Friday Funny July 30, 2021 Jokes You Should Have Seen Coming

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Happy Friday! We come to the end of July and there is still a lot of uncertainly as to where things are headed in 2021. Sometimes one might think it would be useful to see into the future. I am not so sure that would be helpful, but I do see some jokes about fortune telling in your future.

Enjoy!

I friend told me that he had call a psychic due to strange sightings of a chicken’s spirit haunting his home.  It turned out it was a  poultrygeist.

A psychic walks into a bar, but he should have seen it coming, right?

Would you call a psychic who is bad at predicting the future a non-prophet?

Did the psychic chicken cross the road to get in touch with the other side?

Would you call a psychic kitchen remodeler Counter Intuitive?

I had a psychic claim that she could tell what’s inside a wrapped birthday present. – She said it was a gift.

I heard about a psychic hermit crab, he makes shell-fulfilling prophecies.

Would you call an albino clairvoyant master hypnotist from Las Angeles a Super Pallid Cali Mystic Expert At Hypnosis?

I knew someone who started her career as a psychic but gave it up because she did not see any future in it.

Would you call an obese psychic a four chin teller?

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“I’m a psychic amnesiac, I know in advance what I’ll forget.” ~ Steven Wright

Friday Funny July 23, 2021 More Jokes for the Dog Days of Summer

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Happy Friday! We are approaching that time of the year referred to as the “Dog Days of Summer.” Seems like a good time to unleash some dog jokes.

Enjoy!

I heard that dogs tend to run in circles because they find it too difficult to run in squares.

I crossed a sheepdog with a rose, now I have a collie-flower.

I crossed a dog with a frog, now I have a croaker-spaniel.

I crossed my dog with a calculator, now I have a friend I can count on.

I tried to cross my dog with a computer but I ended with too many bites.

My dog really loves my smartphone.  It has collar ID.

I took my dog to the park but the ducks kept trying to bite him. I guess that is what I should have expected with a pure bread.

I once took in a wild dog that I found.  He spent a lot of time meditating; I think he was an aware wolf.

I finally figured out how to stop my dog from digging up the garden.  I hid his shovel.

I recently purchased a dog from a blacksmith, as soon as I got him home, he made a bolt for the door.

The other day a Policeman came to my door to tell me that my dog had been chasing a guy on his bike.  That really threw me off, I did not know that my dog was even able to ride a bike.

Thought for the Week

“What do dogs do on their day off? Can’t lie around – that’s their job.” ~ George Carlin

Friday Funny July 16, 2021 Milking Cow Puns

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Happy Friday! When was the last time you came across some cow puns? Well I am glad you asked!

Enjoy!

Did you hear about the cow that had a knack for magic tricks?  She was a regular Moo-dini.

It is useless to tell anything to a cow, it just goes in one ear and out the udder.

Is it true that cows have hooves instead of feet because they lactose?

Did you hear about the cow who went to her therapist because she felt that she was seen, but not herd?

Is it true that cows make great dancers because they have all the best moooves?

Would you call a cow who’s just given birth de-calfinated?

Would you call a cow who wanted to be a knight Sir Loin?

Is it true that the cow crossed the road to get to the udder side?

Is it true that cows do not have any money because farmers keep draining them dry?

If you feel like you’ve herd all these cow puns before, you probably have deja-moo.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“I could dance with you until the cows come home.  On second thought I’d rather dance with the cows until you come home.” ~ Groucho Marx

Friday Funny July 9, 2021 A Double Dip of Ice Cream Jokes

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Happy Friday! Summer is in full swing and that means warm weather and warm weather needs ice cream! I admit I have a weakness for ice cream that goes back to visiting and working at Sherer’s Ice Cream growing up. So let’s kick off this weekend with a generous serving of ice cream humor.

Enjoy!

Is it true that a Jedi’s favorite flavor of ice cream is Obi-Wan Spumoni?

Is it true that a geologist’s favorite flavor of ice cream is Rock erode?

Is it true that ice cream cones make good journalists because they always get the scoop?

Is it true that ice cream cones are bad at tennis because they have a soft serve?

I was offered a job at the local ice cream shop but I turned it down because I don’t like working on sundaes.

Did you hear about the ice cream man with the broken freezer?  He had a liquidation sale.

Did you hear about the anarchist ice cream maker who simply wanted to watch the world churn?

I have a lactose intolerant friend who sells ice cream for a living.  He can’t take it, but he can dish it out.

I have a friend who discovered he had purchased way too much ice cream – he had Breyer’s remorse.

I heard that they passed a law banning ice cream.  Fortunately, they went to court and it was ruled un-cone-stitutional!

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“My advice to you is not to inquire why or whither, but just enjoy your ice cream while it’s on your plate.” ~ Thornton Wilder

Friday Funny July 2, 2021 Jokes for July 4th

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Happy Friday and Happy 4th of July! Take some time this weekend to reflect on the significance of what those 56 signors put into motion almost 250 years ago. Here are a few jokes to kick off your holiday weekend.

Enjoy!

Is it true that if you crossed a patriot with a small curly-haired dog you would get a Yankee Poodle?

Is it true that the most popular dance in 1776 was The Indepen-dance?

Is it true that General Washington’s favorite tree was the infan-tree?

Did you know that the reason why there are not any knock-knock jokes about America is because Freedom rings?

Did you know that the tea of preference for the Colonists was Liber-tea?

Is it true that the biggest prankster in George Washington’s army was Laugh-ayette?

Did you know that the Colonists who told the most jokes were Pun-sylvanians?

It seems like there are not many things built in the USA anymore, I just purchased a new TV, the box stated “Built in Antennae” and I do not have any idea where that is!

I heard that the most logical building in the USA is the Philadelphia Mint, that makes a lot of cents.

If you crossed Captain America with the Incredible Hulk would you get The Star-Spangled Banner?

What did one flag say to the other flag on July 4th? Nothing. It just waved.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

American patriotism, even on the Fourth of July, should be known more by its works than by its fireworks. ~”Poor Richard Junior’s Philosophy,” The Saturday Evening Post, 1904, George Horace Lorimer, editor

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Friday Funny June 25, 2021 Hey Mr. Umpire!

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Happy Friday! I have finally been able to return as a spectator to the old ball yard. It is always great to get some peanuts, to root-root-root for the home team and to heckle the umpire! In case you need a little assistance in preparing for your return to baseball, I am here to help with some ready made heckling!

Enjoy!

  • Hey Mr. Umpire……

Did you lose your strike zone in the lights?

You make more bad calls than a telemarketer!

I’ve heard better calls at a square dance!

You couldn’t call a cab!

It sure sounded like a strike!

I’ve seen potatoes with better eyes!

For a guy that only works 3 hours a day, you’re doing a pretty bad job!

You couldn’t see the plate if your dinner was on it!

Did you leave your prescription mask at the hotel?

LensCrafters called…they’ll be ready in 30 min.

That pitch was so far outside it had a hat and coat on!

You couldn’t recognize a strike in a bowling alley!

That pitch was so inside it took out his appendix!

You’ve been calling that a strike all day long, don’t get a conscience now!

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“How can you not get romantic about baseball?” ~ Billy Beane, Moneyball

Friday Funny June 18, 2021 Too Much Coffee

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Happy Friday! Growing up, I thought that I would never drink coffee. Then during my freshman year of college I came to the realization that coffee was a lot cheaper than soda pop. Ever since then I have been drinking a LOT of coffee, but how much coffee is too much coffee? (That is a silly question – there is never too much!) However, if you think it is possible to have too much coffee, there are a few signs that might serve as indicators.
Enjoy!

You Know You Drink Too Much Coffee When…
• Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
• All your kitchen appliances are made by Mr. Coffee.
• You speed walk – in your sleep.
• You grind your own coffee beans – in your mouth.
• The doctor uses a tachometer to take your pulse.
• You sleep with your eyes open.
• You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
• You lick your coffeepot clean.
• You spent your last vacation visiting “Maxwell House.”
• You’re the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don’t even work there.
• You have a T-shirt that says, “Decaffeinated coffee is the devil’s blend.”
• All your children are named “Joe”.
• You don’t sweat, you percolate.
• You’ve worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
• You walk twenty minutes on your treadmill before you realize it’s not plugged in.
• People get dizzy just watching you.
• Dunkin’ Doughnuts owns the mortgage on your house.
• Your life’s goal is to amount to a hill of beans. •
• Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
• Your hand is permanently shaped to hold your mug.
• You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
• You once had a crush on Mrs. Olsen.
• You think being called a “drip” is a compliment.
• You don’t tan, you roast.
• You can’t even remember your second cup.
• You help your dog chase its tail.
• You get a speeding ticket even when you’re parked.
• You’re offended when people use the word “brew” to mean beer.
• You named your cats “Cream” and “Sugar.”
• You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
• You don’t get mad, you get steamed.
• Your birthstone is a coffee bean
• Your blood type is Arabica positive.
• Your resume lists Tim Horton as a reference.
• You have a tattoo that says, “Born to Brew.”
• You can play the “Minute Waltz” in 34 seconds
• When someone says. “How are you?” you reply, “Good to the last drop.”
• You introduce your spouse as your Coffeemate.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“It is inhumane, in my opinion, to force people who have a genuine medical need for coffee to wait in line behind people who apparently view it as some kind of recreational activity.” ~ Dave Barry

Friday Funny June 11, 2021 Fun Things to Do While Driving

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Happy Friday! Now that we are past Memorial Day, more people will be hitting the roads looking for some rest and relaxation. A lot of time driving can get a little boring, so here are a few suggestions to liven up that time in the car.

Enjoy!

Whenever you pass a cow, put your window down and yell “Moo!” as loud as you can.

Give a friendly wave to everyone you see. If they wave back, offer an offended and angry look.

Put your arms down the legs of an extra pair of trousers, put sneakers on your hands, then lean back as you drive.

Whenever possible, make lizard faces at small children in the back seat of other vehicles.

Put a puppet on your driving hand and have him hold the wheel. Have the puppet talk to people you pass or while at a stop light.

Write the words “Help me” on your back window in red. The more it looks like blood, the better.

Eat cherries while you drive and spit the pits out your window.

Honk your horn at geese to see if you can get them to honk back.

Stick your head out the window and pant like a dog.

Roll down your window and yell at children reminding them to brush their teeth before going to bed.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Life is a long road on a short journey.” ~James Lendall Basford (1845–1915), Seven Seventy Seven Sensations, 1897

WWW.QUOTEGARDEN.COM

Friday Funny June 4, 2021 Hard Working Jokes

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Happy Friday! June is here and it appears that there is a return to normalcy around the bend. The past year has been hard on a lot of people and businesses. People are starting to get out and offices are opening back up. So, let’s kick off the weekend with hard working jokes.

Enjoy!

I have a friend who works at a medicine factory, he said that during the pandemic work was so slow that you could hear a cough drop.

I have a friend who is an electrician, he said that he has been closing early for the last year because business is light.

I have a friend who tried his hand at being a limo driver during the past year.  He tried really hard but he did not get a single customer.  All that effort and nothing to chauffeur it.

I have another friend who tried to start a hot air balloon business during the pandemic but it just doesn’t take off.

I have a friend who used to be the host of a blackjack table, with the economy recovering he got a better deal.

Before the pandemic, a friend of mine owned a paper business but it folded.

I have a friend who is an archeologist, she says that post-pandemic her career lies in ruins.

I had a friend who had a doughnut shop before the pandemic, now she is just tired of the hole business.

I had another friend who wanted to open a pastry shop during the pandemic, but he couldn’t raise the dough.

I knew a guy who, before the pandemic, had a job tying sausages together; however, he just could not make ends meet.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

There are no menial jobs, only menial attitudes. ~William J. Bennett, The Book of Virtues

WWW.QUOTEGARDEN.COM

Friday Funny May 28, 2021 Working Out a Few Jokes

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Happy Friday! Memorial Day is an opportunity to reflect on those who gave their lives for our freedoms. Memorial Day also marks the unofficial start of summer. Maybe you are aiming to get in shape for summer activities, so let’s kick off the holiday weekend with a quick set of jokes. Drop and give me ten!

Enjoy!

I asked my wife for suggestions for a new exercise routine, and she said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”  I said, “I don’t know, that sounds like a big step.”

I am thinking about started to swim for exercise, it might give me a sense of porpoise.

Last week I went to the gym and found a new machine.  I only used it for about an hour – until I started to feel sick – but it’s great: it’s got Reese’s, Hershey Bars, Almond Joys and more in it!

Today, I did five laps around the gym, tomorrow, I might even park my car and go inside.

I tried to cancel my gym membership today, but they wanted me to provide a too weak notice.

I never thought that I would be the type of person to wake up at 5 A.M to go for a jog.  It turns out that I was right.

Did you hear about the farmer that went to the gym and pulled his calf?

Did you hear about the fisherman who went to the gym and pulled a mussel?

My wife bought me an exercise bike for Christmas.  I used it for about a month but it did not seem like it was getting me anywhere.

I called the gym and asked if they could teach me gymnastics.  The guy asked, “How flexible are you?”  I said, “I can make it most weekdays after 6:00”

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

Who kept the faith and fought the fight;
The glory theirs, the duty ours. ~Wallace Bruce

WWW.QUOTEGADEN.COM