Monthly Archives: March 2015

A Sure Sign that Society is in Decay

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tooth brush

Perhaps this is just the latest sign that we live in a society in decay.  I saw a story a week or so ago about a mother and son in Florida who were arrested for stealing more than $100,000 worth of toothbrushes throughout Central Florida.  Apparently they would steal electronic toothbrushes worth more than $100 each and visit other stores to buy replacement heads. They would then alter receipts to make it appear they had also bought the toothbrushes and then return the toothbrushes for the purchase price. These two had this process down and knew the drill.  They tried to explain their actions, but their story was full of holes.  The story stated that these folks were not yet represented by legal counsel, I guess they could not afford a retainer.  I also believe that the arresting officer is in line for a little plaque.

At first I thought this sounded like a novel avenue of theft, but brace yourself, because after I drilled down a little more, I discovered that there is an apparent epidemic of toothbrush theft.  While the above mother and son team receive the crown for stealing the most toothbrushes, they have plenty of company.  There was a story of a Seattle area woman who was arrested in connection with the theft of three electric toothbrushes, an alleged serial toothbrush thief in the North Penn area, and a  Providence man who allegedly stole $1,300 worth of electronic toothbrushes.  We can only hope that the criminal justice system will implant a better sense of right and wrong on these folks and that they will learn from their brush with the law.

I guess these stories just hit a nerve with me.  I’ll fill you in when I hear more.

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Friday Punny March 27, 2015

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lgs

 

Happy Friday!  Hoping that things are starting to green up in your corner of the world. Here is a baker’s dozen of puns to kick off your weekend.

Enjoy!

I couldn’t understand how my seat belt worked. Then it clicked.

Never trust atoms, they make up everything.

I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory.  All I did was take a day off.

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth, then it just becomes a soap opera.

How does Moses make his coffee?  He-brews it.

Why does Peter Pan always fly? Because he Neverlands.

Plateaus are the highest form of flattery.

If Apple made a car, would it have Windows?

What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say when he was told he had to upgrade to Windows 7? “I still love Vista, baby.”

A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter. How dairy.

A new type of broom came out, it is sweeping the nation.

I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.

The magician got so mad he pulled his hare out.

Thought for the Week

“A pun is the lowest form of humor – when you don’t think of it first.” ~ Oscar Levant

Friday Funny March 20, 2015 March Madness

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Happy Friday and Happy March Madness! Here a few basketball jokes to help you get your game on.

Enjoy!

Q: How many NCAA basketball players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one. But he gets money, a car, and three credit hours for it.

Q: Why are basketball players messy eaters?
A: They’re always dribbling.

Q: Why was the basketball player sitting on the sideline sketching a picture of a chicken?                                                                                                                                                         A: He was learning to draw fowls.

Q. What is a cheerleader’s favorite color?                                                                                           A: Yeller!

Q:What do cheerleaders drink before they go to a basketball game?                                        A: Root beer!

“He’s great on the court,” a sportswriter said of a college basketball player in an interview with his coach. “But’s how’s his scholastic work?” “Why, he makes straight A’s,” replied the coach. “Wonderful!” said the sportswriter. “Yes,” agreed the coach, “however, his B’s are a little crooked.”

Hanging in the hallway of the college arena were the basketball team pictures from the past 40 years. A player in the center of the front row in each picture holds a basketball identifying the year — “95-96,” “96-97” “97-98,” etc. One day a freshman was looking curiously at the photos and remarked, “Isn’t it strange how the teams always lost by just one point?”

Thought for the Week

“I’ve always felt that, you know, the Almighty has a lot of things to do other than help my basketball team.” ~ Bobby Knight
http://www.brainyquote.com

 

Straighten Up and Fly Right

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airplane9

I am a very infrequent flier.  In fact it has been a few years since I last boarded a plane.  Yet, today, I found myself looking to book a flight to Chicago in a couple of months.  I was quickly struck by the complete absence of logic in air fares.  I suppose I should have expected this because in the past I have saved money by taking a flight from Dayton, Ohio with a connection in Cincinnati because it was cheaper than just boarding in Cincinnati and I never quite understood that.

So, today I found that I could fly from Cincinnati to Chicago for $361 or from Dayton to Chicago for $355, not much difference in cost and the distance is about three hundred miles either way.  But here is where it gets weird.  I could save over fifty dollars if I took a flight that had a connection……in Atlanta!  So, I can travel approximately five hundred miles from Dayton to Atlanta and then seven hundred miles from Atlanta to Chicago and it is cheaper?  I am trying to figure  out how the airline makes money by charging less for me to fly four times the miles.

I wonder if I could reduce the cost even further by flying from Dayton to Los Angeles and then to Chicago or maybe to Honolulu first?  Perhaps if I go to Chicago by way of Sydney, Australia they will have to pay me!  

Friday Funny March 13, 2015

1 Reply

lgs

Happy Friday!  I certainly hope you do not suffer from paraskevidekatriaphobia.  No, that is not the fear of parakeets; that is the fear of Friday the 13th.  Here are a couple of jokes to get your day off to a lucky start.

Enjoy!

IF IT WEREN’T FOR BAD LUCK…

A old sailor was out walking on the dock one day when he met a former ship mate of his. They had not seen each other for many years so they had much to talk about and many old memories to renew.

After some time, one said to the other, “if you don’t mind my saying so, you don’t look very good, you must have experienced some bad luck.”

“Yes,” the other one said, “I have. You see this peg leg? Well, one day I was out on deck and me leg got all tangled up in a loose line and it was so badly mangled that they had to take it off at the knee.”

His friend agreed that was bad luck. The other one continued, “You see I have a hook for a hand. One day I was out on deck when a shipmate of mine fell overboard. I leaned over as far as I could in an attempt to rescue him and as I extended my hand to him a shark took me hand off.”

“My you really did experience bad luck,” the other responded, “I see you have a patch over one eye, What happened to your eye?”

“Well, I was out on deck again one day and just as I looked up, a seagull that was flying over, unloaded, and got me right in the eye.”

“And that took your eye out?”

“No, that was me first day with the hook.”

BEEN THERE THROUGH THICK AND THIN

A woman’s husband had been in a very serious accident and had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she faithfully stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, he finally regained consciousness, as he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he said, “You know what? You have been with me all these years through the good times and the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side… You know what?”

“What dear?” She asked gently.

“I think you bring me bad luck.”

Thought for the Week

Luck is the by-product of busting your fanny.  ~Don Sutton

http://www.quotegarden.com

You Always Remember Your First Car

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05-07-2011 12;18;44PM

There are many great firsts in life. First steps, first words, first day of school, first job, first love, first kiss and, of course, first car.  I can recall anxiously waiting to turn sixteen so that I could get my license and drive.  Driving was more than a rite of passage, it was a ticket to a whole new world: a world of mobility and freedom.  I imagine that you can remember your first car, you can probably picture it in your mind right now – right down to the scratches and dents that gave it character.  Your first car might have been sporty and new or perhaps it was just an old clunker, either way it probably holds special memories and a special place in your life.

My first car was not new and it was definitely not sporty.  My first car was a 1968 Plymouth Fury III. It was a rather unique shade of red that some might call “candy-apple red” but that I always referred to as “dried-blood red.” It had a black vinyl roof, fender skits, and a Chrysler 318 V-8 engine. Yes, it was quite a boat. I often joked that I thought it could have been used as a camper –  possibly sleeping one in the front seat, one in the back seat, two in the truck and two under the hood, one on either side of the engine. I enhanced the technology of the vehicle when I bought an FM converter so I could listen to radio with “no static at all.” That car was neither sleek nor pretty, but it was quite dependable and it was my ticket to freedom. My Dad bought it used in 1976 when it had some sixty thousand miles on it.  I drove it to high school, I drove it to college, I drove it to Canada.  It helped move me to Texas and then to Alabama.  I drove that car for ten years and nearly doubled the miles on the odometer, but in the summer of 1986 it was time to part with it and move onto something newer.  I do, however, still have a Texas title as a memento.   Since then I have had several other cars, some new, some used. But that Fury was my first and will always hold a special place for me.

Friday Funny March 6, 2015 Wedded Bliss

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beautiful-pic-of-wedding-ring-with-high-resolution-gold-wedding-rings-free-stock-photo

Happy Friday!  Happy March!!  Believe or not spring is only 15 days away!!!

This Friday is not just any day, it is my wedding anniversary.  So, this Friday here are some marriage-themed jokes chosen especially for you.

Enjoy!

My wife says that she does not know where she would be without me, she has, however, said she would like to go there for a visit sometime.

The other day I asked my wife, “What do you love most about me; my tremendous athletic ability or my superior intellect?” Here response was that she loved my great sense of humor.

A few weeks ago my wife and I were out at the mall and passed one those scales were you drop in a quarter and it tells your fortune as well as your weight.  I dropped in a quarter and read the small, white card that popped out. I showed my wife. “Look at this! It says I’m energetic, bright, resourceful and a great lover.” “Yeah,” she nodded, “and it has your weight wrong, too.”

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really finished.

Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor’s degree and the woman gets her master’s.

A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” And the father replied, “I don’t know, son, I’m still paying for it.”

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car or the wife is new.

A perfect wife is one who helps the husband with the dishes.

During a fight, a husband threw a bowl of Jello at his wife. She had him arrested for carrying a congealed weapon.

One day a man who had been married for many years was looking for something in the closet when he stumbled upon a shoe box in the closet.  Upon opening it, he was quite surprised to find 2 doilies and $85,000 in cash.  Quite confused, he asked his wife if the box was hers.  She confirmed that it was and he asked what the contents meant.  She explained “when we got married my mother told me that every time I got upset with you, I should crochet a doily.” Well the old gentleman was quite touched thinking that over all the years of their marriage she had only been mad twice.  He wiped a small tear from his eye and asked what the $85,000 came from.  “Oh that,” she replied,”..that’s the money I’ve made over the years from selling doilies.”

Thought for the Week

Chains do not hold a marriage together. It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads which sew people together through the years. ~Simone Signoret

http://www.quotegarden.com

And In Today’s Forecast There Is A One Hundred Percent Chance of Weather

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weather-clip-art-inclement_weather_Clip_Art

 

Although the calendar says March, there is still snow on the ground and the forecast says that there will be several more inches of snow tomorrow.  So, once again everyone is tasked with running to the grocery and buying milk, bread and eggs in case they get stranded inside for six hours or so during the day.  (Apparently the onset of snow causes most people to have an insatiable  appetite for french toast, this is another mystery for another day.)

But as I sit here pondering my plans for tomorrow I think about all the freezing rain that was in today’s forecast that did not happen.  I think about the major snowstorms in December and January that did not happen.  I think about the temperature forecast that have been off by more than twenty degrees and I wonder if it will really snow tomorrow.

I remember reading an article in the local paper last fall that really went out on a limb by predicting that this winter the temperature would be “above normal, below normal, or close to normal.”   I am certain that took a lot of work and professional judgement and I will admit they nailed that one.  Of course I understand that Mother Nature is temperamental and unpredictable.  I know that weather forecasting is as much an art as a science, but it seems like the artwork has been pretty ugly lately!   

From the exhaustive research I have conducted on the internet over the last five minutes, it appears that weather predictions, like all predictions, become less reliable over time.  You can place a little more faith in what you local weather person says the weather will be tomorrow that what he says it will be on Sunday.  This reminded me of the weatherman on Channel 2 in Dayton, Ohio in the 70’s.  The two most memorable things I recall about him were that 1) he had one of the best names for a weatherman, Dewey Hopper and 2) his very short-term forecasts were always right because instead of being in the studio, he did the weather outside in the parking lot so he could tell you if it was raining at the moment.

So, here is my long-term forecast:  there will be a gradual warming trend as the days grow longer until the latter part of June.  There will be intermittent sunshine mixed with rain and the occasional possibility of severe weather.