Category Archives: Uncategorized

Friday Funny May 6, 2022 Mothers’ Day

Happy Friday!  Don’t forget that this Sunday is Mother’s Day.

Enjoy!

Would you call a mom who can’t draw – Tracy?

Is it true that the baby strawberry cried because his mom was in a jam?

Are computers so smart because they listen to their motherboards?

Did you hear about the pirate who could not call his mother because she left the phone off the hook?

What did the mama tomato say to the baby tomato? Catch up!

It seems like everybody wants to save the earth but nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes.

Motherhood is like a fairy tale, but in reverse. You start out in a beautiful ball gown and end up in stained rags cleaning up after little people.

Good moms let their kids lick the blades on the hand mixer. Great moms turn the mixer off first.

Is it true that Mom’s favorite kind of candy for Mother’s Day is Her-she’s Kisses?

I bought my Mom a mug which says, “Happy Mother’s day from the World’s Worst Son”.
I forgot to mail it but I think she knows.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“If evolution really works, how come Mothers only have two hands?” ~-Milton Berle

Friday Funny April 8, 2022 Baseball Jokes for Opening Weekend

Happy Friday! Flowers are started to bloom, trees are started to leaf out and baseball is back. So let’s lead off the weekend with some baseball jokes.

Enjoy!

If the Kool-aid Man was on your baseball team would he be a Relief Pitcher?

I heard about an opera singer who made it to the big leagues – seems he had perfect pitch.

I wanted to wear Adidas to play baseball, but they would not let me bat – apparently it is three stripes and you’re out.

Things have gotten ridiculous, my son’s youth baseball game was rained out and they gave him a precipitation trophy.

The other day I saw a giant mouse so I tried killing it with a baseball bat – now I have a lifetime ban from Disneyworld.

I heard about a baseball player who went to the local library.  He was only there five minutes; it was a short stop.

If you crossed a tree with a baseball player, would you get Babe Root?

If a baseball player wanted to make a bake a cake would he use oven mitts, bundt pans and batter?

Did you hear about the baseball player who tried to wash his socks in the bleachers?

I heard that Mario Mendoza shut down his website because he was not getting enough hits.

If you crossed a baseball pitcher with a carpet would you get throw rug?

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Every strike brings me closer to the next home run.” ~ Babe Ruth

A Tank Full of Money?

This evening, I heard a commercial on the radio for an app that will pay you cash for buying gas. Since almost everyone buys gas, it seems like a great idea. The cheerful lady on the commercial said that I could earn up to $0.25 a gallon! The second lady asks if it it really worth it and the first lady happily states that she earns up to $300 a month! Who would not want to earn an extra $300 a month?

A little math will show that if you want to earn that $300 you better like to drive – a lot. Because you will have little time to do anything other than drive! The BEST case is $0.25 a gallon. So to earn $300, you need to buy 1,200 gallons. A quick search of the internet tells me that the average miles per gallon in the US is 24.2 MPG. So, to burn 1,200 gallons, you would need to drive 29,040 miles A MONTH! If you average 60 miles per hour, you would spend 484 hours driving or just over 16 hours a day for a 30 day month. I guess if you have 2 cars you and your spouse could drive 8 hours every day. Unless you job is driving a truck or an Uber, it is hard to fit in a job while driving 8 hours a day.

However, that is the BEST case, the internet also states that the average savings using this app is more like $0.07. At this savings rate, you would need to by 4,286 gallons, driving 103,714 miles and spending 1,729 hours driving at 60 mpg or 57 hours a day during a 30 day month. If you have 7 drivers in your family or own a small trucking company with 7 trucks, you could get the driving back down to about 8 hours a day.

Plus, the app is not available at all stations so you might have to pay more for you gas to begin with. As “they” say – if something sounds too good to be true ….

The Night Before Christmas In The Digital Age

Merry Christmas Eve! Wishing you and yours a very Merry Christmas!

Since this Friday is Christmas Eve, I thought I would dust this one off yet again.  So, again, with apologies Clement Clarke Moore, here is my adaptation of his classic for the digital age.

Enjoy!

‘Twas the day before Christmas, when at my house

I was at the computer, moving the mouse;

It was time for another Friday Funny, does anyone care

If in the morning, the email inbox has a funny there?

Two of my boys were still nestled all snug in their beds,

While visions of homemade cookies danced in their heads;

While mamma was working, I was off for the day,

It seemed like there was nothing funny for me to say,

When out on the Internet there arose such a clatter,

I sprang to my browser to see what was the matter.

Away to another window I flew like a flash,

Hoping as always that my computer would not crash.

The back-lighting of the monitor produced a glow

Which gave a slight luster to objects below,

As I wondered from web site to web site what should appear,

But a miniature sleigh jpg, complete with reindeer,

With a little driver icon, so lively and quick, I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.

More rapid than dsl downloads his cursers they came,

And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;

“Now, Yahoo! now, Google! now, Facebook and Amazon!

On, ebay! on youtube! on, myspace and ask.com!

To the top of the screen! to the top of the wall!

Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!”

As deleted lines that before the backspace button fly,

When they meet with a click, mount to the sky,

So up to the screen-top the cursers they flew,

With a file full of toys, and St. Nicholas too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the speaker

The prancing and pawing of each little squeaker.

As I drew in my hand, and was scrolling around,

Downloading an mpeg, St. Nicholas came with a bound.

He was digitally dressed from his head to his foot,

And his clothes were photo-shopped with ashes and soot;

A bundle of toys he had superimposed on his back,

And he looked like a Trojan file just opening his pack.

His eyes — they pulsated! his dimples they grew!

His cheeks had roses painted on them, his nose was blue!

His droll little mouth transfigured to a bow,

And the beard of his chin turned into white snow;

His pipe was a tree stump he held tight in his teeth,

And the smoke wafted up and became a green wreath;

He had a broad face and a little round belly,

That shook, when he laughed and turned into jelly.

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,

And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;

Two winking eyes and a fast spinning head,

Soon gave me to know I had no virus to dread;

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,

He backed up my hard drive; then turned with a jerk,

And laying his finger aside of his nose,

And giving a nod, up the window he rose;

He sprang to his jpg, to his team gave a whistle,

And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.

But I heard him exclaim, ere he deleted his cookie from sight,

“Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.”

© 2019 LeonardsLines.com

I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day

This one is a “rerun” but still very appropriate.

At this time of the year, we are bombarded by holiday music.  Some stations have had Christmas music nonstop since the end of November.  Perhaps, like me, you find yourself singing along once in a while with one of your favorites.  Perhaps certain songs bring back a special Christmas memory.  Perhaps, by now, you have just become numb as all the songs have just blended into white noise in the background.

Yet, even though we cannot get away from the Holiday songs, do we really “hear” them?  Even though we might sing along with the lyrics, do we really “know” them?  One song comes to my mind today.  It is a song that you hear occasionally this time of year, “I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day.”  

These lyrics were written by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow on Christmas Day 1863.  He wrote at a time that this country was torn by Civil War and just several weeks after his son had been severely wounded in the war.  He wrote it not too long after he had lost his wife in an accidental fire.  Mr. Wadsworth’s world was not full of candy canes and gum drops, it was full of hurt and pain just like the world that we live in.  Yet, he did not let his gloom get the best of him, he struggled on until he could hear those “bells peal more loud and deep.”  This Christmas Eve my wish to you is that you might hear “a voice, a chime, a chant sublime, Of peace on earth, good will to men.”

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day
Their old familiar carols play,
And wild and sweet the words repeat
Of peace on earth, good will to men.

I thought how, as the day had come,
The belfries of all Christendom
Had rolled along the unbroken song
Of peace on earth, good will to men.

And in despair I bowed my head:
“There is no peace on earth,” I said,
“For hate is strong and mocks the song
Of peace on earth, good will to men.”

Then pealed the bells more loud and deep:
“God is not dead, nor doth he sleep;
The wrong shall fail, the right prevail,
With peace on earth, good will to men.”

Till, ringing singing, on its way,
The world revolved from night to day,
A voice, a chime, a chant sublime,
Of peace on earth, good will to men!

Friday Funny December 17, 2021 Short Christmas Jokes

Happy Friday!  Christmas is fast approaching and 2021 is drawing to a close.  This week I have some Christmas jokes wrapped up especially for you.

Enjoy!

Is it true that at sleepovers reindeer like to play truth or deer?

Is it true that the present Rudolph wants most for Christmas is a pony sleigh station?

Is it true that if you eat Christmas decorations you will get tinsel-it-is?

Is it true that to avoid Covid this Christmas you should wash your hands frequently with Santatizer?

Is it true that after the first two Wise Men presented their gifts, the third one said, “But wait, there’s myrrh?”

Is it true that Santa is good at karate and has a black belt to prove it?

Is it true that the Christmas tree went to the barber because it needed to be trimmed?

Is it true that Santa Claus got a parking ticket on Christmas Eve for leaving his sleigh in a snow parking zone?

Would you call a search engine that singes Christmas songs Michel Googlé?

If someone has lost their Christmas spirit should you try to nurse them back to elf?

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn’t before. What if Christmas, he thought, doesn’t come from a store. What if Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more.” ~ Dr. Seuss

What In The World Is Wassailing?

There are some songs that pop up on the radio this time of year that I have heard my entire life and that I have absolutely no idea what the song is about.  One, for instance, is “The Wassail Song.”  To start with I had no idea what “wassail” is.  According to the dictionary there are three  meanings of wassail: 1) an early English toast to someone’s health (OK); 2) a hot drink that is made with wine, beer, or cider, spices, sugar, and usually baked apples and is traditionally served in a large bowl especially at Christmastime (yet the song says it is the neighborhood children who are out wassailing), and 3) riotous drinking or revelry (see comment on 2) above).

There was also an ancient rite of wassailing trees that was known in parts of England.  According to one of these traditions, the men of the village would go out into the orchards carrying the wassail bowl (see 2) above), to alternately serenade and “browbeat” the apple trees. There were songs, dances and libations (for tree and man alike) until finally, in frustration, the trees would be threatened with the axe if they did not produce well in the coming year.

So, in essence a song about underage drinking and threatening violence against trees which are, by the way, the “kindest things I know, they do no harm, they simply grow.”  Below are the complete lyrics for “The Wassail Song”  I think next time it pops up on the radio, instead of singing along, I will change the station…..

Here we come a-wassailing
Among the leaves so green;
Here we come a-wand’ring
So fair to be seen.
Love and joy come to you,
And to you your wassail too;
And God bless you and send you a Happy New Year
And God send you a Happy New Year.

Our wassail cup is made
Of the rosemary tree,
And so is your beer
Of the best barley.
Love and joy come to you,
And to you your wassail too;
And God bless you and send you a Happy New Year
And God send you a Happy New Year.

We are not daily beggars
That beg from door to door;
But we are neighbours’ children,
Whom you have seen before.
Love and joy come to you,
And to you your wassail too;
And God bless you and send you a Happy New Year
And God send you a Happy New Year.

Call up the butler of this house,
Put on his golden ring.
Let him bring us up a glass of beer,
And better we shall sing.
Love and joy come to you,
And to you your wassail too;
And God bless you and send you a Happy New Year
And God send you a Happy New Year.

We have got a little purse
Of stretching leather skin;
We want a little of your money
To line it well within.
Love and joy come to you,
And to you your wassail too;
And God bless you and send you a Happy New Year
And God send you a Happy New Year.

Bring us out a table
And spread it with a cloth;
Bring us out a mouldy cheese,
And some of your Christmas loaf.
Love and joy come to you,
And to you your wassail too;
And God bless you and send you a Happy New Year
And God send you a Happy New Year.

God bless the master of this house
Likewise the mistress too,
And all the little children
That round the table go.
Love and joy come to you,
And to you your wassail too;
And God bless you and send you a Happy New Year
And God send you a Happy New Year.

Good master and good mistress,
While you’re sitting by the fire,
Pray think of us poor children
Who are wandering in the mire.
Love and joy come to you,
And to you your wassail too;
And God bless you and send you a Happy New Year
And God send you a Happy New Year.

Friday Funny December 10, 2021 Christmas Shopping Jokes

Happy Friday! The holiday season is in full swing, so to get you pumped up for shopping, here are some Christmas shopping jokes wrapped up just for you.

Enjoy!

Here is a tip on how to save a lot of money on Christmas shopping – simply express your political views on Facebook.

The other day I told my Mom that Amazon is the best place for Christmas shopping.  This morning she called me from Brazil.

I went into a toy store to do some early Christmas shopping and asked the assistant, “Where are the Arnold Schwarzenegger dolls?” He said, “Aisle B, back.”

My wife said to me that if I got her one more stupid gift this Christmas, she would burn it.  So, I bought her a candle.

I was Christmas shopping for my granddaughter so I asked what she was liked and my wife told me she likes “anything Frozen”. So, I got her some popsicles and some pizza rolls.

Is it true that Captain Nemo does not get any Christmas presents because he is always on the Nautilus?

I just bought my wife an artificial leg for Christmas.  It’s not her main present, just a stocking filler.

The only Christmas gift I got two years ago was a deck of sticky playing cards. I found that very hard to deal with.

The sweater my wife got me last Christmas kept picking up static electricity.  I took it back to the store and exchanged it for another one free of charge.

Last Christmas, my wife bought me new beads for my abacus. It is the little things that count.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Christmas is a necessity. There has to be at least one day of the year to remind us that we’re here for something else besides ourselves.” ~Eric Severeid

Friday Funny December 3, 2021 Year-End Financial Jokes

Happy Friday!  Happy December!  It is hard to believe that we are in the last month of 2021.  Besides the Holidays, December is also a time to review finances or at least a few financial jokes.

Enjoy!

Does Santa’s accountant have to value his sleigh at Net Present Value?

My financial advisor asked me “What’s your net worth?”  I said “I don’t own a net.”

My financial adviser is so bad…when I went into her office and asked her to check my balance, she tried to push me over.

Financial studies can be difficult.  Many people lose interest.

Never take financial advice from a chef – they like to whisk too much.

Is it true that the root cause of the financial system collapse in ancient Egypt was pyramid schemes?

It was very difficult to make a living as a composer in the 17th and 18th centuries – music was going through the Baroque era.

I visited a monastery and asked who handled the financial affairs – I was told “That’s nun of your business.”

I heard that in a cost cutting effort some banks are using trained insects to adjust customers’ balances – they’re the account ants

You know you are in bad shape when a hacker gets into your financials and he sets up   a go fund me for you.’

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

The safe way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket. ~ Frank Hubbard

Friday Funny November 19, 2021 Thanksgiving Puns

Happy Friday! Next week is Thanksgiving, so let me wish you a very Happy Thanksgiving Day and just in case you are in need of a few puns to have ready to share around the table, I am here to help.

Enjoy!

On Thanksgiving, I’m both grateful and gravy-ful.

This Thanksgiving, may your heart be as full as your plate.

Thanksgiving is totally my jam.

Thanksgiving, a day that really is much ado about stuffing.

Life just does not get any butter than this.

You know that I only have pies for you.

I have a crust on you.

Stuffing compares to you.

Let’s give ’em pumpkin’ to talk about.

Let’s get the gourd times rolling.

You know I’m all about that baste.

You think I’m done? Honey, you just ain’t seen stuffing yet.

Green bean casserole, pecan pie, sweet potatoes – when it’s Thanksgiving, there’s always more than just one side to the story.

Did you find this turkey recipe on Google, Google?

Stop, drop, and pass the rolls.

My family told me to stop telling Thanksgiving jokes, but I said I couldn’t quit cold turkey.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.” ~ Albert Einstein