Author Archives: Leonard

Friday Funny December 2, 2022 Holiday Questions & Answers

Happy Friday!  Yes, we are now in December and that means it is time to dust off the first round of Holiday Jokes.

Enjoy!

Q. Why did the guy fall into the Christmas pudding? A. He was pulled in by a strong currant.

Q. Why are Christmas Trees bad at knitting? A. They drop all their needles.

Q. What did the car say to the dreidel?
A. Want to go for a spin?

Q. What do you get if you cross a snowman and a baker?
A. Frosty the Doughman.

Q. What is a zombie’s favorite holiday beverage?
A. Egg noggin.

Q: What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
A: An abdominal snowman.

Q. What did the peanut butter say to the grape on Christmas?
A: ‘Tis the season to be jelly!

Q: What’s a sheep’s favorite Christmas song?
A: Fleece Navidad.

Q: What do you call a bankrupt Santa?
A: Saint Nickel-less.

Q: What’s red and white and falls down chimneys?
A: Santa Klutz.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“You know you’re getting old when Santa starts looking younger.” ~ Robert Paul

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Friday Funny November 25, 2022 The 12 Days of Thanksgiving

Happy Black Friday! I hope you had a good Thanksgiving Day. Although we are in the midst of uncertain times, there is still much to be thankful for as we enter this holiday season.  

It is a little different Thanksgiving at my house. It was quiet yesterday and family is coming today. So while you are munching on leftovers, I will be on my first round of turkey today. Speaking of leftovers- here is something that has been circulating the internet for a number of years that shows there is a limit to how long one can be thankful for turkey. I thought it would be good to send it around again.

Enjoy!

On the First Day….. We give thanks for the fresh turkey feast and its hot trimmings.

On the Second Day….. We bless the cold turkey sandwiches, sloshy cranberry sauce, and hard rolls.

On the Third Day….. We praise the turkey pie and vintage mixed veggies.

On the Fourth Day….. We thank the pilgrims for not serving bison that first time, or we’d be celebrating Thanksgiving until April.

On the Fifth Day….. We gobble up cubed bird casserole and pray for a glimpse of a bare turkey carcass.

On the Sixth Day….. We show gratitude (sort of) to the creative cook who add cashews and noodles to the turkey and calls it Oriental.

On the Seventh Day….. We forgive our forefathers and pass the turkey-nugget pizza.

On the Eighth Day….. The word ”vegetarian” keeps popping into our heads.

On the Ninth Day….. We check our hair to make sure we’re not beginning to sprout feathers.

On the Tenth Day….. We hope that the wing meat kabobs catch fire under the broiler.

On the Eleventh Day….. We smile over the creamed gizzard because the thigh bones are in sight.

On the Twelfth Day….. We apologize for running out of turkey leftovers. And everybody says, “Amen!”

Thought for the Week

For each new morning with its light,
For rest and shelter of the night,
For health and food,
For love and friends,
For everything Thy goodness sends.
Father in heaven,
We thank thee.

~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Friday Funny November 18, 2022 Thanksgiving Jokes

Happy Friday!  We are less than a week away from Thanksgiving, so I have pulled out some Thanksgiving jokes out of the freezer.

Enjoy!

If your turkey’s seasoning tastes a little off this year it might be because you ran out of thyme.

What did the leftover turkey say? Make me a sandwich.

If pilgrims traveled on the Mayflower, do college students travel on Scholar-ships?

What did Han Solo say to Luke Skywalker on Thanksgiving? “May the forks be with you.”

Is it true that turkeys gobble because they never learned table manners?

Last Thanksgiving, I was stopped by a policeman on my way home, apparently, I was exceeding the feed limit.

Was the smallest unit of measurement used on the Mayflower a Pil-gram?

Is it true that the turkey crossed the road because he wanted people to think he was a chicken?

Is it true that a turkey’s favorite dessert is Peach gobbler?

I you wanted to know how old a Pilgrim is would you ask him about his “Pilgrimage”?

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Reflect upon your present blessings — of which every man has many — not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some.” ~ Charles Dickens

Friday Funny November 11, 2022 Military Jokes for Veterans Day

Happy Friday and a special Happy Veterans Day to all those who have served!

Enjoy!

You know that a veteran has been making chocolate chips cookies when you find a find a lot of M&M shells on the floor.

Is it true that when a veteran cooks dinner that he seasons the food with pepper spray and a salt rifle?

If a cow joined the army would they issue her a cow-moo-flage uniform?

If the military developed a new weapon-grade variety of laser would it be an ultra-violent light?

Is it true that you cannot be in the military if you are on Twitter because they do not want people who are quick to retweet?

Where do Generals keep their armies? In their sleevies.

Would you call a high-ranking soldier who hates recycling General Waste?

If a deer enlisted in the Air Force would he be a Bombar(deer)?

Did you hear about the professional artist who was discharged from the Marines?  It seems the only thing he could do was draw fire.

What do Marines have in common with other members of the Armed Forces? They all originally set out to become Marines.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“The soldier above all others prays for peace, for it is the soldier who must suffer and bear the deepest wounds and scars of war.” — General Douglas MacArthur

Friday Funny November 4, 2022 More Dad Jokes

Happy Friday! Here are some Dad Joke’s for you to ponder as you mucnh on the leftover Halloween candy this weekend,

Enjoy!

It seems like I only get sick on weekdays. I wonder if I have a weekend immune system.

If I ever find the doctor who messed up my limb replacement surgery, I think I will strangle him with my bear hands.

I heard that it is pretty easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but a lot harder to deter gents.

Last week I found a wooden shoe in my toilet. It was clogged.

I once had a girl break up with me because of my obsession with pasta. It left me feeling cannelloni for a long time.

My boss was upset with me for downloading the entire Wikipedia.  I said, “Wait! I can explain everything!”

I think I am obsessed with collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help.

I do not mean to brag, but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory.

I remember when I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Unfortunately, it turns out that identity theft is a crime.

When I took calculus, I had to sit between identical twins. I found it very difficult to differentiate between them.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“The man who makes no mistakes does not usually make anything. “~Edward John Phelps, 1889

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Friday Funny October 28, 2022 Even More Halloween Jokes

Happy Friday! Trick or Treat is almost upon us, so get that bowl of candy ready and keep an eye out for The Great Pumpkin.

Enjoy!

Do you know you have been ghosted when the poltergeist does not text you back.\?

When a ghost mom puts her kids in a car does she remind them to fasten their sheet-belts

Did you hear about the mummy who was kicked out the the witch’s school because it could not spell?

Would you call a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts a Pharaoh Roche?

Is it true that a vampire’s favorite ice cream flavor is vein-illa.?

Did you hear about the skeleton beauty contest? No body won.

Did you hear about the skeleton who went to the new night club in town because he heard it was a hip joint?

If witches wear shoes that are too tight do they get candy corns?

Is it true that girl ghosts go on diets so they can keep their ghoulish figures?

Is it true that werewolves never know what time it is because they are not  whenwolves?

Did you hear about the pumpkin preacher? He spoke from the pulp-it.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“There is a child in every one of us who is still a trick-or-treater looking for a brightly-lit front porch.” —Robert Brault

Friday Funny October 21, 2022 Jokes You Need Not Fear.

Happy Friday!  We are starting to see a lot of spooky decorations on houses and horror movies on TV, but here are some jokes that you have no need to fear.

Enjoy!

If you have an irrational fear of Vietnamese soup, is that a Pho-bia?

If you have an irrational fear of Giants, do you have Fi Fo-bia?

If you have an irrational fear of overengineered buildings arranged near each other is that a complex complex complex?

I have developed an irrational fear of agoraphobics. Fortunately, I don’t see them out that much.

I have developed an irrational fear of elevators and I am taking steps to avoid them.

I have developed an irrational fear of airline boarding queues, it appears to be a terminal illness.

I have developed an irrational fear of playing cards, but I a dealing with it.

I have developed an irrational fear of negative numbers and I will stop at nothing to avoid them.

I have developed an irrational fear about this recession and I fear that I may go bald.

I was hesitant to send out a bunch of phobia jokes, I was afraid no one would think they were funny.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“I’m not afraid of storms, for I’m learning how to sail my ship.”~-Louisa May Alcott

Friday Funny October 14, 2022 Jokes That Mean Business

Happy Friday!  It looks like fall has started to arrive with the leaves changing colors and starting to fall.  As we wrap up another work week, here are some work-related jokes.

Enjoy!

My boss tasked me with setting up the company’s 401k. I am pretty nervous about it; I do not think I can run that far.

My boss told me that he expects me to be on call 24/7. No big deal, the 24th of July is nine months away.

My boss asked if I could perform under pressure. I said, “No, but I can do a pretty mean Bohemian Rhapsody”

My boss doesn’t tolerate any beards or mustaches. He’s a real shave driver.

My boss said he races horses. I said, “Wow, you must be a really fast runner!”

When I arrived at work this morning, my boss handed me a brochure on anger management. I just lost it.

I bought my boss some maracas for Christmas. He keeps talking about how he wants to shake things up.

I got fired from my job at the coffee factory. My boss said it was because I had no filter.

I told my boss that I was tired of being a human cannonball.  Then he fired me. I wonder how long it will take them to find a replacement of my caliber?

I recently quit my job to start a cloning business and it’s been great; I love being my own boss.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“You will never stub your toe standing still. The faster you go, the more chance there is of stubbing your toe, but the more chance you have of getting somewhere.” ~ Charles Kettering

Friday Funny, October 7, 2022 More Fall Jokes

Happy Friday!  Fall is in air as the temperature cools and the leaves are beginning to change. Here are a few crisp jokes to kick off your weekend.

Enjoy!

If a tree takes a week of vacation in the fall, would it be called paid leaf?

Did you hear about the pumpkin that lost the boxing match? Seems he let his gourd down.

Is it true that trees hate going to school in the fall because they are easily stumped?

Is the best band to listen to in autumn The Pumpkin Spice Girls?

The other day I went to an apple library and I was reminded to talk with my in-cider voice.

I heard that Voltaire’s favorite dessert was Candide apples.

If you hunt wild boar in the fall, is it best to use an autumn-atic rifle?

I always carry a stone with me that I use to throw at people who play Christmas music in October.  I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.

I signed up to be part of a clinical trial to be done in October, it might be a trick or treatment.

October 10th promises to be a great day – 10/10

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“It’s the first day of autumn! A time of hot chocolatey mornings, and toasty marshmallow evenings, and, best of all, leaping into leaves!” ~ Winnie The Pooh

Friday Funny September 30, 2022 Jokes Good Enough for Government.

Happy Friday! I was out last week visiting Washington, DC, seeing the museums and monuments.  I am back with some government inspired Friday Funnies.

Enjoy!

Last week I learned that Washington, DC has more museums than Starbucks and McDonald’s combined.  Starbucks and McDonald’s have a combined total of 0 museums.

Congressman should wear uniforms like NASCAR drivers so we can identify their corporate sponsors.

Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.

A politician will find an excuse to get out of anything except office.

Is it true that when the President pushes the big red button, Chuck Norris’s cell phone rings?

If I could start a Non-Government-Organization, I would call it B.I.  That would be its Name-O.

My wife asked me, “If you could have any super-power, which one would you have?”  I said, “America.”

Putin’s government is kind of like Microsoft Edge, You can’t uninstall either.

I read a story about some mute pigeons that unsuccessfully tried to overthrow the government, apparently it was a failed coo.

I know this guy who hates candles, he thinks they were created as part of some government conspiracy.  He is a real anti-waxer.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.” ~ Groucho Marx