Category Archives: Friday Funny

Friday Funny February 21, 2020 Take A Few Jokes and Call Me in the Morning

Happy Friday! The good news is that we have made it through 2/3 of winter, the bad news is that we are in the height of cold and flu season.  Even if you are feeling under the weather, hopefully if only hurts when you laugh.

Enjoy!

Is the difference between swine flu and bird flu that Swine Flu requires oinkment while Bird Flu requires Tweetment?

Would you call an astronomer with the stomach flu a gastrophysicist?

Today I received an email informing me that canned ham can cause swine flu, I sent it to my Spam file.

I think I will get a flu vaccination this year, I figure it is worth a shot.

I determined that I picked up the flu while waiting for a flight at the airport, I think it might be a terminal illness.

I became ill after I started taking self-defense classes, I think it is Kung Flu.

So, I finally went to the doctor.  She quickly glanced at me and told me I had the flu.  I told her that I would like to have a second opinion.  She looked at me and said, “OK then, you’re ugly too.”

I read a story today about an aspiring YouTube star that died from the flu, it seems he went viral.

I heard that Chuck Norris doesn’t get a flu shot.  Chuck Norris shoots the flu.

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A friend was telling me that while he was in Madrid, he came down with a really bad case of the flu.

He was sneezing and coughing and just felt terrible so, he just stayed in his room and decided to call the concierge to get help.

“Oh, so you’re sick!” came the reply. “Not a problem, we’ll send our very own hotel doctor up to your room right away!”

He was amazed when the doctor strolled into his room within minutes.  The doctor quickly assessed his symptoms and prescribed medication to ease his symptoms and get him quickly back on track.  My friend was quite surprised and told the doctor how impressed he was that the hotel had such a competent doctor on site.  The doctor simply shook his head and replied:  “Nobody expects the Spanish inn Physician.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“You cannot plow a field by turning it over in your mind.” ~Author Unknown

 

 

 

Friday Funny February 14, 2020 More Valentine’s Day Jokes

Happy Friday!  In case you have not looked at a calendar lately – today is Valentine’s Day, so you best get crackin;!  I cannot help you with candy or flowers or jewelry for that special someone, but I can supply a few short jokes you can share.

Enjoy!

Did you hear about the guy who sent his wife’s Valentine through twitter because she was his tweetheart?

Did you know that on Valentine’s Day that cavemen used give their wives lots of ughs and kisses?

Did you hear about the girl who turned down a Valentine’s date from a font because he wasn’t her type?

Did the boy pickle ask the girl pickle to the Valentine’s dance because she meant a great dill to him?

Did the circle ask the triangle on Valentine’s Day date because he thought she was acute?

Did you hear about the two tennis players who met on Valentine’s Day?  It was a cause of  lob at first sight.

Did you hear about the near-sighted porcupine who sent a Valentine card to a pin cushion?

Did the banana ask the prune to the Valentine dance because  it couldn’t get a date?

Did the paper clip ask the magnet to the Valentine dance because he found her very attractive?

Did the two oars go out on Valentine’s Day because they were looking for a little row-mance?

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“The course of true love never did run smooth.” —By William Shakespeare in A Midsummer Night’s Dream

Friday Funny February 6, 2020 Insuring A Laugh For You

Happy Friday!  Congratulations on making it through the first month of a new decade!  In your honor, I have selected some premium jokes that will insure your weekend gets off to a good start.

Enjoy!

Is it true that the high wire artist was denied insurance because of an outstanding balance?

Would a good name for an insurance salesman be Justin Case?

A man phoned to find out whether he could get insurance if the nearby volcano erupted…he was assured that he would be covered.

I bought my wife a top-of-the-line, state-of -the-art multi-speed mixer but it is excluded on my homeowners policy – seems it is a was high whisk.

Someone offered me skydiving insurance. She told me,”If something goes wrong, you’ll get a big payout.” I told her, “I’m not falling for that one again.”

The other day I was talking to my insurance agent and I told him I had had an accident and broke a leg; I wasn’t sure it can be fixed.  He listened and told me that he might be able to get me $35,000 in compensation.  He said he would get the forms over to me right away.  I am pretty excited, I only paid $25 for that table.

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There was a cowboy applying for health insurance. The insurance agent was going down the list of standard questions.

“Ever have an accident?” – “Nope, nary a one.”

“None? You’ve never had any accidents.” – “Nope. Ain’t had one. Never.”

“Well, you said in this form you were bitten by a snake once. Wouldn’t you consider that an accident?”

“Heck, no. That dang varmint bit me on purpose.”

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THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Even if you’re on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.” ~Will Rogers

 

Friday Funny January 31, 2020 Football Jokes for the Big Game

Happy Friday!  I hear there is a big football game this weekend, so here are a few jokes that you can break out of the huddle with.

Enjoy!

Did you hear about the running back who hurt his back trying to run around his own end? 

Did you hear about the football player who ran through a screen door?  He strained himself.

Did you hear about the football team that hired a small ghost because they needed a little team spirit?

Is it true that centipedes are not allowed to play football because it takes them too long to tie their cleats?

Is it true that when football players begin to have problems with their eyesight, they become referees?

Would you call the son of an offensive lineman a chip off the old blocker?

Do centers wear hiking shoes on their feet?

When quarterbacks get too old to play do they put them put them out to pass-ture?

Did you hear about the football team that fumbled an exorcism? The guy retained possession.

If the coach’s dog ran onto the field during a game would the referee call that an ineligible retriever down field?

How did Scrooge end up with the football?  The ghost of Christmas passed.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“We can’t run. We can’t pass. We can’t stop the run. We can’t stop the pass. We can’t kick. Other than that, we’re just not a very good football team right now.” ~ Bruce Coslet on the Cincinnati Bengals team he was coaching.

Friday Funny January 24, 2020 Church Painting

Happy Friday!  The days are getting a little longer as we have moved a month away from the shortest day of the year.  Longer days and warmer temperatures are on the way – it will just take a couple of more months for them to get here.  In the meantime here is a little story ab a little church that needed painting.

Enjoy!

Pastor Painting The Church

Once upon a time there was a quaint little church out in the countryside: it was painted white and had a a high steeple.

One day, the pastor noticed that the church needed some attention, the paint was starting to crack and peel.  However, funds were quite tight, so it would have to wait.  A few days later he noticed that the local hardware store was running a sale on paint.  So, he thought this must be a sign and he went into town and bought a few gallons of white paint hoping that it would be enough to paint the entire building.

The next Saturday he got to the task of painting.  As he finished the first side. All was well and it was looking great. However, he noticed he had already used more than half of his supply of paint. He really did not have the time or the funds run back in town for more paint.  He looked around the church shed and found a gallon of thinner.  So, he began to thin his paint hoping to have enough to complete the task.

It seemed to work out fine.  He finished the remaining three sides and admired his work when he was done.  However, that night, a big thunderstorm rolled through with lots of heavy rain. The next morning when he stepped outside of the parsonage to his dismay he noticed that the first side still looked good, but that the paint on the other three sides had been washed away.

Distraught, the pastor looked up at sky in anguish and cried out, “What shall I do?”A moment later a booming voice came back from the heavens saying, “Repaint! repaint! and thin no more!”

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

‘Don’t let your worries get the best of you; remember, Moses started out as a basket case.’

Friday Funny January 17, 2019 More Dad Jokes

Happy Friday! Congratulations on making it through the first half of the first month of 2020!  To celebrate here are a few “Dad Jokes” for you.

Enjoy!

Justice is a dish best served cold, if it were served warm it would be justwater.

Would call an elephant that doesn’t matter an irrelephant?

Would you call a fish with two knees a two-knee fish!

Would you call the wife of a hippie Mississippi?

If a slice of apple pie is $4.50 in the Bahamas and $5.00 in Jamaica would those be the pie rates of the Caribbean?

The other day I was really down and a friend of mine kept saying “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.” I know he means well.

What did the horse say after it tripped? “Help! I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup!”

If you rearrange the letters of “Postmen”. They get really mad.

Did you hear about the drummer that had twin daughters? He named them Anna one, Anna two.

I’m thinking about removing my spine. I feel like it’s only holding me back.

Thought for the Week

“Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.” –Ferris Bueller

 

 

Friday Funny January 10,2020 Ten Things I Learned From Movies

Happy Friday!  I hope 2020 is off to a good start for you.  Holiday time is always a bif time for movie releases which had me thinking about things that we can learn from movies.  Here are just a few.

Enjoy!

  • All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
  • The ventilation system of any building is the perfect way to escape. All ventilation ducts are just big enough for you to crawl through, they will support your weight and they will always provide a viable escape route.
  • The odds of surviving any battle or any hostage situation dramatically decrease the moment you show someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
  • A man will be able to withstand a fierce beating at the hands of someone three times his size with nary a whimper but will wince and cry out in pain once a woman tries to clean his wounds.
  • Cars that are involved in serious crashes will either 1) remain functional even if half the car has been torn away or 2) immediately burst into flames.
  • Anyone who falls down a flight of stairs will be stone cold dead before they reach the bottom.
  • When paying for a taxi, simply open your wallet, take out two bills throw them at the cabbie and say, “keep the change.” It will always be enough.
  • Any information needed no matter how sensitive, classified, private, or complex can be obtained using a computer within ten seconds using no more than a dozen keystrokes.
  • All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts. It will have one more wire that whoever is defusing it is used to seeing, plus the color of the wires will be different.  To correctly defuse the bomb you must wait until there are less than five seconds remaining and then guess which wire to snip.
  • The major crime you heard about this morning is somehow directly and personally related to the crisis you are facing in your life.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

Drama is life with the dull bits cut out.  ~Alfred Hitchcock

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