Happy Friday! Thanksgiving is only a week away, so I thought I would beat the holiday rush and deliver some Thanksgiving jokes this week.
Enjoy!
I heard that turkeys prefer to travel by gravy train.
I once met a very the rude turkey, he was a real jerk-y.
Did you know that little pumpkins cross the road with the help of a crossing gourd?
If you crossed a turkey with a centipede, would you get drumsticks for everyone?
We served a cheese plate at Thanksgiving. I think everyone was grateful.
I heard that the cider mill keeps track of its inventory on an Apple iPad.
I heard about a cranberry that could not go to the Thanksgiving party because it was bogged down with work.
Did you know that Thanksgiving bread jokes stay funny because they never get mold?
What kind of shows do green beans do? Pod casts.
What did one turkey say to the other turkey when they first saw the pilgrims? “They look nice, maybe they’ll have us over for dinner.”
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
“We tend to forget that happiness doesn’t come as a result of getting something we don’t have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have.” —Friedrich Koenig
It is almost time for Trick or Treat! So, to set the mood, I dusted off my copy of “Vampire Jokes and Cartoons”, Edited by Phil Hirsch and Paul Laikin, Pyramid Books, 1974. Somethings get better with age, unfortunately, these jokes are not among those things. On the bright side, almost fifty years later, I am still getting something out of my $0.95 investment!
It is hard for me to accept that this blog is almost ten years old. If you have enjoyed the blog, I would invite to check out my new podcast as well – Leonard Looks at Life – you can find it at https://www.buzzsprout.com/2234608
Enjoy!
What was the vampire doing driving on the turnpike? – Looking for the main artery!
Why do vampires like comedians? – They like things in a jocular vein!
Why aren’t vampires’ good gamblers? – They’re always making sucker bets!
Why did the vampire dig for gold? – He wanted to strike a rich vein!
What kind of work do vampires do? — They file their teeth!
Where do you usually find vampires? – In any neck of the woods!
When does a vampire have a bad day? – When he gets up on the wrong side of the coffin!
What happens when vampires get together? – They drive each other bats!
What kind of first aid to vampires give? – Mouth-to-neck resuscitation!
How do you kill a hungry vampire? – You drive a steak through his heart!
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
“I got a rock.” ~ Charlie Brown in “It’s The Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown”
Happy Friday! Fall is well underway and this is the time of year when it is easy to find quite a few horror movies on television. If you pay attention you can find some useful lessons in those movies.
Enjoy!
If your friends suggest you, or worse dare you to, stay overnight in an old, abandoned mansion on the outskirts of town, it is a good bet that they are not really your friends.
Real estate tip – don’t ever buy that house that is in a secluded area, surrounded by woods and is available at a “too good to be true” price. It is just not worth it.
If you find any inexplicably creepy dolls, DO NOT keep them in your house. Better yet, do not pick them up or even take notice of them.
If you stumble upon a Cursed Book or a Cursed Game – DO NOT open the book or play the game. Avoid this in the same way you avoid creepy dolls.
The creepy old man that everyone avoids is usually the only one that really understands the situation. Listen to him and do what he says.
On the other hand, never trust a brilliant psychopath, he is never has your best interests in mind.
Maybe it is a good idea to just keep your cell phone on vibrate, it seems in a horror movie nobody ever has their phone on silent while hiding, and of course, their phone always rings at the worst possible moment.
This is a great time of year to check your flashlight batteries. Make sure you have an extra set or three. You do not want your flashlights flickering and going at the worst possible moment.
If you hear an odd noise and someone says, “Oh, it’s probably just the wind.” Run out the front door as fast as you can, get in your car and drive away.
Speaking of cars – keep a tight grip on your keys, do not drop them as you are attempting to make your getaway.
Also, car related, this is a great time to check the condition of your tires, northing stops a getaway faster than a flat tire.
Last item about cars, this is also a great time to check the condition of your battery so that the car will start at that critical moment when the monster/ killer/alien is right at your door.
Despite all your car preparation if for some reason your car will not start and you find yourself running to get away, DO NOT run in a straight line down the middle of the road when being chased by a speeding car. Try weaving off the road where a car cannot follow you, this is one time where the dense trees of the forest could be your friend.
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
“All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.”~ Jack Torrance, The Shining (1980)
Happy Friday! Happy Passover! Happy Easter! This week, instead of some jokes, I thought I would share a fun activity for the whole family.
Enjoy!
Peeps are in season! I assume that you are familiar with Peeps, the little marshmallow confection that has been around since 1953. They were originally promoted primarily at Easter-time but you can now find them at Halloween, Christmas, Valentine’s Day and just about any time. They come in various shapes and colors but all are basically sugar, corn syrup, gelatin, food dyes and salt.
One of the great debates of modern time is whether it is better to eat Peeps “fresh” out of the box or to slit the cellophane and wait a day, a week or a month or two for the Peeps to properly age (get stale) before eating them. We can save that debate for another time.
This weekend, if you have some Peeps around, may a suggest some Peep Jousting? (If you do not have any you might even want to go out and obtain some for this event!) There is really not much preparation needed for Peep Jousting. All you need are Peeps, toothpicks, a plate and a microwave.
Take two Peeps, insert a toothpick in each Peep so that it looks like a lance, arrange the Peeps facing each other on a plate and put the plate in the microwave. Set the microwave for approximately 40 seconds and watch! Do not walk away from the microwave or you will miss all the fun! Now there are a few differing theories on how to determine the winner of the match: 1) the Peep whose lance touches the other Peep first wins, 2) the Peep who deflates first is the loser, or 3) the Peep that blows up first loses. Take you pick or invent your own. Sadly, there are no returning champions in Peep Jousting, this is a “one and done” sport.
I would not suggest eating the Peeps post-joust – they are hot, they are messy and believe or not, they lose their flavor in the combat.
So, this year, add a little Peep Jousting to liven up the afternoon.
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
“The very first Easter taught us this: that life never ends and love never dies. ~ Kate McGahan, “Only Gone from Your Sight”
Happy Friday! In case you have not noticed, Valentine’s Day is Tuesday. Before you head out to the store, I thought I would offer you a few useful tips on what NOT to get that special gal in your life.
Enjoy!
Leonard
We have all heard, “It’s the thought that counts.” Yet, while that may be true, there certainly are limits on what will keep you in the good graces of your spouse around February 14. Heed my word to the wise and be sure to cross the following off your shopping list this weekend before it is too late.
Jumper cables – while these can come in quite handy, they will not jump start a romantic evening.
A coffee mug – another gift that, while it may be useful, just might get you roasted.
Pencil sharpener – even if she needs and wants a pencil sharpener, this is not the day for it. Hope you get my point.
A Roomba – give this for Valentine’s Day and she might set it to chase you around the house.
An oversized Teddy Bear – after the age of about six, a six-foot Teddy Bear is just kind of creepy.
A heart-shaped box of chocolates – the ultimate cliché gift. Life may be like a box of chocolates, but avoid the cheap heart-shaped box from the corner drug store.
A bouquet of salami – while a bouquet of flowers might be about as cliché as a box of chocolates, a bouquet of flowers is much better than a bouquet of salami, plus getting hit over the head with a bouquet of salmi hurts more than flowers.
Personalized socks with your picture on them- do you really want to see your face on her feet? Neither does she.
A hot sauce of the month subscription – it will only get you in hot water.
Novelty Toilet Paper – no, just no, nothing more needs to be said.
Thought for the Week
Anyone can catch your eye, but it takes someone special to catch your heart. ~Author Unknown
Happy Friday! Happy Hannukah! Merry Christmas! The forecast where I am has the weather turning quite frightful for the next day or so. But let me send warm wishes to you and yours this weekend!
Enjoy!
Leonard
“Remember that the important thing is not what you give, or how you wrap it. The important thing, during this very special time of year, is that you save the receipt.” ~ Dave Barry
“I bought my brother some gift wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.” ~ Steven Wright
“Santa Claus has the right idea — visit people only once a year.”~ Victor Borge
“I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph.” ~ Shirley Temple
“It’s Christmas Eve! It’s the one night of the year when we all act a little nicer, we smile a little easier, we cheer a little more. For a couple of hours out of the whole year, we are the people that we always hoped we would be.” ~ Bill Murray – Scrooged
“People really act weird at Christmas time! What other time of year do you sit in front of a dead tree in the living room and eat nuts and sweets out of your socks?” ~ Unknown
“Christmas is a time when you get homesick, even if you’re home.” ~ Carol Nelson
“I wish we could put some of our Christmas spirit in jars and open one up every month.” ~ Unknown
“He who has not Christmas in his heart will never find it under a tree.” ~ Roy L. Smith
“A good holiday is one spent among people whose notions of time are vaguer than yours.” ~John B. Priestly
“Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the Holiday Season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we see a shopper emerge from the mall, then we follow her, in very much the same spirit as the Three Wise Men, who 2,000 years ago followed a star, week after week, until it led them to a parking space.” ~ Dave Berry
“As we struggle with shopping lists and invitations, compounded by December’s bad weather, it is good to be reminded that there are people in our lives who are worth this aggravation, and people to whom we are worth the same.” ~ Donald E. Westlake
“Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present.” ~Unknown
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
And the angel said to them, “Fear not, for behold, I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. – Luke 2:10
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