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Friday Funny January 1, 2021 My Predictions

 

Happy Friday! Happy New Years! Good Bye 2020!!

As we prepare for a new and hopefully better year, I dug out my crystal ball and as I gazed intently into it, I saw that the following are in store for 2021.  This time next year, you can pull this out and you will be amazed at the uncanny accuracy of my predictions.

Enjoy!

  • There will be weather on a daily basis, sometimes it will be severe.
  • The stock market will go up or perhaps it will go down.
  • A famous celebrity couple will break up.
  • Someone will predict the end of the world.
  • We will see some technological advancements.
  • Your Chia Pet will not survive the new year.
  • In many parts of the country the temperature will be above or below normal.
  • There will be hiccups in the recovery if the economy.
  • You probably will not lose that 20 pounds you plan on losing.
  • The CDC Guidelines on COVID will change.
  • There will be upheaval somewhere in the world.
  • The Cincinnati Bengals will not be in the Super Bowl.
  • There will be a major data breach that impacts millions of people.
  • The price of a gallon of gas will fluctuate.
  • More than one famous person will die unexpectedly.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Write it on your heart that every day is the best day in the year.” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

White Christmas – Bah! Humbug!

Christmas is almost here and I have to vent, just for a moment.  I am not a Grinch or a Scrooge but I have to say that I would be fine if it is a long, long time before I hear White Christmas by Bing Crosby or anyone else for that matter. 

“I’m dreaming of a white Christmas – Just like the ones I used to know”

JUST like the ones I used to know?

My usual Christmas during my life spent in Ohio, Kentucky, Texas and Alabama has been snow free many, many more times than it has been snowy.

“Where the tree tops glisten – And children listen -To hear sleigh bells in the snow”

I have never in my life heard sleigh bells in the snow.

“I’m dreaming of a white Christmas – With every Christmas card I write”

These days I write only a few Christmas cards, does that translate into dreaming less about a White Christmas?

According to a NOAA National Climatic Data Center based on weather data collected from 1981 to 2010, there is only one large city in America that consistently more than a 70% chance of a White Christmas and that is Minneapolis. In fact, in the Lower 48 states only 24.8% have a White Christmas.

So, we end up having sentimental “memories” that perhaps never existed and we set up Christmas to be this sentimental experience that has high odds of disappointment for most of us and obviously the further South you live, the more likely that the sentimentality of the song makes no sense to your personal history.

Let me suggest that we listen a little less to White Christmas and a little more to Do You Hear What I Hear?

Pray for peace, people everywhere!
Listen to what I say!
The Child, the Child, sleeping in the night
He will bring us goodness and light

Instead of dreaming for something that we have absolutely no control over and is very likely to disappoint us, let’s pray and work for peace for people everywhere and to bring light to a world that seems to be getting darker all the time.

Perhaps old Mr. Scrooge would say, even AFTER the encounters with the three Spirits, “every idiot who goes about with a ‘I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas ‘ on his lips should be boiled with his own pudding, and buried with a stake of holly through his heart.”

Thanksgiving Up In Smoke

Thanksgiving is one of those holidays that, for most of us, is filled with memories:  memories of gatherings, memories of food, fond memories with family and friends.  This year Thanksgiving will be a different one and a memorable one in a number of ways.

For me, one of the most memorable Thanksgiving was in 1980 and it hard to believe it was forty years ago.  I was a senior in college and Thanksgiving break is ALWAYS welcome when one is in college.  The break usually means being home with family, sleeping in your own bed, eating some real home cooking and spending time with people that you do not get to see near as often as you used to.

Thanksgiving Day itself was nothing out of the ordinary and to be honest, I do not have many memories of that day.  However, the break took an eventful turn on Saturday morning.  I had transferred to Miami University after my sophomore year and had rented an apartment with two friends I had known since grade school.  Saturday morning I had a call from Joe who had received a call from Randy.  Randy’s Dad had heard on the radio that there had been a fire at our apartment in Oxford.  So, the three of us headed to Oxford from Dayton to see what was going on.  Upon our arrival we found that most of the third floor of the three floor apartment building was gone and, unfortunately, we lived on the third floor.

It is rather amazing that there were no firemen or anyone there to keep us out, so we went up to the third floor to have a  look around.  What we saw was not very pretty as the above picture of my bed can show.  We dragged out some stuff, most of which was thrown away as soon as we unloaded it at home.  It is interesting to see one’s entire album collection fused together in one mass.  I did trim the burnt edges off of my Cost Accounting book so that I could use for the Advanced Cost Accounting course.  

It is said that there is always a silver lining and there was a silver lining that rose out of the ashes that was my college apartment.  My Dad received an insurance check to help cover the loss.  Out of what came in the check, he gave me a portion.  There were two items that I purchased with the insurance money.  The first thing I bought was Wilson A2000 baseball glove which I still have in my possession and used up until COVID took softball away this year.  The other, more expensive and perhaps the more important purchase I made was an engagement ring.  (It was 1/4 carat, the insurance check was not that big.)  Fortunately the engagement ring is still in use as well.

This Thanksgiving will be different, but hopefully there will still be a roof over your head when Saturday morning rolls around.

 

Robot Curling – The Beginning of the End?

With all that is going on in the world these days, you might have missed the recent news about curling.  OK, if there was nothing going on in the world, you probably would have missed any news about curling.  However, there was development last month that might have some serious implications for the curling world, the sport world, and perhaps humanity itself.

The big curling news was that a robot named Curly (apparently besides being boring, curling types are also not very creative) beat not one, but two elite Korean national teams. If you are not familiar with curling, the sport is sort of a mix of bowling, chess, and sweeping the floor. A player called the “thrower” gently slides a mutant-puck made of granite, aka “stone”, releasing it before crossing  a boundary line, aka “hogline.” The idea is to glide the stone 100 feet down the rink to the target, aka “house.” Then the  opposing team does the same thing, so both teams try accumulate stones in the house. At the end of the round, the team with the stone closest to the center of the target gets a point. If that team has extra stones closer to the center than the opposing team, those tally additional points. Yes, this sounds as riveting as it actually is, aka “not.”

The point is that Curly is actually a big achievement in machine intelligence, one that could have implications for robotics beyond the rink.  Perhaps in the future, you might see robot curling in the Olympics, perhaps that might lead to other robot sports:  robot bob-sledding, robot hockey, robot football, robot boxing, robot baseball.  Who know where it might end?  Perhaps it will go beyond sports to other things.  But before you get too excited about the robot enhanced future watch “The Matrix” or “Terminator.”  I don’t think those movies really went into details of how the robot revolution begain, maybe they started with curlling?

 

Friday Funny October 9, 2020 Squirrel Jokes

Happy Friday!  Fall is in the air, the leaves are changing color and the squirrels are out gathering food for the coming winter.  So, why not a few squirrel jokes to kick off this Friday?

Enjoy!

If the way to catch a squirrel is to climb up a tree and act like a nut – then

     Would you catch a Polynesian squirrel by climbing a tree and acting like a coconut?

     Would you catch a squirrel for the holidays by climbing a tree and acting like nutmeg?

     Would you catch a rich squirrel by climbing a tree and acting like a cashew?

Did the blind man cross the road because his dog saw a squirrel?

Is a squirrel’s favorite way to watch TV by streaming Nut-flix?

The other day, I was chasing a squirrel in my back yard. The squirrel ran up a tree and I totaled my car.

I got kicked out of the park today for arranging the squirrels by height, it seems they did not appreciate my critter sizing.

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A squirrel was sitting on the branch of a tree when suddenly it began shaking violently.  He looks down and is quite surprised to see an elephant climbing up the tree.  “What in the world are you doing?” cried the squirrel. “I want to come up and eat some cherries,” replied the elephant.  “This is an oak tree, there aren’t any cherries here,” said the squirrel.  “It’s okay,” said the elephant. “I’ve brought my own.”

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There was a man who trying to cross the street. As he steps off the curb a car comes screaming around the corner and heads straight for him.

Frightened, the man begins to walk faster, trying to hurry across the street, but the car changes lanes and continues coming at him.

So the guy quickly turns around to go back the way he come, but the car changes lanes again and is still coming right at him. By now, the car is so close and the man is so scared that he just freezes and stops in the middle of the road. The car gets within inches, then swerves at the last possible moment and screeches to a halt next him.

The driver rolls down the window. To the man’s astonishment, the driver is a squirrel! The squirrel looks at the man and yells, “See! It’s not as easy as it looks, is it!?”

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

The first requirement in taking a step in the right direction is to take a step in some direction. ~Robert Brault, rbrault.blogspot.com

http://WWW.QUOTEGARDEN.COM

Things That Irritate Me – #17 Self-Serve Coffee Preparers

I admit that there are a few things in life that irritate me, my wife would say there are a LOT of things that irritate me.  One of the things that I get irritated and impatient with is the person that tends to be in front of me at the hotel self-serve coffee bar.  I go to the coffee bar at the hotel bar for what, I think is the obvious reason – I would like a cup of coffee.  However, it seems like I always get a person in front of me who either thinks they are auditioning for a career as a barista ore believes that pouring a cup of coffee is some sort of abstract performance art.

My process consists of the following steps:

  1. grab a cup
  2. pour coffee
  3. stir
  4. grab a lid
  5. get out of the way

Depending on how fast the coffee flows out of the decanter, this process can take as little as 5 seconds.

HOWEVER, I the person that inevitably is in front of me at the coffee bar usually goes through the following steps:

  1. thoughtfully select a cup
  2. thoughtfully examine all coffee decanters in view
  3. thoughtfully examine all other items on the coffee bar
  4. fill cup 3/8s full from one decanter
  5. thoughtfully take a sip of coffee
  6. fill cup another 3/8s from another decanter
  7. thoughtfully take a sip of coffee
  8. pick up a sugar packet, shake for 5 seconds, tear and deposit sugar in coffee
  9. stir coffee
  10. thoughtfully take a sip of coffee
  11. pick up another  sugar packet, shake for 5 seconds, tear and deposit sugar in coffee
  12. stir coffee
  13. thoughtfully take a sip of coffee
  14. add half and half to coffee
  15. stir coffee
  16. thoughtfully take a sip of coffee
  17. add honey to coffee
  18. stir coffee
  19. thoughtfully take a sip of coffee
  20. add a touch of cinnamon to coffee
  21. stir coffee
  22. thoughtfully take a sip of coffee
  23. add almond milk to coffee
  24. stir coffee
  25. thoughtfully take a sip of coffee
  26. pick up another  sugar packet, shake for 5 seconds, tear and deposit sugar in coffee
  27. stir coffee
  28. thoughtfully take a sip of coffee
  29. thoughtfully select a lid
  30. put lid on while being certain to remain in the middle of the coffee bar
  31. thoughtfully take a sip of coffee
  32. slowly begin to walk away

While I watch this process takes place, I am certain that several minutes have elapsed and I am now more in need of my coffee than ever.  I approach the coffee bar and 5 seconds later I have my coffee and am on way.  I do notice as I walk away that the person who was in front of me has turned around and is heading back to the coffee bar with a thoughtful look on her face.

Friday Funny August 28,2020 College Essentials

As we come to the end of August, it is usually time for college campuses to begin to buzz anew with activity. Like everything else in 2020, the return to campus is not “business as usual.” For those that are packing up and heading to a college campus, there are a number of lists out there of the “essential” things one needs to take along with them.

Looking at these lists, like many things these days, makes me feel old.  Ages ago when I headed off to college what I could take along was limited to what I could fit in a footlocker and a suitcase.

Some of these items, while perhaps essential today would not have done me much good way back when.

Enjoy!

A wallet that sticks to the back of your phone.  – Not sure why I would have wanted to have my wallet stuck to the one phone that was on the wall down the hall.

An iPod, headphones and a blue tooth speaker.  – Back in my day, I had a quadraphonic system with four wired speakers and a selection of vinyl albums.

A microwave that will make your favorite dishes – While one can run out today and buy a microwave for under $50, they were a lot more when I was younger.  I was out of college and married for a couple of years before I could afford a microwave.

Laptop computer and printer. – As a high school graduation present, I received a great item that could do the tasks of both word processing and printing, it was called a typewriter.

32-Inch 1080p Smart LED TV – Survived my freshman year with no TV, sophomore year my roommate brought a 12-inch black & white TV. 

A tablet/kindle for reading in your free time. – If, and that is a big if, I had free time and felt like reading, I could go to a place on campus that was called a library and read an item called a book, no batteries or charging were required.

A moleskin journal that you can use for handy notes, the article recommends one that can be purchased for $25.99.  I guess I was not cool or fashionable with my $0.79 college ruled spiral notebooks.

 Hydro-Flask Water Bottle for carrying water around.  Back in my day, somehow, we could manage to make it through an hour without a glass of water.  Then between classes one could stop by something called a water-fountain.

Small iron & ironing pad.  I am pretty sure I survived my college years without ironing a single item

Cleaning supplies: Surface spray or wipes, laundry detergent, dish soap, aromatic room spray, stain remover, etc. – Because every college student is fastidiously clean, right?

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

No man should escape our universities without knowing how little he knows.  ~J. Robert Oppenheimer

http://WWW.QUOTEGARDEN.COM

Getting My Hair Cut

The difficulty of getting a haircut is one of the multitude of inconveniences that many have had to face during this pandemic.  Fortunately for me, I have had no issues getting in to see the person who usually cuts my hair.  This is because, for the past thirty-seven years, my wife has been cutting my hair.  I am an accountant and while I do like to save money that is not the primary reason that she is the one that I go to for a haircut. 

In 1983 we were living in Ft. Worth, Texas.  I needed a haircut, so I went to a barber shop.  I came home, my wife took one look at my haircut and stated, “I could do better than that.”  So, she started cutting my hair and I thought she did a pretty good job while we lived in Texas.

Two years later we moved to Warrior, Alabama.  We were kind of in the boonies, Warrior was the closest town and it was our address but it was actually in a different county from where we lived.  I think there was only one barber in Warrior and everyone called him “Booger”.  I decided that I would rather have my wife continue to cut my hair than let someone named “Booger” touch my scalp.

So, after a few years, the pattern had pretty much been established of where I was going to get my haircut.  Then along came three boys who would also need haircuts and, of course, she cut their hair as well.  Through the years, we have gone through a few sets of clippers as well as a Flowbee period.  We really had one and it worked pretty well (if you have no clue – check out http://www.flowbee.com).  The boys are gone, but I still need haircuts and I still have my wife cut it and I do not complain, especially when she has the clippers close to my ear.

It is funny how one bad haircut in 1983 solved the problem of where to get a haircut in 2020.  It also saved a few dollars along the way.

Friday Funny August 14, 2020 Don’t Fail to Chuckle

Happy Friday!  Here is hoping this finds you well and Corona free.  Hopefully this week’s blog will make you chuckle, if I have failed at that, I will be back again next week.  We all experience failures and failure is not the end.

Enjoy!

I tried to develop a professional Hide and Seek League; however, it was a total failure.  It turned out that good players were hard to find.

I attended a board game night recently that was a complete failure.  When I showed up, it turned out that our host had absolutely no Clue.

By now it should be obvious to all that communism is a failure.  I mean just look at all those red flags.

If I had fifty cents for every time I failed a math test, I would have $7.37 now.  I once failed a calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins and I couldn’t differentiate between them.

I once failed an English exam on Shakespeare because I used the wrong pencil.  I couldn’t tell whether it was 2B or not 2B.

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One day a moth goes into a dentist’s office.  The Dentist asks the moth, “what seems to be the problem?”

The moth responds, “You see my whole life is a mess. My career never got off the ground, my mortgage is underwater, I have no friends, my kids hate me, I could go on listing one failure after another.”

The dentist is very confused and asks “that does sound awful, but I’m a dentist, what is it that brings you to “my” office?”

The moth replies, “oh, the light was on.”

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

The men who try to do something and fail are infinitely better than those who try to do nothing and succeed. ~Lloyd Jones

Friday Funny August 7, 2020 A Little Wedding Humor

Happy Friday!  This is a big week for my family.  Tomorrow, my oldest son is getting married.  So why not kick off the weekend with a little wedding-themed humor?

Enjoy!

I recently heard about two spiders who were married – they met on the web.

I recently heard about a bald man who married his comb.  Seems he had promised to never part with it.

I recently heard about two cell phones who were married – they say the reception was terrific.

I recently heard about two florists who were married – it was an arranged marriage.

I recently heard about two nuclear technicians who were married – they say the bride was radiant and the groom was glowing.

I recently heard about a notebook who married a pencil – seems she found Mr. Write.

I recently heard about that the King of Hearts married the Queen of Hearts – seems they were perfectly suited to each other.

I recently heard that it has been a decade since the Invisible Man married the Invisible Woman – I hear their kids are nothing to look at either.

I recently heard that Times New Roman broke off his engagement with Arial – seems she just was not hit type.

I recently heard that the jumper cables called off their wedding – seems they had lost their spark.

I recently heard that hydrogen and helium had called off their wedding but will still see each other periodically.

Wedding days are always very emotional, even the cake is in tiers.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

A great marriage is not when the ‘perfect couple’ comes together. It’s when an imperfect couple learns to enjoy their differences. ~ Unknown