Monthly Archives: June 2015

The One Percenters That Worry Me.

SanDiego2010 006

I am sure that you have seen and heard commercials for soaps, kitchen cleaners, hand sanitizers, even dish washing machines that boast about how effective the product is in killing germs.  It seems like they all claim that their product kills 99% or 99.9% of germs. Well that sounds great and I am all for having fewer germs around.  But I have to wonder about that other 0.1% to 1% of germs.

These are the germs that I am concerned about.  Are these germs just the smartest germs and they see the germ killing product coming so they quickly run and take cover, surviving to infect me on another day?  Are these germs just the strongest germs and they just face the product head on and stumble away,  in a weakened state, but survive to wreak havoc another day? Perhaps these are the nastiest and meanest germs that just laugh at and make fun of the anti-bacterial products as they go about their business like nothing has happened?  Or, the most frightening scenario, maybe these germs are zombie germs that have had all the life sucked out of them by the cleaning products, but continue on in a half dead state searching for a body (and brain!) to infect? 

Who cares about the wimpy 99% of germs that any old household cleaner can take care of?  I want to know about the super human, cannot be stopped, take no prisoners, won’t stop until I am sick from them kind germs!

I remember shopping for a dish washer several years ago.  We entered the store and told the anxious young man what we were looking for.  He immediately took us to a machine that was priced about twice what we were willing to pay and boldly proclaimed that this machine killed 99.9% of germs.  I was tempted to ask him two questions: 1) Tell me about the fraction of a percent of the germs that this machine does not kill, what are they like? and 2) Can you provide me with a list of the 99.9% of germs this machine does kill?  Since I knew I was not buying that machine and, based on his high pressure techniques, I was not likely to buy anything from that store, I held my tongue.  But I do wish I had asked.

Come to think of it, our dish washer has been making some funny sounds lately.  Perhaps. I will be in the market for a new machine before long and this time I will be asking about those germs that the machine is not capable of eliminating.

 

 

Friday Funny June 26, 2015 More Mondegreens

SanDiego2010 006

Happy Friday!  This week I thought I would share some song lyrics that are often misheard.  If you want to impress your friends – they are called  mondegreens.  (As an added bonus at least one of these songs will be stuck in your head for the rest of the day.)

Enjoy!

“and there’s a wino down the road – I should have stolen Oreos”/”and as we wind on down the road, our shadows taller than our souls” (Led Zeppelin, “Stairway to Heaven)

“bring me an iron lung!”/”bring me a higher love” (Steve Winwood, “Higher Love’)

“you’ve got mud on your face, front disc brakes”/”you’ve got mud on your face, a big disgrace” (Queen, “We Will Rock You”)

“no dukes of hazzard in the classroom”/”no dark sarcasm in the classroom” (Pink Floyd, “Another Brick in the Wall”)

“stuffing my face with his fingers”/”strumming my fate with his fingers” (Roberta Flack, “Killing Me Softly”)

“you hardly talk to me anymore, when I Kung Fu the door at the end of the day”/”you hardly talk to me anymore, when I come through the door at the end of the day” )Neil Diamond, “You Don’t Bring Me Flowers”)

“Won’t you be my bald-headed woman? I want to be your bald-headed man”/”Won’t you be my forever woman? I want to be your forever man” (Eric Clapton, “Forever Man”)

“hit me with your pet shark”/”hit me with your best shot” (Pat Benatar, “Hit Me With Your Best Shot”)

“Hold me closer, Tony Danza” / “Hold me closer, tiny dancer” (Elton John, “Tiny Dancer”)

“That’s why they call me baboon” / “That’s Why They Call It the Blues” (Elton John, “I Guess That’s Why They Call it the Blues”)

“There’s a bathroom on the right” / “There’s a bad moon on the rise” (Creedence Clearwater Revival, “Bad Moon Rising”)

“Alfred” / “Half-breed” (Cher, “Half-breed”)

“I’m not talking about millennium” / “I’m Not Talkin’ About Movin’ In” (England Dan & John Ford Coley, “I’d Really Love to See You Tonight”)

“They were all impressed with your Halston dress and the people you knew at the lanes” / “They were all impressed with your Halston dress and the people you knew at Elaine’s” (Billy Joel, “Big Shot”)

“Baking carrot biscuits.” / “Taking care of business.” (Bachman-Turner Overdrive, “Takin’ Care of Business”)

“Then I saw her face, now I’m gonna leave her” / “then I saw her face, now I’m a believer.” (Monkeys, “I’m a Believer”)

“What a nice surprise when you’re out of ice.” / “What a nice surprise bring your alibis.” (Eagles, “Hotel California”)

“She’s got a chicken to ride.”/ “She’s got a ticket to ride.” (Beetles, “Ticket to Ride”)

“Donuts make my brown eyes blue.” / “Don’t it make my brown eyes blue.”
 (Crystal Gale, “Don’t It Make My Brown Eyes Blue”)

Thought for the Week

You will do foolish things, but do them with enthusiasm. ~Colette

http://www.quotegarden.com

 

Million Dollar Marketing Idea #1

lgs

I make my living in the not-so-exciting and glamorous word of accounting.  However, some days I long for the exciting and exotic world of marketing where all the hip and cool people go to work.  From time to time I also have a great idea for marketing; however since I am a dull accountant, I never get to implement these great ideas.  Since I cannot use them, I will throw one of these out from time to time and when you take this idea, implement it and make your millions, you can write me a thank you note.

Have you ever thought about how baby’s and children’s clothes are sized?  They start at newborn and then go by months: 3 months, 6 months, 9 months, 12 months, 18 months, and 24 months. After 24 months they move to years with a T for toddler for a few years and then just the number 2T, 3T, 4T, 5, and 6.

So here is my idea:  let’s use the baby and children sizing scheme for adults.

Think about it. If you are a ten-year old kid of average size you would wear a size 120, at 15 you would wear a size 180, at 20 you would wear a size 240 and at age 25, a size 300. Then things, hopefully start to level off and slow down and from there on out you can wear clothes for a younger age.  Imagine how you would feel if at the age of 50 you could wear what you wore at age 30.  “I’m in great shape for my age, I am wearing a size 360 instead of a size 600!”

Joe:  “Hey Bob you look like you lost a little weight.”  Bob: “You know I have, I am down from a size 420 to a size 396!”

You turn on a dieting commercial and the lady proudly proclaims, “I just took ten years off my waist!”

It could also work the other way, “I’m not overweight, I am just a little old for my size.”

I think this could really catch on and help us all feel a little better about ourselves.  Just remember to send me a note when you make the big bucks.

Friday Funny June 19, 2015 Deep Thoughts and Questions

lgs

Happy Friday!  As we dome to the end of another work week, you might want to take a moment or two to ponder some of the many thoughts and questions that are flying around the internet these days.

Enjoy!

One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don’t run with a wooden stake.

If I had a mine shaft, I don’t think I would just abandon it. There’s got to be a better way.

I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don’t just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there’s no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you’re coming home his face might burn up.

Should philately clubs be stamped out?

Where is the cat in the catwalk?

What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

When you have your picture taken with Mickey Mouse at Disney World, does the guy inside the costume smile for the camera?

When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you’re just sitting there, staring at carpeting?

How did a fool and his money get together in the first place?

How come you never hear about gruntled employees?

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories…

Thought for the Week

The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking places. ~Author Unknown

http://www.quotegarden.com

 

Fits Like a Glove

batting glove

When something fits very well or snugly, we might say that it “fits like a glove.”  But does a glove always “fit like a glove”?  I have found myself pondering this very question from time to time when I am watching a baseball game.  I’ll notice a batters routine in-between pitches.  Many times, the batter will take a step out of the batter’s box to quickly collect his thoughts and determine his strategy for the next pitch.  Often, he will then take a practice swing or two.  Next, for a number of batters, he will first tighten one batting glove and then the other batting glove before settling back in for the next pitch.  I am a bit perplexed, especially by the last item and ask myself why does he need to tighten his batting gloves?

It has probably been less than a minute since he last stepped out of the batter’s box and adjusted his batting gloves.  The only thing that has happened in the interim is that he either a) watched one pitch go by, b) swung at the pitch and missed, or c) fouled the pitch off.  Not one of those three things would seem to make a batting glove loosen significantly.  So, what has happened that caused his gloves to get so loose?  Is it really that difficult to get a batting glove that does indeed fit like a glove and it is due to both gloves being ill-fitting that it requires the constant adjustment of both gloves.  Perhaps there is only one size of batting glove manufactured and the “one-size-that-fits-all” only fits a man with hands the size of Goliath?  Or is the Velcro defective thus causing the gloves to loosen with the slightest of movements (which includes eye movement of watching a pitch go into the catcher’s glove)?  It remains a mystery to me.

I can remember when baseball players did not wear batting gloves at all.  Then came the advent of wearing one glove and then two.  Now once they get on base, a runner will exchange his batting gloves for running gloves.  I will have to watch to see if the running gloves also require adjustment after every pitch.  I also remember a catcher/first baseman/designated hitter in the 1970’s and 1980’s by the name of Cliff Johnson.  If my memory serves me correctly Mr. Johnson, who may have hands larger than Goliath’s,  did not tighten his gloves after every pitch, in fact he never tightened his batting gloves at all.  You could see the Velcro strips flying in the wind as he would take one of his mighty swings.  I would also bet you that Mr. Johnson never owned a pair of running gloves.

Friday Funny June 12, 2015 Bible Riddles

bible-black-and-white-md

Happy Friday!  You have made it through another work week.  Here are a few biblical riddles to kick off your weekend.

Enjoy!

Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married?
A. Ruthless.
 
Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.
 
Q. What was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh’s daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.
 
Q. How many Christians can you fit in a Honda?
A. In Acts, it says that they were all in one Accord.
 
Q. Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible?                                                           A. When Joseph served in Pharaoh’s court.

Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant law-breaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.

Q. Did Eve ever have a date with Adam?                                                                                                  A. No, just an apple. 

Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.

Q. Who was the shortest man in the Bible?                                                                                            A.  It was one of Job’s friends, Bildad the Shuhite. (shoe height)

Q. Who was the second shortest man in the Bible?                                                                               A. Nehemiah (knee high miah)
Thought for the Week

“The LORD bless you and keep you; the LORD make his face to shine upon you and be gracious to you; the LORD lift up his countenance upon you and give you peace.”

Numbers 6:24-26

Some Odd Road Rules

555580_469238629755719_1093895788_n

Now that we are in June, many people are getting ready for, or planning, a vacation. While out on the roads, it is important to know the rules of the road.  Here is just a sampling of some of the more unique road rules you might encounter this summer.

Drive carefully!

Alabama

While you might spot someone who is driving while blindfolded, it is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.

If you catch yourself driving the wrong way on a one-way street, just grab your lantern since it is legal to drive the wrong way down a one-way street as long as a lantern is attached to the front of your car.

Be sure to keep your feet covered, driving barefoot is illegal.

Alaska

It is illegal to tie a dog to the roof of your car.

Arkansas

Be careful with you horn, it is illegal for a person to blare the horn any place where cold drinks or sandwiches are served after 9 p.m.

Florida

You might need to take your elephant along with you because if an elephant is tied to a parking meter, the owner or attendant must deposit money in the meter.

Illinois

It might be difficult for Superman to find a phone booth to change in these days, but if you are tempted to change clothes in your car be mindful that in Evanston, Illinois it is unlawful to change clothes while inside a car with the curtains drawn, except during a fire.

Kentucky

We all scream for ice cream, but if you stop for ice cream while driving, be aware that it is considered unlawful to transport an ice cream cone in your back pocket.

Massachusetts

Many things might be acceptable in Massachusetts, but you will be ticketed if you drive with a gorilla in the backseat of your car. (Law is silent on the front seat.)

Nevada

What happens in Vegas may stay in Vegas, bu it is illegal to drive a camel on the highway and word of such actions might make its way back home.

Ohio

In Oxford, Ohio, home of beautiful Miami University, authorities will ticket you if you consecutively drive around the town square more than 100 times. (Some nights driving around the town square might just be the most exciting thing you can find to do.)

If your car breaks down and you phone for a cab, avoid the temptation of riding on the roof of the cab, that will get you a ticket.

Tennessee

Many folks in the Volunteer State love to hunt, but do not do it from your car because it is illegal to fire a gun at any wild game other than whales from a moving car. Now, if you stop your car, you might be OK.

For more interesting driving laws visit http://www.dmv.org/articles/bizarre-driving-laws/

Friday Funny June 5, 2015 Three Jokes for the Price of None

lgs

Happy Friday!  Congratulations you have made it through another week and you have earned these three free jokes at no cost and absolutely no obligation!  They are yours for free and are almost worth the price.

Enjoy!

Star of the Euphrates

King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to get a loan.

Croesus said, “I’ll give you 100,000 dinars for it.”

“But I paid a million dinars for it,” the king protested. “Don’t you know who I am? I am the king!”

Croesus replied, “When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are.”

William Tell

It is not widely know that evidence has been found that William Tell and his entire family were avid and quite accomplished bowlers. Unfortunately, all the families league records were destroyed in a fire, …and so we’ll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

Mahatma Gandhi

Mahatma was an inspirational figure and a renowned leader; however, he also had his peculiarities. He walked almost everywhere he went barefoot, to the point that the soles of his feet became quite thick and hard. Plus he often went on hunger strikes, and even when he wasn’t on a hunger strike, he did not eat much which led to him becoming quite thin and frail. Because he didn’t eat much and what he did eat consisted of a rather peculiar diet, he developed a chronic case of very bad breath. He also was a very spiritual person. All these led to him becoming a super-calloused fragile mystic vexed by halitosis.

Thought for the Week

It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

http://www.quotegarden.com

 

Having a Field Day

LW05312015 008

June is upon us and that means that school is out or very close to being out. The end of the school year was always one of the most anticipated days of the year for me because it meant that there would be weeks of getting up when I wanted to and spending all day riding bikes or playing in the creek or playing baseball.  It seemed like the only thing that would interrupt the daily adventure was the chorus of Mom’s yelling from front porches that it was time for dinner.

But before school ended for the year, there was another much-anticipated day:  field day. Field Day was a day that, most importantly, did not involve having classes and, almost as importantly, involved games all day long.  Among the contests was the fifty yard dash, the long jump, the running long jump, the hop, step & jump, free throw and high jump. This was the chance to compete against everyone in your grade to see who was the best. And if you were lucky you won first, second or third place ribbon.

I am an admitted pack rat and recently I came across my vast collection of field day ribbons that I won.  Well maybe it was a modest collection of field day ribbons.  Okay, it was actually a very small collection of ribbons that I won on Field Day.  I do not recall which grades participated in field day.  Let’s just assume that it started in fifth grade, that would mean there were 4 years when I participated: 5th, 6th, 7th and 8th grade. Over all that time I managed one first place ribbon and three third place ribbons.  So, I was not the best athlete in my class, not even close.  It becomes even less impressive when I admit that I only won ribbons in two events.  There were two third place ribbons in the hop, step & jump and a first and third place ribbon in the free throw.  Now if there was a contest where I had to hop, step, jump and shoot a basketball, perhaps I could have really excelled at that one.

So, it is rather obvious that I was never a great athlete.  Honestly, I have to admit that I never looked like much of an athlete.  Perhaps it was that I was one of the youngest kids in my class, perhaps it was that I was a skinny kid of slightly below average height, perhaps it was the glasses that I wore from third grade on.  Whatever it was, my presence just never screamed “athlete.”  I was not the kid that was picked first for any team.  (I was also not the last kid picked for teams either.) It seemed like this even followed me to college when I signed up for a softball class and the first day of class we divided up into two teams and I was one of the last ones assigned (chosen) to a team.  But the way I did get an “A” in the class.

These days, I would be thrilled if I could run, throw, hit, etc. like I did when I was younger. Athletically, my best days are behind me and they were never that great to begin with. So I have tried to hang onto any evidence of athletic achievements, even if they are just a few faded ribbons from field day during elementary school.