Author Archives: Leonard

Friday Funny August 12, 2022 If You Tell Corny Jokes, They Will Laugh (Maybe)

Happy Friday!  This evening, as I prepare this, the “Field of Dreams” Baseball Game is taking place in Iowa between the Reds and Cubs.  So, in honor of Field of Dreams, here are some of the corniest jokes I could find.

Enjoy!

Is it true that melons do not have weddings because they cantaloupe.

Did you hear about the sailor who could not learn the alphabet?  It seems he kept getting lost at C.

Is it true that grass is dangerous because it is full of blades?

Is it true that the best way to tell a dogwood tree is by its bark?

If two snails get into a fight, do they slug it out?

Is it true that the most condescending bear is the pan-duh?

Would you call a priest who becomes a lawyer a father-in-law?

Is it true that cows have hooves and not feet because they lactose?

Is it true that Waldo only wears striped shirts because he doesn’t want to be spotted?

Is it true that pancakes do well at baseball because they have a better batter?

I read that swords will never become obsolete because they are cutting edge technology.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“The earth produces by itself, first the blade, then the ear, then the full grain in the ear. “ ~ Mark 4:28

Friday Funny August 5, 2022 Jokes You May or May Not Care For

Happy Friday! We all have those days that it is just a little harder to get motivated – these jokes are for days like that.

Enjoy!

I read a story the other day about an apathetic man who died.  Apparently, it was a shrug overdose.

I read another story this week about a new drug that makes its users apathetic, it’s called Crystal Meh.

And in a related story, I read where scientists have recently discovered a virus that increases the apathy of those infected, apparently no one seems to care.

What does an apathetic pastry Chef say? “I doughnut care.”

Would you call an apathetic Russian a So-be-it?

Would you call an apathetic cow, emoo-tionless?

Is the most apathetic island in the Pacific the I-don’t-care-Atoll?

Last year I joined the local apathetic club. No one cared enough to attend the meetings, though.

This year I set a goal to read the entire dictionary but for whatever reason I lost all interest and stopped somewhere around “apathy.”

Apparently my wife thinks that I am pretty apathetic; however I just realized that the “a” is silent.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Tolerance and apathy are the last virtues of a dying society.” ~ Aristotle

Friday Funny July 29, 2022 Today I Am Feeling Old

Happy Friday and Happy End of July!  Some days I look around me and I just feel old – today is one of those days.

Enjoy!

I’m so old that I remember when the high beam button was on the floorboard.

I’m so old that I remember having to spin the wheel to make a phone call.

I’m so old that I remember punch cards and even had to use them to write a computer program.

I’m so old that I remember walking across the room to change the TV station – and there were only 3 to choose from.

I‘m so old that I remember having 33, 45 and 78 rpm recordings.

I’m so old that I remember when cutting edge music was on vinyl THEN cassette THEN 8 track THEN CD’s THEN streaming.

I’m so old that I remember using the card catalog and the Readers’ Guide to Periodical Literature.

I’m so old that I remember when baseball cards came with a stick of very hard bubblegum.

I’m so old that I remember mimeograph pages and thermal faxes.

I’m so old that I remember when Saturday morning was about the only time you could see cartoons.

I’m so old I remember when the Borden Milk Man delivered to your door.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“I am so old that I can remember when other people’s achievements were considered to be an inspiration, rather than a grievance.” ~ Thomas Sowell

Friday Funny July 22, 2022

Happy Friday!  It seems like people are getting sillier every day.  I do not know why, but this week I wanted to share about some of my silly friends.

Enjoy!

I had a friend who is so silly, she put lipstick on her forehead to make up her mind.

I had a friend who is so silly, he went to the dentist to get a Bluetooth.

I had a friend who is so silly, she put airbags on her computer in case it crashed.

I had a friend who is so silly, he took a ruler to bed to see how long he slept.

I had a friend who is so silly, she wonders why so many people tell her that running is bad for your niece.

I had a friend who is so silly, he tripped over a cordless phone.

I had a friend who is so silly, she thinks Fleetwood Mac was a new hamburger at McDonald’s.

I had a friend who is so silly, he thought Dunkin’ Donuts was a new expansion team in the NBA.

I had a friend who is so silly, she thought Tiger Woods was a forest in India.

I had a friend who is so silly, he thought Tupac Shakur was a Jewish Holiday.

I had a friend who is so silly, she uses Old Spice for cooking.

I had a friend who was so silly, he thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.” ~ W.C. Fields

Friday Funny July 15, 2022 Inflation Jokes

Happy Friday! The economy seems to be taking its lumps these days and the price of everything is on the way up. I cannot help you with the prices, but I can offer you a laugh or two about them.

Enjoy!

In today’s economy, it seems like if you can finally make ends meet, inflation moves the ends.

Inflation is a lot like toothpaste, once it is out, it is very difficult to get it back in again.

I went to one of those internet sites that will estimate the value of your car.  It asked if the tank was empty or full.

I heard that the price of grapes has gone up because there was a raisin demand.

Now that Tom Brady has retired from football, I heard he is considering running for President. His platform will be lowering inflation.

I think I am a walking illustration of today’s economy: my hairline is in recession and my stomach is a victim of inflation – put these together and I am heading toward deep depression.

I remember as a kid I would put air in my bike tires for free. Now it’s $1.50! I guess that is because of “inflation.”

Inflation is bad, the other day I paid twenty dollars for the ten-dollar haircut I used to get for five dollars when I had more hair.

Inflation is really getting out of hand, but that is just my 4 1/2 cents.

I think there are a lot of jokes about inflation these days because demand has increased following a period of low interest….

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Every short statement about economics is misleading (with the possible exception of my present one).” ~ Alfred Marshall

Friday Funny July 8, 2022 Computer Jokes

Happy Friday! Computers have infiltrated pretty much every aspect of our life, so we might as well have some computer jokes as well.

Enjoy!

Is it true that the computer was tired when it got home because if had had a hard drive?

Is it true that the computer crossed the road because it was programmed by a chicken?

If you crossed a computer programmer with an athlete, would you get a disk-us thrower?

Did the computer sneeze because if had a virus?

When computers get hungry do they eat chips?

The other day I went to a restaurant and a computer came up to me and said, “I’ll be your server today.”

My co-workers call me “The Computer”.  It has nothing to do with my intelligence. I just go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes

If you think that your computer, laptop and phone spying on you is scary then think again, because your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.

Is it true that after work computer programmers go out and grab a byte?

Our computers went down at work today so we had to do everything manually.  It took me a few minutes to shuffle the cards for Solitaire.

I was going to tell more jokes about computers, but they are not very PC.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Never trust a computer you can’t throw out a window” ~Steve Wozniak

Friday Funny July 2, 2022 Jokes for 4th

Happy Friday and Happy 4th of July.  Wishing you a happy and safe holiday weekend.

Enjoy!

Why are there so few knock-knock jokes about America?

Because freedom rings!

What kind of tea did the American colonists drink?

Liber-tea!

What did the colonists wear to the Boston Tea Party?

Tea-shirts!

 Who was the biggest jokester in George Washington’s army?

Laugh-ayette!

Why were the first Americans like ants?

They lived in colonies!

Why did Paul Revere ride his horse from Boston to Lexington?

Because the horse was too heavy to carry!

What is the best sport to play on the 4th of July?

Flag football.

What did the ghost say on the 4th of July?

 “Red, White and Boo!”

Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? 

At the bottom of the page!

Why did George Washington have trouble sleeping? 

Because he could not lie!

 THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“I like to see a man proud of the place in which he lives. I like to see a man live so that his place will be proud of him.” ~ Abraham Lincoln

Friday Funny June 24, 2022 Jokes That Come Home To Roost

Happy Friday!  Let’s kick off the weekend with some chicken jokes.

Enjoy!

Is it true that chickens tell scary stories about Poultrygeists?

Would a negative rooster crow cock-a-doodle-don’t?

Is it true that the best way to get a chicken to read your blog is by using cluckbait?

Did you know that the reason that a chicken coop has two doors is because if it had four it would be a chicken sedan?

Did you hear about the chicken philosophers who pondered the meaning of eggsistence?

Did you hear about the chicken who went through the Powerpoint presentation to get to the other slide?

Is it true that a chickens favorite dessert is coop-cakes?

If you crossed a chicken with a bell would you get an alarm cluck?

If you crossed a chicken with a concrete mixer would you get a brick layer?

Is it true that chickens do not like bossy roosters because they ruffle everyone’s feathers?

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“If you know somethin’ well, you can always paint it but people would be better off buyin’ chickens.” ~ Grandma Moses

Friday Funny June 17, 2022 It Is So Hot That …

Happy Friday!  Happy Fathers’ Day!  It definitely feels like Summer has made an early arrival. Be careful out there because it is so hot that……

Enjoy!

It is so hot out that even the artificial flowers are wilting.

It is so hot out that Optimus Prime transformed into an air conditioner.

It is so hot out that I saw a heatwave and I waved back.

It is so hot out that I poured McDonald’s hot coffee on my lap just to cool off.

It is so hot that the catfish was already fried when I caught it.

 It is so hot that you can spot people who have had plastic surgery.

It is so hot that all the water buffalo at the zoo evaporated.

It is so hot that you cannot make a chili dog.

It is so hot that Tabasco sauce tastes mild.

It is so hot that Reds fans have started to take the bags off their heads.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

My father used to play with my brother and me in the yard. Mother would come out and say, “You’re tearing up the grass.” “We’re not raising grass,” Dad would reply. “We’re raising boys.” ~Harmon Killebrew

WWW.QUOTEGARDEN.COM

Friday Funny June 10, 2022 Poor Richard’s Wisdom

Happy Friday!  This week I thought I would share some notable sayings that Benjamin Franklin gave us through Poor Richard’s Almanac.

Enjoy!

Fish and Visitors stink after three days.

Who has deceiv’d thee so oft as thy self?

Well done is better than well said.

What you would seem to be, be really.

Search others for their virtues, thyself for thy vices.

There is much difference between imitating a good man, and counterfeiting him.

Wink at small faults — remember thou hast great ones.

Little Strokes, Fell great Oaks.

Many Foxes grow grey, but few grow good.

Beware of little Expenses: a small Leak will sink a great Ship.

Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.

A Slip of the Foot you may soon recover, but a slip of the Tongue you man never get over.

Love your Neighbour; yet don’t pull down your Hedge.

Lost time is never found again.

The Sting of a Reproach is the Truth of it.

Glass, China, and Reputations, are easily crack’d, and never well mended.

He that can have patience can have what he will

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“This would be a great time in the world for some man to come along that knew something.” ~Will Rogers