Monthly Archives: February 2016

Friday Funny February 26, 2016 De-Motivation for Leap Day

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Happy Friday!  While the chill wind of winter still blows, we know that spring is just around the corner and as we come to the end of February, we come upon that bonus day of February 29th.  I thought it would be appropriate to share a little leap humor, unfortunately there is just much out there.  Apparently the end of February is just not very funny in any year.  So, I’ll share what I could find.  

I imagine everyone has seen those motivational posters that business like to hang in break rooms and other high traffic areas.  They try to inspire everyone to strive toward teamwork and excellence and customer service.  But have you ever seen de-motivational posters?  I share a few of my favorites below.  Here is a bonus de-motivator to get you stated for Leap Day – if you are on salary, Monday you get to work for free.

Enjoy!

LEAP DAY JOKES

What do athletes wear on Leap Day?                                             Jumpsuits.

Where do most people eat on Leap Day?                                       IHOP.

What kind of music do you listen to on Leap Day?                     Hip Hop.

What do you tell a hitchhiker on Leap Day?                                 Hop In.

What is a frog’s favorite time of year?                                          Leap Day.

What do you call a surgery on Leap Day?                                    A hop-eration.

I wasn’t going to celebrate Leap Day, but I decided to jump on the band wagon.

My coworker was fired on Leap Day, apparently he picked the wrong time to jump off the deep end.

SOME SLOGANS THAT WILL PROBABLY NOT BE APPEARING IN A BREAK ROOM NEAR YOU

KNOWLEDGE – I believe that children are our future.  And that terrifies me.

MEETINGS – None of us is as dumb as all of us.

GOVERNMENT – If you think the problems we create are bad, just wait until you see our solutions.

CONSULTING – If you’re not a part of the solution, there’s good money to be made in prolonging the problem.

FORESIGHT – Those who say it cannot be done should not interrupt those busy proving them right.

UNDERACHIEVEMENT – Because soaring with the eagles requires so much more effort.

INSIGNIFICANCE – If you think it’s lonely at the top, just wait ‘til you try the bottom.

SANITY – Minds are like parachutes.  Just because you’ve lost yours doesn’t mean you can borrow mine.

MULTITASKING – The art of doing twice as much as you should half as well as you could.

For more de-motivational ideas visit – http://despair.com/

Thought for the Week

Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art…. It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival. ~C.S. Lewis

http://quoategarden.com

 

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Friday Funny February 19, 2015 Extra! Extra! Read All About It!

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Happy Friday!  We live in the Information Age where all sorts of information and news is available from a plethora of  sources twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week.  With all that information so freely flowing, there are bound to be a few wires that get crossed, unintentionally or intentionally, from time to time.  This Friday, for you enjoyment and pondering, I present some of the more interesting headlines that have made their way past all the editors.

Enjoy!

Some Headlines Just Make Me Wonder

County to Pay $250,000 to Advertise Lack of Funds 

Man Accused of Killing Lawyer Receives a New Attorney  

Midget Sues Grocer, Cites Belittling Remarks

One-armed Man Applauds the Kindness of Strangers

Volunteers Search for Old Civil War Planes

Cows Lose Their Jobs as Milk Prices Drop

Slowdown Continues to Accelerate

Man Tries Armed Robbery with Knife in Gun Store

Authorities Pursue Man Running with Scissors

Fire Extinguisher Factory Destroyed in Massive Blaze

Pigs Dies as Houses Are Blown Down

Farmer Bill Dies in House

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

And Some Headlines Just Make Me Scratch My Head

City Unsure Why the Sewer Smells

Homicide victims rarely talk to police

Fish Need Water, Feds Say

Statistics Show that Teen Pregnancy Drops Off Significantly After Age 25

Use Clothing to Keep Warm During Winter

Thought for the Week

We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful about what we pretend to be. ~Kurt Vonnegut

http://www.quotegarden.com

Valentines Day – First Love

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I remember my first love like it was yesterday, or perhaps I am just approaching that age where I remember things that happened in the sixties better than I remember what I had for breakfast this morning.  Anyway, as I was saying, I remember my first love like it was yesterday.  It happened at Shiloh Elementary School in Dayton, Ohio.    Today, all that is left of Shiloh is an empty lot that looks far too small to even contain the dreams I had as a child much less a school with several hundred students in kindergarten through eighth grade. 

I was in first grade, in Miss Davidson’s class and her name was Marion.  I do not recall how it exactly began, but I do recall that I was a smitten young man and like a smitten young man, I began to plot my course of action to win her heart.  I suppose it was an effort to allow each of us to get to know one another or perhaps it was a way to beak up the children that talked to each other too much, but whatever the reason, every couple of weeks, Miss Davidson would have everyone move up or back a desk. So, I knew that sooner or later I would have my opportunity, albeit brief, to sit close to Marion.  I also knew this time would no doubt be one of the two most exciting things that would happen during first grade.  

The other exciting event was the week when one was allowed the privilege of serving as the class “milkman.”  In in those ancient days, we had no lunch room, so most kids brought lunch from home.  If you brought a note from home, you could walk up to the drugstore.  I usually had to walk home for lunch, all the way across the street behind the school, uphill both ways. Anyway, each week two students were chosen to collect the money and go down to the vending machines and get the drinks.  It was a nickel for a carton of white or chocolate milk and a dime for a healthy bottle of 7-up, Orange Crush or Frostee Root Beer.  You know nothing perks up a first-grader for an afternoon of education like a nice, cold bottle of flavored sugar.  This was not only an exciting task, it may have well begun my career development preparing me for my days in banking and accounting!

But I digress, after what seemed like an eternity (of course a six-year-old has a very limited view of time), my time finally came and I got to sit next to my heart’s desire.  Unfortunately, I took a little too much advantage of this opportunity by talking when I was supposed to be listening to Miss Davidson which resulted in my getting to stand by my desk for a while while the class continued.  I do not believe I ever told my parents about this little indiscretion and it did not appear to affect my conduct grade. (Yes, I did check, I do still have my first grade report card doesn’t everyone??)

Perhaps my plan worked to an extent, for later that school year I received an invitation to Marion’s birthday party.   I was excited about going and I’m sure my Mom helped me pick out just the right gift.  However, my plans quickly unraveled when upon my arrival at the party I spotted another boy from Mrs. Thompson’s class by the name of Joe, who no doubt was destined to be my bitter rival for Marion’s affection.    I recall little else from the party, no doubt I left despondent and downcast.

As fate would have it, one day at the conclusion of recess (yes, in those days gone by we actually went outside and played) young Joe seized the opportunity to kiss Marion before we went back inside for the afternoon.  Lucky for this little Romeo (which prophetically rhymes with “Joe”) that was in the 60’s when everyone wanted to make love, not war.  Today young Joe would probably have been suspended from the school and labeled as a sex offender which would have left me free to pursue Marian in a more subtle and refined manner.  But alas, my opportunity had come and gone.  Joe had seized the day while I had let it slip through my hands.  I was only six, but love had done stomped on my heart and smashed that sucker flat.  I was left to pick up the pieces and move on.

But fate makes some curious twists and turns. At the end of the school year Marion moved away and I never saw her again.  I heard when I was in college that she was attending the same university I was at, but I did not even have an interest in tracking her down by that time and I am certain that I had been long forgotten.  And what became of my rival Joe?  Well as the years went on, we became great friends.  We shared an apartment in college (until it burned down, another story for another day) and when my wedding day arrived, Joe was by my side serving as my best man. 

Happy Valentine’s Day.  You just never know how a good love story will turn out.

Friday Funny February 12, 2016 More Silly Love Songs

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Happy Friday!  Valentine’s Day is upon us. I remember Valentines Day back in grade school.  I would go through the cards that my Mom had purchased carefully matching which card would go to which classmate.  It was always important to make sure that the guys got the macho Batman valentines while the girls would receive the not quite as macho Batman valentines.  On the big day, all the decorated boxes would line the perimeter of the class and we would go around the room delivering cards.  After school I would rush home and go through my box to see if I received a valentine from that cute girl in class and I would be thrilled if I did.  I guess it didn’t occur to me that every kid in the class received a valentine from every other kid in the class.  I guess I have never fully grasped the concept of February 14. 

Well, over the years there has been a boat load of love songs, some good and some not so good.  This weekend, a lot of those songs will be dusted off and played again.  However, we may have “heard” these songs so many times that we don’t “hear” them anymore.  Because if we did, we would probably turn them off.  Here are a few examples.

Enjoy!

Queen – “Crazy Little Thing Called Love”

“This thing called love, I just can’t handle it
This thing called love, I must get round to it
I ain’t ready
Crazy little thing called love”

What better time than Valentine’s Day to let your significant other know that you are not ready for commitment and are a bit unstable as well?

Anne Murray – “You Needed Me”

“You gave me strength to stand alone again
To face the world out on my own again
You put me high upon a pedestal
So high that I could almost see eternity
You needed me, you needed me
You needed me, you needed me”

So, “you needed me”, but thank’s to all you have done for me, I don’t need you anymore??

Foreigner – “I Want To Know What Love Is”

“I gotta take a little time
A little time to think things over
I better read between the lines
In case I need it when I’m older”

Happy Valentine’s Day……let me think about this for a while…

Captain and Tennille – “Muskrat Love”

“Muskrat Suzie, Muskrat Sam
Do the jitterbug at a Muskrat Land
And they shimmy, Sam is so skinny

And they whirl and they twirl and they tango
Singin’ and jinglin’ a jangle
Float like the heavens above
Looks like Muskrat Love”

Most days I try to avoid thinking of furry rodents and Valentine’s Day should not be an exception.  If I saw Muskrat Suzie and Muskrat Sam I would grab a broom and try to shoo them out the door.

Donny Osmond – “Puppy Love” 

“Someone, help me, help me, help me please
Is the answer up above
How can I, how can I tell them
This is not a puppy love”
 

Most days I try to avoid thinking of Donny Osmond and Valentine’s Day should not be an exception.  Someone help me, help me please find a way to get this song out of my head.

The Police – “Every Breath You Take” 

“Every single day every word you say,
Every game you play every night you stay,
I’ll be watching you.”
 

Is it just me or are these lyrics just a bit creepy? 

Air Supply – “All Out of Love 

“I’m lying alone with my head on the phone,
Thinking of you ’till it hurts
I know that you hurt to, but what else can we do?”

It is not the thinking that hurts, it is lying with your head on the phone; try a nice fluffy pillow instead.

The Greatest Love of All – George Benson/Whitney Houston

“Everybody’s searching for a hero
People need someone to look up to
I never found anyone who fulfilled my needs
A lonely place to be
And so I learned to depend on me”

Happy Valentine’s Day, I hope you love me as much as I do!

Thought for the Week

The heart has its reasons that reason knows nothing of  ~Blaise Pascal, Pensées, 1670

  http://www.quotegarden.com 

 

Friday Funny February 5, 2016 Jokes for the Big Game

football

Happy Friday!  This is the weekend for the big game.  I had the TV on tonight and there were commercials for Super Bowl related hype Friday Night and Saturday Night leading up to the all day pregame Sunday which served to remind me why I will once again not watch the game.  If you think about it, the actual game is quite secondary to the commercials and the half-time lip syncing show.  But if you find yourself at a Super Bowl party Sunday and the game get boring and you need a football related joke.  Well, I am here for you.

Enjoy!

Where do hungry football players play?   In the Supper Bowl.

What kind of ends do you find in libraries?  Book ends.

what’s the difference between a quarterback and a baby?  One takes the snap, the other takes a nap.

Which football team cooks gourmet meals together?  The Kansas City Chefs.

Which player is the easiest target to hit with the football? The wide receiver.

What does your teacher call if you run your sentences  together and never use periods or commas?   “Illegal use of ands”

What football player has very strong legs and builds houses? A car-punter.

Why did the referee call a penalty on the car-punter?  “Roofing the passer.”

What should you put in the end zone to keep the other team away?  A scorecrow.

THE OTHER BIG GAME

During the Super Bowl, there was another football game of note between the big animals and the small animals. The big animals were crushing small animals and at half-time, the coach made a passionate speech to rally the little animals.

At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball. The first play, the elephant got stopped for no gain. The second play, the rhino was stopped for no gain. On third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5 yard loss.

As the defensive players huddled around the coach, he asked excitedly, “Who stopped the elephant?!”

“I did,” said the centipede.

“And who stopped the rhino?”

“Uh, that was me too,” said the centipede.

“Well what about the hippo? Who hit him for a 5 yard loss?”

“Well, that was me as well,” said the centipede.

“So where were you all during the first half?” demanded the coach.

“Well,” said the centipede, “I was having my ankles taped…..”

Thought for the Week

“I had pro offers from the Detroit Lions and Green Bay Packers, who were pretty hard up for linemen in those days. If I had gone into professional football the name Jerry Ford might have been a household word today.” ~ President Gerald Ford