Friday Funny November 15, 2019 Quick Jokes to Kick Off Your Day

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Happy Friday!  It is mid-November and Thanksgiving is less than two weeks away, have a laugh before you start defrosting that turkey!

Enjoy!

Is it true that claustrophobic people are more productive when thinking out of the box?

I saw that the current World tongue-twister champion was arrested. I think they are hoping to give him a tough sentence.

Forget electric cars!  I have this great idea for a car that doesn’t have wheels.  I have been working on it tirelessly.

Everyone encourages you to always go the extra mile at work unless you are a taxi driver.

I once had a job as a stage designer, I wasn’t very happy when they fired me but I left without making a scene.

I used to work at a fire hydrant factory.  The biggest problem was you couldn’t park anywhere near the place.

I just got a job as the Chief Information Executive at Old McDonald’s Farm. I’m the new CIEIO.

I once had a job as a mind reader but I was not any good at it, in fact I was telepathetic.

I have seen people who are underwhelmed and I have seen people who are overwhelmed; however, I do not recall ever seeing anyone whelmed properly.

If a kitchen remodeler is not working efficiently is he being counter productive?

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

Dull November brings the blast,
Then the leaves are whirling fast.
~Sara Coleridge, “The Months,” Pretty Lessons In Verse, For Good Children; With Some Lessons in Latin, In Easy Rhyme, 1834

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Recalling the Wonder of Snow

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It is not quite mid-November yet and here in Southwestern Ohio we have had out first measurable snow of the season.  I realize that I do not live in Alaska or Minnesota or Buffalo or Chicago where snow is on the ground and will stay on the ground for months.  However, the 3.2 inches recorded at the Cincinnati-Northern Kentucky Airport is a new record here for this date.   So, of course, people are in a panic.  Many have run to the grocery to buy milk, bread and eggs certain that they will not be able to get outside of the house for several weeks (apparently there is an undeniable urge to eat french toast when in snows). 

I understand that accumulating snow does complicate things, that we should drive a bit slower and walk more carefully.  I realize that cold is a real hazard to one’s well-being.  Yet, I would encourage you, for at least a moment, to reflect back to when you were a child.  Remember how excited you were when it snowed?  To look out the window at night and see the snow falling gently and slowly transforming the brown, lifeless ground into a winter wonderland.  To get up in the morning and see a bright and glistening world just beckoning you to come out and play.  

if you were really lucky there was enough snow so that school was canceled which meant the entire day lay ahead for sledding, for snow ball fights, for building snow forts, for making snow angels, for building snowmen.  The activities and the fun were only limited by the imagination.  Then when you got so cold you couldn’t stand it anymore you would come in for hot chocolate, hot soup and grilled cheese sandwiches.  Then once warmed up, head back out again.

Many people hate shoveling the driveway.  To be honest, I do not mind (OK, to an extent I do not mind, there can be too much of a good thing).  These days I do not have the time or the energy to play in the snow, so I as I shovel the drive I look at the beauty of the snow and remember when snow, instead of something that was dreaded, was something that was looked forward to with much anticipation.

Friday Funny November 8, 2019 Doctor One-Liners

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Happy Friday! As the days get shorter and colder cold and flu season starts to creep in.  If laughter is the best medicine, then here is a little dose of prevention.

Enjoy!

I went to see my doctor.  The doctor said, “I’ve not seen you for a while.” I replied, “Well, recently I have been ill.”

I told my doctor that I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.  He told me that I should take the candles off first.

My doctor told me that I needed to stop using a Q-tip; however, his advice just went in one ear and out the other.

My Doctor said I needed a knee replacement\.  I asked if I could have a second opinion. She said, “Sure, you’re ugly too.”

My therapist told me I have problems letting go of the past. She told me that three years ago.

I can accept that I have an inferiority complex I just wish that I had a better one.

My doctor told me that I have the body of a twenty-year-old, then he suggested that I return it before I get it completely stretched out of shape.

I was thinking about having some plastic surgery until I noticed the doctor’s office was decorated with lithographs of paintings by Picasso.

I have found that an apple a day really does keep the doctor away, if your aim is good.

I went to the doctor and told him that I had swallowed a spoon.  She said, “sit down and don’t stir.”

I went to the doctor and told him I felt run down. He asked me why, so I showed him the tire marks on my legs.

I told the doctor that my hair has been falling out and asked him if he had anything to keep it in.  He gave me a paper bag.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

The art of medicine consists in amusing the patient while nature cures the disease. ~Voltaire

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Elementary School Milkmen of the Week

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I have mostly fond memories of elementary school (the biggest exception being the seventh and eight grade years that were addressed in an earlier post).  I attended the same school, Shiloh Elementary School in Dayton, Ohio from kindergarten through eighth grade.  Regardless of the weather, I did indeed have to walk to school everyday.  I did live directly behind the school but still I did have to walk.

Shiloh did not have a cafeteria.  In the last few years I attended they would roll out lunch tables into the gymnasium and bring in some food that was prepared elsewhere, but for most of the years I was there most of the children would bring a sack lunch with them.  Most days I would have to trek all the way back home, across the street, for my lunch.

However, there was one aspect of this setup that was pretty exciting.  Each week there were two kids from each class that were appointed to serve as milkmen and next to being appointed as captain of the kickball team, this was one of the most anticipated opportunities of the school year.  The job of the milkman was to 1) collect money from everyone who wanted a drink with his or her lunch which was everyone who had brought his or her lunch that day; 2) keep track of how many of each item was needed; 3) the best part – leave class several minutes before lunch to go down to the vending machines and put the nickles and dimes into the machines to obtain the drinks and 4) return to the class with the right drinks to be consumed with lunch.

If I recall correctly a carton of regular or chocolate milk was a nickel.  But milk was not the only option, for a dime you had your choice of 7-up, Orange Crush or Frostie Root Beer.  I guess we did not worry about too much sugar in those days.  Maybe the sugar helped us stay awake through the afternoon.  

Being Milkman for a week may not seem like a big deal, but for a six, seven or eight year-old it was a big deal.  For a week you were important to everyone in your class.  Plus it taught some real-life skills.  You had to be able to do simple math – you had to tally how many of each item to purchase, you had to be able to make change (apparently a completely lost art these days).  you had to be able to keep accurate and legible records (a couple of more lost arts).  You had to demonstrate common courtesy and basic customer service (more lost traits).  You had to be a good steward because your classmates had turned over their money and trusted that you would bring them the correct beverage in return. You had to communicate with everyone in the class regardless of whether or not you liked them or thought they had cooties. 

You know, now that I think about it that week may have been one of the more educational weeks of the school year.  It might be a good idea to consider bringing back the milkman of the week but we probably should leave out the soda pop options.

Friday Funny November 1, 2019 More Lessons From Horror Movies

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Happy Friday!  Happy November!  Hopefully you have not already eaten all of your leftover Halloween candy yet – pace yourself and spread it out for a few weeks.  Besides Trick-or-Treat this is the time of year that a lot of horror movies are being played on TV and streaming services.  These movies besides offering entertainment also offer some valuable life lessons and this week I would like to share a few of them with you.

Enjoy!

* Avoid exploring abandoned places.  While getting off the beaten path may sound appealing, it is just not worth the risk.  Go where there are people, lots and lots of people.

* Do not stop, even for a moment if you are somewhere so remote that that there is no cellphone coverage.  Keep moving until you have at least two bars.

* Just avoid camping, it is not safe.  Even if nothing evil happens, a nice hotel is a lot more comfortable.

* Do not trust anyone that you meet on an isolated road no matter how nice they seem or how dire his (they tend to always be male) circumstances are.  Do not believe his story, just keep going. 

* Do not trust anyone you meet in a small, quaint town that you never knew existed.  They always SEEM nice at first – just keep moving.

* If that dream house in a relaxing setting appears too good to be true there is a reason.  The real estate agent will not tell you about the ax murderer who lived there or about the walls that bleed at night.

* Keep an open mind.  If strange things are happening and someone suggests a really weird, out-of-left field kind of theory, don’t just dismiss it.  The wilder it is, the more likely it is to be correct.

* Exit through the front door as quickly as possible.  Never, under any circumstances, run up the stairs if you are being chased.

* Beware of mirrors.  They may seem harmless but they often are the first place where strange, evil beings appear.  Do not ask questions to mirrors.  Do not repeat names while staring into a mirror.

* If you find a nice, impressive, shiny object just left at the side  of the road, assume that it is either possessed or a source of great evil.

Thought for the Week

“We all go a little mad sometimes.” ~ Norman Bates in Psycho

Kindergarten Halloween

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Halloween is almost upon us.  One of my earliest, distinct memories of Halloween is from kindergarten.  I do not recall a lot of specifics of what I learned in kindergarten.  It seems there was a wooden shoe that we used to learn how to tie shoelaces.  I remember a large circle with pictures on the floor that told us where to sit.  I do not recall a lot of specifics.  Mrs. Wilson, who taught at my school for decades was a nice lady.  Based on how many of those that began their formal education under her tutelage  turned out, she must have been an excellent kindergarten teacher.

But I do remember Halloween.  I guess that would have been about eight weeks into the school year.  I was looking forward to the day because we were told that we could wear our costumes to school.  My costume was one of those cheap ones that came in a box and consisted of a thin plastic mask with a little elastic band that never made it through Trick or Tread and a one piece garment made of very thin material that you wore over your clothes.  You would put in your arms and legs and then tie it in the back like a hospital gown.  My costume was a devil – no idea if I picked that one out or if my Mother may have chosen it for absolutely no particular reason at all.  Imagine if a five year-old showed up at school in a devil costume today: the school would be put on lock down, the parents would be arrested and the kid would be suspended,  But this was a different day and  I was excited.  I was so excited I could not wait (remember when you were young and an hour seemed to last for a week and now a month seems like a day?)  Anyway.  I was so excited to go; however, I was in afternoon class, so I had to wait all the way until after lunch and recess.  I think I even went a little early while the kids were out at recess because I really was excited. So there I was all dressed up and ready to share Halloween with all my long-term friends who I had known for an entire two months.  Then my  bubble burst.  Not all the kids wore costumes to school, only the kindergartners did.  So while I was waiting for recess to end so that I could go into my class I was informed by an older and more worldly-wise child, probably a second grader, that she was too old to wear a costume to school and that kindergarten babies were made of gravy. While I have always had a taste for gravy, especially over mashed potatoes, I perceived that this was not intended as a compliment.  The result was that my feelings were hurt and I was and most likely scarred me for life, given that this is one of my clear memories of this entire year of my life.  I think I started to cry and when Mrs. Wilson came to the door to let us in for the afternoon session, she took me in before the other kids so I could get my act together and appear more stoic to all the other costume clad kindergartners.  The rest of the day continued without further incident and also with nothing else memorable.

There is no great moral to this story.  But be advised to pick out your costumes carefully and do not get too excited.  This Halloween will come and go just like all the others so have fun no matter your age..

Friday Funny October 25, 2019 Happy Halloween Jokes

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Happy Friday!  Halloween is just a week away, that means it is time to dig deep into my bag of tricks and treat you to some Halloween jokes!

Enjoy!

I went to an Italian restaurant on Halloween, the special was fettuccine afraid-o a)

I went to Starbucks on Halloween, the barista was a ghost who asked me if I wanted my coffee with scream and sugar.

Is it true that to keep their hair in place witches use scare-spray?

Is it true that the skeleton did not cross the road because he didn’t have the guts?

Is it true that a ghost’s favorite place to go for vacation is Mali-boo?

Is it true that ghosts like to ride elevators because it raises their spirits?

I went Trick-or-Treating at my eye doctor’s house.  He was giving out candy corneas.

Is the scariest plant on Halloween Bam-BOO?

Is the scariest animal on Halloween Cari-BOO?

Did you hear about the ghoul wo had a job cleaning houses?  He was known as the  “grim sweeper.”

Did you hear about the vampire who opened a kitchen goods store?  It is called Count Spatula.

Do skeletons make good comedians because they have funny bones?

Would you fix a broken jack-o-lantern with a pumpkin patch?

Did you hear about the ghost that stopped by the florist shop to pick up a boo-quet for his ghoulfriend?

Thought for the Week

“I could never get my parents to buy a pumpkin for Halloween.   They just made me stand in the window.  It really wasn’t too bad until the candle started to burn the roof of my mouth.” ~ Anonymous