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Friday Funny April 2, 2021 Hare Raising Humor

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Happy Friday! Happy Easter! Happy Passover! Here is wishing you a wonderful weekend.

Enjoy!

Do you know what the Easter Bunny gets for making a basket?  He gets two points, just like everyone else.

If you crossed the Easter Bunny with a leaf blower would you get a hare dryer?

Would you call a group of rabbits hopping backward a receding hare line?

I have heard that the only truly rich bunny is the one who realizes he has enough carrots.

I have heard that the Easter Bunny stays healthy through a strict regimen of Eggs-ercise, specifically hare-obics.

Did you hear what happened when 100 hares got loose on Main Street? The police had to comb the area.

Is it true that the favorite books for bunnies to read are the ones with hoppy endings?

Is it true the Easter Bunny does not use a comb, but instead he uses a hare brush?

Is it true after Easter the Easter Bunny will be working at IHOP?

Did you hear about the bunnies that went on strike in order to get a raise in celery?

Do you know how to catch a unique bunny? Unique up on it!

Do you know how to catch a tame bunny? The tame way!

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“For I remember it is Easter morn,
And life and love and peace are all new born.”
~Alice Freeman Palmer

WWW.QUOTEGARDEN.COM

Friday Funny March 26, 2021 Spring Jokes

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Happy Friday! Congratulations – you have survived winter. Now spring is here and the hope of the world springing back to live.

Enjoy spring and some spring jokes!

Is it true that after the most common feeling among trees in the spring is re-leaf?

It is that time of year when my winter fat turns int o spring rolls.

I heard that you can tell the difference between spring rolls and summer rolls by their seasoning.

I saw a commercial that the furniture store was celebrating the end of winter with a spring sale; however, mattresses are still full price.

I have a friend who is a writer, each spring he suffers from a bad case of allegories.

I dread spring cleaning this time of year, I wish I’d never bought that Slinky.

The other day I put my foot through a trampoline, I have been walking with a spring in my step ever since.

Did you hear about the flower that could not ride a bike because it had lost its petals?

The spring onions that sprang up in yard have started singing hip hop, those little rap scallions.

I was working through the kitchen last night and thought that I could hear the spring onions singing a BeeGees song, it turned out that it was just the chives talking.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“If people did not love one another, I really don’t see what use there would be in having any spring.” ~ Victor Hugo

Friday Funny March 19, 2021 March Madness

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Happy Friday! This week, in honor of March Madness, we will tip off the weekend with some basketball jokes.

Enjoy!

This week I saw a woman in Walmart who had March Madness teeth, she was down to the final four!

Did the college basketball player sign up for a crafting class because he wanted to learn how to make baskets?

Is it true that basketball players eat donuts just so they can dunk them?

What is the difference between a star basketball player and time? Time passes.

Why did the college basketball coach only play 14 holes of golf with his team? Because they couldn’t make it to the Final Four.

If you invite flat-earther friend to play basketball will he show up with a frisbee?

Did you hear about the anti-vax basketball team that lost every game during the season?  Apparently, they never took any shots.

Was Cinderella such a bad basketball player because her coach was a pumpkin?

Did you hear about the basketball player who was having trouble with his bank account?  It seems all his checks were bouncing.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

I used to be addicted to March Madness, but I rebounded.

“There are really only two plays:  Romeo and Juliet, and put the darn ball in the basket.”  ~Abe Lemons

Friday Funny March 12, 2021 More Murphy’s Law Corollaries

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Happy Friday!  The big event this weekend is Springing Forward.  I have always wondered why the time does not take effect until 2:00AM, it always wears me out to stay up that late to change my clocks!  This week, let’s consider some corollaries to Murphy’s Law.

Enjoy!

The legibility of a copy is inversely proportional to its importance.

You can always find what you’re not looking for.

Of two possible events, only the undesired one will occur.

In front of every silver lining there is a cloud.

Any problem can be overcome given enough time and money; however, there is never enough time or money.

Brilliant ideas are seldom remembered while stupid statements are seldom forgotten.

Being dead right, does not make one less dead.

A bird in the hand is worth whatever someone will bid for it on eBay.

A committee has the capacity to make a decision that is worse than any of its members could make individually.

A penny saved is not worth as much as it used to be.

You can always find research will tend to support your theory.

You can always find what you’re not looking for.

Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune times.

For every vision there is an equal and opposite revision.

For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Every solution produces a new and opposite problem.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“In the end, everything will be okay. If it’s not okay, it’s not yet the end.” ~Fernando Sabino

http://WWW.QUOTEGARDEN.COM

Friday Funny January 1, 2021 My Predictions

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Happy Friday! Happy New Years! Good Bye 2020!!

As we prepare for a new and hopefully better year, I dug out my crystal ball and as I gazed intently into it, I saw that the following are in store for 2021.  This time next year, you can pull this out and you will be amazed at the uncanny accuracy of my predictions.

Enjoy!

  • There will be weather on a daily basis, sometimes it will be severe.
  • The stock market will go up or perhaps it will go down.
  • A famous celebrity couple will break up.
  • Someone will predict the end of the world.
  • We will see some technological advancements.
  • Your Chia Pet will not survive the new year.
  • In many parts of the country the temperature will be above or below normal.
  • There will be hiccups in the recovery if the economy.
  • You probably will not lose that 20 pounds you plan on losing.
  • The CDC Guidelines on COVID will change.
  • There will be upheaval somewhere in the world.
  • The Cincinnati Bengals will not be in the Super Bowl.
  • There will be a major data breach that impacts millions of people.
  • The price of a gallon of gas will fluctuate.
  • More than one famous person will die unexpectedly.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Write it on your heart that every day is the best day in the year.” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

White Christmas – Bah! Humbug!

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Christmas is almost here and I have to vent, just for a moment.  I am not a Grinch or a Scrooge but I have to say that I would be fine if it is a long, long time before I hear White Christmas by Bing Crosby or anyone else for that matter. 

“I’m dreaming of a white Christmas – Just like the ones I used to know”

JUST like the ones I used to know?

My usual Christmas during my life spent in Ohio, Kentucky, Texas and Alabama has been snow free many, many more times than it has been snowy.

“Where the tree tops glisten – And children listen -To hear sleigh bells in the snow”

I have never in my life heard sleigh bells in the snow.

“I’m dreaming of a white Christmas – With every Christmas card I write”

These days I write only a few Christmas cards, does that translate into dreaming less about a White Christmas?

According to a NOAA National Climatic Data Center based on weather data collected from 1981 to 2010, there is only one large city in America that consistently more than a 70% chance of a White Christmas and that is Minneapolis. In fact, in the Lower 48 states only 24.8% have a White Christmas.

So, we end up having sentimental “memories” that perhaps never existed and we set up Christmas to be this sentimental experience that has high odds of disappointment for most of us and obviously the further South you live, the more likely that the sentimentality of the song makes no sense to your personal history.

Let me suggest that we listen a little less to White Christmas and a little more to Do You Hear What I Hear?

Pray for peace, people everywhere!
Listen to what I say!
The Child, the Child, sleeping in the night
He will bring us goodness and light

Instead of dreaming for something that we have absolutely no control over and is very likely to disappoint us, let’s pray and work for peace for people everywhere and to bring light to a world that seems to be getting darker all the time.

Perhaps old Mr. Scrooge would say, even AFTER the encounters with the three Spirits, “every idiot who goes about with a ‘I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas ‘ on his lips should be boiled with his own pudding, and buried with a stake of holly through his heart.”

Thanksgiving Up In Smoke

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Thanksgiving is one of those holidays that, for most of us, is filled with memories:  memories of gatherings, memories of food, fond memories with family and friends.  This year Thanksgiving will be a different one and a memorable one in a number of ways.

For me, one of the most memorable Thanksgiving was in 1980 and it hard to believe it was forty years ago.  I was a senior in college and Thanksgiving break is ALWAYS welcome when one is in college.  The break usually means being home with family, sleeping in your own bed, eating some real home cooking and spending time with people that you do not get to see near as often as you used to.

Thanksgiving Day itself was nothing out of the ordinary and to be honest, I do not have many memories of that day.  However, the break took an eventful turn on Saturday morning.  I had transferred to Miami University after my sophomore year and had rented an apartment with two friends I had known since grade school.  Saturday morning I had a call from Joe who had received a call from Randy.  Randy’s Dad had heard on the radio that there had been a fire at our apartment in Oxford.  So, the three of us headed to Oxford from Dayton to see what was going on.  Upon our arrival we found that most of the third floor of the three floor apartment building was gone and, unfortunately, we lived on the third floor.

It is rather amazing that there were no firemen or anyone there to keep us out, so we went up to the third floor to have a  look around.  What we saw was not very pretty as the above picture of my bed can show.  We dragged out some stuff, most of which was thrown away as soon as we unloaded it at home.  It is interesting to see one’s entire album collection fused together in one mass.  I did trim the burnt edges off of my Cost Accounting book so that I could use for the Advanced Cost Accounting course.  

It is said that there is always a silver lining and there was a silver lining that rose out of the ashes that was my college apartment.  My Dad received an insurance check to help cover the loss.  Out of what came in the check, he gave me a portion.  There were two items that I purchased with the insurance money.  The first thing I bought was Wilson A2000 baseball glove which I still have in my possession and used up until COVID took softball away this year.  The other, more expensive and perhaps the more important purchase I made was an engagement ring.  (It was 1/4 carat, the insurance check was not that big.)  Fortunately the engagement ring is still in use as well.

This Thanksgiving will be different, but hopefully there will still be a roof over your head when Saturday morning rolls around.

 

Robot Curling – The Beginning of the End?

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With all that is going on in the world these days, you might have missed the recent news about curling.  OK, if there was nothing going on in the world, you probably would have missed any news about curling.  However, there was development last month that might have some serious implications for the curling world, the sport world, and perhaps humanity itself.

The big curling news was that a robot named Curly (apparently besides being boring, curling types are also not very creative) beat not one, but two elite Korean national teams. If you are not familiar with curling, the sport is sort of a mix of bowling, chess, and sweeping the floor. A player called the “thrower” gently slides a mutant-puck made of granite, aka “stone”, releasing it before crossing  a boundary line, aka “hogline.” The idea is to glide the stone 100 feet down the rink to the target, aka “house.” Then the  opposing team does the same thing, so both teams try accumulate stones in the house. At the end of the round, the team with the stone closest to the center of the target gets a point. If that team has extra stones closer to the center than the opposing team, those tally additional points. Yes, this sounds as riveting as it actually is, aka “not.”

The point is that Curly is actually a big achievement in machine intelligence, one that could have implications for robotics beyond the rink.  Perhaps in the future, you might see robot curling in the Olympics, perhaps that might lead to other robot sports:  robot bob-sledding, robot hockey, robot football, robot boxing, robot baseball.  Who know where it might end?  Perhaps it will go beyond sports to other things.  But before you get too excited about the robot enhanced future watch “The Matrix” or “Terminator.”  I don’t think those movies really went into details of how the robot revolution begain, maybe they started with curlling?

 

Friday Funny October 9, 2020 Squirrel Jokes

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Happy Friday!  Fall is in the air, the leaves are changing color and the squirrels are out gathering food for the coming winter.  So, why not a few squirrel jokes to kick off this Friday?

Enjoy!

If the way to catch a squirrel is to climb up a tree and act like a nut – then

     Would you catch a Polynesian squirrel by climbing a tree and acting like a coconut?

     Would you catch a squirrel for the holidays by climbing a tree and acting like nutmeg?

     Would you catch a rich squirrel by climbing a tree and acting like a cashew?

Did the blind man cross the road because his dog saw a squirrel?

Is a squirrel’s favorite way to watch TV by streaming Nut-flix?

The other day, I was chasing a squirrel in my back yard. The squirrel ran up a tree and I totaled my car.

I got kicked out of the park today for arranging the squirrels by height, it seems they did not appreciate my critter sizing.

————————————————————————————————————————————

A squirrel was sitting on the branch of a tree when suddenly it began shaking violently.  He looks down and is quite surprised to see an elephant climbing up the tree.  “What in the world are you doing?” cried the squirrel. “I want to come up and eat some cherries,” replied the elephant.  “This is an oak tree, there aren’t any cherries here,” said the squirrel.  “It’s okay,” said the elephant. “I’ve brought my own.”

——————————————————————————————————————————-

There was a man who trying to cross the street. As he steps off the curb a car comes screaming around the corner and heads straight for him.

Frightened, the man begins to walk faster, trying to hurry across the street, but the car changes lanes and continues coming at him.

So the guy quickly turns around to go back the way he come, but the car changes lanes again and is still coming right at him. By now, the car is so close and the man is so scared that he just freezes and stops in the middle of the road. The car gets within inches, then swerves at the last possible moment and screeches to a halt next him.

The driver rolls down the window. To the man’s astonishment, the driver is a squirrel! The squirrel looks at the man and yells, “See! It’s not as easy as it looks, is it!?”

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

The first requirement in taking a step in the right direction is to take a step in some direction. ~Robert Brault, rbrault.blogspot.com

http://WWW.QUOTEGARDEN.COM

Things That Irritate Me – #17 Self-Serve Coffee Preparers

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I admit that there are a few things in life that irritate me, my wife would say there are a LOT of things that irritate me.  One of the things that I get irritated and impatient with is the person that tends to be in front of me at the hotel self-serve coffee bar.  I go to the coffee bar at the hotel bar for what, I think is the obvious reason – I would like a cup of coffee.  However, it seems like I always get a person in front of me who either thinks they are auditioning for a career as a barista ore believes that pouring a cup of coffee is some sort of abstract performance art.

My process consists of the following steps:

  1. grab a cup
  2. pour coffee
  3. stir
  4. grab a lid
  5. get out of the way

Depending on how fast the coffee flows out of the decanter, this process can take as little as 5 seconds.

HOWEVER, I the person that inevitably is in front of me at the coffee bar usually goes through the following steps:

  1. thoughtfully select a cup
  2. thoughtfully examine all coffee decanters in view
  3. thoughtfully examine all other items on the coffee bar
  4. fill cup 3/8s full from one decanter
  5. thoughtfully take a sip of coffee
  6. fill cup another 3/8s from another decanter
  7. thoughtfully take a sip of coffee
  8. pick up a sugar packet, shake for 5 seconds, tear and deposit sugar in coffee
  9. stir coffee
  10. thoughtfully take a sip of coffee
  11. pick up another  sugar packet, shake for 5 seconds, tear and deposit sugar in coffee
  12. stir coffee
  13. thoughtfully take a sip of coffee
  14. add half and half to coffee
  15. stir coffee
  16. thoughtfully take a sip of coffee
  17. add honey to coffee
  18. stir coffee
  19. thoughtfully take a sip of coffee
  20. add a touch of cinnamon to coffee
  21. stir coffee
  22. thoughtfully take a sip of coffee
  23. add almond milk to coffee
  24. stir coffee
  25. thoughtfully take a sip of coffee
  26. pick up another  sugar packet, shake for 5 seconds, tear and deposit sugar in coffee
  27. stir coffee
  28. thoughtfully take a sip of coffee
  29. thoughtfully select a lid
  30. put lid on while being certain to remain in the middle of the coffee bar
  31. thoughtfully take a sip of coffee
  32. slowly begin to walk away

While I watch this process takes place, I am certain that several minutes have elapsed and I am now more in need of my coffee than ever.  I approach the coffee bar and 5 seconds later I have my coffee and am on way.  I do notice as I walk away that the person who was in front of me has turned around and is heading back to the coffee bar with a thoughtful look on her face.