Monthly Archives: June 2014

Friday Funny June 27, 2014 A Sad Bunny Tale with a Hoppy Ending

llINESPHOTO

 

A woman was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. She quickly swerved in an effort to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped right in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive lady as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the unfortunate rabbit.

Much to her dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful she began to
cry.

Another woman driving down the highway saw the first woman crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the lady what was wrong.

“I feel terrible,” she explained. “I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it,” she sobbed.

The second woman told the first woman not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk and pulled out an aerosol spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Suddenly and miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road.

Fifty yards away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, then it hopped down the road another fifty yards, turned, waved, and hopped another fifty yards.

The first woman was astonished. She couldn’t understand what substance could be in the woman’s spray can that could have such an impact. She ran over to the second woman and asked, “What was in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?”

The second woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said:

” ‘Hare Spray’ Restores Life to Dead Hare…Adds Permanent Wave.”

Thought for the Week

I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals. ~Winston Churchill

 

Not Quite So Rough

05-07-2011 12;18;44PM

My grandfather was born in the 1890’s, he served in World War I, and he could tell stories of living on the farm with no electricity, no plumbing, no cars. My father was born in the early 1920’s, he served in World War II, and he could tell stories of living on the farm, no electricity, no plumbing, no cars. They could also tell fantastic stories of living in the farmhouse – of how the rain sounded when it would hit the tin roof in the summer and of waking up with frost on their noses and snow on their bed in the winter. They could tell stories of the depression and it’s aftermath;  of the sacrifices needed to win two world wars.

I was born at end of the 1950’s and I am not sure what stories I have to tell my grandchildren about how hard it was when I was growing up.  I guess I could mention that I did actually walk to school from kindergarten through eighth grade, but it was only across the street.  So what can I say? “Let me tell you about life growing up in the 1960’s. We only had one television and it was black and white plus we only had three stations to choose from and get this young fella – when we wanted to change the station – why we had to get up off the couch and walk all the way across the room and actually turn a knob on the TV!  And we didn’t have no fancy microwave ovens – we had to actually turn on the stove if you wanted to cook something. In summer, when it was hot, we opened a window and maybe plugged in a fan to help cool down. I went to schools that didn’t have air conditioning and when we did math all we had to use was pencil and paper.”

Yet, as bad as I have it in the life was not so rough department, what stories will my children have to tell their grandchildren? “Why I remember back at the end of the twentieth century, 3-D TV had not even been invented, that was even before HDTV, our TV only had 150 TV stations and we didn’t even have a TiVo in every room. I can remember when we had to use something called “dial up” to get on the internet, we had to use a phone LINE.  You probably won’t believe this, but there was an actual line that went right into your house in order to use the phone. Why I can even remember Super Nintendo and Playstation 1 and sometimes we had to play on a screen that was less that thirty-six inches across! Cell phones?  I didn’t even get my own phone until I was sixteen!  Yes, we had it rough, if we wanted to listen to music we had to use something called a Compact Disc, where the music was actually put onto a little disc and you had to carry the disc around and put it in a player to listen to it, you see way back in the last millennium, there were no digital downloads, yep we had it rough.”

Don’t you envy our parents and grandparents? They had it easy when it came to telling stories about having it rough.

Friday Funny June 20, 2014 T-Shirt Philosophy

llINESPHOTO

Happy Friday!  Here are some tidbits of wisdom to get your weekend off to a quick start.

Enjoy!

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I’m not cheap, but I am on special this week!

I once had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Mental backup in progress – Do Not Disturb!

Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

When everything’s coming your way, you’re probably in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don’t have film. (In my case, nothing ever develops!)

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor. 

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Corduroy pillows: They’re making headlines!

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

I would play more golf, but I always have trouble getting by the windmill.

I had a blind date once, but her dog wouldn’t get in the car.

I was engaged to a girl with a wooden leg, but I got mad and broke it off.

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Thought for the Week

Only Robinson Crusoe had everything done by Friday. ~Author Unknown

We All Scream for Ice Cream!

 

Shearer

The official start of summer is only a few days away.  The warmer and longer have many looking to cool off with a couple of dips of ice cream. (Hot or cold, I am always ready for some ice cream!)  For much of my childhood I pretty much stuck with the basics of vanilla, chocolate and strawberry.  You might be surprised to know that with all the various and sundry flavors out there, vanilla, chocolate and strawberry still account for approximately 70% of ice cream sales .

However, when I was in high school my eyes, or should I say my taste buds, were opened to the almost limitless combinations that can be made with the various flavors and toppings that can be found at an ice cream parlor.  My horizons were widened when I began working at Sherer’s Ice Cream in Dayton, Ohio. (When it comes to dipping ice cream at my house, I still take the scoop and say, “Stand back, I’m a professional, let me handle this.” I soon learned the joy of flavors like root beer float, peppermint, strawberry cheesecake, eggnog, pumpkin, coffee and most of the other 36 flavors that were available.

Around that same time Baskin Robbins came out with a couple of seasonal flavors I really liked, baseball nut and banana bunt – maybe I just liked them for the baseball references. Baseball Nut was vanilla ice cream swirled with a black raspberry ribbon and crunchy cashews. Banana Bunt was a banana flavor with peanuts if I recall correctly.

However, even I had to draw the line somewhere and I drew it at rum raisin and fruit salad, two of Mr. Sherer less favorite concoctions.  Yet, even these sound “normal” compared to some that have made the rounds in recent years. So, if you want to get your licks on the wild side, here are a few flavors you can find right here in the good ‘ole USA.

• French Toast-with bits of French toast and maple, the breakfast of champions?
• Buttered Popcorn – a flavor with butter pecan and caramel popcorn – perfect for movie night.
• Strawberry Basil – what compels one to put herbs in ice cream?
• Firehouse 31- think Atomic Fireball ice cream.
• Creole Cream Cheese- a cream-cheese-like base and a spicy kick.
• Coconut Jalapeno – coconut with a big kick.
• Licorice – black ice cream, only slightly creepy.
• Garlic – only at the Gilroy Garlic Festival in Gilroy, California, wonder if it keeps the vampires away?
• Maple Bacon Sundae – you can thank Denny’s for this one.
• Breakfast in Bed – a vanilla ice cream base with pasteurized egg yolks, real maple syrup and bacon! Just don’t drip on your pillow.
• Lobster Ice Cream from Ben & Bill’s Chocolate Emporium in Bar Harbor, a butter ice cream-based treat with fresh (again buttered) lobster folded into each bite. I wonder if it makes a sound if you boil it?
• Pear With Blue Cheese, a well-balanced mix of sweet Oregon Trail Bartlett Pears mixed with crumbles of Rogue Creamery’s Crater Lake Blue Cheese. Seems like everything is a little strange on the West Coast.
• “Real” Eskimo ice cream or Akutag as the locals would call it. It is overflowing with enough fresh berries for your sweet tooth; however, its base is actually animal fat (reindeer, caribou, possibly even whale). My guess is that you will have a hard time finding a low calorie version of this one.

Friday Funny June 13, 2014 – The Elephant in the Room

lwff

I bet you have been thinking to yourself that it has been awhile since you heard some good elephant jokes.  Well, here they are.

Enjoy!

What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the bill?  Look! Here come the elephants over the hill!”

So, what did Tarzan say when he say the elephants coming over the hill wearing dark glasses?  Nothing! He did not recognize them.

How can you tell an elephant from a grape?  The grape is purple.

What is it that looks like an elephant and flies?  A flying elephant!

What is it that looks like an elephant, flies, and is extremely dangerous?  A flying elephant with a machine gun.

What does a bald elephant wear for a toupee?  A sheep.

How can you tell if an elephant has been in your refrigerator?  By the footprints in the jello.

Why did the elephant paint his toenails different colors?  So, he could hide in the bowl of M&M’s.

What is red and white on the outside and gray and white on the inside?  Campbell’s Cream of Elephant Soup

How do you make an elephant float?  An elephant, some root beer and two scoops of ice cream!

What’s gray and goes round and round? An elephant in a washing machine! 

What’s the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant? About 3,000 miles!

What grey, has a wand, huge wings and gives money to elephants? The tusk fairy!

What’s the difference between an elephant and a piece of paper? You can’t make a paper airplane out of an elephant!

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. ~Anne Lamott
http://www.quotegarden.com

 

Hosed

hose

I have a very strong dislike for garden hoses.  That may sound odd to you, you may very likely perceive garden hoses as being rather innocuous.    Who ever heard of a garden hose causing a real problem? – you might think.  Yet to me, garden hoses present an endless source of frustration.  l am sure you have noticed that a garden hose stretched out across the yard has a striking resemblance to a snake, I believe there is a reason for that.

The purpose of a garden hose is simple and straightforward, it is “supposed” to convey water from one place to another, from the house to the plants that need to be watered, to the car that needs to be washed, to the child who wants to play in its spray. 

The plan is obvious enough: attach one end to the spigot and to the other end attach a nozzle or a sprinkler of some sort and enjoy an uninterrupted supply of water.  

Well here is what happens when I use a garden hose.  First I attach one end to the spigot, then I attach the other end to a nozzle then I turn the water faucet on.  Next I wait for the water to come out of the hose, then I wait some more and then after I wait a while longer a small trickle of water comes out.  So, I unroll the hose from the reel.  Unfortunately this is not as easy as it sounds for invariably, the hose is knotted and twisted inside the hose reel.  This is one of the great mysteries of life because it is never knotted when I reel the hose in; however, somehow it is ALWAYS knotted and kinked when I reel the hose out.  So I pull and pull and pull some more, then I knock the hose reel over and kick it a time or two for good measure and eventually the hose is out.  The water trickle becomes a little stronger but there is still something amiss.  My next step is to undo all the places where the hose has twisted and folded over on itself restricting the water flow, even though I have the reinforced garden hose that has a lifetime guarantee to never twist or fold over on itself.  Once the hose has finally been straightened out, the water flows freely.  Of course now I notice that the majority of the water is gushing out all around the nozzle because the washer that I replaced the last time I used the hose has become cracked and dried and is no longer providing a very good seal.  I turn off the water, put on a dry shirt, replace the washers at both ends of the hose, turn the water on and, finally, everything works fine.  However, in the time it has taken me to have a fully functioning garden hose with an adequate flow of water, the clouds have darkened and a thunderstorm has rolled in.  By the time I get the hose reeled in, the skies have opened up, the rain has come, and I am once again soaked to the bone.

Which only serves to remind me once again that I have a very strong dislike for garden hoses!

 

 

 

 

Friday Funny June 6, 2014 – A Sad and Sordid Tale

 

lwff

There was once a very troubled young man named Clint who never seemed to be able to catch a break. It seemed as if one setback only served to lead to another setback. Years of frustration and failure had left him broke, unhappy and desperate. His desperate situation led him to a desperate plan. He knew that his wife had a large insurance policy for which he was the sole beneficiary, so he decided that the only way out of his current circumstances was to arrange to have her killed.

Clint had a “friend of a friend” put him in touch with a shadowy and nefarious underworld figure who was known only by the fictitious name of “Artie.” Clint arranged a meeting with Artie in a dark and dreary alley. Artie explained to the Clint that his going price for “taking care of his problem” was $50,000, in small, unmarked bills. Clint said he was willing to pay that amount but nervously explained that he did not have that much money and that he would not have it until after the “problem” was taken care of and he had received the insurance payment.

Artie was not very pleased to hear this and insisted on being paid something up front. Clint took out his billfold and sheepishly displayed the solitary one dollar bill that resided in the well-worn wallet. Artie muttered under his breath, sighed heavily, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the service to be rendered.

Artie began to keep tabs on Clint’s wife and a few days later, he followed her as she made a trip to the local grocery store. Once inside, he surprised her in the produce department, overpowered her and strangled her with his gloved hands.

As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor the unfortunate manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene. Artie was unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, so he had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

Unbeknownst to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the store’s hidden camera and observed by the store’s security guard, who immediately called the police.

Before he could even leave the store, Artie was apprehended. Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the diabolical plan, including his financial arrangements with hapless Clint.

And that is why, the next day in the newspaper, the headline declared:

ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT KROGER

Thought for the week

“Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.” ~Abraham Lincoln