Monthly Archives: September 2016

Friday Funny September 30, 2016 Another Baker’s Dozen of Puns

lgs

Happy Friday!  Can you believe that this week brings us to the end of the third quarter of 2016? As we kick off this weekend, here is a another baker’s dozen of puns for you to ponder.

Enjoy!

My math teacher called me average. How mean!

I’d tell you a chemistry joke but I am uncertain of your reaction.

I thought about trying to annoy you with bird puns, but I realized that toucan play at that game.

Why did the bee get married? Because he found his honey. (Sorry, I usually hate insects puns, they really bug me.)

The other day I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought to myself now this is the last thing I need.

I am the ghost of Christmas Future Perfect Subjunctive: I will show you what would have happened were you not to have changed your ways!

Herb gardeners who work extra get thyme and a half

Last night, I kept dreaming that I had written Lord of the Rings. When I woke up, my wife said that I’d been Tolkien in my sleep

I was in the grocery the other day and this guy just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter. How dairy!

Awhile back I heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.

So what if I don’t know what apocalypse means!? It’s not like it is the end of the world!

I once knew a woman who owned a taser, man was she stunning!

I knew a guy who collected candy canes, they were all in mint condition.

Thought for the Week

“Of puns it has been said that those who most dislike them are those who are least able to utter them.” ~ Edgar Allan Poe

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Send in the Clowns

clown

Have you seen the stories that are popping up about the strange, unusual and even creepy appearances of people dressed like clowns and acting suspiciously?  But then don’t all clowns act a bit suspiciously? 

It started in Greenville, South Carolina, where some children reported clowns trying to lure them into the woods with money.  Since then it has spread faster than kudzu across the South  to Alabama, Georgia, North Carolina and has headed North to Maryland and Pennsylvania where there have been more reports of creepy clown encounters.

According to an AP Report Tricia Manuel aka Pricilla Mooseburger,a real clown who runs a training camp for real clowns wants us to be clear about who the real clowns in this story are.  “When people report these things it should be ‘someone dressed like a clown,’ because a real clown would never dress or do anything to scare anyone,” she said.  These reports have been hurting her business and she does not find that funny at all noting that some of  her clients are now afraid to go out and perform.  It does not take a degree in economics to figure out that if this continues to spread the bottom could fall out of the market for red noses and extra, extra, extra long shoes.

Some of the reported sightings have already been identified as hoaxes including a man in his twenties in Winston-Salem, North Carolina, who has been charged with falsely reporting that a clown knocked on his window.  I can just imagine the next time this guy thinks he has found a job, the prospective employer does a background check and the head of HR walks into the CEO’s office and says, “I hate to be the one to tell you this L.C., but that new CFO you want to hire was convicted a few years ago of falsely reporting that a clown knocked on his window.”

The Pennsylvania State Police are investigating recent unspecified clown sightings in the towns of Huntingdon and Ebensburg, where a woman reported that a clown had peeped through her window. Trooper Adam Reed said citizens should “not confront the individual but rather gather information and report it to your local police.”  Police have released a description of the suspect: he had a chalk-white face with a bright red smile, a big red nose and crazy green hair.  He was seen fleeing the scene in a small red car that appeared to have at least a dozen other people in it.

Some  have noted that the public’s perception of clowns has been going downhill since Stephen King’s 1986 novel about a child-killing clown, “It.” But the latest incidents appear to take the cake right in the face.

Don’t let my glad expression give you the wrong impression.  Really I’m sad, oh I’m sadder than sad.  Sorry, but there is just something about this whole thing that sounds a little funny to me.

Friday Funny September 23, 2016 I Choose to Laugh

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Happy Friday!  Summer is officially over, fall is here and next week brings us the first presidential debate.  This week I offer you some nonpartisan humor to help us make through the next couple of months.

Enjoy!

When the President pushes the big red button, Chuck Norris’s cell phone rings.

If Chuck Norris were president, he would protect the secret service.

Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. “Give me your money,” he demanded. Indignant, the affluent man replied, “You can’t do this – I’m a US Congressman!” “In that case,” replied the robber, “Give me MY money!”

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Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from New York, another is from Kentucky, and the third is from Ohio. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Ohio contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. “Well,” he says, “I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.” The Kentucky contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, “I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.” The New York contractor doesn’t measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, “$2,700.” The official, incredulous, says, “You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?” The New York contractor whispers back, “$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Kentucky to fix the fence.” “Done!” replies the government official.

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A minster walks into a Washington, D.C., barbershop, got his hair cut and asked how much he owed. “No charge, Reverend,” the barber said. “I consider it a service to the Lord.” when the barber arrived at his shop the next morning, he found a Bible on the stoop along with a thank you note.

A few days later a police officer came in got his hair cut and asked how much he owed.  “No charge, officer,” the barber answered. “I consider it a service to my community.” The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts on the stoop along with a thank you note from the police officer.

A few days after that, a Senator walked in for a haircut. “How much do I owe you?” he asked afterward. “No charge,” the barber replied. “I consider it a service to my country.” The next morning when he arrived at the shop, the barber found a dozen Senators waiting on the stoop.

Thought for the Week

We have plenty of Confidence in this country, but we are a little short of good men to place our Confidence in. ~Will Rogers

http://www.quotegarden.com

Friday Funny September 16, 2016 Jokes You Can Bank On

bank

Happy Friday!  I started a job as a bank teller in September 1990 and I have been working for or hanging around banks ever since.  Here are a few banking jokes that I hope interest you this week.

Enjoy!

Q: How many bankers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four. One to hold the bulb, and three to try to remember the combination.

Open For Business

Did you hear the one about the bank where the employees went on strike, leaving the bank officers to do the teller’s tasks?

While the strike was on, a customer called the bank to ask if they were open. They told her that they had two windows open.

Then the caller asked, “Can’t I just come through the front door?”

Banking Crisis Looming in Japan
According to the latest reports, a major banking crisis is immanent in Japan. 

The crisis began last week following news that Origami Bank had folded.  Now we are hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank is planning to cut back some of its branches. 

Rumor has it that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and could be had for a song. 

During trading today shares in Kamikaze Bank nose-dived. Latest reports say that 500 back-office staff are on the chopping block at Karate Bank. 

Further analysts have reported that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank –staff fear they may be in for a raw deal. 

Thought for the Week

“A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.”  ~ attributed to Mark Twain and Robert Frost

About Par for the Course

putt-putt

I am not a golfer.  I never have been and at this stage of my life the odds are that I never will be.  If someone asks me if I want to “split a bucket” I take it as an invitation to go to KFC.  I still play softball because when I hit a ball, I want someone else to chase it.

However, I was looking for something the other day and came across a three game ticket for Putt-Putt and I was reminded how much fun I had going to Putt-Putt when I was growing up.  If memory serves me correctly, Wednesday was Dollar Day when you could play from open until 5:00 for $1.  My friend Chris and I would make the mile long trip on our bikes hoping there would not be much traffic on Markey Road and cutting through business parking lots to avoid riding on North Main Street to arrive at Putt-Putt behind Peffley Ford and adjacent to Forest Park Plaza.  There we would putt the day away stopping maybe for a can of soda pop and some beef jerky purchased at the counter.  When we had finally had enough, we would stop for an Icee at the Stop ‘N Go on the way home.  No cell phones, so our parents pretty much had to trust us that we went where we said we were going and would return by the time we were expected to be home.  In my high school years it seems like there were a lot of summer Sunday nights that a group would head to Putt-Putt after church.  

This wasn’t one of those fancy mini-golf courses with volcanoes and waterfalls.  This was just plan old Putt-Putt.  It had three different courses just like the courses you could see on television on the weekends when they televised the Professional Putters Association tournaments.  I guarantee you that I did not make that up.

Perhaps the reason that I never caught the golf bug is that I was never very good at Putt-Putt.  I believe every hole was a par 2, so 36 was a par score.  I think there was only a time or two I ever had under 36.  So, perhaps I learned early that golf was never going to be an enjoyable past-time for me.  Too bad the Putt-Putt in Dayton is not there any longer or else I could put this ticket to good use and maybe even sink a hole in one or two for old times sake.

Friday Funny September 9, 2016 Are You Ready for Some Football?

football

Happy Friday!  Summer is over, school is back in session and professional football is back for another season.  So, let’s kick off this Friday with some football jokes.

Enjoy!

Two football fans were talking as they approached the stadium before the game…

First fan:”I wish I’d brought the piano to the stadium.”

Second fan: “That’s ridiculous, why would you bring a piano to the football game?”

First fan: “Well, that is where I left the tickets.”

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Three Browns fans were talking about the sad state of their team. 

The first fan lamented… “I blame the owner; if we could sign better players, we’d be a great team.”

The second fan lamented… “I blame the players; if they made more effort, I’m sure we would score more points.”

The third fan lamented… “I blame my parents; if I had been born someplace else, I’d be rooting for a decent team.”

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The Eagles are having a meeting on the eve of a game with the Browns. The coach says, “Look guys, I know the Browns are terrible, but we have to play them or else we get in trouble with the NFL.”

The quarterback chimes in, “I’ve got an idea why don’t you guys all just sleep in, stay at the hotel and relax and let me play them on my own?  They’re such a bad team it shouldn’t be a problem.”

  “Brilliant Idea!” the coach says. “Let’s do that!”

On the day of the game, the team relaxes by the pool, and the coach decides to check the score. He turns on the television and the announcer says: “It’s the Eagles 7 and the Browns 0 at the end of the 1st quarter.”   The whole team cheers.

About 4:00 the coach decides to check the final score.  The announcer comes on again.   “I can’t believe this but the Browns scored on the final play of the fourth quarter and converted the two points to win 8 to 7!” “What in the world went wrong?!” screams the coach.

He quickly jumps into a cab to the stadium. He rushes in to find the QB sitting in the dressing room with his head in his hands.   “Well, what happened?” asks the coach.   The QB shakes his head. “I had it all under control,” he says.  “Everything was going according to plan, but then I got hurt in the second quarter and had to come out of the game….”

Thought for the Week

Speed, strength, and the inability to register pain immediately.  ~Reggie Williams, when asked his greatest strengths as a football player

http://www.quotegarden.com

 

How Many Firsts Can There Be?

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If you arrive early to a baseball game, you will probably see a ceremonial first pitch.  This is a longstanding ritual of baseball where a guest of honor throws a ball to mark the end of pregame festivities and the start of the game.  The guest might be a local or national politician, a distinguished military veteran, a widely or not-so-wildly known celebrity, or someone representing the business that paid for that night’s promotional item. 

The ceremonial first pitch is, I imagine, a big thrill for the person who get to throw it and gives those in attendance something to watch for a moment while waiting for the game to begin.  I have no problem with the ceremonial first pitch, it is a nice tradition that belongs to baseball.  However, many games I have gone to do not only have a ceremonial first pitch, they have multiple ceremonial first pitches.

By definition, how can there be more than one ceremonial first pitch?  Wouldn’t that make it a ceremonial first pitch, a ceremonial second pitch, a ceremonial third pitch, etc? I imagine they do not want to hurt anyone’s feelings by having them throw out a ceremonial pitch that is not “first.”

Fortunately I have a solution.  There is usually about thirty minutes or more between the time the visiting team finishes batting practice and the time the game begins.  There are usually a number of fans that have nothing to do during this time, so why not entertain the fans with some sort of competition between those who will be throwing out ceremonial pitches to determine the order that the pitches are given.  This would provide a degree of pride and meaning to the ceremonial first pitch.   There are many possibilities:  the prospective pitches could have a race around the bases to find out who is fastest.  There could be a sunflower seed spitting contest judging distance and accuracy.  Maybe a sliding contest with the fans judging style points.  Perhaps contests of who could eat the most hot dog, who could throw a bag of peanuts, who could stuff the most snow cones in their shirt, just let one’s imagination run wild.  It would fill in that time between batting practice and the start of the game and the person who threw out the first ceremonial pitch would be proud of his or her accomplishment.