Category Archives: Friday Funny

Friday Funny June 15, 2018 Planting Some Jokes for Your Weekend.

Happy Friday!  We are in the final days of spring and everything is green!  So, here is a little gardening humor to kick off your weekend.

Enjoy!

The guy that trimmed my trees did such a good job that I told him he should take a bough.

I just purchased the newest weed-whacker, I hear it is really cutting edge technology.

I was going to do some plant experiments in my garden until I realized I hadn’t botany.

Everything I know about gardening I have learned from trowel and error.

Organic gardeners till it like it is.

Did the tomato try to court the corn by whispering sweet nothings in her ear?

The farmer was trying to tell me jokes, but they were just too corny.

Did you Hear about the farmer that quit because his celery wasn’t enough?

Would you call a cow eating grass in your yard a lawn moo-er?

After a pig eats watermelon, do you have pork rinds?

Thought for the Week

“Remember that children, marriages, and flower gardens reflect the kind of care they get.”  ~ H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

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Friday Funny June 8, 2018 Friday Punnies

Happy Friday! Congratulations on the completion of another week.  Take a deep breath and have a good weekend.

Enjoy!

Did you hear about that cheese factory that exploded in France? There was nothing left but de Brie.

I asked a Frenchman if he played video games. He said Wii.

Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar, now you can’t tell me that’s just a coincidence.

I heard that Apple is designing a new automatic car but they are having trouble installing Windows.

I just found out that I am colorblind, that news really hit me out of the green.

I was thinking about singing karaoke with a friend.  I decided it was time to quit stalling and just duet.

Is it by shear coincidence that all sheep look-alike?

I think every morning that I am going to make pancakes, but I keep waffling.

Did you hear the one about the untalented gymnast that walks into a bar?

Jokes about giant squids are kraken me up.

Make apocalypse jokes like there is no tomorrow.

Thought for the Week

Every day may not be good, but there’s something good in every day. ~Author Unknown

http://www.quotegarden.com

Friday Funny June 1, 2017 Random Friday Thoughts

Happy Friday and Happy June!  It has been a busy week. So, I thought I would share a few random thoughts this week.

Enjoy!

Can you can make a water-bed bouncier by using spring water?

At what age is it appropriate to tell my dog that he’s adopted?

Can everything in the universe be broken down to Protons, Neutrons, Electrons and Morons?

If you were a triangle would you be acute one?

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I probably should have been a little more specific.

Would you exercise more if calories screamed while you burned them?

Have you ever noticed that the trouble with being punctual is that no one is usually there to appreciate it?

Have you realized that statistically speaking 6 out of 7 Dwarfs are not Happy?

I just finished reading a book about Stockholm Syndrome. At first, It was pretty bad, but by the end I was starting to like it.

I think my calling in life went straight to voicemail.

Thought for the Week

Life is simple, it’s just not easy. ~Author Unknown

http://www.quotegarden.com

Friday Funny May 25, 2018 Jokes for the Road

Happy Friday!  This weekend brings us to Memorial Day and the unofficial start of summer.  Summer, for many, means vacation.  So, I dug up some interesting thoughts about vacations for you this week.  And remember, with jokes about vacations, it is not about the punch line, it is about the journey!

Enjoy! And take some time to reflect this Memorial Day weekend,

Did you hear about the bees who took their vacation in Stingapore?

Did you hear about the cow that spent her vacation staying in a moo-tel?

Did you hear about the sheep that spent their vacation in the Baaaaaahaaaamas?

Did you hear about the shark that traveled to Finland for vacation?

Did you hear about the piano teacher who went to the Florida Keys for vacation?

Did you hear about the zombie who took his vacation on the Dead Sea?

Did you hear about the geometry teacher who spent his vacation in Cuba?

Did you hear about the math teacher who spent her vacation in Times Square?

Did you hear about the goldfish who spent its vacation taking a trip around the globe?

Did you hear about the television set that went to a remote island for vacation?

Did you hear about the cat that went on vacation to the Island of Meowi?

Did you hear about the comedian who spent his vacation in Knock-Knocksville, TN?

Did the Pirate go on vacation to get some AARRRRGGH and AARRRRGGH?

Thought for the Week

“Let every nation know, whether it wishes us well or ill, that we shall pay any price, bear any burden, meet any hardship, support any friend, oppose any foe to assure the survival and the success of liberty.” ~ John F. Kennedy

 

 

Friday Funny May 18, 2018 Biting Humor

Happy Friday! That means the weekend is at hand and it is time for a few chuckles to kick off your Friday.  This week, I have gone way back in time to pull out some Vampire jokes.  In my “research” I even pulled out this classic book that I invested $0.95 in back in 1974.  The fact that I purchased a book titled “Vampire Jokes and Cartoons” and that I have retained it in my possession all these years probably explains a lot…..

Enjoy!

Is a vampire’s favorite fruit a blood orange or a neck-tarine?

Is it true that a vampire cleans his house with a victim cleaner?

Is it true that while at work vampires get to take coffin breaks?

Is it true that a vampire’s greatest fear is tooth decay?

Is it true that a vampire’s favorite place to water ski is Lake Erie?

Is it true that a vampire’s favorite position in baseball is Bat-boy?

Is it true that a vampire’s favorite breed of dog is a blood hound?

Is it true that a vampire is most artistic when he draws blood?

Is it true that the vampire gave his girlfriend a blood test to find out if she was his type?

Is it true that when a vampire is driving, he tries to stay on the main arteries?

Is it true that the vampire attacked the CPA because he wanted accounting to be in his blood?

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“The future is called “perhaps,” which is the only possible thing to call the future. And the only important thing is not to allow that to scare you.” ~Tennessee Williams, Orpheus Descending

http://WWW.QUOTEGARDEN.COM

Friday Funny May 11, 2018 Things Famous Moms Might Have Said

Happy Friday!  This weekend brings us to Mother’s Day.  If you are fortunate enough to still have you Mom, take a few minutes to talk to her and thank her for all she has done for you.  If you no longer have her, take a few minutes to reflect on what she has meant to your life.  Let’s kick off the weekend by reflecting on a few things that some famous Moms might have said.

Enjoy! 

Alexander Graham Bell’s Mother: “Call me when you get there, just so I know you’re okay.”

Paul Revere’s Mother: “I don’t care where you think you have to go, young man. Midnight is past your curfew!”

Mona Lisa’s Mother: “After all that money your father and I spent on braces, is that the biggest smile you can give us?”

Humpty Dumpty’s Mother: “If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a hundred times not to sit on that wall. But would you listen to me?”

Columbus’ Mother: “I don’t care what you’ve discovered, Christopher. You still could have written!”

Babe Ruth’s Mother: “How many times have I told you — quit playing ball in the house! That’s the third broken window this week!”

Michelangelo’s Mother: “Can’t you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?”

Napoleon’s Mother: “If you aren’t hiding your report card inside your jacket, then take your hand out of there and prove it!”

Abraham Lincoln’s Mother: “Again with the stovepipe hat? Can’t you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?”

Batman’s Mother: “It’s a nice car, Bruce, but do you realize how much the insurance is going to be?”

Goldilocks’ Mother: “I’ve got a bill here for a busted chair from the Bear family. You know anything about this, Goldie?”

Little Miss Muffet’s Mother: “Well, all I’ve got to say is if you don’t get off your tuffet and start cleaning your room, there’ll be a lot more spiders around here!”

Albert Einstein’s Mother: “But it’s your senior picture. Can’t you do something about your hair?”

George Washington’s Mother: “The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!”

Jonah’s Mother: “That’s a nice story, but now tell me where you’ve really been for the last three days.”

Thomas Edison’s Mother: “Of course I’m proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn off that light and get to bed!”

“If at first you don’t succeed, try doing it the way your mom told you to do it from the start.” ~ unknown

Friday Funny May 4, 2017 Leaving Las Vegas

Happy Friday and Happy May!  This week took me to Las Vegas for some training.  So, naturally, I thought I would try my luck at a little Las Vegas themed humor.  I  hope I hit the jackpot with these.

Enjoy!

I once knew a man who went to Las Vegas in a $40,000 Cadillac and came home in a $250,000 Greyhound.

I saw a guy in Las Vegas win $1 million gambling. He said he was going to donate a quarter of it to charity. He said that would leave him with $999,999.75.

They say that in Las Vegas money talks, it appears most of the time it simply says good-bye.

Living in Las Vegas is expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the sun.

The only fortune I saw in Las Vegas was a fortune cookie.

The only place I found money in Las Vegas was in the dictionary.

I saw a dinosaur in the casino, he was trying to buy chips by writing Tyrannosaurus Checks.

I saw a sign in the casino that said “CASHIER.” I wonder what that is for?

Is it bad luck to be superstitious?

Negative numbers bring me bad luck. I will stop at nothing to avoid them.

If it weren’t for negative variance Id have no variance at all.

My ship finally came in but I was at the airport.

Thought for the Week

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five. ~ Steven Wright