Category Archives: Friday Funny

Friday Funny April 19, 2019 The Whole Hog

Happy Friday! Happy Easter! Happy Passover!  Wishing you a good weekend.  Here are some pig jokes to chew on while you want for that Easter ham.

Enjoy!

Would the smartest pig in the world be Ein-swine? 

Would you take a sick pig to the hospital in a hambulance?

If you cross a pig with a dinosaur would you get Jurassic Pork?

Would you call a pig with no legs a groundhog?

Would you say a pig with laryngitis was disgruntled?

Do pigs write secret messages using invisible oink?

If you put a pig in a musical would it squeal the show?

Is it true that a pig’s favorite Shakespearean play is Hamlet?

Is it true that pigs are not good in track and field because they tend to pull their ham strings?

Did you hear about the pig that went to Las Vegas to play the slop machines?

Can you fit more pigs on a farm by putting them in a sty-scraper!

Would you call pigs in a demolition derby crashing boars?

Thought for the Week

For I remember it is Easter morn,
And life and love and peace are all new born.
~Alice Freeman Palmer

http://www.quotegarden.com

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Friday Funny April 12, 2019 Back In My Day

Happy Friday!  It must be spring – baseball is underway and I have cut the grass.  The days are longer and I am enjoying it!  Even when things are going well, we are tempted to look back at times when things were simpler and, at least in our eyes, not quite as easy as they are today.  Enjoy!

Back in my day, tweeting was for the birds.

Back in my day, we did not have cell phone we had two tin cans and some string.

Back in my day, we had to get up in order to change the channel on the television.

Back in my day, songs had lyrics that did not have to be bleeped out.

Back in my day, we had pet rocks.

Back in my day, Mom did not text you when dinner was ready, she would just stand on the front porch and scream for you to come home.

Back in my day, we did not have the Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the library and look it up in a book.

Back in my day, we had one phone in the house.  It was black, attached to the wall and had a dial you had to spin.

Back in my day, you had to actually pay to make a long-distance telephone call.

Back in my day, we did not have email. We had to actually write somebody a letter, with a pen and paper. Then you had to put it in the mailbox and wait a week to ten days for a response.

Back in my day, we had tablets, they were made of stone and had commandments written on them.

Thought for the Week

Nostalgia is like a grammar lesson: you find the present tense, but the past perfect! ~Owens Lee Pomeroy

http://www.quotegarden.com

Friday Funny April 5, 2019 Hey Buddy Have I Got a Joke for You!

Happy Friday! It is beginning to feel like spring really is in the air!  This week I thought I would share a few sales related jokes.

Enjoy!

A lady was shopping for as new vacuum cleaner.  The salesmen told her that the new model would cut her work in half, so she bought two.

Always trust a glue salesperson. They tend to stick to their word.

Did you hear about the guy who lost his job selling amplifiers because he did not have sufficient volume of sales.

Salesman: Would you like to buy a pocket calculator? Customer: No, thanks. I know how many pockets I have.

What do you have to know to be a successful real estate salesman? Lots!

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A man walks into a shoe store and tries on a pair of shoes. “How do they feel?” asks the sales clerk. 

“Well they feel a bit tight,” replies the man. 

The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and at the man’s feet. “Try pulling the tongue out,” the clerk says. 

“Well, theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth.”

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One day Bob was sitting in his apartment when his doorbell unexpectedly rang. He answered the door and found a salesman standing on his porch with a strange object. “What is that?” Bob asked. 

“It’s a thermos,” the salesman replied. 

“What does it do?” asked Bob. 

“Well, this baby,” the salesman said, “is amazing, it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.” 

This seemed like a great gadget to Bob and he bought one, thinking it would be ideal to take his lunch to work. The next day he arrived at the plant where and sure enough, all the other employees were curious about his new object. “What is it?” they asked. 

“It’s a thermos,” Bob replied. 

“What does it do?” they asked. 

“Well,” Bob told them in a bragging manner, “It is amazing, it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.” 

“Neat, what do you have in it?” 

To which Bob replies, “Two cups of coffee and a Popsicle.”

Thought for the Week

Life is amazingly good when it’s simple and amazingly simple when it’s good. ~Terri Guillemets

http://www.quotegarden.com

Friday Funny March 29, 2019 Baseball Is A Funny Game

Happy Friday and welcome to the 2019 baseball season!  With the start of the season, it seemed like a great time to share some baseball quotes.

Enjoy!

“I’m glad I don’t play anymore. I could never learn all of those handshakes.”-Phil Rizzuto

 It ain’t nothin’ till I call it. — Bill Klem, Legendary Major League Baseball umpire

Beethoven can’t really be great because he never had his picture on a bubble gum card. — Lucy van Pelt (Peanuts)

“Things could be worse. Suppose your errors were counted and published every day, like those of a baseball player.” ~ Author Unknown

“A baseball game is simply a nervous breakdown divided into nine innings.” ~ Earl Wilson 

“Baseball is a skilled game. It’s America’s game – it, and high taxes.” ~ Will Rogers 

“Baseball players are smarter than football players. How often do you see a baseball team penalized for too many men on the field?” ~ Jim Bouton 

“The thing I like about baseball is that it’s one-on-one. You stand up there alone, and if you make a mistake, it’s your mistake. If you hit a home run, it’s your home run.” — Hank Aaron

“The key to winning baseball games is pitching, fundamentals, and three-run homers.” – Earl Weaver

“There are three things you can do in a baseball game. You can win, or you can lose, or it can rain.” – Casey Stengel

Thought for the Week

“The baseball mania has run its course. It has no future as a professional endeavor.” — Cincinnati Gazette editorial, 1879

Friday Funny March 22, 2019 Optimists vs. Pessimists

Happy Friday and Happy Spring! Spring is the time for optimism or maybe pessimism it all depends on how you look at it.

Enjoy!

The Optimist sees the glass is half full.  The Pessimist sees the glass is half empty.  The Accountant sees that they made the glass twice as big as they needed to.

The Optimist sees the glass is half full.  The Pessimist sees the glass is half empty. Mom just wonders why no one used a coaster.

The Optimist says the glass is half full.  The Pessimist says the glass is half empty.  While they are arguing about it, the Opportunist drank what was in the glass.

The Optimist thinks that the world he’s living in is the best possible.  The Pessimist is afraid that the Optimist is right.

While a pessimist sees the coffee cup is half empty, the optimist is already starting to brew another pot.

They say that the pessimist sees a tunnel, the optimist a light at the end of the tunnel and the realist sees a train.  They also say the train engineer wonders why he see three people standing on the railroad tracks.

An Optimist is someone who keeps his car’s motor running while his wife goes shopping.

An optimist is a fellow who believes a house fly is looking for a way to get out.

I am not a Pessimist.  I am just an Optimist with experience.

I’m not a Pessimist, I’m really an optimist, I just don’t have a whole lot to work with.

How many pessimists does it take to change a light bulb? Never mind, nobody would get the joke anyways.

My friends say I’m a pessimist, but I think it’s a lot worse than that.

I used to be in a band called The Introverted Pessimists. You’ve probably never heard of us, but that’s fine.

I thought about starting a support group for pessimists,  but why bother, it’s not like it’d make any difference anyway.

Thought for the Week

Always look on the bright side of life. Otherwise it’ll be too dark to read. ~Author unknown

http://www.quotegarden.com

Friday Funny March 15, 2019 Happy St. Patrick’s Day

Happy Friday!  You know spring is on the way when you see St. Patrick’s Day on the calendar!  So, I dug deep into the internet to find a few St. Paddy jokes just for you.

Enjoy!

Would you call a leprechaun’s vacation home a lepre-condo?

Would you call a vanishing leprechaun a lepre-gone?

Would you call an Irish criminal with a serious skin disease a leper con?

Do you know that an Irishman is having a good time when he is Dublin over with laughter?

Do leprechauns make good secretaries because they are good at shorthand?

Did the leprechaun beat the Irishman to the pot of gold by taking a shortcut?

Did St. Patrick drive all the snakes out of Ireland because he could not afford air fare?

Is a leprechaun’s favorite food to barbecue short ribs?

Are leprechaun’s hard to get along with because they are short-tempered?

In Ireland would you call Cubic Zirconia a sham rock?

Thought for the Week

“I’m not going to wear green on St. Patrick’s Day,  today, but I do plan on wearing blue pants and a yellow shirt, so pretty much the same thing.”

 

Friday Funny March 8, 2019 Springing Forward

Happy Friday! Despite the cold temperatures and the snowy forecast, this weekend is the time to spring forward!  It also seemed like a good time to clean out the joke closet and dust off a few spring jokes.

Enjoy!

Does daylight saving time in Seattle mean an extra hour of rain?

If you are on a trampoline is it Spring-time?

Does the flower business really start to bloom this time of year?

Do monkeys fall from the sky during Ape-ril showers!?

Would you call a girl with a frog on her head Lily?

Are frogs happy because they get to eat whatever bugs them?

Are bees only allowed to fly in the rain if they are wearing little yellow jackets?

Would you say that bees are happy because they hum while they work?

If you plant kisses will you grow tulips?

Would you say that crossing a four-leaf clover and poison ivy would cause a rash of good
luck?

Was the mother worm upset with her little worm because she could not find him and did not know where in earth he was?

Thought for the Week

“Despite the forecast, live like it’s Spring.”~ Lilly Pulitzer