Category Archives: Humor

Friday Funny, October 7, 2022 More Fall Jokes

Happy Friday!  Fall is in air as the temperature cools and the leaves are beginning to change. Here are a few crisp jokes to kick off your weekend.

Enjoy!

If a tree takes a week of vacation in the fall, would it be called paid leaf?

Did you hear about the pumpkin that lost the boxing match? Seems he let his gourd down.

Is it true that trees hate going to school in the fall because they are easily stumped?

Is the best band to listen to in autumn The Pumpkin Spice Girls?

The other day I went to an apple library and I was reminded to talk with my in-cider voice.

I heard that Voltaire’s favorite dessert was Candide apples.

If you hunt wild boar in the fall, is it best to use an autumn-atic rifle?

I always carry a stone with me that I use to throw at people who play Christmas music in October.  I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.

I signed up to be part of a clinical trial to be done in October, it might be a trick or treatment.

October 10th promises to be a great day – 10/10

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“It’s the first day of autumn! A time of hot chocolatey mornings, and toasty marshmallow evenings, and, best of all, leaping into leaves!” ~ Winnie The Pooh

Friday Funny September 30, 2022 Jokes Good Enough for Government.

Happy Friday! I was out last week visiting Washington, DC, seeing the museums and monuments.  I am back with some government inspired Friday Funnies.

Enjoy!

Last week I learned that Washington, DC has more museums than Starbucks and McDonald’s combined.  Starbucks and McDonald’s have a combined total of 0 museums.

Congressman should wear uniforms like NASCAR drivers so we can identify their corporate sponsors.

Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.

A politician will find an excuse to get out of anything except office.

Is it true that when the President pushes the big red button, Chuck Norris’s cell phone rings?

If I could start a Non-Government-Organization, I would call it B.I.  That would be its Name-O.

My wife asked me, “If you could have any super-power, which one would you have?”  I said, “America.”

Putin’s government is kind of like Microsoft Edge, You can’t uninstall either.

I read a story about some mute pigeons that unsuccessfully tried to overthrow the government, apparently it was a failed coo.

I know this guy who hates candles, he thinks they were created as part of some government conspiracy.  He is a real anti-waxer.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.” ~ Groucho Marx

Friday Funny September 9, 2022 Jokes To Kick Off The Weekend

Happy Friday!  This week kicks off another NFL season, so I thought I would throw out some football jokes this week.

Enjoy!

Is it true that football centers wear hiking shoes?

Did you hear about the small ghost who was asked to join the football team because they needed a little team spirit?

Is it true that every year the Miami Dolphins lead the league in all porpoise yardage?

I read about the NFL kicker who finally married his high school sweetheart, seems she was a pretty fair catch.

Is it true that NFL players do not wear glasses because it is a contact sport?

I heard that women prefer watching football games when at the hairdressers.
The coverage is the same but the highlights are better.

Is it true that centipedes are not allowed to play on bug football teams because it takes them too long to put their cleats on?

If you crossed a football player and the Invisible Man would you get a football game like no one has ever seen?

I was going to share a poem I wrote about the NFL but it has 32 offensive lines..

One of these days, I am going to make an edgy football joke on Facebook, that is my goal post.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary.”Vince Lombardi

Friday Funny September 2, 2022 Jokes You Have to Work For

Happy Friday and Welcome to September.  We are at the unofficial end of summer and the Labor Day Weekend is upon us. Let’s kick off the long weekend with some work-related humor.

Enjoy!

My memory has gotten so bad it has actually caused me to lose my job. I’m still employed. I just can’t remember where.

I took a position as a security guard, my boss said that it was my job to watch the office. I’m currently on season 5.

On my way to work today, I saw a person dragging a clam on a leash behind him. I thought, it must be hard to walk with a pulled mussel. 

Would you call the boss at Old McDonald’s farm the C-I-E-I-O?

My boss asked me to roundup 18 employees quickly. I responded, “20.”

In my last performance review, I was told that my communication skills needed improvement. I didn’t know what to say.

I think that of all the inventions of the last century, the dry erase board is probably the most remarkable.

I heard that fewer and fewer people are going into archeology because the field is basically in ruins.

I asked if I could leave work early today, and my boss said, “yes, if you make up the time.” I said, “sure, it’s sixty-five past fifteen.”

My wife tells me I talk in my sleep all the time. But I’m skeptical. Nobody at work ever mentions it.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream.”~
C.S. Lewis

Friday Funny August 26, 2022 The Jokes Dreams Are Made Of

Happy Friday!  Usually, I have little trouble getting to sleep, but last night was not a usual night and I tossed and turned into the wee hours of the night.  So, why not some sleep jokes for this Friday?

Enjoy!

I heard that mountains are always tired because they don’t Everest.

The other night I was having trouble getting to sleep.  I scooted over to the edge of the bed and shortly thereafter I dropped off.

The other night I was dreaming that I wrote ‘The Lord Of The Rings.’ Apparently, I was Tolkien in my sleep.

Last week I slept with my Smartphone under my head and downloaded a nap.

I have started taking a ruler with me to bed so I can see how long I sleep.

Lately I am not sure whether you I have insomnia or amnesia and I am losing sleep trying to remember which one it is.

Did you know that when a lawyer needs a bed, he goes to a mattress firm?

Would you call a a sleepy woodcutter, a slumberjack?

Is it true that dragons usually sleep during the day because they fight knights?

Is it true that candles cannot get any sleep because there’s no rest for the wick-ed?

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Many things — such as loving, going to sleep, or behaving unaffectedly — are done worst when we try hardest to do them.” ~ C.S. Lewis

Friday Funny August 19, 2022 Back to School Jokes

Happy Friday!  Summer is coming to an end and school has started for many.  Let’s kick off a new school year with some corny school jokes!

Enjoy!

Is it true that the nose did not want to go to school because he was tired of getting picked on?

Is it true that the best way get straight A’s is by using a ruler?

I heard that calculators make great friends because you can always count on them?

Is it true that math books always look sad because they are full of problems?

Would you call a superhero in a computer class a screen saver?

I heard about an M&M that decided go to school because it really wanted to be a smartie.

Did you hear about the Lightening Bug who got bad grades at school because he was no very bright?

I read a story about a geography student who drown because all his grades below C-level.

Did you hear about the music teacher who was recruited to play baseball because he had a perfect pitch?

Is it true that surfers go to Boarding School?

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“The capacity to learn is a gift; the ability to learn is a skill; the willingness to learn is a choice.” ~ Brian Herbert

Friday Funny August 12, 2022 If You Tell Corny Jokes, They Will Laugh (Maybe)

Happy Friday!  This evening, as I prepare this, the “Field of Dreams” Baseball Game is taking place in Iowa between the Reds and Cubs.  So, in honor of Field of Dreams, here are some of the corniest jokes I could find.

Enjoy!

Is it true that melons do not have weddings because they cantaloupe.

Did you hear about the sailor who could not learn the alphabet?  It seems he kept getting lost at C.

Is it true that grass is dangerous because it is full of blades?

Is it true that the best way to tell a dogwood tree is by its bark?

If two snails get into a fight, do they slug it out?

Is it true that the most condescending bear is the pan-duh?

Would you call a priest who becomes a lawyer a father-in-law?

Is it true that cows have hooves and not feet because they lactose?

Is it true that Waldo only wears striped shirts because he doesn’t want to be spotted?

Is it true that pancakes do well at baseball because they have a better batter?

I read that swords will never become obsolete because they are cutting edge technology.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“The earth produces by itself, first the blade, then the ear, then the full grain in the ear. “ ~ Mark 4:28

Friday Funny August 5, 2022 Jokes You May or May Not Care For

Happy Friday! We all have those days that it is just a little harder to get motivated – these jokes are for days like that.

Enjoy!

I read a story the other day about an apathetic man who died.  Apparently, it was a shrug overdose.

I read another story this week about a new drug that makes its users apathetic, it’s called Crystal Meh.

And in a related story, I read where scientists have recently discovered a virus that increases the apathy of those infected, apparently no one seems to care.

What does an apathetic pastry Chef say? “I doughnut care.”

Would you call an apathetic Russian a So-be-it?

Would you call an apathetic cow, emoo-tionless?

Is the most apathetic island in the Pacific the I-don’t-care-Atoll?

Last year I joined the local apathetic club. No one cared enough to attend the meetings, though.

This year I set a goal to read the entire dictionary but for whatever reason I lost all interest and stopped somewhere around “apathy.”

Apparently my wife thinks that I am pretty apathetic; however I just realized that the “a” is silent.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Tolerance and apathy are the last virtues of a dying society.” ~ Aristotle

Friday Funny July 29, 2022 Today I Am Feeling Old

Happy Friday and Happy End of July!  Some days I look around me and I just feel old – today is one of those days.

Enjoy!

I’m so old that I remember when the high beam button was on the floorboard.

I’m so old that I remember having to spin the wheel to make a phone call.

I’m so old that I remember punch cards and even had to use them to write a computer program.

I’m so old that I remember walking across the room to change the TV station – and there were only 3 to choose from.

I‘m so old that I remember having 33, 45 and 78 rpm recordings.

I’m so old that I remember when cutting edge music was on vinyl THEN cassette THEN 8 track THEN CD’s THEN streaming.

I’m so old that I remember using the card catalog and the Readers’ Guide to Periodical Literature.

I’m so old that I remember when baseball cards came with a stick of very hard bubblegum.

I’m so old that I remember mimeograph pages and thermal faxes.

I’m so old that I remember when Saturday morning was about the only time you could see cartoons.

I’m so old I remember when the Borden Milk Man delivered to your door.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“I am so old that I can remember when other people’s achievements were considered to be an inspiration, rather than a grievance.” ~ Thomas Sowell

Friday Funny July 22, 2022

Happy Friday!  It seems like people are getting sillier every day.  I do not know why, but this week I wanted to share about some of my silly friends.

Enjoy!

I had a friend who is so silly, she put lipstick on her forehead to make up her mind.

I had a friend who is so silly, he went to the dentist to get a Bluetooth.

I had a friend who is so silly, she put airbags on her computer in case it crashed.

I had a friend who is so silly, he took a ruler to bed to see how long he slept.

I had a friend who is so silly, she wonders why so many people tell her that running is bad for your niece.

I had a friend who is so silly, he tripped over a cordless phone.

I had a friend who is so silly, she thinks Fleetwood Mac was a new hamburger at McDonald’s.

I had a friend who is so silly, he thought Dunkin’ Donuts was a new expansion team in the NBA.

I had a friend who is so silly, she thought Tiger Woods was a forest in India.

I had a friend who is so silly, he thought Tupac Shakur was a Jewish Holiday.

I had a friend who is so silly, she uses Old Spice for cooking.

I had a friend who was so silly, he thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.” ~ W.C. Fields