Author Archives: Leonard

Friday Funny September 20, 2019 Garage Sale-ing

Happy Friday! As the end of summer draws near, it is a great time to get rid of some of that stuff that has been taking up space in the basement (and magically growing!) by having a garage sale. (My wife has planned for this weekend.) After a garage sales way back in 1990, I started thinking, always a questionable activity for me, I put my thoughts into words and even managed to have it published in the local newspaper in Evansville where I worked at the time.  I did manage to make the front page of the same paper doing a lizard impersonation but that is a story for another day.  This week I have dusted off the garage sale piece just for you..

Enjoy!

Garage Sale-ing

Along with the warm evenings, cookouts and baseball games, summer brings garage sale-ing.

The object of the garage sale is to try to get someone else to actually give you money for the junk that you are ready to throw away. You go through the boxes that have been collecting dust and feeding moths for the last five years and you display it in the garage, or on the porch, or in the yard in hopes that someone will happen by who actually wants it.

I have been to a few garage sales and I have actually found a few good deals, but recently we decided to have our own sale. Believe me, there is a big difference between going to a garage sale and holding your own.

The process of determining what treasures would actually be offered provided some interesting discussion between my wife, who does not find sentimental value of much use, hence was willing to sell our wedding album, and myself, a packrat who can find a reason for keeping my third grade spelling test. But, with give and take, we survived the process (I gave and she took it).

One of the essential ingredients for a successful garage sale is the classified ad. In the ad, you put all the vital information: any special items you have, your address and the times for the sale. It is important to put the time in so that people will know to come two hours early and get you out of bed to allow them to have first shot at the treasures you’re willing to part with. I’m concerned about people who have nothing better to do than go to garage sales at 5:30 in the morning.

Now you’re outside, half-awake, half-dressed and still waiting for your first cup of coffee. The fun begins! People you do not even know, total strangers seeking bargains from your outdoor bonanza, pull up, get out of the car and start rummaging through your personal belonging. I would have never thought that this could happen in America.

They look at your clothes, your furniture, your comic books you’ve taken care of for twenty years, and haggle over the price. It is like they are judging every detail of your life. The articles people purchase are interesting.

Generally you can sell anything that is broken: small appliances, toys, lawn mowers, you name it. But if it is in good condition, they will be skeptical. Clothes tend to do well. Someone will come who is three times your size, hold up your clothes to see if they fit and still buy them. People will pour over items searching diligently for any type of break or imperfection before they are willing to invest one dollar in a picture frame you paid $10 for, but never used. The sale can be a dangerous time for small children. Every time they venture out of the house, someone will grab a toy out of their little hand and offer you 50 cents.

And the day drags on. You fight off the hot sun; you fight off the bugs and at times you fight off your customers. You watch people trample your flowers and listen to them complain about your prices. You see them carry off a piece of your life.

When it is all over, you count up your money, subtract the price of the ad, divide by the number of hours worked, and you realize you made about 37 cents an hour for all the effort. Yet, you’re proud to be a part of the free enterprise system. The sale is over and a lot of your junk is gone, probably destined to show up at someone else’s garage sale in the future.

In a strange way, I even enjoyed it. I realized I can part with a few things and survive and just maybe some of that junk might actually do someone else some good. My wife even let me keep our wedding album, but I had to buy it at the garage sale.

Happy Sale-ing!

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Ashes to ashes.  Garage sale to garage sale.” ~ John Green

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Friday Funny September 13, 2019 A Double Dose of Humor

Ha

Happy Friday the 13th!  Let’s kick the day off with a pair of jokes.

Enjoy!

I recently came across a rather interesting insight into the life and trials of Mahatma Ghandi.  As I am sue you are aware, Ghandi was widely recognized as a political and spiritual leader in India and around the world. 

Much of his travel was done very simply by walking barefoot.  All the walking resulted in very think and hard skin on the soles of his feet,  He also went on many hunger strikes during his life to protest the conditions of his people.  These repeated hunger strikes took a toll on his health to the point that he became quite thin and frail. Furthermore, due to his strict diet, he wound up with very bad breath.

So, all this leads us to conclude a little known fact that Ghandi became a super-calloused fragile mystic vexed by halitosis!, (Don’t you feel better for knowing that?)

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Our recent vacation included some air travel and we all know what an ordeal air travel can be.  While we were making our way through the TSA checkpoints at CVG we were behind an individual who turned out to be a public school teacher.  As his bag was being examined they noticed that included in his carry-on bag was a compass, a protractor, and a graphing calculator.  This caused a lot of concern for the TSA agents.  Several of them took him aside and began to question him.  It appears that they suspected that he might be a member of the notorious Al-Gebra group.  I heard they were planning on charging hi with trying to transport weapons of math instruction.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“If God had really intended men to fly, he’d make it easier to get to the airport.”  ~George Winters

http://WWW.QUOTEGARDEN.COM

Friday Funny September 6, 2019 Mindset of the Class of 2023

Happy September!  Labor Day has come and gone.  The days are getting a little shorter, a little cooler and school is back in session.  Which means it is time once again to be reminded of old I am getting, It is time for the annual “Mindset List” that notes events that have shaped the incoming freshman class, the class of 2023.  The list has a new home this year with Marist College and the full list can be found at   https://www.marist.edu/mindset-list. Most of the incoming freshman this year were born in 2001 which right there makes me feel old, these kids were not even born in the same millennium that I was.  I took a tour through the list and here are my twenty favorite items.

Enjoy!

  • Like Pearl Harbor for their grandparents, and the Kennedy assassination for their parents, 9/11 is an historical event. 
  • Thumb, jump, and USB flash drives have always pushed floppy disks further into history.
  • The primary use of a phone has always been to take pictures.
  • The Tech Big Four–Apple, Facebook, Amazon and Google — are to them what the Big Three automakers were to their grandparents.
  • They have outlived iTunes.
  • The Mars Odyssey has always been checking out the water supply for their future visits to Mars.
  • Snapchat has become their social media app of choice, thus relieving them of the dilemma of whether or not to friend Mom.    
  • PayPal has always been an online option for purchasers.
  • Segways have always been trying to revolutionize the way people move. 
  • Apple iPods have always been nostalgic.
  • Quarterback Troy Aikman has always called the plays live from the press booth.
  • Except for when he celebrated Jeopardy’s 35th anniversary, Alex Trebek has never had a mustache.
  • They have grown up with Big Data and ubiquitous algorithms that know what they want before they do.
  • Most of them will rent, not buy, their textbooks. 
  • Their grandparents’ classic comics have evolved into graphic novels.
  • Pittsburgh’s Steelers and Pirates have never played at Three Rivers Stadium.
  • Blackboards have never been dumb.
  • Cal Ripken, Jr., has always been retired.
  • Teams have always been engaged in an Amazing Race around the world.  
  • Coke and Pepsi have always been competing in the sports hydration science marketplace.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Children must be taught how to think, not what to think.” ~ Margaret Mead

 

Friday Funny August 30, 2019 That Town Was So Small

Happy Friday!  Happy Labor Day Weekend! Hopefully you were able to get out and go somewhere over the summer for a little vacation break.  Travel often takes through a variety of places including some small towns.  How small?  I am glad you asked.

Enjoy!

Baskin-Robbins only has three ice cream flavors.

You had to step out of the city limits in order to change your mind.

The nickname for the city jail is amoeba because it only has one cell.

McDonalds only has one Golden Arch and the nearest one is 15 miles away.

Instead of a 7-11 they have a 3.5 – 5.5.

The New Year’s baby was born in April.

The “Welcome To” and “Thanks for Visiting “ signs are frnt and back of the same sign.

You have to go to the next town to find 2nd Street..

A “Night on the Town” only takes about ten minutes.

The Subway restaurant that serves foot-long sandwiches cannot fit within the city limits.

You do not bother using  signal turns because everyone already knows where you are going.

Big social events are scheduled around when the high school gym floor is being varnished.

You call a wrong number and the person who answers can give you the correct number for the person you are trying to call..

There is no point in high-school reunions because everyone knows what everyone else is doing anyway.

School gets canceled for state sporting events.

It was cool to date someone from a different high-school.

The golf course had only three holes.

Anyone you are looking for can be found at either the Dairy Queen or Wal-Mart.

Directions are given using the one ad only stop light as a reference.

Weekend excitement involves a trip to the grocery store.

Your teachers remember when they taught your parents.

The best burgers in town are at the four-lane bowling ally. 

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

The three horrors of modern life — talk without meaning, desire without love, work without satisfaction. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic’s Notebook, 1960

http://WWW.QUOTEGARDENM.COM

Friday Funny August 16, 2019 Jokes to Float Your Boat

Happy Friday!  We are coming into the home stretch of summer and that means many are using vacation time.  I hear a cruise is a nice vacation, so here are a few jokes to buoy your spirits.

Enjoy!

Do you have time for a joke about the world’s fastest cruise ship?  Don’t worry, it’s a quick one liner.

Is a zombie’s favorite activity on a cruise ship shuffleboard?

I hear the latest trend on cruise ships is to install trampolines in all the staterooms- apparently everyone is jumping on board.

You should you never start a conversation by talking about the Titanic.  It is a terrible ice breaker.

A passenger on a cruise ship calls the Purser’s desk and asks how he can get out of his cabin.
The Purser tells him to just open the door and walk out. The passengers replies that his cabin only has two doors. One door leads to the bathroom and the other has a “Do Not Disturb” sign on it.

A man is standing on a cruise ship deck, idly watching the water. On a nearby island, he spots somebody. He strains his eyes to see, and can make out that it is a very thin, dirty looking man with long, wild hair. He watches him jump up and down, wave, run along the beach and can even faintly make out that he man is yelling at the top of his lungs.

Intrigued, the Tourist turns to the Captain, who is standing nearby:

“So, what is up with that guy?”

The Captain shrugs. “I do not know, but he always seems pretty excited when we sail by.”

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same routine over and over again.However, the Captain had a parrot that saw the show every week and began to understand what the magician did in each and every trick. After a while, he started shouting in the middle of the show: 

“Squawk! Not the same hat!” 

“Squawk! Flowers under the table!” 

“Squawk! All cards Ace of Spades ?” 

The magician was furious but couldn’t do anything; it was the captain’s parrot, after all. 

One day the ship had an accident and sunk. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean, and of course the parrot was by his side. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for several days. 

After a week the parrot finally said: “Okay, I give up. What’d did you do with the ship??”

Thought for the Week

A vacation is what you take when you can no longer take what you’ve been taking. ~Earl Wilson

http://www.quotegarden.com

 

Friday Funny August 9, 2019 Memorable Commercial Slogans

Happy Friday!  This week I want to test your memory just a little bit.  See if you can recall the product that goes along with these classic commercial slogans.  Answers are at the bottom.

Enjoy! 

1.  A LITTLE DAB’LL DO YA  

2.  BE ALL YOU CAN BE

3.  BETCHA CAN’T EAT JUST ONE

4.  CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?

5.  DOES SHE…OR DOESN’T SHE?

6.  DON’T LEAVE HOME WITHOUT IT

7.  DOUBLE YOUR PLEASURE, DOUBLE YOUR FUN

8.  HAVE IT YOUR WAY

9.  GOOD TO THE LAST DROP

10.  I CAN’T BELIEVE I ATE THE WHOLE THING

11.  I LIKED IT SO MUCH, I BOUGHT THE COMPANY

12.  IT TAKES A LICKING AND KEEPS ON TICKING

13.  IT TAKES A TOUGH MAN TO MAKE A TENDER CHICKEN  

14.  IT’S THE REAL THING

15.  LET YOUR FINGERS DO THE WALKING

16.  LOOK MA, NO CAVITIES!

17.   PLOP, PLOP, FIZZ, FIZZ, OH WHAT A RELIEF IT IS

18.  PUT A TIGER IN YOUR TANK

19.  WE TRY HARDER

20.  WHEN YOU CARE ENOUGH TO SEND THE VERY BEST

21.  WHERE’S THE BEEF?

22.  TIME TO MAKE THE DOUGHNUTS

23.  STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN

24.  EVER EAT A PINE TREE?

25.  THEY’RE GR-R-R-R-EAT!

 

 

1.    Brylcreem

2.    The US Army

3.    Lays

4.     Verizon

5.    Clairol

6.     American Express

7.    Wrigley’s Doublemint

8.    Burger King

9.   Maxwell House

10.  Alka Seltzer

11.   Remington

12.  Timex

13.   Perdue

14.  Coca Cola

15.  Yellow Pages

16. Crest Toothpaste

17. Alka Seltzer

18. Esso/Exxon

19. Avis

20. Hallmark

21. Wendy’s

22. Dunkin’ Doughnuts

23. Secret

24. Post Grape Nuts

25. Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

The trouble with us in America isn’t that the poetry of life has turned to prose, but that it has turned to advertising copy. ~Louis Kronenberger

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Friday Funny August 2, 2019 Joke Potpourri

Happy Friday! Happy August!  Before summer completely slips away pause and enjoy a few jokes chosen especially for you.

Enjoy!!  

A woman had identical twins.  One of them was named ‘Amal’ and the other  was named ‘Juan.’  The father was excited and proud of both his sons; however, he only carried a picture of Juan with him to show to friends and family. One day a close friend mentioned that he would like to see a picture of Amal. The man responded, “they are identical twins. If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”

I went into a pet shop and asked for twelve bees. The shopkeeper counted out thirteen and handed them over.  “You’ve given me one too many,” I said.  He replied, “Well, that one is a freebie.”

I went to the library the other day and asked if they had any books about paranoia. The librarian glanced around and whispered “They’re right behind you.”

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick instead. She still isn’t talking to me.

I got my wife a new refrigerator  for her birthday. Her face lit up when she opened it.

Have you ever noticed that, if  you look really closely, all mirrors look like eyeballs?

I misplaced a mood ring I have had since the 1970’s and I am not quite sure how I feel about that.

I saw a story on the evening news where a cement mixer and a prison bus crashed on the highway. Police advised citizens to be on the lookout for a group of hardened criminals.

Would you call a monkey in a minefield a Baboom?

This woman went to see her doctor.  She appeared very worried stressed out. She tells the Doctor, “I don’t know what to do.  Take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What is WRONG with me??”  The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you one thing.  There is nothing wrong with your eyesight….”  

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

The sooner I fall behind, the more time I have to catch up. ~Author Unknown

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