Happy Friday! Time for some Dad jokes to kick off the weekend.
Enjoy!
Did you hear about the farmer that deiced to try a career in music after a disastrous harvest because he had a ton of sick beets?
I think of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.
I recently stated at a hotel that charged me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool.
It is fairly easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents.
I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today, it was clogged.
I tried to start up a dating service for chickens, but I was struggled to make hens meet.
I read about a ship that was carrying red paint and a ship that was carrying blue paint that collided in the middle of the ocean. Seems, both crews were marooned.
Would you call a wizard who was bad at football, Fumbledore?
I once built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked me if it was to scale. “No,” I said. “It’s to look at.”
Now, I understand why the Hulk doesn’t lose his pants when he transforms, all that radiation altered his jeans.
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
“Sometimes I lie awake at night, and ask, ‘Where have I gone wrong?’ Then a voice says to me, ‘This is going to take more than one night.’” ~ Charles M. Schulz
Happy Friday! Happy February!! It seems like January lasted a lot longer than one month! After this last week, seemed like a good time to thaw out a “classic” Friday Funny. Stay warm and stay safe this weekend. It is cold, there is a lot of snow on the ground, but it is almost time for spring training and spring will eventually come, you have my word.
Enjoy!
An ODE TO OLD MAN WINTER
(with an apology to William Shakespeare)
This hath surely been a winter of discontent,
Old Man Winter hath chilled us ‘till we have turned blue,
He hath sleeted on us time and time again,
He hath made us sore from fortnight after fortnight of shoveling,
He hath iced our walks ‘till we have fallen down yonder slippery slope,
And he has wronged us time and time again!
What’s in a name? That which we call winter by any other name would feel just as cold.
To thaw or not to thaw: that is the question:
Whether ‘tis Nobler in the mind and body to suffer
The wind chills and snow storms of an outrageous winter,
Or to take up plow and salt against this season of troubles?
Frost-bitten Friends, Raw Romans, chilled countrymen, lend me your ear muffs;
I come to bury Old Man Winter, not to praise him.
The wrath of winter often lingers on;
The good is oft forgotten;
So let it be with Old Man Winter.
The Nobel Weatherman hath told you Old Man Winter was historic:
If it were so, it was a grievous fault,
And grievously hath Old Man Winter answer’d it.
He was hardly my friend, not to me nor to any of you:
But yon Weatherman says he was historic;
And yon Weatherman is an honorable man.
Some winters are great, some winters achieve greatness, and some winters are just a royal pain.
One touch of Old Man Winter makes the whole world cold.
You all did welcome him once, but he wore out said welcome:
You all do know this mantle: I remember
The first time ever Old Man Winter put it on;
‘Twas on a late fall’s evening, in his tent,
That day he overcame the Winter Solstice:
Look, in this place ran El Nino’s dagger through:
See what a rent the envious Polar Vortex made:
Through this the much-anticipated Warm Front stabbed;
And as he plucked his cursed steel away,
Which all the while ran melting snow, great Old Man Winter fell.
O, what a fall was there, my countrymen!
Then I, and you, and all of us sunk down in the slush,
Here was a Winter! When comes such another?
Now let it work. Spring, thou art afoot,
Take thou what course thou wilt!
Thought for the Week
“If winter comes, can spring be far behind?” ~ Percy Bysshe Shelley
Happy Friday! You might get caught red-handed laughing at these jokes.
Enjoy!
I read a news story about a cybercriminal who got away. It said he ransomware.
I read a news story about a criminal who murders at railway stations. The police think they are on the right track.
I read a news story about a robber who stole a rare and valuable book about Stradivarius. Police are warning the public not to approach him, he has a history of violins.
I read a news story about a criminal who stole a valuable lamp, he got a very light sentence.
I read a news story about a man who has been breaking into farms and stealing cows. Apparently, he is a male with a large moo-stash.
Local police have recently acquired 1,000 bees. They might be used as part of a sting operation.
If you put an organized criminal in hot water, would you have mobster bisque?
A truck load of Brillo pads was stolen last night. Police are currently scouring the area.
Someone broke into my office and stole all the coffee cups. This afternoon I am going to the police station to look at some mugshots.
A am trying to decide of I would rather become a novelist or a career criminal, I guess I am weighing the prose and cons.
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
“I think crime pays. The hours are good, you meet a lot of interesting people, you travel a lot.” ~ Woody Allen
Happy Friday! It is winter, the days are short and the nights are cold, bears hibernate and I tend to sleep more. Let’s have some sleep jokes.
Enjoy!
The other night I had a dream that I was a muffler, I woke up exhausted.
The other night I had a dream I was a battery; I woke up feeling recharged.
The other night I had a dream I was swimming in an ocean filled with orange soda, but it was just a Fanta Sea.
The other night, I had a dream about the Roman numerals 5, 4, 1, and 500. It was VIVID.
The other night I had a dream about a color I had never seen before, it turned out to be just a pigment of my imagination.
The other night I had a disturbingly long dream that I was making a salad, I was tossing all night.
The other night I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram, I was like 0mg.
For the last several weeks, I have had a dream that I am chandelier, turns out I am a light sleeper.
I recently started sleeping in a herb garden. Now. I wake up on thyme.
I have this condition where I tend to eat on nights that I have trouble sleeping, it is called insom-nom-nom-nom-nia.
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
“Day is over, night has come. Today is gone, what’s done is done. Embrace your dreams through the night. Tomorrow comes with a whole new light.” ~George Orwell
Happy Friday! I hope you have your shopping done and your decorations are up because Christmas is less than one week away! So, here are some more Christmas jokes to get you ready.
Enjoy!
Did you know that Captain Nemo never gets any presents from Santa because he is always on the Nautilus.
If someone is not sure about whether Santa exists or not would you call him an eggnogstic?
I read that Santa’s computer system has been hacked. I knew he should not have accepted all those cookies.
Be sure to read all the terms and conditions on the Christmas present you receive, they are, after all, the Santa clauses.
Did you hear about the rope that did not get any presents from Santa because he was on the Knotty List?
It has been such a good year at the North Pole that Santa bought new cars for all his elves, it is a whole fleet of Toy-otas.
I heard that Elton John wanted the lead role in the Santa Claus movies, but they turned him down for the part because he only has a tiny Dancer.
Did you know that the only letter to receive presents from Santa is the Letter E? All the all the other letters are not E.
Did you know that Santa is able to enter any home on Christmas Eve even without a search warrant because he has Probable Claus?
Do you know where does Santa goes to buy stuff for the naughty kids? Kohl’s.
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
“For it is good to be children sometimes, and never better than at Christmas, when its mighty Founder was a child Himself.” ~ Charles Dickens, “A Christmas Carol”
Happy Friday! It is beginning to look a lot like Christmas and it is less than two weeks away now! And to my Jewish Friends, Happy Hannukah that begins Sunday!
Enjoy!
Did you hear about the tree who went to the barber because he needed a trim?
Did you know that everyone at the North Pole is thirsty because there is no well?
Did you know that if you eat Christmas decorations you can get tinsel-itis?
Did you know that after Christmas, Santa stores his suit in a Claus-et?
I heard that a vegan’s favorite Christmas carol is “Soy to the World.”
I heard that the favorite game for reindeer to play at sleepovers is Truth or Deer.
I heard that good King Wenceslas likes his pizza deep pan, crisp and even.
Would you call a Santa Claus who declared bankruptcy Saint-nickel-less?
Would you call a Christmas Wreath made entirely of $100 bills a wreath-of-Franklins?
If Santa bought a motorbike, it would probably be a Holly Davidson.
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
“Maybe Christmas, he thought, doesn’t come from a store. What if Christmas…perhaps…means a little bit more!” ~ How the Grinch Stole Christmas
Leonard's Lines 