As we come to the end of another year, allow me to wish you a very Happy New Year! Thank you for allowing me to share a little humor with you this past year and I hope you will allow me to continue to do so in 2022.
Enjoy!
As I wrapped up the last workday of 2021, I was feeling bad about the future, then I installed the new version of Office and it improved my Outlook.
So, The Past, Present, and Future all walk into a bar, things got pretty tense.
Did you know if you drink the fluid from a magic 8 ball you can see the future? Really, I read about a guy who did it once and he said he was going to die and then he did.
I was thinking today about a future where humanity has no choice but to leave earth. It was unsettling.
I am convinced that Highlighter pens will be very important in the future. Mark my words.
I read that glass coffins will be popular in future. Remains to be seen.
If I had a DeLorean, I do not think I would use it every day, I would probably only drive it from time to time.
If, in the future, a robot decided to avoid eliminating its target for as long as possible, would that be a Procrastinator?
A friend convinced me that one can use ketchup to tell the future. In Heinz-sight I should have known better.
I told my grandson that he should be a cement contractor. Now there is a field that has a solid future.
If you travel to the future and get decapitated there, would you be ahead of your time?
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
“The future ain’t what it used to be.” ~ Yogi Berra
Merry Christmas Eve! Wishing you and yours a very Merry Christmas!
Since this Friday is Christmas Eve, I thought I would dust this one off yet again. So, again, with apologies Clement Clarke Moore, here is my adaptation of his classic for the digital age.
Enjoy!
‘Twas the day before Christmas, when at my house
I was at the computer, moving the mouse;
It was time for another Friday Funny, does anyone care
If in the morning, the email inbox has a funny there?
Two of my boys were still nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of homemade cookies danced in their heads;
While mamma was working, I was off for the day,
It seemed like there was nothing funny for me to say,
When out on the Internet there arose such a clatter,
I sprang to my browser to see what was the matter.
Away to another window I flew like a flash,
Hoping as always that my computer would not crash.
The back-lighting of the monitor produced a glow
Which gave a slight luster to objects below,
As I wondered from web site to web site what should appear,
But a miniature sleigh jpg, complete with reindeer,
With a little driver icon, so lively and quick, I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.
More rapid than dsl downloads his cursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;
“Now, Yahoo! now, Google! now, Facebook and Amazon!
On, ebay! on youtube! on, myspace and ask.com!
To the top of the screen! to the top of the wall!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!”
As deleted lines that before the backspace button fly,
When they meet with a click, mount to the sky,
So up to the screen-top the cursers they flew,
With a file full of toys, and St. Nicholas too.
And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the speaker
The prancing and pawing of each little squeaker.
As I drew in my hand, and was scrolling around,
Downloading an mpeg, St. Nicholas came with a bound.
He was digitally dressed from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were photo-shopped with ashes and soot;
A bundle of toys he had superimposed on his back,
And he looked like a Trojan file just opening his pack.
His eyes — they pulsated! his dimples they grew!
His cheeks had roses painted on them, his nose was blue!
His droll little mouth transfigured to a bow,
And the beard of his chin turned into white snow;
His pipe was a tree stump he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke wafted up and became a green wreath;
He had a broad face and a little round belly,
That shook, when he laughed and turned into jelly.
He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;
Two winking eyes and a fast spinning head,
Soon gave me to know I had no virus to dread;
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
He backed up my hard drive; then turned with a jerk,
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the window he rose;
He sprang to his jpg, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, ere he deleted his cookie from sight,
“Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.”
At this time of the year, we are bombarded by holiday music. Some stations have had Christmas music nonstop since the end of November. Perhaps, like me, you find yourself singing along once in a while with one of your favorites. Perhaps certain songs bring back a special Christmas memory. Perhaps, by now, you have just become numb as all the songs have just blended into white noise in the background.
Yet, even though we cannot get away from the Holiday songs, do we really “hear” them? Even though we might sing along with the lyrics, do we really “know” them? One song comes to my mind today. It is a song that you hear occasionally this time of year, “I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day.”
These lyrics were written by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow on Christmas Day 1863. He wrote at a time that this country was torn by Civil War and just several weeks after his son had been severely wounded in the war. He wrote it not too long after he had lost his wife in an accidental fire. Mr. Wadsworth’s world was not full of candy canes and gum drops, it was full of hurt and pain just like the world that we live in. Yet, he did not let his gloom get the best of him, he struggled on until he could hear those “bells peal more loud and deep.” This Christmas Eve my wish to you is that you might hear “a voice, a chime, a chant sublime, Of peace on earth, good will to men.”
Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day Their old familiar carols play, And wild and sweet the words repeat Of peace on earth, good will to men.
I thought how, as the day had come, The belfries of all Christendom Had rolled along the unbroken song Of peace on earth, good will to men.
And in despair I bowed my head: “There is no peace on earth,” I said, “For hate is strong and mocks the song Of peace on earth, good will to men.”
Then pealed the bells more loud and deep: “God is not dead, nor doth he sleep; The wrong shall fail, the right prevail, With peace on earth, good will to men.”
Till, ringing singing, on its way, The world revolved from night to day, A voice, a chime, a chant sublime, Of peace on earth, good will to men!
Happy Friday! Christmas is fast approaching and 2021 is drawing to a close. This week I have some Christmas jokes wrapped up especially for you.
Enjoy!
Is it true that at sleepovers reindeer like to play truth or deer?
Is it true that the present Rudolph wants most for Christmas is a pony sleigh station?
Is it true that if you eat Christmas decorations you will get tinsel-it-is?
Is it true that to avoid Covid this Christmas you should wash your hands frequently with Santatizer?
Is it true that after the first two Wise Men presented their gifts, the third one said, “But wait, there’s myrrh?”
Is it true that Santa is good at karate and has a black belt to prove it?
Is it true that the Christmas tree went to the barber because it needed to be trimmed?
Is it true that Santa Claus got a parking ticket on Christmas Eve for leaving his sleigh in a snow parking zone?
Would you call a search engine that singes Christmas songs Michel Googlé?
If someone has lost their Christmas spirit should you try to nurse them back to elf?
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
“Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn’t before. What if Christmas, he thought, doesn’t come from a store. What if Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more.” ~ Dr. Seuss
There are some songs that pop up on the radio this time of year that I have heard my entire life and that I have absolutely no idea what the song is about. One, for instance, is “The Wassail Song.” To start with I had no idea what “wassail” is. According to the dictionary there are three meanings of wassail: 1) an early English toast to someone’s health (OK); 2) a hot drink that is made with wine, beer, or cider, spices, sugar, and usually baked apples and is traditionally served in a large bowl especially at Christmastime (yet the song says it is the neighborhood children who are out wassailing), and 3) riotous drinking or revelry (see comment on 2) above).
There was also an ancient rite of wassailing trees that was known in parts of England. According to one of these traditions, the men of the village would go out into the orchards carrying the wassail bowl (see 2) above), to alternately serenade and “browbeat” the apple trees. There were songs, dances and libations (for tree and man alike) until finally, in frustration, the trees would be threatened with the axe if they did not produce well in the coming year.
So, in essence a song about underage drinking and threatening violence against trees which are, by the way, the “kindest things I know, they do no harm, they simply grow.” Below are the complete lyrics for “The Wassail Song” I think next time it pops up on the radio, instead of singing along, I will change the station…..
Here we come a-wassailing Among the leaves so green; Here we come a-wand’ring So fair to be seen. Love and joy come to you, And to you your wassail too; And God bless you and send you a Happy New Year And God send you a Happy New Year.
Our wassail cup is made Of the rosemary tree, And so is your beer Of the best barley. Love and joy come to you, And to you your wassail too; And God bless you and send you a Happy New Year And God send you a Happy New Year.
We are not daily beggars That beg from door to door; But we are neighbours’ children, Whom you have seen before. Love and joy come to you, And to you your wassail too; And God bless you and send you a Happy New Year And God send you a Happy New Year.
Call up the butler of this house, Put on his golden ring. Let him bring us up a glass of beer, And better we shall sing. Love and joy come to you, And to you your wassail too; And God bless you and send you a Happy New Year And God send you a Happy New Year.
We have got a little purse Of stretching leather skin; We want a little of your money To line it well within. Love and joy come to you, And to you your wassail too; And God bless you and send you a Happy New Year And God send you a Happy New Year.
Bring us out a table And spread it with a cloth; Bring us out a mouldy cheese, And some of your Christmas loaf. Love and joy come to you, And to you your wassail too; And God bless you and send you a Happy New Year And God send you a Happy New Year.
God bless the master of this house Likewise the mistress too, And all the little children That round the table go. Love and joy come to you, And to you your wassail too; And God bless you and send you a Happy New Year And God send you a Happy New Year.
Good master and good mistress, While you’re sitting by the fire, Pray think of us poor children Who are wandering in the mire. Love and joy come to you, And to you your wassail too; And God bless you and send you a Happy New Year And God send you a Happy New Year.
Happy Friday!The holiday season is in full swing, so to get you pumped up for shopping, here are some Christmas shopping jokes wrapped up just for you.
Enjoy!
Here is a tip on how to save a lot of money on Christmas shopping – simply express your political views on Facebook.
The other day I told my Mom that Amazon is the best place for Christmas shopping. This morning she called me from Brazil.
I went into a toy store to do some early Christmas shopping and asked the assistant, “Where are the Arnold Schwarzenegger dolls?” He said, “Aisle B, back.”
My wife said to me that if I got her one more stupid gift this Christmas, she would burn it. So, I bought her a candle.
I was Christmas shopping for my granddaughter so I asked what she was liked and my wife told me she likes “anything Frozen”. So, I got her some popsicles and some pizza rolls.
Is it true that Captain Nemo does not get any Christmas presents because he is always on the Nautilus?
I just bought my wife an artificial leg for Christmas. It’s not her main present, just a stocking filler.
The only Christmas gift I got two years ago was a deck of sticky playing cards. I found that very hard to deal with.
The sweater my wife got me last Christmas kept picking up static electricity. I took it back to the store and exchanged it for another one free of charge.
Last Christmas, my wife bought me new beads for my abacus. It is the little things that count.
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
“Christmas is a necessity. There has to be at least one day of the year to remind us that we’re here for something else besides ourselves.” ~Eric Severeid
It it time again for my “Rudolph Rant.” I just have to get out my soap box and try to open your eyes to what is really going on in one of the specials that is prevalent on TV this time time of year.
Every year since 1964, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer airs on television this time of the year. It is one of four Christmas specials from the 1960’s that continue to make an annual yuletide appearance. The others are How the Grinch Stole Christmas and A Charlie Brown Christmas (two of my favorites) and Frosty the Snowman (one of my least favorites).
I would imagine that you have seen Rudolph, probably many, many times. But have you ever stopped to think much about this seemingly innocent story? For instance have you ever noticed how mean and unSanta-like Santa is? Have you noticed that Santa is portrayed as a self-centered, mean, impatient, old man. He is certainly not a “right jolly old elf” by any means in this story. Remember how all the Elves work long and hard on a song especially for Santa in their spare time? The joyful elves present their song to an obviously disinterested Santa who responds at the end with “it needs work, I have to go.” Perhaps Santa was preparing for a career as a judge on American Idol? Later as Mrs. Claus is trying to fatten him up for the big day he whines, “How can I eat? That silly Elf song is driving me crazy!”
Plus, if you think about it, Santa’s attitude toward Rudolph throughout the entire show is quite self-serving. While Santa is initially impressed with Rudolph’s performance during the reindeer games, once Rudolph’s fake nose falls off Santa quickly changes his tune and scolds Rudolf’s father while the other reindeer children mock Rudolph. Perhaps Santa needs #stopbullying. It is only at the end when Santa realizes that completing his job is dependent on exploiting Rudolf’s unique abilities that he sees any real value in Rudolph.
After all these years, I still do not understand the Island of Misfit Toys. Charlie in the Box is there because of his name? Currently on ebay you can buy a Sock Monkey in the Box, a Curious George in the Box, a Flipper in a Box, a Magic Dragon in the Box and a Sponge Bob Square Pants in the Box. There are more than 200 listings for a Charlie in a Box! So what is the issue here? I think it is his attitude the chip on his shoulder – not his name.
What about the train with square wheels on the caboose. Wasn’t Hermey a trained Elf? Don’t you think a trained Elf could have made some round wheels for the caboose? He probably could have helped the boat that sunk to be able to float as well. Why didn’t Hermey help the misfit toys? It seems to me that if Hermey really cared about the misfit toys, he could have helped a few of them out. And by the way, at the end, was it really a good idea to let Hermey practice dentistry in his spare time without any formal training? I wonder if he had any malpractice insurance?
Then there was the Dolly for Sue. What exactly was her problem? Apparently Arthur Rankin of Rankin-Bass has stated that Dolly had psychological issues caused by being abandoned by Sue. Well what kid wants a toy with psychological issues? Maybe they could market her as a doll that comes with her very own “baggage.” Perhaps she was a sister to the Talking Tina doll that made an appearance on an episode of The Twilight Zone.
Yukon Cornelius, would you let your young ones set off to the unknown with him as a guardian? What exactly was he teaching impressionable little ones? He throws his pick-axe into the snow, picks it up and licks it in hopes of finding silver or gold? What are the odds that would ever work? Plus it must be quite unsanitary and who would want to risk getting metal splinters on their tongue?
However, they saved the cruelest moment in the show for the end. It is supposed to be a feel good moment as Santa delivers the long forgotten misfit toys. Remember how an Elf comes out of Santa’s bag and starts giving each misfit toy a little umbrella as a parachute as he sends it to gently drift down to its new home? Next time you watch Rudolph pay close attention to the misfit bird. Remember the bird is a misfit because it can swim BUT IT CANNOT FLY. The Elf holds the umbrella in one hand and the bird in the other, then he pauses and lets go of the misfit swimming bird. He waves “bye-bye” as the “bird” free falls toward the earth. If Less Nessman was on the scene he would no doubt say the bird “hit the ground like a sack of wet cement.”
And all these years, you thought Rudolph was a nice, innocent, little story.
Thought for the Week
Like I said, the outside world is up to its ears in danger. ~ Sam the Snowman, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
Happy Friday! Happy December! It is hard to believe that we are in the last month of 2021. Besides the Holidays, December is also a time to review finances or at least a few financial jokes.
Enjoy!
Does Santa’s accountant have to value his sleigh at Net Present Value?
My financial advisor asked me “What’s your net worth?” I said “I don’t own a net.”
My financial adviser is so bad…when I went into her office and asked her to check my balance, she tried to push me over.
Financial studies can be difficult. Many people lose interest.
Never take financial advice from a chef – they like to whisk too much.
Is it true that the root cause of the financial system collapse in ancient Egypt was pyramid schemes?
It was very difficult to make a living as a composer in the 17th and 18th centuries – music was going through the Baroque era.
I visited a monastery and asked who handled the financial affairs – I was told “That’s nun of your business.”
I heard that in a cost cutting effort some banks are using trained insects to adjust customers’ balances – they’re the account ants
You know you are in bad shape when a hacker gets into your financials and he sets up a go fund me for you.’
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
The safe way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket. ~ Frank Hubbard
Leonard's Lines 