Friday Funny August 16, 2019 Jokes to Float Your Boat

Happy Friday!  We are coming into the home stretch of summer and that means many are using vacation time.  I hear a cruise is a nice vacation, so here are a few jokes to buoy your spirits.

Enjoy!

Do you have time for a joke about the world’s fastest cruise ship?  Don’t worry, it’s a quick one liner.

Is a zombie’s favorite activity on a cruise ship shuffleboard?

I hear the latest trend on cruise ships is to install trampolines in all the staterooms- apparently everyone is jumping on board.

You should you never start a conversation by talking about the Titanic.  It is a terrible ice breaker.

A passenger on a cruise ship calls the Purser’s desk and asks how he can get out of his cabin.
The Purser tells him to just open the door and walk out. The passengers replies that his cabin only has two doors. One door leads to the bathroom and the other has a “Do Not Disturb” sign on it.

A man is standing on a cruise ship deck, idly watching the water. On a nearby island, he spots somebody. He strains his eyes to see, and can make out that it is a very thin, dirty looking man with long, wild hair. He watches him jump up and down, wave, run along the beach and can even faintly make out that he man is yelling at the top of his lungs.

Intrigued, the Tourist turns to the Captain, who is standing nearby:

“So, what is up with that guy?”

The Captain shrugs. “I do not know, but he always seems pretty excited when we sail by.”

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same routine over and over again.However, the Captain had a parrot that saw the show every week and began to understand what the magician did in each and every trick. After a while, he started shouting in the middle of the show: 

“Squawk! Not the same hat!” 

“Squawk! Flowers under the table!” 

“Squawk! All cards Ace of Spades ?” 

The magician was furious but couldn’t do anything; it was the captain’s parrot, after all. 

One day the ship had an accident and sunk. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean, and of course the parrot was by his side. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for several days. 

After a week the parrot finally said: “Okay, I give up. What’d did you do with the ship??”

Thought for the Week

A vacation is what you take when you can no longer take what you’ve been taking. ~Earl Wilson

http://www.quotegarden.com

 

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Friday Funny August 9, 2019 Memorable Commercial Slogans

Happy Friday!  This week I want to test your memory just a little bit.  See if you can recall the product that goes along with these classic commercial slogans.  Answers are at the bottom.

Enjoy! 

1.  A LITTLE DAB’LL DO YA  

2.  BE ALL YOU CAN BE

3.  BETCHA CAN’T EAT JUST ONE

4.  CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?

5.  DOES SHE…OR DOESN’T SHE?

6.  DON’T LEAVE HOME WITHOUT IT

7.  DOUBLE YOUR PLEASURE, DOUBLE YOUR FUN

8.  HAVE IT YOUR WAY

9.  GOOD TO THE LAST DROP

10.  I CAN’T BELIEVE I ATE THE WHOLE THING

11.  I LIKED IT SO MUCH, I BOUGHT THE COMPANY

12.  IT TAKES A LICKING AND KEEPS ON TICKING

13.  IT TAKES A TOUGH MAN TO MAKE A TENDER CHICKEN  

14.  IT’S THE REAL THING

15.  LET YOUR FINGERS DO THE WALKING

16.  LOOK MA, NO CAVITIES!

17.   PLOP, PLOP, FIZZ, FIZZ, OH WHAT A RELIEF IT IS

18.  PUT A TIGER IN YOUR TANK

19.  WE TRY HARDER

20.  WHEN YOU CARE ENOUGH TO SEND THE VERY BEST

21.  WHERE’S THE BEEF?

22.  TIME TO MAKE THE DOUGHNUTS

23.  STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN

24.  EVER EAT A PINE TREE?

25.  THEY’RE GR-R-R-R-EAT!

 

 

1.    Brylcreem

2.    The US Army

3.    Lays

4.     Verizon

5.    Clairol

6.     American Express

7.    Wrigley’s Doublemint

8.    Burger King

9.   Maxwell House

10.  Alka Seltzer

11.   Remington

12.  Timex

13.   Perdue

14.  Coca Cola

15.  Yellow Pages

16. Crest Toothpaste

17. Alka Seltzer

18. Esso/Exxon

19. Avis

20. Hallmark

21. Wendy’s

22. Dunkin’ Doughnuts

23. Secret

24. Post Grape Nuts

25. Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

The trouble with us in America isn’t that the poetry of life has turned to prose, but that it has turned to advertising copy. ~Louis Kronenberger

http://WWW.QUOTEGARDEN.COM

Friday Funny August 2, 2019 Joke Potpourri

Happy Friday! Happy August!  Before summer completely slips away pause and enjoy a few jokes chosen especially for you.

Enjoy!!  

A woman had identical twins.  One of them was named ‘Amal’ and the other  was named ‘Juan.’  The father was excited and proud of both his sons; however, he only carried a picture of Juan with him to show to friends and family. One day a close friend mentioned that he would like to see a picture of Amal. The man responded, “they are identical twins. If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”

I went into a pet shop and asked for twelve bees. The shopkeeper counted out thirteen and handed them over.  “You’ve given me one too many,” I said.  He replied, “Well, that one is a freebie.”

I went to the library the other day and asked if they had any books about paranoia. The librarian glanced around and whispered “They’re right behind you.”

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick instead. She still isn’t talking to me.

I got my wife a new refrigerator  for her birthday. Her face lit up when she opened it.

Have you ever noticed that, if  you look really closely, all mirrors look like eyeballs?

I misplaced a mood ring I have had since the 1970’s and I am not quite sure how I feel about that.

I saw a story on the evening news where a cement mixer and a prison bus crashed on the highway. Police advised citizens to be on the lookout for a group of hardened criminals.

Would you call a monkey in a minefield a Baboom?

This woman went to see her doctor.  She appeared very worried stressed out. She tells the Doctor, “I don’t know what to do.  Take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What is WRONG with me??”  The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you one thing.  There is nothing wrong with your eyesight….”  

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

The sooner I fall behind, the more time I have to catch up. ~Author Unknown

http://WWW.QUOTEGARDEN.COM

Friday Funny July 26, 2019 Opportunity Awaits!

Happy Friday! Can it really be the end of July already?  Time certainly does fly.

It seems like we are in a job seekers market these days with a lot of places advertising their job openings.  Perhaps you have thought it might just be time to seek a new opportunity.  Well, here are a few of the more interesting job ads that are making the round on the internet.

Enjoy!

SOME INTERESTING JOB ADS

Now Hiring. Must Have a Brain

Now Hiring – Must Have Clue

Wanted: Someone to grind or chew hay for horse with bad teeth

Wanted: Looking for someone do yard work. Must have hoolahoop

Wanted: Grape Stompers.  Must Have Good Balance and Large Feet. Skinny Folk need not apply.

Wanted: Somebody to go back in time with me. This is not a joke. You’ll get paid after we get back. Must bring your own weapons. Safety not guaranteed. I have only done this once before.

edtiors watned

Piano Player Wanted. Must have knowledge of opening clams.

Surgeon wanted for a new health clinic opening in the area. No experience needed. Must have own tools.

Waitress wanted. Must be 18 years old with 20 years’ experience.

Now hiring: cemetery superintendent. The ideal candidate must be able to supervise in a fast-paced environment.

Cab drivers wanted. Must have good driving & criminal record.

Now hiring cashier. Cannot look like Skeletor from He-Man.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form. ~Stanley J. Randall

http://WWW.QUOTEGARDEN.COM

Friday Funny July 19, 2019 A Dose of Will Rogers

Happy Friday!  As we come to the end of another week, it seems like a good time to reflect on some words of a wise man from a few years back.

Enjoy!

What the country needs is dirtier fingernails and cleaner minds.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

Rail splitting produced an immortal President in Abraham Lincoln; but golf, with 20 thousand courses, hasn’t produced even a good, A number-1 Congressman.

There is no credit to being a comedian, when you have the whole Government working for you. All you have to do is report the facts. I don’t even have to exaggerate.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

About all I can say for the United States Senate is that it opens with a prayer and closes with an investigation.

The more you observe politics, the more you’ve got to admit that each party is worse than the other.

Don’t let yesterday use up too much of today.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Rumor travels faster, but it don’t stay put as long as truth.

Be thankful we’re not getting all the government we’re paying for. 

Congress is so strange; a man gets up to speak and says nothing, nobody listens, and then everybody disagrees. 

Never blame a legislative body for not doing something. When they do nothing, they don’t hurt anybody. When they do something is when they become dangerous. 

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.” ~John Quinton

http://WWW.QUOTEGAREDEN.COM

Friday Funny July 12, 2019 Computer Viruses

Happy Friday! I hope you have had a good week. I heard today about a nasty computer virus that was going around. I did a little research and found that there are quite a few computer viruses making the rounds and I wanted to share these with you in the hope that you can avoid them.

Enjoy!

Adam and Eve virus: Takes a few bytes out of your Apple.

Star Trek virus: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before. 

Health Insurance virus: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.

C-nile virus – It makes your computer forget where it put your files.

Arnold Schwarzenegger virus – Terminates and stays resident. It’ll be back!

Couch Potato Virus – Just sits there, eating computer chips all day. 

Disney virus – Everything on the computer looks Goofy.

Economist virus – Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

Airline virus: You’re in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore. 

Paul Revere virus – Warns you of impending hard disk attack- Once, if by LAN; twice if by C. 

PBS virus – Your computer stops every fifteen minutes to ask for a tax deductible contribution.

Politically Correct virus – Never calls itself a “virus,” but instead refers to itself as an “independent electronic micro-organism.”

Survivor Virus – Deletes your files one by one over 13 weeks until only the most annoying one remains. 

Congressional Virus: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

Elvis virus: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy and then self destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

Michael Jackson virus: Hard to identify because it is constantly altering its appearance. 

KFC virus: makes your computer kick the bucket.

Joke Virus – poses as a harmless list of funny computer Virus names. Is quickly passed from one user to all other users via e-mail, consequently consuming all known network resources. Types of computer viruses

Thought for the Week

“Computers are like air conditioners. They work fine until you start opening windows.“~Anonymous

Friday Funny July 5, 2019 All American Jokes

Happy Friday!  Hope you were able to enjoy the 4th!  I may be a day late but here are some All American jokes to celebrate with.

Enjoy!

If you crossed Captain America with the Incredible Hulk would you get the Star-Spangled Banner?

If you crossed George Washington with cattle feed would you get the Fodder of Our Country!

If you crossed a dinosaur and a firecracker would you get dino-mite?

Would you call a duck that says “bang” a firequacker?

On July 5th do people eat Independence Day-Old-Pizza?

Are there no Knock Knock jokes about America because freedom rings?

What’s red, white, black and blue? Uncle Sam falling down the stairs.

Why did Paul Revere ride his horse from Boston to Lexington? Because the horse was too heavy to carry.

I saw a news story about a battery and a firework that were arrested. They charged one, and let the other one off.

The United States is a free country where every man can do as his wife pleases. 

Thought for the Week

“I like to see a man proud of the place in which he lives.  I like to see a man live so that his place will be proud of him.”  – Abraham Lincoln