Author Archives: Leonard

Friday Funny January 22, 2021 Computer Jokes

Happy Friday – already three weeks down in 2021!  Let’s kick off this Friday with a few computer related jokes chosen especially for you.

Enjoy!

Is it true that you should not use “beef stew” as a computer password because it is not stroganoff?

Was the computer tired when it got home from work because it had a hard drive?

If you crossed a computer programmer with an athlete would you get a disk-us thrower?

Is it true that a computer’s favorite music is Disk-O?

I read a news story about some computer hackers who escaped from the scene of their crime.  Apparently, they just ransomware.

Is it true that when computers want a snack, they prefer to eat chips?

If a doctor tells you that your eye injury was caused by staring at a computer screen for too long, you just might have a terminal disease.

Is it true that the computer crossed the road because it had been programmed by a chicken?

If you hold a hard drive to your ear can you hear the C:?

They say you are supposed to back up your files, but I still haven’t found reverse on my PC.

I had one more computer joke for you but it wasn’t funny. Not one bit.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“If Bill Gates had a dime for every time Windows crashes… oh, wait a minute, he already does.” ~Author Unknown

http://www.quotegarden.com

Friday Funny January 15, 2021 Doctor Jokes

Happy Friday!  The cold, gray days of winter had me feeling a little down, so I went to the Doctor………

Enjoy!

I told the Doctor that I was suffering from hallucinations, he told me that I was only imagining it.

I told the Doctor that I felt like I was a tennis racket, he told me that I was too highly strung.

I told the Doctor that I felt like I was a DVD, he told me that he thought he had seen me before.

I told the Doctor that my stomach was sore, he told me to stop my belly aching.

I told the Doctor that I felt like a piano, he told me to hang on while he made some notes.

I told the Doctor that I had swallowed a spoon, he told me to relax and try not to stir.

I told the Doctor that I swallowed a roll of film, he told me not to worry, that nothing would develop.

I told the Doctor that I felt like a set of curtains, he told me to pull myself together.

I told the Doctor that I had a ringing in my ears, he told me to answer it.

I told the Doctor that I felt like I was a professional wrestler, he told me to get a grip on myself.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.” ~Erma Bombeck

http://WWW.QUOTEGARDEN.COM

Friday Funny January 8, 2021 A Not So Fond Farewell to 2020

Happy Friday! I hope that 2021 is off to a nice start for you and here is hoping that it brings better things than 2020 did! Hopefully we will never experience another year like 2020 and it is not with much fondness that we bid it adieu.  As my of my favorite philosophers, the great Bugs Bunny once put it, “And don’t think it hasn’t been a little slice of heaven… ’cause it hasn’t.” So, let’s put 2020 in the rearview mirror on move on.

Enjoy!

2020   Turned us all into dogs. We roam the house all day looking for food. We are told “no” if we get too close to strangers. And we get really excited about car rides.

2020  Turned the world upside down: Old folks are sneaking out of the house, and their kids are yelling at them to stay indoors.

I heard a couple of grandmothers bragging about their precious little darlings. One proudly proclaimed, “My grandbabies are so good at social distancing, they won’t even call me.”

Is the difference between COVID-19 and Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet that one is a coronavirus and the other is a Verona crisis?

If you take your stimulus check and use it to buy baby chicks, could you say that got the money for nothing and the chicks for free?

With all this handwashing, I ran out of soap and body wash the other day and the only thing I could find was dish detergent – then it Dawned on me.

Is the difference between Humpty Dumpty and the year 2020 that one of them had a great fall?

I am not sure what animal the year 2020 was on the Chinese calendar but I’m pretty sure it has rabies.

In the future will we call those born in 2020 babydoomers?

When 2020 started Australia was on fire and over a billion animals were dead, little did we know that would be the feel good story of the year.

I’d tell you a coronavirus joke but you would have to wait a week to ten days to get it.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Drop the last year into the silent limbo of the past. Let it go, for it was imperfect, and thank God that it can go.” ~Author unknown

http://WWW.QUOTEGARDEN.COM

 

Friday Funny January 1, 2021 My Predictions

 

Happy Friday! Happy New Years! Good Bye 2020!!

As we prepare for a new and hopefully better year, I dug out my crystal ball and as I gazed intently into it, I saw that the following are in store for 2021.  This time next year, you can pull this out and you will be amazed at the uncanny accuracy of my predictions.

Enjoy!

  • There will be weather on a daily basis, sometimes it will be severe.
  • The stock market will go up or perhaps it will go down.
  • A famous celebrity couple will break up.
  • Someone will predict the end of the world.
  • We will see some technological advancements.
  • Your Chia Pet will not survive the new year.
  • In many parts of the country the temperature will be above or below normal.
  • There will be hiccups in the recovery if the economy.
  • You probably will not lose that 20 pounds you plan on losing.
  • The CDC Guidelines on COVID will change.
  • There will be upheaval somewhere in the world.
  • The Cincinnati Bengals will not be in the Super Bowl.
  • There will be a major data breach that impacts millions of people.
  • The price of a gallon of gas will fluctuate.
  • More than one famous person will die unexpectedly.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Write it on your heart that every day is the best day in the year.” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

The Night Before Christmas In The Digital Age

Merry Christmas Eve! Wishes you and yours a very Merry Christmas!

Since this is Christmas Eve, I thought I would dust this one off again.  So, with apologies once again to Clement Clarke Moore, here is my adaptation of his classic for the digital age.

Enjoy!

‘Twas the day before Christmas, when at my house

I was at the computer, moving the mouse;

It was time for another Friday Funny, does anyone care

If in the morning, the email inbox has a funny there?

Two of my boys were still nestled all snug in their beds,

While visions of homemade cookies danced in their heads;

While mamma was working, I was off for the day,

It seemed like there was nothing funny for me to say,

When out on the Internet there arose such a clatter,

I sprang to my browser to see what was the matter.

Away to another window I flew like a flash,

Hoping as always that my computer would not crash.

The back-lighting of the monitor produced a glow

Which gave a slight luster to objects below,

As I wondered from web site to web site what should appear,

But a miniature sleigh jpg, complete with reindeer,

With a little driver icon, so lively and quick, I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.

More rapid than dsl downloads his cursers they came,

And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;

“Now, Yahoo! now, Google! now, Facebook and Amazon!

On, ebay! on youtube! on, myspace and ask.com!

To the top of the screen! to the top of the wall!

Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!”

As deleted lines that before the backspace button fly,

When they meet with a click, mount to the sky,

So up to the screen-top the cursers they flew,

With a file full of toys, and St. Nicholas too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the speaker

The prancing and pawing of each little squeaker.

As I drew in my hand, and was scrolling around,

Downloading an mpeg, St. Nicholas came with a bound.

He was digitally dressed from his head to his foot,

And his clothes were photo-shopped with ashes and soot;

A bundle of toys he had superimposed on his back,

And he looked like a Trojan file just opening his pack.

His eyes — they pulsated! his dimples they grew!

His cheeks had roses painted on them, his nose was blue!

His droll little mouth transfigured to a bow,

And the beard of his chin turned into white snow;

His pipe was a tree stump he held tight in his teeth,

And the smoke wafted up and became a green wreath;

He had a broad face and a little round belly,

That shook, when he laughed and turned into jelly.

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,

And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;

Two winking eyes and a fast spinning head,

Soon gave me to know I had no virus to dread;

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,

He backed up my hard drive; then turned with a jerk,

And laying his finger aside of his nose,

And giving a nod, up the window he rose;

He sprang to his jpg, to his team gave a whistle,

And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.

But I heard him exclaim, ere he deleted his cookie from sight,

“Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.”

© 2019 LeonardsLines.com

 

White Christmas – Bah! Humbug!

Christmas is almost here and I have to vent, just for a moment.  I am not a Grinch or a Scrooge but I have to say that I would be fine if it is a long, long time before I hear White Christmas by Bing Crosby or anyone else for that matter. 

“I’m dreaming of a white Christmas – Just like the ones I used to know”

JUST like the ones I used to know?

My usual Christmas during my life spent in Ohio, Kentucky, Texas and Alabama has been snow free many, many more times than it has been snowy.

“Where the tree tops glisten – And children listen -To hear sleigh bells in the snow”

I have never in my life heard sleigh bells in the snow.

“I’m dreaming of a white Christmas – With every Christmas card I write”

These days I write only a few Christmas cards, does that translate into dreaming less about a White Christmas?

According to a NOAA National Climatic Data Center based on weather data collected from 1981 to 2010, there is only one large city in America that consistently more than a 70% chance of a White Christmas and that is Minneapolis. In fact, in the Lower 48 states only 24.8% have a White Christmas.

So, we end up having sentimental “memories” that perhaps never existed and we set up Christmas to be this sentimental experience that has high odds of disappointment for most of us and obviously the further South you live, the more likely that the sentimentality of the song makes no sense to your personal history.

Let me suggest that we listen a little less to White Christmas and a little more to Do You Hear What I Hear?

Pray for peace, people everywhere!
Listen to what I say!
The Child, the Child, sleeping in the night
He will bring us goodness and light

Instead of dreaming for something that we have absolutely no control over and is very likely to disappoint us, let’s pray and work for peace for people everywhere and to bring light to a world that seems to be getting darker all the time.

Perhaps old Mr. Scrooge would say, even AFTER the encounters with the three Spirits, “every idiot who goes about with a ‘I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas ‘ on his lips should be boiled with his own pudding, and buried with a stake of holly through his heart.”

Friday Funny December 18, 2020 More Christmas Mondegreens

Happy Friday!  Christmas is fast approaching and the airwaves are filled with holiday songs.  You may be tempted to cut loose and sing along, but are you sure you are singing the correct words?  If have found yourself mishearing words to songs, you just might have found a mondegreen.  Here are some amusing Christmas song mondegreens.  

Enjoy!

Joy to the World – “Joy to the world! The Lord has gum…”

Joy to the World – “Joy to the world – and let’s have fun, let earth receive her keys…”

The First Noel – “Noel, Noel…Barney’s the king of Israel…”

Away in a Manger – “The catalog glowing…”

Away in a Manger – “The cattle are blowing the poor baby away…”

Angels We Have Heard on High – “Gloria in a Chelsea stable…”

O Little Town of Bethlehem  – “Yet in thy dark streets China…”

Frosty – “Frosty the Snowman – Was a jolly happy soul – With a canecob pipe and a bloody nose…”

Twelve Days of Christmas – “On the tenth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, ten lawyers leaving…”

Jingle Bells – ‘“Bells on bob tails ring, making spare ribs bright, what fun it is to laugh and sing, a slaying song tonight…”

Deck the Halls – “Don we now our day of peril, Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la…”

 THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Come in, — come in! and know me better, man! I am the Ghost of Christmas Present. Look upon me! You have never seen the like of me before!”  ~ Charles Dickens,  A Christmas Carol

Friday Funny December 11, 2020 Gingerbread Man Jokes

Happy Friday!  It is hard to accept that Christmas is only two week away!  Let’s keep up the Holiday spirit with some Gingerbread Man jokes.

Enjoy!

Did you hear about the Gingerbread Man who went to the doctor because he was feeling crumb-y?  He told the doctor that his knee hurt really bad, so the Doctor told him to try icing it.

I saw a story about a lady who died after eating too many Gingerbread houses, seems it was a case of  “munch-housing-syndrome.”

Is it true that Gingerbread Men make their beds with cookie sheets?

Is it true that few Gingerbread Men have houses because they take too much dough?

Is it true that the most dangerous cookie is the NinjaBread Man?

Is it true that computer programmers do not have Gingerbread Men because they delete their cookies?

Did you hear about the Gingerbread Man who went to the dentist for his gingervitas?

Is it true that the type of Gingerbread Men most likely to fly are the plain ones?

I once interviewed a Gingerbread Man for a job.  We did not offer it to him, he just was not cut out it.

I heard there is a new disease that is common to Gingerbread Men, but there is not much concern about it because nobody can catch it.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“No man is a failure who has friends.” ~ Clarence’s book inscription to George Bailey – It’s A Wonderful Life

Friday Funny December 4, 2020 Eggnog Puns

Happy Friday and Happy December!  The good news is that we have made it to the last month of 2020!  The holiday season is upon us and that means there is eggnog.  So let’s kick off the weekend with some eggnog puns.  I hope they crack you up.  If not, then maybe you just can’t take a yolk.

Enjoy!

If a chicken told you an eggnog jokes, would she be a comedi-hen?

Is it true that Mr. Scrooge did not like the eggnog because it was not all that it was cracked up to be?

If you have a sing-a-long while drinking eggnog would you call it kara-yolkie?

Is drinking eggnog a form of eggs-ercise?

If you refuse to drink eggnog would you be considered egg-nostic?

Is the fastest path to the eggnog bowl the eggs-press lane?

If you had some really good eggnog would you describe it as egg-cellent?

Do you share your eggnog with people who are egg-stra special?

If you really love eggnog would people call you egg-centric?

Would you take eggnog to school to help improve your egg-u-cation?

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“To cherish peace and goodwill, to be plenteous in mercy, is to have the real spirit of Christmas.” ~ Calvin Collidge

Friday Funny November 27, 2020 First Christmas Jokes of the Season

Happy Friday!  I hope you were able to have a nice Thanksgiving.  That means Christmas is just around the corner.  I thought I would bring out my first batch of Christmas jokes for the season.

Enjoy!

Have you noticed that you have never seen Santa in a hospital? That is because he has private elf care!

Is it true that if Santa’s elves don’t meet performance standards, he gives them the sack?

If you ate the Christmas decorations would you get Tinsil-it is?

I heard that Rudolph’s last report card was note very good, it seems he went down in history.

Is it true that Santa’s laundry detergent of choice is Yule-Tide?

Is it true that Santa goes down the chimney on Christmas Eve just because it soots him?

Would you call someone who is afraid of Santa- Claustrophobic?

If a snowman had a major temper tantrum would you call it a meltdown?

If Santa has mechanical problem with his sleigh does he have to call for a mistle-tow?

I hear that because of COVID 19 that this year the elves are using extra Santa-tizer.

“What if today, we were just grateful for everything?”~Charlie Brown