Monthly Archives: January 2020

Friday Funny January 31, 2020 Football Jokes for the Big Game

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Happy Friday!  I hear there is a big football game this weekend, so here are a few jokes that you can break out of the huddle with.

Enjoy!

Did you hear about the running back who hurt his back trying to run around his own end? 

Did you hear about the football player who ran through a screen door?  He strained himself.

Did you hear about the football team that hired a small ghost because they needed a little team spirit?

Is it true that centipedes are not allowed to play football because it takes them too long to tie their cleats?

Is it true that when football players begin to have problems with their eyesight, they become referees?

Would you call the son of an offensive lineman a chip off the old blocker?

Do centers wear hiking shoes on their feet?

When quarterbacks get too old to play do they put them put them out to pass-ture?

Did you hear about the football team that fumbled an exorcism? The guy retained possession.

If the coach’s dog ran onto the field during a game would the referee call that an ineligible retriever down field?

How did Scrooge end up with the football?  The ghost of Christmas passed.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“We can’t run. We can’t pass. We can’t stop the run. We can’t stop the pass. We can’t kick. Other than that, we’re just not a very good football team right now.” ~ Bruce Coslet on the Cincinnati Bengals team he was coaching.

My Big Game Challenge

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We are smack dab in the middle of the hype for the Big Game (like Valdemort only the fearless dare write the words “Super Bowl”).  I have  seen stories on the national network news  about who will sing the National Anthem; I have heard commercials for the morning shows talking about what the commercials will be during the game;  I have seen ads for how to make your Big Game party the best Big Game party ever.  It seems like everywhere you turn there is a Big Game Challenge.  Well here is my big game challenge – just say no – don’t watch it.

Call me crazy, but let’s be ultra radical, counter cultural rebels this year and just ignore the whole thing.  Let me say that I was ahead of my time on this one.  It has nothing to do with politics, I stopped watching the Super Bowl years ago.  Why?  Because this whole thing has gotten completely out of control.  This is a football game, albeit a very big championship game, but it is still a football game.  And why do people gather to watch this particular football game? Apparently  they spend a lot of money on food and invite people over to watch commercials and a half-time show that would make Milli Vanilli look good!  People spend time, effort and money to host a party to watch commercials?  And you think I’m the crazy one here??

A number of years ago, I awoke on the Sunday of the Big Game, turned on the TV BEFORE going to church and the pregame show had already started.  The game would not be starting for more than twelve hours.  That day, a little light went on for me and I decided I would never watch another Super Bowl.  I will flip to the station a time or two or check the score on the internet, but I refuse to watch the game.  (I will make an exception if the Bengals ever make it back, but hey what are the odds of that ever happening?)

Think about it, this week we will hear all the questions about the Big Game, some might even make sense; however someone will probably come up with a gem like the one that was asked Dallas running back Emmitt Smith prior to Super Bowl XXVII.  A brilliant journalist asked him, “What are you going to wear in the game Sunday?”

Admittedly many people watch the game for the commercials.  This Sunday advertisers will pay over $5 million for a thirty-second commercial.  For Super Bowl I, that same amount of money would have bought most of the time that the game aired. If any of the commercials are good, I can always watch them on You Tube.

Some people watch it for the half-time show which is supposedly one of the most watched events in the country.  Early on, the halftime featured college and high school marching bands.  Over the years the halftime show has featured Al Hirt three times, Carol Channing twice, Up With People a record four times, Michael Jackson and wardrobe malfunction sister Janet, Diana Ross, Blues Brothers and who could forget 1989 when halftime featured, Elvis Presto an Elvis impersonator AND a magician!  In 2012 three million more people watched the halftime show than watched the game!  Maybe this is not a championship football game with a halftime show; maybe it is a fifteen minute show with half a football game before and after it?  

Just for fun – here is the Up With People halftime show from Super Bowl XVI which the Bengals actually played in.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pxK3qTsj_eE

Come be a rebel and join me in my quixotic quest, we can change the world one television set at a time.

Friday Funny January 24, 2020 Church Painting

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Happy Friday!  The days are getting a little longer as we have moved a month away from the shortest day of the year.  Longer days and warmer temperatures are on the way – it will just take a couple of more months for them to get here.  In the meantime here is a little story ab a little church that needed painting.

Enjoy!

Pastor Painting The Church

Once upon a time there was a quaint little church out in the countryside: it was painted white and had a a high steeple.

One day, the pastor noticed that the church needed some attention, the paint was starting to crack and peel.  However, funds were quite tight, so it would have to wait.  A few days later he noticed that the local hardware store was running a sale on paint.  So, he thought this must be a sign and he went into town and bought a few gallons of white paint hoping that it would be enough to paint the entire building.

The next Saturday he got to the task of painting.  As he finished the first side. All was well and it was looking great. However, he noticed he had already used more than half of his supply of paint. He really did not have the time or the funds run back in town for more paint.  He looked around the church shed and found a gallon of thinner.  So, he began to thin his paint hoping to have enough to complete the task.

It seemed to work out fine.  He finished the remaining three sides and admired his work when he was done.  However, that night, a big thunderstorm rolled through with lots of heavy rain. The next morning when he stepped outside of the parsonage to his dismay he noticed that the first side still looked good, but that the paint on the other three sides had been washed away.

Distraught, the pastor looked up at sky in anguish and cried out, “What shall I do?”A moment later a booming voice came back from the heavens saying, “Repaint! repaint! and thin no more!”

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

‘Don’t let your worries get the best of you; remember, Moses started out as a basket case.’

Not the Usual Weather Forecast – Cloudy With a Chance of Iguanas

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I live in Southwestern Oho and so far this winter I have little to complain about.  There has been little snow so far.  Although the last couple of days have stayed below freezing, I can’t complain about the temperatures so far this year.  I guess every area has its own unique issues to deal with.  But this evening I saw a forecast that I find quite unusual.

Miami, Florida is preparing for a “cold snap.”  Cold is a relative term what is considered cold in Miami is not cold in Ohio, but what is cold in Ohio is not cold in Chicago and what is cold in Chicago is not cold in Alaska.  However, this afternoon, the National Weather Service in Miami issued a forecast which included a rare advisory to be aware that, due to the cold temperatures, there may be iguanas falling out of trees. 

Lest you think I am making this up – here is a link to a story from a local Miami TV station: https://fox6now.com/2020/01/21/dont-be-surprised-national-weather-service-in-miami-warns-of-falling-iguanas-due-to-cold/

So, in the morning when you head out for the day you might have to take an umbrella; you might have to wrap up in a coat, hat, gloves; you might even have to shovel the drive or slide through snow on your way.  But, unless you live in Miami, at least you won’t have to worry about iguanas falling out of the trees and onto you head.

Friday Funny January 17, 2019 More Dad Jokes

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Happy Friday! Congratulations on making it through the first half of the first month of 2020!  To celebrate here are a few “Dad Jokes” for you.

Enjoy!

Justice is a dish best served cold, if it were served warm it would be justwater.

Would call an elephant that doesn’t matter an irrelephant?

Would you call a fish with two knees a two-knee fish!

Would you call the wife of a hippie Mississippi?

If a slice of apple pie is $4.50 in the Bahamas and $5.00 in Jamaica would those be the pie rates of the Caribbean?

The other day I was really down and a friend of mine kept saying “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.” I know he means well.

What did the horse say after it tripped? “Help! I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup!”

If you rearrange the letters of “Postmen”. They get really mad.

Did you hear about the drummer that had twin daughters? He named them Anna one, Anna two.

I’m thinking about removing my spine. I feel like it’s only holding me back.

Thought for the Week

“Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.” –Ferris Bueller

 

 

A Hole In One – Not Good For Socks

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Every once in a while, I have a propensity to vent.  I will preface my vent with the acknowledgment that things I have a tendency to vent about “don’t amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world” as Rick Blaine might say. Yet, sometimes they can get really get my goat (if I had a goat).  While golfers may dream of a hole on one, the only holes in one I came across are in my socks.  There are some socks that I have that I would actually be excited to get a hole in one in (yes, I do need to get out more). 

I would welcome a hole in one in those socks that I do not like and I have several pairs of socks that I do not like.  Yet, somehow those pairs of socks know that I do not like them and out of sheer spite, they absolutely refuse to wear out.  Out of spite, I make sure to wear these socks as often as possible to hasten their demise; but they steadfastly refuse to wear out.  For a some pairs this is a decades-long struggle with the eventual victor yet to be determined.

On the other hand, or perhaps I should say on the other foot, are socks that I like.  That pair of socks that just feels good from the moment you put them on until the moment that you take them off, that has a nice pattern, they match up with what you like to wear well – now those socks never seem to last very long.  Last week I put on my most recent favorite pair of socks to wear for the day and all was going well until that evening when I stretched out on the love seat to rest for just a few minutes and then I noticed my big toe protruding from the end of one sock.  I had been tricked again!

Why do socks that I like not last long? Is the quality?  Do I wear them much more than I realize?  I have developed a theory.  I mentioned above that the socks I do not like last out of spite, perhaps they also know which socks I like so at night, while I am sleeping those indestructible socks are hard at work in a jealous rage trying to weaken the fibers in the socks I do like?  Or maybe, just maybe the socks I do not like are like little vampire socks!  They suck the life out of the socks I like thereby prolonging their own lives.  Can you think of a more valid explanation for why some socks have such a short  life while others seem to never wear out?  I think I may be onto something, it is only a matter of time until there is a major motion picture about Count Sockula…..

© 2020 LeonardsLines.com

Friday Funny January 10,2020 Ten Things I Learned From Movies

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Happy Friday!  I hope 2020 is off to a good start for you.  Holiday time is always a bif time for movie releases which had me thinking about things that we can learn from movies.  Here are just a few.

Enjoy!

  • All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
  • The ventilation system of any building is the perfect way to escape. All ventilation ducts are just big enough for you to crawl through, they will support your weight and they will always provide a viable escape route.
  • The odds of surviving any battle or any hostage situation dramatically decrease the moment you show someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
  • A man will be able to withstand a fierce beating at the hands of someone three times his size with nary a whimper but will wince and cry out in pain once a woman tries to clean his wounds.
  • Cars that are involved in serious crashes will either 1) remain functional even if half the car has been torn away or 2) immediately burst into flames.
  • Anyone who falls down a flight of stairs will be stone cold dead before they reach the bottom.
  • When paying for a taxi, simply open your wallet, take out two bills throw them at the cabbie and say, “keep the change.” It will always be enough.
  • Any information needed no matter how sensitive, classified, private, or complex can be obtained using a computer within ten seconds using no more than a dozen keystrokes.
  • All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts. It will have one more wire that whoever is defusing it is used to seeing, plus the color of the wires will be different.  To correctly defuse the bomb you must wait until there are less than five seconds remaining and then guess which wire to snip.
  • The major crime you heard about this morning is somehow directly and personally related to the crisis you are facing in your life.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

Drama is life with the dull bits cut out.  ~Alfred Hitchcock

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Lifesavers Storybook Volume 2

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I know another Christmas Present has transitioned to another Christmas Past;; however, I still enjoying my gifts.  As a reflection of my expensive and redefined tastes, my wife  gave me a Life Savers Hard Candy Sweet Storybook.  A gift like this may not excite you but it always brings a smile to my face.  I fondly remember getting this as a kid and it reminds me of those days when life, for me, was much simpler.

As a “book” it is  not much.  I was surprised that the “story” changes from year to year.  I did a similar blog a few years ago and noted that the story was about how the five fruity flavors of Life Savers had powered the reindeer on their trip around the world and saved Christmas.  Perhaps that story did not play well to focus groups any longer or perhaps  Rudolph’s agent sent them a letter threatening to sue because everyone knows that Rudolph and his nose so bright were what saved the day for Santa, he has gone done in history you know.

This year’s story is about two “very good” children named Lily and Benny do their very best to be on Santa’s good list even going so far as sharing their Life Savers with family and friends.  Alas a crises falls upon our young heroes when they discover that all the Christmas decorations were lost in a pre-Christmas move.  So they take Life Savers to all their neighbors and share the sad story; the neighbors are so moved that they donate Christmas decorations thus allowing Lily and Benny to have a festively decorated tree waiting for Santa along with milk, cookies and, of course, Life Savors.  Thus Christmas is saved and they hear Santa’s “Ho! Ho! Ho!” on the roof.  I think the movie rights are being purchased buy Disney and will be in theaters in time for next Christmas.

I will again sound like a cantankerous old codger and state that the Sweet Storybook ain’t what is used to be.  Today’s storybook is one-sided with six rolls of five flavor Life Savers while the storybook of my childhood was two-sided with five rolls on each side.  Secondly, today’s storybook includes six five flavor rolls.  The storybook of my childhood had variety.  If I recall correctly, there were two rolls of five flavor, two rolls of wintergreen, two rolls of pep-o-mint, two rolls of cherry and two rolls of butter run.  As a kid, I think the order of consumption was probably pep-o-mint, wintergreen, cherry, butter rum and, lastly five flavor.  I would be happy to trade the “story” for a little variety in the flavors.

I was told never to complain about a gift and this is not a complaint.  I appreciate the gift and I will enjoy the Life Savers.  My teeth and my diet probably appreciate the fact that there are six instead of ten rolls.  Yet, I will say once more that this is one item that ain’t what it used to be.

© 2020 LeonardsLines.com

Friday Funny January 3, 2020 Vision Jokes

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Happy Friday and Happy New Year!  Here is hoping that this year is a good year for all.  Of course I could not let the beginning of 2020 occur without a few vision related jokes.

Enjoy!

I think my cell phone needs glasses; it has lost all its contacts.

Do optometrists like to listen to music using iTunes?

Do garbage men have bin-ocular vision?

Would you take a depressed optometrist to the low vision center?

Did you hear about the lab tech fell who into the lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself?

Do optometrists not tell jokes because they are just too cornea?

Do optometrists live long lives because they dilate?

I really admire my optometrist; he is a true visionary.

I once worked for an optometrist, it was a real eye-opening experience

Would you call an Eskimo optometrist an optical Aleutian? 

I went to the optometrist and she told me I was colorblind; man, that came right out of the purple

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“The only thing worse than being blind is having sight but no vision.”~Helen Keller