Friday Funny October 15,2021 Dog Jokes

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Happy Friday! I hope you have had a good week. Let’s kick off the weekend with some jokes about man’s best friend.

Enjoy!

Would you call a dog that has been left outside in the cold a chili-dog?

Would you call a dog that likes taking a bath every day a shampoo-dle?

Would you call a dog that meditates an aware wolf?

Is it true that dogs run in circles because it is easier than running in squares?

If you crossed a sheepdog with a rose would you get a collie-flower?

Is it true that dogs like smartphones because they have collar IDs?

Are dogs’ barks loud because they have built-in sub-woofers?

If you crossed a frog with a dog would you get a croaker spaniel?

If you connect a Corgi to a battery would you get a short circuit?

If you cross a dog and a calculator would you get a friend you could count on?

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“I love a dog, he does nothing for political reasons.” ~Will Rogers

Friday Funny October 1, 2021 Quick Friday Thoughts

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Happy Friday and welcome to October! Here are a few quick thoughts for you to ponder this Friday.

Enjoy!

I recently went to a pet shop and I asked the clerk if I could buy a goldfish. The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?” I said, “I could care less about its zodiac sign.”

Two gold fish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says, “Do you know how to drive this thing?!”

Two soldiers are in a tank. One looks at the other and says, “BLUB…BLUB…BLUB…BLUB…BLUB.”

I recently took a picture of a field of wheat. It was grainy.

If you had some friends who love math, would you call them Algebros?

I heard that the reason that penguins do not fly is because they are not tall enough to be pilots.

Would a backward poet write inverse?

I friend was telling me that he dreams in color, but I think it is a pigment of his imagination.

Do microwaves washup on tiny beaches?

If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“May your passion be the kernel of corn stuck between your molars, always reminding you there’s something to tend to.” ~Jeb Dickerson

WWW.QUOTEGARDEN.COM

Friday Funny September 24, 2021 The BMV Can Drive You Crazy.

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Happy Friday! I recently had to make the oft dreaded trip to the Bureau of Motor Vehicles to renew my driver’s license and upgrade to the new and improved one that is TSA compliant. So, let’s have a laugh or two on behalf of the good folks at the BMV.

Enjoy!

Is it true that mathematicians go to the BMV to get a deriver’s license?

While I was in line at the BMV I asked other folks in line to guess my weight just so I could get an idea about what I could get away with putting on my license.

I heard you should be careful not to get stuck behind the Devil in a line at the BMV, it seems the Devil can take many forms.

Someone once left a positive review at the BMV.  The manager saw it and immediately fired everyone

My computer is getting old and it’s RAM isn’t that great but it still has faster processing than the BMV.

When I went to renew my driver’s license, the clerk asked me if I wanted to be an organ or tissue donor.  I told her that we got rid of the Wurlitzer years ago, but I think there is an extra box of Kleenex in my car I could go get.

I was just wondering – if you buy an electric car do they check to see if you have a current driver’s license?

I was recently complimented on my driving skills.  Someone left a note on my car that said “Parking Fine.”  I thought that was nice.

I remember back when I took my driving test, I got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped away before I got to them.

I read a story the other day about a couple of Amish engineers who created the hardware and software for a small self-driving horseless carriage.  I hear it’s a little buggy.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“I would seriously rather be in a long line at the DMV than eat with people I don’t know.” ~ Anne Lamott

Friday Funny September 17, 2021 More Things to Ponder

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Happy Friday! Sometimes my mind wanders and when it wonders it can end up in some strange places. As Brain would ask Pinky in the cartoon, “Are you pondering what I am pondering?”

Enjoy!

Have you ever pondered why feet smell and noses run?

IF “Con” is the Opposite of “Pro”, then what is the opposite of PROGRESS?

Does it make sense that we put suits in a Garment Bag while we put Garments in a Suitcase?

If a mime is arrested by police do they need to tell him that he has the right to remain silent?

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

If you drove your car at the speed of light, and you turned your headlights on, would they work?

Have you ever pondered the difference between normal tomato ketchup  and fancy tomato ketchup?

Have you ever pondered whether or not crop circles could be square?

Have you ever pondered that when we “skate on thin ice”, we can “get in hot water”?

Have you ever pondered exactly how fast do hotcakes sell?

Does it make sense that we sing “Rock a bye baby” to lull a baby to sleep when the song is about putting a baby in a tree and letting the wind crash the cradle to the ground?

If the lights go out – where do they go?

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“The more chance there is of stubbing your toe, the more chance you have of stepping into success.” ~Author unknown

WWW.QUOTEGARDEN.COIM

Friday Funny September 10, 2021 Kicking Off Another Football Season

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Happy Friday! There is just a touch of fall in the air and another NFL season kicks off this weekend. While many are excited for a new season, I am starting my second decade of not caring about the NFL. Mike Brown cured me during the 2010 season and I have discovered there are many other ways to spend Sunday afternoons. Allow me to kick the weekend off with a few football jokes.

Enjoy!

I understand that Tom Brady can be very polarizing sports figure. On one hand, he has five super bowl rings; butt on the other hand, he only has two.

If you crossed a football player and the Invisible Man would you get football like no one has ever seen?

I heard that Scrooge ended up with the football after the ghost of Christmas passed.

What did the football player say to the flight attendant?  “Put me in coach!”

Scrambled eggs are a lot like the Cincinnati Bengals, they’ve both been beaten.

Would you call 20 Bengals fans in the basement a whine cellar?

Is it true that the Bengals had to shut down their team website because they could not string three “W’s” together.

The Bengals have something in common with a Chick-Fil-A, neither one shows up for work on Sunday.

The Bengals have something in common with my mailman, neither deliver on Sundays.

I wanted to teach my dog to roll over and play dead so I had him watch a couple of Bengals games.

I saw there is a recall on all infant clothing with a Bengals logo on it, seems it is a a choking hazard.

Is it true the Bengals count to ten this way? 0-1, 0-2, 0-3, 0-4, 0-5, 0-6, 0-7, 0-8, 0-9, 0-10.

This week I really wanted to make some edgy football jokes on my blog – it was my goal post.

THOUGHT THE THE WEEK

“When you win, say nothing. When you lose, say less.” ~ Paul Brown

Friday Funny September 3, 2021 Hard Working Jokes for Labor Day

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Happy Friday! We have come to the unofficial end of summer with the arrival of Labor Day Weekend. Let’s celebrate with some hard-working jokes.

Enjoy!

I wanted to be a Gregorian monk, but somehow, I never got the chants.

I wanted to be a competitive eater; unfortunately, I just never had the stomach for it.

I wanted to be a computer programmer, but I just couldn’t hack it.

I wanted be an engineer, but I burned too many bridges.

I wanted to be a telemarketer, but it just wasn’t my calling.

For a while I had a job as a waiter. I did not really like it but at least I was putting food on the table.

For a while I had a job as a door-to-door bicycle salesman, I was a peddler.

For a while I had a job as a hot dog vendor, I didn’t relish it. 

I once had a jab as an upholsterer, I never recovered.

I once had a job as a masseur, but I rubbed people the wrong way.

I once had a job as a Velcro salesman, but I just couldn’t stick with it.

I wanted to be a stand-up comedian, but I was worried that people would laugh at me.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream.” ~ C.S. Lewis

Friday Funny August 27, 2021 How Hot Is it?

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Happy Friday! Although the calendar says that the end of summer is approaching, it appears that summer does not want to go anywhere, in fact it has been downright hot lately! How hot has has it been? Glad you asked!

Enjoy!

It is so hot that I saw Bengals fans taking the bags off their heads.

It is so hot that my firecrackers are lighting themselves.

It is so hot that Skyline cannot make chili dogs.

It is so hot that my shirts iron themselves.

It is so hot that I saw a chicken lay an omelet.

It is so hot that my delivery pizza was still warm when it arrived at my door.

It is so hot that my dream house is an igloo.

It is so hot they are going to install a fan in the debt ceiling.

It is so hot that Alexa asked to be dipped in a glass of ice water.

It is so hot that all the water buffalo at the zoo evaporated.

It is so hot that I Tabasco sauce tastes mild.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Considering the way the world is, one happy day is almost a miracle.” ~Paulo Coelho

WWW.QUOTEGARDEN.COM

Friday Funny August 20, 2021 Back To School

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Happy Friday! It does not seem possible, but we are at the end of the summer school break and many schools are already back in session. So to kick off the new school year, here are some back to school jokes.

Enjoy!

Is it true that the freshman ate his homework because his teacher said it was a piece of cake?

I heard that the geometry book was sad because it had too many problems.

Did you hear about the young man who had a report card that was wet because it was below C level?

Would you call the leader of an AP biology gang the Nucleus?

Is it true that the moebius strip could not enroll in school because it required an orientation?

Would you call high school kids who have not been able to go to school because of Covid-19 Quaranteens?

I remember getting a B- for my high school sewing project. The teacher’s only comment was “seams reasonable.”

In high school I was voted Most Likely to Lie About Past Accomplishments.  It’s true.

In high school I was also voted “Most Secretive”.  I can’t tell you how much that meant to me.

I heard about a local high school band called 1023 Megabytes, they never made it to a gig.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

Nothing is as stupid as an educated man if you get him off the thing he was educated on. ~Will Rogers http://www.quotegarden.com

Friday Funny August 13, 2021 Finely Tuned Mechanic Jokes

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Happy Friday! Here is wishing you an uneventful Friday the 13th! Last week we got away for a little vacation. We left in a sedan and returned in a Chevy Tahoe! Saturday morning as we were heading north from Knoxville on our way home, our car suddenly lost most of its power and the little engine line started flashing. We pulled off and discovered we were only a couple of miles from Rusty Wallace Kia. It was Saturday morning and the Service Department was open. After some diagnostics we were told the problem was that the engine was failing and we needed a new engine! Not what you really want to hear on the way home from vacation, but the folks at the dealership were very nice and got us back on the road before lunch. Not happy that there was a problem, but Kia is covering the cost of the repair and the rental. So in honor of the latest chapter of my vacation mis-adventures, here are some mechanic jokes for you.

Enjoy!

I wanted to be a mechanic when I was younger but I lacked fine motor skills.

When I went to the garage the other day, the mechanic was having snacks and coffee, I think he was on his brake.

 Is it true that auto mechanics like their toast with traffic jam?

The other day I saw car that had no tires – it was totally unwheel.

I took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise, he removed the Justin Bieber CD, and now it’s fine.

The other night I had a dream that I was a mechanic who fixed wrecked cars, I think it was an auto body experience.

I think the mechanic in my local garage has amnesia.  I took my car for an oli change and he asked me what year it was.

I like the uniform mechanics wear…overall.

I had a mechanic friend who developed an addition to brake fluid; he told me not to worry, he could stop anytime he wanted to.

Last week I was driving home and I saw my mechanic on the side of the road, crying loudly. I am not sure what happened, but it was clear he had a breakdown.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“When your dreams turn to dust, vacuum.” ~Author unknown

Friday Funny July 30, 2021 Jokes You Should Have Seen Coming

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Happy Friday! We come to the end of July and there is still a lot of uncertainly as to where things are headed in 2021. Sometimes one might think it would be useful to see into the future. I am not so sure that would be helpful, but I do see some jokes about fortune telling in your future.

Enjoy!

I friend told me that he had call a psychic due to strange sightings of a chicken’s spirit haunting his home.  It turned out it was a  poultrygeist.

A psychic walks into a bar, but he should have seen it coming, right?

Would you call a psychic who is bad at predicting the future a non-prophet?

Did the psychic chicken cross the road to get in touch with the other side?

Would you call a psychic kitchen remodeler Counter Intuitive?

I had a psychic claim that she could tell what’s inside a wrapped birthday present. – She said it was a gift.

I heard about a psychic hermit crab, he makes shell-fulfilling prophecies.

Would you call an albino clairvoyant master hypnotist from Las Angeles a Super Pallid Cali Mystic Expert At Hypnosis?

I knew someone who started her career as a psychic but gave it up because she did not see any future in it.

Would you call an obese psychic a four chin teller?

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“I’m a psychic amnesiac, I know in advance what I’ll forget.” ~ Steven Wright