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Friday Funny June 25, 2021 Hey Mr. Umpire!

Happy Friday! I have finally been able to return as a spectator to the old ball yard. It is always great to get some peanuts, to root-root-root for the home team and to heckle the umpire! In case you need a little assistance in preparing for your return to baseball, I am here to help with some ready made heckling!

Enjoy!

  • Hey Mr. Umpire……

Did you lose your strike zone in the lights?

You make more bad calls than a telemarketer!

I’ve heard better calls at a square dance!

You couldn’t call a cab!

It sure sounded like a strike!

I’ve seen potatoes with better eyes!

For a guy that only works 3 hours a day, you’re doing a pretty bad job!

You couldn’t see the plate if your dinner was on it!

Did you leave your prescription mask at the hotel?

LensCrafters called…they’ll be ready in 30 min.

That pitch was so far outside it had a hat and coat on!

You couldn’t recognize a strike in a bowling alley!

That pitch was so inside it took out his appendix!

You’ve been calling that a strike all day long, don’t get a conscience now!

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“How can you not get romantic about baseball?” ~ Billy Beane, Moneyball

Friday Funny June 18, 2021 Too Much Coffee

Happy Friday! Growing up, I thought that I would never drink coffee. Then during my freshman year of college I came to the realization that coffee was a lot cheaper than soda pop. Ever since then I have been drinking a LOT of coffee, but how much coffee is too much coffee? (That is a silly question – there is never too much!) However, if you think it is possible to have too much coffee, there are a few signs that might serve as indicators.
Enjoy!

You Know You Drink Too Much Coffee When…
• Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
• All your kitchen appliances are made by Mr. Coffee.
• You speed walk – in your sleep.
• You grind your own coffee beans – in your mouth.
• The doctor uses a tachometer to take your pulse.
• You sleep with your eyes open.
• You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
• You lick your coffeepot clean.

You spent your last vacation visiting “Maxwell House.”
• You’re the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don’t even work there.
• You have a T-shirt that says, “Decaffeinated coffee is the devil’s blend.”
• All your children are named “Joe”.
• You don’t sweat, you percolate.
• You’ve worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
• You walk twenty minutes on your treadmill before you realize it’s not plugged in.
• People get dizzy just watching you.
• Dunkin’ Doughnuts owns the mortgage on your house.
• Your life’s goal is to amount to a hill of beans. •
• Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
• Your hand is permanently shaped to hold your mug.
• You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
• You once had a crush on Mrs. Olsen.
• You think being called a “drip” is a compliment.
• You don’t tan, you roast.
• You can’t even remember your second cup.
• You help your dog chase its tail
.
You get a speeding ticket even when you’re parked.
• You’re offended when people use the word “brew” to mean beer.
• You named your cats “Cream” and “Sugar.”
• You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
• You don’t get mad, you get steamed.
• Your birthstone is a coffee bean
• Your blood type is Arabica positive.
• Your resume lists Tim Horton as a reference.
• You have a tattoo that says, “Born to Brew.”
• You can play the “Minute Waltz” in 34 seconds
• When someone says. “How are you?” you reply, “Good to the last drop.”
• You introduce your spouse as your Coffeemate.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

It is inhumane, in my opinion, to force people who have a genuine medical need for coffee to wait in line behind people who apparently view it as some kind of recreational activity.~ Dave Barry

Friday Funny June 11, 2021 Fun Things to Do While Driving

Happy Friday! Now that we are past Memorial Day, more people will be hitting the roads looking for some rest and relaxation. A lot of time driving can get a little boring, so here are a few suggestions to liven up that time in the car.

Enjoy!

Whenever you pass a cow, put your window down and yell “Moo!” as loud as you can.

Give a friendly wave to everyone you see. If they wave back, offer an offended and angry look.

Put your arms down the legs of an extra pair of trousers, put sneakers on your hands, then lean back as you drive.

Whenever possible, make lizard faces at small children in the back seat of other vehicles.

Put a puppet on your driving hand and have him hold the wheel. Have the puppet talk to people you pass or while at a stop light.

Write the words “Help me” on your back window in red. The more it looks like blood, the better.

Eat cherries while you drive and spit the pits out your window.

Honk your horn at geese to see if you can get them to honk back.

Stick your head out the window and pant like a dog.

Roll down your window and yell at children reminding them to brush their teeth before going to bed.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Life is a long road on a short journey.” ~James Lendall Basford (1845–1915), Seven Seventy Seven Sensations, 1897

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Friday Funny June 4, 2021 Hard Working Jokes

Happy Friday! June is here and it appears that there is a return to normalcy around the bend. The past year has been hard on a lot of people and businesses. People are starting to get out and offices are opening back up. So, let’s kick off the weekend with hard working jokes.

Enjoy!

I have a friend who works at a medicine factory, he said that during the pandemic work was so slow that you could hear a cough drop.

I have a friend who is an electrician, he said that he has been closing early for the last year because business is light.

I have a friend who tried his hand at being a limo driver during the past year.  He tried really hard but he did not get a single customer.  All that effort and nothing to chauffeur it.

I have another friend who tried to start a hot air balloon business during the pandemic but it just doesn’t take off.

I have a friend who used to be the host of a blackjack table, with the economy recovering he got a better deal.

Before the pandemic, a friend of mine owned a paper business but it folded.

I have a friend who is an archeologist, she says that post-pandemic her career lies in ruins.

I had a friend who had a doughnut shop before the pandemic, now she is just tired of the hole business.

I had another friend who wanted to open a pastry shop during the pandemic, but he couldn’t raise the dough.

I knew a guy who, before the pandemic, had a job tying sausages together; however, he just could not make ends meet.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

There are no menial jobs, only menial attitudes. ~William J. Bennett, The Book of Virtues

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