Category Archives: Humor

Friday Funny November 19, 2021 Thanksgiving Puns

Happy Friday! Next week is Thanksgiving, so let me wish you a very Happy Thanksgiving Day and just in case you are in need of a few puns to have ready to share around the table, I am here to help.

Enjoy!

On Thanksgiving, I’m both grateful and gravy-ful.

This Thanksgiving, may your heart be as full as your plate.

Thanksgiving is totally my jam.

Thanksgiving, a day that really is much ado about stuffing.

Life just does not get any butter than this.

You know that I only have pies for you.

I have a crust on you.

Stuffing compares to you.

Let’s give ’em pumpkin’ to talk about.

Let’s get the gourd times rolling.

You know I’m all about that baste.

You think I’m done? Honey, you just ain’t seen stuffing yet.

Green bean casserole, pecan pie, sweet potatoes – when it’s Thanksgiving, there’s always more than just one side to the story.

Did you find this turkey recipe on Google, Google?

Stop, drop, and pass the rolls.

My family told me to stop telling Thanksgiving jokes, but I said I couldn’t quit cold turkey.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.” ~ Albert Einstein

Friday Funny November 12, 2021 Amoeba Jokes

Happy Friday! Comedians are saying that it is getting harder every day to tell jokes because it seems not matter what one says, someone is offended. I think it is still safe to tell jokes about amoebas – at least until I hear from the APL (amoeba Protection League).

Enjoy!

Is it true that amoebas call their friends using cell phones?

If you crossed a ghost and an amoeba, would you get an amoeboo?

Is it true that the amoeba had difficulty in math class be it multiplied by dividing?

Did you hear about the amoeba who crossed the microscope to get to the other slide?

If an amoeba took its own picture would it be cell-fie?

An amoeba gets seated in a nice restaurant.  The waiter gives her a menu and says,  “Make sure to pay before you split.”

Would you call an amoeba that heats things up a microbe-wave?

One amoeba turns the amoeba next to hm and says, “You will always be a part of me.”

If a bacteria when travels from his home colony to another does she experience culture shock?

A paramecium and an amoeba are walking down the street. The amoeba asks “So, lacking any pseudopodia, how do you manage to get around? The paramecium replies “A cilia question I’ve never heard!”

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Humor is a social lubricant that helps us get over some of the bad spots.” ~ Steve Allen

Friday Funny November 5, 2021 Dino-jokes!

Happy Friday and Happy November! This week we are going way back in time and digging up some dinosaur jokes.

Enjoy!

Would you call an extinct animal that works in the rodeo a Bronco-Saurus?

Would you call a dinosaur with great dental hygiene habits a Flossiraptor?

Would you call a dinosaur in high heels a My-Feet-Are-Saurus?

Would you call a dinosaur with no eyes a Do-You-Think-He-Saw-Us?

Would you call a scared tyrannosaurus a Nervous-Rex?

Would you call a dinosaur eating a taco a Tyrannosaurus Mex?

Would you call a dinosaur who is a very poor driver a Tyrannosaurus Wrecks?

Would you call a dinosaur who does magic tricks a Tyrannosaurus Hex?

Would you call a “foodie” dinosaur a Connois-Saur?

Would you call a dinosaur who went into law enforcement a Tricera-Cop?

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Autumn is a second spring when every leaf is a flower.” ~ Albert Camus

Friday Funny October 29, 2021 Halloween Jokes

Happy

Happy Friday! Happy Halloween! Here is wishing you your chare of candy without any cavities!

Enjoy!

I am thinking about entering a Halloween costume contest with Arnold Schwarzenegger this year. I am going as Beethoven.  Arnold will be Bach.

Last year a neighborhood girl came “trick or treating” dressed as Gloria Gaynor.  At first I was afraid.

Is it true that skeletons do not go trick or treating because they don’t have any body to with?

This year I am putting extra starch in my ghost costume, I am hoping t0 scare everyone  stiff.

I know a poltergeist who refuses to return my texts.  I think he might be ghosting me.

I saw a skeleton the other day who had a custodial job.  I think he was the Grim Sweeper.

I heard about a pumpkin who wanted to be a writer.  She thought she would try her hand at Pulp fiction.

Would you call a funny movie about two zombies finding true love, a zom-com?

This year I want to be something really scary for Halloween so I’m dressing up as a phone with the battery down to 3%.

The scariest costume I saw last year was the girl who came carrying a school fundraising packet.

Would a ghost attending a formal party wear a boo-tie?

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“There are three things I’ve learned never to discuss with people: religion, politics, and the Great Pumpkin.” – Linus

Friday Funny October 15,2021 Dog Jokes

Happy Friday! I hope you have had a good week. Let’s kick off the weekend with some jokes about man’s best friend.

Enjoy!

Would you call a dog that has been left outside in the cold a chili-dog?

Would you call a dog that likes taking a bath every day a shampoo-dle?

Would you call a dog that meditates an aware wolf?

Is it true that dogs run in circles because it is easier than running in squares?

If you crossed a sheepdog with a rose would you get a collie-flower?

Is it true that dogs like smartphones because they have collar IDs?

Are dogs’ barks loud because they have built-in sub-woofers?

If you crossed a frog with a dog would you get a croaker spaniel?

If you connect a Corgi to a battery would you get a short circuit?

If you cross a dog and a calculator would you get a friend you could count on?

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

I love a dog, he does nothing for political reasons.” ~Will Rogers

Friday Funny October 1, 2021 Quick Friday Thoughts

Happy Friday and welcome to October! Here are a few quick thoughts for you to ponder this Friday.

Enjoy!

I recently went to a pet shop and I asked the clerk if I could buy a goldfish. The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?” I said, “I could care less about its zodiac sign.”

Two gold fish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says, “Do you know how to drive this thing?!”

Two soldiers are in a tank. One looks at the other and says, “BLUB…BLUB…BLUB…BLUB…BLUB.”

I recently took a picture of a field of wheat. It was grainy.

If you had some friends who love math, would you call them Algebros?

I heard that the reason that penguins do not fly is because they are not tall enough to be pilots.

Would a backward poet write inverse?

I friend was telling me that he dreams in color, but I think it is a pigment of his imagination.

Do microwaves washup on tiny beaches?

If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“May your passion be the kernel of corn stuck between your molars, always reminding you there’s something to tend to.” ~Jeb Dickerson

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Friday Funny September 24, 2021 The BMV Can Drive You Crazy.

Happy Friday! I recently had to make the oft dreaded trip to the Bureau of Motor Vehicles to renew my driver’s license and upgrade to the new and improved one that is TSA compliant. So, let’s have a laugh or two on behalf of the good folks at the BMV.

Enjoy!

Is it true that mathematicians go to the BMV to get a deriver’s license?

While I was in line at the BMV I asked other folks in line to guess my weight just so I could get an idea about what I could get away with putting on my license.

I heard you should be careful not to get stuck behind the Devil in a line at the BMV, it seems the Devil can take many forms.

Someone once left a positive review at the BMV.  The manager saw it and immediately fired everyone

My computer is getting old and it’s RAM isn’t that great but it still has faster processing than the BMV.

When I went to renew my driver’s license, the clerk asked me if I wanted to be an organ or tissue donor.  I told her that we got rid of the Wurlitzer years ago, but I think there is an extra box of Kleenex in my car I could go get.

I was just wondering – if you buy an electric car do they check to see if you have a current driver’s license?

I was recently complimented on my driving skills.  Someone left a note on my car that said “Parking Fine.”  I thought that was nice.

I remember back when I took my driving test, I got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped away before I got to them.

I read a story the other day about a couple of Amish engineers who created the hardware and software for a small self-driving horseless carriage.  I hear it’s a little buggy.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“I would seriously rather be in a long line at the DMV than eat with people I don’t know.” ~ Anne Lamott

Friday Funny September 17, 2021 More Things to Ponder

Happy Friday! Sometimes my mind wanders and when it wonders it can end up in some strange places. As Brain would ask Pinky in the cartoon, “Are you pondering what I am pondering?”

Enjoy!

Have you ever pondered why feet smell and noses run?

IF “Con” is the Opposite of “Pro”, then what is the opposite of PROGRESS?

Does it make sense that we put suits in a Garment Bag while we put Garments in a Suitcase?

If a mime is arrested by police do they need to tell him that he has the right to remain silent?

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

If you drove your car at the speed of light, and you turned your headlights on, would they work?

Have you ever pondered the difference between normal tomato ketchup  and fancy tomato ketchup?

Have you ever pondered whether or not crop circles could be square?

Have you ever pondered that when we “skate on thin ice”, we can “get in hot water”?

Have you ever pondered exactly how fast do hotcakes sell?

Does it make sense that we sing “Rock a bye baby” to lull a baby to sleep when the song is about putting a baby in a tree and letting the wind crash the cradle to the ground?

If the lights go out – where do they go?

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

The more chance there is of stubbing your toe, the more chance you have of stepping into success.” ~Author unknown

WWW.QUOTEGARDEN.COIM

Friday Funny September 10, 2021 Kicking Off Another Football Season

Happy Friday! There is just a touch of fall in the air and another NFL season kicks off this weekend. While many are excited for a new season, I am starting my second decade of not caring about the NFL. Mike Brown cured me during the 2010 season and I have discovered there are many other ways to spend Sunday afternoons. Allow me to kick the weekend off with a few football jokes.

Enjoy!

I understand that Tom Brady can be very polarizing sports figure. On one hand, he has five super bowl rings; butt on the other hand, he only has two.

If you crossed a football player and the Invisible Man would you get football like no one has ever seen?

I heard that Scrooge ended up with the football after the ghost of Christmas passed.

What did the football player say to the flight attendant?  “Put me in coach!”

Scrambled eggs are a lot like the Cincinnati Bengals, they’ve both been beaten.

Would you call 20 Bengals fans in the basement a whine cellar?

Is it true that the Bengals had to shut down their team website because they could not string three “W’s” together.

The Bengals have something in common with a Chick-Fil-A, neither one shows up for work on Sunday.

The Bengals have something in common with my mailman, neither deliver on Sundays.

I wanted to teach my dog to roll over and play dead so I had him watch a couple of Bengals games.

I saw there is a recall on all infant clothing with a Bengals logo on it, seems it is a a choking hazard.

Is it true the Bengals count to ten this way? 0-1, 0-2, 0-3, 0-4, 0-5, 0-6, 0-7, 0-8, 0-9, 0-10.

This week I really wanted to make some edgy football jokes on my blog – it was my goal post.

THOUGHT THE THE WEEK

“When you win, say nothing. When you lose, say less.” ~ Paul Brown

Friday Funny September 3, 2021 Hard Working Jokes for Labor Day

Happy Friday! We have come to the unofficial end of summer with the arrival of Labor Day Weekend. Let’s celebrate with some hard-working jokes.

Enjoy!

I wanted to be a Gregorian monk, but somehow, I never got the chants.

I wanted to be a competitive eater; unfortunately, I just never had the stomach for it.

I wanted to be a computer programmer, but I just couldn’t hack it.

I wanted be an engineer, but I burned too many bridges.

I wanted to be a telemarketer, but it just wasn’t my calling.

For a while I had a job as a waiter. I did not really like it but at least I was putting food on the table.

For a while I had a job as a door-to-door bicycle salesman, I was a peddler.

For a while I had a job as a hot dog vendor, I didn’t relish it. 

I once had a jab as an upholsterer, I never recovered.

I once had a job as a masseur, but I rubbed people the wrong way.

I once had a job as a Velcro salesman, but I just couldn’t stick with it.

I wanted to be a stand-up comedian, but I was worried that people would laugh at me.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream.” ~ C.S. Lewis