Happy Friday and Happy February! 2023 is already 8% over! I hope the year is off to a good start for you. Let’s kick off the weekend with some random jokes chosen especially for you.
Enjoy!
I heard that when rainbows are bad they get sent to Prism, but it is a light sentence.
Here is an easy way to tell the gender of an ant. Put it in a glass of water. If it sinks it’s a girl ant. If it floats it’s buoyant.
I was reading a story about a claustrophobic astronaut, apparently he just needed some space.
I like jokes about stationery, but rulers are where I draw the line.
If 70% of the earth is water, and virtually none of it is carbonated, could we say that the earth is, in fact, flat?
This morning I saw a person dragging a clam on a leash behind him and it occurred to me that it must be hard to walk with a pulled mussel.
As part of my New Year’s routine, I have started doing crunches twice a day. Captain in the morning. Nestle in the afternoon.
Did you know that you can hear the blood in your veins? You just have to listen varicosely.
Did you hear the one about the donut that went to the Dentist? It needed a filling.
Would you call a dog that has been run over by a steamroller, Spot?
I have been a bookkeeper for 10 years. The library is not very happy about it.
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
“A wise man will make more opportunities than he finds.” ~Francis Bacon (1561–1626)
Happy Friday! Happy Hannukah! Merry Christmas! The forecast where I am has the weather turning quite frightful for the next day or so. But let me send warm wishes to you and yours this weekend!
Enjoy!
Leonard
“Remember that the important thing is not what you give, or how you wrap it. The important thing, during this very special time of year, is that you save the receipt.” ~ Dave Barry
“I bought my brother some gift wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.” ~ Steven Wright
“Santa Claus has the right idea — visit people only once a year.”~ Victor Borge
“I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph.” ~ Shirley Temple
“It’s Christmas Eve! It’s the one night of the year when we all act a little nicer, we smile a little easier, we cheer a little more. For a couple of hours out of the whole year, we are the people that we always hoped we would be.” ~ Bill Murray – Scrooged
“People really act weird at Christmas time! What other time of year do you sit in front of a dead tree in the living room and eat nuts and sweets out of your socks?” ~ Unknown
“Christmas is a time when you get homesick, even if you’re home.” ~ Carol Nelson
“I wish we could put some of our Christmas spirit in jars and open one up every month.” ~ Unknown
“He who has not Christmas in his heart will never find it under a tree.” ~ Roy L. Smith
“A good holiday is one spent among people whose notions of time are vaguer than yours.” ~John B. Priestly
“Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the Holiday Season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we see a shopper emerge from the mall, then we follow her, in very much the same spirit as the Three Wise Men, who 2,000 years ago followed a star, week after week, until it led them to a parking space.” ~ Dave Berry
“As we struggle with shopping lists and invitations, compounded by December’s bad weather, it is good to be reminded that there are people in our lives who are worth this aggravation, and people to whom we are worth the same.” ~ Donald E. Westlake
“Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present.” ~Unknown
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
And the angel said to them, “Fear not, for behold, I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. – Luke 2:10
Happy Friday and a special Happy Veterans Day to all those who have served!
Enjoy!
You know that a veteran has been making chocolate chips cookies when you find a find a lot of M&M shells on the floor.
Is it true that when a veteran cooks dinner that he seasons the food with pepper spray and a salt rifle?
If a cow joined the army would they issue her a cow-moo-flage uniform?
If the military developed a new weapon-grade variety of laser would it be an ultra-violent light?
Is it true that you cannot be in the military if you are on Twitter because they do not want people who are quick to retweet?
Where do Generals keep their armies? In their sleevies.
Would you call a high-ranking soldier who hates recycling General Waste?
If a deer enlisted in the Air Force would he be a Bombar(deer)?
Did you hear about the professional artist who was discharged from the Marines? It seems the only thing he could do was draw fire.
What do Marines have in common with other members of the Armed Forces? They all originally set out to become Marines.
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
“The soldier above all others prays for peace, for it is the soldier who must suffer and bear the deepest wounds and scars of war.” — General Douglas MacArthur
Happy Friday! We are starting to see a lot of spooky decorations on houses and horror movies on TV, but here are some jokes that you have no need to fear.
Enjoy!
If you have an irrational fear of Vietnamese soup, is that a Pho-bia?
If you have an irrational fear of Giants, do you have Fi Fo-bia?
If you have an irrational fear of overengineered buildings arranged near each other is that a complex complex complex?
I have developed an irrational fear of agoraphobics. Fortunately, I don’t see them out that much.
I have developed an irrational fear of elevators and I am taking steps to avoid them.
I have developed an irrational fear of airline boarding queues, it appears to be a terminal illness.
I have developed an irrational fear of playing cards, but I a dealing with it.
I have developed an irrational fear of negative numbers and I will stop at nothing to avoid them.
I have developed an irrational fear about this recession and I fear that I may go bald.
I was hesitant to send out a bunch of phobia jokes, I was afraid no one would think they were funny.
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
“I’m not afraid of storms, for I’m learning how to sail my ship.”~-Louisa May Alcott
Happy Friday! This evening, as I prepare this, the “Field of Dreams” Baseball Game is taking place in Iowa between the Reds and Cubs. So, in honor of Field of Dreams, here are some of the corniest jokes I could find.
Enjoy!
Is it true that melons do not have weddings because they cantaloupe.
Did you hear about the sailor who could not learn the alphabet? It seems he kept getting lost at C.
Is it true that grass is dangerous because it is full of blades?
Is it true that the best way to tell a dogwood tree is by its bark?
If two snails get into a fight, do they slug it out?
Is it true that the most condescending bear is the pan-duh?
Would you call a priest who becomes a lawyer a father-in-law?
Is it true that cows have hooves and not feet because they lactose?
Is it true that Waldo only wears striped shirts because he doesn’t want to be spotted?
Is it true that pancakes do well at baseball because they have a better batter?
I read that swords will never become obsolete because they are cutting edge technology.
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
“The earth produces by itself, first the blade, then the ear, then the full grain in the ear. “ ~ Mark 4:28
Happy Friday! Computers have infiltrated pretty much every aspect of our life, so we might as well have some computer jokes as well.
Enjoy!
Is it true that the computer was tired when it got home because if had had a hard drive?
Is it true that the computer crossed the road because it was programmed by a chicken?
If you crossed a computer programmer with an athlete, would you get a disk-us thrower?
Did the computer sneeze because if had a virus?
When computers get hungry do they eat chips?
The other day I went to a restaurant and a computer came up to me and said,“I’ll be your server today.”
My co-workers call me “The Computer”. It has nothing to do with my intelligence. I just go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes
If you think that your computer, laptop and phone spying on you is scary then think again, because your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
Is it true that after work computer programmers go out and grab a byte?
Our computers went down at work today so we had to do everything manually. It took me a few minutes to shuffle the cards for Solitaire.
I was going to tell more jokes about computers, but they are not very PC.
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
“Never trust a computer you can’t throw out a window” ~Steve Wozniak
Leonard's Lines 