Category Archives: Friday Funny

Friday Funny July 23, 2021 More Jokes for the Dog Days of Summer

Happy Friday! We are approaching that time of the year referred to as the “Dog Days of Summer.” Seems like a good time to unleash some dog jokes.

Enjoy!

I heard that dogs tend to run in circles because they find it too difficult to run in squares.

I crossed a sheepdog with a rose, now I have a collie-flower.

I crossed a dog with a frog, now I have a croaker-spaniel.

I crossed my dog with a calculator, now I have a friend I can count on.

I tried to cross my dog with a computer but I ended with too many bites.

My dog really loves my smartphone.  It has collar ID.

I took my dog to the park but the ducks kept trying to bite him. I guess that is what I should have expected with a pure bread.

I once took in a wild dog that I found.  He spent a lot of time meditating; I think he was an aware wolf.

I finally figured out how to stop my dog from digging up the garden.  I hid his shovel.

I recently purchased a dog from a blacksmith, as soon as I got him home, he made a bolt for the door.

The other day a Policeman came to my door to tell me that my dog had been chasing a guy on his bike.  That really threw me off, I did not know that my dog was even able to ride a bike.

Thought for the Week

What do dogs do on their day off? Can’t lie around – that’s their job.” ~ George Carlin

Friday Funny June 25, 2021 Hey Mr. Umpire!

Happy Friday! I have finally been able to return as a spectator to the old ball yard. It is always great to get some peanuts, to root-root-root for the home team and to heckle the umpire! In case you need a little assistance in preparing for your return to baseball, I am here to help with some ready made heckling!

Enjoy!

  • Hey Mr. Umpire……

Did you lose your strike zone in the lights?

You make more bad calls than a telemarketer!

I’ve heard better calls at a square dance!

You couldn’t call a cab!

It sure sounded like a strike!

I’ve seen potatoes with better eyes!

For a guy that only works 3 hours a day, you’re doing a pretty bad job!

You couldn’t see the plate if your dinner was on it!

Did you leave your prescription mask at the hotel?

LensCrafters called…they’ll be ready in 30 min.

That pitch was so far outside it had a hat and coat on!

You couldn’t recognize a strike in a bowling alley!

That pitch was so inside it took out his appendix!

You’ve been calling that a strike all day long, don’t get a conscience now!

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“How can you not get romantic about baseball?” ~ Billy Beane, Moneyball

Friday Funny June 18, 2021 Too Much Coffee

Happy Friday! Growing up, I thought that I would never drink coffee. Then during my freshman year of college I came to the realization that coffee was a lot cheaper than soda pop. Ever since then I have been drinking a LOT of coffee, but how much coffee is too much coffee? (That is a silly question – there is never too much!) However, if you think it is possible to have too much coffee, there are a few signs that might serve as indicators.
Enjoy!

You Know You Drink Too Much Coffee When…
• Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
• All your kitchen appliances are made by Mr. Coffee.
• You speed walk – in your sleep.
• You grind your own coffee beans – in your mouth.
• The doctor uses a tachometer to take your pulse.
• You sleep with your eyes open.
• You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
• You lick your coffeepot clean.

You spent your last vacation visiting “Maxwell House.”
• You’re the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don’t even work there.
• You have a T-shirt that says, “Decaffeinated coffee is the devil’s blend.”
• All your children are named “Joe”.
• You don’t sweat, you percolate.
• You’ve worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
• You walk twenty minutes on your treadmill before you realize it’s not plugged in.
• People get dizzy just watching you.
• Dunkin’ Doughnuts owns the mortgage on your house.
• Your life’s goal is to amount to a hill of beans. •
• Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
• Your hand is permanently shaped to hold your mug.
• You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
• You once had a crush on Mrs. Olsen.
• You think being called a “drip” is a compliment.
• You don’t tan, you roast.
• You can’t even remember your second cup.
• You help your dog chase its tail
.
You get a speeding ticket even when you’re parked.
• You’re offended when people use the word “brew” to mean beer.
• You named your cats “Cream” and “Sugar.”
• You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
• You don’t get mad, you get steamed.
• Your birthstone is a coffee bean
• Your blood type is Arabica positive.
• Your resume lists Tim Horton as a reference.
• You have a tattoo that says, “Born to Brew.”
• You can play the “Minute Waltz” in 34 seconds
• When someone says. “How are you?” you reply, “Good to the last drop.”
• You introduce your spouse as your Coffeemate.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

It is inhumane, in my opinion, to force people who have a genuine medical need for coffee to wait in line behind people who apparently view it as some kind of recreational activity.~ Dave Barry

Friday Funny June 11, 2021 Fun Things to Do While Driving

Happy Friday! Now that we are past Memorial Day, more people will be hitting the roads looking for some rest and relaxation. A lot of time driving can get a little boring, so here are a few suggestions to liven up that time in the car.

Enjoy!

Whenever you pass a cow, put your window down and yell “Moo!” as loud as you can.

Give a friendly wave to everyone you see. If they wave back, offer an offended and angry look.

Put your arms down the legs of an extra pair of trousers, put sneakers on your hands, then lean back as you drive.

Whenever possible, make lizard faces at small children in the back seat of other vehicles.

Put a puppet on your driving hand and have him hold the wheel. Have the puppet talk to people you pass or while at a stop light.

Write the words “Help me” on your back window in red. The more it looks like blood, the better.

Eat cherries while you drive and spit the pits out your window.

Honk your horn at geese to see if you can get them to honk back.

Stick your head out the window and pant like a dog.

Roll down your window and yell at children reminding them to brush their teeth before going to bed.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Life is a long road on a short journey.” ~James Lendall Basford (1845–1915), Seven Seventy Seven Sensations, 1897

WWW.QUOTEGARDEN.COM

Friday Funny June 4, 2021 Hard Working Jokes

Happy Friday! June is here and it appears that there is a return to normalcy around the bend. The past year has been hard on a lot of people and businesses. People are starting to get out and offices are opening back up. So, let’s kick off the weekend with hard working jokes.

Enjoy!

I have a friend who works at a medicine factory, he said that during the pandemic work was so slow that you could hear a cough drop.

I have a friend who is an electrician, he said that he has been closing early for the last year because business is light.

I have a friend who tried his hand at being a limo driver during the past year.  He tried really hard but he did not get a single customer.  All that effort and nothing to chauffeur it.

I have another friend who tried to start a hot air balloon business during the pandemic but it just doesn’t take off.

I have a friend who used to be the host of a blackjack table, with the economy recovering he got a better deal.

Before the pandemic, a friend of mine owned a paper business but it folded.

I have a friend who is an archeologist, she says that post-pandemic her career lies in ruins.

I had a friend who had a doughnut shop before the pandemic, now she is just tired of the hole business.

I had another friend who wanted to open a pastry shop during the pandemic, but he couldn’t raise the dough.

I knew a guy who, before the pandemic, had a job tying sausages together; however, he just could not make ends meet.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

There are no menial jobs, only menial attitudes. ~William J. Bennett, The Book of Virtues

WWW.QUOTEGARDEN.COM

Friday Funny May 28, 2021 Working Out a Few Jokes

Happy Friday! Memorial Day is an opportunity to reflect on those who gave their lives for our freedoms. Memorial Day also marks the unofficial start of summer. Maybe you are aiming to get in shape for summer activities, so let’s kick off the holiday weekend with a quick set of jokes. Drop and give me ten!

Enjoy!

I asked my wife for suggestions for a new exercise routine, and she said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”  I said, “I don’t know, that sounds like a big step.”

I am thinking about started to swim for exercise, it might give me a sense of porpoise.

Last week I went to the gym and found a new machine.  I only used it for about an hour – until I started to feel sick – but it’s great: it’s got Reese’s, Hershey Bars, Almond Joys and more in it!

Today, I did five laps around the gym, tomorrow, I might even park my car and go inside.

I tried to cancel my gym membership today, but they wanted me to provide a too weak notice.

I never thought that I would be the type of person to wake up at 5 A.M to go for a jog.  It turns out that I was right.

Did you hear about the farmer that went to the gym and pulled his calf?

Did you hear about the fisherman who went to the gym and pulled a mussel?

My wife bought me an exercise bike for Christmas.  I used it for about a month but it did not seem like it was getting me anywhere.

I called the gym and asked if they could teach me gymnastics.  The guy asked, “How flexible are you?”  I said, “I can make it most weekdays after 6:00”

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

Who kept the faith and fought the fight;
The glory theirs, the duty ours. ~Wallace Bruce

WWW.QUOTEGADEN.COM

Friday Funny May 7, 2021 Last of the Marathon Jokes

Happy Friday! I hop e this has been a good week for you. In October 2002 I ran my first marathon. Last Saturday I ran my last, at least I am pretty sure it was my last. 26.2 miles is more than I ever thought I would run or ever wanted to run, but I enjoyed it more than I imagined I would. But, alas, age just might be catching up with me a little bit and the training just ain’t no fun no more, so I say this is it for long distance running. So let’s kick off the weekend with a little marathon humor.

Enjoy!

Training for a marathon is hard work, but it will be good for you in the long run.

Word of advice:  do not mess with a marathoner – they run the streets.

I have had a habit of using the same puns every marathon, it is kind of a running joke.

Now that I have run marathons, my work signed me up for a 401K.

I have run my last marathon, but now I am going to treat every day like I will be running a marathon tomorrow.  I am going to rest a lot and really load up on carbs!

I injured myself during an Ironman marathon the other day. Guess I got up off the couch too fast during the third film.

I heard they were trying to organize an oompah loompay marathon; however, contestants are running short.

Did you hear about the marathon runner who was sprinting at the start of the race? Apparently his pacemaker was malfunctioning.

Did you hear about that guy who planned to ran a marathon on railroad tracks? He trained a lot, but got distracted.

Did you hear that Paul McCartney has been disqualified from London Marathon? Seems he was banned on the run.

One thing you can say about Charity Marathons, they give you a run for your money.

A friend told me that he and his girlfriend broke up after they ran a marathon together.  He was pretty heartbroken, but said they had a good run.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

If you want to run, run a mile. If you want to experience a different life, run a marathon.” ~ Emil Zatopek

Friday Funny April 30, 2021 Email Humor

Happy Friday! We are now one-third of the way through 2021! If you are like me, there are a lot of emails that appear on a daily basis in your inboxes. Some are informative, some are interesting, some are funny, some are annoying and many are superfluous. If you can’t beat ’em, laugh at ’em. So, let’s kick off with Friday with a few email jokes.

Enjoy!

My wife emailed me our wedding photos, but I couldn’t open any of the files. Seems I am having trouble with emotional attachments.

I asked my Spanish colleague if he could include me on an email.  He replied, “CC.”

If you get an email with the heading “Find out what everyone was talking about in 2020” don’t open it – it’s a virus.

I received an email from Google Earth proudly stating that they can now read maps backwards.  I thought to myself, “Well, that’s just spam.”

If an attorney was offering advice via the internet would that be considered E-legal?

I heard that in Russia, you cannot sign onto Facebook using your email, instead you have to use your ussrname.

If you give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.  If you teach a man to phish, he will start emailing people telling them he’s a Nigerian Prince.

I received an email the other day from a guy claiming to be an Egyptian Pharaoh, it turned out to just be a pyramid scheme.

I received an email the other day with the heading “$50 to see Justin Bieber Live!” and I wondered, “Why do I they think I would pay his ransom?”

Would the patron saint of emails be St Francis of a CC?

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

Science has not yet found a cure for the pun.” ~Robert Byrne, The 637 Best Things Anybody Ever Said, 1982

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Friday Funny April 23, 2021 Money Funnies

Happy Friday! With tax day behind us, it is time to laugh all the way to the Bank or at least laugh a little about money.

Enjoy!

Is it true that dinosaurs paid their bills with Tyrannosaurus checks?

Is it true that money is called dough because we all knead it?

Have you ever noticed that a study of economics usually reveals that the best time
to buy anything was last year?

Is a good definition of an economist – an expert who will know tomorrow why the things
he predicted yesterday didn’t happen today?

If you really did profit from your mistakes, how rich would you be by now?

They say that Money talks, it seems be really good at saying “good-bye”.

They say that Covid is the cause of a coin shortage, but I think what we are really running short of is common cents.

The newest iPhone has facial recognition. It looked at my face and told me that I could not afford it.

My wife went to a number of different stores to find the best prices for herbs.  It seems like it was thyme well spent.

The number of internet scams are growing every day, but for $29.95 I can show you how to avoid them.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

The fellow who has no money is poor; the fellow who has nothing but money is poorer still.

Friday Funny April 16, 2021 Tax Jokes

Happy Friday! Congratulations if your 2020 Tax Returns have been filed and you can forget about them for awhile. If you filed an extension, then there are still “fun times” ahead for you this year. Either way, let’s have a little tax related humor this week.

Enjoy!

April 16, the day that Americans wake up in a daze from a case of intoxication.

Every year around April 15 many Americans have a rendezvous with debt.

Death and taxes may be inevitable, but death doesn’t repeat itself every April 15th.

You may not enjoy paying income taxes, but it could be worse.  What if you had to pay taxes based on that you think you are worth?

Doesn’t it seem like a misnomer that we call them “tax returns” when so little of it does.

It is said that a fool and his money are soon parted. For the rest of us it happens around April 15.

Have you ever noticed that a “slight tax increase” costs you about $500, while a “substantial tax cut” lowers your taxes by about $50.

I hear that the IRS is a great place to work. Everybody counts.

Is it true that Spiderman pays more income tax than all the other Superheros because he has more NET income?

Is it true that CPAs make better detectives than Sherlock Holmes because they make more deductions?

Did you hear about the CPA who decided to make a bold fashion statement and wore dark gray socks instead of light gray?

We just hired an ex-con, who was in prison for tax evasion, to do our landscaping.  Man, does he know how to cut corners!

I’d tell you some more tax jokes, but I doubt you would depreciate them.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.” ~Albert Einstein