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Friday Funny, February 3, 2023 Some Random Jokes

Happy Friday and Happy February!  2023 is already 8% over! I hope the year is off to a good start for you.  Let’s kick off the weekend with some random jokes chosen especially for you.

Enjoy!

I heard that when rainbows are bad they get sent to Prism, but it is a light sentence.

Here is an easy way to tell the gender of an ant. Put it in a glass of water. If it sinks it’s a girl ant. If it floats it’s buoyant.

I was reading a story about a claustrophobic astronaut, apparently he just needed some space.

I like jokes about stationery, but rulers are where I draw the line.

If 70% of the earth is water, and virtually none of it is carbonated, could we say that the earth is, in fact, flat?

This morning I saw a person dragging a clam on a leash behind him and it occurred to me that it  must be hard to walk with a pulled mussel. 

As part of my New Year’s routine, I have started doing crunches twice a day. Captain in the morning. Nestle in the afternoon. 

Did you know that you can hear the blood in your veins? You just have to listen varicosely. 

Did you hear the one about the donut that went to the Dentist? It needed a filling.

Would you call a dog that has been run over by a steamroller, Spot?

I have been a bookkeeper for 10 years.  The library is not very happy about it.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“A wise man will make more opportunities than he finds.” ~Francis Bacon (1561–1626)

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Friday Funny December 30, 2022 Jokes To Ring In 2023

Happy last Friday of 2022!  Here is wishing you a great 2023!

Enjoy!

What did the woman say when she was offered a raisin on New Year’s Eve? “No thanks, I already have a date.”

I still cannot understand why people flock to Times Square on New Year’s Eve. They always drop the ball.

My resolution for the New Year is to read more, so I turned on the subtitles on my TV.

My wife still hasn’t told me what my New Year’s resolutions are.

Where can you find comedians at a New Year’s Eve party? In the punchline.

Why do you need a jeweler on December 31st? To ring in the New Year.

Is it true that the spider’s New Year’s resolution was to spend less time on the web?

Is it true that Frankenstein’s New Year’s resolution is to make new friends?

My New Year’s Resolution is to give up aerosol deodorant –  in the new year. Roll on 2023!!

For several years, my annual New Year’s Resolution has been to work on my novel. But THIS year I will do it, I only have a few chapters left to read! 

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

” Be always at war with your vices, at peace with your neighbors, and let each new year find you a better man.” ~ Benjamin Franklin“

The Night Before Christmas In The Digital Age

It is Christmas Eve, so time for me once again to apologize to Clement Clarke Moore and share my adaptation of his classic for the digital age.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Enjoy!

‘Twas the day before Christmas, when at my house

I was at the computer, moving the mouse;

It was time for another Friday Funny, does anyone care

If in the morning, the email inbox has a funny there?

Two of my boys were still nestled all snug in their beds,

While visions of homemade cookies danced in their heads;

While mamma was working, I was off for the day,

It seemed like there was nothing funny for me to say,

When out on the Internet there arose such a clatter,

I sprang to my browser to see what was the matter.

Away to another window I flew like a flash,

Hoping as always that my computer would not crash.

The back-lighting of the monitor produced a glow

Which gave a slight luster to objects below,

As I wondered from web site to web site what should appear,

But a miniature sleigh jpg, complete with reindeer,

With a little driver icon, so lively and quick, I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.

More rapid than dsl downloads his cursers they came,

And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;

“Now, Yahoo! now, Google! now, Facebook and Amazon!

On, ebay! on youtube! on, myspace and ask.com!

To the top of the screen! to the top of the wall!

Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!”

As deleted lines that before the backspace button fly,

When they meet with a click, mount to the sky,

So up to the screen-top the cursers they flew,

With a file full of toys, and St. Nicholas too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the speaker

The prancing and pawing of each little squeaker.

As I drew in my hand, and was scrolling around,

Downloading an mpeg, St. Nicholas came with a bound.

He was digitally dressed from his head to his foot,

And his clothes were photo-shopped with ashes and soot;

A bundle of toys he had superimposed on his back,

And he looked like a Trojan file just opening his pack.

His eyes — they pulsated! his dimples they grew!

His cheeks had roses painted on them, his nose was blue!

His droll little mouth transfigured to a bow,

And the beard of his chin turned into white snow;

His pipe was a tree stump he held tight in his teeth,

And the smoke wafted up and became a green wreath;

He had a broad face and a little round belly,

That shook, when he laughed and turned into jelly.

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,

And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;

Two winking eyes and a fast spinning head,

Soon gave me to know I had no virus to dread;

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,

He backed up my hard drive; then turned with a jerk,

And laying his finger aside of his nose,

And giving a nod, up the window he rose;

He sprang to his jpg, to his team gave a whistle,

And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.

But I heard him exclaim, ere he deleted his cookie from sight,

“Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.”

© 2019 LeonardsLines.com

Friday Funny December 23, 2022 Christmas Quotes

Happy Friday! Happy Hannukah! Merry Christmas!  The forecast where I am has the weather turning quite frightful for the next day or so. But let me send warm wishes to you and yours this weekend!

Enjoy!

Leonard

“Remember that the important thing is not what you give, or how you wrap it. The important thing, during this very special time of year, is that you save the receipt.” ~ Dave Barry

“I bought my brother some gift wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.” ~ Steven Wright

“Santa Claus has the right idea — visit people only once a year.”~ Victor Borge

 “I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph.” ~ Shirley Temple

 “It’s Christmas Eve! It’s the one night of the year when we all act a little nicer, we smile a little easier, we cheer a little more. For a couple of hours out of the whole year, we are the people that we always hoped we would be.” ~ Bill Murray – Scrooged

 “People really act weird at Christmas time! What other time of year do you sit in front of a dead tree in the living room and eat nuts and sweets out of your socks?” ~ Unknown

 “Christmas is a time when you get homesick, even if you’re home.” ~ Carol Nelson

 “I wish we could put some of our Christmas spirit in jars and open one up every month.” ~ Unknown

“He who has not Christmas in his heart will never find it under a tree.” ~ Roy L. Smith

“A good holiday is one spent among people whose notions of time are vaguer than yours.” ~John B. Priestly

“Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the Holiday Season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we see a shopper emerge from the mall, then we follow her, in very much the same spirit as the Three Wise Men, who 2,000 years ago followed a star, week after week, until it led them to a parking space.” ~ Dave Berry

“As we struggle with shopping lists and invitations, compounded by December’s bad weather, it is good to be reminded that there are people in our lives who are worth this aggravation, and people to whom we are worth the same.” ~ Donald E. Westlake

“Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present.” ~Unknown

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

And the angel said to them, “Fear not, for behold, I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. – Luke 2:10

Friday Funny November 11, 2022 Military Jokes for Veterans Day

Happy Friday and a special Happy Veterans Day to all those who have served!

Enjoy!

You know that a veteran has been making chocolate chips cookies when you find a find a lot of M&M shells on the floor.

Is it true that when a veteran cooks dinner that he seasons the food with pepper spray and a salt rifle?

If a cow joined the army would they issue her a cow-moo-flage uniform?

If the military developed a new weapon-grade variety of laser would it be an ultra-violent light?

Is it true that you cannot be in the military if you are on Twitter because they do not want people who are quick to retweet?

Where do Generals keep their armies? In their sleevies.

Would you call a high-ranking soldier who hates recycling General Waste?

If a deer enlisted in the Air Force would he be a Bombar(deer)?

Did you hear about the professional artist who was discharged from the Marines?  It seems the only thing he could do was draw fire.

What do Marines have in common with other members of the Armed Forces? They all originally set out to become Marines.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“The soldier above all others prays for peace, for it is the soldier who must suffer and bear the deepest wounds and scars of war.” — General Douglas MacArthur

Friday Funny October 21, 2022 Jokes You Need Not Fear.

Happy Friday!  We are starting to see a lot of spooky decorations on houses and horror movies on TV, but here are some jokes that you have no need to fear.

Enjoy!

If you have an irrational fear of Vietnamese soup, is that a Pho-bia?

If you have an irrational fear of Giants, do you have Fi Fo-bia?

If you have an irrational fear of overengineered buildings arranged near each other is that a complex complex complex?

I have developed an irrational fear of agoraphobics. Fortunately, I don’t see them out that much.

I have developed an irrational fear of elevators and I am taking steps to avoid them.

I have developed an irrational fear of airline boarding queues, it appears to be a terminal illness.

I have developed an irrational fear of playing cards, but I a dealing with it.

I have developed an irrational fear of negative numbers and I will stop at nothing to avoid them.

I have developed an irrational fear about this recession and I fear that I may go bald.

I was hesitant to send out a bunch of phobia jokes, I was afraid no one would think they were funny.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“I’m not afraid of storms, for I’m learning how to sail my ship.”~-Louisa May Alcott

Friday Funny September 16, 2022 A Few Spare Jokes

Happy Friday!  Let’s kick off the weekend with a few jokes that are sure to be right up your alley! 

Enjoy!

I told my friend I had just landed a job in a bowling alley.  “Ten pin?” He asked. “No” I replied, “it’s permanent.”

I read where “The Bowling-Alley Killer” is still at large, police think he will strike again….

I read a stray about a professional bowler who was accused of stealing, he claims he was framed.

What did one romantic bowling pin say to the other?  “Let’s never split.”

I heard that the animal that likes bowling best is an alley cat.

Last time I went bowling I left my favorite bowling ball at home, fortunately I had a spare.

I heard that old bowlers never die, they just end up in the gutter.

I heard that bowling a better sport than golf – it is a lot harder to lose a bowling ball.

If a bowler is frustrated at not being able to throw a curveball  would you say he was stuck in a dire straight?

I knew this guy who was great at every sport he tried, even bowling, seems he had talent to spare.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“In bowling and in life, if a person made the spares, the strikes would take care of themselves.”~ Stephen King

Friday Funny August 12, 2022 If You Tell Corny Jokes, They Will Laugh (Maybe)

Happy Friday!  This evening, as I prepare this, the “Field of Dreams” Baseball Game is taking place in Iowa between the Reds and Cubs.  So, in honor of Field of Dreams, here are some of the corniest jokes I could find.

Enjoy!

Is it true that melons do not have weddings because they cantaloupe.

Did you hear about the sailor who could not learn the alphabet?  It seems he kept getting lost at C.

Is it true that grass is dangerous because it is full of blades?

Is it true that the best way to tell a dogwood tree is by its bark?

If two snails get into a fight, do they slug it out?

Is it true that the most condescending bear is the pan-duh?

Would you call a priest who becomes a lawyer a father-in-law?

Is it true that cows have hooves and not feet because they lactose?

Is it true that Waldo only wears striped shirts because he doesn’t want to be spotted?

Is it true that pancakes do well at baseball because they have a better batter?

I read that swords will never become obsolete because they are cutting edge technology.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“The earth produces by itself, first the blade, then the ear, then the full grain in the ear. “ ~ Mark 4:28

Friday Funny July 29, 2022 Today I Am Feeling Old

Happy Friday and Happy End of July!  Some days I look around me and I just feel old – today is one of those days.

Enjoy!

I’m so old that I remember when the high beam button was on the floorboard.

I’m so old that I remember having to spin the wheel to make a phone call.

I’m so old that I remember punch cards and even had to use them to write a computer program.

I’m so old that I remember walking across the room to change the TV station – and there were only 3 to choose from.

I‘m so old that I remember having 33, 45 and 78 rpm recordings.

I’m so old that I remember when cutting edge music was on vinyl THEN cassette THEN 8 track THEN CD’s THEN streaming.

I’m so old that I remember using the card catalog and the Readers’ Guide to Periodical Literature.

I’m so old that I remember when baseball cards came with a stick of very hard bubblegum.

I’m so old that I remember mimeograph pages and thermal faxes.

I’m so old that I remember when Saturday morning was about the only time you could see cartoons.

I’m so old I remember when the Borden Milk Man delivered to your door.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“I am so old that I can remember when other people’s achievements were considered to be an inspiration, rather than a grievance.” ~ Thomas Sowell

Friday Funny July 8, 2022 Computer Jokes

Happy Friday! Computers have infiltrated pretty much every aspect of our life, so we might as well have some computer jokes as well.

Enjoy!

Is it true that the computer was tired when it got home because if had had a hard drive?

Is it true that the computer crossed the road because it was programmed by a chicken?

If you crossed a computer programmer with an athlete, would you get a disk-us thrower?

Did the computer sneeze because if had a virus?

When computers get hungry do they eat chips?

The other day I went to a restaurant and a computer came up to me and said, “I’ll be your server today.”

My co-workers call me “The Computer”.  It has nothing to do with my intelligence. I just go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes

If you think that your computer, laptop and phone spying on you is scary then think again, because your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.

Is it true that after work computer programmers go out and grab a byte?

Our computers went down at work today so we had to do everything manually.  It took me a few minutes to shuffle the cards for Solitaire.

I was going to tell more jokes about computers, but they are not very PC.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Never trust a computer you can’t throw out a window” ~Steve Wozniak