook a Free-Range chicken on a stove I purchased?

When the weather warms up, I think I will start a herb garden, if I can find the thyme.

Thought for the Week

A diet is the penalty we pay for exceeding the feed limit. ~Author unknown

Friday Funny March 2, 2018 Magical Thoughts

Happy Friday!  March is here and that magical season of spring is just around the corner!  Speaking of magic, a recent trip to the most magical place on earth serves as inspiration for a little Disney related humor this week.


Is it true that you should not give Elsa a balloon because she will just let it go?

Did Mickey go into outer space because he was looking for Pluto?

When Snow White was told that her photos weren’t ready did she reply, “That’s OK, Some Day My Prints Will come”?

Is it true that all Disney characters drive Minnie Vans?

Did Captain Hook buy his hook at a second-hand store?

When Daisy Duck buys lipstick does she say, “Put it on my bill”?

If Cinderella’s shoe fit so perfectly, why did it fall off in the first place?

Was Cinderella so very bad at soccer because she was always running away from the ball, she kept losing her shoes, and she had a pumpkin for a coach?

Did you know that Snow White always treats each of the Seven Dwarfs equally? Well she the magic mirror did say that she is the fairest of them all.

Is Disney World really just a people trap set by a mouse?

Thought for the Week

You can dream, create, design and build the most wonderful place in the world, but it requires people to make the dream a reality ~ Walt Disney

Friday Funny February 23, 2018 The Return of the Joke Master

Happy Friday!  I hope you have had a good week.  Mine has been pretty hectic.  Being a bit pressed for time I pulled out the handy, dandy Joke Master to quickly find a dozen jokes chosen especially for you.


A vulture board an airplane carrying two dead raccoons.  The stewardess looks at him and says, “I’m sorry sir, but only one carrion per passenger is allowed.

How did the butcher introduce his wife?  Meet Patti!

I married my wife for her looks, but not the ones she’s been giving me lately.

If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t more people happy?

I finally got my head together and my body fell apart.

Entropy isn’t what it used to be.

Did you hear about the man who fell into an upholstery machine?  I hear he is fully recovered now.

A truck carry copies of Roger’s Thesaurus overturned on the interstate this week.  The newspaper reported witnesses as “stunned, overwhelmed, astonished, bewildered and dumbfounded.” 

Would you call a Viking with a pocket protector a Nerdic?

The other day I put my wrists in front of my eyes. I now have carpal tunnel vision syndrome.

There is an old proverb that says basically anything you want it to.

Deja Fu – that strange feeling that somehow, somewhere, you have been kicked in the head like this before.

Thought for the Week

Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not; a sense of humor to console him for what he is.  ~Francis Bacon

Friday Funny February 16, 2017 Valentine Dream

Happy Friday!  You have survived another Valentines Day!  I know I am a couple of days late with Valentine Jokes, but they were 50% off.


After she woke up, a woman told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond necklace for Valentine’s day. What do you think it means?”

“You’ll know tonight.” he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.
Delighted, she opened it – to find a book entitled “The Meaning of Dreams.”


I asked my friend if he’d bought his wife a gift for Valentine’s Day. 

He’s a bit of a chauvinist pig so he surprised me when he replied, “Yeah, I’ve got her a belt and a bag.”

I said, “That’s very thoughtful of you. I hope she appreciates it.”

He said, “So do I. And hopefully the vacuum cleaner will work much better now.”    


My wife just sent me a text saying, “I’ve just got you the best Valentine’s Day present ever! xox”

I really hope she misspelled “Xbox”.

Thought for the Week

“The heart has its reasons that reason does not know. “~ Pascal

Friday Funny February 9, 2018 More One-Liners

Happy Friday!  Here are some quick one-liners chosen especially for you.


My IQ came back negative.

Never trust a dog to watch your food.

Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I know I do.

You take away the looks, money, intelligence, charm and success and, really, there’s no real difference between me and George Clooney.

I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.

I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.

My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline; boy did she hit the roof.

I just burned 2,000 calories. Guess that is what I get for leaving brownies in the oven while I nap.

eBay is so useless. I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 13,749 matches.

My friend asked me to describe myself in 3 words… “Lazy.”

What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle? A tire.

A cop just knocked on my door and told me that my dogs were chasing people on bikes. I just laughed, my dogs don’t even own bikes.

My wife asked me to pass her the Chapstick and I accidentally passed her the Glue Stick. She still hasn’t talked to me.

Thought for the Week

Laughter is the sun that drives winter from the human face. ~Victor Hugo