Author Archives: Leonard

Thanksgiving Up In Smoke

Thanksgiving is one of those holidays that, for most of us, is filled with memories:  memories of gatherings, memories of food, fond memories with family and friends.  This year Thanksgiving will be a different one and a memorable one in a number of ways.

For me, one of the most memorable Thanksgiving was in 1980 and it hard to believe it was forty years ago.  I was a senior in college and Thanksgiving break is ALWAYS welcome when one is in college.  The break usually means being home with family, sleeping in your own bed, eating some real home cooking and spending time with people that you do not get to see near as often as you used to.

Thanksgiving Day itself was nothing out of the ordinary and to be honest, I do not have many memories of that day.  However, the break took an eventful turn on Saturday morning.  I had transferred to Miami University after my sophomore year and had rented an apartment with two friends I had known since grade school.  Saturday morning I had a call from Joe who had received a call from Randy.  Randy’s Dad had heard on the radio that there had been a fire at our apartment in Oxford.  So, the three of us headed to Oxford from Dayton to see what was going on.  Upon our arrival we found that most of the third floor of the three floor apartment building was gone and, unfortunately, we lived on the third floor.

It is rather amazing that there were no firemen or anyone there to keep us out, so we went up to the third floor to have a  look around.  What we saw was not very pretty as the above picture of my bed can show.  We dragged out some stuff, most of which was thrown away as soon as we unloaded it at home.  It is interesting to see one’s entire album collection fused together in one mass.  I did trim the burnt edges off of my Cost Accounting book so that I could use for the Advanced Cost Accounting course.  

It is said that there is always a silver lining and there was a silver lining that rose out of the ashes that was my college apartment.  My Dad received an insurance check to help cover the loss.  Out of what came in the check, he gave me a portion.  There were two items that I purchased with the insurance money.  The first thing I bought was Wilson A2000 baseball glove which I still have in my possession and used up until COVID took softball away this year.  The other, more expensive and perhaps the more important purchase I made was an engagement ring.  (It was 1/4 carat, the insurance check was not that big.)  Fortunately the engagement ring is still in use as well.

This Thanksgiving will be different, but hopefully there will still be a roof over your head when Saturday morning rolls around.

 

Friday Funny November 20, 2020 Thanksgiving Jokes

Happy Friday!  The good news is that there are only six more weeks left in 2020, the bade news is who knows what 2021 will bring!  However, if we try, we can all find things to be thankful for even during this difficult year.  Thanksgiving is less than a week away now, so here is a serving of jokes to get you in the mood,

Enjoy!

If you pass down the family recipe for turnkey from one generation to another would you call that copy and basting?

Would you call a turkey’s evil twin a gobblegänger?

Is it true that the turkey crossed the road so that people would think he was a chicken instead?

Is it true that turkeys make are not very good baseball players because they always hit fowl balls?

If a turkey hurt his leg causing a limb would he “Wobble, wobble!?”

If a fire breaks out during your Thanksgiving dinner should you stop, drop, and pass the rolls?

If a turkey got in a fight would he get the stuffing knocked out of him?

Is a turkey’s favorite internet browser “Google, google!?”

 If a flock of turkeys go to a dance would it be a Butterball?

 If they made a movie about a real person who hosted the largest Thanksgiving dinner in history would they say that it was baste on a True Story?

I am so excited for Thanksgiving Dinner this year because this year I shot my first Thanksgiving turkey.  You should have seen the look on the faces of all the other people in the grocery store!

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words but to live by them.” ~President John F. Kennedy, Thanksgiving Day Proclamation, 1963

http://WWW.quotegarden.com

Friday Funny November 13, 2020 FF Bad Luck Jokes for Friday the 13th

Happy Friday the 13!  Given all that has happened in 2020 perhaps you are really apprehensive about this Friday the 13.  But put aside your paraskevidekatriaphobia, take a deep breath, look bad luck in the eye and give a hearty laugh.

Enjoy!

I hope really hope that you are not really scared of Friday the 13th, because it is bad luck to be superstitious.

My luck is so bad that my personality test came back negative.

My luck is so bad that I switched to Nationwide. They were not on my side.

My luck is so bad that when I had a pet rock, it ran away.

My luck is so bad that I planned my own birthday party and I still was not invited.

My luck is so bad that the last time I tried to be cool I ended up with hypothermia.

Would you call someone down on their luck who does stock photos a poor business model?

The other day I saw someone pushing a cart full of horse shoes and rabbit feet and I thought to myself – now that is really pushing your luck.\

Did you that Garden Gnomes are a supposed to bring you good luck?  Thai is a little gnome fact.

I cut the prong off a fork and am wearing it on a necklace for luck.  You know what they day – third tine’s the charm!

If it were not for negative variance, I would have no variance at all.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“To a brave man, good luck and bad luck are like his right and left hand.  He uses both.” ~ Catherine of Siena

 

Friday Funny November 5, 2020 Feeling A Tad Old

Happy Friday!  The weirdness that is 2020 just keeps on giving.  It will be a year that we will remember, although for me my memory ain’t what it used to be.

Enjoy!

You know you are starting to get old when you have been there and done that, but you can’t remember what “that” was.

You know you are starting to get old when people tell you that you are “retro.”

You know you are starting to get old when see expensive antiques and you know it is just like it that you threw away.

You know you are starting to get told when you old when you buy extra-large print-alphabet soup.

You know you starting to get are old when you stop searching for the meaning of life and focus instead on searching for your car keys

I’ve got the memory of an elephant; I remember this one time that I went to the zoo and saw an elephant.

The other night I ate part of my memory foam mattress again.  I had forgotten how much better it tastes than a traditional mattress.

I was out for a walk the other night and went down a down a street where the homes were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1024K, it was a trip down memory lane.

Did you hear about the mafia Don who had memory issues? He kept making people offers he couldn’t remember.

I am so old that when I was a kid rainbows were black and white.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“You never realize what a good memory you have until you try to forget something.” ~ Franklin Jones

Friday Funny October 30, 2020 Halloween Jokes

Happy Friday and Happy Halloween!  Like everything else in 2020, Trick or Treat will be different.  Just don’t eat all the leftover candy in one sitting!

Enjoy!

Is it true that the most popular vacation destinations ghosts are Mali-boo and the Boohamas?

Is it true that policeman gave the ghost a ticket on Halloween because he didn’t have a haunting license?

Is it true that vampires need mouthwash to get rid of bat breath?

Is it true that to get their hair looking its best witches use sham-BOO and scare spray?

Did you hear about the ghost who went on a diet in an effort to keep her ghoulish figure?

Would you call a haunted chicken a poultry-geist?

Would you call a vampire that lives in the kitchen Count Spatula?

I heard that on Halloween a local eye doctor passes out candy corneas.

Did you know that the scariest animal in the forest is a cari-BOO!~?

Did you know that panda ghosts eat bam-BOO!?

What is in a ghost’s nose?  BOO-gers!

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“There is a child in every one of us who is still a trick-or-treater looking for a brightly-lit front porch.” ~Robert Brault, rbrault.blogspot.com

http://WWW.QUOTEGARDEN.COM

Brushes With Fame: Don Mattingly

The odd 2020 baseball season (but then isn’t everything in 2020 odd?) is coming to an end and as I write this, Game 6 of the World Series is taking place.

The Miami Marlins was a team that faced more adversity than probably any other team during the 2020 season.  Little was expected of them after enduring back-to-back last-place finishes from 2018-19.  Most experts expected them to stay in the cellar for 2020., However, against the odds, Manager Don Mattingly led them to the postseason despite a COVID-19 outbreak, which landed 18 players on the injured list in the first week of the season.  Over the course of the 60 game season, the Marlins ended up making 174 roster moves and used a total of 61 players.

Manager Don Mattingly was rewarded by being named the National League Manager of the Year.  Mattingly was an outstanding player in his 14 season with the New York Yankees; however his postseason career consisted of games in 1995.

My brush with fame and “Donnie Baseball” occurred in 1990.  Mattingly was born and raised in Evansville, Indiana.  Back in the 90’s he still spent time in Evansville and owned a restaurant, Mattingly’s 23.  1990 was a difficult year personally and in the fall was working a job at a bank during the day and took a second job at the Evansville Airport in the evenings and weekends.  One day I had the opportunity to carry Mr. Mattingly’s bags from the luggage carousal to his car.  I would have loved to have received an autograph for my effort,  but alas I did not have any paper or a pen on me.  He did; however, give me $10 for my trouble and at that time I could definitely put the $10 to better use than I could an autograph.  The $10 is long gone, but I have a feeling that I would have kept the autograph.  But at least I can say that I met “Donnie Baseball.”

Friday Funny October 23, 2020 More Jokes That Ring A Bell

Happy Friday!  I know I am behind the curve because I still have a LAN line.  It come in handy when I need to find my cell phone!  Most of the calls that come on it these days are telemarketers or political pitches.  So, this week I dialed up some phone related jokes,

Enjoy!

Is it true that telemarketers don’t have managers, they have ring leaders?

Is it true that it only takes one telemarketer to change a light bulb, but they have to do it while you’re eating dinner? 

Is it true that the hobbit set his cell phone to vibrate because he was afraid the ring would give him away?

The other day I had a call from a telemarketer in Egypt, I think they were trying to sell me on a pyramid scheme. 

If a zombie was a telemarketer would you call him a dead ringer?

Did you hear about the crow who worked as a telemarketer?  He was fired for Just Caws.

I have a friend who really enjoys his job as a telemarketer, it seems he has found his calling.

Last week I went fishing for telephones, but they kept ringing off the hook.

The other night I left my phone under my pillow and when I woke up it was gone and there was a $5 bill in its place.  I think might have been the Bluetooth fairy.

I just can’t picture myself without a camera phone.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Some people get lost in thought because it’s such unfamiliar territory.” ~G. Behn

http://WWW.QUOTEGARDEN.COM

Friday Funny October 16, 2020 Bookish Humor

Happy Friday!  As the days get a bit cooler and shorter, it is a great time to curl up with a good book and maybe a few book jokes too.

Enjoy!

The other day I went to the library and I asked the librarian for a book on Schrodinger’s Cat and Pavlov’s dog.  She said it rang a bell but she didn’t know if it was there or not.

Then I asked where I could find the self-help section.  She just looked and me and told me that if she told me where it was, that would defeat the purpose. 

Then I asked her if they had any books on paranoia.  She leaned over and whispered, “they’re right behind you.”

Then She suggested a book about Stockholm Syndrome.  It had a pretty bad start, but by the end I really liked it.

She also told me that she had won a Lifetime Achievement Award from the Librarians Association, it seems she had a storied career.

Last week, I started reading a book about an immortal dog.  It was impossible to put down

I really liked the Harry Potter books but I think the character of Nearly Headless Nick was pretty poorly executed.

My grandson noticed me read “War and Peace”, and asked, “Why is that book so thick?”  “Well,” I said, “it’s a long story.”

I have written a book on tapeworms.  In hindsight, paper would have been better.

I am considering killing some characters in the book I am writing. I think it would definitely spice up my autobiography.

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A chicken walks into a library, and says to the librarian: “Book, book, book.”

The librarian takes three books and hands them to the chicken.

On the way out the chicken runs into a frog and shows him the books and says: “Book, book, book.”

The frog replies: “Reddit, reddit, reddit.”

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Never judge a book by its movie.” ~ J. W. Eagan

 

Robot Curling – The Beginning of the End?

With all that is going on in the world these days, you might have missed the recent news about curling.  OK, if there was nothing going on in the world, you probably would have missed any news about curling.  However, there was development last month that might have some serious implications for the curling world, the sport world, and perhaps humanity itself.

The big curling news was that a robot named Curly (apparently besides being boring, curling types are also not very creative) beat not one, but two elite Korean national teams. If you are not familiar with curling, the sport is sort of a mix of bowling, chess, and sweeping the floor. A player called the “thrower” gently slides a mutant-puck made of granite, aka “stone”, releasing it before crossing  a boundary line, aka “hogline.” The idea is to glide the stone 100 feet down the rink to the target, aka “house.” Then the  opposing team does the same thing, so both teams try accumulate stones in the house. At the end of the round, the team with the stone closest to the center of the target gets a point. If that team has extra stones closer to the center than the opposing team, those tally additional points. Yes, this sounds as riveting as it actually is, aka “not.”

The point is that Curly is actually a big achievement in machine intelligence, one that could have implications for robotics beyond the rink.  Perhaps in the future, you might see robot curling in the Olympics, perhaps that might lead to other robot sports:  robot bob-sledding, robot hockey, robot football, robot boxing, robot baseball.  Who know where it might end?  Perhaps it will go beyond sports to other things.  But before you get too excited about the robot enhanced future watch “The Matrix” or “Terminator.”  I don’t think those movies really went into details of how the robot revolution begain, maybe they started with curlling?

 

Friday Funny October 9, 2020 Squirrel Jokes

Happy Friday!  Fall is in the air, the leaves are changing color and the squirrels are out gathering food for the coming winter.  So, why not a few squirrel jokes to kick off this Friday?

Enjoy!

If the way to catch a squirrel is to climb up a tree and act like a nut – then

     Would you catch a Polynesian squirrel by climbing a tree and acting like a coconut?

     Would you catch a squirrel for the holidays by climbing a tree and acting like nutmeg?

     Would you catch a rich squirrel by climbing a tree and acting like a cashew?

Did the blind man cross the road because his dog saw a squirrel?

Is a squirrel’s favorite way to watch TV by streaming Nut-flix?

The other day, I was chasing a squirrel in my back yard. The squirrel ran up a tree and I totaled my car.

I got kicked out of the park today for arranging the squirrels by height, it seems they did not appreciate my critter sizing.

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A squirrel was sitting on the branch of a tree when suddenly it began shaking violently.  He looks down and is quite surprised to see an elephant climbing up the tree.  “What in the world are you doing?” cried the squirrel. “I want to come up and eat some cherries,” replied the elephant.  “This is an oak tree, there aren’t any cherries here,” said the squirrel.  “It’s okay,” said the elephant. “I’ve brought my own.”

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There was a man who trying to cross the street. As he steps off the curb a car comes screaming around the corner and heads straight for him.

Frightened, the man begins to walk faster, trying to hurry across the street, but the car changes lanes and continues coming at him.

So the guy quickly turns around to go back the way he come, but the car changes lanes again and is still coming right at him. By now, the car is so close and the man is so scared that he just freezes and stops in the middle of the road. The car gets within inches, then swerves at the last possible moment and screeches to a halt next him.

The driver rolls down the window. To the man’s astonishment, the driver is a squirrel! The squirrel looks at the man and yells, “See! It’s not as easy as it looks, is it!?”

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

The first requirement in taking a step in the right direction is to take a step in some direction. ~Robert Brault, rbrault.blogspot.com

http://WWW.QUOTEGARDEN.COM