Category Archives: Friday Funny

Friday Funny February 15, 2019 Conversation Hearts

Happy Friday! Valentine’s Day is past and now you can concentrate on finding just the President’s Day gift!  But before Valentine’s Day fades to a memory, I wanted to think about Conversation Hearts.

Enjoy!

I would imagine that you are familiar with those little, chalky conversation hearts made by Necco – the same people who brought us thin, quarter-sized chalky wafers.  Did you even notice that they were nowhere to be found this Valentine’s Day?  Necco had a rough year in 2018, abruptly shutting down in July after an investment firm bought it in a bankruptcy auction. It was purchased by Spangler Candy Co. at the end of the third quarter but that was too late to get the little candy hears back in the conversation for Valentine’s Day 2019.  Perhaps they will be back for 2020.

Did you know that a serving is 25 hearts and that equates to 100 calories that are pretty much void of any nutritional value?   The ingredients are: Sugar, Corn Syrup, Corn Starch, Gelatin, Modified Food Starch, Natural & Artificial Flavors, Gum Arabic, Xanthan Gum, FD&C Colors.  Natural & Artificial flavors? – imagine that – they are actually supposed to have flavor!

They would make changes to the sayings each year to reflect trends in culture.  So, being the helpful person that I am, I thought I would offer some suggestions for the 2020 hearts that will help them get these back on the store shelves as soon as possible.

Recipe for Disaster

Snowflake

UR Subprime

YRU Still Here

# Go Away

1000x No

#1 Hater

Woot Woot

Evil Clown

Shoo

# Not Ever

Big Twitter Fan

#1 Loser

#No Way

I Googled U

#1 Troll

Epic Fail!

U R Elitist

No Swag

#1 Bae

Selfie

Meh

Chillax

Not Legit

Thought for the Week

“Valentine’s Day is a day to reflect on love – on love lost, love gained and love long remembered.” 

 

Advertisements

Friday Funny February 8, 2019 Lines Not Found on Valentine’s Day Cards

Happy Friday!  You have survived Groundhog’s Day and now it is time to get ready for Valentine’s Day!  If you are having trouble finding that card that is just right, I am here to help!  I have put together a few short verses below that I am pretty sure you will not find on a card down at the local Hallmark store, so feel free to do a little cut and past to make a unique card for that special someone in your life.

Enjoy!

Some Things You Might Not Find on a Valentine’s Day Card

Cupid has struck
With a bow from his quiver
And with my bad luck                                                                                                                                    It hit my liver

When I see you, my hands start to shake
Like when I’ve eaten bad shake ‘n bake
My heart beats fast like never before
Then I faint and hit the floor

Roses are red,                                                                                                                                                Violets are blue,                                                                                                                                            I guess wherever you are,                                                                                                                        It is Valentine’s Day too.

Fountains mingle with the rivers                                                                                                              And the rivers with the ocean                                                                                                 Valentine cards tend to be clever                                                                                                       But this one lacks emotion.

This valentine poem is a reminder
not only of how much you are treasured                                                                                        But also, that not all poems rhyme

A Few Quick Valentine Jokes

For Valentines Day think about your current and past relationships, then organize the data on a chart using an Ex-Axis and a Why-Axis.

They say that grocery store flowers on Valentine’s Day shows someone you care slightly more than not at all.

What did the paper clip say to the magnet? I find you very attractive.

What did the boy cat say to the girl cat on Valentine’s Day? You’re purrr-fect for me!

Thought for the Week

Loving is not just looking at each other, it’s looking in the same direction. ~Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, Wind, Sand, and Stars, 1939

http://www.quotegarden.com

Friday Funny February 1, 2019 Happy Groundhog Day!

Happy Friday!  Happy Super Bowl Weekend! and Happy Groundhog Day!  I hope you are staying warm in these days of the Polar Vortex!  Maybe we will get some good news from our friendly neighborhood groundhog this weekend!

Enjoy!

Tomorrow is Groundhog Day which has got to be one of the stranger days that we “observe.”  At various locations from New York to Colorado people will gather before the sun comes up to determine whether or not a rodent will see his shadow and somehow this translates into how much more winter we will have.  This “holiday” has been around for a couple of hundred years and supposedly has its origins in ancient European weather lore where instead of a large ground squirrel, the weather was predicted by a badger or a bear.  

There will be at least 25 Groundhog Day celebrations featuring 25 different groundhogs this weekend.  Some of these groundhogs will not see their shadows and thus predict an early spring.  However other groundhogs will see their shadow and predict six more weeks of winter.  Now I will not be going to Punxsutawney, PA to see Punxsutawney Phil or even to Marion, OH to see Buckeye Chuck, I will stay warm under the covers of my bed Saturday morning.  I just looked at the calendar and noticed that it is about seven weeks until spring.

Yet groundhogs are not the only folks venturing out this weekend, here are a few that you might miss.

If Tom Brady sees his shadow does that mean he will play six more seasons?

If a US Senator sees his shadow does that means six more years of spending.?

If Brenda Snipes sees her shadow does that means six more weeks of counting votes in Broward County?

If Mark Zuckerburg sees his shadow will he also see your shadow as well?

If Cincinnati Bengals Owner Mike Brown sees his shadow does that mean it will be six more weeks before the Bengals name a Head Coach?

If Cincinnati Reds Manager David Bell sees his shadow does that mean it is eight weeks until Opening Day?

Will New Orleans Saints Receiver Tommylee Lewis see his shadow or the shadow of a  Rams Defensive Back?

If Kim Kardashian sees her shadow would I care?

Thought for the Week

The groundhog is like most other prophets; it delivers its prediction and then disappears. ~ Bill Vaughan http://www.brainyquote.com

 

Friday Funny January 18, 2018 A Touching Story About Doilies

Happy Friday!  This week I wanted to share a very touching story about doilies.

Enjoy!

An older couple who had been married for fifty years decided that it was time to downsize as they approached retirement. As they were packing things up, the husband came across a shoe-box back in the corner of a shelf in the closet.  When he opened it, he was surprised to find two 2 doilies and three large bundles of twenty-dollar bills.  He took the shoe-box to his wife and asked her if she knew about the box.

She gave him a sheepish smile and told him about some advice she had received from her Mother before they had gotten married.  She said that her Mother had told that she should crochet a doily every time that she got mad at her husband instead of getting into an argument.

The husband was quite touched thinking about all the good and bad times they had shared over the last fifty years and that his lovely wife had only been mad twice.

“What about the three bundles of twenty-dollar bills?” he asked.  “Oh that,” she replied, “is  the money I made from selling the doilies.”

Thought for the Week

Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats. ~Voltaire   http://www.quotegarden.com

Friday Funny January 11, 2019 Real Estate Terms

Happy Friday!  I hope that 2019 is off to a good start for you.  This week my neighbor put his house on the market which started me thinking  about how houses for sale are described in listings and how some of those words could mean something just a little different from what one might assume. 

Enjoy! 

Breathtaking – one whiff of the basement and your eyes will water and your will cough uncontrollably.

Classic – this was a great house when in was built in 1945 and not a thing has been changed since.

Retro – you will love the avocado green appliances, shag carpeting and wagon wheel light.

Intimate – not quite large enough for your family, even if it is a family of one.

Easy Highway Access – simply back out of your driveway and voila’ you are on the entrance ramp to I-75.

Get-away – almost impossible to find and the address does not appear on any map.

Great Investment – plan on investing every dollar you make to try to get this one up-to-date.

One-of-a-kind – built by four different contractors without the aid of any blueprints.

Quiet – all the other houses on the street have been abandoned.

Mature Landscaping – you will need a machete to find the front door.

Priced to Sell – as long as you are willing to overpay.

Motivated Buyer – he is motivated to take every dollar possible from you.

Storybook – every house has a story to tell and this one could have been written by Stephen King.

Thought for the Week

We should all be concerned about the future because we will have to spend the rest of our lives there. ~Charles F. Kettering

http://www.quotegarden.com

Friday Funny January 4, 2019 I Just Started a New Job

Happy Friday and Happy New Year!  I hope that 2019 is off to a good start and that this will turn out to be a great year for you.  In my world, I am starting the new year with a new job – so here is some new job humor to kick off Friday Funnies for 2019.

Enjoy!

I just started a new job shredding cheese, it’s grate.

I just started a new job at a factory that makes bells, the offer was very a-pealing.

I just started a new job as a window installer, it’s a real pane.

I just started a new job as a Cuban Dictator.  I’m Havana great time.

I just started a new job as a baker, I kneaded the dough.

I just started a new job with a recycling company, they made me an offer I could not refuse.

I just turned down a new job as an elevator repairman, it was just wrong on so many levels.

I just started a new job with a tree removal service, I am the branch manager.

I just started a new job with Fitbit, it seemed like a step in the right direction.

I just started a new job at an origami factory, things should be good as long as the factory does not fold.

Thought for the Week

“Be at war with your vices, at peace with your neighbors, and let every new year find you a better man.” ~ Benjamin Franklin

Friday Funny December 28, 2018 One Liners to Close Out 2018

Happy Friday and Happy New Year!  Thank you for allowing me to share a laugh or two with you during 2018.  I hope to bring a smile to your face in 2019 and want to wish you a joyous New Year!

Enjoy!

I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas. She told me “Nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace” So I gave her nothing.

I bought my son a fridge for Christmas – I couldn’t wait to see his face light up when he opened it.

My New Year’s resolution is to help all my friends gain ten pounds so I look thinner.

I’m good at multitasking and procrastinating, which means right now there are at least 17 things that I’m putting off until later.

Nobody ever asks how Coca-Cola is doing. It’s always, “Is Pepsi okay?”

Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician.

I often confuse reptiles and amphibians. Actually, if I’m being brutally honest, they pretty much never know what I’m talking about.

What do friends and trees have in common? They both fall down when you hit them with an ax.

I don’t mean to brag but I’m helping a Nigerian Prince with a pretty serious financial matter. I can’t really talk about it.

I have an inferiority complex but it’s just not a very good one.

Thought for the Week

There are those who try to bottle the old year for safekeeping but at midnight the cork always pops. ~Terri Guillemets, “Memories old & new,” 2005

http://www.quotegarden.com