Monthly Archives: September 2019

Friday Funny Septermber 27, 2019 A Quick and Easy Quiz

Happy Friday and Happy Fall!  Let’s kick off this Friday with some mental calisthenics.

Enjoy!

Ten quick questions to get your brain working and kick start your Friday.  You should be able to answer these quickly. No pencil or paper required! Time to prove that you are the sharpest pencil in the box!  Good Luck!

First Question:  If you spell “sit in the tub” s-o-a-k, and you spell “a funny story” j-o-k-e, how do you spell “the white of an egg”?

 

a-l-b-u-m-e-n or e-g-g w-h-i-t-e – hopefully this question did not leave you with y-o-k-e on your face. Get back on track with number two! 

 

Second Question: You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?

 

If your answer is that you are first, that would be incorrect. If you overtake the second person, you are now in second place!  Maybe you should get some more coffee before going further.

 

Third Question: What word would you use to describe a man who does not have all his fingers on one hand?

 

Given that people usually have half their fingers on each hand, I think normal would be a good word,

 

Fourth Question: Before Mount Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?

 

Wouldn’t Mount Everest still have been the highest mountain in the world even though it had not been discovered?

 

Fifth Question: How much dirt is there in a hole three feet deep, six feet long and four feet wide?

 

If there was any dirt in it, would it still be a hole?  The good news is that you have halfway through.

 

SIXTH QUESTION: You are participating in a race. If you overtake the last person, what place are you in?

 

If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. How can you overtake the LAST person? Perhaps your brain has started the weekend a little early this week?

 

Seventh Question: If you have twelve fish and half of them drown, how many remain?

 

Twelve – they are FISH – how could they drown??

 

Eighth Question:  Math alert!!  Do this in your head!  Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator.  

Take 1000 and add 40 to it.

Now add another 1000.

Now add 30.

Add another 1000.

Now add 20.

Now add another 1000.

Now add 10.

What is the total?

 

Did you get 5000? That is nice and incorrect! The correct answer is actually 4100. Do not take my word for it – get that calculator out and check.  Two more to go – finish strong! 

 

Ninth Question: If an electric train is moving north at 80 mph and the wind is blowing to the west at a steady 15 mph, which direction does the smoke blow?

 

Given that it is an ELECTRIC train, there will be no smoke.  One more chance.

 

Tenth and Last Question: Mary’s father has five daughters: Nana, Nene, Nini, Nono.  What is the name of the fifth daughter?

 

Nunu? Nana? Nene? NO! NO! NO! The fifth daughter’s name
is Mary. Read the question again.

Now that your brain is limbered up and ready to go – have a great weekend!

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

A man with one watch knows what time it is; a man with two watches is never quite sure. ~Author unknown

Friday Funny September 20, 2019 Garage Sale-ing

Happy Friday! As the end of summer draws near, it is a great time to get rid of some of that stuff that has been taking up space in the basement (and magically growing!) by having a garage sale. (My wife has planned for this weekend.) After a garage sales way back in 1990, I started thinking, always a questionable activity for me, I put my thoughts into words and even managed to have it published in the local newspaper in Evansville where I worked at the time.  I did manage to make the front page of the same paper doing a lizard impersonation but that is a story for another day.  This week I have dusted off the garage sale piece just for you..

Enjoy!

Garage Sale-ing

Along with the warm evenings, cookouts and baseball games, summer brings garage sale-ing.

The object of the garage sale is to try to get someone else to actually give you money for the junk that you are ready to throw away. You go through the boxes that have been collecting dust and feeding moths for the last five years and you display it in the garage, or on the porch, or in the yard in hopes that someone will happen by who actually wants it.

I have been to a few garage sales and I have actually found a few good deals, but recently we decided to have our own sale. Believe me, there is a big difference between going to a garage sale and holding your own.

The process of determining what treasures would actually be offered provided some interesting discussion between my wife, who does not find sentimental value of much use, hence was willing to sell our wedding album, and myself, a packrat who can find a reason for keeping my third grade spelling test. But, with give and take, we survived the process (I gave and she took it).

One of the essential ingredients for a successful garage sale is the classified ad. In the ad, you put all the vital information: any special items you have, your address and the times for the sale. It is important to put the time in so that people will know to come two hours early and get you out of bed to allow them to have first shot at the treasures you’re willing to part with. I’m concerned about people who have nothing better to do than go to garage sales at 5:30 in the morning.

Now you’re outside, half-awake, half-dressed and still waiting for your first cup of coffee. The fun begins! People you do not even know, total strangers seeking bargains from your outdoor bonanza, pull up, get out of the car and start rummaging through your personal belonging. I would have never thought that this could happen in America.

They look at your clothes, your furniture, your comic books you’ve taken care of for twenty years, and haggle over the price. It is like they are judging every detail of your life. The articles people purchase are interesting.

Generally you can sell anything that is broken: small appliances, toys, lawn mowers, you name it. But if it is in good condition, they will be skeptical. Clothes tend to do well. Someone will come who is three times your size, hold up your clothes to see if they fit and still buy them. People will pour over items searching diligently for any type of break or imperfection before they are willing to invest one dollar in a picture frame you paid $10 for, but never used. The sale can be a dangerous time for small children. Every time they venture out of the house, someone will grab a toy out of their little hand and offer you 50 cents.

And the day drags on. You fight off the hot sun; you fight off the bugs and at times you fight off your customers. You watch people trample your flowers and listen to them complain about your prices. You see them carry off a piece of your life.

When it is all over, you count up your money, subtract the price of the ad, divide by the number of hours worked, and you realize you made about 37 cents an hour for all the effort. Yet, you’re proud to be a part of the free enterprise system. The sale is over and a lot of your junk is gone, probably destined to show up at someone else’s garage sale in the future.

In a strange way, I even enjoyed it. I realized I can part with a few things and survive and just maybe some of that junk might actually do someone else some good. My wife even let me keep our wedding album, but I had to buy it at the garage sale.

Happy Sale-ing!

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Ashes to ashes.  Garage sale to garage sale.” ~ John Green

Friday Funny September 13, 2019 A Double Dose of Humor

Ha

Happy Friday the 13th!  Let’s kick the day off with a pair of jokes.

Enjoy!

I recently came across a rather interesting insight into the life and trials of Mahatma Ghandi.  As I am sue you are aware, Ghandi was widely recognized as a political and spiritual leader in India and around the world. 

Much of his travel was done very simply by walking barefoot.  All the walking resulted in very think and hard skin on the soles of his feet,  He also went on many hunger strikes during his life to protest the conditions of his people.  These repeated hunger strikes took a toll on his health to the point that he became quite thin and frail. Furthermore, due to his strict diet, he wound up with very bad breath.

So, all this leads us to conclude a little known fact that Ghandi became a super-calloused fragile mystic vexed by halitosis!, (Don’t you feel better for knowing that?)

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Our recent vacation included some air travel and we all know what an ordeal air travel can be.  While we were making our way through the TSA checkpoints at CVG we were behind an individual who turned out to be a public school teacher.  As his bag was being examined they noticed that included in his carry-on bag was a compass, a protractor, and a graphing calculator.  This caused a lot of concern for the TSA agents.  Several of them took him aside and began to question him.  It appears that they suspected that he might be a member of the notorious Al-Gebra group.  I heard they were planning on charging hi with trying to transport weapons of math instruction.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“If God had really intended men to fly, he’d make it easier to get to the airport.”  ~George Winters

http://WWW.QUOTEGARDEN.COM

Friday Funny September 6, 2019 Mindset of the Class of 2023

Happy September!  Labor Day has come and gone.  The days are getting a little shorter, a little cooler and school is back in session.  Which means it is time once again to be reminded of old I am getting, It is time for the annual “Mindset List” that notes events that have shaped the incoming freshman class, the class of 2023.  The list has a new home this year with Marist College and the full list can be found at   https://www.marist.edu/mindset-list. Most of the incoming freshman this year were born in 2001 which right there makes me feel old, these kids were not even born in the same millennium that I was.  I took a tour through the list and here are my twenty favorite items.

Enjoy!

  • Like Pearl Harbor for their grandparents, and the Kennedy assassination for their parents, 9/11 is an historical event. 
  • Thumb, jump, and USB flash drives have always pushed floppy disks further into history.
  • The primary use of a phone has always been to take pictures.
  • The Tech Big Four–Apple, Facebook, Amazon and Google — are to them what the Big Three automakers were to their grandparents.
  • They have outlived iTunes.
  • The Mars Odyssey has always been checking out the water supply for their future visits to Mars.
  • Snapchat has become their social media app of choice, thus relieving them of the dilemma of whether or not to friend Mom.    
  • PayPal has always been an online option for purchasers.
  • Segways have always been trying to revolutionize the way people move. 
  • Apple iPods have always been nostalgic.
  • Quarterback Troy Aikman has always called the plays live from the press booth.
  • Except for when he celebrated Jeopardy’s 35th anniversary, Alex Trebek has never had a mustache.
  • They have grown up with Big Data and ubiquitous algorithms that know what they want before they do.
  • Most of them will rent, not buy, their textbooks. 
  • Their grandparents’ classic comics have evolved into graphic novels.
  • Pittsburgh’s Steelers and Pirates have never played at Three Rivers Stadium.
  • Blackboards have never been dumb.
  • Cal Ripken, Jr., has always been retired.
  • Teams have always been engaged in an Amazing Race around the world.  
  • Coke and Pepsi have always been competing in the sports hydration science marketplace.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Children must be taught how to think, not what to think.” ~ Margaret Mead