Category Archives: Humor

Friday Funny September 25, 2020 Fall Jokes

Happy Friday! Happy Fall! Congratulations for surviving the summer of 2020!  Hopefully even as the days grow shorter the outlook will grow brighter.  Don’t stop be-leafing in the wonder of fall!

Enjoy!

I would tell you my autumn joke but you probably wouldn’t fall for it.

Did you hear about the scarecrow who was outstanding in his field?

Is it true that the vehicle of choice for a scarecrow is an Autumn-mobile?

Is it true that leaves fall off of trees in the Autumn because of nostalgia as they are simply trying to get back to their roots?

Would you call a pepper in late autumn a little chili?

Did the apple pie cry because its peelings were hurt?

Do the leaves turn colors at the same time each year because the process is autumnated?

If a tree deserted the forest at the end of fall would it be considered absent without leaves?

Did you know that, in addition to migratory birds, lions also move at the end of summer? It is true that the pride goeth before the fall.

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall – hope you do too!

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

And myriad leaves, on which the Summer wrote
Her blushing farewell, at my feet were strown.
~Albert Laighton (1829–1887), “In the Woods,” c.1859

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Friday Funny September 17, 2020 – Car Names

Happy Friday!  Some folks believe that what you drive makes a statement about who you are: however, with some of these names I wonder what the marketing department was thinking.

Some of these are still being manufactured, some can still be found on the road and others are long gone, but the names live on.

Enjoy!

MR2 – The Toyota MR2 was a sporty little number whose production stopped in Japan in 2007.  I can hear the marketing genius, “MR some nice cars they’re making these days.”

Cappucino – Just swing by your favorite coffee shop and pick up a Suzuki Cappucino.

Thing – I think the entire marketing department at Volkswagen must have all been on vacation.

Nova – in Spanish – “no va” Translation: “Doesn’t go.”

Dodge Diplomat/Chevrolet – these were not driven by celebrities nor diplomats.

Eclipse – biggest problem is that you can never see it when there is another car parked between it and you.

Prism – what color is it?  Well that depends on how the sun hits it.

Aspire – what does it aspire to?  Being a better car perhaps?

Protégé – it has the potential to one day be a really good car.

Brat – a small ill-mannered and annoying vehicle, isn’t that just what everyone would want?

Yaris – might be a great car, but it sounds like it might be the little brother of Yoda.

Eldorado a car named after a mythical city in South America– did this car really exist or is it just a legend?

Fury  – the ideal car for road rage before we had a name for road rage.

Excel – the perfect car for accountants or anyone who likes spreadsheets.

Fusion –  maybe if you drive fast enough it liquefies or explodes.

Meteor – does it glow brighter the faster you drive it until it blows up into tiny pieces?

Gremlin – it did sort of look like it had been manufactured by a band of small mischievous gnomes.

Hornet – name a car after a pesky, stinging insect? 

Leaf – does it turn brown and blow away in the fall?

Monte Carlo – every time you turn the key, it’s a gamble.

Satellite – has a tendency to just circle the parking lot over and over again.

Probe – I won’t even touch this one

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers. ~Dave Barry, “Things That It Took Me 50 Years to Learn”

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Friday Funny September 11, 2020 A Full Serving of Diet Jokes

Happy Friday!  Perhaps all of the quarantining has you dealing with a few Covid pounds that that have sneaked onto your frame.  I cannot help you jettison those pounds, but I can let you binge on a few diet jokes.

Enjoy!

If I had a dollar for every time I said that I was going to go on a diet, I would have enough money to buy that treadmill that I am never going to use.

I was going to begin a new diet tonight, but I have too much on my plate.

I started a 10-day crash diet last week.  I don’t want to brag, but I finished it in one day.

I am thinking about going on a cheese only diet – I need to cheddar a few pounds.

I was going to put my dog on a vegan diet but he doesn’t really like vegans.

Would you call a fascist vegan lactose intolerant?

I’ve heard that in an upcoming Star Wars movie Luke will be sent to a Jedi in Italy who specializes diets, his name is Only One Cannoli.

Do you know what diets and social distancing have in common – they both flatten the curve.

I asked my wife if it would be good to include hot dogs in my diet.  She said, “They’re not the wurst.”

I’ve decided to start the Cincinnati Bengal diet – not much happens through the week but I expect to lose a lot on Sundays.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends. ~Author unknown

http://WWW.QUOTEGARDEN.COM

Friday Funny September 4, 2020 More Sleep Jokes

Happy Friday and welcome to September!  Labor Day weekend brings with it the unofficial end of a very strange summer.  2020 has brought many concerns that might have caused you to loose some sleep.  If you cannot sleep maybe you can ponder a few sleep related jokes while you stare at the ceiling.

Enjoy!

Apparently, I snore so loudly that I can scare all the passengers in my car while I am driving.

Every morning after I wake up, the first thing I do is make my bed.  I am about ready to return it to Ikea.

I purchased an off-brand Memory foam mattress; it cannot remember who I am.

I know a couple who bought a water bed back when they were popular.  Since then they have drifted apart.

I read that almost one-third of people let their pet sleep on the bed with them.  I thought I would give it a try, my goldfish died.

They say that everyone dreams in black and white.  I am pretty sure that my dreams are in color.  Could it just be a pigment of my imagination?

I was going to tell you about my dream involving a Lion, a Witch and a Wardrobe, but I decided that it is Narnia business.

Once I had a disturbing dream where I was trapped in Panama during a snowstorm. It turns out I was just dreaming of a white isthmus

The other night I had a dream that I was swimming in an entire ocean of  orange soda, it turns out it was just a Fanta sea.

I had a recurring dream once.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

Sleep: a poor substitute for caffeine. ~Author Unknown

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Friday Funny August 28,2020 College Essentials

As we come to the end of August, it is usually time for college campuses to begin to buzz anew with activity. Like everything else in 2020, the return to campus is not “business as usual.” For those that are packing up and heading to a college campus, there are a number of lists out there of the “essential” things one needs to take along with them.

Looking at these lists, like many things these days, makes me feel old.  Ages ago when I headed off to college what I could take along was limited to what I could fit in a footlocker and a suitcase.

Some of these items, while perhaps essential today would not have done me much good way back when.

Enjoy!

A wallet that sticks to the back of your phone.  – Not sure why I would have wanted to have my wallet stuck to the one phone that was on the wall down the hall.

An iPod, headphones and a blue tooth speaker.  – Back in my day, I had a quadraphonic system with four wired speakers and a selection of vinyl albums.

A microwave that will make your favorite dishes – While one can run out today and buy a microwave for under $50, they were a lot more when I was younger.  I was out of college and married for a couple of years before I could afford a microwave.

Laptop computer and printer. – As a high school graduation present, I received a great item that could do the tasks of both word processing and printing, it was called a typewriter.

32-Inch 1080p Smart LED TV – Survived my freshman year with no TV, sophomore year my roommate brought a 12-inch black & white TV. 

A tablet/kindle for reading in your free time. – If, and that is a big if, I had free time and felt like reading, I could go to a place on campus that was called a library and read an item called a book, no batteries or charging were required.

A moleskin journal that you can use for handy notes, the article recommends one that can be purchased for $25.99.  I guess I was not cool or fashionable with my $0.79 college ruled spiral notebooks.

 Hydro-Flask Water Bottle for carrying water around.  Back in my day, somehow, we could manage to make it through an hour without a glass of water.  Then between classes one could stop by something called a water-fountain.

Small iron & ironing pad.  I am pretty sure I survived my college years without ironing a single item

Cleaning supplies: Surface spray or wipes, laundry detergent, dish soap, aromatic room spray, stain remover, etc. – Because every college student is fastidiously clean, right?

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

No man should escape our universities without knowing how little he knows.  ~J. Robert Oppenheimer

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Friday Funny August 21, 2020 Double the Laughs – Twin Humor

Happy Friday!  In the midst of what has indeed been a crazy year, I have had two very good weeks.  Two weeks ago my oldest son married a wonderful young lady and last Friday my middle son and his lovely wife had twin boys.  This week I just had to share some snappy answers to few silly twin questions.

Enjoy!

Are they twins? – No, we found an extra baby in the parking lot and decided to keep it.

Are they twins? – No, the hospital was having a Buy One Get One Free special and we could not resist.

Are they twins? No, we liked our baby so much we had it cloned.

Are they twins? No, but it is amazing how life-like holograms are these days.

Are they twins? No, they are triplets. But we leave the ugly one at home.

Are they twins? Twins? Where did this second baby come from??

Are they twins? No, we always carry a stunt double.

Are they twins? We don’t know for sure. We haven’t had them tested.

Are they twins? – No, they were triplets. But the dog ate one.

 How do you manage keeping up with twins? I didn’t know there was an option.

Do twins run in your family? Let’s give them time to learn to crawl first.

Are they natural? Actually, they are supernatural. One can has super strength and the other has super vision.

Are they natural?  Actually, they are robots that suck the life out of me.

Are they natural? Actually, they are aliens from another planet light years away.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“There are two things in life for which we are never truly prepared: twins. “~Josh Billings

Friday Funny July 24, 2020 Snappy Job Interview Responses

Happy Friday!  After a little break, the Friday Funny has returned.  Let’s wrap up a work week with some snappy answers to interview questions.

Enjoy!

I was once asked in job interview if I could perform under pressure. 

I said no, but I can do a pretty good Stairway to Heaven.

I was once asked in job interview, “where do you see yourself in 5 years?”   I said, “in a mirror”

I was once asked in job interview about punctuality.  I said I thought it was important to speak clearly and politely and it how vital it was to use proper grammar in speech and writing.

I was once asked in job interview, “What would you say is your greatest weakness?”  I said, “Interpreting semantics of a question but ignoring the pragmatics.” The interviewer asked, “Could you give an example?”  I said, “Yes, I could.”

I was once asked in job interview what my previous job was.  I said that I had been an Alien Hunter.  The interviewer replied, “But Aliens don’t exist!”  I said, “You’re welcome.”

I was once asked in job interview to describe myself in three words.  I said, “efficient.”

I was once asked in job interview what my greatest weakness was.  I said, I have been told that I can be condescending, that means I talk down to people.”

I was once asked in job interview about my background. I showed him my phone, with a photo Mt. McKinley.

My recruiter told me a joke about work. I laughed, but in fact I didn’t get it.

I once had an interview for a job as a farrier once. I was asked if I had ever shoed a horse. I said, “No, but once I had to tell a donkey to go away”.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

Without labor nothing prospers.  ~Sophocles

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Friday Funny June 5, 2020 A Few Staycation Tips

Happy Friday!  I hope this finds you well.  While the world begins to come out of self-isolation there continues to be a lot of questions about summer travel.  Perhaps yo have already decided to hunker down for your summer vacation.  Let me offer a few tips on how you can help that staycation have a real vacation feel.

Enjoy!

Live Out of Your Suitcase – have everyone pack a suitcase for the week of staycation.  Everyone much wear only what is in the suitcase.  This will help you remember that you ALWAYS forget at least one essential item.

Create Your Own Jetlag – while everyone is asleep set all the clocks up or back three hours depending on which coast is closer.  Live on the clock schedule until the last night and then change the clocks back.

Simulated Road Trip-load your luggage, snacks and kids in the car while it is in the garage.  Sit in the car and listen to the radio for 8 hours.  Only allow bathroom breaks in the same frequency that you would if you were driving somewhere.  Kids can play games, watch videos, snack and whine just like on real trip.

TSA Check & Flight Delays – if flying is your preference to driving, set up you own TSA check point in the house.  Pretend that the family is flying on a trip.  Give everyone tickets with a time printed on them, preferably an early morning time.  Make everyone show up at your TSA checkpoint two hours before the “ticket time.”  After making everyone empty their pockets and take off their belts and shoes, tell them that the flight has been delayed three hours.  For that added airport feel, put the TV on CNN and charge them $5 for a bagel.

WiFi Passwords – reset your WiFi Passwords nightly and make everyone ask you for the new one when they need to log in.

Sand – you cannot go to the beach without bringing back some sand.  So purchase a bag of sand and sprinkle it in the car, around the house.  For that authentic feel, at night after everyone is asleep, sprinkle a little sand over the clothes in everyone’s suitcase.   Everyone will feel like they have been to the beach all day long!

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers. ~ George Carlin

Friday Funny May 29, 2020 New Chicken Farmer

Happy Friday!  I hope this finds you safe and healthy.  These days people are trying their hand at a lot of different things, some with better success than others.

Enjoy!

The Corona-virus has impacted many different aspects of our lives.  I read an article citing data from Scotts Miracle-Gor indicating that, compared to a year ago, 36% more Americans are trying to grow their own vegetables, herbs and tomatoes this year.  I came across other stories stating that raising chicken has become a popular pandemic project.  

Then there was the story about the life-long city-slicker who decided that he was going to start raising chickens.  He figured if he was going to all the trouble of raising chickens for his family, he might as well get extra chickens so that he could raise and sell them to friends and neighbors. 

He built a few large coups on his property and searched out the nearest chick supplier.  He went and purchased 100 chicks. He was excited to get started on this new and. Hopefully, profitable hobby.

Two weeks later he was back.  His chick supplier asked him how things were going. The new chicken-farmer said, “Not too good. All 100 chickens died.”  

The man replied “Oh, I can’t believe that. I’ve never had any trouble with my chickens. Tell you what, I’ll give you 100 more.”  

Another two weeks went by, and the chick supplier stopped by to see how the new batch was progressing. The new farmer just shook his head and said, “You’re not going to believe this, but the second 100 chickens died too.”  

Astounded, the chic supplier asked, “I just don’t understand.  Any idea what went wrong?”  

Well, says the new farmer, “I’m not sure. But I think I’ve narrowed it down that I am either planting them too deep or too far apart.”

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken.” ~ Frank Perdue

 

Friday Funny May 22, 2020 More Chuck Norris Facts

Happy Friday! This Memorial Day weekend will certainly be a different kind of Memorial Day for many of us.  Be sure to take some time to reflect on the purpose and meaning of this holiday even in the midst of the current situation.  This also marks the unofficial start of summer which promises to be a unique summer by any measure.

In desperate times we often look for a hero, so seems like a good time to ponder a few “facts” about Chuck Norris.

Enjoy!

Chuck Norris got Corona-virus. Now the Corona-virus is in isolation.

The flu gets a Chuck Norris shot every year.

Freddy Krueger has nightmares about Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders

Chuck Norris can drown a fish.

Chuck Norris can kill your imaginary friends.

Chuck Norris can find the end of a circle.

Chuck Norris can make a slinky go upstairs.

Chuck Norris can sit in the corner of a round room.

Chuck Norris has a grizzly bear carpet in his room. The bear isn’t dead, it’s just afraid to move.

Chuck Norris can eat just one Lay’s potato chip.”

If at first you don’t succeed, you’re not Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris knows words that rhyme with Orange

Chuck Norris can lick his elbow.

Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water and make it drink.

Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“You are not what has happened to you. You are what you choose to become.”                    ~ Chuck Norris