Monthly Archives: July 2016

Friday Funny July 29, 2016 Shark Jokes

shark9

Happy Friday!  Scanning through the television channels this week, I noticed that it was Shark Week.  So, here are a few jokes for you to ink your teeth into.

Enjoy!

I was at the beach recently today when I saw a man in the sea yelling “Help, shark! Help!”I just chuckled to myself because I was pretty sure that shark wasn’t going to help him.

I told my friend I was attacked by a shark.  He asked me if I punched the shark on the nose.  I said, “No, it just attacked me for no reason.”

Did you hear about the aquarium owner? His shark was worse than his pike.

Q: why did the shark cross the great barrier reef?
A: to get to the other TIDE

Q: What is a shark’s favorite kind of sandwich?
A: Peanut butter and jellyfish!

Q: how did the crazy shark become normal again?
A: electro shark therapy

Q: Why don’t sharks have tools?
A: They don’t have opposable thumbs

Q: Why do sharks make terrible lawyers?
A: They’re too nice!

Q: What does a shark order at McDonald’s?
A: a quarter flounder with cheese

Q: What is a shark’s favorite sci-fi show                                                                                              A: Shark Trek 

Q: Why don’t sharks like fast food?                                                                                                      A: Because they can’t catch it! 

Q: What do you call a shark that can’t stop singing “U Can’t Touch This?”                               A: M.C. Hammerhead. 

Q: What did one shark say to try to comfort a friend who had just gotten out of a relationship                                                                                                                                                 A: “its OK there are plenty of other birds in the sky” 

Thought for the Week

Nostalgia is like a grammar lesson: you find the present tense but the past perfect! ~Attributed to both Owens Lee Pomeroy (1929–2008) and Robert Orben (b.1927)

http://www.quotegarden.com

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Friday Funny July 22, 2016, How Hot Is It?

sun

Happy Friday!  It is mid July and it is hotter than a firecracker on the fourth of July!  You are probably ready to punch the next person that asks, “Is it hot enough for you?  As they say we cannot do anything about the weather, so we might as well laugh at it.

Enjoy!

“How hot is it? It is sooooooooo hot that

the cows are giving evaporated milk.

the chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs.

I saw a dog chasing a cat and they were both walking.

hot water now comes out of both taps.

you can actually burn your hand opening the car door.

you realize that asphalt has a liquid state.

the birds have to use pot holders to pull worms out of the ground.

the potatoes cook underground, and all you have to do to have lunch is to pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.

farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard-boiled eggs.

you start putting ice cubes in your water-bed (does anyone still have one of these?).

you can make instant sun tea.

your car overheats before you even start the engine.

you learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.

I’m sweating like a politician on election day.

all the bread in the store is toast.

the catfish are already fried when you catch them.

the fire ants are really on fire.

the cornfield popped.

New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg was seen drinking a Big Gulp

Optimus Prime transformed into an air conditioner

I just saw a guy on the exit ramp with a sign that said “Will work for shade.”

Cincinnati Reds fans are taking the bags off of their heads.

I just fried a sidewalk in my good egg pan.

And finally…..

It was so hot that I found it rather uncomfortable.

Thought for the Week

What good is the warmth of summer, without the cold of winter to give it sweetness. ~John Steinbeck

http://www.quotegarden.com

 

Friday Funny July 15, 2016 Letting the Cat Out of the Bag

cat

Happy Friday!  Last week I gathered some dog jokes to send out.  So, in an effort to be fair and balanced, this week I found some cat jokes for you.

Enjoy!

Q: What do cats use to make coffee? A: A purrcolator.

Q: What do you use to comb a cat? A: A catacomb.

Q: What is it called when a cat wins a dog show? A: A CAT-HAS-TROPHY! 

Q: What do you call a pile of kittens? A: a meowntain 

Q: Why don’t cats like online shopping? A: They prefer a cat-alogue.

Q: What did the cat say when he lost all his money? A: I’m paw!

Q: Did you hear about the cat who swallowed a ball of yarn? A: She had a litter of mittens. 

Q: What do you call the cat that was caught by the police? A: The purrpatrator. 

Q: What do you call a cat that gets anything it wants? A: Purrr-suasive. 

Q: What do you feed an invisible cat? A: Evaporated milk. 

Q: Did you hear about the cat that thought she was a dog? A: She was purr-plexed. 

Q: Did you hear about the cat that climbed the Himalayas? A: She was a sher-paw. 

Dogs vs. Cats Top 10 Differences

1. Dogs will tilt their heads and try to understand every word you say. Cats will ignore you and take a nap.

2.  Cats look silly on a leash.

3. When you come home from work, your dog will be happy and lick your face. Cats will still be mad at you for leaving in the first place.

4. Dogs will give you unconditional love until the day they die. Cats will make you pay for every mistake you’ve ever made since the day you were born.

5. A dog knows when you’re sad. And he’ll try to comfort you. Cats don’t care how you feel, as long as you remember where the can opener is.

6. Dogs will bring you your slippers. Cats will drop a dead mouse in your slippers.

7. When you take them for a ride, dogs will sit on the seat next to you. Cats have to have their own private basket, or they won’t go at all.

8. Dogs will come when you call them. And they’ll be happy. Cats will have someone take a message and get back to you.

9. Dogs will play fetch with you all day long. The only thing cats will play with all day long are small rodents or bugs, preferably ones that look like they’re in pain.

10. Dogs will wake you up if the house is on fire. Cats will quietly sneak out the back door. 

Thought for the Week
In order to keep a true perspective of one’s importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him. ~Dereke Bruce
http://www.quotegarden.com

Don’t Spend It All In One Place

Honda-CR-V-2012-1280-01

We are assaulted by advertisements all the time.  Every time we turn on the TV or the radio we see and hear commercials.  Most of the commercials go in one ear and out the other, but every once in a while, something about an ad will make me stop and listen and then I start to think which is usually not good.

Today, I heard a commercial for a certain brand of gasoline with a great new additive that will help to prolong the life of my car.  Sounds nice.  Plus, there is almost always a “plus,” as an added bonus it will improve my gas mileage.  Well, who does not want better gas mileage?  But, being the kind of person I am, I had to ask, “How much of a difference will it really make?”

The advertisement states that using this product will restore an “average of 3 – 5 miles per tank.”  Notice that is per TANK, not per gallon.  So, they are losing my interest rather quickly, but just for fun (I know, I need to get out more!) let’s put some numbers to this and see what impact using this product would really have.

First, we need some numbers. So, let’s assume the following: 1) I buy a new car and will keep it for 15 years; 2) I will be an average US driver and drive 13,500 miles per year; 3) I will average 25.5 miles per gallon; 4) My gas tank holds 15 gallons of fuel; 4) the price of gas is $2.50.

Next, if we do the math, we will divide the miles driven (13,500 x 15) by the average MPG of 25.5.  The result is that I can expect to use 7,942 gallons of gas over the next 15 years.  So, if my gas tank holds 15 gallons, then I will use approximately 530 tanks over than time.  The ad claims an improvement of 3-5 miles per tank, so let’s go right in the middle and use 4 miles per tank.

OK, so 4 miles per tank means I will improve 2,120 miles over the life of the vehicle.  So, if the average MPG is 25.5, then that will save me 86.5 gallons.  If we assume the price of gas is $2.50, then I will save $216.25.  Well a dollar is a dollar, so $200 is nice.  But remember, that is over 15 years, so my average savings per year is a little less than $14,50, or not quite three Pepperoni Hot ‘N Ready’s.  

Now, I am not all that excited about what this product will do for me.  This is a major name brand of gasoline and often the major brands cost a little more.  So, if the price of this particular brand, on average, is more than $0.03 higher than the competition, the savings completely disappear. 

I am all for better gas mileage and I am all for saving money; however, it will take more than three pepperoni pizzas a year to get me excited about going out of my way for this brand of gasoline.

 

Friday Funny July 8, 2016 Dog Days of Summer

LW DW Tucker

Happy Friday!  We are in July and headed toward those dog days of summer, so why not start your Friday with some canine humor?

Enjoy!

A three-legged dog walks into a bar and says, ‘I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.’

A dog walks into a job center. ‘Wow, a talking dog,’ says the clerk. ‘With your talent I’m sure we can find you a gig in the circus.’ ‘The circus?’ says the dog. ‘What does a circus want with a plumber?’

Two men are talking about animals. One says to the other, ‘I know of a dog worth $100,000.’ ‘Really??’ replies the other. ‘Who would have thought a dog could save so much.’

Q: What looks like a dog, eats dog food, lives in a doghouse, and is very dangerous?
A: A dog with a machete.

Q: What do you call a dog with no legs?
A: It doesn’t matter; he still won’t come when you call.

Q: What do you call a dog that licks an electrical socket? A: Sparky.

Q: What did the dog say to the tree?  A:  Bark!

Q:  What do you call a dog with a surround sound system? A: a sub-woofer.

Q: What did the dog say to the sandpaper? A:  Ruff!

Q: What happened when the dog went to the flea circus? A: He stole the show!

Q: What do you call a dog magician? A: A labracadabrador.

Q: Who is the dog’s favorite comedian? A: Growlcho Marx!

Thought for the Week

My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am. ~Author Unknown

http://www.quotegarden.com