Monthly Archives: July 2019

Friday Funny July 26, 2019 Opportunity Awaits!

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Happy Friday! Can it really be the end of July already?  Time certainly does fly.

It seems like we are in a job seekers market these days with a lot of places advertising their job openings.  Perhaps you have thought it might just be time to seek a new opportunity.  Well, here are a few of the more interesting job ads that are making the round on the internet.

Enjoy!

SOME INTERESTING JOB ADS

Now Hiring. Must Have a Brain

Now Hiring – Must Have Clue

Wanted: Someone to grind or chew hay for horse with bad teeth

Wanted: Looking for someone do yard work. Must have hoolahoop

Wanted: Grape Stompers.  Must Have Good Balance and Large Feet. Skinny Folk need not apply.

Wanted: Somebody to go back in time with me. This is not a joke. You’ll get paid after we get back. Must bring your own weapons. Safety not guaranteed. I have only done this once before.

edtiors watned

Piano Player Wanted. Must have knowledge of opening clams.

Surgeon wanted for a new health clinic opening in the area. No experience needed. Must have own tools.

Waitress wanted. Must be 18 years old with 20 years’ experience.

Now hiring: cemetery superintendent. The ideal candidate must be able to supervise in a fast-paced environment.

Cab drivers wanted. Must have good driving & criminal record.

Now hiring cashier. Cannot look like Skeletor from He-Man.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form. ~Stanley J. Randall

http://WWW.QUOTEGARDEN.COM

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Friday Funny July 19, 2019 A Dose of Will Rogers

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Happy Friday!  As we come to the end of another week, it seems like a good time to reflect on some words of a wise man from a few years back.

Enjoy!

What the country needs is dirtier fingernails and cleaner minds.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

Rail splitting produced an immortal President in Abraham Lincoln; but golf, with 20 thousand courses, hasn’t produced even a good, A number-1 Congressman.

There is no credit to being a comedian, when you have the whole Government working for you. All you have to do is report the facts. I don’t even have to exaggerate.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

About all I can say for the United States Senate is that it opens with a prayer and closes with an investigation.

The more you observe politics, the more you’ve got to admit that each party is worse than the other.

Don’t let yesterday use up too much of today.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Rumor travels faster, but it don’t stay put as long as truth.

Be thankful we’re not getting all the government we’re paying for. 

Congress is so strange; a man gets up to speak and says nothing, nobody listens, and then everybody disagrees. 

Never blame a legislative body for not doing something. When they do nothing, they don’t hurt anybody. When they do something is when they become dangerous. 

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.” ~John Quinton

http://WWW.QUOTEGAREDEN.COM

Friday Funny July 12, 2019 Computer Viruses

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Happy Friday! I hope you have had a good week. I heard today about a nasty computer virus that was going around. I did a little research and found that there are quite a few computer viruses making the rounds and I wanted to share these with you in the hope that you can avoid them.

Enjoy!

Adam and Eve virus: Takes a few bytes out of your Apple.

Star Trek virus: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before. 

Health Insurance virus: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.

C-nile virus – It makes your computer forget where it put your files.

Arnold Schwarzenegger virus – Terminates and stays resident. It’ll be back!

Couch Potato Virus – Just sits there, eating computer chips all day. 

Disney virus – Everything on the computer looks Goofy.

Economist virus – Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

Airline virus: You’re in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore. 

Paul Revere virus – Warns you of impending hard disk attack- Once, if by LAN; twice if by C. 

PBS virus – Your computer stops every fifteen minutes to ask for a tax deductible contribution.

Politically Correct virus – Never calls itself a “virus,” but instead refers to itself as an “independent electronic micro-organism.”

Survivor Virus – Deletes your files one by one over 13 weeks until only the most annoying one remains. 

Congressional Virus: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

Elvis virus: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy and then self destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

Michael Jackson virus: Hard to identify because it is constantly altering its appearance. 

KFC virus: makes your computer kick the bucket.

Joke Virus – poses as a harmless list of funny computer Virus names. Is quickly passed from one user to all other users via e-mail, consequently consuming all known network resources. Types of computer viruses

Thought for the Week

“Computers are like air conditioners. They work fine until you start opening windows.“~Anonymous

Friday Funny July 5, 2019 All American Jokes

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Happy Friday!  Hope you were able to enjoy the 4th!  I may be a day late but here are some All American jokes to celebrate with.

Enjoy!

If you crossed Captain America with the Incredible Hulk would you get the Star-Spangled Banner?

If you crossed George Washington with cattle feed would you get the Fodder of Our Country!

If you crossed a dinosaur and a firecracker would you get dino-mite?

Would you call a duck that says “bang” a firequacker?

On July 5th do people eat Independence Day-Old-Pizza?

Are there no Knock Knock jokes about America because freedom rings?

What’s red, white, black and blue? Uncle Sam falling down the stairs.

Why did Paul Revere ride his horse from Boston to Lexington? Because the horse was too heavy to carry.

I saw a news story about a battery and a firework that were arrested. They charged one, and let the other one off.

The United States is a free country where every man can do as his wife pleases. 

Thought for the Week

“I like to see a man proud of the place in which he lives.  I like to see a man live so that his place will be proud of him.”  – Abraham Lincoln