Category Archives: Uncategorized

Friday Funny June 12, 2020 Jokes At A Distance

Happy Friday!  Hoping this finds you well.  If you are getting a little tired of social distancing, I cannot change your circumstances but perhaps I can help you laugh at them for a moment.

Enjoy!

I’ve been practicing social distancing for so long that Sasquatch has a blurry picture of me hanging on his wall.

During this time of social distancing, I decided to become an entrepreneur in the coal industry.  Yep, I am mining my own business.

To fill the time while social distancing, I started a band called The Introverted Pessimists.  You’ve probably never heard of us, but that’s fine with me.

I heard schools are developing a new course on this whole distancing thing.  They will call it “anti-social studies.”

Is it true that pirates agree with each other over long distances by using their aye-phones?

Is it true that elephants communicate over long distances by elephone?

I heard that Flat Earthers are not very fond of all this social distancing.  They think it might push some over the edge.

Speaking of distancing, if Elon Musk’s space company establishes a Mars colony, and you had a girlfriend on mars, but later break up because of long distance, would she be called your Space X?

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Love is essential, gregariousness is optional.” ~ Susan Cain, Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking

A Little Internet Distraction

I am spending more time on the internet these days to try to stay connected in this time of social distancing and my guess is that you might be doing the same.  After reading the latest news you might need a quick distraction from all the doom and gloom and I am here to help.  This activity only takes a minute and can be done numerous times throughout the day.  

It appears that one of the greatest evils today is that one is offended by something.  So when you are on the Internet, go to Yahoo and scroll down.  For the first five ads that you see. click on the three dots that are on the right across from the ad headline.  Three options should appear: Why This Ad/Ad Feedback/Advertise with us.  Select the middle option – Ad Feedback.  The first option under Ad Feedback is “It is Offensive to Me.”  Click the circle next to this option, then hit the “Done” button.  Just pick the first five ads that appear each time you go on the internet.  Tonight here are the first five ads that appeared for me.

25 Stocks You Should Sell Immediately

Device Powers A Whole American City – for Free

Unclaimed Mega Millions Ticket Worth $1.5 Billion

20230 Hyundai Santa Fe – The Price May Surprise You

There Is A Secret Bunker in the Virginia Mountains

My offense has been recorded once again.  I am sure that there will be immediate actions to soothe my delicate psyche.

 

 

 

 

Friday Funny May 1, 2020 Humor on the Cutting Edge

Happy Friday and good job making it through another week of self-isolation!  Chances are that you are getting along better than your hair might be with all the barber shops and beauty parlors closed.  While you might not be able to get your hair cut, you can chuckle at a few barber jokes,

Enjoy!

Would you call a group of men waiting for a haircut a barber-cue?

Do barbers keep their money in a shavings account?

I was held hostage at a barber shop once. It was a pretty hairy situation.

The other day I told my wife that I wanted to open up a barber shop.  All she said was “Cut it out.”

I just might open a barber shop on the top floor of a fancy hotel and call it “A Cut Above the Rest.”

My barber recently started giving free eyebrow trims to anyone getting a haircut.  Everyone looked surprised.

I decided to switch to a new barber.  My old one just wasn’t cutting it.

The first new barber I tried out was a bit of a redneck.  As soon as I sat down in the chair I could tell something was wrong, I  got up quickly and walked out.  I think I may have just  dodged a mullet.

Old executives at Hair Club for Men never die, they just keep plugging away.

I have some more jokes, but I will shave them for later.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.” ~ Sam Ewing

Friday Funny April 17, 2020 My Social Distancing Playlist

Happy Friday!  Hoping this finds you healthy and coping.  Times continue to be rather crazy and we all find different ways to cope.  I enjoy listening to music.  So, this week I thought I would share my playlist for social distancing along with a few lines from each song.  I will admit the songs are rather dated, but then so am I!

Enjoy!

  • Pablo Cruise – Place in the Sun –Everybody’s pannin’ for gold/ and you can find it for a price/Love always promises to last forever/ but sometimes it just don’t work out/’Cause laughing lighthearted tunes/oh, sometimes they turn to blues/So tell yourself a joke or two/’cause every day invites you/To find your place in the sun
  • Average White Bank – Pick Up the Pieces – Pick up the pieces, uh-huh/Pick up the pieces, alright/Pick up the pieces, uh-huh/Pick up the pieces, woo!
  • Boz Scaggs- What Can I Say – (What can I say)/Oh to make you know baby/(What can I do)/Oooh show you that I care/(What can I say)
  • Beatles – Please Mr. Postman – Wait, oh yes wait a minute mister postman/Wait, wait mister postman/Mister postman look and see/Is there a letter in your bag for me
  • Player – Baby Comer Back – All day long, I’m wearin’ a mask of false bravado/Tryin’ to keep up a smile that hides a tear/But as the sun goes down, I get that empty feelin’ again
  • Boston – More Than A Feeling – So many people have come and gone/Their faces fade as the years/go by/Yet I still recall as I wander on/As clear as the sun in the summer sky/It’s more than a feeling
  • Rex Smith – Take My Breath Away -You, you take my breath away/And I don’t know what to say/’Cause you take my breath away
  • Donnie Osmond – Go Away Little Girl – So, go away little girl/Let’s call it a day little girl/Please, go away little girl/Before I beg you to stay
  • Barbara Streisand – The Way We Were – Mem’ries,Light the corners of my mind/Misty water-colored memories/Of the way we were
  • Starship – Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now – Let ’em say we’re crazy, I don’t care about that/put your hand in my hand, baby, don’t ever look back/let the world around us just fall apart/baby we can make it if we’re heart-to-heart
  • Andrew Gold – Lonely Boy– “They dressed him up warmly/they sent him to school/
    It taught him how to fight/to be nobody’s fool/Oh, oh, what a lonely boy
  • Eric Carmen – All By Myself – Livin’ alone/I think of all the friends I’ve known.
    But when I dial the telephone/Nobody’s home.
  • Sly and the Family Stone – Thank You Falettinme Be Mice Elf Agin – Dance to the music all night long/Everyday people sing their simple song/Mama’s so happy, Mama starts to cry/Papa’s still singing, you can make it if you try/I want to thank you falettinme be mice elf agin
  • Three Dog Night – Mama Told Me (Not To Come) –This is the craziest party that could ever be/Don’t turn on the lights ’cause I don’t wanna see/Mama told me not to come
  • Aerosmith – Walk This Way –  ‘Cause she knew what she was doin’/When she told me how to walk this way/She told me to/Walk this way
  • The Sylvers- Boogie Fever –She’s got the boogie fever/She likes to boogie down
    She’s got the boogie fever/I think it’s going around
  • Gloria Gaynor – I Will Survive – “I’ve got all my life to live/ I’ve got all my love to give/
    And I’ll survive, I will survive, I will survive.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“I may not overcome the inevitable, but O, it is mine to see that the inevitable does not overcome me.” ~Muriel Strode (1875–1964), My Little Book of Prayer, 1904

http://WWW.QUOTEGARDEN.COM

Friday Funny April 10, 2020 Always Proofread.

Happy Friday!  Congratulations of making it through another week of social distancing!  These are indeed unusual times for all of us.  Why not kick off your weekend with a laugh?  Below are some interesting newspaper corrections that I dug up.

Enjoy!  Best Wishes for Easter and Passover!!

“In a Sunday Image article about hyaluronic acid, a skin-care ingredient and injectable filler, Dr. Nowell Solish was quoted as saying that if people change their minds after receiving an injection, there is an anecdote. It should have quoted him as saying there is an antidote.”

“There was an error printed in a story titled ‘Pigs float down the Dawson’ on Page 11 of yesterday’s Bully. The story, by reporter Daniel Burdon, said ‘more than 30,000 pigs were floating down the Dawson River’. What Baralaba piggery owner Sid Everingham actually said was ’30 sows and pigs’, not ’30,000 pigs’. The Morning Bulletin would like to apologise for this error, which was also reprinted in today’s Rural Weekly CQ before the mistake was known.”

“The candidate likes to spend his free time reading Tolstoy, and not watching Toy Story, as originally reported”

“In a recipe for salsa published recently, one of the ingredients was misstated, due to an error.  The correct ingredient is ‘2 tsp. of cilantro’ istead of ‘2 tsp. of cement.”

“A headline on an item in the Feb. 5 edition of the Enquirer Bulletin incorrectly stated ‘Stolen groceries.’ It should have read ‘Homicide.’

“An April 5 story stated that Mary Fraijo did not return a reporter’s calls seeking comment. Fraijo died last December.”

“There was an error in the Dear Abby column that was published on Monday.  In the fifth paragraph. the second sentence stated that Charlie’s hiccups were cured temporarily through the use of carbon monoxide. It should have read carbon dioxide.”

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“The life of every man is a diary in which he means to write one story, and writes another. \” ~ James Matthew Barrie

http://WWW.QUOTEGARDEN.COM

Smiles Are Contagious Too

We are probably all getting a bit stir-crazy, a bit fatigued and a bit concerned about what is going on in the world.  The world is in flux and there is a lot of uncertainly.  Yet in the midst of all of this, let me suggest something that is contagious and worth sharing – a smile.  While we are all practicing social distancing we can still acknowledge one another.  A wave, a nod, a smile will cost you nothing and will help brighten the world just a little bit.

I started running a couple of decades ago.  Running tends to be a rather solitary experience, thus I spend a nice chunk of time outside by myself.  I think this is pretty typical for runners.  Runners tend to welcome the momentary distraction of a wave, a smile and a “hello” as we pass on the road.  I seldom find that I get ignored by another runner, if I am ignored it tends to be a younger, really serious runner who is so focused on the run that he or she is trying to block out all distractions and “find the zone.” 

However, I am a bit amazed by how often I am ignored when I am out running.  I will look up, nod and wave to anyone I see, but this is not always returned.  I live in a residential area, and there is never a crowd of people out.  So, I find it interesting that some folks simply ignore my existence or pull up the phone to look at it the moment we pass.  I like dogs but I am a little perturbed by the folks that have to talk to their dog the moment we pass so that they can ignore me.

These days it seems that there are more people out walking in my neighborhood. So as I run or walk I will look up at anyone I pass and smile and say “hello” I hope you will do the same and maybe in spite of all else that is going on, we can be a little more friendly to each other.  Share a smile and pass it on.

 

Television Portrays Current Crises in Episode that Aired in 1995

“Sliders” was a television show that aired for five seasons (1995 – 2000).  I tend to like different, quirky TV shows and “Sliders”, especially the first few seasons fit that description.  The story centered on a young genius named Quinn Mallory.  While Quinn was working on an anti-gravity machine, he accidentally creates a portal that allows travel to parallel universes. Of course things go wrong and Quinn, a close friend/love interest, his favorite professor and a blues singer who just happened to be driving by get sucked into the worm hole.  They cannot control where they go, but they have a device that informs them how long before they leap into the next universe. They are always in San Francisco, just different versions of San Francisco as they try to stay together and alive until they can move on.

Episode 4 of the first season was titled “the Fever.”  In this episode the Sliders race to find a cure for a deadly plague that is consuming the inhabitants of that universe.  The plague was released by “Patient Zero” who happens to be the Quinn of that world.  Of course there are some twists and turns long the way. 

I happen to have a couple of seasons on DVD, so I pulled out this episode to watch it again last week, I found it rather intriguing, perhaps I should watch all the other episodes to help me plan for the future?

Below is a five minute YouTube synopsis of the episode. 

 

Fun With Telemarketers While Stuck at Home

As Mark Twin once observed, “We are cursed to live in interesting times.”  Things lately have definitely gotten “interesting.”  It appears that the majority of us are sort of stuck at home for  the time being.  We might miss the interaction with other people that we were used to.  In our effort to fill that void there might be some help from an unlikely source – telemarketers. With  a little preparation you can turn what used to be an annoying interruption into a welcome diversion.

These days a ,lot of robocalls are so-called smart robocalls, they are setup to make you think that it is alive person on the other end; however it simply has built in responses to common questions.  “Is Betty there?” or “I was about to give up on someone answering” are a couple of ways these calls tend to start.  If I get one of these calls, I try to see how quickly I can ask questions that the program has no response for.  Asking “Who were you calling?” usually begins to send the program off track.  You could ask anything, the more offbeat the better.  The goal when you get one of these is to get the “recording” to hang up on you in three questions or less. 

The process is more challenging and potentially more fun when there is a real person that you are talking to.  Your options here are limited only by your imagination.  Here are a few ideas to get you started:

Ask him/her if he/she has ever met Jake from State Farm and if he/she might be wearing khakis?

If you are asked “How are you today?” Say  “I’m so glad you asked because no one seems to understand me these days and then tell them, in minute detail, about your last trip to the grocery store.

If he/she states they are John/Joan Smith from Acme Company, ask them to spell their name.  Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is>> located.  Ask them how the weather is there, ask them if they can find toilet paper and bread at the grocery.  Ask them if they took their temperature before going to work.  Ask them if there is anyone within six feet. Keep asking questions as long as you get answers.

When they tell you their name, cry out in surprise, “John/Joan  Is that really you? Oh my goodness!  It certainly has been a long time!  Are the authorities still looking for you? 

If they say you qualify for a lower rate on your credit card, tell them that is great becasue you really do not have a clue what your balance is and you just throw the statements away when they come.   

Tell the telemarketer that with all this Covid-19 stuff going on, you are not suppossed to leave the house, so ask the telemarketer if you are on “home incarceration” and ask if they would swing by the grocery and bring you a few things.

Tell the him/her that at the moment you are working from home but if he/she will give you their HOME phone number, you will call back as soon as you are off work.

No matter what they say, insist that the caller is really your buddy Bill/Betty playing a  joke on you.“Come on Bill/Betty, cut it out!  Seriously, remember when we were in high school and used to make prank calls?”

If they say they are from Microsoft or Apple, tell them it is about time, you have been waiting for their call and make up questions around bogus tech lingo. “I think I got a faulty Flux Capacitors in my device. Should I swap out my old mother board for a new one with anamantium chips?”

Tell them that someone is at your door and ask “Can you hold on a minute?”  Walk a couple of feet away from the phone and then begin an argument with the fictitious visitor. Come back in a couple of minutes to see if they are still on the line. Repeat.

Every time you are asked a question or there is a pause in the conversation say, “I know who you are and I saw what you did.”

Tell the person that you are currently running for President and ask them if they would be willing to make a $25 donation to your campaign.

My Big Game Challenge

We are smack dab in the middle of the hype for the Big Game (like Valdemort only the fearless dare write the words “Super Bowl”).  I have  seen stories on the national network news  about who will sing the National Anthem; I have heard commercials for the morning shows talking about what the commercials will be during the game;  I have seen ads for how to make your Big Game party the best Big Game party ever.  It seems like everywhere you turn there is a Big Game Challenge.  Well here is my big game challenge – just say no – don’t watch it.

Call me crazy, but let’s be ultra radical, counter cultural rebels this year and just ignore the whole thing.  Let me say that I was ahead of my time on this one.  It has nothing to do with politics, I stopped watching the Super Bowl years ago.  Why?  Because this whole thing has gotten completely out of control.  This is a football game, albeit a very big championship game, but it is still a football game.  And why do people gather to watch this particular football game? Apparently  they spend a lot of money on food and invite people over to watch commercials and a half-time show that would make Milli Vanilli look good!  People spend time, effort and money to host a party to watch commercials?  And you think I’m the crazy one here??

A number of years ago, I awoke on the Sunday of the Big Game, turned on the TV BEFORE going to church and the pregame show had already started.  The game would not be starting for more than twelve hours.  That day, a little light went on for me and I decided I would never watch another Super Bowl.  I will flip to the station a time or two or check the score on the internet, but I refuse to watch the game.  (I will make an exception if the Bengals ever make it back, but hey what are the odds of that ever happening?)

Think about it, this week we will hear all the questions about the Big Game, some might even make sense; however someone will probably come up with a gem like the one that was asked Dallas running back Emmitt Smith prior to Super Bowl XXVII.  A brilliant journalist asked him, “What are you going to wear in the game Sunday?”

Admittedly many people watch the game for the commercials.  This Sunday advertisers will pay over $5 million for a thirty-second commercial.  For Super Bowl I, that same amount of money would have bought most of the time that the game aired. If any of the commercials are good, I can always watch them on You Tube.

Some people watch it for the half-time show which is supposedly one of the most watched events in the country.  Early on, the halftime featured college and high school marching bands.  Over the years the halftime show has featured Al Hirt three times, Carol Channing twice, Up With People a record four times, Michael Jackson and wardrobe malfunction sister Janet, Diana Ross, Blues Brothers and who could forget 1989 when halftime featured, Elvis Presto an Elvis impersonator AND a magician!  In 2012 three million more people watched the halftime show than watched the game!  Maybe this is not a championship football game with a halftime show; maybe it is a fifteen minute show with half a football game before and after it?  

Just for fun – here is the Up With People halftime show from Super Bowl XVI which the Bengals actually played in.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pxK3qTsj_eE

Come be a rebel and join me in my quixotic quest, we can change the world one television set at a time.

Friday Funny January 24, 2020 Church Painting

Happy Friday!  The days are getting a little longer as we have moved a month away from the shortest day of the year.  Longer days and warmer temperatures are on the way – it will just take a couple of more months for them to get here.  In the meantime here is a little story ab a little church that needed painting.

Enjoy!

Pastor Painting The Church

Once upon a time there was a quaint little church out in the countryside: it was painted white and had a a high steeple.

One day, the pastor noticed that the church needed some attention, the paint was starting to crack and peel.  However, funds were quite tight, so it would have to wait.  A few days later he noticed that the local hardware store was running a sale on paint.  So, he thought this must be a sign and he went into town and bought a few gallons of white paint hoping that it would be enough to paint the entire building.

The next Saturday he got to the task of painting.  As he finished the first side. All was well and it was looking great. However, he noticed he had already used more than half of his supply of paint. He really did not have the time or the funds run back in town for more paint.  He looked around the church shed and found a gallon of thinner.  So, he began to thin his paint hoping to have enough to complete the task.

It seemed to work out fine.  He finished the remaining three sides and admired his work when he was done.  However, that night, a big thunderstorm rolled through with lots of heavy rain. The next morning when he stepped outside of the parsonage to his dismay he noticed that the first side still looked good, but that the paint on the other three sides had been washed away.

Distraught, the pastor looked up at sky in anguish and cried out, “What shall I do?”A moment later a booming voice came back from the heavens saying, “Repaint! repaint! and thin no more!”

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

‘Don’t let your worries get the best of you; remember, Moses started out as a basket case.’