Author Archives: Leonard

Friday Funny January 21, 2022 Strolling Down the Garden Path Sentence

Happy Friday!  Greetings again, another week down and time for a little levity.  We use words all day, every day and when we turn them around a little, they can bring a smile to us.

The following could be referred to as “Garden Path Sentences.”  They try to  deceive one in a sequence of steps, they “lead you down the garden path” to mislead you into parsing and interpreting them incorrectly.

Enjoy!

To write with a broken pencil is …pointless.

When fish are in schools they sometimes . . . take debate.

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes . . . was on shaky ground.

A dentist and a manicurist married…then they fought tooth and nail.

With her marriage, she got a new name . .. . and a dress.

You are stuck with your debt if . . . you can’t budge it.

A boiled egg is . . . hard to beat.

When you’ve seen one shopping center . . . you’ve seen a mall.

Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was . . . resisting a rest.

If you take a laptop computer for a run you could . . .. jog your memory.

A bicycle can’t stand alone; . . . it is two-tired.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine . . . was fully recovered.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, . . . she thought she’d dye.

Acupuncture is . . . a jab well done.

Thought for the Week

“It’s a strange world of language in which skating on thin ice can get you into hot water.”  ~Franklin P. Jones

www.quotegarden.com

Let Me Count The Ways

This evening I need to rant for a few minutes. I have noticed lately that I am hearing the word “countless a lot. Each time I hear this word, a little voice in my head asks, “is this really countless?”

I have heard news stories stating that if this or that had been done during the COVID pandemic that “countless” lives would have been saved. The thought occurred to me that we do count the lives lost, so would not the lives that could have been saved be equal to or less than those who have died?

A few weeks ago, there was a story of a bar that was preparing for New Year’s Eve that had “countless” drink options. I have a feeling that the number of drink options could be counted. Even faster than counting would be to calculate the number of combinations give the number of ingredients – high school math flashback warning – shown below:

How to Calculate Combination.

My point is, given the tools that we have at our disposal today, just about anything can be counted. As is often the case, we are just too lazy to keep track or do the math. There are probably some exceptions, the number of grains of sand on the beach (although you could extrapolate a number based on a small sample) and the number of stars in the sky.

So, with apologies to Elizabeth Barrett Browning and her Sonnet 43 (See-she kept track of her sonnets!), let us stop with the overuse of “countless” and start counting. By the way, when she wrote, “How do I love thee? Let me count the ways,” there were less than 30 ways set forth. I know this because I read the poem and counted them.

Friday Funny January 14, 2021 But Wait! There Are More Jokes!

Happy Friday! The holidays are behind us and we are smack in the middle of January 2022. While the days are cold and short, you might be spending more time watching television or surfing the Internet which exposes you to lots of advertising and marketing. So, this week let’s have a laugh for all the ads we see.

Enjoy!

I started a new job in the marketing department at Chips Ahoy, my first task is to enable cookies.

Is it true that Dracula does A-COUNT-based marketing?

I heard that digital marketers love to shop at Whole Foods because of all the organic content.

Is the best way to market cat food by developing buyer purrr-sonas?

I think Marvel should use the Hulk in more of its advertising, I mean he’s literally a giant Banner.

Yesterday I saw a huge billboard advertising clocks, I guess it’s just a sign of the times.

I heard about the marketer who switched to a job making butter, seems he had a high churn rate.

Is it true that a social media marketer’s favorite snack is Insta-graham crackers?

I heard about a digital marketer who dumped her long-time boyfriend over a serious lack of engagement.

I heard about a digital marketer who switched to professional tap dancing because he thought he was going to get paid per click.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

Plant carrots in January and you’ll never have to eat carrots. ~Gardening saying

http://www.quotegarden.com

A Tank Full of Money?

This evening, I heard a commercial on the radio for an app that will pay you cash for buying gas. Since almost everyone buys gas, it seems like a great idea. The cheerful lady on the commercial said that I could earn up to $0.25 a gallon! The second lady asks if it it really worth it and the first lady happily states that she earns up to $300 a month! Who would not want to earn an extra $300 a month?

A little math will show that if you want to earn that $300 you better like to drive – a lot. Because you will have little time to do anything other than drive! The BEST case is $0.25 a gallon. So to earn $300, you need to buy 1,200 gallons. A quick search of the internet tells me that the average miles per gallon in the US is 24.2 MPG. So, to burn 1,200 gallons, you would need to drive 29,040 miles A MONTH! If you average 60 miles per hour, you would spend 484 hours driving or just over 16 hours a day for a 30 day month. I guess if you have 2 cars you and your spouse could drive 8 hours every day. Unless you job is driving a truck or an Uber, it is hard to fit in a job while driving 8 hours a day.

However, that is the BEST case, the internet also states that the average savings using this app is more like $0.07. At this savings rate, you would need to by 4,286 gallons, driving 103,714 miles and spending 1,729 hours driving at 60 mpg or 57 hours a day during a 30 day month. If you have 7 drivers in your family or own a small trucking company with 7 trucks, you could get the driving back down to about 8 hours a day.

Plus, the app is not available at all stations so you might have to pay more for you gas to begin with. As “they” say – if something sounds too good to be true ….

Friday Funny January 7, 2022 – Snow Jokes

Happy Friday! I hope 2022 is off to a good start for you. This week has brought some snow to many part of the county, so let’s kick off a new year with some snow jokes.

Enjoy!

Is it true that a mountain’s favorite type of candy is Snowcaps?

Would you call a snowman with a six-pack an abdominal snowman?

Is it true that snowmen get around by riding an icicle?

Is it true that Frosty’s favorite relative is Aunt Artica?

Did you hear about the boy that was wearing only one boot because there was a 50 percent chance of snow?

Would you call a snowman’s dog a slush puppy?

Did you hear about the fortune teller that kept predicting snowstorms?  It turns out she didn’t have a crystal ball, it was a snow globe.

I read about a scientist who was conducting experiments with thin ice, it is expecting a major breakthrough.

It is so cold, I had to chop up my piano for firewood but I only got a chord.

I heard the next 007 will be a Snowman.  He has a license to chill.

Would you call the offspring of a Snowman, his Chill-dren?

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Some people spend their entire lives seeing the snow without ever seeing the magic in the existence of one snowflake.” ~ Emily Littlejohn 

You’ve Got Three Minutes

It was sad to learn last week of the passing of the Father of one of my childhood friends. Mr. Earl Collier was a fairly big man who seemed even larger when I was young. He had two sons, Jim who was the age of my older brother Mike and Rick who was a year behind me in school. We used to play football in his yard, Rick, Chuck (Rick’s cousin who was my age and lived behind the Collier’s) and me against Jim and my brother. We came home covered in mud many times after those football games.

However, my most vivid memory of Mr. Collier is related to baseball. Jim and Mike had taken Rick and I to the Little League fields behind Hara Arena for some extra practice, I think it was on a Sunday afternoon in the days long before cell phones. The four of us were out on the field and I am sure Jim and Mike were teaching Rick and me the finer points of the game and we were the only ones out there that afternoon.

In the midst of our fun, we see a car approaching, it kicked up some dust as it moved from the paved Hara Arena parking lot to the gravel parking lot of the Shiloh-Ft. McKinley Little League. As the car got closer we could recognize it as Mr. Collier’s vehicle. The car stopped at the end of the gravel lot, out beyond the outfield while we were around Homeplate.

Apparently Jim and Rick were expected back home at a certain time and that time had passed. I can still see Mr. Collier getting out of the vehicle, looking towards us and bellowing, “You’ve got three minutes to get home and two of them are already gone!”

Mr. Collier got back in the car and left as quickly as he came and, needless to say Jim and Rick scurried as quickly as they could back home.

Friday Funny December 31, 2021, I See Jokes In Your Future

As we come to the end of another year, allow me to wish you a very Happy New Year! Thank you for allowing me to share a little humor with you this past year and I hope you will allow me to continue to do so in 2022.

Enjoy!

As I wrapped up the last workday of 2021, I was feeling bad about the future, then I installed the new version of Office and it improved my Outlook.

So, The Past, Present, and Future all walk into a bar, things got  pretty tense.

Did you know if you drink the fluid from a magic 8 ball you can see the future? Really, I read about a guy who did it once and he said he was going to die and then he did.

I was thinking today about a future where humanity has no choice but to leave earth. It was unsettling.

I am convinced that Highlighter pens will be very important in the future.  Mark my words.

I read that glass coffins will be popular in future.  Remains to be seen.

If I had a DeLorean, I do not think I would use it every day, I would probably only drive it from time to time.

If, in the future, a robot decided to avoid eliminating its target for as long as possible, would that be a Procrastinator?

A friend convinced me that one can use ketchup to tell the future.  In Heinz-sight I should have known better.

I told my grandson that he should be a cement contractor. Now there is a field that has a solid future.

If you travel to the future and get decapitated there, would you be ahead of your time?

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“The future ain’t what it used to be.” ~ Yogi Berra

The Night Before Christmas In The Digital Age

Merry Christmas Eve! Wishing you and yours a very Merry Christmas!

Since this Friday is Christmas Eve, I thought I would dust this one off yet again.  So, again, with apologies Clement Clarke Moore, here is my adaptation of his classic for the digital age.

Enjoy!

‘Twas the day before Christmas, when at my house

I was at the computer, moving the mouse;

It was time for another Friday Funny, does anyone care

If in the morning, the email inbox has a funny there?

Two of my boys were still nestled all snug in their beds,

While visions of homemade cookies danced in their heads;

While mamma was working, I was off for the day,

It seemed like there was nothing funny for me to say,

When out on the Internet there arose such a clatter,

I sprang to my browser to see what was the matter.

Away to another window I flew like a flash,

Hoping as always that my computer would not crash.

The back-lighting of the monitor produced a glow

Which gave a slight luster to objects below,

As I wondered from web site to web site what should appear,

But a miniature sleigh jpg, complete with reindeer,

With a little driver icon, so lively and quick, I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.

More rapid than dsl downloads his cursers they came,

And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;

“Now, Yahoo! now, Google! now, Facebook and Amazon!

On, ebay! on youtube! on, myspace and ask.com!

To the top of the screen! to the top of the wall!

Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!”

As deleted lines that before the backspace button fly,

When they meet with a click, mount to the sky,

So up to the screen-top the cursers they flew,

With a file full of toys, and St. Nicholas too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the speaker

The prancing and pawing of each little squeaker.

As I drew in my hand, and was scrolling around,

Downloading an mpeg, St. Nicholas came with a bound.

He was digitally dressed from his head to his foot,

And his clothes were photo-shopped with ashes and soot;

A bundle of toys he had superimposed on his back,

And he looked like a Trojan file just opening his pack.

His eyes — they pulsated! his dimples they grew!

His cheeks had roses painted on them, his nose was blue!

His droll little mouth transfigured to a bow,

And the beard of his chin turned into white snow;

His pipe was a tree stump he held tight in his teeth,

And the smoke wafted up and became a green wreath;

He had a broad face and a little round belly,

That shook, when he laughed and turned into jelly.

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,

And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;

Two winking eyes and a fast spinning head,

Soon gave me to know I had no virus to dread;

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,

He backed up my hard drive; then turned with a jerk,

And laying his finger aside of his nose,

And giving a nod, up the window he rose;

He sprang to his jpg, to his team gave a whistle,

And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.

But I heard him exclaim, ere he deleted his cookie from sight,

“Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.”

© 2019 LeonardsLines.com

I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day

This one is a “rerun” but still very appropriate.

At this time of the year, we are bombarded by holiday music.  Some stations have had Christmas music nonstop since the end of November.  Perhaps, like me, you find yourself singing along once in a while with one of your favorites.  Perhaps certain songs bring back a special Christmas memory.  Perhaps, by now, you have just become numb as all the songs have just blended into white noise in the background.

Yet, even though we cannot get away from the Holiday songs, do we really “hear” them?  Even though we might sing along with the lyrics, do we really “know” them?  One song comes to my mind today.  It is a song that you hear occasionally this time of year, “I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day.”  

These lyrics were written by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow on Christmas Day 1863.  He wrote at a time that this country was torn by Civil War and just several weeks after his son had been severely wounded in the war.  He wrote it not too long after he had lost his wife in an accidental fire.  Mr. Wadsworth’s world was not full of candy canes and gum drops, it was full of hurt and pain just like the world that we live in.  Yet, he did not let his gloom get the best of him, he struggled on until he could hear those “bells peal more loud and deep.”  This Christmas Eve my wish to you is that you might hear “a voice, a chime, a chant sublime, Of peace on earth, good will to men.”

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day
Their old familiar carols play,
And wild and sweet the words repeat
Of peace on earth, good will to men.

I thought how, as the day had come,
The belfries of all Christendom
Had rolled along the unbroken song
Of peace on earth, good will to men.

And in despair I bowed my head:
“There is no peace on earth,” I said,
“For hate is strong and mocks the song
Of peace on earth, good will to men.”

Then pealed the bells more loud and deep:
“God is not dead, nor doth he sleep;
The wrong shall fail, the right prevail,
With peace on earth, good will to men.”

Till, ringing singing, on its way,
The world revolved from night to day,
A voice, a chime, a chant sublime,
Of peace on earth, good will to men!

Friday Funny December 17, 2021 Short Christmas Jokes

Happy Friday!  Christmas is fast approaching and 2021 is drawing to a close.  This week I have some Christmas jokes wrapped up especially for you.

Enjoy!

Is it true that at sleepovers reindeer like to play truth or deer?

Is it true that the present Rudolph wants most for Christmas is a pony sleigh station?

Is it true that if you eat Christmas decorations you will get tinsel-it-is?

Is it true that to avoid Covid this Christmas you should wash your hands frequently with Santatizer?

Is it true that after the first two Wise Men presented their gifts, the third one said, “But wait, there’s myrrh?”

Is it true that Santa is good at karate and has a black belt to prove it?

Is it true that the Christmas tree went to the barber because it needed to be trimmed?

Is it true that Santa Claus got a parking ticket on Christmas Eve for leaving his sleigh in a snow parking zone?

Would you call a search engine that singes Christmas songs Michel Googlé?

If someone has lost their Christmas spirit should you try to nurse them back to elf?

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn’t before. What if Christmas, he thought, doesn’t come from a store. What if Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more.” ~ Dr. Seuss