Category Archives: Humor

Friday Funny September 10, 2021 Kicking Off Another Football Season

Happy Friday! There is just a touch of fall in the air and another NFL season kicks off this weekend. While many are excited for a new season, I am starting my second decade of not caring about the NFL. Mike Brown cured me during the 2010 season and I have discovered there are many other ways to spend Sunday afternoons. Allow me to kick the weekend off with a few football jokes.

Enjoy!

I understand that Tom Brady can be very polarizing sports figure. On one hand, he has five super bowl rings; butt on the other hand, he only has two.

If you crossed a football player and the Invisible Man would you get football like no one has ever seen?

I heard that Scrooge ended up with the football after the ghost of Christmas passed.

What did the football player say to the flight attendant?  “Put me in coach!”

Scrambled eggs are a lot like the Cincinnati Bengals, they’ve both been beaten.

Would you call 20 Bengals fans in the basement a whine cellar?

Is it true that the Bengals had to shut down their team website because they could not string three “W’s” together.

The Bengals have something in common with a Chick-Fil-A, neither one shows up for work on Sunday.

The Bengals have something in common with my mailman, neither deliver on Sundays.

I wanted to teach my dog to roll over and play dead so I had him watch a couple of Bengals games.

I saw there is a recall on all infant clothing with a Bengals logo on it, seems it is a a choking hazard.

Is it true the Bengals count to ten this way? 0-1, 0-2, 0-3, 0-4, 0-5, 0-6, 0-7, 0-8, 0-9, 0-10.

This week I really wanted to make some edgy football jokes on my blog – it was my goal post.

THOUGHT THE THE WEEK

“When you win, say nothing. When you lose, say less.” ~ Paul Brown

Friday Funny September 3, 2021 Hard Working Jokes for Labor Day

Happy Friday! We have come to the unofficial end of summer with the arrival of Labor Day Weekend. Let’s celebrate with some hard-working jokes.

Enjoy!

I wanted to be a Gregorian monk, but somehow, I never got the chants.

I wanted to be a competitive eater; unfortunately, I just never had the stomach for it.

I wanted to be a computer programmer, but I just couldn’t hack it.

I wanted be an engineer, but I burned too many bridges.

I wanted to be a telemarketer, but it just wasn’t my calling.

For a while I had a job as a waiter. I did not really like it but at least I was putting food on the table.

For a while I had a job as a door-to-door bicycle salesman, I was a peddler.

For a while I had a job as a hot dog vendor, I didn’t relish it. 

I once had a jab as an upholsterer, I never recovered.

I once had a job as a masseur, but I rubbed people the wrong way.

I once had a job as a Velcro salesman, but I just couldn’t stick with it.

I wanted to be a stand-up comedian, but I was worried that people would laugh at me.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream.” ~ C.S. Lewis

Friday Funny August 27, 2021 How Hot Is it?

Happy Friday! Although the calendar says that the end of summer is approaching, it appears that summer does not want to go anywhere, in fact it has been downright hot lately! How hot has has it been? Glad you asked!

Enjoy!

It is so hot that I saw Bengals fans taking the bags off their heads.

It is so hot that my firecrackers are lighting themselves.

It is so hot that Skyline cannot make chili dogs.

It is so hot that my shirts iron themselves.

It is so hot that I saw a chicken lay an omelet.

It is so hot that my delivery pizza was still warm when it arrived at my door.

It is so hot that my dream house is an igloo.

It is so hot they are going to install a fan in the debt ceiling.

It is so hot that Alexa asked to be dipped in a glass of ice water.

It is so hot that all the water buffalo at the zoo evaporated.

It is so hot that I Tabasco sauce tastes mild.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

Considering the way the world is, one happy day is almost a miracle.” ~Paulo Coelho

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Friday Funny August 20, 2021 Back To School

Happy Friday! It does not seem possible, but we are at the end of the summer school break and many schools are already back in session. So to kick off the new school year, here are some back to school jokes.

Enjoy!

Is it true that the freshman ate his homework because his teacher said it was a piece of cake?

I heard that the geometry book was sad because it had too many problems.

Did you hear about the young man who had a report card that was wet because it was below C level?

Would you call the leader of an AP biology gang the Nucleus?

Is it true that the moebius strip could not enroll in school because it required an orientation?

Would you call high school kids who have not been able to go to school because of Covid-19 Quaranteens?

I remember getting a B- for my high school sewing project. The teacher’s only comment was “seams reasonable.”

In high school I was voted Most Likely to Lie About Past Accomplishments.  It’s true.

In high school I was also voted “Most Secretive”.  I can’t tell you how much that meant to me.

I heard about a local high school band called 1023 Megabytes, they never made it to a gig.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

Nothing is as stupid as an educated man if you get him off the thing he was educated on. ~Will Rogers http://www.quotegarden.com

Friday Funny July 30, 2021 Jokes You Should Have Seen Coming

Happy Friday! We come to the end of July and there is still a lot of uncertainly as to where things are headed in 2021. Sometimes one might think it would be useful to see into the future. I am not so sure that would be helpful, but I do see some jokes about fortune telling in your future.

Enjoy!

I friend told me that he had call a psychic due to strange sightings of a chicken’s spirit haunting his home.  It turned out it was a  poultrygeist.

A psychic walks into a bar, but he should have seen it coming, right?

Would you call a psychic who is bad at predicting the future a non-prophet?

Did the psychic chicken cross the road to get in touch with the other side?

Would you call a psychic kitchen remodeler Counter Intuitive?

I had a psychic claim that she could tell what’s inside a wrapped birthday present. – She said it was a gift.

I heard about a psychic hermit crab, he makes shell-fulfilling prophecies.

Would you call an albino clairvoyant master hypnotist from Las Angeles a Super Pallid Cali Mystic Expert At Hypnosis?

I knew someone who started her career as a psychic but gave it up because she did not see any future in it.

Would you call an obese psychic a four chin teller?

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“I’m a psychic amnesiac, I know in advance what I’ll forget.” ~ Steven Wright

Friday Funny July 23, 2021 More Jokes for the Dog Days of Summer

Happy Friday! We are approaching that time of the year referred to as the “Dog Days of Summer.” Seems like a good time to unleash some dog jokes.

Enjoy!

I heard that dogs tend to run in circles because they find it too difficult to run in squares.

I crossed a sheepdog with a rose, now I have a collie-flower.

I crossed a dog with a frog, now I have a croaker-spaniel.

I crossed my dog with a calculator, now I have a friend I can count on.

I tried to cross my dog with a computer but I ended with too many bites.

My dog really loves my smartphone.  It has collar ID.

I took my dog to the park but the ducks kept trying to bite him. I guess that is what I should have expected with a pure bread.

I once took in a wild dog that I found.  He spent a lot of time meditating; I think he was an aware wolf.

I finally figured out how to stop my dog from digging up the garden.  I hid his shovel.

I recently purchased a dog from a blacksmith, as soon as I got him home, he made a bolt for the door.

The other day a Policeman came to my door to tell me that my dog had been chasing a guy on his bike.  That really threw me off, I did not know that my dog was even able to ride a bike.

Thought for the Week

What do dogs do on their day off? Can’t lie around – that’s their job.” ~ George Carlin

Friday Funny June 25, 2021 Hey Mr. Umpire!

Happy Friday! I have finally been able to return as a spectator to the old ball yard. It is always great to get some peanuts, to root-root-root for the home team and to heckle the umpire! In case you need a little assistance in preparing for your return to baseball, I am here to help with some ready made heckling!

Enjoy!

  • Hey Mr. Umpire……

Did you lose your strike zone in the lights?

You make more bad calls than a telemarketer!

I’ve heard better calls at a square dance!

You couldn’t call a cab!

It sure sounded like a strike!

I’ve seen potatoes with better eyes!

For a guy that only works 3 hours a day, you’re doing a pretty bad job!

You couldn’t see the plate if your dinner was on it!

Did you leave your prescription mask at the hotel?

LensCrafters called…they’ll be ready in 30 min.

That pitch was so far outside it had a hat and coat on!

You couldn’t recognize a strike in a bowling alley!

That pitch was so inside it took out his appendix!

You’ve been calling that a strike all day long, don’t get a conscience now!

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“How can you not get romantic about baseball?” ~ Billy Beane, Moneyball

Friday Funny June 18, 2021 Too Much Coffee

Happy Friday! Growing up, I thought that I would never drink coffee. Then during my freshman year of college I came to the realization that coffee was a lot cheaper than soda pop. Ever since then I have been drinking a LOT of coffee, but how much coffee is too much coffee? (That is a silly question – there is never too much!) However, if you think it is possible to have too much coffee, there are a few signs that might serve as indicators.
Enjoy!

You Know You Drink Too Much Coffee When…
• Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
• All your kitchen appliances are made by Mr. Coffee.
• You speed walk – in your sleep.
• You grind your own coffee beans – in your mouth.
• The doctor uses a tachometer to take your pulse.
• You sleep with your eyes open.
• You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
• You lick your coffeepot clean.

You spent your last vacation visiting “Maxwell House.”
• You’re the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don’t even work there.
• You have a T-shirt that says, “Decaffeinated coffee is the devil’s blend.”
• All your children are named “Joe”.
• You don’t sweat, you percolate.
• You’ve worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
• You walk twenty minutes on your treadmill before you realize it’s not plugged in.
• People get dizzy just watching you.
• Dunkin’ Doughnuts owns the mortgage on your house.
• Your life’s goal is to amount to a hill of beans. •
• Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
• Your hand is permanently shaped to hold your mug.
• You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
• You once had a crush on Mrs. Olsen.
• You think being called a “drip” is a compliment.
• You don’t tan, you roast.
• You can’t even remember your second cup.
• You help your dog chase its tail
.
You get a speeding ticket even when you’re parked.
• You’re offended when people use the word “brew” to mean beer.
• You named your cats “Cream” and “Sugar.”
• You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
• You don’t get mad, you get steamed.
• Your birthstone is a coffee bean
• Your blood type is Arabica positive.
• Your resume lists Tim Horton as a reference.
• You have a tattoo that says, “Born to Brew.”
• You can play the “Minute Waltz” in 34 seconds
• When someone says. “How are you?” you reply, “Good to the last drop.”
• You introduce your spouse as your Coffeemate.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

It is inhumane, in my opinion, to force people who have a genuine medical need for coffee to wait in line behind people who apparently view it as some kind of recreational activity.~ Dave Barry

Friday Funny June 11, 2021 Fun Things to Do While Driving

Happy Friday! Now that we are past Memorial Day, more people will be hitting the roads looking for some rest and relaxation. A lot of time driving can get a little boring, so here are a few suggestions to liven up that time in the car.

Enjoy!

Whenever you pass a cow, put your window down and yell “Moo!” as loud as you can.

Give a friendly wave to everyone you see. If they wave back, offer an offended and angry look.

Put your arms down the legs of an extra pair of trousers, put sneakers on your hands, then lean back as you drive.

Whenever possible, make lizard faces at small children in the back seat of other vehicles.

Put a puppet on your driving hand and have him hold the wheel. Have the puppet talk to people you pass or while at a stop light.

Write the words “Help me” on your back window in red. The more it looks like blood, the better.

Eat cherries while you drive and spit the pits out your window.

Honk your horn at geese to see if you can get them to honk back.

Stick your head out the window and pant like a dog.

Roll down your window and yell at children reminding them to brush their teeth before going to bed.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Life is a long road on a short journey.” ~James Lendall Basford (1845–1915), Seven Seventy Seven Sensations, 1897

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Friday Funny June 4, 2021 Hard Working Jokes

Happy Friday! June is here and it appears that there is a return to normalcy around the bend. The past year has been hard on a lot of people and businesses. People are starting to get out and offices are opening back up. So, let’s kick off the weekend with hard working jokes.

Enjoy!

I have a friend who works at a medicine factory, he said that during the pandemic work was so slow that you could hear a cough drop.

I have a friend who is an electrician, he said that he has been closing early for the last year because business is light.

I have a friend who tried his hand at being a limo driver during the past year.  He tried really hard but he did not get a single customer.  All that effort and nothing to chauffeur it.

I have another friend who tried to start a hot air balloon business during the pandemic but it just doesn’t take off.

I have a friend who used to be the host of a blackjack table, with the economy recovering he got a better deal.

Before the pandemic, a friend of mine owned a paper business but it folded.

I have a friend who is an archeologist, she says that post-pandemic her career lies in ruins.

I had a friend who had a doughnut shop before the pandemic, now she is just tired of the hole business.

I had another friend who wanted to open a pastry shop during the pandemic, but he couldn’t raise the dough.

I knew a guy who, before the pandemic, had a job tying sausages together; however, he just could not make ends meet.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

There are no menial jobs, only menial attitudes. ~William J. Bennett, The Book of Virtues

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