Happy Friday! It seems like the only thing on television this time of year is re-runs. So, I thought it was a good time to dust off this funny about what the outcome might be if Shakespeare had a smart phone and was texting.
Enjoy!
A orse, a orse! My kngdm 4 a orse!
2B or nt 2 B, dats Q
dis abov ll: 2 thine own self B tru
F?, Romans, countrymen, lend me yr ears; I cum 2 bury Caesar, nt 2 kudos him
What’s ina nme? dat wich we cll @>–>– By Ny oder nme w%d smel as swEt.
d ldy doth protest 2 mch, methinks
ll d world’s a stage, n ll d men n women merely playAs; they’ve their exits n theirentrances, n 1man n hs tym plays mnE parts
der r mor fings n heaven n erth, Horatio, thN r dremt of n yr ethos
gud nyt, gud partin S such swEt sorrw
Now S d wintr of r discontent
somit S rotten n d st8 of Denmark.
ll dat glisters aint Au
w@ lyt thru yonDr windO breaks
w@ fools deez mortals B!
dis wz d most unkindest cut of ll
2 zzz, perchance 2 dream- ay, there’s d rub
w’r such stuf As drms r md on; n r lil lyf S rounded W a zzz.
lov l%ks nt W d Iyz bt W d mind
Cowards di mnE tyms b4 their deaths, d valiant nvr taste of deth bt 1s
Im constant as d northin (*)
Translated into Plain English
A horse, a horse! My kingdom for a horse! – Richard The Third
To be or not to be, that is question – Hamlet
This above all: to thine own self be true – Hamlet
Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears; I come to bury Caesar, not to praise him. – Julius Caesar
What’s in a name? That which we call a rose By any other name would smell as sweet. – Romeo and Juliet
The lady doth protest too much, methinks.- Hamlet
All the world’s a stage, And all the men and women merely players; They have their exits and their entrances, And one man in his time plays many parts, – As You Like It
There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, Than are dreamt of in your philosophy. Hamlet Good night, good night! Parting is such sweet sorrow- Romeo And Juliet
Now is the winter of our discontent – Richard The Third
Something is rotten in the state of Denmark – Hamlet
All that glitters is not gold – The Merchant of Venice
What light through yonder window breaks – Romeo And Juliet
What fools these mortals be! – A Midsummer Nights Dream
This was the most unkindest cut of all – Julius Caesar
To sleep, perchance to dream-ay, there’s the rub. – Hamlet
We are such stuff As dreams are made on; and our little life Is rounded with a sleep. – The Tempest
Love looks not with the eyes but with the mind. – A Midsummer Night’s Dream
Cowards die many times before their deaths, The valiant never taste of death but once. – Julius Caesar
I am constant as the northern star – Julius Caesar
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
“A fool thinks himself to be wise, but a wise man knows himself to be a fool.” — As You Like It
Happy Friday! We have reached Memorial Day Weekend and the unofficial start of summer. Amid the barbecues and picnics and pool parties this weekend, be sure to take time to reflect on the meaning of Memorial Day and the cost that many have paid so that we can have our freedom.
With summer upon us, let’s kick off the weekend with some summer jokes.
Enjoy!
Did you know that seashells stay clean by washing up on the beach?
Did you know that summer camp is hard for some people because it tends to be in tents?
Did you hear about watchmaker who went on vacation to unwind?
Did you hear about the professor who carefully waded into the pool because she wanted to test the water?
Did you know that ghosts go to the beach because they love to boo-gie board?
If you throw all your books into the ocean, would you get a title wave?
If cows stay out and get too much sun, would they give evaporated milk?
Would you call a crustacean that just lies on the beach all day a slobster?
I read about a sandwich maker who went to a summer camp to learn about condiments, it was a Mayo Clinic.
I read about a hipster who wore flannel in the summer because he wanted to wear it before it was cool.
I applied for a job at a sunscreen company. They rejected me, but I think I will reapply.
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
“A nation which forgets its defenders will itself be forgotten.” ~ Woodrow Wilson
Happy Friday! We are all dealing with higher gas prices these days, so we might as well get a laugh out of it.
Enjoy!
To fuel or not to fuel, that is the question.
Did you hear about the art thief whose van run out of gas when he tried to drive away from the museum? It seems he had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.
These gas prices have me feeling sick. I think I might have a case of the car-owner-virus
It is not often that I brag about going to expensive places, but I just left the gas station.
Today I needed to pick up paper, pens, and envelopes from the store, but since the price of gas is so high, I rode my stationery bike.
I went into a Speedway gas station this morning and asked for $3 worth of gas. The clerk handed me a bean burrito.
Apparently, I have been banned from the gas station for playing ‘The Who’ too loudly on my car stereo. It seems I won’t get fueled again.
I thought I was saving money by purchasing my gas at a self-service station. It turns out, I was only fueling myself.
While I was at the gas station, I thought about buying a salad. There were two choices: regular or unlettuced.
I thought about posting every gas pun I could find but I decided that would be very fuelish. Tank goodness I didn’t post them all.
Last week I came up with a joke about inflation. It’s not as funny today
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
“Our culture runs on coffee and gasoline, the first often tasting like the second.” ~ Edward Abbey
Happy Friday! To me spring begins on Opening Day – so Happy Spring! To kick off baseball season, let’s take a look at a few of my favorite baseball names.
Enjoy!
Coco Crisp – 2002-2016-the speedy outfielder stole 309 bases over his 15-year career; however, I am still waiting to see his face on a cereal box.
Catfish Hunter-1965-1979- A Ct Young winner and Hall of Fame pitcher, Oakland A’s colorful owner thought Jim needed a nickname and Catfish stuck.
Urban Shocker -1916-1928-he was a pitcher who won 187 games over 13 years and pitched for the Yankees in the 1926 World Series. He pitched his last game I the major leagues in 1928 and he died September 9 of that same year, that was a shock-er.
John Malarky-1894-1903- a pitcher who won 21 games over 6 years. There are a lot of tall stories about him, but don not believe any of it.
Boof Bosner-2006-2010- a pitcher who appeared in 111 games over 4 years, legally changed his name to “Boof”
Razor Shines 1983-1987-he only had 88 plate appearance over 4 years, I wonder if he was a sharp fielder? Did he hit slicing line drives?
Oil Can Boyd-1982-1981- this pitcher won 78 games and lost 77 over a 10-year career. He was a fairly dependable arm; he must have kept his shoulder well-oiled.
Orval Overall-1905-1913- he was a pitcher with the Reds and Cubs, his name sounds like he should have sold clothing to farmers or perhaps made an appearance in the movie “Airplane”.
Milton Bradley-2000-2011- a second-round pick by the Expos in 1996 who never quite realized his potential, but he knows how to play the best games.
Blue Moon Odom-1964-1976- over a career that spanned 13 years and 4 teams, he won 84 games and lost 85 as a pitcher. It appears that .500 pitchers actually do come along more often than a Blue Moon.
Moonlight Graham-1905- yes, he was a real baseball player whose career consisted of one at bat and then he went on to become a doctor as noted in the movie “Field of Dreams”
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
“Enjoying success requires the ability to adapt. Only by being open to change will you have a true opportunity to get the most from your talent.” ~ Nolan Ryan
Happy Friday! Congratulations are in order – you have survived another winter!
March means spring and it also means March Madness. Perhaps you have completed a bracket for the tournament and perhaps, by the end of the weekend, your bracket will be in shambles. You will not be alone, so when someone asks you how your bracket is, just choose one of the responses below.
Enjoy!
My bracket hopes vanished faster than my New Year resolutions.
My bracket hopes vanished faster than a twinkie at a weight watchers meeting.
My bracket hopes vanished faster than a hot dog in the presence of Joey Chesnut.
My bracket hopes vanished faster than Milli Vanilli’s music career.
My bracket hopes vanished faster doughnuts in the break room.
My bracket hopes vanished faster than a toupee in a hurricane.
My bracket hopes vanished faster than a politician’s campaign promises.
My bracket hopes vanished faster than the flavor in a piece of bubblegum.
My bracket hopes vanished faster than a Britney Spears marriage.
My bracket hopes vanished faster than my tax refund.
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
“Be more concerned with your character than your reputation,because your character is what you really are, while your reputationis merely what others think you are.” ~ John Wooden
Leonard's Lines 