Monthly Archives: April 2016

Friday Funny April 29, 2016 Prom Humor

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We are in the midst of prom season.  So, this Friday I thought we could go with a little prom related humor,  But first, here is a little tip as an added bonus.  Perhaps you really do not know your prom date that well and would like to get to know better before the big day.  Follow this simple plan:  just ask her ask about her first pet, her favorite movie & perhaps her mother’s maiden name.  With these few pieces of information, you can login and read all her emails!

Enjoy!

Who did the zombie take to the Prom?  His Ghoul-friend!

Here are a few songs you are probably hoping you will not be hearing at your prom:

“The Chicken Dance Song”

“Achy Breaky Heart”– Billy Ray Cyrus

“Who Let the Dogs Out?” – Baha Men

“Another One Bites the Dust” – Queen

“You’ve Got to Be Cruel to Be Kind” – Nick Lowe

“Everybody Was Kung Fu Fighting” – Carl Douglas

“Ain’t Gonna Bump No More (With No Big Fat Woman) – Joe Tex

A Prom Joke

A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom.

First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.

Next, he has to go pick up some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and wouldn’t you know it, there is another long line there. He waits for what seems like forever but eventually gets the flowers.

Now, it is onto the limo rental place. Of course, he is greeted by another long line at the rental office, but he tries his best to be patient and gets the job done.

Finally, the day of the prom comes. He and his date are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and ……….. there’s no punchline.

Thought for the Week

Adolescence is a period of rapid changes.  Between the ages of 12 and 17, for example, a parent ages as much as 20 years.  ~Author Unknown

http://www.quotegarden.com

 

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A Modest Promposal

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In your busy, hectic day-to-day life, you just might have not noticed when March 11 passed by.  What is so important about March 11 you ask? Well that was National Promposal Day, I promise that I did not make that up.  National Promposal Day was sponsored by Men’s Warehouse, who I am sure,  had only the best interests of today’s youth in mind and had no interest in gaining any profits from tux rentals for prom. Students who participated in National Promposal Day were encouraged to “share their epic promposal experiences throughout social media by using the hashtag #NationalPromposalDay.”

It is no longer sufficient for a nerdy, socially awkward, self-conscience guy to muster all the courage he has to ask a girl to prom (if that sounds like the voice of experience, well you might be correct).  No, no, no,  Now he must craft an elaborate and, of course, expensive way to ask.  Thus we now need a “national” day for such nonsense and March 11th was “officially established with the idea of getting the ultimate question asked.”  The ultimate question?? Really?  Guess a marriage proposal takes a back seat to a promposal, well the promposal might very well cost more than a marriage proposal.  No need to add any more pressure to the fear of rejection, one is no longer only emotionally invested, now one is financially invested in asking someone to prom.  

Visa tracks prom-related expenses in an annual nationwide survey and found the average American household with teenagers spent $324 on promposing.  (Please notice the wording – the “household” not the “teenager” spent the $324)

Can we please stop the madness!!!  It seems pretty obvious to me that this whole ordeal has gotten completely out of hand.  I am pretty sure that even on an inflation adjusted basis that I did not spend $324 on prom and I am certain that I would not have spent much if anything on a promposal.  (Why spend the money when you can enjoy all the fear of rejection for free??)

Here is my modest promposal.  Ask someone you really like to go to the prom.  Wait for a “yes” or a “no”.  If the answer is “yes”, you have a date.  If the answer is “no” you don’t.  As an added bonus, here is something to ponder – If the only reason she will say “yes” is because you blew over three hundred bucks on some extravagant way to ask –  newsflash – she probably does not really like you that much anyway.

I know I am old…. and cheap.  It has been said before that prom should be more about who you go with than how much was spent.  Perhaps it is not a coincidence that both my prom date and myself ended up as CPA’s.  Yet, I have a feeling that even if this crazy idea was around “back in the day”, I would have not succumbed to the madness.

Keep your $300 and thank me later.

Friday Funny April 22, 2016 Polly Wants A Joke

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Happy Friday!  Spring is in the air and tax day is behind us!  You don’t want a cracker, you want a joke or two.

Enjoy!

Movies

A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a parrot sitting next to him.

“Are you a parrot?” asked the man, surprised.

 “Yes.”

 “What are you doing at the movies?”

 The parrot replied, “Well, I liked the book.”

Pet Shop

 One day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot.

The pet shop owner takes the man to the parrot section and asks the man to choose one.

The man asks, ”How much is the yellow one?”

The owner says, ” $2,000.”

The man is shocked and asks the owner why it’s so expensive. The owner explains, ”This parrot is a very special one. He knows basic bookkeeping and accounting!”

”What about the green one?” the man asks.

The owner says, ”He costs $5,000 because he can prepare financial statements and prepare tax returns.”

”What about the red one?” the man asks.

The owner says, ”That one’s $10,000.”

The man asks, ”What does HE do?”

The owner says, ”I have not actually ever seen him do anything, but the other two call him Partner.” 

Parrot Auction

One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on an exotic parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid – the fine bird was finally his! As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, “I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can’t talk!” “Don’t worry”, said the Auctioneer, “He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?”

Thought for the Week
 You may say a cat uses good grammar. Well, a cat does — but you let a cat get excited once; you let a cat get to pulling fur with another cat on a shed, nights, and you’ll hear grammar that will give you the lockjaw. Ignorant people think it’s the noise which fighting cats make that is so aggravating, but it ain’t so; it’s the sickening grammar they use. ~Mark Twain, A Tramp Abroad

http://www.quotegarden.com

Friday Funny April 15, 2016 Many Happy Returns

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It is THAT time of year.  This Friday brings us to April 15 and here is hoping you have your taxes finished.  If not, the good news is that this year you have an additional three days to get everything in order by the eighteenth.  So, with that little bit of “good” news, I leave you a few hopefully humorous thoughts about taxes.

Enjoy! 

The futility of riches is stated very plainly in two places: the Bible and the Form 1040.

Blessed are the meek for they shall inherit the earth – less 40 percent inheritance tax.

If my business gets much worse, I won’t have to lie on my next tax return.

There is no child so bad that he/she can’t be used as an income tax deduction.

The path of civilization is paved with tax receipts.

A fool and his money are soon parted. The rest of us wait until April 15 or, as is the case this year, April 18.

Golf is a lot like taxes. You drive hard to get to the green and then wind up in the hole.

The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf.

The income tax forms have been simplified beyond all understanding.

After a man pays his income tax, he knows how a cow feels after she’s been milked.

Suppose we had to pay on what we think we are worth?

George Washington never told a lie, but then he never had to file a Form 1040.

The guy who said that truth never hurts never had to fill out a Form 1040.

Come to think of it, these income-tax forms leave little to the imagination and even less to the taxpayer.

Filling out your own income tax return is something like a do-it-yourself mugging.

Behind every successful man stands a woman and the IRS. One takes the credit, and the other takes the cash.

A lot of people still have the first dollar they ever made – Uncle Sam has all the others.

A harp is a piano after taxes.

Of course you can’t take it with you, and with high taxes, lawyer’s fees, and funeral expenses you can’t leave it behind either.

A dime is a dollar with all the various taxes deducted.

The reward for saving money is being able to pay our taxes without borrowing.

A political promise today means another tax tomorrow.

Patrick Henry ought to come back and see what taxation with representation is like.

There is nothing more permanent than a temporary tax.

We wonder why they call them “tax returns” when so little of it does.

The best things in life are still free, but the tax experts are working overtime on the problem.

Thought for the Week

It’s about ten times the size of the Bible — and unlike the Bible, contains no good news. ~Don Nickles, about the Internal Revenue Code

http://www.quotegarden.com

Friday Funny April 8, 2016 Strange Music

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Happy Friday!  Spring is officially here now that the baseball season is underway!  Even though the temperatures are below normal and some snow is expected to fall this weekend, warmer temps will be here soon and it will back to cutting the grass and working in the yard.  But for this weekend just keep warm!  This week, I have a strange tale that I wish to submit for your perusal.

Enjoy!

STRANGE MUSIC!

In the middle of the night, Bob was awakened from a deep sleep by an odd and unfamiliar noise.  He shook the fogginess from his head and wondered. What was that  noise? Why, it sounded like strange music was coming from somewhere inside his house. But that was impossible! He knew that he was all alone.

He paused and strained to hear – there it was again, it seemed to be coming from right outside the bedroom door. It was definitely music, something that he had heard before, but yet he just could not put his finger, or in this case his ear, on it.  One thing was certain, it wasn’t coming from his stereo or his phone; he knew there wasn’t anything remotely like it in his CD collection or among his downloads.  Bob was an oldies rock kind of guy and this was definitely not oldies rock.

He was caught off guard again when suddenly, there was an outburst of laughter almost as if a big party was taking place downstairs.  He could hear muffled voices and hoots
echoing off the walls as the volume increased.

He began to feel panicky and clutched the sheets tightly in fear, pulling them up over his head in a vain attempt to try to block out the noise that was now rolling through the empty house.  He thought to himself that maybe this was a dream, just a figment of his imagination or some indigestion manifesting itself in some odd way.  If he could just wake up, this would all be over. 

He had almost convinced himself of this when to his astonishment the bedroom door flew open, the door knob hitting the wall with an emphatic thud!

He nearly jumped out his skin as he shook violently under the sheets.  His heart was pounding to the point that he thought he might just leap out of his chest.

“Who’s there?” he asked muttered.  But there was no answer as the music grew louder and the racket continued unabated from below.  Now he thought he was going mad or perhaps on the verge of a nervous breakdown.  He was absolutely positive that house was empty and that he was its only occupant.  Yet, the music continued rowing louder and more distinct: um-pum-pum, um-pum-pum. UM-PUM-PUM, UM-PUM-PUM!

Almost petrified with fear, he managed to inched his way out of bed, trembling as he moved toward the now open door. As he crossed the floor, laughter erupted.  He
whipped his head from side to side looking for any sign of someone else in the house with him.

Now, he know that wafting up from downstairs was the sound of accordions and drums blasting an incessant beat into his terrified brain as he continue to slowly edge his way down the hallway.

He saw nothing. No lights, no flickering shadows. Now, he knew that he had to be
losing his mind. That annoying beat, repetitious and boring. That oddly familiar beat with the accent on the last half. Most unusual!

He felt his way to the top of the stairs.  He dared not turn on any lights for fear he might see something he really didn’t want to confront.  He peered into the darkness. Still as death, he thought, and quickly wiped that unfortunate choice of metaphor from
his mind.

Now he had made his way quietly down the stairs.  He reached for the switch. He could not stand being in the dark literally and figuratively any longer.  As his fingers searched, something cold and slimy clamped itself over his hand. He reeled back in horror as something laughed in his ear.

Then something glowing flashed in front of his face and flew up the stairs. A cold, thin tendril wrapped around his ankles and slithered up his leg. He was cemented to the floor. His eyes were wide with terror as the laughter and the music reached ear-splitting
levels.

Now it finally dawned on him. Of course. He had been so stupid. He realized that he should have stayed in bed, maybe then he would have had a chance. But now it was too late. A scream erupted from his tortured lips as he slipped to the floor.

Um-pum-pum, um-pum-pum. UM-PUM-PUM! UM-PUM-PM! That beat again! It was pounding mercilessly into his very soul. He watched in dread fascination as one of his feet began to jerk back and forth uncontrollably in time to the music. They were inside his body now.

It took every ounce of strength he had left to feebly form one word and force it from his lips……“Polka-geist!”

Thought for the Week

The purpose of life is a life of purpose. ~Robert Byrne

http://www.quotegarden.com