Monthly Archives: October 2019

Friday Funny November 1, 2019 More Lessons From Horror Movies

Happy Friday!  Happy November!  Hopefully you have not already eaten all of your leftover Halloween candy yet – pace yourself and spread it out for a few weeks.  Besides Trick-or-Treat this is the time of year that a lot of horror movies are being played on TV and streaming services.  These movies besides offering entertainment also offer some valuable life lessons and this week I would like to share a few of them with you.

Enjoy!

* Avoid exploring abandoned places.  While getting off the beaten path may sound appealing, it is just not worth the risk.  Go where there are people, lots and lots of people.

* Do not stop, even for a moment if you are somewhere so remote that that there is no cellphone coverage.  Keep moving until you have at least two bars.

* Just avoid camping, it is not safe.  Even if nothing evil happens, a nice hotel is a lot more comfortable.

* Do not trust anyone that you meet on an isolated road no matter how nice they seem or how dire his (they tend to always be male) circumstances are.  Do not believe his story, just keep going. 

* Do not trust anyone you meet in a small, quaint town that you never knew existed.  They always SEEM nice at first – just keep moving.

* If that dream house in a relaxing setting appears too good to be true there is a reason.  The real estate agent will not tell you about the ax murderer who lived there or about the walls that bleed at night.

* Keep an open mind.  If strange things are happening and someone suggests a really weird, out-of-left field kind of theory, don’t just dismiss it.  The wilder it is, the more likely it is to be correct.

* Exit through the front door as quickly as possible.  Never, under any circumstances, run up the stairs if you are being chased.

* Beware of mirrors.  They may seem harmless but they often are the first place where strange, evil beings appear.  Do not ask questions to mirrors.  Do not repeat names while staring into a mirror.

* If you find a nice, impressive, shiny object just left at the side  of the road, assume that it is either possessed or a source of great evil.

Thought for the Week

“We all go a little mad sometimes.” ~ Norman Bates in Psycho

Kindergarten Halloween

Halloween is almost upon us.  One of my earliest, distinct memories of Halloween is from kindergarten.  I do not recall a lot of specifics of what I learned in kindergarten.  It seems there was a wooden shoe that we used to learn how to tie shoelaces.  I remember a large circle with pictures on the floor that told us where to sit.  I do not recall a lot of specifics.  Mrs. Wilson, who taught at my school for decades was a nice lady.  Based on how many of those that began their formal education under her tutelage  turned out, she must have been an excellent kindergarten teacher.

But I do remember Halloween.  I guess that would have been about eight weeks into the school year.  I was looking forward to the day because we were told that we could wear our costumes to school.  My costume was one of those cheap ones that came in a box and consisted of a thin plastic mask with a little elastic band that never made it through Trick or Tread and a one piece garment made of very thin material that you wore over your clothes.  You would put in your arms and legs and then tie it in the back like a hospital gown.  My costume was a devil – no idea if I picked that one out or if my Mother may have chosen it for absolutely no particular reason at all.  Imagine if a five year-old showed up at school in a devil costume today: the school would be put on lock down, the parents would be arrested and the kid would be suspended,  But this was a different day and  I was excited.  I was so excited I could not wait (remember when you were young and an hour seemed to last for a week and now a month seems like a day?)  Anyway.  I was so excited to go; however, I was in afternoon class, so I had to wait all the way until after lunch and recess.  I think I even went a little early while the kids were out at recess because I really was excited. So there I was all dressed up and ready to share Halloween with all my long-term friends who I had known for an entire two months.  Then my  bubble burst.  Not all the kids wore costumes to school, only the kindergartners did.  So while I was waiting for recess to end so that I could go into my class I was informed by an older and more worldly-wise child, probably a second grader, that she was too old to wear a costume to school and that kindergarten babies were made of gravy. While I have always had a taste for gravy, especially over mashed potatoes, I perceived that this was not intended as a compliment.  The result was that my feelings were hurt and I was and most likely scarred me for life, given that this is one of my clear memories of this entire year of my life.  I think I started to cry and when Mrs. Wilson came to the door to let us in for the afternoon session, she took me in before the other kids so I could get my act together and appear more stoic to all the other costume clad kindergartners.  The rest of the day continued without further incident and also with nothing else memorable.

There is no great moral to this story.  But be advised to pick out your costumes carefully and do not get too excited.  This Halloween will come and go just like all the others so have fun no matter your age..

Friday Funny October 25, 2019 Happy Halloween Jokes

Happy Friday!  Halloween is just a week away, that means it is time to dig deep into my bag of tricks and treat you to some Halloween jokes!

Enjoy!

I went to an Italian restaurant on Halloween, the special was fettuccine afraid-o a)

I went to Starbucks on Halloween, the barista was a ghost who asked me if I wanted my coffee with scream and sugar.

Is it true that to keep their hair in place witches use scare-spray?

Is it true that the skeleton did not cross the road because he didn’t have the guts?

Is it true that a ghost’s favorite place to go for vacation is Mali-boo?

Is it true that ghosts like to ride elevators because it raises their spirits?

I went Trick-or-Treating at my eye doctor’s house.  He was giving out candy corneas.

Is the scariest plant on Halloween Bam-BOO?

Is the scariest animal on Halloween Cari-BOO?

Did you hear about the ghoul wo had a job cleaning houses?  He was known as the  “grim sweeper.”

Did you hear about the vampire who opened a kitchen goods store?  It is called Count Spatula.

Do skeletons make good comedians because they have funny bones?

Would you fix a broken jack-o-lantern with a pumpkin patch?

Did you hear about the ghost that stopped by the florist shop to pick up a boo-quet for his ghoulfriend?

Thought for the Week

“I could never get my parents to buy a pumpkin for Halloween.   They just made me stand in the window.  It really wasn’t too bad until the candle started to burn the roof of my mouth.” ~ Anonymous 

 

The Worst Two Years of My Education

Last week I was thinking about the typing class I took in high school and that, although I did not realize it at the time, it turned out to be one of the most useful classes I have had.  Thinking about the most useful classes started me thinking about the other end of the educational spectrum.  In my case it is not a single class, instead it was two entire years of my public education.

I attended Shiloh Elementary School in Dayton, Ohio from kindergarten through eighth grade.  At the time that I entered seventh grade, someone in the Dayton Public School system decided that a change was needed in the teaching methods that would be used.  Apparently, it was time to do away with the old ways and implement a “new and improved” educational approach. (Doesn’t that refrain pop up every decade or so?)  This grand, new idea that was to be piloted at my school was called Individualized Guided Education or IGE for short.  The basic premise was that kids are all at different levels and learn at different rates, so each child should be taught where they are and not forced to go at the same pace as everyone else in the class.  To further recognize and facilitate this the 6th, 7th and 8th grade classes were all intermingled.

Now theoretically this might sound like a nice idea and for some it worked.  My date to the senior prom in high school was able to skip an entire year of school by taking advantage of this system.  Alas I was not that type of overachiever.  I think I was a typical adolescent boy (read that as “inherently lazy”) so for two years I did as little as possible. Perhaps the result might have been better if individual students were chosen for the pilot instead of an entire school.

 Up through 6th grade I would say that math was perhaps my best subject – after that it was my worst.  As I recall, there was little or no classroom instruction.  I was to take a pretest on a chapter in the math book, if I passed, I moved onto the next chapter, if I did not pass I was supposed to do the work in the chapter then take a post-test and, if passed, move onto the next chapter.  The idea was to go to the teacher and ask questions, I was not one to go out of my way to talk to a teacher and so I would just sit and try to muddle through it out on my own, each week falling further behind my peers. Grades were simply “pass” or “fail” – again as an lazy adolescent boy –  what motivation did I have to do more than pass?  The only real consequence I remember during those two years was an 8th grade basketball game that I was ineligible for because of a science assignment.  It was not because I had a poor grade on it, I just did not see the need to complete and turn it in.  I completed the assignment before the next game. (Not that it mattered – we were a pretty bad team and I was a bench warmer.)

When I moved onto my freshman year of high school, upon recommendation of my elementary school teachers, I took the easiest math and science classes offered. I remember looking at my first grade report in high school and thinking to myself, “I guess these are the grades I am supposed to get.” Fortunately that first report card was a very good one. I do not profess to be a genius, but I do think that I am smarter than the average bear and I can back this belief up with two earned master’s degrees and five professional certifications.

Over the years, I have thought I should gather up all the men and women who attended Shiloh during that time and we should file a class action suit against the Dayton Public Schools for malpractice or malfeasance or mal-something or other for wasting  those formative years that did not prepare many of us for anything.  Education theories and methods may be nice, but they do have a real and lasting impact on the students involved and, in my case, it was not good.

 

Friday Funny October 18, 2019 Sorry But That Is Not A Good Reason To Miss Work.

Happy Friday! Congratulations! You have made it through another week and the weekend is almost upon us!  Occasionally something might come up that can keep us from getting to work on time or perhaps causing us to miss the entire day.  When that happens, I hope the reason that you offer your boss is not one of those below.

Enjoy!

Sorry, but I forgot that you hired me.

Sorry, but when I looked at the Lotto numbers last night, I was sure I had won. I was going to quit today but when I double-checked again this morning, I only won $5.

Sorry, but I ate way too much last night at a party and I need a day off to let all of that food digest.

Sorry, but I think my dog is having a mental breakdown.

Sorry, but there is a large, angry dog in front of my house and I think he will attack me if I try to get to my car.

Sorry, but I thought there was a Level 1 Nice Day Emergency and that it was against the law for me to drive to work.

Sorry, but I am so upset about who got kicked off Survivor last night that I just can’t concentrate on work today.

 Sorry, but my cat unplugged my alarm clock.

Sorry, but I got stuck in the blood pressure machine at the grocery store.

Sorry, but someone glued all my doors and windows shut and I can’t get out of the house.

Sorry, but I was bitten by a goose on my way to work and need to go to the doctor.

Sorry, but I just can’t find an outfit that works with my mood today.

Sorry, but the cookies I was going to bring to work today did not turn out well and I will have to make a new batch.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Researchers at Harvard say that taking a power nap for an hour in the afternoon can totally refresh you. They say by the time you wake up you’ll feel so good, you’ll be able to start looking for a new job.” ~Jay Leno

http://www.quotegarden.com

The Most Useful Class I Took in High School

It has been several years since I was in high school, okay it has been several decades since I was in high school.  As is the case with every generation, I remember asking myself if any of this stuff would ever come in handy in real life.  I will even admit that although I do not spend my days happily quoting the quadratic equation, I do make frequent use of some of the simpler functions of algebra.  I have had to write many reports over the years and the more recent affinity for blogging does take advantage of a decent grasp on the English language.  However, I would say that what might just be the most useful class I took in high school is one that I underappreciated at the time – typing.  At least it was called typing back then, today it would be called keyboarding.  I will admit that I did not put a lot of time or effort into that class and remember my main achievement was producing a picture of a bowling pin and ball by typing x’s in the correct pattern to accomplish this astounding feat.  Little did I realize how many hours of my life would be spent pounding out numbers and letters on a qwerty keyboard with a side 10 key pad.  As they say “if I knew then what I know now” I would have used my time wisely then to develop a quite useful life skill.  It just goes to show you that one should take advantage of all learning opportunities because it just might come in really handy down the road.

Friday Funny October 11, 2019 Bungals

Happy Friday!  The NFL is entering into week 6 and there are 4 teams that have yet to win their first game.  Among those is the once-again bottom dwelling Bengals.  In 1970 the Cleveland Browns traded Paul Warfield who was my favorite player and that was  the end of be being a Browns fan.  I rooted for the Bengals through thick and thin (there was a lot more thin) for forty years.  At the conclusion of the 2010 season I made what has appeared to be a wise choice and decided to just not care about the Bengals or the NFL any longer.  However, just because I do not consider myself a fan any longer, does not mean that I cannot have a laugh at the expense of the Bengals.

Enjoy!

Q: What do the Bengals and the United States Postal Service have in common?

A: Neither one delivers on Sunday.

Q:  Why don’t they make Bengals jerseys for preschoolers?

A:  They are choking hazards.

Q:  What is the most popular pastry with the Bengals?

A: Turnovers.

Q: Why don’t former Bengals players make good trial lawyers?

A:  They have no defense.

Q: Why do the Bengals watch their game films in reverse?

A:  They gain more yards that way.

Q: How many Bengals does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Two, one to screw the bulb in and one to recover the fumble.

Q: How do the Bengals count to 10?

A: 0-1, 0-2, 0-3, 0-4, 0-5, 0-6, 0-7, 0-8, 0-9, 0-10.

Q: Name four things that adults should stop believing in.

A:  Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy and the Cincinnati Bengals.

Q: Why doesn’t Andy Dalton use the phone anymore?

A: Because he can’t find the receiver.

Q: What do the Bengals and a Chick-Fil-A manager have in common?

A: Neither one shows up for work on Sunday.

Q: Why are the Bengals like a grizzly bear?

A: They both go into hibernation in the fall.

Q: What’s the difference between the Bengals and a dollar bill?

A: You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.

Q: What do the Bengals and possums have in common?

A: They both play dead at home and get killed on the road!

Q: How many Bengals does it take to change a tire?

A: Only one, unless it’s a blowout, in which case they all show up.

Q: Why don’t the Bengals have a website?

A: They can’t string three “W’s” together.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Football combines the two worst things about America: it is violence punctuated by committee meetings.” ~ George Will