Monthly Archives: March 2017

Friday Funny March 31, 2017 In The Names of Love

Happy Friday!  I believe it was Alfred Lord Tennyson who said, “In the Spring a young man’s fancy lightly turns to thoughts of love.”  There are also times when said young man should have taken just a moment to think about how the names would look like on the wedding announcements.  Here are a few of my favorites.

Enjoy!

Flem-Green

Gorey – Butcher

Golden-Showers

Moore-Bacon

Looney – Warde

Hardy-Harr

MacDonald-Berger

Burger-King

Wendt-Adaway

Broeker-Nuckles

Gowen-Geter

Hunt-Kapture

Poore-Sapp

Ruff-Goings

Rather-Grim

House-Reckker

Thought for the Week

“Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love. “~Albert Einstein

http://www.quotegarden.com

What’s in Your Glove Compartment?

There are many things that have changed in automobiles over the last few decades.  No longer will you find a button on the floor that turns your high beams on and off.  No longer do you have toggle switches on the dash to activate your wiper blades.  No longer will you find little vent wing windows that swing in for some non-powered ventilation.  However, one thing that you will still find in your automobile is a glove compartment.  You know that built-in box in the dash on the passenger side that holds your instruction book, your insurance card, your registration, your tire pressure gauge, a box of tissues, various fuses and bulbs for the car.  You know that box that holds almost anything and everything with the exception of gloves!

So why do we call it a glove box?  Apparently, we owe this term to a lady by the name of Dorothy Levitt, an early motorcar enthusiast.  She held the female land speed record and in 1905 established the record for the longest drive achieved by a lady driver.  She was ahead of her times when she recommended that women keep a hand-mirror in a convenient place when driving to and hold it up occasionally so that one could see behind while driving in traffic several years before manufacturer introduced the rear-view mirror.  Ms. Levitt also advised motorists to carry a number of pairs of gloves to deal with many eventualities.  Where would motorists store said gloves when not in use?  Why in that box at the front of course and thus we have the glove compartment.

Many trinkets and gadgets have come and gone in cars over the years.  The odds are that today’s “must haves” may very well be tomorrow’s “Long-forgottens.”  Yet for more than a hundred years and perhaps a hundred more, we have Dorothy Levitt to thank for the ubiquitous if  not quite aptly named glove box.

Friday Funny March 24, 2017 Spring Jokes that Will Grow on You!

Happy Friday! Spring has officially arrived!  you have officially survived yet another round with Old Man Winter!  With spring in the air, it seemed like a good time for a little gardening humor.

Enjoy!

This spring I have decided to get serious about gardening.  But there is a bit of a mystery.  Every time I go out to my flower beds it looks like someone has dumped additional soil on them. I am clueless as to who is doing; the plot thickens.

I am hoping that I can grow as much green stuff in my garden as I do in my refrigerator. 

Since I am relatively new to gardening I have accepted the fact that I will most likely be learning by trowel and error. 

When I went to the garage looking for my light, spring jacket I discovered that I had left a packet of seeds in one of my pockets and it had into a Chia jacket!

Just yesterday I went to Lowe’s to buy some gardening supplies.  At first I found the gardening section to be a hosta environment.  But then I saw Michael J. Fox!  I am pretty sure it was him, he had his back to the fuchsias.

I did purchase a couple of fruit trees and to help me get started they even threw in some insects to aid with pollination. Yep, they were free bees.

On my way out I ran into a research assistant who had not been able to do any plant experiments, it appears that he hadn’t botany.

However, I do have a fear of roses.  I realize, for a gardener, this is a thorny issue. I’m not sure what it stems from, but it seems that I am stuck with it.

Did you know that in  some conifer forests, you can’t cedar wood for the trees?

Thought for the Week

“It was one of those March days when the sun shines hot and the wind blows cold: when it is summer in the light, and winter in the shade.” ~Charles Dickens, Great Expectations

http://www.quotegarden.com

 

My Elite Club

I consider myself a pretty regular guy, most of the time.  However, today I just feel the need to brag a little bit about a pretty exclusive club that I am in and have been in for decades.  In 1980 I became a member of the National Whisker Association.  I still have my membership certificate that is signed by the well-known and widely respected Smith Brothers.  You may be aware that Trade Smith and Mark Smith made their fortune selling cough drops and if you ever saw their faces on those cough drop boxes, you know that they sported pretty amazing whiskers of their own.

I joined back when I was known to sport a pretty decent mustache.  If I tried to bring back the ‘stache I am afraid it would be all gray these days.  So, although clean-shaven, I am still a member of the Association.   This club is so selective that it is closed to new members.  Plus it is so secretive that Google searches turn up almost no information about it.  I apologize if my statements are causing you pangs of jealousy, but these are the plain and simple facts about the National Whisker Association.  However, if the occasion arises where you need to name drop in order to impress someone, you can mention that you actually know of someone who is a member in good standing of the National Whisker Association and I give you permission to give them my name.  While you are at it, tell them to sign up to follow this blog!

Perhaps through this I can connect with other members in good standing out there, perhaps we could even resurrect a local chapter and have meetings and secret handshakes and so forth.  Sometimes it is kind of fun to a member of an exclusive club! Speaking of exclusive clubs, I wonder if I still have my membership certificate for the Banana Splits Fan Club…

 

Friday Funny March 17, 2017 Happy St. Patrick’s Day

Happy Friday!  Last weekend the clocks sprung forward, next week brings the official start of spring and today is St. Patrick’s Day.  While I do not claim to be Irish, I will certainly take advantage of the occasion to pass along a few jokes.

Enjoy!

Q: What do you get when you cross a four-leaf clover with poison ivy?
A: A rash of good luck.

Q: What’s Irish and stays outside all summer?
A: Paddy O’Furniture.

Q: What would you get if you crossed Quasimodo with an Irish football player?
A: The Half-back of Notre Dame!

Q: What happens when a leprechaun falls into a river?
A: He gets wet!

Q: Why did St. Patrick drive all the snakes out of Ireland?
A: He couldn’t afford plane fare.

I did not remember to wear green on St. Patrick’s Day, but I am wearing blue pants and a yellow shirt, so pretty much the same thing. 

To celebrate St. Patrick’s Day, my wife made green meatloaf. I asked her how she colored it …she said she didn’t know what I was talking about. 

An Irishman by the name of O’Mally proposed to his girl on St. Patrick’s Day. However, the ring he proposed with was only a synthetic diamond. The excited young lass showed it to her father, who, as luck would have it, was a jeweler. He took one look at it and knew it wasn’t not genuine. 
The young lass, on learning it wasn’t real, returned to her beau and protested vehemently about his cheapness. 
He simply smiled and said “It is St. Patrick’s Day, so I gave you a sham rock.”

Thought for the Week

Never iron a four-leaf clover.  You don’t want to press your luck!

What’s In a Name? Candy

I will admit that I have always had a sweet tooth and I have the fillings to prove it!  Part of my problem is that I like all kinds of candies: hard candies, soft candies, chocolates, caramel, pretty much anything.  The other day I was eating some Jordan Almonds and doubting seriously that the almonds I was munching on come off trees in Jordan, although it would be pretty neat if nuts had a candy coating instead of a hard, uneatable shell.  The story is that Jordan almonds originated in ancient Rome, where honey-covered almonds were introduced by a Roman baker and confectioner named Julius Dragatus who while an accomplished confectioner, was not a very good geographer.

Jordan almonds are not alone in having a confusing moniker.  What about Boston Baked Beans?  There are no beans involved, they are candy coated peanuts distributed by a company based in Illinois.  Then there are Swedish fish.  There is no trace, thankfully, of fish in Swedish fish.  This candy is a fish-shaped, chewy candy that was originally developed by a Swedish candy in the late 1950’s for the American market.  This also lead me to think about cow-tails which, again thankfully are not candy covered tail but a long cream-filled caramel.

You probably never really thought that the Three Musketeers bar had musketeers as an ingredient, where would one find musketeers in this day and age anyway?  However, this name makes even less sense that it originally did.  Originally, Three Musketeers was named because it had three flavors, there was a chocolate pieces, a vanilla piece and a strawberry piece.  But due to wartime rationing, the vanilla and strawberry pieces were dropped leaving chocolate as the lone musketeer.  I guess the “all for one” was replaced by the “one for all.”

The point is that there are many candy names that do not make a lot of sense.  Some candy names have led me to erroneous geographic impressions of the world; unfortunately this does not dissuade me from consuming more candy than I should.

 

Friday Funny March 10, 2017 Simple Humor

Happy Friday!  Another weekend is at the door.  This week, I thought I would keep things simple.  One of the simplest organisms I know of is an amoeba.  So, here is a little amoeba and microbiology humor for you.

Enjoy!

Why did the bacteria fail the math test? He thought multiplication was the same as division.

What is the only thing worse than a mecium? A paramecium. 

What is the definition of paramecium? Two Latin mice.

Why do bacteria like nitrates so much? They’re cheaper than day rates.

How do amoebas stay in touch? With cell phones.

Did you know that imprisoned amoeba are only allowed a single cell?

Did you know that at the National Institutes of Health Offices, the sign on the door of the microbiology lab reads “STAPH ONLY”?

Old microbiologists never die. They just get put out to Pasteur

Knock, knock!                                                                                                                                       Who’s there?                                                                                                                                     Amoeba                                                                                                                                                   Amoeba who?                                                                                                                                     Amoeba dumb, but I’m not crazy!

Thought for the Week

I never make stupid mistakes. Only very, very clever ones. ~John Peel

http://www.quotegarden.com

Coast to Coast Cow News!

Perhaps it is mere coincidence, perhaps it is just weird, perhaps it is a sign of the coming apocalypse. I do not know, but for whatever reason there have recently been stories involving cows in the news from coast to coast.  First there was a story out of Suffield, Connecticut about a pair of cows who had escaped from their pens and were found near the front door of a house.  Local police tried to paint this in a humorous light and warned residents not to open their doors to “any unfamiliar cattle” and posted on Facebook that two “suspicious males” were going door-to-door “trying to sell dairy products.”  Perhaps this was humorous or perhaps there is something a little more sinister involved.  Perhaps the cows intentions were innocent and they just wanted to come in, sit down, take a load off their feet and chew the cud with the locals.  Or perhaps this was just the first step in a planned takeover by the cows?

Now there is a story from the West Coast out of Beaumont, California about a report of someone “seeing a cow trying to climb out of a small car parked alongside an interstate.” When authorities responded they found one calf “trying to escape” from an open truck and another crammed into the floor of the backseat.  The car had not been reported as stolen and was registered to an address some 250 miles away.  Maybe they were not trying to escape from the car, maybe the car was the mode of escape for the calves.  Of course the car was stolen – where would two calves earn enough money to buy a car for their getaway?  Again people are laughing.

But could this be the beginning of a pattern? Are cows feed up and ready to rise up and proclaim their beef to the rest of the world?  There may be more at steak here than meets the eye.  Then again perhaps I am merely spouting udder nonsense.  I could go on for heifer and heifer, but I think I have milked this for all I can.

Friday Funny March 3, 2017 Bumper Sticker Philosophy

happyknowit

Happy Friday! Can you believe that it is already March? Spring is almost knocking on the door!  I hope you have a good weekend and if you get out on the road this weekend you might learn a little philosophy from the bumper stickers of the cars you see.   Here are some of my favorite bumper sticker phrases.

Enjoy!

The Hokey Pokey Clinic – a Place to Turn Yourself Around

Elephants Never Forget How to Ride a Bike

Hyperbole is the Best Thing Ever!

I Got in a Traffic Jam on My Road to Riches

26.2 – Been There – Run That

Why Can’t Chickens Cross the Road Without Having Their Motives Questioned?

Driver Carries No Cash – He is Married

Imagine Whirled Peas

Just say NO to Negativity.

 Gravity –  It’s not just a good idea, it’s the LAW!

Eschew obfuscation.

Caution!  I speed up to run over small animals.

Thought for the Week

We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful about what we pretend to be. ~Kurt Vonnegut

http://www.quotegarden.com