Category Archives: Uncategorized

Friday Funny September 21, 2018 Random Funnies

 

Happy Friday and Welcome to Fall!   Here are a few random jokes to kick off the weekend.

Enjoy! 

Why did the storm trooper buy an iphone?  Because he could not find the Droid he was looking for.

The other day, I bought what has to be the  world’s worst thesaurus.  Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.

I made a chicken salad today; unfortunately she wouldn’t eat any of it..

What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate?  Sorry, my fault

I bought one of those travelling irons yesterday and when I woke up this morning and it was gone.

My friends accused me of being tight-fisted, so to prove them wrong I bought them a cup of coffee.  As it turns out they each wanted one.

When I was little my Mom used to feed me alphabet soup all the time.  She told people I loved it but she was just putting words in my mouth.

I was going to buy a grenade today but things quickly went awry when the cashier asked me for my PIN.

When I was a kid, I could put air in my bike for free.  Now it’s $1.50! I asked the guy at the gas station attendant why.  He said, “Inflation.”

My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink but no one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they finally got sick of him and kicked him out the movie theater.

Thought for the Week

How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn’t make it a leg. ~Abraham Lincoln

http://www.quotegarden.com

 

Advertisements

Friday Funny March 23, 2018 An Ode to Old Man Winter

Happy Friday! Happy Spring!!  Congratulations, you have survived the winter of 2017-2018, or at least you thought it was over. 

It seems as though Old Man Winter will vent his wrath once more this weekend which makes it a good time to dust off one of the more “classical” Friday Funnies.  Stay warm and stay safe this weekend.  Spring will come soon, you have my word.

Enjoy!

An ODE TO OLD MAN WINTER

(with an apology to William Shakespeare)

This hath surely been a winter of discontent,

Old Man Winter hath chilled us ‘till we have turned blue,

He hath sleeted on us time and time again,

He hath made us sore from fortnight after fortnight of shoveling,

He hath iced our walks ‘till we have fallen down yonder slippery slope,

And he has wronged us time and time again!

What’s in a name? That which we call winter by any other name would feel just as cold.

To thaw or not to thaw: that is the question:

Whether ‘tis Nobler in the mind and body to suffer

The wind chills and snow storms of an outrageous winter,

Or to take up plow and salt against this season of troubles?

Frost-bitten Friends, Raw Romans, chilled countrymen, lend me your ear muffs;

I come to bury Old Man Winter, not to praise him.

The wrath of winter often lingers on;

The good is oft forgotten;

So let it be with Old Man Winter.

The Nobel Weatherman hath told you Old Man Winter was historic:

If it were so, it was a grievous fault,

And grievously hath Old Man Winter answer’d it.

He was hardly my friend, not to me nor to any of you:

But yon Weatherman says he was historic;

And yon Weatherman is an honorable man.

Some winters are great, some winters achieve greatness, and some winters are just a royal pain.

One touch of Old Man Winter makes the whole world cold.

You all did welcome him once, but he wore out said welcome:

You all do know this mantle: I remember

The first time ever Old Man Winter put it on;

‘Twas on a late fall’s evening, in his tent,

That day he overcame the Winter Solstice:

Look, in this place ran El Nino’s dagger through:

See what a rent the envious Polar Vortex made:

Through this the much-anticipated Warm Front stabbed;

And as he plucked his cursed steel away,

Which all the while ran melting snow, great Old Man Winter fell.

O, what a fall was there, my countrymen!

Then I, and you, and all of us sunk down in the slush,

Here was a Winter! When comes such another?

Now let it work. Spring, thou art afoot,

Take thou what course thou wilt!

Thought for the Week

It was one of those March days when the sun shines hot and the wind blows cold: when it is summer in the light, and winter in the shade.  ~Charles Dickens, Great Expectations

www.quotegarden.com

Friday Funny February 16, 2017 Valentine Dream

Happy Friday!  You have survived another Valentines Day!  I know I am a couple of days late with Valentine Jokes, but they were 50% off.

Enjoy!

After she woke up, a woman told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond necklace for Valentine’s day. What do you think it means?”

“You’ll know tonight.” he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.
Delighted, she opened it – to find a book entitled “The Meaning of Dreams.”

————————————————————————————————————————————

I asked my friend if he’d bought his wife a gift for Valentine’s Day. 

He’s a bit of a chauvinist pig so he surprised me when he replied, “Yeah, I’ve got her a belt and a bag.”

I said, “That’s very thoughtful of you. I hope she appreciates it.”

He said, “So do I. And hopefully the vacuum cleaner will work much better now.”    

————————————————————————————————————————————

My wife just sent me a text saying, “I’ve just got you the best Valentine’s Day present ever! xox”

I really hope she misspelled “Xbox”.


Thought for the Week

“The heart has its reasons that reason does not know. “~ Pascal


Friday Funny December 8, 2017 Holiday Eating Tips

Happy Friday!  The holiday party season is in full swing.  It is that time of year when are tempted day in and day out by an endless array of delicious goodies.  So, as your approach this holiday season, I thought I would offer you some useful holiday eating tips.

Enjoy!

1. Avoid vegetable trays. Anyone who puts a vegetable tray on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit (or just can’t cook).   A vegetable tray might be acceptable if it is accompanied with high calorie, artery-clogging dip. Otherwise save the vegetable tray for January when that New Year’s Diet begins.

2.  Remember that this is the time of year when just about anything can be covered with gravy or chocolate sauce.  However, I would avoid using both on the same food item.

3.  If something comes with gravy, especially giblet gravy, use it. That’s the whole point of gravy. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Get more mashed potatoes and create a gravy moat surrounding your island of mashed potatoes.  Go ahead and play with your food, you know you want to.  (Sit a safe distance away from anyone who makes models of the “Devil’s Tower” out of mashed potatoes.)

4. Nutritionists tell us that a healthy diet includes color on the plate, especially reds, yellows and greens.  So, just to be safe, add a handful of M&M’s to each plate of food you have.

5. Fruit and nuts are an important part of your diet.  So do not skimp on the apple pie, cherry pie and pecan pie.

6.Forget the exercise routine until January when you have nothing else to do and you have started that diet. You will get plenty of exercise doing laps around the buffet table  while carrying a 10-pound plate of food in each hand..

7.The Magic of Christmas eliminates all of the calories from homemade cookies, fudge, peanut brittle, pies, cakes , dinner rolls and cinnamon rolls.  So enjoy to your heart’s desire but only if they are homemade.

8. We know oatmeal is good for you so do not skip it this holiday season.  I prefer my oatmeal in the form of oatmeal chocolate chip cookies.

9. Remember there are limits on how much you can eat.  So do not waste any of your calorie capacity on fruitcake or mincemeat pie.  (You would be better off with a vegetable tray.)

10. One final tip: If you can comfortably get up from the table, you’re not trying hard enough.  You have trained all year for this, don’t give up now!

Thought for the Week

Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn’t before!
“Maybe Christmas,” he thought, “doesn’t come from a store.”
“Maybe Christmas…perhaps…means a little bit more!” ~ Dr. Seuss

Friday Funny September 1, 2017 Stars and Shingles

Happy Friday and Happy Labor Day!  I hope you have a chance to kick back a little bit and relax this weekend.  Here are a couple of jokes to jump start your weekend.

Enjoy!

STAR OF THE EUPHRATES

King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. He was down to his last great possession, the most valuable diamond known in the ancient world, the Star of the Euphrates, But the kink was desperate, so he went to Giddius, the pawnbroker, to get a loan.

Giddius said, “I’ll give you 100,000 dinars for it.”

“But I paid a million dinars for it,” the king protested. “Don’t you know who I am!? I am the king!!”

Giddius simply replied, “I am sorry but when you wish to pawn a Star, it makes no difference who you are.”

SHINGLES

These days, it seems like more and more doctors are running their practices like an assembly lines. I heard about a guy who recently walked into a doctor’s office.  He was greeted by the receptionist who asked him what he had.

He said, “Shingles.”

The receptionist took down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse’s aid came out and asked him what he had.

He said, “Shingles.”

The nurse’s aid took down his height, his weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room. After a half-hour a nurse came in and asked him what he had.

He said, “Shingles.”

So the nurse gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, she then told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor. After another hour the doctor came in and asked him what he had.

He said, “Shingles.”

The doctor said, “Where do you have them?”

The man replied, “Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?”

Thought for the Week

God give me work, till my life shall end
And life, till my work is done.
~Epitaph of Winifred Holtby

http://www.quotegarden.com

Friday Funny August 4, 2017 Wise Words of Mark Twain

Happy Friday! It is hard to believe that August is here and back-to-school is just around the corner.  This week, let’s dust off some memorable lines from one of America’s most notable writers, Mark Twain.

Enjoy!

The secret of getting ahead is getting started.

When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old.

I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.

Let us so live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.

Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.

Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.

Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with.

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.

It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.

The best way to cheer yourself is to try to cheer someone else up.

The man who doesn’t read good books has no advantage over the man who can’t read them.

Thunder is good, thunder is impressive; but it is lightning that does the work.

It’s no wonder that truth is stranger than fiction. Fiction has to make sense.

Action speaks louder than words but not nearly as often.

All generalizations are false, including this one.

Thought for the Week

If the world comes to an end, I want to be in Cincinnati. Everything comes there ten years later.~ often attributed to Mark Twain

Friday Funny June 30, 2017 Grilling Time

Happy Friday!  It is hard to believe that 2017 is at the halfway point and that today is the last day of June! The Fourth of July is just a few days away, so, let’s celebrate with thankful hearts the blessings and freedom that we enjoy each and every day. And be safe out there around the grill!

Enjoy!

This 4th of July is almost upon  us.  A great time to celebrate independence and to reflect on the history and purpose of this country.

For many the fourth of July also means family gatherings and picnics.  With family gatherings and picnics come grilled stuff like hamburgers and hot dogs and ribs and chicken. Mankind has enjoyed a good cookout ever since the day that man first discovered fire.  It is a little known fact that immediately upon discovering fire, some saber tooth  tiger meat was put on the fire and the consensus was that barbecue was a tremendous improvement over raw meat.  

Yet from ancient times to the present day, man has always had the challenge of getting the fire to just the right temperature for proper grilling. One of the great inventions to aid in this endeavor was the invention of charcoal.  The problem with charcoal is waiting for the coals to be hot and ready for cooking. Have you ever lit the grill and waited and waited and waited only to go back expecting nice red, hot coals yet find only cold, black coals because the coals just did not catch fire?

Over the years many great minds have worked on inventions and improvements to help us reduce that long period of waiting for the charcoal to get hot so that we can get down to the business of grilling.  We used to have to get the bag of charcoal and the can of lighter fluid out. You would arrange the coals, pour the lighter fluid, light the fire (trying not to scorch your eyebrows) and wait. Then you would add more lighter fluid, light the fire again (trying not to get engulfed in the fireball) and wait some more. Then came the charcoal with the lighter fluid in the coals where you light the coals and wait, then go find the can of lighter fluid, pour the lighter fluid, light the fire (trying not to scorch your eyebrows) and wait some more. Even better are the small bags that you simply put the bag in the grill, light the bag and wait, then go find the can of lighter fluid, pour the lighter fluid, light the fire (trying not to scorch your eyebrows) and wait some more. Many people have opted for gas grills for the ease of lighting and the quick warm-up time and to avoid having scorched eyebrows.

Now comes the next great leap grilling technology.  Engineers at Purdue University have made quantum leaps in the science of grill lighting. They have put their quantitative brains to work on how to speed up this process. The first thought was to blow on the charcoal with a hair dryer to speed things along. The next thought was that if a hair dryer was good, maybe a vacuum cleaner would be even better. Then as their “Tim the Toolman Taylor” thinking took over they moved onto a propane torch then an acetylene torch. Still not satisfied, they moved onto compressed oxygen and finally to liquid oxygen. Yes the stuff that is 295 degrees below zero and is the form of oxygen used as rocket fuel. This produces a 10,000 degree fireball that can have those coals ready for the burgers in a mere three seconds. So, if things are running a little late on the grill tomorrow, just grab a little liquid oxygen and you’ll be grilling in no time. Your eyebrows can always grow back later.

Happy Grilling!

What do you get if you cut two legs off a cow?…………….lean beef!

What do you get if you cut four things off a cow?…………ground beef!

Thought for the Week

You have to love a nation that celebrates its independence every July 4, not with a parade of guns, tanks, and soldiers who file by the White House in a show of strength and muscle, but with family picnics where kids throw Frisbees, the potato salad gets iffy, and the flies die from happiness. You may think you have overeaten, but it is patriotism. ~Erma Bombeck

http://www.quotegarden.com