Monthly Archives: October 2014

Friday Funny October 31, 2014 Lessons From Horror Movies

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Happy Friday!  The end of October, means “Trick or Treat” for the kids and lots of horror movies on TV.  You may have asked yourself, “what should I do if I ever find myself in a situation similar to what happens in a horror movie?”  I am glad you asked and this week I want to pass on some useful advice I came across a few years ago. Read these carefully, the life you save may be your own!

Enjoy!

1 – When it appears that you have killed the monster, Never, never, NEVER check to see if it really is dead.

2 – Never, never, NEVER read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.

3 – Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out.

4 – When you have the benefit of numbers, never, never, NEVER pair off or go alone. Smack the first person that says, “Let’s split up.”

5 – As a general rule, don’t solve puzzles that open portals to Hades. It’s just not that fun.

6 – Never, never, NEVER stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. This would apply to any other house of the dead as well.

7 – If you’re searching for something which caused a loud noise and find out that it’s just the cat, GET OUT OF THERE IMMEDIATELY!

8 – If appliances start operating by themselves, never, never, NEVER check for short circuits; just GET OUT.

9 – Never, never, NEVER take ANYTHING from the dead.

10 – If you find a town which looks deserted, there’s probably a good reason for it. DO NOT stop and look around.

11 – Never, never, NEVER fool with recombining DNA technology unless you are absolutely 100% positive you know what you are doing.

12 – If you’re running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are female (females will always, always, ALWAYS break a heel and need to run while carrying the shoe which will later be thrown at the monster). Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, somehow it will always be moving fast enough to catch up with you.

13 – If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination with blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so forth, just go ahead and kill them immediately.

14 – It is always advisable to stay away from certain geographical locations, such as places named Elm Street, Transylvania, anywhere in Texas where chain saws are sold, the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.

15 – If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, never, never, NEVER go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help. If you think that it is strange you ran out of gas because you thought you had most of a tank, you are going to die and most likely be eaten.

16 – Take extreme caution around strangers bearing power tools: chain saws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, or electric carving knives.

17 – If you find that your house is built upon a cemetery, now is the time to move in with the in-laws. This also applies to houses that had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion.

18 – Dress appropriately. When investigating a noise downstairs in an old house (women should not wear a flimsy negligee). Carry a flashlight, not a candle. Make that two flashlights and a shotgun!

19 – Never, never, NEVER mention the names of demons around open flames, as these can flare suddenly. Be especially careful of fireplaces in this regard.

20 – Never, never, NEVER go looking for witches in the Maryland countryside.

Thought for the Week

Hold on, man.  We don’t go anywhere with “scary,” “spooky,” “haunted,” or “forbidden” in the title.  ~ Shaggy in Scooby-Doo

http://www.quotegarden.com

 

 

Trick or Treat

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This is that time of year when odd-looking strangers come knocking at your door.  No, I am not talking about politicians (they just call incessantly), I was thinking about the little and not-so-little ones that come for Trick or Treat. 

I have fond memories of Trick or Treat as a kid and I have lots of filings to prove it!  It was always exciting to come home and empty the pillow case (those plastic buckets were way too small) in the floor and take stock of the day’s plunder.  Of course it was a lot more fun to eat the candy than it was to look at it.  If I recall correctly, I was not too picky about the candy (I’m still not picky about candy).  Naturally, the Reese’s Cups, Hersey bars, Snickers bars and Almond Joys were gone long before the Bit ‘’O Honey and the Smarties, but I am pretty sure that I eventually got around to eating them all.

When my boys were little, they were much more methodical about their Trick or Treat candy than I was.  They would come home and dump their candy in the floor like I did.  However, they would then sort it into different piles.  Next came out the paper and pencil so they could document their inventory.  I think they were concerned about the amount of candy mysteriously disappearing by the hand of Dad who was suspected of pilfering his favorites from their stash.  So they would keep close track of their inventory as they gradually worked their way through the candy stock. 

I still manage to consume my share of Trick or Treat candy and for efficiency’s sake I make sure that all candy that is purchased for Trick or Treat is put to good use, especially that candy which is not distributed to the little ghouls and goblins.  Still, I have some haunting ponderings about Trick or Treat:

How can a “fun size” candy bar be more fun than a full size one? 

Has anyone really manufactured those orange and black wrapped peanut-buttery candies in the last fifty years or does the same candy just keep re-circulating?  Are these candies the Halloween equivalent of a fruit cake? 

Are Necco Wafers actually made from chalk?  Are all the leftover Necco Wafers gathered up after Trick or Treat and made into those big sticks of sidewalk chalk? 

What genius came up with the idea to put super-sugary liquid in a tiny wax bottles and why would anyone think kids would really like it? 

Why does the number of kids who show up at your door always exceed the amount of candy you have regardless of how much you have? 

Then there are those candies that just don’t make sense:

Candy corn is not corn

Boston Baked Beans have no beans

Circus Peanuts are not peanuts and have nothing to do with the circus

Have you ever tried to sew a candy buttons onto a shirt or actually wear a candy necklace more than once?

How much smarter does one get from eating Smarties?

Sixlets – have you noticed that they package them in different quantities, but never in a package of six?

Friday Funny October 24, 2014 Ask A Silly Question….

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Happy Friday!  I have been fortunate to get in a little vacation recently and have enjoyed my break from the everyday routine.  It seems like some people leave their brains at home when they go on vacation as evidenced by the following questions that were perportedly asked of Park Rangers around the country.

Enjoy!

Grand Canyon National Park

Was this man-made?

Do you light it up at night?

Is the mule train air-conditioned?

So where are the faces of the presidents?

Everglades National Park

Are the alligators real?

Are the baby alligators for sale?

Where are all the rides?

What time does the two o’clock bus leave?

Denali National Park (Alaska)

What time do you feed the bears?

Can you show me where the yeti lives?

How often do you mow the tundra?

How much does Mount McKinley weigh?

Mesa Verde National Park

Did people build this, or did Indians?

Why did they build the ruins so close to the road?

Do you know of any undiscovered ruins?

Why did the Indians decide to live in Colorado?

Carlsbad Caverns National Park

How much of the cave is underground?

So what’s in the unexplored part of the cave?

Does it ever rain in here?

How many Ping-Pong balls would it take to fill this up?

So what is this — just a hole in the ground?

Yosemite National Park

Where are the cages for the animals?

What time do you turn on Yosemite Falls?

Can I get my picture taken with the carving of President Clinton?

Yellowstone National Park

Does Old Faithful erupt at night?

How do you turn it on?

When does the guy who turns it on get to sleep?

Glacier National Park

When do the deer become elk?

When do the glaciers go by?

Thought for the Week
I love to think of nature as an unlimited broadcasting station, through which God speaks to us every hour, if we will only tune in. ~George Washington Carver

http://www.quotegarden.com

 

 

It Seems We Fear Many Things

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Before there was Disney World, before there was Universal Studios, before there was Sea World, there was Gatorland.  I recently had the opportunity to visit Gatorland and found it more enjoyable than I expected, it turned out to be a memorable way to spend an afternoon.  One of the most impressive areas of the park was the breeding marsh, an area complete with boardwalk and observation tower meandering over a shallow lake while more than one hundred alligators swam or sunned almost within reach.  It was almost impossible to walk so close to so many of these creatures and not feel at least a twinge of terror once in a while.  The buzzards hanging around in the nearby trees did not do much to assail these feelings.

Yet, I realized that as long as I stayed on the boardwalk, I would be safe.  I was in no real danger of being attacked by these alligators unless I decided to dive into the marsh with them.  There was zero chance of that happening.  Yet, any fear of being devoured by an alligator would not be a rational fear.  A quick internet search revealed that the last death in the US attributed to an alligator occurred in 2007.

I would be much more likely to meet my demise at the hands, hooves, horns or teeth of many other creatures.  Every year in the United States horses and cows kill more than twenty people.  One hundred twenty deaths yearly are caused by deer, many through automobile accidents.  Domestic dogs kill over one hundred eighty people annually.  Of course, the odds of any of these animals killing me are obviously very slim.

The dangers in the world are not limited to the animal kingdom.  Believe it or not, vending machines kill thirteen people annually, bathtubs kill three hundred forty, falling out of bed kills four hundred fifty people, and volcanos kill more than eight hundred annually.  All of these things kill more people than alligators. Again, the odds of any of these things happening to me is about as likely as me winning the lottery which, by the way I have never purchased a ticket for,

Often though we fret and worry more about being eaten by an alligator or being bitten by spiders than about things that have a much higher probability of happening to us.  According to the CDC there are five things that perhaps I should be concerned with: heart disease, cancer, lung disease, stroke and unintentional injuries such as those on roads or caused by medication overdoses.  Together, these five conditions cause almost two-thirds of all deaths in the country.  So, perhaps I should not give those alligators a second thought and instead should pay attention to diet and exercise which really do have an impact on my health and wellbeing.

Friday Funny October 17, 2014 Later Gator

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Happy Friday!  A visit to Gatorland led me to share a little biting humor this week.

Enjoy!

Q: What do you call an alligator in a vest?
A: An Investigator

Q: What’s the similarity between an alligator and a computer?
A: Neither of them has enough bytes!

Q: How many arms has an alligator got?
A: Depends how far along he is with his dinner!

Q: What do you get if you cross an alligator with a flower?
A: I don’t know, but I’m not going to smell it!

Q: Did you hear about the law firm with the most intimidating lawyers?
 A: It’s filled with liti-gators.

Q: What do you call an alligator with GPS?
A: A Navi-gator.

Q: What do you call the crocodile that sprays for bugs?
A:  A fumi-gator.

Q: What do alligators call human children?
A: Appetizers.

Q: What do you call an alligator that makes others fight?
A: An Instigator.

Q: Did you hear about the alligator who became a congressman?
A: He was an expert dele-gator.

Q: What do you call an alligator that works on a farm?
 A: An irri-gator.

Q: What happens if you get bitten by an alligator?
A: You get gatoraids
.

The best thing to do is just leave them alone. Alligators want to be away from you just as much as you want to be away from them. ~ Jack Hannah

http://www.brainyquote.com

What’s In a Name?

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I believe it was Shakespeare that told us, “A rose by any other name would smell as sweet.” His point being that the name of something does not affect what it really is.  However, lately I have started to notice that some names are changing and that names have changed precisely because the “thing” has changed.

The other night I decided to have some ice cream which is not unusual in any sense of the word.  I like ice cream and I will admit I eat more ice cream than I should.  However this time as I reached into the freezer and pulled out the carton, something caught my eye.  The carton did not state this was “ice cream,” stated that this was “frozen dairy dessert.”

Believe it or not, the United States Department of Agriculture, Agricultural Marketing Service, Dairy Division has developed a definition of ice cream that has not changed since my freshman year of college.  Per the USDA definition, ice cream will “weigh not less than 4.5 punds to the gallon, and contain not less than 20 percent total milk solids, constituted of not less than 10 percent milk fat.”  If the product does not meet the USDA definition, it cannot be labeled as “ice cream.”  I also did a search for a USDA definition of “frozen dairy dessert” which did not produce any results.  So, I can say that what I was eating was not “ice cream”; however, I am not sure that I can say what it actually was.  I can tell you that it tasted different than “ice cream” and you can trust me as a former professional ice cream dipper (my first job). I know ice cream.

I have also noticed other instances where the “rose” is no longer a “rose.”  Recently I was making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich (no, not grilled, that is another story).  I had to open a new jar of jelly and when I pulled it out, I noticed that it stated it was grape “spread.”  Yes, the United States Department of Agriculture, Agricultural Marketing Service, Fruit and Vegetable Division, Processed Products Branch has produced United States Standards for Grades of Fruit Jelly which have been in effect since my junior year of college.  These standards are voluntary and detail 4 kinds of fruit jelly but is silent on what constitutes fruit “spread.”  So again, I know more about what I was not eating that what I was eating.

I recently went to KFC and noticed that to top off the biscuit that came with my meal I was given buttery spread and honey spread.  Again there are standards for butter (even margarine) and honey, but I did not find any government standards for buttery spread or honey spread.

A rose by another other name might continue to smell as sweet, but frozen dairy dessert does not takes as sweet as ice cream and grape spread does not taste the same as grape jelly.  It has been said that “you are what you eat.”  I guess I am heading into a bit of an identity crises.

 

Friday Funny October 10, 2014, THE WORLD’S EASIEST QUIZ

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Happy Friday!  It seems we are bombarded daily by facts, figures and loads of new information.  Most days I feel like I know less at the end of the day than I did at the beginning.  So once in a while we need something that is reassuring and reaffirming to let us know that we have learned a thing or two over the years.  So, to help you get that confident feeling back again I am happy to provide something that has been circulating for quite some time on the internet, simply called “The World’s Easiest Quiz”

Enjoy!

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?

2) Which country makes Panama hats?

3) From which animal do we get catgut?

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5) What is a camel’s-hair brush made of?

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?

7) What was King George VI’s first name?

8) What color is a purple finch?

9) What country do Chinese gooseberries come from?

10) How long did the Thirty Years War last?

 OK, put your pencils down, the answers are below – no cheating!

 

(answers below)

 

 

 

 

1) 116 years, from 1337 to 1453.

2) Ecuador.

3) From sheep and horses.

4) November.  The Russian calendar was 13 days behind ours.

5) Squirrel fur.

6) The Latin name was Insularia Canaria – Island of the Dogs.

7) Albert.  When he came to the throne in 1936 he respected the

wish of Queen Victoria that no future king should ever be

called Albert.

8) Distinctively crimson.

9) New Zealand.

10) Thirty years, of course.  From 1618 to 1648.

Thought for the Week

Be not angry that you cannot make others as you wish them to be, since you cannot make yourself as you wish to be. ~Thomas à Kempis, Imitation of Christ, c.1420

http://www.quotegarden.com