Category Archives: Uncategorized

Friday Funny October 22, 2021 More Random Thoughts

Happy Friday! Let me wish you a wonderful weekend and leave you with a few items to ponder.

Enjoy!

The other day, I was a witness to a ship wreck, all I could do was watch and let it sink in.

I gave my hermit crab a cell phone, now all he does is take shellfies.

I have a friend who is a claustrophobic astronaut, poor guy really needs some space.

Last week I witnessed an attempted murder, fortunately only one crow showed up.

It used to be that cosmetic surgery was a taboo subject, but now when you talk about Botox no one even raises an eyebrow.

Would hillbillies drink from hiccups?

When two snails fight do they slug it out?

If you have a can opener that doesn’t work any longer would that make it a can’t opener?

If you tell a “dad joke” but you are not a dad would that make you a faux pa?

I have a friend who like to photograph salmon in different clothing. Seems he likes shooting fish in apparel.

I watched hockey before it was cool, it was a lot like water polo.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.” – Bill Watterson

Friday Funny August 13, 2021 Finely Tuned Mechanic Jokes

Happy Friday! Here is wishing you an uneventful Friday the 13th! Last week we got away for a little vacation. We left in a sedan and returned in a Chevy Tahoe! Saturday morning as we were heading north from Knoxville on our way home, our car suddenly lost most of its power and the little engine line started flashing. We pulled off and discovered we were only a couple of miles from Rusty Wallace Kia. It was Saturday morning and the Service Department was open. After some diagnostics we were told the problem was that the engine was failing and we needed a new engine! Not what you really want to hear on the way home from vacation, but the folks at the dealership were very nice and got us back on the road before lunch. Not happy that there was a problem, but Kia is covering the cost of the repair and the rental. So in honor of the latest chapter of my vacation mis-adventures, here are some mechanic jokes for you.

Enjoy!

I wanted to be a mechanic when I was younger but I lacked fine motor skills.

When I went to the garage the other day, the mechanic was having snacks and coffee, I think he was on his brake.

 Is it true that auto mechanics like their toast with traffic jam?

The other day I saw car that had no tires – it was totally unwheel.

I took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise, he removed the Justin Bieber CD, and now it’s fine.

The other night I had a dream that I was a mechanic who fixed wrecked cars, I think it was an auto body experience.

I think the mechanic in my local garage has amnesia.  I took my car for an oli change and he asked me what year it was.

I like the uniform mechanics wear…overall.

I had a mechanic friend who developed an addition to brake fluid; he told me not to worry, he could stop anytime he wanted to.

Last week I was driving home and I saw my mechanic on the side of the road, crying loudly. I am not sure what happened, but it was clear he had a breakdown.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“When your dreams turn to dust, vacuum.” ~Author unknown

Friday Funny July 16, 2021 Milking Cow Puns

Happy Friday! When was the last time you came across some cow puns? Well I am glad you asked!

Enjoy!

Did you hear about the cow that had a knack for magic tricks?  She was a regular Moo-dini.

It is useless to tell anything to a cow, it just goes in one ear and out the udder.

Is it true that cows have hooves instead of feet because they lactose?

Did you hear about the cow who went to her therapist because she felt that she was seen, but not herd?

Is it true that cows make great dancers because they have all the best moooves?

Would you call a cow who’s just given birth de-calfinated?

Would you call a cow who wanted to be a knight Sir Loin?

Is it true that the cow crossed the road to get to the udder side?

Is it true that cows do not have any money because farmers keep draining them dry?

If you feel like you’ve herd all these cow puns before, you probably have deja-moo.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“I could dance with you until the cows come home.  On second thought I’d rather dance with the cows until you come home.” ~ Groucho Marx

Friday Funny July 9, 2021 A Double Dip of Ice Cream Jokes

Happy Friday! Summer is in full swing and that means warm weather and warm weather needs ice cream! I admit I have a weakness for ice cream that goes back to visiting and working at Sherer’s Ice Cream growing up. So let’s kick off this weekend with a generous serving of ice cream humor.

Enjoy!

Is it true that a Jedi’s favorite flavor of ice cream is Obi-Wan Spumoni?

Is it true that a geologist’s favorite flavor of ice cream is Rock erode?

Is it true that ice cream cones make good journalists because they always get the scoop?

Is it true that ice cream cones are bad at tennis because they have a soft serve?

I was offered a job at the local ice cream shop but I turned it down because I don’t like working on sundaes.

Did you hear about the ice cream man with the broken freezer?  He had a liquidation sale.

Did you hear about the anarchist ice cream maker who simply wanted to watch the world churn?

I have a lactose intolerant friend who sells ice cream for a living.  He can’t take it, but he can dish it out.

I have a friend who discovered he had purchased way too much ice cream – he had Breyer’s remorse.

I heard that they passed a law banning ice cream.  Fortunately, they went to court and it was ruled un-cone-stitutional!

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

My advice to you is not to inquire why or whither, but just enjoy your ice cream while it’s on your plate.” ~ Thornton Wilder

Friday Funny July 2, 2021 Jokes for July 4th

Happy Friday and Happy 4th of July! Take some time this weekend to reflect on the significance of what those 56 signors put into motion almost 250 years ago. Here are a few jokes to kick off your holiday weekend.

Enjoy!

Is it true that if you crossed a patriot with a small curly-haired dog you would get a Yankee Poodle?

Is it true that the most popular dance in 1776 was The Indepen-dance?

Is it true that General Washington’s favorite tree was the infan-tree?

Did you know that the reason why there are not any knock-knock jokes about America is because Freedom rings?

Did you know that the tea of preference for the Colonists was Liber-tea?

Is it true that the biggest prankster in George Washington’s army was Laugh-ayette?

Did you know that the Colonists who told the most jokes were Pun-sylvanians?

It seems like there are not many things built in the USA anymore, I just purchased a new TV, the box stated “Built in Antennae” and I do not have any idea where that is!

I heard that the most logical building in the USA is the Philadelphia Mint, that makes a lot of cents.

If you crossed Captain America with the Incredible Hulk would you get The Star-Spangled Banner?

What did one flag say to the other flag on July 4th? Nothing. It just waved.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

American patriotism, even on the Fourth of July, should be known more by its works than by its fireworks. ~”Poor Richard Junior’s Philosophy,” The Saturday Evening Post, 1904, George Horace Lorimer, editor

WWW.QUOTEGARDEN.COM

Friday Funny May 14, 2021 A Few Words of Advice

“I intended to give you some advice but now I remember how much is left over from last year unused” ~ George Washington Harris

Happy Friday! Just to let you know this blog is not all just fun and games, let me offer up some words of advice this week.

Enjoy!

“If people wanted your unsolicited advice, they’d ask for it.” ~ Alfred E. Neuman

“The one prediction that never comes true is, ‘You’ll thank me for telling you this.’ “ Judith Martin

“Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn’t.”~ Erica Jong

“If you can tell the difference between good advice and bad advice, you don’t need advice.” ~ Van Roy’s Truism

“Never miss a good chance to shut up.” – Will Rogers

“Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you’ll be a mile from them, and you’ll have their shoes.” – Jack Handey

“Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.” – Groucho Marx

“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.” – Albert Einstein

“I always advise people never to give advice.” ~ P.G. Wodehouse

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Listen to advice and accept instruction, and in the end you will be wise.” ~ Proverbs 19:20

Friday Funny April 16, 2021 Tax Jokes

Happy Friday! Congratulations if your 2020 Tax Returns have been filed and you can forget about them for awhile. If you filed an extension, then there are still “fun times” ahead for you this year. Either way, let’s have a little tax related humor this week.

Enjoy!

April 16, the day that Americans wake up in a daze from a case of intoxication.

Every year around April 15 many Americans have a rendezvous with debt.

Death and taxes may be inevitable, but death doesn’t repeat itself every April 15th.

You may not enjoy paying income taxes, but it could be worse.  What if you had to pay taxes based on that you think you are worth?

Doesn’t it seem like a misnomer that we call them “tax returns” when so little of it does.

It is said that a fool and his money are soon parted. For the rest of us it happens around April 15.

Have you ever noticed that a “slight tax increase” costs you about $500, while a “substantial tax cut” lowers your taxes by about $50.

I hear that the IRS is a great place to work. Everybody counts.

Is it true that Spiderman pays more income tax than all the other Superheros because he has more NET income?

Is it true that CPAs make better detectives than Sherlock Holmes because they make more deductions?

Did you hear about the CPA who decided to make a bold fashion statement and wore dark gray socks instead of light gray?

We just hired an ex-con, who was in prison for tax evasion, to do our landscaping.  Man, does he know how to cut corners!

I’d tell you some more tax jokes, but I doubt you would depreciate them.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.” ~Albert Einstein

Friday Funny April 2, 2021 Hare Raising Humor

Happy Friday! Happy Easter! Happy Passover! Here is wishing you a wonderful weekend.

Enjoy!

Do you know what the Easter Bunny gets for making a basket?  He gets two points, just like everyone else.

If you crossed the Easter Bunny with a leaf blower would you get a hare dryer?

Would you call a group of rabbits hopping backward a receding hare line?

I have heard that the only truly rich bunny is the one who realizes he has enough carrots.

I have heard that the Easter Bunny stays healthy through a strict regimen of Eggs-ercise, specifically hare-obics.

Did you hear what happened when 100 hares got loose on Main Street? The police had to comb the area.

Is it true that the favorite books for bunnies to read are the ones with hoppy endings?

Is it true the Easter Bunny does not use a comb, but instead he uses a hare brush?

Is it true after Easter the Easter Bunny will be working at IHOP?

Did you hear about the bunnies that went on strike in order to get a raise in celery?

Do you know how to catch a unique bunny? Unique up on it!

Do you know how to catch a tame bunny? The tame way!

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

For I remember it is Easter morn,
And life and love and peace are all new born.”
~Alice Freeman Palmer

WWW.QUOTEGARDEN.COM

Friday Funny March 26, 2021 Spring Jokes

Happy Friday! Congratulations – you have survived winter. Now spring is here and the hope of the world springing back to live.

Enjoy spring and some spring jokes!

Is it true that after the most common feeling among trees in the spring is re-leaf?

It is that time of year when my winter fat turns int o spring rolls.

I heard that you can tell the difference between spring rolls and summer rolls by their seasoning.

I saw a commercial that the furniture store was celebrating the end of winter with a spring sale; however, mattresses are still full price.

I have a friend who is a writer, each spring he suffers from a bad case of allegories.

I dread spring cleaning this time of year, I wish I’d never bought that Slinky.

The other day I put my foot through a trampoline, I have been walking with a spring in my step ever since.

Did you hear about the flower that could not ride a bike because it had lost its petals?

The spring onions that sprang up in yard have started singing hip hop, those little rap scallions.

I was working through the kitchen last night and thought that I could hear the spring onions singing a BeeGees song, it turned out that it was just the chives talking.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

If people did not love one another, I really don’t see what use there would be in having any spring.~ Victor Hugo

Friday Funny March 19, 2021 March Madness

Happy Friday! This week, in honor of March Madness, we will tip off the weekend with some basketball jokes.

Enjoy!

This week I saw a woman in Walmart who had March Madness teeth, she was down to the final four!

Did the college basketball player sign up for a crafting class because he wanted to learn how to make baskets?

Is it true that basketball players eat donuts just so they can dunk them?

What is the difference between a star basketball player and time? Time passes.

Why did the college basketball coach only play 14 holes of golf with his team? Because they couldn’t make it to the Final Four.

If you invite flat-earther friend to play basketball will he show up with a frisbee?

Did you hear about the anti-vax basketball team that lost every game during the season?  Apparently, they never took any shots.

Was Cinderella such a bad basketball player because her coach was a pumpkin?

Did you hear about the basketball player who was having trouble with his bank account?  It seems all his checks were bouncing.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

I used to be addicted to March Madness, but I rebounded.

There are really only two plays:  Romeo and Juliet, and put the darn ball in the basket.”  ~Abe Lemons