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Friday Funny May 17, 2024 Vacation Jokes

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Happy Friday!  Memorial Day is almost here and that brings the unofficial start of summer and the vacation season.  So, let’s kick off this Friday with some vacation jokes.

Enjoy!

Did you hear about the music note that went on vacation because it needed a rest?

Did you hear about the bread that went on vacation because it needed to loaf around?

Did you hear about the banker who went on vacation because he needed change?

Did you hear about the astronaut who went on vacation because he needed more space?

Did you hear about the shoe that went on vacation to do a little soul-searching?

Did you hear about the magician who went on vacation because he needed to disappear for a while?

Did you hear about the battery that went on vacation because it needed to recharge?

Did you hear about the paperclip that needed a vacation because it was bent out of shape?

Did you hear about the laptop that went on vacation because it needed to reboot?

Did you hear about the coffee maker that went on vacation to get away from the daily grind?

Did you hear about the drill that went on vacation because it was bored?

My wife says that being married to me is like being on vacation for the rest of her life, she says I was her last resort.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“A vacation should be just long enough for the boss to miss you, and not long enough for him to discover how well he can get along without you.” ~ Jacob Morton Braude

Friday Funny March 15, 2024 Beware These Ides of March Jokes.

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Happy Friday!  Since today is March 15, I thought I would take a stab at some Ides of March jokes.

Enjoy!

Today is March 15, The Ides of March. But do you know what time it officially starts? At two.

How do Romans cut a pizza?  With a pair of Caesars.

Today is the Ides of March, so don’t forget to stab your Caesar salad 23 times.

Celebrate the Ides of March with a donut. In fact, eat two, Brute.

Would you call the pieces of green stuff left in the bottom of a bowl of Caesar salad, the last romaines?

Julius Caesar walks into McDonald’s. He holds up two fingers and says, “Give me five Big Macs.”

I read that Julius Caesar was not a very good musician.  It seems he always had trouble with the sharp notes.

I read that Julius Caesar had to go to the dermatologist because he had so many lesions.

Is it true that Julius Caesar crossed the road to conquer the other side?

I read that once, when Julius Caesar was redecorating his place that the flooring installer asked what he wanted done to do the old floor boards.  His response was, “Carpet dem.”

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“The evil that men do lives after them. The good is oft interred with their bones.”~ Mark Antony (Act 3, Scene 2), Julius Caesar, William Shakespeare

Check out my podcast at https://www.iheart.com/podcast/269-leonard-looks-at-life-126237165/

Friday Funny March 8, 2024 Bear Jokes

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Happy Friday!  We are a full week into March and Spring is just around the corner!  Spring means things will turn greener and flowers will start to bloom.  It also means that bears will come out of hibernation. So, if you will bear with me, here are a few jokes to kick off the weekend.

Enjoy!

If you cross a grizzly bear and a harp would you get a bear faced lyre?

If you cross a skunk with a bear would you get Winnie the PU?

Is it true that bears do not use GPS because they never lose their bearings?

I heard that pandas save money when they print photos because most of their pictures are black and white.

Would you call a bear that jumps but never lands Peter Panda?

Did you hear about the koala who got fired from his job because he would only do the bear minimum?

Did you hear about the optimistic who wanted to spread pawsitivity?

Did you hear about the bear couple who broke up because they were polar opposites?

Did you hear about the bear was not efficient at work? His colleagues said he was good fur nothing.

If you ever enter into a contract with a bear, make sure that the claws are clearly defined.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.” ~ Søren Kierkegaard

You can find the newest episode of my podcast “Leonard Looks at Life” at this link

https://www.iheart.com/podcast/269-leonard-looks-at-life-126237165/episode/in-spring-a-young-mans-fancy-156545538/

Friday Funny February 16, 2024 Some Cheesy Jokes – Literally

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Happy Friday!  As we come to another weekend, I decided to share some rather cheesy jokes. You might disa-brie, but I think they are kind of gouda.

Enjoy!

Would you call a giant monster made of cheese Gorgonzilla?

Would you call a cheese’s enemy his arch nemeswiss?

I heard about a cheese factory that exploded in France, there was nothing left but de-brie.

I heard about a block of cheese that did not want to get sliced because it had grater plans.

I think I have an addiction to cheddar cheese but it is only mild.

Did you hear about the cheese start lifting weights at the gym because it wanted to get shredded?

Did you hear about the cheese that went to the art museum to get cultured?

Did you hear about the medieval castle that was surrounded with cheese? It was Moat-zarella.

The other night I was watching a documentary about mozzarella cheese, it was G-rated.

What did Shakespeare say as he was making a cheese plate? To brie or not to brie.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.” ~ Søren Kierkegaard

Please check out my podcast at this link https://www.deezer.com/en/show/1000572162

Friday Funny January 19, 2023 Robin Hood Jokes

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Happy Friday!  While we are in the cold, dreary days of January, let’s try to brighten the day with a few jokes regardless of whether you are rich or the poor.

Enjoy!

I heard that Robin Hood always buys his flowers at Sherwood Florist.

I heard that Robin Hood’s least favorite font is Sans-sheriff.

My doctor gave me a shot to prevent me from becoming Robin Hood. Yes, it prevents MenInTightus.

Is it true that Robin Hood ties his shoe-laces with a long bow!

Is it true that Robin Hood’s favorite store is Target?

Is it true that Robin Hood’s favorite flavor of ice cream is bos-nilla?

Is it true that Robin Hood could not hit the target because3 all his arrows were all in a quiver?

I read that Robin and his Merry Men robbed a music store last week, apparently they made off with the lute.

Robin Hood tried to tell his archery bow a joke, but he could not get a quiver of laughter.

Relationship advice from Robin Hood, “aim for the heart.”

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Keep Your Chin Up. Someday There’ll Be Happiness Again in Nottingham, You’ll See.” ~ Robin Hood in Disney’s “Robin Hood”

Friday Funny January 5, 2024 – Random Jokes, Thoughts & Questions for the New Year

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Happy Friday!  I hope that 2024 is off to a good start for you.  Here are some random jokes, thoughts and questions for the first Fiday of the new year.

Enjoy!

A dung beetle walks into a diner and asks, ‘Is this stool taken?’

I failed math so many times at school, I can’t even count.

My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline. She hit the ceiling!

I think that people who use selfie sticks should take a good, long look at themselves.

If a parsley farmer gets sued, can they garnish his wages?

My friend’s bakery burned down last night. Now his business is toast.

The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself, ‘This changes everything.’

Searching for a new laptop online is basically forcing your current computer to dig its own grave.

The number of people older than you never goes up.

History classes are only going to get longer and harder as time goes on.

 If life were a video game, what would your stats look like?

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Never underestimate the power you have to take your life in a new direction.”~ Germany Kent

Friday Funny November 10, 2023 Take A Few More Jokes And Call Me In The Morning

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I also have a podcast – check it out at https://www.buzzsprout.com/2234608

Happy Friday!  It seems like before we hit the holiday season, we are already hitting cold & flu season. 

Stay well and enjoy a few “sick” jokes!

It seems like a lot of sickness is going around this time of year, watch out for the symptoms of the Amish flu. First you get a little horse, then a little buggy.

Did you hear about the new gingerbread man flu strain? Don’t worry, you probably won’t catch it.

Did you hear about the strain of the flu that joined Instagram? She became an influenza!

I had the swine flu but I think I am cured.  Now I have the bacon flu.

I am not kidding, If I have to explain the Latin term “ad nauseum” one more time, I think I am going to be sick.

My wife gave me a “Get better soon” card. I am not sick, she just thinks I can get better.

Did you hear about the beekeeper that went to the doctor because she had hives?

If someone is doing yoga while they have the flu, would they be sick and twisted?

I was going to put a dart board on my ceiling, but I did not want to throw up.

I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“For every ailment under the sun, There is a remedy, or there is none, If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it.”~ Mother Goose

Friday Funny October 27, 2023 A Bagful of Vampire Jokes

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It is almost time for Trick or Treat!  So, to set the mood, I dusted off my copy of “Vampire Jokes and Cartoons”, Edited by Phil Hirsch and Paul Laikin, Pyramid Books, 1974.  Somethings get better with age, unfortunately, these jokes are not among those things.  On the bright side, almost fifty years later, I am still getting something out of my $0.95 investment!

It is hard for me to accept that this blog is almost ten years old.  If you have enjoyed the blog, I would invite to check out my new podcast as well – Leonard Looks at Life – you can find it at https://www.buzzsprout.com/2234608

Enjoy!

What was the vampire doing driving on the turnpike? – Looking for the main artery!

Why do vampires like comedians? – They like things in a jocular vein!

Why aren’t vampires’ good gamblers? – They’re always making sucker bets!

Why did the vampire dig for gold? – He wanted to strike a rich vein!

What kind of work do vampires do? — They file their teeth!

Where do you usually find vampires? – In any neck of the woods!

When does a vampire have a bad day? – When he gets up on the wrong side of the coffin!

What happens when vampires get together? – They drive each other bats!

What kind of first aid to vampires give? – Mouth-to-neck resuscitation!

How do you kill a hungry vampire? – You drive a steak through his heart!

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“I got a rock.” ~ Charlie Brown in “It’s The Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown”

Friday Funny September 8, 2023 Even More Dad Jokes

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Happy Friday!  It has been a bit since I have shared some Dad Jokes, so here goes.

Enjoy!

My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.

I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes. Turns out it was the refrigerator all along.

I was going to tell a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it will get a reaction.

I was going to tell a joke about paper, but it was tear-able.

I used to play piano by ear. Now I use my hands.

You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.

I used to be a personal trainer, but I gave my too weak notice.

Would you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account, prime mates?

How do you get a good price on a sled? You have toboggan.

I think it is very inappropriate to tell ‘dad ‘ jokes if you are not a dad. In fact, I would call it a faux pa.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“My father didn’t tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it.” ~ Clarence Budington Kelland