Monthly Archives: January 2016

Friday Funny January 29, 2016 Vanity of Vanities Plates

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Happy Friday!  We are about ready to cross one month off of 2016 and by now those New Year’s Resolutions are broken and long-forgotten.  Cheer up!  It is Friday and time a little humor.

Lots of folks have vanity plates. While the accountant in me does not allow me to spend more on my license plates than I absolutely have to, I can enjoy seeing some of the more unique vanity plates out there. Here are some of my favorites.

Enjoy!

MMMBACON – because we all know that bacon makes everything better

LICENSE – possibly the most generic vanity plate out there

IAMLATE – Maybe you should try leaving a little earlier

MMOVIT – I am sure this makes the car in front of you go faster

HI DEBT –  No one forced you to buy the most expensive car on the lot

BOOYAH – we all need a little excitement and celebration in our days

U C ME – why, yes I do

HASAGUN – I think I will give you a little extra space

CANT C – I will give you  even more extra space

MEE00WW – don’t let this cat out of the bag

EWW P00P – one has to wonder why someone wanted this for a license plate

BE G00D – a little friendly advice from the car in front of you

IMBROKE – I have to wonder why you are paying the extra yearly fees for this plate

HAD 2 HV 1 – you may have wanted one, but not sure you “had” to have it 

G3TSM4RT – wonder if the other car in the garage has a plate with “AGENT99” on it?

HV2RUN – the car or the person? in the car or outside of the car?

PIR8SHIP – arrgh!

WDRFULL – a positive outlook cannot hurt

NVRLKBK – wonder if this is a philosophical statement or what he does before changing lanes?

IH8 PPL – I am certain this driver is a little ray of sunshine!

SLZBAG – do you really want to advertise this?

On a Mini Cooper – CRAMPED

On a Smart Car – NOTDUMB

On a Crown Victoria – NOT COP

On a Ford Bronco – NOT OJ

On a Mercedes – NOT POOR

On an Infinity – N BYOND

On an Impala – VLAD THE

Thought for the Week

Baseball is like driving, it’s the one who gets home safely that counts. ~Tommy Lasorda

www,quotegarden.com

 

Friday Funny January 22, 2016 You Might Be a Redneck Jedi

redneckjedi2

Happy Friday! I have not made it to see the new Star Wars movie yet, but the arrival of the latest installment brings to mind the question of whether or not there might be Redneck Jedi’s.  See how you stack up.

Enjoy!

You Might Be A Redneck Jedi If…..

that “disturbance in the Force” was just last night’s baked beans.
the inside of your house looks more like Dagobah than the outside.
your land-speeder has a gun rack.
you call Yoda your Li’l green buddy.
you fight with a light-saber in one hand and a spit cup in the other.
you’ve ever used your light-saber to pick your teeth.
your Jedi robe is camouflage colored.
at least one wing of your X-Wing is primer colored.
you’ve ever said that Ewok tastes a lot like chicken.
no grammatical errors in the way Yoda talks you can find.
you have ever used the Force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.
you have ever had your R2 unit use its arc welding torch to get the light the grill.
you have ever used a light-saber to skin a deer.
you have bantha horns on the front of your land-speeder.
your master ever said “My finger you will pull..hmmm?”
you have ever had an X-wing up on blocks in your yard.
the worst part of spending time on Dagoba is the dadgum skeeters.
wookies are offended by the way you smell. 
you have fuzzy dice hanging in the cockpit of your X-Wing.
you’ve used a storm trooper helmet as a spittoon.
you think the idea of sleeping inside the belly of a Tauntaun sounds cozy.
you have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.
you’ve ever gone AT-AT tipping.
your belt buckle weighs more than your light saber.
the tail light covers on your land-speeder are made of red tape.
you are known to say, “May the Force be with Y’all.”
you feel that duct tape is like the force: it has a light side and a dark side and it holds                  the universe together. 

Thought for the Week

“You do have your moments. Not many, but you have them.” ~ Princess Leia, The Empire Strikes Back

Touché, Mr. Weidner, Touché

MHS Fencing

(The Meadowdale High School Fending Team, 1977.  Mr. Weidner is lower left hand corner and I am upper right hand corner.)

I was saddened to hear this week of the passing of one of my high school teachers. Robert Weidner taught speech and journalism for many years at Meadowdale High School in Dayton, Ohio.  I had Mr. Weidner for speech.  He taught us not to memorize our speeches, but to jot down on index cards brief reminders of the points that you wanted to get across.  To this day, I can talk for 30 minutes using three index cards.  

But, Mr. Weidner was more than my speech teacher, he was also my fencing coach.  While my dream was always to play baseball, I did not make the cut for my high school baseball team.  So, wanting to do something sport-wise, my junior and senior year I turned to fencing which, interestingly enough, was a varsity sport in Dayton Public Schools.  This tuned out to be a lot of fun and allowed me the opportunity to earn a gold “M” which is buried somewhere in my basement like a long, lost treasure.  When conversations turn to high school and what activities one participated in, I still enjoy throwing out that I lettered in fencing and have yet to hear anyone respond, “that’s funny, so did I.”

Mr. Weidner attended many class reunions and I had the privilege and opportunity to chat with him for a few minutes at the last two that I attended.  Over the last few years I received emails from him on a regular basis, the most recent coming last week.  He was also kind enough to read this blog and comment on it from time to time.

Fencing has been called “The noble science of defense.” It has never been that popular of a sport and most people’s knowledge of fencing has been derived from old pirate movies. My two years with Mr. Weidner allowed me to learn a little bit about this storied sport.  While it has now been almost forty years since I picked up a foil and put on a mask, I have remembered those lessons that fencing taught me, some of which continue to be useful today:

  • Fencing bouts begin and end with a salute. The first to pledge honor, to try your hardest to win within the rules. The second is to acknowledge your opponent and thank the other person for their efforts.  While we may often find a battle in our daily lives, we can approach them civilly and recognize that just because someone is an adversary does not make them an enemy.
  • An adversary is to be accepted on his own merits, without bias or prejudice. In a bout all that matters is your skill and the skill of your opponent. Even though a fencing bout is a “fight” it still, by rule, “must preserve the character of a courteous and honest encounter.”
  • Honesty is important. “Touché!” means “I have been touched!”  In fencing the person who receives a touch is to acknowledge it openly. 
  • Responsibility is expected. Just because an official is judging a match, the fencer is not relieved of his obligation of honor – nothing and no one can absolve you from personal responsibility for your own actions.
  • Either you make your point or your opponent will make it for you.  You may be so busy trying to impress your opponent with your moves and skill that you provide the opportunity for you opponent to score.
  • Perhaps the most difficult way to make a lap on the outdoor quarter-mile track is to do it with one foot perpendicular to the other.  Training can be slow and painful, but it is necessary.
  • You can expend a lot of energy in a small space in a short amount of time. (A fencing strip is only about forty-six feet long and about six and a half feet wide and a match might take less than ten minutes.)  Sometimes you have to be prepared to give it everything you have for a short time.
  • There is a difference between “ego” and “honor.” Ego says “Whatever I do is right.” Honor says “Whatever is right, I will do.”
  • Fencing, in essence, is an exercise in critical thinking. One must develop an ability to sort out truth from appearances and do it under adverse and rapidly changing conditions. In other words, fencing teaches one to think on your feet.

“Touché” means “I have been touched.”  Thank you, Mr. Wiedner, for touching my life and the lives of all your students.

Friday Funny January 15, 2016 Knock Knock Jokes

door

Happy Friday!  Sometimes Friday comes around and I am left scratching my head trying to find a Friday Funny.  When I get to the point that I am out of ideas and nothing seems that funny, I turn to my old friend the “Knock knock” joke.  It has been said that a pun is the lowest form of humor, I offer the “Knock knock” joke as the lowest form of humor.  Fortunately there are a ton of them out there.  So, this week, I scrape toward the bottom of the barrel.

Enjoy!

“Knock knock.”                                                                                                                                    “Who’s there?”                                                                                                                                                “Hanna.”                                                                                                                                                          “Hanna who?”                                                                                                                                    “Hanna partridge in a pear tree.”

“Knock, knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Cows go”
“Cows go who?”
“Cows don’t go who, cows go moo!”

“Knock knock.”                                                                                                                                                “Who’s there?”                                                                                                                                                “A broken pencil.”                                                                                                                                        “A broken pencil who?”                                                                                                                      “Never Mind. It’s pointless.”

“Knock knock.”                                                                                                                                          “Who’s there?”                                                                                                                                              “Theodore!”                                                                                                                                                “Theodore who?”                                                                                                                                          “Theodore wasn’t open, so I knocked.”

“Knock knock.”                                                                                                                                                “Who’s there?”                                                                                                                                                “Nana.”                                                                                                                                                              “Nana who?”                                                                                                                                                    “Nanna your business.”

“Knock knock.”                                                                                                                                                “Who’s there?”                                                                                                                                            “Al.”                                                                                                                                                                    “Al who?”                                                                                                                                                      “Al give you a kiss if you open this door.”

“Who’s there?”                                                                                                                                                “Euripides.”                                                                                                                                                  “Euripides who?”                                                                                                                                             “Euripides jeans, you pay for them.”

“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Adair!”
“Adair who?”
“Adair once but I’m bald now!”

“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Aesop!”
“Aesop who?”
“Aesop I saw a puddy cat.”

“Knock knock.”                                                                                                                                                “Who’s there?”                                                                                                                                                “To.”                                                                                                                                                                  “To who?”                                                                                                                                                        “To whom!”

“Knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Sadie.”
“Sadie who?”
“Sadie magic word and the Friday Funny is ended!”

Thought for the Week

“Too often, the opportunity knocks, but by the time you push back the chain, push back the bolt, unhook the two locks and shut off the burglar alarm, it’s too late.” ~ Rita Coolidge

http://www.brainyquote.com

Friday Funny January 8, 2016 Predictions that Just Missed…

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Happy Friday!  We are now one full week into 2016.  A new year always brings new hopes and often predictions as we look to the future.  More often than not these predictions end up missing the mark by a little or by a lot.  Here are a few past predictions for you to ponder in the early days of this new year.

Enjoy!

“Everyone’s always asking me when Apple will come out with a cell phone. My answer is, ‘Probably never.'”—David Pogue, The New York Times, 2006

“Two years from now, spam will be solved.”—Bill Gates, 2004

“Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons.” —Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science,1949

“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.” –Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943

“But what … is it good for?” –Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM 1968, commenting on the microchip.

“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” –Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977

 “There is practically no chance communications space satellites will be used to provide better telephone, telegraph, television or radio service inside the United States.”—T.A.M. Craven, Federal Communications Commission commissioner (1961)

“640K ought to be enough for anybody.” — Bill Gates, 1981

“Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau.” –Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.  

 “Television won’t be able to hold onto any market it captures after the first six months. People will soon get tired of staring at a plywood box every night.”—Darryl Zanuck, 20th Century Fox, 1946

 “Rail travel at high-speed is not possible because passengers, unable to breathe, would die of asphyxia.” –Dr Dionysys Larder (1793-1859)

“Taking the best left-handed pitcher in baseball and converting him into a right fielder is one of the dumbest things I ever heard.” — Tris Speaker, baseball hall of famer, talking about Babe Ruth, 1919

“If excessive smoking actually plays a role in the production of lung cancer, it seems to be a minor one.” –W.C. Heuper, National Cancer Institute, 1954.

“Everything that can be invented has been invented.” –Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.

Thought for the Week

So, hope-lit New Year, with thy joys uncertain,
Whose unsolved mystery none may foretell,
I calmly trust my God to lift thy curtain:
Safe in his love, for me ’twill all be well.
~Julia B. Cady (d.1869), “New-Year Thoughts,” in Sabbath at Home, January 1870

http://www.quotegarden.com

 

More Cost Cutting by the Reds

MASCOTS

Today, the Cincinnati Reds continued the all-out rebuilding of the team that started at last season’s trade deadline with deals of Mike Leake and Johnny Cueto and has continued during the off-season with the departures of Todd Frazier and Aroldis Chapman.  Today, Reds Executive Management announced a three team deal that will send Mr. Red, Mr. Redlegs and Rosie to the Milwaukee Brewers.  The Brewers in turn will send Bernie Brewer to the Philadelphia Phillies who, in turn will send the Phillie Phanatic to Cincinnati.

A Red’s spokesman stated that it was just no longer feasible for a small market team like the Reds to carry four mascots.  The Philadelphia Phillies, like the Reds, finished last in their division in 2015 and, also like the Reds are looking to rebuild.  The Reds are hoping to achieve a great deal of synergy by pairing the Phanatic with Gapper in an effort to both bolster the popularity of Gapper as well as revive the career of the Phanatic.  While the Phanatic has had an iconic and Mascot Hall of Fame Career, his popularity has waned in recent years as the Phillies have slipped in the standings.

Philllies Management stated that, while they appreciated the long and distinguished career that the Phanatic has had, they felt it was just time to change direction.  The new direction for the franchise is actually a retro approach with Bernie Brewer stepping into a role similar to the one played by Philadelphia Phil, the more traditional mascot of the team prior to the arrival of the Phanatic.

While the past few seasons have been disappointing for the Milwaukee club, they have high hopes for the upcoming season and due to some transactions made during 2015 have freed up enough salary room where they believe an expansion from one to three mascots will only add to the excitement of the game experience.  Brewer’s Management was not yet ready to commit on which one of the three new arrivals will be the one to take the post home run slide or if, perhaps, that duty will be shared in some fashion.