Category Archives: Friday Funny

Friday Funny November 30, 2018 That Town Was So Small….

Happy Friday! We have made it to the end of November, the holidays are upon us and a new year is just around the corner.  

My work takes me to a lot of different places from cities to small towns.  I was recently in a small town, a really, really small town.

Enjoy!

I was in a town that was so small…….

There was a City Jail, it was called amoeba, because it only had one cell.

There was Fire Department but instead of hoses, they used water pistols. 

There was a Road Department, they spread salt on the roads using a salad shooter. 

There was a McDonald’s but it only had one Golden Arch.

There was not a 7-11, but there was a 3&1/2 – 5&1/2.

There was a Second Street but it is in the next town over.

There was a golf course, but it only  had three holes.

There used to be a zoo, but it closed when the hamster died.

The “Welcome To” and “Leaving” city limits signs are both on the same post.

They had a boxing match and both men had to sit in the same corner.

Thought for the Week

If you smile when no one else is around, you really mean it. ~Andy Rooney

http://www.quotegarden.com

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Friday Funny November 23, 2018 Thanksgiving Weather Forecast

Happy Friday and Happy Thanksgiving!  I hope you were able to enjoy your Thanksgiving Day and took time to reflect on the blessings that are all too frequently easy to overlook.

Enjoy!

Thanksgiving Weather Forecast

Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an
afternoon high near 190F. The kitchen will turn hot and
humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe
squall or cold shoulder. 

During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a
knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation
of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift
across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots
on the other. Please pass the gravy. 

A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for
the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the
beltway. During the evening, the turkey will diminish and
taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34F in the
refrigerator. 

Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat
sandwiches will be established. Flurries of leftovers can be
expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup
late in the day. We expect a warming trend where soup
develops. By early next week, eating pressure will be low as
the only wish left will be the bone.

Q: Why do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
A:  Pumpkin Pi

Thought for the Week

“The year that is drawing towards its close, has been filled with the blessings of fruitful fields and healthful skies. To these bounties, which are so constantly enjoyed that we are prone to forget the source from which they come, others have been added, which are of so extraordinary a nature, that they cannot fail to penetrate and soften even the heart which is habitually insensible to the ever watchful providence of Almighty God.” – Abraham Lincoln – 1863

Friday Funny November 16, 2018 Rindercella

Happy Friday! Seems like Old Man Winter is itching to get going this year.

I heard today of the passing of Roy Clark.  I will admit that I watched Hee-Haw, in fact I watched it a lot which may explain several things.  But anyway, it brought to mind all the jokes and skits I saw on Hee-Haw.  One of my favorite that I have always remembered was Archie Campbell’s spoonerism of Cinderella that also featured Roy Clark.  So here is the script of Rindercella as well as a link to watch the Hee-Haw clip.

Enjoy and don’t forget to slop your dripper!

Archie Campbell with Roy Clark on HeeHawhttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1FcUc2Tk0GQ&t=49

Once apon a time, in a coreign fountry, there lived a geautiful birl and her name was Rindercella. Now, Rindercella lived with her mugly other and two sad bisters. Also in this same coreign fountry, there was a very prandsome hince.

Now this prandsome hince was going to have a bancy fall. And he invited the people from riles amound, especially the pich reople.

Now Rindercella’s mugly other and her two sad blisters, they went out to buy some drancy fesses to wear to this bancy fall. But Rindercella couldn’t go because all she had to wear were some old rirty dags.
So, finally the night of the bancy fall arrived and Rindercella couldn’t go, so she just cat down and shried. And she was kitten there shrien, when all at once there appeared before her, her gairy mudfather. And he touched her with his wagic mand … and there appeared before her, a cig boach and hix white sorses to take her to the bancy fall. But he said, “Now, Rindercella, you be sure and be home before nidmight, or I’ll purn you into a tumpkin!”

When Rindercella arrived at the bancy fall, this prandsome hince met her at the door because he had been watchin’ all this time behind a wooden hindow. And Rindercella and the prandsome hince nanced all dight. And they lell in fove. And all at once, the mid clock struck night. And Rindercella staced down the rairs, and just as she beached the rottom, she slopped her dripper!

So, the next day this prandsome hince went all over this coreign fountry looking for the geautiful birl who had slopped her dripper. Finally he came to Rindercella’s house. Well, he tried it on her mugly other and it fidn’t dit. Then he tried it on her two sigly usters and it fidn’t dit. Then he tried it on Rindercella and it fid dit. It was exactly the sight rize!

So they got married and lived heverly after hapwards. Now, the storal of the mory is this: If you go to a bancy fall and you want to have a pransome hince loll in fove with you, don’t forget to slop your dripper!

Thought for the Week

The drifting clouds are dark and drear,
The blossoms die of cold and fear,
The wild wind mourns the fading year,
And winter threatens near.
~Elizabeth Chase Akers Allen (1832–1911), “November,” c.1864

http://www.quotegarden.com

Friday Funny November 9, 2018 Movie Quiz

Happy Friday!  I hope you have had a good week.  One of the things I like to do on the weekend is find a movie to watch.  This week I thought I would offer a movie quiz.  See if you can name the movie from the quotations below.  Give yourself extra points if you know the year.  Answers are below.

Enjoy!

Memorable Movie Lines

1.        “Go ahead, make my day.”

2.       “I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.”

3.     ” One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I don’t know.”

4.       “There’s no crying in baseball!”

5.      “What we’ve got here is failure to communicate.”

6.       “Rosebud.”

7.      “Toto, I’ve a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore.”

8.       “Badges? We ain’t got no badges! We don’t need no badges! I don’t have to show you any stinking badges!”

9.      “If you build it, he will come.”

10.   “My mama always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get.”

 

The Envelope Please…..

1.    SUDDEN IMPACT 1993

2.       CASABLANCA 1942

3.       ANIMAL CRACKERS 1930

4.       A LEAGUE OF THEIR OWN 1992

5.    COOL HAND LUKE 1967

6.    CITIZEN KANE 1941

7.    THE WIZARD OF OZ 1939

8.    THE TREASURE OF THE SIERRA MADRE 1948

9.    FIELD OF DREAMS 1989

10. FORREST GUMP 1994

Thought for the Week

Never judge a book by its movie.  ~J.W. Eagan

http://www.quotegarden.com

Friday Funny November 2, 2018 There Are Two Kinds of People

Happy Friday and welcome to November.  The leaves are turning and fall is in the air.  While there may be four seasons, it seems like there are basically two kinds of people.

Enjoy!

There are two kinds of people, the givers and the takers. The takers may eat better, but the givers sleep better.—Anonymous

There are two kinds of people, those who have lost data due to a system crash, and those who will. — Mike Epstein

There are two kinds of people in the world.  Those concerned about getting the work done and those concerned about getting credit for it.

There are two kinds of people, those who we are happy to see coming and those who we are happy to see going.

There are two kinds of people, those who think I am funny and those with absolutely no sense of humor.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start and 

There are two kinds of people, those who can extrapolate from incomplete information

There are two types of people in the world.  Those with a short attention span and…squirrel!!

There are two types of people in the world.  Those that can keep secrets, and I can’t tell you about the others.

There are two kinds of people, those who believe there are two kinds of people, and those who know better. – Anonymous

There are two kinds of people and the first kind of person is sort of like the person who tends to use a lot of run-on sentences without any punctuation while the other kind of person paradoxically speaking is a person who does not tend to use run-on sentences that much and that my friend is the two kinds of people who are in the world as we have it today.

There are two kinds of people in the world.  There are those who like to repeat themselves and those who like to repeat themselves.

There are two kinds of people in the world.  Those that put people into groups and those that do not.

There are two kinds of people in the world.  Those that tend to bifurcate the population in an effort to delineate and ameliorate their understanding of current trends and those that just looked up bifurcate and ameliorate.

There are 6/3 kinds of people in the world.  Those that get fractions, and those who do not.

There are only 10 kinds of people in the world, those who understand binary and those who don’t.

Actually there are three kinds of people in the world, those who can count and those who can’t.

Thought  for the Week

“There are basically two types of people. People who accomplish things and people who claim to have accomplished things. The first group is less crowded.” ~ Mark Twain

Friday Funny October 25, 2018 Latest Stock Headlines

Happy Friday!  Trick or Treat is almost upon us and this week the stock market gave us some of both along with a scary ride!  Just in case you could not muster the courage to watch the stock market this week, here are some stock headlines you might have missed.

Enjoy!

Boeing quickly took off at the opening bell

PepsiCo disappointed with flat earnings

Trading in Visa was charged in early trading

Proctor and Gamble touched a new bottom

Interest in Hills Bros Coffee was percolating throughout the day

Interest in Home Depot was building

Facebook earnings were widely followed

Energizer Holdings, Inc. exploded in an attempt to recharge the market

Exxon – Mobile ran out of gas toward the end of the session

Microsoft was crashing during the day

Google was widely searched

Ebay was trending up with high bidding

FedEx delivered profit as expected

Investors are losing interest in JP Morgan Chase

Disney saw a lot of animated trading

Norfolk Southern earnings were off the rails

Dollar General was heavily discounted

Earnings for the Kraft Heinz Company were awaited with great anticipation

Deere & Company leaped early in the session

Otis Elevators saw their stock price go up and down

Thought for the Week

“October: This is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in stocks. The others are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February.” ~ Mark Twain

Friday Funny October 19, 2018 Sleep on It

Happy Friday!  After a long week, many look forward to some rest and relaxation over the weekend.  Here is wishing you rest and sweet dreams.

Enjoy!

I have a condition that makes me eat when I can’t sleep, it’s called Insom-nom-nom-nom-nia!”

I do not think I am an early bird nor a night owl.  I am more of a permanently exhausted pigeon.

I got paid for being part of a study at the sleep clinic, yes it was my dream job.

The most consistent exercise I get is tossing and turning all night.

One night I dreamed I was a muffler. When I woke up I was exhausted.

Another night I dreamed that I’d written “The Lord of the Rings.” When I mentioned this to my wife she said that I’d been Tolkien in my sleep.

My friend asked me if they could borrow some sleeping pills. I said “Sure, knock yourself out.”

If there was an elephant who had trouble sleeping would you give him a trunkquillizer?

I heard that Chuck Norris sleeps with a nightlight not because he’s afraid of the dark, but because the dark is afraid of him.

Studies have shown that the amount of sleep required by an average person is ten more minutes.

If your iPad making is making you fall asleep, I heard there’s a nap for that.

I vow not to sleep until I find a cure for my insomnia.

Thought for the Week

“What hath night to do with sleep?” ― John Milton, Paradise Lost