Category Archives: Humor

Friday Funny April 9, 2021 I Am So Old

Happy Friday! I gave into the nice weather this week and, ignoring my age, went to a softball practice. My mind thinks that I am still young while my body thinks my mind is crazy. So, I thought I would share how old I am feeling now.

Enjoy!

I am so old I remember when emojis were called “hieroglyphics.”

I am so old that I remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.

I am so old that I have started lying about my children’s ages.

I’ve reached that age where looking in the mirror is like watching the news. I know there’ll be some new developments I won’t like.

I’m aging like a fine banana.

I am so old that my blood type has expired.

I am so old I rewind movies on Hulu before I log out.

I am so old that I remember when “Old Spice” was just “Spice.”

I am so old that I knew Burger King when he was just a prince.

I am so old that I knew Cap’n Crunch when he was still a private.

I am so old that I knew Mr. Clean when he still had hair.

I am so old that I when I was a kid we dipped our fries in Heinz #4.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.” ~ Will Rogers

Friday Funny March 26, 2021 Spring Jokes

Happy Friday! Congratulations – you have survived winter. Now spring is here and the hope of the world springing back to live.

Enjoy spring and some spring jokes!

Is it true that after the most common feeling among trees in the spring is re-leaf?

It is that time of year when my winter fat turns int o spring rolls.

I heard that you can tell the difference between spring rolls and summer rolls by their seasoning.

I saw a commercial that the furniture store was celebrating the end of winter with a spring sale; however, mattresses are still full price.

I have a friend who is a writer, each spring he suffers from a bad case of allegories.

I dread spring cleaning this time of year, I wish I’d never bought that Slinky.

The other day I put my foot through a trampoline, I have been walking with a spring in my step ever since.

Did you hear about the flower that could not ride a bike because it had lost its petals?

The spring onions that sprang up in yard have started singing hip hop, those little rap scallions.

I was working through the kitchen last night and thought that I could hear the spring onions singing a BeeGees song, it turned out that it was just the chives talking.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

If people did not love one another, I really don’t see what use there would be in having any spring.~ Victor Hugo

Friday Funny March 5, 2021 Do You See What I Did Here?

Happy Friday! The days are getting a bit longer and a bit warmer, we can almost see the end of winter!  Seems like things that I go to look for have a habit of disappearing, so this week I picked out some disappearing jokes. Hope you see them before they are gone.

Enjoy!

Are bassists considered cowardly because they disappear at the first sign of treble?

Have you heard the one about the disappearing magician?  Apparently it was just a stage he was going through.

I saw a Mexican magician who said he was going to make himself disappear on the count of three.  He said, Uno.. Dos.. And then he vanished without a Tres.

Did the German Christmas cake disappear or was it stollen?

Do old magicians retire or do they simply disappear?

This morning my hands disappeared mysteriously.  I can’t really point my finger at what caused it.

I had a friend who landed a job at Finland’s national airline.  I have not heard from him for ages, it seems he just disappeared into Finnair.

One day I was out on a boat, some distance from the shore, when a massive hand suddenly rose out of the water and then slowly disappeared.  I thought, “Now that is the biggest wave I have ever seen.”

In the middle of the night, I had a vision of a fluffy, white lamb hovering at the foot of my bed, then it disappeared, as I lay frozen in fear. I think it might have been sheep paralysis.

Finally, a word of advice, never disappear, they are very sensitive fruits.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Most of us don’t need a psychiatric therapist as much as a friend to be silly with.” ~Robert Brault, rbrault.blogspot.com

http://WWW.QUOTEGARDEN.COM

Friday Funny February 26, 2021 Humor to the Highest Bidder

Happy Friday!  The sun was out this week and melted most of our snow, I think I can make it to spring!  With spring comes spring cleaning and I have found that eBay is a great place to get rid of some of that stuff that has just been laying around gathering dust for years.  So, let’s laugh all the way to the Bank with some eBay jokes this week.

Enjoy!

I am not sold on how easy eBay is to use.  I tried to look up lighters, but all they had was 14,245 matches.

If the Pope purchased something on eBay would he pay for it using PaPal?

I saw a 65 inch tv on eBay, the description stated that the volume was stuck on full. The Buy It Now price was $10, I thought I just cannot turn this down.

I decided to list my vacuum cleaner on eBay, it was just collecting dust.

I bought some balloons years ago and decided to sell them recently on eBay, of course I did adjust the price for inflation.

If Neil Diamond purchased a Saab on eBay would you say he got a Swede car online?

Today I got lost in eBay, it felt like the Amazon in there.

I am considering selling my collection of John Lennon memorabilia on eBay, I can just imagine all the PayPal.

If you purchased a good deal of “Happy Days” memorabilia on eBay but it never arrived would you be the victim of a Fonzie scheme?

I  was told that I can’t use eBay anymore.  I don’t know why exactly, they just said it was for biddin’.

I was going to tell you another joke about  eBay, but you probably would not get until the middle of next week.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Get rid of clutter and you may just find it was blocking the door you’ve been looking for.” ~Katrina Mayer, KatrinaMayer.com

http://WWW.QUOTEGARDEN.COM

Friday Funny February 19, 2021 Cold Hard Humor

Happy Friday!  Let me send you warm thoughts as so many of us are dealing with quite inclement weather this week.  We can complain about it or we can laugh about it.

Enjoy!

This week, while it snowed, I’ve just been staring through the window, I am hoping that eventually my wife will let me in.

Think about it – does a snowman really need a scarf?

It has been so cold this week that I had to break the smoke off my chimney.

It has been is so cold this week that I am shivering like a mobster in a tax office.

It has been so cold this week that I saw an Amish guy buying an electric blanket.

It was so cold that I tried lighting a fire in my small boat but it caught fire and sunk, turned out that I could not have my kayak and heat it too.

Would you call a cold crocodile a refrigergator?

Justice is a dish best served cold because if it were served warm, it would be justwater.

I saw a hipster walking outside in the cold with no coat on, he said that he had gone outside before it was cool.

For use in winter, I invented a cold air balloon, it just never took off.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

Snowflakes are one of nature’s most fragile things, but just look what they can do when they stick together. ~Vista M. Kelly

http://www.quotegarden.com

Friday Funny February 12, 2021 Romantic Ruminations

Happy Friday!  Just in case you have not looked at a calendar lately, Sunday is February 14th and that means it is Valentine’s Day.  I gathered a few interesting thoughts about love for you to ponder between now and then.

Enjoy!

“Love is sharing your popcorn.” ~ Charles Schultz

“Gravitation can’t be held responsible for people falling in love.” ~ Albert Einstein

“Love doesn’t make the world go round. Love is what makes the ride worthwhile.” ~ Franklin P. Jones

“I love being married. It’s so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” ~ Rita Rudner

“It is not love that makes a relationship complicated; it’s the people in it who do.” ~ Unknown

“I love you more than coffee, but please don’t make me prove it.” ~ Elizabeth Evans

“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.” ~ Charles M. Schulz

“Love is a two-way street constantly under construction.” ~ Carroll Bryant

“I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.” ~ Steven Wright

“People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.” ~ Bob Hope

 “Love is being stupid together.” ~ Paul Valery

“Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby- awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess.” ~ Lemony Snicket

“Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke.” ~ Lynda Barry

“My most brilliant achievement was my ability to persuade my wife to marry me.” ~ Winston Churchill

“When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.” ~ Mark Twain

“Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn’t show up on X-rays, but you know it’s there.” ~ George Burns

“The heart has its reasons, of which reason knows nothing.” ~ Blaise Pascal

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK 

“Love means nothing in tennis, but it’s everything in life.” ~ Unknown

Friday Funny February 5, 2021 Career Changes

Happy Friday!  The first part of a new year often has folks thinking about career changes.  At times I have considered some changes as well.

Enjoy!

I considered working at the helium factory but I simply refused to be spoken to in that tone.

I thought about getting into astronomy, there is a field that seems to be looking up.

I considered being a telemarketer, but decided it just was not my calling.

I thought about changing to archeology, but my plans ended in ruins.

I considered being a chemist, but I found that it was not the right solution.

I tried my hand at being a sculptor, but I lost all my marbles.

I considered a job as a waiter, at least it would allow me to put food on the table.

I considered switching to a career in mathematics but I discovered I was past my prime.

For a long time, I considered being a lawyer, but it lost its appeal.

I was on the path to be a train conductor, but I got side-tracked.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“To be successful, you have to have your heart in your business, and your business in your heart.”  ~Thomas J. Watson

http://www.quotegarden.com

Friday Funny January 29, 2021 Dinosaur Jokes

Happy Friday!  Congratulations – you have made it to the last Friday of January!  Your reward consists of some jokes that have been millions of years in the making.

Enjoy!

Would you call a dinosaur in high heels a Myfeetaresaurus?

Would you call a vision impaired dinosaur a Doyouthinkhsaurs?

Would you call a dinosaur who is a noisy sleeper a Brontosnorus?

Would you call a dinosaur car accident a tyrannosaurus wreck?

Would you call the former boyfriend/girlfriend of a dinosaur a Tyrannosaurus Ex?

Would you call a dinosaur that knows a lot of words a Thesaurus?

Would you call a dinosaur that asks a lot of deep questions a Philosiraptor?

Would you call a dinosaur who never gives up a Try-try-try-ceratops?

Would you What is the head of an Italian dinosaur crime family a Ptera Don?

Would you call the scariest dinosaur a The Terrordactyl?

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“You can only come to the morning through the shadows.” ~J.R.R. Tolkien

http://www.quotegarden.com

Friday Funny January 22, 2021 Computer Jokes

Happy Friday – already three weeks down in 2021!  Let’s kick off this Friday with a few computer related jokes chosen especially for you.

Enjoy!

Is it true that you should not use “beef stew” as a computer password because it is not stroganoff?

Was the computer tired when it got home from work because it had a hard drive?

If you crossed a computer programmer with an athlete would you get a disk-us thrower?

Is it true that a computer’s favorite music is Disk-O?

I read a news story about some computer hackers who escaped from the scene of their crime.  Apparently, they just ransomware.

Is it true that when computers want a snack, they prefer to eat chips?

If a doctor tells you that your eye injury was caused by staring at a computer screen for too long, you just might have a terminal disease.

Is it true that the computer crossed the road because it had been programmed by a chicken?

If you hold a hard drive to your ear can you hear the C:?

They say you are supposed to back up your files, but I still haven’t found reverse on my PC.

I had one more computer joke for you but it wasn’t funny. Not one bit.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“If Bill Gates had a dime for every time Windows crashes… oh, wait a minute, he already does.” ~Author Unknown

http://www.quotegarden.com

Friday Funny January 15, 2021 Doctor Jokes

Happy Friday!  The cold, gray days of winter had me feeling a little down, so I went to the Doctor………

Enjoy!

I told the Doctor that I was suffering from hallucinations, he told me that I was only imagining it.

I told the Doctor that I felt like I was a tennis racket, he told me that I was too highly strung.

I told the Doctor that I felt like I was a DVD, he told me that he thought he had seen me before.

I told the Doctor that my stomach was sore, he told me to stop my belly aching.

I told the Doctor that I felt like a piano, he told me to hang on while he made some notes.

I told the Doctor that I had swallowed a spoon, he told me to relax and try not to stir.

I told the Doctor that I swallowed a roll of film, he told me not to worry, that nothing would develop.

I told the Doctor that I felt like a set of curtains, he told me to pull myself together.

I told the Doctor that I had a ringing in my ears, he told me to answer it.

I told the Doctor that I felt like I was a professional wrestler, he told me to get a grip on myself.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.” ~Erma Bombeck

http://WWW.QUOTEGARDEN.COM