Author Archives: Leonard

Friday Funny May 15, 2018 Air Travel Jokes

Happy Friday!  I was traveling for some training this week and ended up spending one more night in Chicago than I intended thanks to a flight crenelation. It has been said we have to laugh to keep from crying sometimes, so I tried to laugh and the result is this week’s funny.

Enjoy!

An airplane was flying from LA to New York. About an hour into the flight, the pilot announced, “Unfortunately, we have lost an engine, but there is no need to worry, the other three are working properly. However, this will add an hour to our flight.”

A bit later, the pilot announces, “If I can have your attention again, unfortunately, a second engine has failed, still no need to worry.  We have two good engines; it will just add another hour to our flight.”

After about an hour, the pilot announces again, “This is quite unusual, but a third engine had died. Once again, there is no need to fear.  We have one good engine and we can make it to our destination with only one engine.  However, it sill add another hour to our flight.”

At this point, one passenger turned to his seat-mate and said, “Gee, I hope we don’t lose that last engine, or we’ll be up here all day!”

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A place was taxiing down the tarmac, preparing for takeoff when it abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, “What was the problem?”

“The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine,” explained the flight attendant, “and it took us a while to find a new pilot.”

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A man walks up to the counter at the airport. “Can I help you?” asks the agent.

“I want a round trip ticket,” says the man.

“Where to?” asks the agent.

“Well, I wanted to come right back to here.”

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As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that precise moment to throw a loud and prolonged temper-tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.

From the back of the plane, an distinguished, older man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy’s ear.

To everyone’s amazement, the boy calms down. Then the boy gently takes his mother’s hand and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers are amazed and a bit bewildered.

As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the flight attendants touches his sleeve. “Excuse me, General,” she asks quietly, “but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?”

The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, “I showed him my pilot’s wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any flight I choose.”

Thought for the Week

No one realizes how beautiful it is to travel until he comes home and rests his head on his old, familiar pillow.  ~Lin Yutang

http://www.quotegarden.com

 

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Friday Funny May 10, 2019 Vacation Jokes

Happy Friday!  We all enjoy a few days off and I was off last week for vacation.  But now it is back to the grind and back to the Friday Funny!  So, here are a few vacation jokes.

Enjoy!

Two Ohioans go on a fishing trip for vacation. They rent all the equipment – the reels, the rods, waders, rowboat, car, and even a cabin in the woods. The first day they go fishing, but they don’t catch anything.  The second day they go fishing, but they don’t catch anything.  The third day they go fishing, but they don’t catch anything.  This goes on until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches one small fish. As they are driving home they are really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, “Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred bucks?” The other guy replies, “Gee, it’s a good thing we didn’t catch any more!”
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As a cruise ship is passing a nearby island, one of the passengers sees a man standing by a large brush fire and waving at them.  The Captain just happened to be standing nearby.  The passenger asks the Captain, “Who is that guy?” “I don’t know,” says the captain, “but every time we pass by this way he gets excited.”

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Is it true that mummies do not take vacations because they are afraid they will relax and unwind?

Is it true that robots go on summer vacation because they need to recharge their batteries?

Did the librarian get kicked off the plane because it was overbooked?

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A man went on a long anticipated vacations to a tropical island.  He settles into his room  and begins to hear drums. He goes to the beach and still he hears the drums.  He goes to a restaurant for lunch and continues to hear drums!  That night he tries in vain to sleep because he continues to hear the drums!! Finally he storms over to the manager. “I’ve had it! Can’t you stop those drums?” he begs.

“No!” says the manager. “It’s very bad if the drums stop.”

“Why?”

“When the drums stop, the bass solo begins…

Thought for the Week

No vacation goes unpunished.  ~Karl Hakkarainen

www.quotegasrden.com

 

Friday Funny April 26, 2019 Jokes That Make The World Go ‘Round

Happy Friday!  No matter where you are, you are there.  Ponder that for a moment as well as some geography related jokes.

Enjoy!

It is clear,” said the teacher, “that you haven’t studied your geography. What’s your excuse?”  “Well,” the student replied, “my dad says the world is changing every day. So I decided to wait until it settles down!”

Teacher: Where is the English Channel?
Student: I don’t know – it is not in my cable package.

Teacher: What did the sea say to the shore?

Student: Nothing, it just waved!

Teacher: How do mountains see?

Student: They peak!

Teacher: What kind of maps do spiders make?

Student: Web-based maps. 

Would you call the small rivers that run into the Nile – juve-niles?

Is the Mississippi unusual because it has four eyes but cannot see?

Is it true that tectonic relationships are difficult because there is just too much friction even though it is no one’s fault?!

Mountains aren’t just funny………. they are HILL AREAS!

Plateaus: the highest form of flattery.

I was reading a new proposal being considered by ICE.  They are considering deporting retired persons instead of illegal aliens.  It turns out that retirees are much easier to catch. Plus, they rarely can remember how to get back home.

Thought for the Week

If you’re being run out-of-town, get in front of the crowd and make it look like a parade. ~Author Unknown

http://www.quotegarden.com

Friday Funny April 19, 2019 The Whole Hog

Happy Friday! Happy Easter! Happy Passover!  Wishing you a good weekend.  Here are some pig jokes to chew on while you want for that Easter ham.

Enjoy!

Would the smartest pig in the world be Ein-swine? 

Would you take a sick pig to the hospital in a hambulance?

If you cross a pig with a dinosaur would you get Jurassic Pork?

Would you call a pig with no legs a groundhog?

Would you say a pig with laryngitis was disgruntled?

Do pigs write secret messages using invisible oink?

If you put a pig in a musical would it squeal the show?

Is it true that a pig’s favorite Shakespearean play is Hamlet?

Is it true that pigs are not good in track and field because they tend to pull their ham strings?

Did you hear about the pig that went to Las Vegas to play the slop machines?

Can you fit more pigs on a farm by putting them in a sty-scraper!

Would you call pigs in a demolition derby crashing boars?

Thought for the Week

For I remember it is Easter morn,
And life and love and peace are all new born.
~Alice Freeman Palmer

http://www.quotegarden.com

Friday Funny April 12, 2019 Back In My Day

Happy Friday!  It must be spring – baseball is underway and I have cut the grass.  The days are longer and I am enjoying it!  Even when things are going well, we are tempted to look back at times when things were simpler and, at least in our eyes, not quite as easy as they are today.  Enjoy!

Back in my day, tweeting was for the birds.

Back in my day, we did not have cell phone we had two tin cans and some string.

Back in my day, we had to get up in order to change the channel on the television.

Back in my day, songs had lyrics that did not have to be bleeped out.

Back in my day, we had pet rocks.

Back in my day, Mom did not text you when dinner was ready, she would just stand on the front porch and scream for you to come home.

Back in my day, we did not have the Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the library and look it up in a book.

Back in my day, we had one phone in the house.  It was black, attached to the wall and had a dial you had to spin.

Back in my day, you had to actually pay to make a long-distance telephone call.

Back in my day, we did not have email. We had to actually write somebody a letter, with a pen and paper. Then you had to put it in the mailbox and wait a week to ten days for a response.

Back in my day, we had tablets, they were made of stone and had commandments written on them.

Thought for the Week

Nostalgia is like a grammar lesson: you find the present tense, but the past perfect! ~Owens Lee Pomeroy

http://www.quotegarden.com

Odd Song Lyrics from the 1970’s – MacArthur Park

Musically I am and probably always will be stuck in the 1970’s.  It is the soundtrack of my youth.  The 1970’s had a lot of good songs and a lot of bad songs.  But if you remember “American Bandstand” they all “had a good beat, I’ll give it an 85…”

The 1970’s gave us disco and many may never forgive the decade for that.  “MacArthur Park” was a song originally released in 1968 by Richard Harris which  peaked at number two on the Billboard Hot 100 chart.  In 1978, Donna Summer re-released it with a disco beat and made it to number 1 on the Billboard chart.

Here is a portion of the lyrics:

Someone left the cake out in the rain
I don’t think that I can take it
’cause it took so long to bake it
And I’ll never have that recipe again
Oh, nooooo

Several questions come to mind:

  1. Why was the cake left out in the rain?  Who leaves a cake in the rain? Why didn’t she put it in a Tupperware cake container?
  2. Why did this cake that much longer to bake than a normal cake? Was it extra big?  Was it extra fluffy?
  3. Why will she never have that recipe again?  Why didn’t she write it down? (Today, I am certain she could find that recipe on the internet!)
  4. Taking us back to #1 above – if this was such a special cake that took an extraordinarily long time to bake with a once in a lifetime recipe, shouldn’t she have taken note of the weather forecast and made sure that it was not left out in the rain?

The song had a good beat, I will give it an 85, but inquiring minds want to know.

 

Friday Funny April 5, 2019 Hey Buddy Have I Got a Joke for You!

Happy Friday! It is beginning to feel like spring really is in the air!  This week I thought I would share a few sales related jokes.

Enjoy!

A lady was shopping for as new vacuum cleaner.  The salesmen told her that the new model would cut her work in half, so she bought two.

Always trust a glue salesperson. They tend to stick to their word.

Did you hear about the guy who lost his job selling amplifiers because he did not have sufficient volume of sales.

Salesman: Would you like to buy a pocket calculator? Customer: No, thanks. I know how many pockets I have.

What do you have to know to be a successful real estate salesman? Lots!

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A man walks into a shoe store and tries on a pair of shoes. “How do they feel?” asks the sales clerk. 

“Well they feel a bit tight,” replies the man. 

The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and at the man’s feet. “Try pulling the tongue out,” the clerk says. 

“Well, theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth.”

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One day Bob was sitting in his apartment when his doorbell unexpectedly rang. He answered the door and found a salesman standing on his porch with a strange object. “What is that?” Bob asked. 

“It’s a thermos,” the salesman replied. 

“What does it do?” asked Bob. 

“Well, this baby,” the salesman said, “is amazing, it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.” 

This seemed like a great gadget to Bob and he bought one, thinking it would be ideal to take his lunch to work. The next day he arrived at the plant where and sure enough, all the other employees were curious about his new object. “What is it?” they asked. 

“It’s a thermos,” Bob replied. 

“What does it do?” they asked. 

“Well,” Bob told them in a bragging manner, “It is amazing, it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.” 

“Neat, what do you have in it?” 

To which Bob replies, “Two cups of coffee and a Popsicle.”

Thought for the Week

Life is amazingly good when it’s simple and amazingly simple when it’s good. ~Terri Guillemets

http://www.quotegarden.com