Monthly Archives: August 2017

Friday Funny September 1, 2017 Stars and Shingles

Happy Friday and Happy Labor Day!  I hope you have a chance to kick back a little bit and relax this weekend.  Here are a couple of jokes to jump start your weekend.

Enjoy!

STAR OF THE EUPHRATES

King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. He was down to his last great possession, the most valuable diamond known in the ancient world, the Star of the Euphrates, But the kink was desperate, so he went to Giddius, the pawnbroker, to get a loan.

Giddius said, “I’ll give you 100,000 dinars for it.”

“But I paid a million dinars for it,” the king protested. “Don’t you know who I am!? I am the king!!”

Giddius simply replied, “I am sorry but when you wish to pawn a Star, it makes no difference who you are.”

SHINGLES

These days, it seems like more and more doctors are running their practices like an assembly lines. I heard about a guy who recently walked into a doctor’s office.  He was greeted by the receptionist who asked him what he had.

He said, “Shingles.”

The receptionist took down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse’s aid came out and asked him what he had.

He said, “Shingles.”

The nurse’s aid took down his height, his weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room. After a half-hour a nurse came in and asked him what he had.

He said, “Shingles.”

So the nurse gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, she then told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor. After another hour the doctor came in and asked him what he had.

He said, “Shingles.”

The doctor said, “Where do you have them?”

The man replied, “Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?”

Thought for the Week

God give me work, till my life shall end
And life, till my work is done.
~Epitaph of Winifred Holtby

http://www.quotegarden.com

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The Class of 2021 Arrives on Campus

It is fall, time for school to start again and time for me, once again, to be reminded of how old I am getting.  About this time each year Beloit College publishes their “Mindset List” noting events that have shaped the incoming freshman class.  About this time each year, I share some of my favorite items from their list.  This year I was struck by how many of the items deal with computers which were still shiny and new when I started my college career. 

In fact, I am so old that I remember my high school chemistry teacher, Mr. Youngerman insisting that we learn how to use a slide rule – a slide rule! (if you have to look it up, you are definitely younger than I).  

For the whole list visit http://www.beloit.edu/mindset

Enjoy!

Freshman entering college this year are mostly 18 and were born in 1999 and  they will be the last class to be born in the 1900s, the last of the Millennials. 

Peanuts comic strips have always been repeats.

They are the first generation for whom a “phone” has been primarily a video game, direction finder, electronic telegraph, and research library.

They have largely grown up in a floppy-less world. (Hey, I grew up in a floppy-less world too!)

There have always been emojis to cheer us up.

It is doubtful that they have ever used or heard the high-pitched whine of a dial-up modem.

By the time they entered school, laptops were outselling desktops.

Whatever the subject, there’s always been a blog for it.  

In their lifetimes, Blackberry has gone from being a wild fruit to being a communications device to becoming a wild fruit again. 

They have only seen a Checker Cab in a museum.

The Mars Polar Lander has always been lost.

The image of Sacagawea has always adorned the dollar coin, if you can find one.

Nolan Ryan has always worn his Texas Rangers cap in Cooperstown, while Steve Young and Dan Marino have always been watching football from the sidelines.

Thought for the Week

“I complain that the years fly past, but then I look in a mirror and see that very few of them actually got past ” ~ Robert Brault

Friday Funny August 18, 2017 Beyond a Shadow

Happy Friday!  I hope you have had a great week.  There is a lot of excitement over the much-anticipated eclipse next week.  So buy your special sunglasses and brush up on a little eclipse humor.

Enjoy!

How does the Man in the Moon cut his hair?  Eclipse it!

How do you organize an eclipse party?  You planet!

Some people can tell what time it is simply by looking at the sun.  I am impressed by that, I have never been able to make out the numbers.

I remember when I was a kid I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, it finally dawned on me.

I heard that they opened a restaurant on the moon.  They say the food was great but it lacked atmosphere.

I heard that a moon rock is tastier than an earth rock because it is a little meteor.

Is a light year like a regular year but with a third less calories?

I thought about majoring in astronomy when I was in college, but figured that I would just be taking up space.

With all the excitement about the upcoming eclipse I wanted to gain a better understanding of what was really happening, so I went to a show at the planetarium but I have to admit that the program was over my head.

I heard that NASA wants to send a wildebeest into orbit seems they want a brave gnu whirled.

Thought for the Week

It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

http://www.quotegarden.com

 

Friday Funny August 11, 2017 Zombie jokes

Happy Friday!  Don’t look behind you, a zombie might be gaining on you!

Enjoy!

Q: What does it take to become a zombie?
A: DEADication!

Q: What did the zombie’s friend say when he introduced him to his girlfriend?
A: Good grief! Where did you dig her up from?

Q: What is a zombie’s favorite toy?
A: A DEADY bear!

Q: What did the zombie say before his fight?
A: Do you want a piece of me?

Q: Why did the zombie cross the road?
A: He wanted to eat the chicken!

Q: What has a dog’s head, a cat’s tail and brains all over its face?
A: A zombie coming out of the pet store!

Q: What did the zombie say to his date?
A: I just love a woman with BRAAAINS!

Q: Where do most zombies live?                                                                                                            A: On DEAD end streets! 

Q: What did the man say to his forgetful zombie wife?                                                                      A: You forgot your HEAD because it wasn’t attached!

Q: Did you hear about the zombie who tortured his victims with music?                                   A: His BACH was worse than his bite!

Thought for the Week

I am one of those people who just can’t help getting a kick out of life — even when it’s a kick in the teeth. ~Polly Adler

http://www.quotegarden.com

 

Friday Funny August 4, 2017 Wise Words of Mark Twain

Happy Friday! It is hard to believe that August is here and back-to-school is just around the corner.  This week, let’s dust off some memorable lines from one of America’s most notable writers, Mark Twain.

Enjoy!

The secret of getting ahead is getting started.

When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old.

I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.

Let us so live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.

Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.

Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.

Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with.

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.

It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.

The best way to cheer yourself is to try to cheer someone else up.

The man who doesn’t read good books has no advantage over the man who can’t read them.

Thunder is good, thunder is impressive; but it is lightning that does the work.

It’s no wonder that truth is stranger than fiction. Fiction has to make sense.

Action speaks louder than words but not nearly as often.

All generalizations are false, including this one.

Thought for the Week

If the world comes to an end, I want to be in Cincinnati. Everything comes there ten years later.~ often attributed to Mark Twain