Happy Friday!  Memorial Day is just a little over a week away and with it comes the unofficial start of summer and the travel season.  So, let’s kick off this weekend with some travel jokes.

Enjoy!

I heard that hipsters like to hike backcountry rivers because they are less mainstream.

Travel Tip – Do not take a dog on road trips, they tend to be bark seat drivers.

Travel tip – Before heading on a cross country trip in Canada, make sure you have Triple Eh.

Travel Tip – Never fly on Peter Pan Airways – they neverland.

Travel Tip – When in Hawaii avoid loud laughing, instead just give them a low ha.

Every time I go through an airport, I get sick.  I am afraid it might be a terminal illness.

I think mountains are the funniest places to travel, I find then hill areas.

Is it true that you can stop Canadian Bacon from curling in the pan by taking away its little rock and broom?

A time traveler visited a restaurant on vacation and he liked it so much that he went back four seconds.

I took four hours to check out of my hotel in Japan. The receptionist told me, “You really Tokyo time.”

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Though we travel the world over to find the beautiful, we must carry it with us, or we find it not.” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

Happy Friday and a Happy Mothers’ Day to all the Moms. If you can, be sure to let your Mother know you are thinking about her this weekend.

Enjoy!

Mom’s recipe for iced coffee: 1. Have kids. 2. Make coffee. 3. Forget you made coffee. 4. Drink it cold.

A police recruit was asked during the exam, ‘What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?’ He said, ‘Call for backup.’

Silence is golden. Unless you have kids. Then silence is suspicious.

Why was it so hard for the pirate to call his mom on Mother’s Day? Because she left the phone off the hook.

I bought my mom a mug that says, “Happy Mother’s Day from the World’s Worst Son”. I forgot to mail it but I think she knows.

There is a very old legend that says if you take a shower and scream “Mom” three times, a nice lady appears with the towel you forgot.

My housekeeping style as a mom can best be described as “there appears to have been a struggle.”

Would call a mother cow that’s just given birth de-calf-inated?

Good moms let you lick the beaters after making brownies, great moms turn them off first.

Motherhood is like a fairy tale but in reverse. You begin in a beautiful ball gown and end up in stained rags cleaning up after people.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“A mother understands what a child does not say.” —Jewish Proverb

Happy Friday and Happy May! The days are longer and warmer weather is on the way! The baseball season is in full swing, so let me toss out a baseball joke for you.

Enjoy!

Bob and Dave had been best friends for as long as either of them could remember plus they shared an avid interest in baseball.  They were now in their 90’s and in a nursing home, but still close friends who continued to share a love of baseball.  Many days they would spend sitting in their rocking chairs and talking about baseball.  Occasionally they pondered if there would be baseball in heaven.  One day, as they pondered this, they made a pact that someway, somehow which ever one of them who died first would find a way to come back and let the other one know if, indeed, there was baseball in heaven.

Well, the day came when Bob passed.  After several weeks had passed Dave was feeling a bit lonely as his sat and rocked next to an empty chair.  Suddenly, the empty chair began to rock slowly back and forth and the pale, ghostly image of Bob appeared. 

Dave asked, “Well Bob, tell me, is there baseball in heaven?”

“Well, I’ve got some good news and some bad news,” replied Bob.  “The good news is that, yes indeed, there is baseball in heaven.  There are games every day and the weather is always absolutely perfect”

Dave smiled and asked, “That is wonderful! What’s the bad news?”

Bob looked at his friend and replied, “The bad news is that tomorrow is our Opening Day and you’re playing second base and batting third.”

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Every day is a new opportunity. You can build on yesterday’s success or put its failures behind and start over again. That’s the way life is, with a new game every day, and that’s the way baseball is.” ~ Bob Feller

Happy Friday! Spring is in the air and you have probably had to cut the grass at least once by now, so how about some lawn care jokes to kick off this Friday?

Enjoy!

The other day, I saw a man crying while mowing his lawn so I asked him if anything was wrong.  He said that he was just going through a rough patch.

Today I had to fire the guy I hired to mow my lawn, he just wasn’t cutting it.

I really need to cut my grass, but I am having difficulty getting myself mow-tivated.

Last week, I called the police about a murder on my front lawn and they said that couldn’t do anything about crows on my lawn and insisted that I quit calling.

I have a chicken proof lawn, it’s impeccable.

Chuck Norris doesn’t mow his lawn.  He just sits on his porch and dares it to grow.

When I’m grilling a steak outside, the smell just makes my mouth water.  I wonder if that happens when a vegan mows their lawn.

My neighbor on one side has a cow that helps him cut the grass, he’s a lawn moo-er.

My neighbor on the other side has a cat that helps him cut the grass, he’s a lawn-meower.

The shrubs were gearing up for a fight with the grass, but they never saw the blades come in.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“April hath put a spirit of youth in everything.” ~ William Shakespeare

Happy Friday!  One of the many cartoons I watched when I was a child was “The Rocky and Bullwinkle Show” – every episode there would be a clip where Bullwinkle would say, “Hey Rocky watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat.”  Then something that was not a rabbit would usually appear of the hat.  So, in honor of Bullwinkle, I have pulled a few jokes out of my hat this week.

Enjoy!

I showed a mime a magic trick, it left him speechless.

A hear that good magician’s assistants are very hard to find, apparently they are highly sawed after.

I recently saw a magician who does magic with chocolate, it seems he had a lot of Twix up his sleeve.

I recently read about a new TV show about magical arts in the legal system, it is going to be called “Subpoena the Teenage Witch.”

Did you hear about the magician who made an entire art gallery disappear? Now museum, now you don’t

I have a friend who is very talented as both a Magician & a Chef.  They say his food is TA! DA! for.

I read an article that stated that for a period of time, Harry Houdini used a trap door in every magic show he performed, apparently it was just a stage he was going through.

There was once a farmer who walked into a magical forest to cut down a tree.  As he pulled back his axe to take a big swing, it cried out “Wait, I’m a talking tree!” The farmer just grinned and said “yes, and you will dialogue.”

Magician: “and now for my final trick! I will disappear!” Then he grabs a pear from under the table and says: “you’re the worst fruit ever!”

What are the two magic words you can say to get anything you want? – “I’m offended.”

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“The secret of showmanship consists not of what you really do, but what the mystery-loving public thinks you do.” ~ Harry Houdini

Happy Friday and Happy February!  2023 is already 8% over! I hope the year is off to a good start for you.  Let’s kick off the weekend with some random jokes chosen especially for you.

Enjoy!

I heard that when rainbows are bad they get sent to Prism, but it is a light sentence.

Here is an easy way to tell the gender of an ant. Put it in a glass of water. If it sinks it’s a girl ant. If it floats it’s buoyant.

I was reading a story about a claustrophobic astronaut, apparently he just needed some space.

I like jokes about stationery, but rulers are where I draw the line.

If 70% of the earth is water, and virtually none of it is carbonated, could we say that the earth is, in fact, flat?

This morning I saw a person dragging a clam on a leash behind him and it occurred to me that it  must be hard to walk with a pulled mussel. 

As part of my New Year’s routine, I have started doing crunches twice a day. Captain in the morning. Nestle in the afternoon. 

Did you know that you can hear the blood in your veins? You just have to listen varicosely. 

Did you hear the one about the donut that went to the Dentist? It needed a filling.

Would you call a dog that has been run over by a steamroller, Spot?

I have been a bookkeeper for 10 years.  The library is not very happy about it.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“A wise man will make more opportunities than he finds.” ~Francis Bacon (1561–1626)

It is Christmas Eve, so time for me once again to apologize to Clement Clarke Moore and share my adaptation of his classic for the digital age.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Enjoy!

‘Twas the day before Christmas, when at my house

I was at the computer, moving the mouse;

It was time for another Friday Funny, does anyone care

If in the morning, the email inbox has a funny there?

Two of my boys were still nestled all snug in their beds,

While visions of homemade cookies danced in their heads;

While mamma was working, I was off for the day,

It seemed like there was nothing funny for me to say,

When out on the Internet there arose such a clatter,

I sprang to my browser to see what was the matter.

Away to another window I flew like a flash,

Hoping as always that my computer would not crash.

The back-lighting of the monitor produced a glow

Which gave a slight luster to objects below,

As I wondered from web site to web site what should appear,

But a miniature sleigh jpg, complete with reindeer,

With a little driver icon, so lively and quick, I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.

More rapid than dsl downloads his cursers they came,

And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;

“Now, Yahoo! now, Google! now, Facebook and Amazon!

On, ebay! on youtube! on, myspace and ask.com!

To the top of the screen! to the top of the wall!

Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!”

As deleted lines that before the backspace button fly,

When they meet with a click, mount to the sky,

So up to the screen-top the cursers they flew,

With a file full of toys, and St. Nicholas too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the speaker

The prancing and pawing of each little squeaker.

As I drew in my hand, and was scrolling around,

Downloading an mpeg, St. Nicholas came with a bound.

He was digitally dressed from his head to his foot,

And his clothes were photo-shopped with ashes and soot;

A bundle of toys he had superimposed on his back,

And he looked like a Trojan file just opening his pack.

His eyes — they pulsated! his dimples they grew!

His cheeks had roses painted on them, his nose was blue!

His droll little mouth transfigured to a bow,

And the beard of his chin turned into white snow;

His pipe was a tree stump he held tight in his teeth,

And the smoke wafted up and became a green wreath;

He had a broad face and a little round belly,

That shook, when he laughed and turned into jelly.

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,

And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;

Two winking eyes and a fast spinning head,

Soon gave me to know I had no virus to dread;

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,

He backed up my hard drive; then turned with a jerk,

And laying his finger aside of his nose,

And giving a nod, up the window he rose;

He sprang to his jpg, to his team gave a whistle,

And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.

But I heard him exclaim, ere he deleted his cookie from sight,

“Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.”

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