Happy Friday! Every once in a while, it is good to pause, take a deep breath and ponder some deep thoughts.
Enjoy!
To me, it’s always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, “Hey, can you give me a hand?,” you can say, “Sorry, got these sacks.”
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
Either you like bacon or you are wrong.
I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile, then walk into a pole.
If I don’t love something, is it still OK to set it free?
Just because I wear a sandwich board doesn’t make me some kind of hero.
For me, failure is not an option. It comes standard with everything I do.
I put out some Rat-B-Gon, but it doesn’t work. Not only isn’t the rat gone, it hasn’t even moved for the last two days.
I have CDO. It’s like Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, only in alphabetical order like it should be.
Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
There are two kinds of people: those that can count and those that can’t.
Remember Clones are people two.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, “Quit while you’re ahead?”
If it’s true that we are here to help ‘others’—then what exactly are the ‘others’ here for?
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
If a cow laughs hard enough, would milk come out her nose?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
So what’s the speed of dark?
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?
A day without sunshine is like – Night.
On the other hand – you have different fingers
97.2 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Remember, half the people you know are below average.
The early bird may get the worm – but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened?
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
Don’t miss the donut by looking through the hole. ~Author Unknown
Happy Friday! Happy 4th of July! I hope you take at least a few minutes this weekend to reflect on what the last 250 years has meant.
Enjoy!
I was checking the price of fireworks today, they have skyrocketed.
When George Washington gave his cattle feed was it the fodder of our country?
If a sheep fell down a hill while watching fireworks, would it be called a lambslide?
Is the best way to put a baby firework to sleep to rocket?
Is it true that if you crossed a patriot with a small curly-haired dog you would get a Yankee Poodle?
Is it true that the biggest prankster in George Washington’s army was Laugh-ayette?
Did you know that all the colonists wore Tea-shirts to the Boston Tea Party?
Did you hear about the firecracker that went to the hair salon to get bangs trimmed?
Did you know that during the Revolutionary War that the patriots’ favorite food was Chicken Catch-a-Tory?
It seems like there are not many things built in the USA anymore, I just purchased a new TV, the box stated “Built in Antennae” and I do not have any idea where that is!
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
“May we think of freedom, not as the right to do as we please, but as the opportunity to do what is right.” ~ Peter Marshall
Happy Friday! It seems like the only thing on television this time of year is re-runs. So, I thought it was a good time to dust off this funny about what the outcome might be if Shakespeare had a smart phone and was texting.
Enjoy!
A orse, a orse! My kngdm 4 a orse!
2B or nt 2 B, dats Q
dis abov ll: 2 thine own self B tru
F?, Romans, countrymen, lend me yr ears; I cum 2 bury Caesar, nt 2 kudos him
What’s ina nme? dat wich we cll @>–>– By Ny oder nme w%d smel as swEt.
d ldy doth protest 2 mch, methinks
ll d world’s a stage, n ll d men n women merely playAs; they’ve their exits n theirentrances, n 1man n hs tym plays mnE parts
der r mor fings n heaven n erth, Horatio, thN r dremt of n yr ethos
gud nyt, gud partin S such swEt sorrw
Now S d wintr of r discontent
somit S rotten n d st8 of Denmark.
ll dat glisters aint Au
w@ lyt thru yonDr windO breaks
w@ fools deez mortals B!
dis wz d most unkindest cut of ll
2 zzz, perchance 2 dream- ay, there’s d rub
w’r such stuf As drms r md on; n r lil lyf S rounded W a zzz.
lov l%ks nt W d Iyz bt W d mind
Cowards di mnE tyms b4 their deaths, d valiant nvr taste of deth bt 1s
Im constant as d northin (*)
Translated into Plain English
A horse, a horse! My kingdom for a horse! – Richard The Third
To be or not to be, that is question – Hamlet
This above all: to thine own self be true – Hamlet
Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears; I come to bury Caesar, not to praise him. – Julius Caesar
What’s in a name? That which we call a rose By any other name would smell as sweet. – Romeo and Juliet
The lady doth protest too much, methinks.- Hamlet
All the world’s a stage, And all the men and women merely players; They have their exits and their entrances, And one man in his time plays many parts, – As You Like It
There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, Than are dreamt of in your philosophy. Hamlet Good night, good night! Parting is such sweet sorrow- Romeo And Juliet
Now is the winter of our discontent – Richard The Third
Something is rotten in the state of Denmark – Hamlet
All that glitters is not gold – The Merchant of Venice
What light through yonder window breaks – Romeo And Juliet
What fools these mortals be! – A Midsummer Nights Dream
This was the most unkindest cut of all – Julius Caesar
To sleep, perchance to dream-ay, there’s the rub. – Hamlet
We are such stuff As dreams are made on; and our little life Is rounded with a sleep. – The Tempest
Love looks not with the eyes but with the mind. – A Midsummer Night’s Dream
Cowards die many times before their deaths, The valiant never taste of death but once. – Julius Caesar
I am constant as the northern star – Julius Caesar
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
“A fool thinks himself to be wise, but a wise man knows himself to be a fool.” — As You Like It
Happy Friday! We have reached Memorial Day Weekend and the unofficial start of summer. Amid the barbecues and picnics and pool parties this weekend, be sure to take time to reflect on the meaning of Memorial Day and the cost that many have paid so that we can have our freedom.
With summer upon us, let’s kick off the weekend with some summer jokes.
Enjoy!
Did you know that seashells stay clean by washing up on the beach?
Did you know that summer camp is hard for some people because it tends to be in tents?
Did you hear about watchmaker who went on vacation to unwind?
Did you hear about the professor who carefully waded into the pool because she wanted to test the water?
Did you know that ghosts go to the beach because they love to boo-gie board?
If you throw all your books into the ocean, would you get a title wave?
If cows stay out and get too much sun, would they give evaporated milk?
Would you call a crustacean that just lies on the beach all day a slobster?
I read about a sandwich maker who went to a summer camp to learn about condiments, it was a Mayo Clinic.
I read about a hipster who wore flannel in the summer because he wanted to wear it before it was cool.
I applied for a job at a sunscreen company. They rejected me, but I think I will reapply.
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
“A nation which forgets its defenders will itself be forgotten.” ~ Woodrow Wilson
Happy Friday! We are all dealing with higher gas prices these days, so we might as well get a laugh out of it.
Enjoy!
To fuel or not to fuel, that is the question.
Did you hear about the art thief whose van run out of gas when he tried to drive away from the museum? It seems he had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.
These gas prices have me feeling sick. I think I might have a case of the car-owner-virus
It is not often that I brag about going to expensive places, but I just left the gas station.
Today I needed to pick up paper, pens, and envelopes from the store, but since the price of gas is so high, I rode my stationery bike.
I went into a Speedway gas station this morning and asked for $3 worth of gas. The clerk handed me a bean burrito.
Apparently, I have been banned from the gas station for playing ‘The Who’ too loudly on my car stereo. It seems I won’t get fueled again.
I thought I was saving money by purchasing my gas at a self-service station. It turns out, I was only fueling myself.
While I was at the gas station, I thought about buying a salad. There were two choices: regular or unlettuced.
I thought about posting every gas pun I could find but I decided that would be very fuelish. Tank goodness I didn’t post them all.
Last week I came up with a joke about inflation. It’s not as funny today
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
“Our culture runs on coffee and gasoline, the first often tasting like the second.” ~ Edward Abbey
Leonard's Lines 