Category Archives: Friday Funny

Friday Funny May 7, 2021 Last of the Marathon Jokes

Happy Friday! I hop e this has been a good week for you. In October 2002 I ran my first marathon. Last Saturday I ran my last, at least I am pretty sure it was my last. 26.2 miles is more than I ever thought I would run or ever wanted to run, but I enjoyed it more than I imagined I would. But, alas, age just might be catching up with me a little bit and the training just ain’t no fun no more, so I say this is it for long distance running. So let’s kick off the weekend with a little marathon humor.

Enjoy!

Training for a marathon is hard work, but it will be good for you in the long run.

Word of advice:  do not mess with a marathoner – they run the streets.

I have had a habit of using the same puns every marathon, it is kind of a running joke.

Now that I have run marathons, my work signed me up for a 401K.

I have run my last marathon, but now I am going to treat every day like I will be running a marathon tomorrow.  I am going to rest a lot and really load up on carbs!

I injured myself during an Ironman marathon the other day. Guess I got up off the couch too fast during the third film.

I heard they were trying to organize an oompah loompay marathon; however, contestants are running short.

Did you hear about the marathon runner who was sprinting at the start of the race? Apparently his pacemaker was malfunctioning.

Did you hear about that guy who planned to ran a marathon on railroad tracks? He trained a lot, but got distracted.

Did you hear that Paul McCartney has been disqualified from London Marathon? Seems he was banned on the run.

One thing you can say about Charity Marathons, they give you a run for your money.

A friend told me that he and his girlfriend broke up after they ran a marathon together.  He was pretty heartbroken, but said they had a good run.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

If you want to run, run a mile. If you want to experience a different life, run a marathon.” ~ Emil Zatopek

Friday Funny April 30, 2021 Email Humor

Happy Friday! We are now one-third of the way through 2021! If you are like me, there are a lot of emails that appear on a daily basis in your inboxes. Some are informative, some are interesting, some are funny, some are annoying and many are superfluous. If you can’t beat ’em, laugh at ’em. So, let’s kick off with Friday with a few email jokes.

Enjoy!

My wife emailed me our wedding photos, but I couldn’t open any of the files. Seems I am having trouble with emotional attachments.

I asked my Spanish colleague if he could include me on an email.  He replied, “CC.”

If you get an email with the heading “Find out what everyone was talking about in 2020” don’t open it – it’s a virus.

I received an email from Google Earth proudly stating that they can now read maps backwards.  I thought to myself, “Well, that’s just spam.”

If an attorney was offering advice via the internet would that be considered E-legal?

I heard that in Russia, you cannot sign onto Facebook using your email, instead you have to use your ussrname.

If you give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.  If you teach a man to phish, he will start emailing people telling them he’s a Nigerian Prince.

I received an email the other day from a guy claiming to be an Egyptian Pharaoh, it turned out to just be a pyramid scheme.

I received an email the other day with the heading “$50 to see Justin Bieber Live!” and I wondered, “Why do I they think I would pay his ransom?”

Would the patron saint of emails be St Francis of a CC?

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

Science has not yet found a cure for the pun.” ~Robert Byrne, The 637 Best Things Anybody Ever Said, 1982

http://WWW.QUOTEGARDEN.COM

Friday Funny April 23, 2021 Money Funnies

Happy Friday! With tax day behind us, it is time to laugh all the way to the Bank or at least laugh a little about money.

Enjoy!

Is it true that dinosaurs paid their bills with Tyrannosaurus checks?

Is it true that money is called dough because we all knead it?

Have you ever noticed that a study of economics usually reveals that the best time
to buy anything was last year?

Is a good definition of an economist – an expert who will know tomorrow why the things
he predicted yesterday didn’t happen today?

If you really did profit from your mistakes, how rich would you be by now?

They say that Money talks, it seems be really good at saying “good-bye”.

They say that Covid is the cause of a coin shortage, but I think what we are really running short of is common cents.

The newest iPhone has facial recognition. It looked at my face and told me that I could not afford it.

My wife went to a number of different stores to find the best prices for herbs.  It seems like it was thyme well spent.

The number of internet scams are growing every day, but for $29.95 I can show you how to avoid them.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

The fellow who has no money is poor; the fellow who has nothing but money is poorer still.

Friday Funny April 16, 2021 Tax Jokes

Happy Friday! Congratulations if your 2020 Tax Returns have been filed and you can forget about them for awhile. If you filed an extension, then there are still “fun times” ahead for you this year. Either way, let’s have a little tax related humor this week.

Enjoy!

April 16, the day that Americans wake up in a daze from a case of intoxication.

Every year around April 15 many Americans have a rendezvous with debt.

Death and taxes may be inevitable, but death doesn’t repeat itself every April 15th.

You may not enjoy paying income taxes, but it could be worse.  What if you had to pay taxes based on that you think you are worth?

Doesn’t it seem like a misnomer that we call them “tax returns” when so little of it does.

It is said that a fool and his money are soon parted. For the rest of us it happens around April 15.

Have you ever noticed that a “slight tax increase” costs you about $500, while a “substantial tax cut” lowers your taxes by about $50.

I hear that the IRS is a great place to work. Everybody counts.

Is it true that Spiderman pays more income tax than all the other Superheros because he has more NET income?

Is it true that CPAs make better detectives than Sherlock Holmes because they make more deductions?

Did you hear about the CPA who decided to make a bold fashion statement and wore dark gray socks instead of light gray?

We just hired an ex-con, who was in prison for tax evasion, to do our landscaping.  Man, does he know how to cut corners!

I’d tell you some more tax jokes, but I doubt you would depreciate them.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.” ~Albert Einstein

Friday Funny April 9, 2021 I Am So Old

Happy Friday! I gave into the nice weather this week and, ignoring my age, went to a softball practice. My mind thinks that I am still young while my body thinks my mind is crazy. So, I thought I would share how old I am feeling now.

Enjoy!

I am so old I remember when emojis were called “hieroglyphics.”

I am so old that I remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.

I am so old that I have started lying about my children’s ages.

I’ve reached that age where looking in the mirror is like watching the news. I know there’ll be some new developments I won’t like.

I’m aging like a fine banana.

I am so old that my blood type has expired.

I am so old I rewind movies on Hulu before I log out.

I am so old that I remember when “Old Spice” was just “Spice.”

I am so old that I knew Burger King when he was just a prince.

I am so old that I knew Cap’n Crunch when he was still a private.

I am so old that I knew Mr. Clean when he still had hair.

I am so old that I when I was a kid we dipped our fries in Heinz #4.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.” ~ Will Rogers

Friday Funny April 2, 2021 Hare Raising Humor

Happy Friday! Happy Easter! Happy Passover! Here is wishing you a wonderful weekend.

Enjoy!

Do you know what the Easter Bunny gets for making a basket?  He gets two points, just like everyone else.

If you crossed the Easter Bunny with a leaf blower would you get a hare dryer?

Would you call a group of rabbits hopping backward a receding hare line?

I have heard that the only truly rich bunny is the one who realizes he has enough carrots.

I have heard that the Easter Bunny stays healthy through a strict regimen of Eggs-ercise, specifically hare-obics.

Did you hear what happened when 100 hares got loose on Main Street? The police had to comb the area.

Is it true that the favorite books for bunnies to read are the ones with hoppy endings?

Is it true the Easter Bunny does not use a comb, but instead he uses a hare brush?

Is it true after Easter the Easter Bunny will be working at IHOP?

Did you hear about the bunnies that went on strike in order to get a raise in celery?

Do you know how to catch a unique bunny? Unique up on it!

Do you know how to catch a tame bunny? The tame way!

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

For I remember it is Easter morn,
And life and love and peace are all new born.”
~Alice Freeman Palmer

WWW.QUOTEGARDEN.COM

Friday Funny March 26, 2021 Spring Jokes

Happy Friday! Congratulations – you have survived winter. Now spring is here and the hope of the world springing back to live.

Enjoy spring and some spring jokes!

Is it true that after the most common feeling among trees in the spring is re-leaf?

It is that time of year when my winter fat turns int o spring rolls.

I heard that you can tell the difference between spring rolls and summer rolls by their seasoning.

I saw a commercial that the furniture store was celebrating the end of winter with a spring sale; however, mattresses are still full price.

I have a friend who is a writer, each spring he suffers from a bad case of allegories.

I dread spring cleaning this time of year, I wish I’d never bought that Slinky.

The other day I put my foot through a trampoline, I have been walking with a spring in my step ever since.

Did you hear about the flower that could not ride a bike because it had lost its petals?

The spring onions that sprang up in yard have started singing hip hop, those little rap scallions.

I was working through the kitchen last night and thought that I could hear the spring onions singing a BeeGees song, it turned out that it was just the chives talking.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

If people did not love one another, I really don’t see what use there would be in having any spring.~ Victor Hugo

Friday Funny March 5, 2021 Do You See What I Did Here?

Happy Friday! The days are getting a bit longer and a bit warmer, we can almost see the end of winter!  Seems like things that I go to look for have a habit of disappearing, so this week I picked out some disappearing jokes. Hope you see them before they are gone.

Enjoy!

Are bassists considered cowardly because they disappear at the first sign of treble?

Have you heard the one about the disappearing magician?  Apparently it was just a stage he was going through.

I saw a Mexican magician who said he was going to make himself disappear on the count of three.  He said, Uno.. Dos.. And then he vanished without a Tres.

Did the German Christmas cake disappear or was it stollen?

Do old magicians retire or do they simply disappear?

This morning my hands disappeared mysteriously.  I can’t really point my finger at what caused it.

I had a friend who landed a job at Finland’s national airline.  I have not heard from him for ages, it seems he just disappeared into Finnair.

One day I was out on a boat, some distance from the shore, when a massive hand suddenly rose out of the water and then slowly disappeared.  I thought, “Now that is the biggest wave I have ever seen.”

In the middle of the night, I had a vision of a fluffy, white lamb hovering at the foot of my bed, then it disappeared, as I lay frozen in fear. I think it might have been sheep paralysis.

Finally, a word of advice, never disappear, they are very sensitive fruits.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Most of us don’t need a psychiatric therapist as much as a friend to be silly with.” ~Robert Brault, rbrault.blogspot.com

http://WWW.QUOTEGARDEN.COM

Friday Funny February 26, 2021 Humor to the Highest Bidder

Happy Friday!  The sun was out this week and melted most of our snow, I think I can make it to spring!  With spring comes spring cleaning and I have found that eBay is a great place to get rid of some of that stuff that has just been laying around gathering dust for years.  So, let’s laugh all the way to the Bank with some eBay jokes this week.

Enjoy!

I am not sold on how easy eBay is to use.  I tried to look up lighters, but all they had was 14,245 matches.

If the Pope purchased something on eBay would he pay for it using PaPal?

I saw a 65 inch tv on eBay, the description stated that the volume was stuck on full. The Buy It Now price was $10, I thought I just cannot turn this down.

I decided to list my vacuum cleaner on eBay, it was just collecting dust.

I bought some balloons years ago and decided to sell them recently on eBay, of course I did adjust the price for inflation.

If Neil Diamond purchased a Saab on eBay would you say he got a Swede car online?

Today I got lost in eBay, it felt like the Amazon in there.

I am considering selling my collection of John Lennon memorabilia on eBay, I can just imagine all the PayPal.

If you purchased a good deal of “Happy Days” memorabilia on eBay but it never arrived would you be the victim of a Fonzie scheme?

I  was told that I can’t use eBay anymore.  I don’t know why exactly, they just said it was for biddin’.

I was going to tell you another joke about  eBay, but you probably would not get until the middle of next week.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Get rid of clutter and you may just find it was blocking the door you’ve been looking for.” ~Katrina Mayer, KatrinaMayer.com

http://WWW.QUOTEGARDEN.COM

Friday Funny February 19, 2021 Cold Hard Humor

Happy Friday!  Let me send you warm thoughts as so many of us are dealing with quite inclement weather this week.  We can complain about it or we can laugh about it.

Enjoy!

This week, while it snowed, I’ve just been staring through the window, I am hoping that eventually my wife will let me in.

Think about it – does a snowman really need a scarf?

It has been so cold this week that I had to break the smoke off my chimney.

It has been is so cold this week that I am shivering like a mobster in a tax office.

It has been so cold this week that I saw an Amish guy buying an electric blanket.

It was so cold that I tried lighting a fire in my small boat but it caught fire and sunk, turned out that I could not have my kayak and heat it too.

Would you call a cold crocodile a refrigergator?

Justice is a dish best served cold because if it were served warm, it would be justwater.

I saw a hipster walking outside in the cold with no coat on, he said that he had gone outside before it was cool.

For use in winter, I invented a cold air balloon, it just never took off.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

Snowflakes are one of nature’s most fragile things, but just look what they can do when they stick together. ~Vista M. Kelly

http://www.quotegarden.com