Category Archives: Uncategorized

Friday Funny September 16, 2022 A Few Spare Jokes

Happy Friday!  Let’s kick off the weekend with a few jokes that are sure to be right up your alley! 

Enjoy!

I told my friend I had just landed a job in a bowling alley.  “Ten pin?” He asked. “No” I replied, “it’s permanent.”

I read where “The Bowling-Alley Killer” is still at large, police think he will strike again….

I read a stray about a professional bowler who was accused of stealing, he claims he was framed.

What did one romantic bowling pin say to the other?  “Let’s never split.”

I heard that the animal that likes bowling best is an alley cat.

Last time I went bowling I left my favorite bowling ball at home, fortunately I had a spare.

I heard that old bowlers never die, they just end up in the gutter.

I heard that bowling a better sport than golf – it is a lot harder to lose a bowling ball.

If a bowler is frustrated at not being able to throw a curveball  would you say he was stuck in a dire straight?

I knew this guy who was great at every sport he tried, even bowling, seems he had talent to spare.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“In bowling and in life, if a person made the spares, the strikes would take care of themselves.”~ Stephen King

Friday Funny August 12, 2022 If You Tell Corny Jokes, They Will Laugh (Maybe)

Happy Friday!  This evening, as I prepare this, the “Field of Dreams” Baseball Game is taking place in Iowa between the Reds and Cubs.  So, in honor of Field of Dreams, here are some of the corniest jokes I could find.

Enjoy!

Is it true that melons do not have weddings because they cantaloupe.

Did you hear about the sailor who could not learn the alphabet?  It seems he kept getting lost at C.

Is it true that grass is dangerous because it is full of blades?

Is it true that the best way to tell a dogwood tree is by its bark?

If two snails get into a fight, do they slug it out?

Is it true that the most condescending bear is the pan-duh?

Would you call a priest who becomes a lawyer a father-in-law?

Is it true that cows have hooves and not feet because they lactose?

Is it true that Waldo only wears striped shirts because he doesn’t want to be spotted?

Is it true that pancakes do well at baseball because they have a better batter?

I read that swords will never become obsolete because they are cutting edge technology.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“The earth produces by itself, first the blade, then the ear, then the full grain in the ear. “ ~ Mark 4:28

Friday Funny July 29, 2022 Today I Am Feeling Old

Happy Friday and Happy End of July!  Some days I look around me and I just feel old – today is one of those days.

Enjoy!

I’m so old that I remember when the high beam button was on the floorboard.

I’m so old that I remember having to spin the wheel to make a phone call.

I’m so old that I remember punch cards and even had to use them to write a computer program.

I’m so old that I remember walking across the room to change the TV station – and there were only 3 to choose from.

I‘m so old that I remember having 33, 45 and 78 rpm recordings.

I’m so old that I remember when cutting edge music was on vinyl THEN cassette THEN 8 track THEN CD’s THEN streaming.

I’m so old that I remember using the card catalog and the Readers’ Guide to Periodical Literature.

I’m so old that I remember when baseball cards came with a stick of very hard bubblegum.

I’m so old that I remember mimeograph pages and thermal faxes.

I’m so old that I remember when Saturday morning was about the only time you could see cartoons.

I’m so old I remember when the Borden Milk Man delivered to your door.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“I am so old that I can remember when other people’s achievements were considered to be an inspiration, rather than a grievance.” ~ Thomas Sowell

Friday Funny July 8, 2022 Computer Jokes

Happy Friday! Computers have infiltrated pretty much every aspect of our life, so we might as well have some computer jokes as well.

Enjoy!

Is it true that the computer was tired when it got home because if had had a hard drive?

Is it true that the computer crossed the road because it was programmed by a chicken?

If you crossed a computer programmer with an athlete, would you get a disk-us thrower?

Did the computer sneeze because if had a virus?

When computers get hungry do they eat chips?

The other day I went to a restaurant and a computer came up to me and said, “I’ll be your server today.”

My co-workers call me “The Computer”.  It has nothing to do with my intelligence. I just go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes

If you think that your computer, laptop and phone spying on you is scary then think again, because your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.

Is it true that after work computer programmers go out and grab a byte?

Our computers went down at work today so we had to do everything manually.  It took me a few minutes to shuffle the cards for Solitaire.

I was going to tell more jokes about computers, but they are not very PC.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Never trust a computer you can’t throw out a window” ~Steve Wozniak

Friday Funny July 2, 2022 Jokes for 4th

Happy Friday and Happy 4th of July.  Wishing you a happy and safe holiday weekend.

Enjoy!

Why are there so few knock-knock jokes about America?

Because freedom rings!

What kind of tea did the American colonists drink?

Liber-tea!

What did the colonists wear to the Boston Tea Party?

Tea-shirts!

 Who was the biggest jokester in George Washington’s army?

Laugh-ayette!

Why were the first Americans like ants?

They lived in colonies!

Why did Paul Revere ride his horse from Boston to Lexington?

Because the horse was too heavy to carry!

What is the best sport to play on the 4th of July?

Flag football.

What did the ghost say on the 4th of July?

 “Red, White and Boo!”

Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? 

At the bottom of the page!

Why did George Washington have trouble sleeping? 

Because he could not lie!

 THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“I like to see a man proud of the place in which he lives. I like to see a man live so that his place will be proud of him.” ~ Abraham Lincoln

Friday Funny May 6, 2022 Mothers’ Day

Happy Friday!  Don’t forget that this Sunday is Mother’s Day.

Enjoy!

Would you call a mom who can’t draw – Tracy?

Is it true that the baby strawberry cried because his mom was in a jam?

Are computers so smart because they listen to their motherboards?

Did you hear about the pirate who could not call his mother because she left the phone off the hook?

What did the mama tomato say to the baby tomato? Catch up!

It seems like everybody wants to save the earth but nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes.

Motherhood is like a fairy tale, but in reverse. You start out in a beautiful ball gown and end up in stained rags cleaning up after little people.

Good moms let their kids lick the blades on the hand mixer. Great moms turn the mixer off first.

Is it true that Mom’s favorite kind of candy for Mother’s Day is Her-she’s Kisses?

I bought my Mom a mug which says, “Happy Mother’s day from the World’s Worst Son”.
I forgot to mail it but I think she knows.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“If evolution really works, how come Mothers only have two hands?” ~-Milton Berle

Friday Funny April 8, 2022 Baseball Jokes for Opening Weekend

Happy Friday! Flowers are started to bloom, trees are started to leaf out and baseball is back. So let’s lead off the weekend with some baseball jokes.

Enjoy!

If the Kool-aid Man was on your baseball team would he be a Relief Pitcher?

I heard about an opera singer who made it to the big leagues – seems he had perfect pitch.

I wanted to wear Adidas to play baseball, but they would not let me bat – apparently it is three stripes and you’re out.

Things have gotten ridiculous, my son’s youth baseball game was rained out and they gave him a precipitation trophy.

The other day I saw a giant mouse so I tried killing it with a baseball bat – now I have a lifetime ban from Disneyworld.

I heard about a baseball player who went to the local library.  He was only there five minutes; it was a short stop.

If you crossed a tree with a baseball player, would you get Babe Root?

If a baseball player wanted to make a bake a cake would he use oven mitts, bundt pans and batter?

Did you hear about the baseball player who tried to wash his socks in the bleachers?

I heard that Mario Mendoza shut down his website because he was not getting enough hits.

If you crossed a baseball pitcher with a carpet would you get throw rug?

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Every strike brings me closer to the next home run.” ~ Babe Ruth

A Tank Full of Money?

This evening, I heard a commercial on the radio for an app that will pay you cash for buying gas. Since almost everyone buys gas, it seems like a great idea. The cheerful lady on the commercial said that I could earn up to $0.25 a gallon! The second lady asks if it it really worth it and the first lady happily states that she earns up to $300 a month! Who would not want to earn an extra $300 a month?

A little math will show that if you want to earn that $300 you better like to drive – a lot. Because you will have little time to do anything other than drive! The BEST case is $0.25 a gallon. So to earn $300, you need to buy 1,200 gallons. A quick search of the internet tells me that the average miles per gallon in the US is 24.2 MPG. So, to burn 1,200 gallons, you would need to drive 29,040 miles A MONTH! If you average 60 miles per hour, you would spend 484 hours driving or just over 16 hours a day for a 30 day month. I guess if you have 2 cars you and your spouse could drive 8 hours every day. Unless you job is driving a truck or an Uber, it is hard to fit in a job while driving 8 hours a day.

However, that is the BEST case, the internet also states that the average savings using this app is more like $0.07. At this savings rate, you would need to by 4,286 gallons, driving 103,714 miles and spending 1,729 hours driving at 60 mpg or 57 hours a day during a 30 day month. If you have 7 drivers in your family or own a small trucking company with 7 trucks, you could get the driving back down to about 8 hours a day.

Plus, the app is not available at all stations so you might have to pay more for you gas to begin with. As “they” say – if something sounds too good to be true ….

The Night Before Christmas In The Digital Age

Merry Christmas Eve! Wishing you and yours a very Merry Christmas!

Since this Friday is Christmas Eve, I thought I would dust this one off yet again.  So, again, with apologies Clement Clarke Moore, here is my adaptation of his classic for the digital age.

Enjoy!

‘Twas the day before Christmas, when at my house

I was at the computer, moving the mouse;

It was time for another Friday Funny, does anyone care

If in the morning, the email inbox has a funny there?

Two of my boys were still nestled all snug in their beds,

While visions of homemade cookies danced in their heads;

While mamma was working, I was off for the day,

It seemed like there was nothing funny for me to say,

When out on the Internet there arose such a clatter,

I sprang to my browser to see what was the matter.

Away to another window I flew like a flash,

Hoping as always that my computer would not crash.

The back-lighting of the monitor produced a glow

Which gave a slight luster to objects below,

As I wondered from web site to web site what should appear,

But a miniature sleigh jpg, complete with reindeer,

With a little driver icon, so lively and quick, I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.

More rapid than dsl downloads his cursers they came,

And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;

“Now, Yahoo! now, Google! now, Facebook and Amazon!

On, ebay! on youtube! on, myspace and ask.com!

To the top of the screen! to the top of the wall!

Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!”

As deleted lines that before the backspace button fly,

When they meet with a click, mount to the sky,

So up to the screen-top the cursers they flew,

With a file full of toys, and St. Nicholas too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the speaker

The prancing and pawing of each little squeaker.

As I drew in my hand, and was scrolling around,

Downloading an mpeg, St. Nicholas came with a bound.

He was digitally dressed from his head to his foot,

And his clothes were photo-shopped with ashes and soot;

A bundle of toys he had superimposed on his back,

And he looked like a Trojan file just opening his pack.

His eyes — they pulsated! his dimples they grew!

His cheeks had roses painted on them, his nose was blue!

His droll little mouth transfigured to a bow,

And the beard of his chin turned into white snow;

His pipe was a tree stump he held tight in his teeth,

And the smoke wafted up and became a green wreath;

He had a broad face and a little round belly,

That shook, when he laughed and turned into jelly.

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,

And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;

Two winking eyes and a fast spinning head,

Soon gave me to know I had no virus to dread;

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,

He backed up my hard drive; then turned with a jerk,

And laying his finger aside of his nose,

And giving a nod, up the window he rose;

He sprang to his jpg, to his team gave a whistle,

And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.

But I heard him exclaim, ere he deleted his cookie from sight,

“Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.”

© 2019 LeonardsLines.com

I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day

This one is a “rerun” but still very appropriate.

At this time of the year, we are bombarded by holiday music.  Some stations have had Christmas music nonstop since the end of November.  Perhaps, like me, you find yourself singing along once in a while with one of your favorites.  Perhaps certain songs bring back a special Christmas memory.  Perhaps, by now, you have just become numb as all the songs have just blended into white noise in the background.

Yet, even though we cannot get away from the Holiday songs, do we really “hear” them?  Even though we might sing along with the lyrics, do we really “know” them?  One song comes to my mind today.  It is a song that you hear occasionally this time of year, “I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day.”  

These lyrics were written by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow on Christmas Day 1863.  He wrote at a time that this country was torn by Civil War and just several weeks after his son had been severely wounded in the war.  He wrote it not too long after he had lost his wife in an accidental fire.  Mr. Wadsworth’s world was not full of candy canes and gum drops, it was full of hurt and pain just like the world that we live in.  Yet, he did not let his gloom get the best of him, he struggled on until he could hear those “bells peal more loud and deep.”  This Christmas Eve my wish to you is that you might hear “a voice, a chime, a chant sublime, Of peace on earth, good will to men.”

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day
Their old familiar carols play,
And wild and sweet the words repeat
Of peace on earth, good will to men.

I thought how, as the day had come,
The belfries of all Christendom
Had rolled along the unbroken song
Of peace on earth, good will to men.

And in despair I bowed my head:
“There is no peace on earth,” I said,
“For hate is strong and mocks the song
Of peace on earth, good will to men.”

Then pealed the bells more loud and deep:
“God is not dead, nor doth he sleep;
The wrong shall fail, the right prevail,
With peace on earth, good will to men.”

Till, ringing singing, on its way,
The world revolved from night to day,
A voice, a chime, a chant sublime,
Of peace on earth, good will to men!