Monthly Archives: June 2018

Friday Funny June 29, 2018 Grilling Time

Happy Friday!  Next Wednesday is the Fourth of July. The 4th brings fireworks, family gatherings and gill outs.  So, let’s celebrate with thankful hearts for the blessings and freedom that we enjoy each and every day. And be safe out there around the grill this weekend!

Enjoy!

July 4 brings family gatherings and picnics – if there are family gatherings and picnics there will most likely be some grilling of hamburgers, hot dogs, chicken, ribs, maybe even steak!

Ever since mankind discovered fire, man has enjoyed a good cookout. But from ancient times to the present day one of the largest obstacles to grilling was lighting the fire and getting the coals ready for cooking. Have you ever lit the grill and waited and waited and waited only to go back expecting nice red, hot coals yet finding only cold, black coals because the coals just did not catch fire?

Over the course of human history, many great minds have worked on inventions and improvements to help us reduce that long period of waiting for the charcoal to get hot. We used to have to get the bag of charcoal and the can of lighter fluid out then you would arrange the coals, pour the lighter fluid, light the fire (trying not to scorch your eyebrows) and wait and wait and wait. Then you would add more lighter fluid, light the fire again (trying not to get engulfed in the fireball) and wait and wait and wait some more.

The next improvement came where you could purchase charcoal that had been pre-soaked in lighter fluid.  Now you could skip the can of lighter fluid and just put a match to the coals and wait and wait and wait some more.  Then when you returned and found the cold, black coals you would go digging through the garage to find the rusty can of lighter fluid, pour the lighter fluid on the coals, light the fire (trying not to scorch your eyebrows) and wait and wait yet again.

Then came the small bags that you simply put in the grill, put the match to the paper bag and waited and waited.  This  usually resulted in a trip to rummage around again for the old can of lighter fluid, pouring the lighter fluid on the cold, black coals, striking a match (trying not to scorch your eyebrows) and waiting and waiting again.

Many people have opted for gas grills for the ease of lighting, the quick warm-up time and to avoid having scorched eyebrows. Never fear, the engineers at Purdue University have made quantum leaps in the science of grill lighting. They have put their quantitative brains to work on how to speed up this process. The first thought was to blow on the charcoal with a hair dryer to speed things along. The next thought was that if a hair dryer was good, maybe a vacuum cleaner would be even better. Then as their “Tim the Toolman Taylor” thinking took over they moved onto a propane torch then an acetylene torch. Still not satisfied, they moved onto compressed oxygen and finally to liquid oxygen. Yes the stuff that is 295 degrees below zero and is the form of oxygen used as rocket fuel. This produces a 10,000 degree fireball that can have those coals ready for the burgers in a mere three seconds. So, if things are running a little late on the grill this week, just run to the local hardware store to grab a little liquid oxygen and you’ll be grilling in no time. Your eyebrows can always grow back later!

What do you get if you cut two legs off a cow?…………….lean beef!

What do you get if you cut four things off a cow?…………ground beef!

Thought for the Week

“You have to love a nation that celebrates its independence every July 4, not with a parade of guns, tanks, and soldiers who file by the White House in a show of strength and muscle, but with family picnics where kids throw Frisbees, the potato salad gets iffy, and the flies die from happiness. You may think you have overeaten, but it is patriotism.” ~Erma Bombeck

http://www.quotegarden.com

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Friday Funny June 22, 2018 Tom Swifties

Happy Friday and Happy Summer!  Wishing you a great first weekend of summer.  This week, I dug up some Tom Swifties, a type of pun.

Enjoy!

“I’m in the hospital waiting room” said Tom, precariously.

“Send the telegram again,” Tom said with remorse.

“I’m the fastest car on the freeway,” Tom said in passing.

“I can’t believe I ate that whole pineapple!” Tom said, Dolefully.

“I won’t let a flat tire get me down,” Tom said, without despair.

“I’ve been on a diet,” Tom expounded.

“I’ll have to dig another ditch around that castle,” Tom sighed, remotely.            

“My fortune cookie has no paper in it,” Tom said unfortunately.

“I like modern painting,” said Tom abstractly.

“Elvis is dead,” said Tom expressly.

Thought for the Week

Ah, summer, what power you have to make us suffer and like it. ~Russel Baker

http://www.quotegarden.com

Friday Funny June 15, 2018 Planting Some Jokes for Your Weekend.

Happy Friday!  We are in the final days of spring and everything is green!  So, here is a little gardening humor to kick off your weekend.

Enjoy!

The guy that trimmed my trees did such a good job that I told him he should take a bough.

I just purchased the newest weed-whacker, I hear it is really cutting edge technology.

I was going to do some plant experiments in my garden until I realized I hadn’t botany.

Everything I know about gardening I have learned from trowel and error.

Organic gardeners till it like it is.

Did the tomato try to court the corn by whispering sweet nothings in her ear?

The farmer was trying to tell me jokes, but they were just too corny.

Did you Hear about the farmer that quit because his celery wasn’t enough?

Would you call a cow eating grass in your yard a lawn moo-er?

After a pig eats watermelon, do you have pork rinds?

Thought for the Week

“Remember that children, marriages, and flower gardens reflect the kind of care they get.”  ~ H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

Friday Funny June 8, 2018 Friday Punnies

Happy Friday! Congratulations on the completion of another week.  Take a deep breath and have a good weekend.

Enjoy!

Did you hear about that cheese factory that exploded in France? There was nothing left but de Brie.

I asked a Frenchman if he played video games. He said Wii.

Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar, now you can’t tell me that’s just a coincidence.

I heard that Apple is designing a new automatic car but they are having trouble installing Windows.

I just found out that I am colorblind, that news really hit me out of the green.

I was thinking about singing karaoke with a friend.  I decided it was time to quit stalling and just duet.

Is it by shear coincidence that all sheep look-alike?

I think every morning that I am going to make pancakes, but I keep waffling.

Did you hear the one about the untalented gymnast that walks into a bar?

Jokes about giant squids are kraken me up.

Make apocalypse jokes like there is no tomorrow.

Thought for the Week

Every day may not be good, but there’s something good in every day. ~Author Unknown

http://www.quotegarden.com