Monthly Archives: April 2018

Friday Funny April 27, 2018 Pirate Jokes

Happy Friday!  This evening I say a very nice production of Treasure Island, so of course I have to offer up a few pirate jokes this week,

Enjoy!

Q: Why don’t pirates shower before they walk the plank?   A: Because they’ll just wash up on shore later.

Q: How do pirates know that they are pirates?  A: They think, therefore they ARRRR!!!!!

Q: How did the pirate get his Jolly Roger so cheaply?  A: He bought it on sail.

Q: What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A: A nervous wreck.

Q: How do pirates communicate with each other?  A: With Aye-Phones of course.

Q: What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?  A: Aye Matey. 

Q: How do you save a drowning pirate?  A: With C P ARRRRRRRRR. 

Q: Why didn’t the 13-year-old go to the pirate movie?  A: Because it was rated arrrrr .

Q: What did the pirate say when his wooden leg got stuck in the freezer?  A: Shiver me timbers!

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A pirate walks into a restaurant wearing a paper towel on his head.

The hostess greets him and asks, “Excuse me, but why are you wearing a paper towel?”
“Arrr…” says the pirate. “I’ve got a bounty on me head!”

————————————————————————————————————————

One Pirate turns to another and says “arrr!”
The other says “You know, I was just thinkin’ the same thing matey”

Thought for the Week

“There is more treasure in books than in all the pirate’s loot on Treasure Island.” ~ Walt Disney

 

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Friday Funny April 20, 2018 Stop Me If You Have Heard These

Happy Friday!  I hope you have had a great week.  Do you ever have one of those weeks where you feel like you have been through all of this before?  Well if it has been a Deja vu week, then these should hit the spot…again.

Well if it has been a Deja vu week, then these should hit the spot…again.

Enjoy!

Deja flu:  That odd feeling that you are getting sick, again.

Deja boo: That scared feeling you get at the same point of a horror movie no matter how many times you have seen it before.

Deja clue: That odd feeling that Professor Plum has done it in the library with the candlestick before.

Deja do: That odd feeling that you have had this haircut before.

Deja eau: That odd feeling that you already bought this perfume for your wife.

Deja fu: That odd feeling that you have been kicked in the head like this before.

Deja who: That odd feeling that you have forgotten this person’s name before.

Deja coupe:  That odd feeling that you have driven this car before.

Deja moo: That odd feeling that you have heard this crap before.

Deja rue: That odd feeling you have regretted this before.

Deja stew: That odd feeling that the meat in this goulash was dinner several nights before.

Deja Que:  That odd feeling that you have stood in this line before.

Deja Blue:  That odd feeling that you have been down in the dumps like this before.

Deja few:  That odd feeling that you have not fit in with this crowd before.

Deja hue:  That odd feeling that you just painted a room the exact same color it was.

Deja pew:  That odd feeling you get when someone is sitting in “your spot” at church.

Deja whew:  That odd feeling you get when you realize you just skirted disaster again.

Thought for the Week

“This is like Deja vu all over again” ~ Yogi Berra

 

Friday Funny April 13, 2018 Timely Humor

Happy Friday the 13th!  Never fear, there will be no triskaidekaphobia here just a few quick jokes to help you pass the time this Friday.

Enjoy!

I realized that I cannot see an end. I have no control and I don’t think there’s an escape. Plus I don’t have a home anymore. It is definitely time to replace my keyboard.

When a was a kid I threw a boomerang away. I live in fear to this day.

Time is a great teacher but a lousy beautician.

Those who do not learn from the pasta are doomed to reheat it.

I once dated a girl who would hit me with stringed instruments. I wish I had known about her history of violins.

I feel more like I do now that I did a little while ago.

They say that all the dinosaurs were wiped out by an asteroid hitting the earth 66 million years ago. That is tragic, but you do wonder why they were all standing in the same place.

The other day I ran into an old friend. I noticed he had 8 watches on one wrist and 4 on the other. He said that lately he had a lot of time on his hands.

The other day I ran into an analytical young man who was not very successful in romantic relationships. He tried to get to the root cause, he made a graph of all his past relationships, it has an ex axis and a why axis.

The other day and I making my lunch and as I was putting mustard on my sandwich and I had that strange feeling I had already done that. I think it was Dijon-vu!

I have an 8:30 dinner reservation tonight. That’s like midnight in middle-age time.

The next time the devil reminds you of your past, remind him of his future.

I was going to add a few jokes some about watches and clocks, but I ran out of time.

Thought for the Week

The time is always right to do what is right. ~ Martin Luther King, Jr.

Friday Funny April 6, 2018 Partly Sunny With A Slight Chance of Humor

Happy Friday!  I hope you have had a great week.  Spring seems to be a bit bashful about making an extended appearance this year.  I thought this would be a great time to share some spring jokes, but apparently they are as hard to find as a warm, sunny day this week.  But I tried.

Enjoy!

Did you hear about the lady who went outside with her purse open because she expected some change in the weather?

Did you hear about the cloud that was always getting in trouble because he never took anything cirrus?

Would you call dangerous precipitation a rain of terror?

The other day I tried to catch fog. I mist.

Did you hear about the gardener who was so excited about spring that the he wet his plants.

Would you call a girl with a frog on her head Lily?

Spring is the time of year when the flower business is blooming.

If you arrested a tornado and took it to jail would you put it in a high-pressure cell?

What did the hurricane say to the other hurricane? I have my eye on you.

Is the opposite of a cold front a warm back?

Thought for the Week

“If we had no winter, the spring would not be so pleasant: if we did not sometimes taste of adversity, prosperity would not be so welcome.” ~ Anne Bradstreet