Category Archives: Humor

Friday Funny May 27, 2022 Summer Driving Tips

Happy Friday! Memorial Day weekend marks the unofficial start of summer. That means many of you will spend some time in the car this weekend. So, here are some tips to help you pass the time as the miles roll along.

Enjoy!

Fun Things to Do While Driving (These should only be attempted by professional drivers on a closed course).

1. Have a friend ride in the back seat. Gagged.

2. Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Headbang.

3. Wear snorkel gear and hang fish around from the ceiling.

 4. Two words: Chicken suit.

5. Write the words “Help me” on your back window in red paint. The more it looks like blood, the better.

6. Pay the toll for the car behind you. Watch in rearview mirror as toll collector tries to explain to next driver.

7. Put a puppet on your driving hand and have him hold the wheel. Let the puppet talk to people when you’re at a stop light.

8. Roll down your window and yell “Moo!” when passing cows.

9. Roll down your window and yell at children reminding them to brush their teeth before going to bed.

10. Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out your window or sunroof. Feel free to make it dance.

11. At stop lights, make lizard faces at small children in the back seat of the car in front of you.

12. Put your arms down the legs of an extra pair of trousers, put sneakers on your hands, and lean the seat back as you drive.

 13. At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a look of fear, suddenly lock your doors.

14. Honk frequently without motivation, especially when passing houses out in the country.

15. Wave at people often, especially when passing houses out in the county. If they wave back, offer an offended and angry look.

16. Hang fifty car-fresheners on the rear-view mirror.

17. Lob burning things in the windows of smokers who throw their cigarette butts out the window.

18. Keep at least five cats in the car.

 19. Squeegee your windshield at every stop.

 20. Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when driving alone.

21. Stop and take pictures of road kill

22. Stop and collect road kill.

23. Stop and cook road kill.

24. Drive off an exit ramp and ask for directions to the town you’re in. When they tell you you’re there, look confused, glance at your map, laugh, and exclaim, “Oh! wrong state!”

25. If listening to the beginning of a baseball game, be sure to stand during the National Anthem.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“I went to court for a parking ticket. I pleaded insanity. I said, Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?” ~ Steven Wright

Friday Funny May 13, 2022 More Vacation Jokes

Happy Friday!  It has felt like summer this week and when it feels like summer it gets one thinking about vacation. So pack your bag for laughs.

Enjoy!

I didn’t realize how bad of a driver I was until my Tom Tom said, “In 1000 feet, do a slight right, stop, and let me out.”

I had to tell my suitcases there will be no vacation this summer. Now I’m dealing with emotional baggage.

I read a story about a pilot who decided to cook whilst flying? It was a recipe for disaster.

I tried to sue the airline for misplacing my luggage, unfortunately I lost my case.

I may not travel much, but I wonder how many miles I’ve scrolled with my thumb.

For Christmas, I bought my wife a world map and gave her a dart. I told her to throw it and wherever it lands, we will go on vacation this summer.  Looks like we are spending two weeks behind the refrigerator.

Looks like I will have to cancel my vacation, I developed a rash and my dermatologist told me to apply the medication locally.

I once took a trip to a ski resort.  It started off well, but things went downhill really fast.

I heard that photons do not take suitcases on vacation because they travel light.

What did the llama say before his vacation?  Alpaca bag.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

 “Babies don’t need a vacation but I still see them at the beach. I’ll go over to them and say, ‘What are you doing here, you’ve never worked a day in your life!’” ~Stephen Wright

Friday Funny April 29, 2022 Name Dropping

Happy Friday!  Let’s kick off this weekend with a little name dropping.

Enjoy!

Would you call a man who likes to work out Jim?

Would you call a girl with a tennis racket on her head Annette?

Would you call a woman with a cat on her head Kitty?

Would you call a boy hanging on the wall Art?

Would you call a girl with a frog on her head Lily?

Would you call a man with a shovel Doug?

Would you call a man without a shovel Douglas?

Would you call a woman with a Christmas tree on her dead Carol?

Would you call a man with a Christmas tree on is head Noel?

Would you call a man with a map on his head Miles?

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Tigers die and leave their skins; people die and leave their names.” ~Japanese proverb

www.quotegarden.com

Friday Funny April 22, 2022 Medical Jokes

Happy Friday!  Let’s kickoff the weekend with some medical jokes.

Enjoy!

I heard that the worst place to hide in a hospital is the ICU.

Have you heard about the new Canadian strain of Covid? People are showing up at the hospital eh-symptomatic.

I stopped by a local hospital today only to find that it had been converted into a library, I had to suffer in silence.

I heard about a man who was admitted to hospital after swallowing 6 plastic horses. His condition has been described as stable.

I heard that the nicest guy in the hospital is the ultra-sound guy.

I heard that the coolest guy in the hospital is the hip replacement guy.

I heard about a dermatologist who was fired at the hospital for making too many rash decisions.

When I was young, I once dated an X-ray tech I met during a short hospital stay, I always wondered what she saw in me.

If you donate a kidney to a hospital everyone thinks you are a hero but if you
donate 10 kidneys everyone thinks you are a monster.

I woke this morning with an awful cough, I think it might be pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis, but it’s hard to say.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK


“Everything is so expensive. What hospitals really need is cheaper equipment — like an X-ray machine that takes four poses for a quarter.” ~Robert Orben, 2400 Jokes to Brighten Your Speeches, 1984

Friday Funny April 15, 2022 Tax Day Jokes

Happy Easter! Happy Passover and Happy Tax Day – well maybe not so happy about Tax Day. Maybe laughing about will make you feel a little better.

Enjoy!

I heard that accountants are able to remain cool, calm and collected because they have strong internal controls.

I heard that accountants like the weekends because they get to wear casual clothes to work.

I heard about a cannibal CPA, he charges an arm and a leg.

I heard about an accountant and banker who got broke off their relationship, seems they couldn’t reconcile their differences.

Did you hear about the auditor who proposed to his girlfriend with an engagement letter?

Did you hear about the CPA who was having a mid-life crisis? He bought a faster calculator.

Did you hear about the church that was getting indicted by the IRS for displaying false prophets?

Did you hear about the chiropractor who was audited by IRS? She owed back taxes.

I heard about a new dating app for CPAs. it’s called “Let’s Get Fiscal.”

If you crossed a tax accountant with a jet airplane would you get a Boring 747?

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“It’s income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta.” ~ Dave Barry.

Friday Funny April 8, 2022 Baseball Jokes for Opening Weekend

Happy Friday! Flowers are started to bloom, trees are started to leaf out and baseball is back. So let’s lead off the weekend with some baseball jokes.

Enjoy!

If the Kool-aid Man was on your baseball team would he be a Relief Pitcher?

I heard about an opera singer who made it to the big leagues – seems he had perfect pitch.

I wanted to wear Adidas to play baseball, but they would not let me bat – apparently it is three stripes and you’re out.

Things have gotten ridiculous, my son’s youth baseball game was rained out and they gave him a precipitation trophy.

The other day I saw a giant mouse so I tried killing it with a baseball bat – now I have a lifetime ban from Disneyworld.

I heard about a baseball player who went to the local library.  He was only there five minutes; it was a short stop.

If you crossed a tree with a baseball player, would you get Babe Root?

If a baseball player wanted to make a bake a cake would he use oven mitts, bundt pans and batter?

Did you hear about the baseball player who tried to wash his socks in the bleachers?

I heard that Mario Mendoza shut down his website because he was not getting enough hits.

If you crossed a baseball pitcher with a carpet would you get throw rug?

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Every strike brings me closer to the next home run.” ~ Babe Ruth

Friday Funny April 1, 2020 April Fool’s Day

Happy Friday! Happy April! Happy April Fool’s Day!

Enjoy!

I filled up my gas tank tonight and I swapped the labels on the pumps.  It is my April Fuels’ joke.

If you buy a hammer bought on April 1st would it be an April tool?

Is it true that eggs like April Fools’ Day for the practical yolks?

Here is an idea – let’s spend April Fools’ Day on Instagram and fool each other into believing we have glamorous lives.

If it is raining chickens on April Fool’s Day would you say it was fowl spring weather?

I noticed there was a display of invisible books at the library on April Fools day, but I saw right through it.

Today I got an email from a Nigerian Prince asking me for $100,000 to help him build a business and he would pay me $1,000,000 in return.  He must think I am a fool,   I already invested in a Prince from Qatar for half the price last week.

For April fools my wife replaced my Alpha-bits with Cheerios. I have no words to say how angry I am.

April Fools’ Day is like a huge open mic night with millions of people going out of their way to demonstrate how unfunny they are.

Due to continuing COVID restrictions, April Fool’s Day has been POSTPONED. I’ll tell you the new date tomorrow.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four.” – Mark Twain

Friday Funny March 18, 2022 March Madness 2022

Happy Friday and Happy March Madness!  It seems like the right time of the year to bounce a few basketball jokes your way.

Enjoy!

I saw a pumpkin playing basketball, apparently, he was the point gourd.

I joined a group that plays basketball and then discusses philosophy – it’s called “shoot first, ask questions later.”

Is it true that fish refuse to play basketball because they are afraid of the net?

I used to be addicted to basketball, but I rebounded.

Did you hear about the referee that got banned from March Madness? Supposedly he’s a whistleblower.

Is it true that the preferred cheese of basketball players is Swish cheese?

Is it true that the best place for point guards to take their girlfriends to dance is Basket Balls?

I read about a basketball coach who really loves dogs, he has three-pointers.

I saw a man walking through the airport with a basketball, I think he was traveling.

Is it true that the nose didn’t the nose make the basketball team because he didn’t get picked?

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Things turn out best for the people who make the best of the way things turn out.” ~ John Wooden

Friday Funny March 11, 2022 Baseball Through The Eyes Of Bob Uecker

Happy Friday! With all the stuff going on in the world, baseball is a pretty trivial thing.  However, sometimes a little distraction from all that is going on is nice.  The baseball players and owners have reached an agreement and soon the crack of the bat will again be heard as players get active in spring training. So, let’s turn to one of the sages of baseball this week for some quotations from Bob Uecker.

Enjoy!

“I knew when my career was over. In 1965, my baseball card came out with no picture.”

“The best way to catch a knuckleball is to wait until the ball stops rolling and then pick it up.”

“I set records that will never be equaled. In fact, I hope 90% of them don’t even get printed.”

“They said I was such a great prospect that they were sending me to a winter league to sharpen up. When I stepped off the plane, I was in Greenland.”

“I had a great shoe contract and glove contract with a company who paid me a lot of money never to be seen using their stuff.”

“Career highlights? I had two. I got an intentional walk from Sandy Koufax and I got out of a rundown against the Mets.”

“I led the league in go get ’em next time.”

“When I looked to the third base coach for a sign, he turned his back on me.”

“In 1962 I was named Minor League Player of the Year. It was my second season in the bigs.”

“Baseball hasn’t forgotten me. I go to a lot of old-timers games and I haven’t lost a thing. I sit in the bullpen and let people throw things at me. Just like old times.”

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Baseball, it is said, is only a game. True. And the Grand Canyon is only a hole in Arizona. Not all holes, or games, are created equal.” ~ George F. Will (American Newspaper Columnist, Writer, and Journalist)

Friday Funny M<arch 4, 2022 More Cat Jokes

Welcome to March!  With all the crazy stuff going on in the world maybe you need to take a moment to laugh at cats.

Enjoy!

Did you hear about the alien who found a cat?  He said, “Take me to your litter.”

The other day I heard a joke about a three-legged cat, it was a major faux paw.

Would you call a fluffy male cat asleep on a bed a Him-a-lay-an?

I inherited a pencil once owned by Shakespeare but my cat chewed it up so badly that I can’t tell if it’s 2B or not 2B.

Is it true that a cat’s favorite TV show is Claw and Order?

Did you hear about the cat who lost all her savings when she invested in a  purr-a-mid scheme?

Would you call a cat who was super-stylish –“Haute-cat-ture”?

When two cats part ways do they say “See ya litter”?

Is it true that  a cat’s favorite subject in school is Hisss-tory?

Would you call a cat who lives in an igloo an eskimew?

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“I gave my cats a bath the other day … they love it. He sat there, he enjoyed it, it was fun for me. The fur would stick to my tongue, but other than that…” ~ Steve Martin