Monthly Archives: December 2017

Friday Funny December 8, 2017 Holiday Eating Tips

Happy Friday!  The holiday party season is in full swing.  It is that time of year when are tempted day in and day out by an endless array of delicious goodies.  So, as your approach this holiday season, I thought I would offer you some useful holiday eating tips.

Enjoy!

1. Avoid vegetable trays. Anyone who puts a vegetable tray on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit (or just can’t cook).   A vegetable tray might be acceptable if it is accompanied with high calorie, artery-clogging dip. Otherwise save the vegetable tray for January when that New Year’s Diet begins.

2.  Remember that this is the time of year when just about anything can be covered with gravy or chocolate sauce.  However, I would avoid using both on the same food item.

3.  If something comes with gravy, especially giblet gravy, use it. That’s the whole point of gravy. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Get more mashed potatoes and create a gravy moat surrounding your island of mashed potatoes.  Go ahead and play with your food, you know you want to.  (Sit a safe distance away from anyone who makes models of the “Devil’s Tower” out of mashed potatoes.)

4. Nutritionists tell us that a healthy diet includes color on the plate, especially reds, yellows and greens.  So, just to be safe, add a handful of M&M’s to each plate of food you have.

5. Fruit and nuts are an important part of your diet.  So do not skimp on the apple pie, cherry pie and pecan pie.

6.Forget the exercise routine until January when you have nothing else to do and you have started that diet. You will get plenty of exercise doing laps around the buffet table  while carrying a 10-pound plate of food in each hand..

7.The Magic of Christmas eliminates all of the calories from homemade cookies, fudge, peanut brittle, pies, cakes , dinner rolls and cinnamon rolls.  So enjoy to your heart’s desire but only if they are homemade.

8. We know oatmeal is good for you so do not skip it this holiday season.  I prefer my oatmeal in the form of oatmeal chocolate chip cookies.

9. Remember there are limits on how much you can eat.  So do not waste any of your calorie capacity on fruitcake or mincemeat pie.  (You would be better off with a vegetable tray.)

10. One final tip: If you can comfortably get up from the table, you’re not trying hard enough.  You have trained all year for this, don’t give up now!

Thought for the Week

Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn’t before!
“Maybe Christmas,” he thought, “doesn’t come from a store.”
“Maybe Christmas…perhaps…means a little bit more!” ~ Dr. Seuss

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Friday Funny December 1, 2017 A Christmas Joke Double Header

Happy Friday and Happy December!  With the holiday season upon us, it is only fitting to break out a couple of seasonal jokes.

Enjoy!

The Young Man and the Tree

One day, a young man came home to discover that his wife had put up the Christmas decorations.  There were bright lights around the outside of the house.  There were large, red stockings hung by the chimney and a large green wreath on the door. 

When he walked into the family room, he saw a beautiful, tall Christmas tree.  However, he noticed that, despite all the other elaborate decorations around the house, the Christmas tree appeared to be untouched.  He found this a bit puzzling, so he asked his s wife who coyly replied that she had indeed finished decorating the tree. 

He looked again at the tree and carefully walked around only to affirm that there were no ornaments or lights on the tree.  This time; however, he did notice that on just one branch there was hanging one single shotgun shell.  Well this really made him wonder.  He went back and asked his wife what the meaning of this strange tree was.  She simply smiled and said, “Isn’t it obvious dear?  Why what you are looking at is a cartridge in a bear tree!”

A Trip to the Dentist

A man goes to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth. The dentist examines him and says, “It looks like that new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is already eroding. What have you been eating?”

The man replies, “Nothing that different.  The only thing I can think of is that, about four months ago, my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious .  It was Hollandaise sauce.  It was great.  I asked her to start putting it on everything – meat, toast, fish, vegetables.  I guess now I eat it on just about everything.

“Well,” says the dentist, “there is the problem.  You see Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly acidic and corrosive. That is what has eaten away your upper plate. But, never fear, I have a solution.  I’ll make you a new plate, and this time I will use chrome.”

“Why chrome?” asks the patient.

And the dentist says, “It’s simple.  Everyone knows that there’s no plates like chrome for the Hollandaise!”

Thought for the Week

Christmas is a season not only of rejoicing but of reflection. ~ Winston Churchill