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Friday Funny December 8, 2017 Holiday Eating Tips

Happy Friday!  The holiday party season is in full swing.  It is that time of year when are tempted day in and day out by an endless array of delicious goodies.  So, as your approach this holiday season, I thought I would offer you some useful holiday eating tips.

Enjoy!

1. Avoid vegetable trays. Anyone who puts a vegetable tray on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit (or just can’t cook).   A vegetable tray might be acceptable if it is accompanied with high calorie, artery-clogging dip. Otherwise save the vegetable tray for January when that New Year’s Diet begins.

2.  Remember that this is the time of year when just about anything can be covered with gravy or chocolate sauce.  However, I would avoid using both on the same food item.

3.  If something comes with gravy, especially giblet gravy, use it. That’s the whole point of gravy. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Get more mashed potatoes and create a gravy moat surrounding your island of mashed potatoes.  Go ahead and play with your food, you know you want to.  (Sit a safe distance away from anyone who makes models of the “Devil’s Tower” out of mashed potatoes.)

4. Nutritionists tell us that a healthy diet includes color on the plate, especially reds, yellows and greens.  So, just to be safe, add a handful of M&M’s to each plate of food you have.

5. Fruit and nuts are an important part of your diet.  So do not skimp on the apple pie, cherry pie and pecan pie.

6.Forget the exercise routine until January when you have nothing else to do and you have started that diet. You will get plenty of exercise doing laps around the buffet table  while carrying a 10-pound plate of food in each hand..

7.The Magic of Christmas eliminates all of the calories from homemade cookies, fudge, peanut brittle, pies, cakes , dinner rolls and cinnamon rolls.  So enjoy to your heart’s desire but only if they are homemade.

8. We know oatmeal is good for you so do not skip it this holiday season.  I prefer my oatmeal in the form of oatmeal chocolate chip cookies.

9. Remember there are limits on how much you can eat.  So do not waste any of your calorie capacity on fruitcake or mincemeat pie.  (You would be better off with a vegetable tray.)

10. One final tip: If you can comfortably get up from the table, you’re not trying hard enough.  You have trained all year for this, don’t give up now!

Thought for the Week

Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn’t before!
“Maybe Christmas,” he thought, “doesn’t come from a store.”
“Maybe Christmas…perhaps…means a little bit more!” ~ Dr. Seuss

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Friday Funny September 1, 2017 Stars and Shingles

Happy Friday and Happy Labor Day!  I hope you have a chance to kick back a little bit and relax this weekend.  Here are a couple of jokes to jump start your weekend.

Enjoy!

STAR OF THE EUPHRATES

King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. He was down to his last great possession, the most valuable diamond known in the ancient world, the Star of the Euphrates, But the kink was desperate, so he went to Giddius, the pawnbroker, to get a loan.

Giddius said, “I’ll give you 100,000 dinars for it.”

“But I paid a million dinars for it,” the king protested. “Don’t you know who I am!? I am the king!!”

Giddius simply replied, “I am sorry but when you wish to pawn a Star, it makes no difference who you are.”

SHINGLES

These days, it seems like more and more doctors are running their practices like an assembly lines. I heard about a guy who recently walked into a doctor’s office.  He was greeted by the receptionist who asked him what he had.

He said, “Shingles.”

The receptionist took down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse’s aid came out and asked him what he had.

He said, “Shingles.”

The nurse’s aid took down his height, his weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room. After a half-hour a nurse came in and asked him what he had.

He said, “Shingles.”

So the nurse gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, she then told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor. After another hour the doctor came in and asked him what he had.

He said, “Shingles.”

The doctor said, “Where do you have them?”

The man replied, “Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?”

Thought for the Week

God give me work, till my life shall end
And life, till my work is done.
~Epitaph of Winifred Holtby

http://www.quotegarden.com

Friday Funny August 4, 2017 Wise Words of Mark Twain

Happy Friday! It is hard to believe that August is here and back-to-school is just around the corner.  This week, let’s dust off some memorable lines from one of America’s most notable writers, Mark Twain.

Enjoy!

The secret of getting ahead is getting started.

When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old.

I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.

Let us so live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.

Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.

Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.

Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with.

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.

It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.

The best way to cheer yourself is to try to cheer someone else up.

The man who doesn’t read good books has no advantage over the man who can’t read them.

Thunder is good, thunder is impressive; but it is lightning that does the work.

It’s no wonder that truth is stranger than fiction. Fiction has to make sense.

Action speaks louder than words but not nearly as often.

All generalizations are false, including this one.

Thought for the Week

If the world comes to an end, I want to be in Cincinnati. Everything comes there ten years later.~ often attributed to Mark Twain

Friday Funny June 30, 2017 Grilling Time

Happy Friday!  It is hard to believe that 2017 is at the halfway point and that today is the last day of June! The Fourth of July is just a few days away, so, let’s celebrate with thankful hearts the blessings and freedom that we enjoy each and every day. And be safe out there around the grill!

Enjoy!

This 4th of July is almost upon  us.  A great time to celebrate independence and to reflect on the history and purpose of this country.

For many the fourth of July also means family gatherings and picnics.  With family gatherings and picnics come grilled stuff like hamburgers and hot dogs and ribs and chicken. Mankind has enjoyed a good cookout ever since the day that man first discovered fire.  It is a little known fact that immediately upon discovering fire, some saber tooth  tiger meat was put on the fire and the consensus was that barbecue was a tremendous improvement over raw meat.  

Yet from ancient times to the present day, man has always had the challenge of getting the fire to just the right temperature for proper grilling. One of the great inventions to aid in this endeavor was the invention of charcoal.  The problem with charcoal is waiting for the coals to be hot and ready for cooking. Have you ever lit the grill and waited and waited and waited only to go back expecting nice red, hot coals yet find only cold, black coals because the coals just did not catch fire?

Over the years many great minds have worked on inventions and improvements to help us reduce that long period of waiting for the charcoal to get hot so that we can get down to the business of grilling.  We used to have to get the bag of charcoal and the can of lighter fluid out. You would arrange the coals, pour the lighter fluid, light the fire (trying not to scorch your eyebrows) and wait. Then you would add more lighter fluid, light the fire again (trying not to get engulfed in the fireball) and wait some more. Then came the charcoal with the lighter fluid in the coals where you light the coals and wait, then go find the can of lighter fluid, pour the lighter fluid, light the fire (trying not to scorch your eyebrows) and wait some more. Even better are the small bags that you simply put the bag in the grill, light the bag and wait, then go find the can of lighter fluid, pour the lighter fluid, light the fire (trying not to scorch your eyebrows) and wait some more. Many people have opted for gas grills for the ease of lighting and the quick warm-up time and to avoid having scorched eyebrows.

Now comes the next great leap grilling technology.  Engineers at Purdue University have made quantum leaps in the science of grill lighting. They have put their quantitative brains to work on how to speed up this process. The first thought was to blow on the charcoal with a hair dryer to speed things along. The next thought was that if a hair dryer was good, maybe a vacuum cleaner would be even better. Then as their “Tim the Toolman Taylor” thinking took over they moved onto a propane torch then an acetylene torch. Still not satisfied, they moved onto compressed oxygen and finally to liquid oxygen. Yes the stuff that is 295 degrees below zero and is the form of oxygen used as rocket fuel. This produces a 10,000 degree fireball that can have those coals ready for the burgers in a mere three seconds. So, if things are running a little late on the grill tomorrow, just grab a little liquid oxygen and you’ll be grilling in no time. Your eyebrows can always grow back later.

Happy Grilling!

What do you get if you cut two legs off a cow?…………….lean beef!

What do you get if you cut four things off a cow?…………ground beef!

Thought for the Week

You have to love a nation that celebrates its independence every July 4, not with a parade of guns, tanks, and soldiers who file by the White House in a show of strength and muscle, but with family picnics where kids throw Frisbees, the potato salad gets iffy, and the flies die from happiness. You may think you have overeaten, but it is patriotism. ~Erma Bombeck

http://www.quotegarden.com

 

Friday Funny June 23, 2017 Ten Summer Travel Ideas for Kentucky

Happy Friday! Summer is officially here and for many that means travel and summer vacations.  If you are still searching for just the spot to spend your time this summer, here are a few spots in the Commonwealth of Kentucky that you might want to check out.

Enjoy!

Stegowagen-volkssaurus – W. Frank Steely Library at Northern Kentucky University, Highland Heights, KY.  In 1973 an art teacher at the University of Cincinnati and in 1973 recognized that the Volkswagen Beetle had the same humped shape as the body of the Stegosaurus. It then occurred to her that cars used fossil fuels (made from dinosaurs) and about how they might become extinct (like the dinosaurs). So, she took a year-long unpaid leave of absence from her job to create Stegowagenvolkssaurus, literally “shingle-covered-car-people’s-lizard.”

Vent Haven: Ventriloquist Museum – Ft. Mitchell, KY -While it might sound a bit creepy, Vent Haven (“vent” is lingo for “ventriloquist”) is housed in a private home and several small outbuildings on a pleasant, tree-shaded dead-end street in a sparkle-clean southern suburb of Cincinnati. Lisa Sweasy, the curator, is an energetic encyclopedia of ventriloquism facts and history, and she understands that one of her jobs is to be candid about dummy-phobia and to put visitors’ fears to rest.

Big Sandy Heritage Museum: Hatfield-McCoy – Pikeville, KY. The Big Sandy Heritage Museum serves two audiences: fans of the Hatfield-McCoy feud and fans of Pikeville and Pike County.  Hatfield-McCoy fans are the majority.  Just don’t get into a family feud on your visit.

The Harland Sanders Café – Corbin, KY – a historic restaurant located in  Corbin, Kentucky. Colonel Harland Sanders, the founder of Kentucky Fried Chicken, operated the restaurant from 1940-1956. Sanders also developed the famous KFC secret recipe at the café during the 1940s. It was added to the National Register of Historic Places on August 7, 1990.   

Duncan Hines Museum, Western Kentucky University, Bowling Green, KY -Duncan Hines was, in fact, real and you can see his smiling wax dummy Duncan Hines in his kitchen. He was a native of Bowling Green. Before “Duncan Hines” became a brand of cake mixes, the man was a trusted author of restaurant and lodging recommendations. He was passionate about good food and hospitality. .

Bank Robbed by Jesse James – Russellville,KY. –  – on HWY 68 you will find the old Southern Deposit Bank Building which is now the Logan County Museum.  However, when it was a bank; it was robbed by Jesse James. Every October, during the Tobacco Festival Parade, a re-enactment of the robbery is staged on the street in front of the Museum

World’s Largest Baseball Bat – Louisville Slugger Museum World’s Largest Baseball Bat – Louisville, KY. -120 feet tall and 68,000 pounds of steel. In addition to the bat, you can also tour the factory and museum where they make baseball bats for major league players.

Florence Y’all Water Tower – Florence, KY — When the Florence Mall in Boone County was laid out in the 1960s, the first thing built was a huge water tower. Since this was visible from I-75, they decided to promote the mall by painting Florence Mall on the tower. However, someone decided that it was illegal to “advertise” the Mall on a public utility.  The cheapest and easiest solution was to change the “M” to “Y’” so “Mall” became “Y’all” a noted landmark to this day.

Monkey’s Eyebrow, KY – There are several Kentucky sites with odd names but you just can’t top Monkey’s Eyebrow, located in northern Ballard County, on Ky. Hwy. 473.

Wagersville, KY – On HWY 89 south of Irvine you can pass by (don’t blink) the remnants of Wagersville and yes, I am related to those Wagers.  After you see Wagersville you can take a hike up nearby Happy Top Mountain one of the highest points in Estill County.

Thought for the Week

Soon after, I returned home to my family, with a determination to bring them as soon as possible to live in Kentucky, which I esteemed a second paradise, at the risk of my life and fortune. ~ Daniel Boone

 

 

A Friendly Reminder

I was recently in San Francisco and was impressed by how friendly the people were.   It seemed like wherever we went, people were warm and helpful.  Looking a little bit lost in Golden Gate Park, a lady stopped and asked if we needed any help.  We went to a Giants game and all the staff appeared friendly.  This was not the obligatory, dead-panned, “thanks for coming.”  This was look you in the eye, smile and say, “thanks for coming!” After the game started a lady two seats down handed my wife the “Batting Stance Guy” book and asked, “would you like a baseball book?”  Of course I would like a baseball book!!  (As an aside, I had the opportunity to see The Batting Stance Guy live and in-person in Cincinnati last year.  So this was double cool for me.

Now I am back home in the Midwest where we assume that people are friendly. However, I find when I jog through my comfortable middle class neighborhood I get ignored by about half of the people I see.  I try to always look up prepared to say “hi” to everyone I see.  However, some don’t look up, some turn to the person they are walking with and some who are walking a dog, look down and talk to the dog as I pass.  The exception is joggers, it seems like a fellow jogger will always look up and acknowledge me.  I think that is because if you have ever trained for a long distance race, you have probably spent a lot of time outside, running alone and the brief distraction from putting one foot in front of the other by saying “hello” is always welcome.  

I do not live in a crowded, ultra-busy neighborhood,    But when I think about it, the folks I do not know personally do appear very friendly.  I remembered something one of my favorite college professors, Dr. Marc Lovelace, who taught history at Stetson University said once in class.  Stetson, where I started my college education, was a small residential campus where you may not have known everyone, but just about every face was familiar.  In class Dr, Lovelace was lamenting one day about walking past students on campus who would not look up and acknowledge  people they passed.  He said that one day he was just going to grab a student, shake them and say, “I said ‘hello’ to you!”

While that might be tempting, it would probably not go over well in my neighborhood or any neighborhood for that matter.  So, I will just keep looking up and smiling as I run and maybe slowly but surely more people will respond.  It really does not take much effort to be friendly so join me to help make the world a little friendlier.

Friday Funny June 2, 2017 Is There Anyone Left Who Does Not Know This?

Happy Friday!  Everyday we are inundated with hundreds of messages.  While many of these messages may be useful,  others are simply reiterating things that we already know>  Things that we know.  Things that EVERYBODY knows!

Is there really anyone left out there that does not know the following?  Are there others you would add to the list?

Enjoy!

Bridges freeze before roadways.

You can leave a message after the beep and hang up when you are done.

Close the cover before striking.

Car commercials use professional drivers on a closed course and you should not attempt.

Weight loss ad results are not typical and your results will vary.

Keep your arms and legs inside the vehicle at all times and stay seated until the ride comes to a full and complete stop.

Restrictions always apply.

A hairdryer and other electrical appliances are not to be used in the bathtub.

How to buckle a seat belt on an airplane (or anywhere else for that matter).

Contents of your coffee cup may be hot.

The little bag of silica gel is not to be consumed.

There is no running by the pool.

Take the plastic off the popcorn before putting it in the microwave.

Keep hands and feet from under the mower.

Not to hold the wrong end of a chainsaw.

A bag of peanuts will contain PEANUTS!

Thought for the Week

A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort. ~Herm Albright, quoted in Reader’s Digest, June 1995

http://www.quotegarden.com