Monthly Archives: December 2019

Happy New Year 2020!

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If you are searching for a New Year’s Resolution, may I offer a few suggestions?

I resolve to be more decisive, maybe.

I resolve to have a password other than “password.”

I resolve to conserve energy by spending more time laying on the couch.

I resolve not to text a family member while we are both in the same room.

I resolve to limit myself to seventeen e-mail addresses.

I resolve to stop sending e-mails to myself unless absolutely necessary.

I resolve to chat with my spouse live instead of on Facebook.

I resolve to not say, “LOL… LOL!” out loud when I hear something funny.

I resolve to balance my checkbook — on my nose.

I resolve to be an optimist, forget that, I don’t think I can keep it.

I resolve to watch more TV, if I am paying for 250 channels, then by golly I need to watch 250 channels.

I resolve to learn how to program the VCR I purchased in 1998.

I resolve to get ready for Y2K.

 I resolve to figure out where Waldo is.

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Friday Funny December 27, 2019 Top Uses for Fruit Cake

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Happy Friday!  By now most, if not all of the presents have been unwrapped and the excitement may be waning a little.  There may be a present or two that you are not quite sure what do to with, if one of those is a fruit cake, let me offer a few suggestions.

Enjoy!

  1. Place your fruitcake in a safe place, leave it for ten years, then re-gift.
  2. Fruitcakes make great doorstops.
  3. Fruitcakes make excellent book ends.
  4. Fruitcakes can be used as blocks.
  5. Fruitcakes can be used to repair sections of your deck or driveway.
  6. Use it as a weight to hold down your portable basketball goal, this will prevent the goal from tipping over during periods of high winds.
  7. If you get two, drill a hole through the middle of each one (hammer drill is recommended) attach securely to a study metal p[ole, use as dumbbell.
  8. If you own a pickup truck, place fruitcakes in the truck bed to add weight for traction in the snow.
  9. Fruitcakes make excellent boundary markers for your driveway or yard during snowy months they hold their shape no matter how many times you or the snow plow run over them.
  10. If you cannot use it during the winter months, just hang onto it until spring and use as a boat anchor.
  11. Break it into smaller pieces (jackhammer recommended) and use like pumice to clean pots, pans and porcelain.
  12. Break it into smaller pieces (jackhammer recommended) and use as rocks for your gas fireplace.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Reality is like a fruitcake; pretty enough to look at but with all sorts of nasty things lurking just beneath the surface.” ~ A. Lee Martinez

The Night Before Christmas In The Digital Age

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I thought I would share an encore edition of a Friday Funny from 2009 (before I knew what a blog was).  So, with apologies to Clement Clarke Moore, here is my adaptation of his classic for the digital age.

Enjoy!

‘Twas the day before Christmas, when at my house

I was at the computer, moving the mouse;

It was time for another Friday Funny, does anyone care

If in the morning, the email inbox has a funny there?

Two of my boys were still nestled all snug in their beds,

While visions of homemade cookies danced in their heads;

While mamma was working, I was off for the day,

It seemed like there was nothing funny for me to say,

When out on the Internet there arose such a clatter,

I sprang to my browser to see what was the matter.

Away to another window I flew like a flash,

Hoping as always that my computer would not crash.

The back-lighting of the monitor produced a glow

Which gave a slight luster to objects below,

As I wondered from web site to web site what should appear,

But a miniature sleigh jpg, complete with reindeer,

With a little driver icon, so lively and quick, I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.

More rapid than dsl downloads his cursers they came,

And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;

“Now, Yahoo! now, Google! now, Facebook and Amazon!

On, ebay! on youtube! on, myspace and ask.com!

To the top of the screen! to the top of the wall!

Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!”

As deleted lines that before the backspace button fly,

When they meet with a click, mount to the sky,

So up to the screen-top the cursers they flew,

With a file full of toys, and St. Nicholas too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the speaker

The prancing and pawing of each little squeaker.

As I drew in my hand, and was scrolling around,

Downloading an mpeg, St. Nicholas came with a bound.

He was digitally dressed from his head to his foot,

And his clothes were photo-shopped with ashes and soot;

A bundle of toys he had superimposed on his back,

And he looked like a Trojan file just opening his pack.

His eyes — they pulsated! his dimples they grew!

His cheeks had roses painted on them, his nose was blue!

His droll little mouth transfigured to a bow,

And the beard of his chin turned into white snow;

His pipe was a tree stump he held tight in his teeth,

And the smoke wafted up and became a green wreath;

He had a broad face and a little round belly,

That shook, when he laughed and turned into jelly.

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,

And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;

Two winking eyes and a fast spinning head,

Soon gave me to know I had no virus to dread;

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,

He backed up my hard drive; then turned with a jerk,

And laying his finger aside of his nose,

And giving a nod, up the window he rose;

He sprang to his jpg, to his team gave a whistle,

And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.

But I heard him exclaim, ere he deleted his cookie from sight,

“Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.”

© 2019 LeonardsLines.com

 

Ghosts of Christmas’ Past – Christmas Cards

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Christmas cards spear to be a fading tradition of Christmas.  Christmas cards began gaining popularity in the later part of the 19th century.  The custom of that time among more affluent families was to leave ‘calling cards’ when visiting someone’s house.  This lead to Christmas themed cards which eventually lead to the Christmas cards we are familiar with today.

I remember growing up we would tape the Christmas cards that we received around the inside of the front door and by Christmas there would be  cards taped all up and down both sides of the door.  Even after I was an adult and out on my own sending and receiving Christmas cards was a vital part of the Holiday season.  The daily trip to the mail box included a little excitement as you wondered who you might hear from today.  The arrival of a card would bring to mind friends and relatives that perhaps had not been heard from since the prior Christmas.  It was even better if the card included a picture or a letter.  I have one cousin who would could always manage to make her letter rhyme.  

It does not take a statistician to see that the number of Christmas Cards being mailed is on the decline.  We have received and mailed oly a handful of cards this year.  The obvious cause is the arrival of electronic communication and social media.  On one had it is great to hear from and see pictures of many more folks on a much more regular basis than once a year.  On the other hand, there is something  that I miss about those Christmas cards that helped make this wonderful season even a little brighter.

I am as guilty as the next person and you prob ably will not be receiving a card from me this year but that does not mean that I no longer care to send the very best, it simply means that the times, they are a changin’ and I am trying to change with them.  So here is wishing you and yours a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

© 2019 LeonardsLines.com

Friday Funny December 20, 2019 Short Christmas Jokes

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Happy Friday!  Christmas and Hanukkah are just a few days away.  Here are a few seasonal jokes chosen just for that hard to shop for person on your list.

Enjoy!

If Santa Clause fell into the fireplace would he become Krisp Kringle?
 
Is it true that the one reindeer who needs to mind his manners the most is Rude-olph?
 
Is it true that the reindeer who has the cleanest antlers is Comet?
 
Is it true that Santa’s reindeer favorite place for lunch is Deery Queen?
 
Would you call a scary reindeer a cari-boo?

Do Gingerbread Men put cookie sheets on their beds?
 
Would you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time Sandy Claus?

If you crossed an iPad with a Christmas tree would you get a pineapple?
 
If Santa walks backwards does he go “oh oh oh”?
 
Q: What’s red, white and blue at Christmas time?  A: A sad candy cane!

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“No man is a failure who has friends.” — It’s a Wonderful Life

Memorable Christmas Presents – Bowling Ball

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We are down to the last handful of shopping days until Christmas and I am again pondering the ghosts of Christmas presents past.  I recall asking for a bowling ball for Christmas when I was in high school, back before I determined that bowling just really was not up my alley (sorry I should have spared you from that pun… and that one as well).  

I was in a bowling league with some friends during my junior and senior years of high school.  The senior year team chose “The Spanish Inquisition” as our team name and we purged those pins well enough to end up in second place at the end of the season.  I have not bowled in a league since then, but I still have my Gem bowling ball that has traveled with me as I have moved from state to state and house to house over the years.  

The ball may be over 40 years old but it still works and amazingly it still fits! How many Christmas presents still work and fit after that long? I presently went  ruminating through the basement looking for my old bowling ball and bag to use for a company Thanksgiving Turkey-bowl.  I have been bowling maybe 2 times in the last five years but figured I might as well take my own ball it might give the impression that I had some clue as to what I was doing.  So with my old companion with me I stepped onto the lane for my first roll and promptly deposited the ball in the left-side gutter before touching a single pin.  However, I was not deterred.  I refocused my thoughts and tried to remember those glory days from my youth and managed a strike in the second frame and the third frame and the fourth frame and the fifth frame!  I returned to reality after that but finished with a 166 that was, tied for the high score for the outing and was able to help my team bring home turkeys, literally.  

As you look for those last gifts on your shopping list just remember that some gifts will break, some will wear out, some will be outgrown, some will go out of style, but a bowling ball will last forever.

© 2019 LeonardsLines.com

Snow Reminders

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In southwestern Ohio, December has been pretty mild so far.  But, as they say, all good things must come to an end and it appears that winter is starting to make its presence known.  Today started dreary and cool  Early evening has brought lower temperatures and the snow began falling and no doubt has brought life as we know it to an end.  

I am reminded of several things that we should know but somehow we forget annually between the thaw of spring and the first snow.  I have a theory that for many people there is a part of the brain that hibernates or perhaps freezes during the winter so that any knowledge that is gained during the winter months is lost when the brain thaws or awakes from hibernation in the spring.  Whatever the case, here are a few things that the vast majority of people somehow manage to forget and therefore must be reminded of each year when snow comes.

First, 83% of adults forget that bridges freeze before roadways.  Even though a sign attesting to this fact is posted on the majority of the bridges north of the equator year round,  we need news anchors, meteorologists and traffic reporters to remind us with excited amazement one might expect of an announcement for a cure for heart disease that we need to be careful on bridges and overpasses because they freeze first!

Second, 87% of people are unable to recall what a snow plow is used for or what a salt dome looks like.  The first snow is an occasion which requires every field reporter to show up with a cameraman at the salt dome to show us a live picture of snow plows being loaded with salt to head out to treat the roads.  These same people need to be reminded that salt is, in fact, used to melt ice on the roads.

Third, despite the reminders that the roads can be hazardous when it snows, 97% of drivers have completely forgotten how to drive when it snows.  The concepts of “slow-down” and “assured clear distance” are comprehended by the masses to the same degree that classical Greek is understood.

Lastly, 99% of the people,  having zero recollection of one or more of the items above feel some sort of unexplained compulsion to get in their cars and drive to the grocery store to purchase sufficient quantities of milk, bread and eggs to make enough French Toast to feed everyone in China.  These people refuse to accept that deliveries will be made to stores when there is an inch of snow on the ground.

Perhaps you should print this out and put it is a safe place where you can pull it out next year and we can all get off to a smoother start the first time it snows.

© 2019 LeonardsLines.com

Friday Funny December 13, 2019 Elf Jokes

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Happy Friday and Ho! Ho! Ho! Christmas is less than two weeks away and it seems like everyone is busy with Holiday preparations.  Perhaps no one is busier than all the little folks up at the toy shop at the North Pole, the Elves.  So, in their honor here are a few jokes to kick off your weekend.

Enjoy!

Would you call one of Santa’s helpers who is greedy Elfish?

Would you call someone wo makes toy guitars and sings “Blue Christmas” Elfis?

Would you call someone who lives at the North Pole, builds toys and rides in a pumpkin Cinder-Elf-a?

Would you call an Elf who sings a wrapper?

Would you call a holistic Elf doctor a gnome-opath?

When little Elves get home from school do they have to do their gnome work?

Is it true that the most popular car for elves is a Toy-ota?

Is it true that the first thing that Elves have to do when they arrive for work is to YULE LOGon their computer?

How many Elves does it take to change a light bulb?  Ten –  One to change the light bulb and nine to stand on each other’s shoulders.

Does Santa pay Elves with jingle bills?

Did Santa’s helper go to the doctor because he had low “Elf” esteem?

If Santa rides in a sleigh do Elves ride in Mini vans?

On his 1040 does Santa list his status as Elf-employed?

Did Rudolph go to public school or was he Elf-taught?

Do Santa’s Helpers use their phones to take Elfies?

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“The only real blind person at Christmas-time is he who has not Christmas in his heart.” ~ Helen Keller

Memorable Christmas Presents – Tudor Electric Football

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Madden NFL is one of the most popular electronic football games debuted in 1988. According to EA Sports, this game “captures the emotion and intensity of the NFL like never before.” The game allows you to control your favorite teams and NFL superstars and lets you “feel what it’s like to play on Sundays. “ You are in control, you can choose the play, you can call an audible, you can pick the angle from which you watch the game, you can zoom in, you can zoom out. Then when the play is over you can watch a reply from a multitude of angles. In other words, it is just too complicated for an old guy like me.

However, I remember back when John Madden was an actual coach if the Oakland Raiders.  During that time the big item on my Christmas wish list was  a “state of the art” (for that time) football game – Tudor Electric Football. This modern marvel allowed you to play football on a metal field.  The game included plastic players that  were placed on the metal field in formations that allegedly looked “like a real football set-up.”  The “football” was a football-shaped piece of felt that retained the football shape for about two plays out of the box and thereafter looked like a piece of pocket lent.

Ideally there were two players.  Once all the players were set in their proper places on offense and defense the game was turned and then the real magic began.  The switch activated a small electric motor causing the field to vibrate which made the players, as described by the Tudor folks, “move around the field just like real football.” That might be true if real football players were all hooked up to jumper cables carrying 1000 kw. The play was over when a player was “tackled” which was defined as any part of his base being touched by any part of a base of any player on the other team.

Each player was attached to a base with little plastic prongs.  The prongs were there to allow you to guide how they moved, or so they said.  In reality mist players tended to just make odd little circles,  The play continued until the circle of the offensive player with the ball intersected with a circle of one of the defensive players. So, a great deal of time would be taken between each play as I would set-up all my players just the way I needed them for a great play – then as soon as I hit the switch, I would watch them all start jumping around in circles and falling over on their sides.

We would play this for awhile trying to get the game to have some abstract resemblance to “real football.” Then,as now, I would determine this high tech stuff was just too complicated for me.  The result would be something that just is totally shocking today.We would grab a real football shaped football and go to some real grass that was really outside with other real kids where we would try to “move around just like real football” and actually play football.

 

© 2019 LeonardsLines.com