Monthly Archives: May 2015

Friday Funny May 29, 2015 School Excuses


Now that we are past Memorial Day, many schools are wrapping up and anxious children are welcoming the coming of summer.  Teachers can be thankful too that they will get a break from dealing with excuses like the following.


  • Dear School: Please excuse John from being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
  • Please excuse Dianne from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
  • Please excuse Johnnie for being. It was his father’s fault.
  • Chris will not be in school because he has an acre in his side.
  • John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face.
  • Lillie was absent from school yesterday because she had a going over,
  • George was absent yesterday because he had a stomach.
  • Please excuse Amanda from school yesterday. She had perfect attendance last nine weeks. That’s really good so I let her stay home for a reward.
  • Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.
  • Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
  • Please excuse jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it monday. We thought it was sunday. 
  • Sally won’t be in school a week from friday. We have to attend her funeral.
  • Please excuse Casey from school. It was Take Your Daughter to work day. I don’t have a job, so I made her stay home and do housework.
  • Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
  • My son is under the doctor’s care and should not take fizical ed. Please execute him.
  • Please excuse Joyce from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday she fell off a tree and misplaced her hip.
  • Pease excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels
  • Ralph was absent yesterday because he had a sore trout.
  • Please excuse Sara for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

Thought for the Week

It is indeed ironic that we spend our school days yearning to graduate and our remaining days waxing nostalgic about our school days.  ~Isabel Waxman


Memorial Day 2015


Today is Memorial Day, a holiday that for many people signals the beginning of summer. Amusement parks and pools are open.  The school year is winding down.  Many people gather with friends and family to cook out and eat a picnic.  However, we would be remiss it we did not stop to ponder for a moment what this day is really about.

Today is Memorial Day, a say set aside to honor those who have given the ultimate sacrifice in service to their country.  The origins go back to the mid 1800’s during the time of the War Between the States when flowers were placed on the graves of those who had been killed in battle. Many will visit cemeteries and place flags and flowers on the graves of those who served in the various military branches.  The President traditionally visits the Tomb of the Unknowns in  Arlington National Cemetery to place a wreath.  Around the nation there are parades and services to commemorate the day.  It is worth noting the word Holiday is a combination of two words “holy” and “day” and was originally a day of dedication to religious observance.  

However, it is easy to get so caught up in the thrill of a three-day weekend that we forget what this holiday is about and the price that has been paid so that we can enjoy it.  It was recently pointed out to me that wishing someone a “Happy Memorial Day” is a bit of an oxymoron.  Happy is a word that has connotations of pleasure, enjoyment, gladness; hardly words that fit with death and battle.  Memorial Day is a day that reminds us that our history is “messy.”  Ours is a country that was born out of struggle and has been in and out of struggles since 1776.  The price of freedom and democracy is  high and this is a day to remember those who were not only willing to pay the price but did pay the price.  

Yes, our history is a messy and we are tempted to forget that.  The result of the Revolutionary   War produced a republic that is itself rather messy.  In fact the only thing messier than democracy is the lack of democracy.  Today, we continue to see those around the world that fear freedom and democracy and instead seek to intimidate through fear.  We must continue the struggle for life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness and ability to continue this struggle is made possible by those we remember on this day.

So, I would encourage you to take time this day to remember the sacrifice that those have made for the greater good and I would say to you, “Have a Good Memorial Day.”

Friday Funny May 22, 2015 Feeling Like an Old Codger


This week I have been feeling a bit like an old codger.  Part of the reason is that I remember all of the items below.  If you remember them, you just might be an old codger too!


You took your life in your own hands as a kid and played with “pointy” Jarts (and probably threw them at someone more than once).

You know any “Weird Al” Yankovic songs by heart.  

You’ve ever rung someone’s doorbell and said “Landshark!”

You remember when “Saturday Night Live” was funny.

You watched late night talk shows BEFORE David Letterman.

You were once bowled over by the technology of “Pong.”   

You remember watching music videos on “Friday Night Videos” (Yes, that was before MTV)

You rode facing backwards in a station wagon.

You remember when you could buy candy, baseball cards and a comic book for less than a quarter FOR ALL THREE!

Schoolhouse Rock played a HUGE part in how you learned things like grammar, math and history. (A big hint here is if the only way you can recite the Preamble to the Constitution is by singing it.)

The age-old question “Where’s the beef?” still makes you laugh.

You remember when film critics raved that no movie could ever possibly have more advanced special effects than “TRON.” (The original)

You dialed 867-5309 to see if Jenny was actually there.

“All skate, change directions” means something to you.

You remember when your VHS remote was connected by a CORD!

You remember Bo and Luke Duke, Daisy, Boss Hogg, or-worst of all-what Sheriff Roscoe’s full name was.

You remember having a rotary phone, probably black.

You actually believed that Mikey, famed kid on the Life cereal commercials, died after eating Pop Rocks and drinking a Coke.

You didn’t dodge the draft – it just didn’t exist when you turned 18.

You remember when your parents bought their first color TV.

You remember when Man had not walked on the moon.

You ever had to use Computer Punch Cards.

You remember when Paul McCarty was “dead.”

You watched “The Banana Splits”, “Sigmund the Sea Monster” and “H.R. Puffinstuff.”

You squeezed the Charmin.

You tried to figure out just how many licks it does take to get to the center of a tootsie pop.

You know the Big Mac ingredients forwards and backwards. (Two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun.) 

You ever said  “I can’t believe I ate the whole thing.” 

You watched “The Gong Show” and it’s evil twin “The $1.98 Beauty Show”


Age does not diminish the extreme disappointment of having a scoop of ice cream fall from the cone. ~Jim Fiebig


This Week’s Sign That I Am Getting Old


Sometime around 1976, the Steve Miller Band released “Fly Like an Eagle” that told us that “time keeps on slippin’, slippin’, slippin’ into the future” and indeed it does.  From time to time something happens that makes me take note of how much time has really has been slippin’.  There was the time that the lady at McDonald’s game me a senior discount, even thought I had not asked for it.  There was the time when during a commercial for A Touch of Gray I commented to my wife that I had a touch of gray and she quickly responded that it looked more like I had been slapped with it than touched with it.  There are those times when I realize that I cannot do everything that I used to do.  And then there was yesterday.  Yesterday My new pair of glasses arrived and they are bifocals.  Bifocals have been around since the time of Benjamin Franklin, who many credit with inventing them.  It is not certain that Mr. Franklin was the first to come up with bifocals, but he was among the first to wear them.  Recent decades have seen a lot of improvements in bifocals which were originally made of two separate lenses combined in one frame.  Now we have single lens bifocals, invisible bifocals and progressive lenses.  After wearing them for a day, I can say that they do help with the reading I do at work and that is nice.  But one thing that has not improved in recent years and most likely never  will is the indisputable fact that getting bifocals is just another item in the ever-growing list of things that says that I am getting older.

Friday Funny May 15, 2015 High Flying Jokes


This week I flew for the first time in a long time which prompted me to find some flying related jokes chosen just for you.


A Blonde on a Plane

A blonde boards an airplane and immediately sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess comes over to her and politely tells her she must move to coach because she does not have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m smart, I have a good job, I AM a first class person and I am staying in this seat until I get to Jamaica.”

The stewardess throws up her hands, walks away and gets the head stewardess who also asks the blonde to leave. The blonde yet again repeats “I’m blonde, I’m smart, I have a good job, I AM a first class person and I am staying in this seat class until I get to Jamaica.” The head stewardesses is getting nervous now because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated in order to take off, so the stewardess gets the copilot.

The copilot walks up to the blonde, leans over and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat. The copilot replies, “Simple, I just told her the front half of the airplane wasn’t going to Jamaica.”

 Another Blonde on Another Plane

A different blonde has never flown before and is very excited to have an opportunity to fly. She is very nervous and tense as she boards the plane.  The stewardess announces that the plane they are flying on is a Boeing 747.  At this the excited blonde starts bouncing in her seat and shouting, “BOEING! BOEING!! BOEING!!! BO…..” over and over and over again.

Caught up in the moment, she forgets where she is and continues to shout “BOEING! BOEING!! BOEING!!!”  The passengers are annoyed and even the pilot in the cock-pit hears the noise. Finally, the Pilot gets on the intercom and shouts “Be silent!” 

Now, there was pin-drop silence everywhere and everybody is looking over at the blonde. She stared off in the distance, bewildered, for a moment.  Then, all of a sudden, she starts shouting, “OEING! OEING! OEING! OE….”

 Two Birds on a Plane

Migration was approaching and two elderly vultures doubted they could make the long flight south again, so they decided to make it easy on themselves and go by airplane.

As they were checking their baggage at the airport, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons. So, she asked, “Don’t you want to check the raccoons through as luggage?”  

“No, thanks,” replied the vultures. “They’re carrion.” 

Thought for the Week

“That’s not flying, that’s just falling with style” ~ Woody, from the 1996 movie Toy Story, regarding Buzz Lightyear


Take Me Out to the Ballgame


If you know me or if you have been reading this blog for any time, you have probably figured out that I have an affinity for baseball.  As a child I caught a bad case of baseball fever and it has never let go.

Every once in a great while I get to feed this fever in a special way by attending a major league baseball stadium at a venue that I have never been to.  Tonight was one of those nights as I made a pilgrimage to see the Chicago Cubs at venerable Wrigley Field,  “The Friendly Confines” has been the host to major league baseball for over 100 years now.  The place is just dripping with history.  Yes, there have been night games for many years now, yes there is now a state-of-the art giant scoreboard towering above left field.  But this is still the place where Billy Williams, Ron Santo, Don Kessinger, and Ernie Banks played.  This is the place that was the site of Babe Ruth’s “called shot” in the 1932 World Series.  This is where Pete Rose had hit 4,191 tying him with Ty Cobb.  This is where Gabby Hartnett, Greg Maddux, Fergie Jenkins, and Ryne Sandberg played their way into the hearts of the loyal fans.  My evening at Wrigley took me to the past as I watched the emerging Cubs stars of the future.  The names keep changing, but the game remains, essential the same:  three strikes are an out, four balls are a walk, the bases are ninety feet apart.

Yet the evening also made me feel a bit old.  It got me thinking about the other palaces of baseball that I have visited.  There is Great American Ballpark in Cincinnati, The New Bush Stadium in St. Louis and Tropicana Field in St. Petersburg.  These, in addition to Wrigley are the stadiums currently in use that I have been too.  What makes me feel old are the stadiums that I have seen major league baseball games in that are no longer in use.  This list is composed of Crosley Field AND Riverfront Stadium in Cincinnati, the old Busch Stadium in St. Louis, the old Comisky Park in Chicago, Exhibition Park in Toronto, Arlington Stadium in Texas and The Kingdome in Seattle.  If I have been to seven stadiums that have been replaced, I must be old.  If I have been to three different stadiums in Cincinnati to see the Reds, I must be getting really old!

But the game goes on and the fever remains no matter how old I get.

Friday Funny May 8, 2015 Things I Learned From My Mother




Happy Friday!  This weekend we celebrate Mother’s Day.  There are many, many things we learned from our Mother, but in case you have forgotten here are a few reminders.


My mother taught me about RELIGION.
“You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
“If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”

My mother taught me about IRONY.
“Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.”

My mother taught me about STAMINA.
“You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”

My mother taught me about WEATHER.
“This room of yours looks like a tornado went through it.”

My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
“Just wait until we get home.”

My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
“You are going to get it when you get home!”

My mother taught me about MEDICAL SCIENCE.
“If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.”

My mother taught me about ESP.
“Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you’ll be cold?”

My mother taught me about HUMOR.
“When that lawnmower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”

My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
“If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”

My mother taught me about WISDOM.
“When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.

My mother taught me about SHARING.
” I’m going to give you a piece of my mind!”

My mother taught me to plan ahead.                                                                                                       “If you don’t pass your spelling test, you’ll never get a good job!” 

My mother taught me about LOGIC.                                                                                                        “If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.”

My mother taught me about my ROOTS.                                                                                           “Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?” 

My mother taught me about JUSTICE.                                                                                            “One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!”

Thought for the Week

The one thing children wear out faster than shoes is parents. ~John J. Plomp



Fits Like a Glove



Usually I try to be a pragmatic, commonsense, look-for-good-value kind of guy.  However, once in a while, I can get a bit extravagant.  One of the things that I once splurged on was a softball glove.  Let me make this clear, this was not just any softball glove, this was a Wilson A2000 softball glove (decades before Harry Potter had his Nimbus 2000).  The A2000 is still made by Wilson and is used by many Major League players today.  I bought the glove sometime in the spring of 1981 and, if I recall correctly, I paid in the neighborhood of $80 for it.  (How I came to have $80 available to “invest” in a softball glove is another story for another day).  A quick search on the internet, revealed that today’s A2000 model goes for about $240.  It is safe to say that I would not pay $240 for a glove today.

I imagine that we all have something that we just “had to have” and once we obtained it, it quickly lost our favor and was cast into a garage or basement to gather dust and be forgotten.  I am happy to say that has not been the case with this glove.  From the moment that I first put it on my hand, it just felt right.  It was “game ready” when I walked out of the store.  Today, it is not nearly as soft and supple as it was in 1981, but then neither am I.   Over the years I have tried to take care of it, I have “dressed” it numerous times and made several attempts to rework the lacing in the webbing and the fingers.  Just last week I re-laced the fingers in an effort to tighten it up a bit.  It has been used every year for the last 34 softball seasons and I certainly hope to have the opportunity to use it again this year.

Not too long after it came into my possession I wrote Bible verses, which I thought were appropriate, on the back of three of the fingers.  Today, if you look closely, you can still make out a word or two of the following:

Ecclesiastes 9:10  Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with your might

Exodus 4:4 …. and he put forth his hand and caught it…

and perhaps the most appropriate, Psalm 19:12 Who can understand his errors?