Friday Funny May 25, 2018 Jokes for the Road

Happy Friday!  This weekend brings us to Memorial Day and the unofficial start of summer.  Summer, for many, means vacation.  So, I dug up some interesting thoughts about vacations for you this week.  And remember, with jokes about vacations, it is not about the punch line, it is about the journey!

Enjoy! And take some time to reflect this Memorial Day weekend,

Did you hear about the bees who took their vacation in Stingapore?

Did you hear about the cow that spent her vacation staying in a moo-tel?

Did you hear about the sheep that spent their vacation in the Baaaaaahaaaamas?

Did you hear about the shark that traveled to Finland for vacation?

Did you hear about the piano teacher who went to the Florida Keys for vacation?

Did you hear about the zombie who took his vacation on the Dead Sea?

Did you hear about the geometry teacher who spent his vacation in Cuba?

Did you hear about the math teacher who spent her vacation in Times Square?

Did you hear about the goldfish who spent its vacation taking a trip around the globe?

Did you hear about the television set that went to a remote island for vacation?

Did you hear about the cat that went on vacation to the Island of Meowi?

Did you hear about the comedian who spent his vacation in Knock-Knocksville, TN?

Did the Pirate go on vacation to get some AARRRRGGH and AARRRRGGH?

Thought for the Week

“Let every nation know, whether it wishes us well or ill, that we shall pay any price, bear any burden, meet any hardship, support any friend, oppose any foe to assure the survival and the success of liberty.” ~ John F. Kennedy

 

 

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Friday Funny May 18, 2018 Biting Humor

Happy Friday! That means the weekend is at hand and it is time for a few chuckles to kick off your Friday.  This week, I have gone way back in time to pull out some Vampire jokes.  In my “research” I even pulled out this classic book that I invested $0.95 in back in 1974.  The fact that I purchased a book titled “Vampire Jokes and Cartoons” and that I have retained it in my possession all these years probably explains a lot…..

Enjoy!

Is a vampire’s favorite fruit a blood orange or a neck-tarine?

Is it true that a vampire cleans his house with a victim cleaner?

Is it true that while at work vampires get to take coffin breaks?

Is it true that a vampire’s greatest fear is tooth decay?

Is it true that a vampire’s favorite place to water ski is Lake Erie?

Is it true that a vampire’s favorite position in baseball is Bat-boy?

Is it true that a vampire’s favorite breed of dog is a blood hound?

Is it true that a vampire is most artistic when he draws blood?

Is it true that the vampire gave his girlfriend a blood test to find out if she was his type?

Is it true that when a vampire is driving, he tries to stay on the main arteries?

Is it true that the vampire attacked the CPA because he wanted accounting to be in his blood?

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“The future is called “perhaps,” which is the only possible thing to call the future. And the only important thing is not to allow that to scare you.” ~Tennessee Williams, Orpheus Descending

http://WWW.QUOTEGARDEN.COM

Friday Funny May 11, 2018 Things Famous Moms Might Have Said

Happy Friday!  This weekend brings us to Mother’s Day.  If you are fortunate enough to still have you Mom, take a few minutes to talk to her and thank her for all she has done for you.  If you no longer have her, take a few minutes to reflect on what she has meant to your life.  Let’s kick off the weekend by reflecting on a few things that some famous Moms might have said.

Enjoy! 

Alexander Graham Bell’s Mother: “Call me when you get there, just so I know you’re okay.”

Paul Revere’s Mother: “I don’t care where you think you have to go, young man. Midnight is past your curfew!”

Mona Lisa’s Mother: “After all that money your father and I spent on braces, is that the biggest smile you can give us?”

Humpty Dumpty’s Mother: “If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a hundred times not to sit on that wall. But would you listen to me?”

Columbus’ Mother: “I don’t care what you’ve discovered, Christopher. You still could have written!”

Babe Ruth’s Mother: “How many times have I told you — quit playing ball in the house! That’s the third broken window this week!”

Michelangelo’s Mother: “Can’t you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?”

Napoleon’s Mother: “If you aren’t hiding your report card inside your jacket, then take your hand out of there and prove it!”

Abraham Lincoln’s Mother: “Again with the stovepipe hat? Can’t you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?”

Batman’s Mother: “It’s a nice car, Bruce, but do you realize how much the insurance is going to be?”

Goldilocks’ Mother: “I’ve got a bill here for a busted chair from the Bear family. You know anything about this, Goldie?”

Little Miss Muffet’s Mother: “Well, all I’ve got to say is if you don’t get off your tuffet and start cleaning your room, there’ll be a lot more spiders around here!”

Albert Einstein’s Mother: “But it’s your senior picture. Can’t you do something about your hair?”

George Washington’s Mother: “The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!”

Jonah’s Mother: “That’s a nice story, but now tell me where you’ve really been for the last three days.”

Thomas Edison’s Mother: “Of course I’m proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn off that light and get to bed!”

“If at first you don’t succeed, try doing it the way your mom told you to do it from the start.” ~ unknown

Friday Funny May 4, 2017 Leaving Las Vegas

Happy Friday and Happy May!  This week took me to Las Vegas for some training.  So, naturally, I thought I would try my luck at a little Las Vegas themed humor.  I  hope I hit the jackpot with these.

Enjoy!

I once knew a man who went to Las Vegas in a $40,000 Cadillac and came home in a $250,000 Greyhound.

I saw a guy in Las Vegas win $1 million gambling. He said he was going to donate a quarter of it to charity. He said that would leave him with $999,999.75.

They say that in Las Vegas money talks, it appears most of the time it simply says good-bye.

Living in Las Vegas is expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the sun.

The only fortune I saw in Las Vegas was a fortune cookie.

The only place I found money in Las Vegas was in the dictionary.

I saw a dinosaur in the casino, he was trying to buy chips by writing Tyrannosaurus Checks.

I saw a sign in the casino that said “CASHIER.” I wonder what that is for?

Is it bad luck to be superstitious?

Negative numbers bring me bad luck. I will stop at nothing to avoid them.

If it weren’t for negative variance Id have no variance at all.

My ship finally came in but I was at the airport.

Thought for the Week

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five. ~ Steven Wright

Friday Funny April 27, 2018 Pirate Jokes

Happy Friday!  This evening I say a very nice production of Treasure Island, so of course I have to offer up a few pirate jokes this week,

Enjoy!

Q: Why don’t pirates shower before they walk the plank?   A: Because they’ll just wash up on shore later.

Q: How do pirates know that they are pirates?  A: They think, therefore they ARRRR!!!!!

Q: How did the pirate get his Jolly Roger so cheaply?  A: He bought it on sail.

Q: What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A: A nervous wreck.

Q: How do pirates communicate with each other?  A: With Aye-Phones of course.

Q: What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?  A: Aye Matey. 

Q: How do you save a drowning pirate?  A: With C P ARRRRRRRRR. 

Q: Why didn’t the 13-year-old go to the pirate movie?  A: Because it was rated arrrrr .

Q: What did the pirate say when his wooden leg got stuck in the freezer?  A: Shiver me timbers!

————————————————————————————————————————–

A pirate walks into a restaurant wearing a paper towel on his head.

The hostess greets him and asks, “Excuse me, but why are you wearing a paper towel?”
“Arrr…” says the pirate. “I’ve got a bounty on me head!”

————————————————————————————————————————

One Pirate turns to another and says “arrr!”
The other says “You know, I was just thinkin’ the same thing matey”

Thought for the Week

“There is more treasure in books than in all the pirate’s loot on Treasure Island.” ~ Walt Disney

 

Friday Funny April 20, 2018 Stop Me If You Have Heard These

Happy Friday!  I hope you have had a great week.  Do you ever have one of those weeks where you feel like you have been through all of this before?  Well if it has been a Deja vu week, then these should hit the spot…again.

Well if it has been a Deja vu week, then these should hit the spot…again.

Enjoy!

Deja flu:  That odd feeling that you are getting sick, again.

Deja boo: That scared feeling you get at the same point of a horror movie no matter how many times you have seen it before.

Deja clue: That odd feeling that Professor Plum has done it in the library with the candlestick before.

Deja do: That odd feeling that you have had this haircut before.

Deja eau: That odd feeling that you already bought this perfume for your wife.

Deja fu: That odd feeling that you have been kicked in the head like this before.

Deja who: That odd feeling that you have forgotten this person’s name before.

Deja coupe:  That odd feeling that you have driven this car before.

Deja moo: That odd feeling that you have heard this crap before.

Deja rue: That odd feeling you have regretted this before.

Deja stew: That odd feeling that the meat in this goulash was dinner several nights before.

Deja Que:  That odd feeling that you have stood in this line before.

Deja Blue:  That odd feeling that you have been down in the dumps like this before.

Deja few:  That odd feeling that you have not fit in with this crowd before.

Deja hue:  That odd feeling that you just painted a room the exact same color it was.

Deja pew:  That odd feeling you get when someone is sitting in “your spot” at church.

Deja whew:  That odd feeling you get when you realize you just skirted disaster again.

Thought for the Week

“This is like Deja vu all over again” ~ Yogi Berra

 

Friday Funny April 13, 2018 Timely Humor

Happy Friday the 13th!  Never fear, there will be no triskaidekaphobia here just a few quick jokes to help you pass the time this Friday.

Enjoy!

I realized that I cannot see an end. I have no control and I don’t think there’s an escape. Plus I don’t have a home anymore. It is definitely time to replace my keyboard.

When a was a kid I threw a boomerang away. I live in fear to this day.

Time is a great teacher but a lousy beautician.

Those who do not learn from the pasta are doomed to reheat it.

I once dated a girl who would hit me with stringed instruments. I wish I had known about her history of violins.

I feel more like I do now that I did a little while ago.

They say that all the dinosaurs were wiped out by an asteroid hitting the earth 66 million years ago. That is tragic, but you do wonder why they were all standing in the same place.

The other day I ran into an old friend. I noticed he had 8 watches on one wrist and 4 on the other. He said that lately he had a lot of time on his hands.

The other day I ran into an analytical young man who was not very successful in romantic relationships. He tried to get to the root cause, he made a graph of all his past relationships, it has an ex axis and a why axis.

The other day and I making my lunch and as I was putting mustard on my sandwich and I had that strange feeling I had already done that. I think it was Dijon-vu!

I have an 8:30 dinner reservation tonight. That’s like midnight in middle-age time.

The next time the devil reminds you of your past, remind him of his future.

I was going to add a few jokes some about watches and clocks, but I ran out of time.

Thought for the Week

The time is always right to do what is right. ~ Martin Luther King, Jr.